Allison sighed as she dropped Everly off for before school care. While Ev was happy for the extra couple hours with her friends before school Allison wasn't ready to go back to work. Andy babbled in his car seat as they drove to the hospital.
"You okay bean," Annie asked, seeing Allie and Andy in the parking lot.
"No," Allison admitted, "I need more time but they won't extend my leave."
"I know it's hard," Annie replied, "what can I do?"
"I'm on your service," Allison said, "shorter day and let me go to day care when I need to not just when they page me."
"We will ease you back in," Annie promised, "it's hard."
"He's such a clingy baby," Allison replied, "I don't know how this will go."
"Heather was my clingy one," Annie replied, "they called her a Velcro baby. One thing that helped was that I was an attending and could bring her to almost everything with me. You could bring him to study with you or to review labs. Unless your having direct patient contact or are working with something that could harm him why don't you use the carrier and bring him with you."
"But I'm a resident," Allison replied.
"When you're on my service I'm okay with it," Annie assured, "I'd offer to snuggle him but he doesn't like me very much."
"I don't get it," Allison replied, "he's not great with mom and dad either. Last night he wouldn't even sit with Ash so I could do homework with Ev. it's frustrating."
"Breathe," Annie soothed, "Allie he will be fine. You'll go feed him and see him when you can."
"But I haven't fed him like I did Ev," Allison complained, "my milk never came in properly this time. I don't know why."
"I found it harder with each," Annie replied, "you had less time, more time was needed for other things. You couldn't sit for 3 hours skin to skin. And it's okay. There's nothing wrong with doing what we can and using formula. I wish I had been told that with Ellie."
"And I got my period this morning," Allison grumbled.
"First post baby," Annie asked.
"Second," Allison said, "but not regular yet. It was almost 6 weeks in between. I wasn't worried. Ash and I haven't yet."
"He should be," Annie started.
"Close to two before we try I know with the C-section," Allison replied.
" My boys aren't and Matt was an emergency C-section," Annie replied.
"After Matt how long did you and Josh," Allison asked.
"Matt and Henry are 11 months apart," Annie replied, "we only waited the 6-8 weeks that Tim. I was feeling okay, I needed the connection with Josh. But Henry was also born at 37 weeks and was induced because I wasn't doing well. Only Ellie was a natural labour. Heather was a 39 week elective induction."
"You," Allison asked.
"I do what's best for me and my kids," Annie replied, "so do you."
"I just wish mom saw it," Allison replied.
"She's terrible about saying it but I think she does," Annie assured, "Allie it's hard to have our mother. She's not an easy mother to have. She's exacting and hard to please at times. I know it's hard. I grew up in an environment and a time when we weren't really praised. But you need to hear it from her. I know you work really hard and you've struggled. It's taken me 25 30 years to understand that she doesn't know how to praise that she takes action the way she thinks is best. And she misses things. Mama is great with the physical and the tangible but mental is hard for her."
"Why," Allison asked.
"I think it's that she's a product of her time period Dan and Leslie we're similar and they were all closer in age. Her time in the army, my biological father, 9/11," Annie replied, "it's all part of it Bean. Henry, there's a lot there that adds up and I don't know if she's ever fully told anyone or confronted it. I don't know if she can. I think our mental health scares her and she doesn't address it with us because she can't address her own."
"Why," Allison asked.
"I don't know," Annie replied, "stigma, age?"
"If I wanted to leave Seattle," Allison asked.
"They would support you," Annie assured, "do you want to?"
"For a fellowship maybe but Asher and the kids it's a hard choice " Allison replied.
"It is and they come first," Annie agreed.
"You don't do as much here as mom did when I was a kid and your about the same age why," Allison asked.
"I chose Josh and the kids," Annie replied, "I chose my family and being a present parent. And I don't want it. I hate the drama that comes with leadership and being in charge. I know I have a finite amount I can manage and I chose where to focus. That doesn't mean when my kids are all in college I won't change my mind but now this works for us. You have to choose what works best for your family."
"How did mom not make the same choice," Allison asked.
"It's my best guess but I think she thought she could have and do it all," Annie replied, "I think that's a myth that women get to have it all. Somewhere something falls apart and it's not intentional but it happens."
"How did she miss that I was depressed and partying," Allison asked.
"We all noticed the partying," Annie replied, "what none of us did and I failed here two was to find out why. I failed there. I should have asked and been there for you."
"Your my sister it's not your job," Allison said.
"But I always worry about you because I care and love you ," Annie replied, "and I should have been there. I'm sorry."
"Mom," Allison asked.
"You have to ask her and it's never an easy conversation," Annie replied, "but if it matters to you I would ask. I can't answer for her. I don't know what she's really like to live with or grow up with. I was 19 when I met her. We've lived together for a few weeks as adults or adult and college student. Your experience and mine are opposites. Neither of our childhoods was easy we both had parents with huge expectations but it was presented differently."
"How do you just forgive her," Allison asked.
"It took a few blunt conversations and asking her some hard questions," Annie admitted, "there were tears and we still have a few things that are off the table and we respect that boundary."
"Like what," Allison asked.
"Marriages and romantic relationships," Annie replied, "even when I was in school I brought it up to her if I wanted to talk about it. That goes along with my physical relationship. I don't discuss my mental health with her anymore because she's not always helpful even if she means well. My challenges with my kids I talk to Dan more than mama. I know she loves us and means well but her actions don't always show it how we would want it. You especially. And I think you've learned from it how you want to and don't want to parent."
"If I talked to her," Allison asked.
"One on one time and a neutral setting," Annie suggested, "I always found a walk helped."
"Should I," Allison asked.
"That's something only you can decide bean," Annie replied, "it is up to you. My suggestion is you think on it and talk it through with Asher first. It is time we get to work. Clinic first, our first patient is a 6 month baby girl follow up on a diaphragmatic hernia, surgery went well and she's making good progress."
"Okay," Allison replied, "I like working on babies and little kids."
"Stay in this building then," Annie replied.
"Mom," Allison asked,
Annie replied " just be honest about how you're feeling. "
"Dr Altman," a resident called as Annie walked towards her office.
"Think about it and we'll talk later," Annie told Allison before following the resident.
"Your back," Melina greeted Allison.
"I am," Allison agreed, "I'm going to sign him into day care and meet you for rounds."
"Have fun," Melina smiled, "it's good to have you back. "
" I'm ready to do surgery but I'm going to miss my kids," Allison replied.
"Let's go," Melina encouraged.
"I'm coming," Allison agreed. She followed her friend to the locker room and changed into scrubs.
"You've had two kids," Melina gasped.
"Ya," Allison replied.
"And you hardly have stretch marks," Melina said.
"I do from Andy," Allison replied,"and a C-section scar. I was 18 with Ev and didn't get very big and the stretch marks from her faded by the time she was one. I'm hoping it'll be the same for Andy."
"How did you manage work and being pregnant," Melina asked.
"It was hard and I cut down," Allison replied.
"Can I do it," Melina asked.
"It's a lot of work but it would be you and Robbie," Allison replied, "you don't go home and have to be mom and fully present with your kids after a hard day. Why?"
"I'm 8 weeks," Melina replied, "but Robbie got dropped from the program and took a job in Portland."
"You've got this and talk to me," Allison replied, "daycare is pretty good. I went to it as a kid."
"Which OB did you have," Melina asked.
"Deluca for Ev and Mitchell for Andy," Allison replied, "I like both. Deluca isn't taking as many patients as she used to and I've known Mitchell since I was a baby. Steph Mitchell and Grace were roommates in med school."
"Dr Mitchell and the young Dr Altman," Melina asked.
"Grace and Steph are really close and have been since med school," Allison said, "and Dr Silverman is married to Grace's half brother. Are you okay?"
"Tired and nauseous but I'll be okay," Melina replied.
Allison's phone pinged with a page to the peds emergency room, so much for starting slow Allison shrugged.
Allison picked up a very grumpy Andy after work and drove to the pool to watch the end of Everlys practice. She carried Andy on her hip into the pool and sat in the chairs on the pool deck watching Everly swim. She told Andy what he was seeing as Ev raced with her teammates.
"Wow," Allison smiled as Ev got out of the pool.
"Do you think," Everly started to ask
"You swim like that you'll do well this weekend," Allison assured.
"Mom can we get take out dads working late," Everly asked.
"I was going to put the order in while you change. What do you feel like," Allison asked.
"Sushi," Everly suggested.
"I'll order it," Allison smiled, "your usual?"
"And tempura yams," Everly asked.
"We can share them," Allison agreed.
In the car Everly told Allison all about her day at school. It was the first year she felt comfortably in the classroom and like she was fully a member of the class. Her teacher was fabulous with her and showing Ev how capable she really was. The independence and confidence was spilling over at home as well. With Everly doing more for herself and stepping up to do more around the house.
After the kids were in bed Allison finished charting while she waited for Asher. She dozed off on the couch before Asher got home and woke up with him stroking her hair out of her face.
"How was your first day back," Asher asked.
"Intense," Allison replied, "straight into the OR and started what's going to be a months long case. 8 year old osteosarcoma with mets to his lungs and liver."
"You okay," Asher asked.
"Our kids," Allison said, "it's so hard looking at other parents and telling them bad news. I know how it feels and to do that to another family."
"But you do it with understanding that no one could have given us," Asher assured, "babe your good. Our kids are good. I peeked when I came in. Andy is sound asleep and Ev is totally passed out."
"She was sore after swimming," Allison replied, "she's determined to win this weekend or at least make it on the podium."
"What ever happens," Asher replied.
"I've told her that but Ev wants to win," Allison replied, "neither of us is that competitive, I don't get it."
"Your parents and sister," Asher replied, "and you can be about certain things like work."
"Ev it's everything right now," Allison replied, "going back to letter grades in elementary schools I don't like. She's so competitive about her marks, she's doing it for the mark not her learning and understanding."
"Let her it's better than I did," Asher replied, "Allie we can't all be over achievers like you."
"I did bare minimal to keep my parents off my back until I was pregnant with her," Allison replied, "I've been thinking about that time and the months leading up and how did my parents, mom specifically not notice I was depressed and partying."
"I would never have said you were depressed," Asher said, "partying, we both were, you were at every party, drinking, loud, in everyone's face but I wouldn't have said depressed. I just thought sober and drunk Allison were two different people. Sober Allison was my favourite though."
"And you've really only had sober Allison for 11 years," Allison replied.
"We could if you wanted to," Asher replied.
"No," Allison replied, "but how did my parents not notice? How was my mom so oblivious? I know if Ev's had a bad day from a single glance. How did mom ignore it. Work doesn't make sense because I work the same type of hours."
"I don't know," Asher replied, "they never missed physical things but mental they've missed."
"They let us go to breaking points until we were hurting ourselves," Allison replied, "I was partying and self medicating with alcohol, Leo at the same time was using pot and Annie has an eating disorder. Mom is the common denominator. How did all three of us?"
"I don't know if we can fully count Annie," Asher suggested, "you and Leo but Annie."
"But genetics," Allison replied.
"Leo," Asher questioned.
"Annie thought it's because mom doesn't really deal with her own crap," Allison replied.
"Your mom is stubborn and set in her ways," Asher replied, "I don't know what you want to do here."
"I want to talk to her about it," Allison said, "I guess I've always been the youngest and still don't measure up to Annie and Leo. they didn't see me until Ev. Why don't I matter?"
"But you do," Asher said, "you're a surgeon, you're raising your family, married with two kids, you've supported yourself long before Leo did."
"You supported me," Allison replied.
"But we supported our family," Asher retorted, "you're way more together than Leo. His relationships alone are a mess."
"Theresa is better," Allison replied, "but I'm ortho not cardio or trauma."
"You're being you," Asher replied, "Allie you like ortho."
"It's not as prestigious as cardio or life saving as trauma," Allison replied.
"Screw it," Asher said, "thats you babe."
"It's not too late I could do neuro," Allison replied, "it would be better."
"You love ortho you're not changing," Asher said, "if it's bothering you this much maybe you should talk to your mom."
"But will it hurt her," Allison asked.
"Maybe," Asher agreed, "but it's hurting you now."
"I'd want Ev to talk to me or Andy," Allison said.
"Then talk to Teddy," Asher replied, "babe it's late should we go to bed?"
"Just sleep," Allison asked.
"I thought so," Asher agreed.
"I know you want to," Allison started.
"I know you're not ready," Asher said.
"I feel bad," Allison admitted.
"Don't," Asher replied, "I know you'll let me know when you're ready."
"Soon," Allison replied.
"Ev was a few months old," Asher said.
"The bleeding, and the leaking milk even though I can;t feed enough I'm still leaking at night," Allison replied, "and the scar is tender."
"Don't rush," Asher replied, "I want to but not if you don't want to or feel ready."
"Can we just cuddle," Allison asked.
"We can," Asher replied, "but let's go to bed."
"We should, I have 6:30am rounds," Allison replied.
"So leaving at 6," Asher asked.
"5:45," Allison replied, "up at 5. I won't see the kids until after my last surgery. Andy will be in bed when I get home."
"Long day," Asher checked.
"Yes," Allison replied, "my parents are doing the pickups tomorrow."
"I'll be home just after 7," Asher replied, "I'll do bed time. But we need to go to bed so you can actually work tomorrow."
He took her hand and led her to their bedroom. They both got ready for bed and curled up together Allison's head on Asher's chest listening to his heartbeat.