After Morikawa-Sensei left, the Zombie Slaying Quintent jumped off the rafters and onto the first floor of the cafeteria, where a giant cake made of dynamite with a letter that said 'Happy Birthday, Juliet!' on it was on full display, several zombies surrounding it.
"Check, check, one, two, three: It's party time, motherfuckers!" The announcer's voice from the Zombie Basketball game earlier boomed.
"Hey, it's that guy again!" Eddy exclaimed as he dodged a feeble swipe from one of the zombies and aimed both Fat Daddy and Big Mama's barrels under its chin before firing, blowing the top of its head to smithereens.
Nick fired a few vinyl records from the High Fidelity and took cover as the projectiles ricocheted around the room, slicing up the zombies in their path. Juliet did a graceful flip before delivering several thrusting stabs with her chainsaw, pushing a zombie back before Ed blew its head off with a charged shot from his Energy Pistol.
"Well, that was a crappy party." Nick noted after the last of the zombies were finished.
"Wow! Dumbest, most explodiest birthday cake ever!" Juliet said as she inspected the dynamite cake.
"Um, gentlemen and one lady..." Double-D nervously began as a flaming zombie appeared. "I think there's a reason this cake was set up..."
"Don't play with fire."
"OH YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!" Eddy shouted in annoyance.
"Do not let the fire zombies touch the dynamite!" Nick cried as he took out the Dirty Harry and shot the first fire zombie away.
"Ed can act as defense for that." Double-D pointed out as Ed took out the Gauss Cannon and began opening fire.
"Whoever's behind this knows my birthday! We must be friends on Facebook!" Juliet noted. Dude, what the fuck, people still use Facebook?!
"Nah, Facebook is old shit. Everyone's doing Discord and Twitter these days." Eddy said.
"Silly Eddy, Twitter is now called-!" Ed began only to get clobbered over the head.
"I KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED NOW, LUMPY! AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE! I'M STILL CALLING IT TWITTER!"
"Eddy, please keep your profanity to low levels, even if we are in an M-rated fanfic based on an M-rated video game..." Double-D sighed.
After all the fire zombies were taken out, several wheelbarrows carrying zombies covered head-to-toe in dynamite rolled in. The five knew it was time to get the fuck out of there and bolted for the door, making it just in time as everything exploded behind them.
"DO IT AGAIN!" Ed laughed.
"I'm new to all this shit and I say that is the only time I wanna go through that!" Nick gasped out loud.
Suddenly, the group heard a cry as they looked up to see Morikawa-Sensei flying through the air...and landing face-first into Juliet's boobs, causing her to shriek. An evil laugh soon caught the heroes' attention as they looked up to see someone standing on the central statue.
"Magna-genocide, baby!"
"Hey! I recognize that guy!" Juliet said as she got a better look at the person; a goth guy the same age as the heroes with some kind of dark tome and a quill pen in hand.
"Swan?!" Ed cried.
"You know him, Ed?" Double-D asked.
"He and I watch Horror Movies together! We even have our own Horror Club!"
"He's the one planning to open the gate between here and Rotten World..." Morikawa-Sensei said as he got back to his feet. "I have to stop him."
"There's nothing more hysterical to me than watching this world burn! This world, this government, this society made my life a hell! Well, now everyone is gonna know a life of hell FOREVER!"
Goth Geek Bastard, Swan
Age: 18
Favorite Food: Pez
Hobbies: Murder, Planning World Domination
Fun Fact: Practices broody faces in a mirror
"Swan! Ed cried. "How could you betray us?!"
"You know how these things work, Ed! It's just like with Naruto and Sasuke!" Swan sneered. "Both of us went through Hell, but while you had all your friends to keep you out of the darkness, I had nobody in my corner!"
"Swan, if you really are Ed's friend, you still have time to stop this!" Double-D cried.
"Forget it, Sockhead. He's one of the nihilistic assholes who thinks just because he had a shitty childhood means he should make everybody else's life shitty too!" Eddy said, shaking his head.
Malicious Lords! I invoke your dark powers into declaring myself God of this realm! As the pawn is present, may your ritual commence, and may the Dark Purveyours appear, NOW!" Swan chanted, his tome glowing a malevolent dark purple as he began reciting words in Latin.
"NO!" Morikawa-Sensei shouted as he drew his knives and jumped up to stop Swan, only for five dark-colored balls to appear and violently smack him around like the craziest game of pinball ever.
"Oh! His arm shouldn't be bending like that! His arm shouldn't be bending like that!" Eddy cringed. "Oh crap, now it can!"
After a straight minute of getting the absolute fuck knocked out of him, Morikawa-Sensei was sent flying...right into Juliet's boobs again.
"If that happens a third time, I'm calling the police..." Double-D sighed.
"Sensei!" Juliet and Ed both cried, holding on to Morikawa as he slumped onto the ground, dropping his knives.
"This world makes me wanna puke!" One of the dark balls said, speaking in a girl's voice. "You're the one who called us here?"
"Yeah, that's right! I'm your new master! And I demand that you initiate the pawns into the ritual and rot every living thing in this school along the way!" Swan replied, to which they all laughed as he joined in.
"I think I dig this kid! A real uckin' headcase!" The one in the red bubble said.
"How could you do this to Sensei-Morikawa?!" Juliet demanded.
"I'm gonna kick your asses for this!" Nick said.
"Save some for me, Nicky-Boy!" Eddy scowled.
"Ed, whatever past you had with Swan is gone now. Now we need to stop him!" Double-D said, igniting his lightsaber.
"WE ARE FRIENDS NO MORE!" Ed angrily said, aiming his Super Shotgun at Swan.
"That smell? These are zombie hunters!" One of the dark bubbles said. "Give us the order, Master!"
"Let the ritual commence! ZED!" Swan said, sending the red orb into the ground.
The five heroes got ready but then a puddle of blood formed as an undead punk rocker with a red mohawk emerged from it, grinning wickedly.
"Let's play. PISS OFF!"
Suddenly, 'PISS OFF' in giant red and black letters materialized, launching the five heroes screaming away like Team Rocket.
"ARE WE GONNA KEEP FLYING FOREVER!?" Eddy screamed before the five finally landed...in a car junkyard.
"Oh, hell!" Nick cursed.
"Oh, my back..." Double-D moaned.
"My spleen!" Ed said as he sat up straight and shook his head.
The five friends all got to their feet, seeing a mosh pit in the center of the junkyard where Zed was waiting for them. He suddenly let out a punk rock scream as everyone covered their ears.
"JESUS CHRIST, THAT SCREAM COULD MAKE A DEAF PERSON'S EARS BLEED!" Eddy cried in anger.
"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH! I'M PUNK ROCK ZOMBIE ZEEEEEEED! WELCOME TO THE MOSH PIT, YOU ZOMBIE-HUNTING SLEAZES!"
"Who you callin' a sleaze?!" Nick angrily demanded as he took out the Flaming Compensator. "Let's fuck this asshole up, guys!"
The five friends ran down the path leading to the mosh pit. Zed shouted more giant letters at them like projectiles, which they quickly dodged.
"I'M GONNA ROCK YOUR BRAINS OUT, LITERALLEY!"
"Nobody told me we were gonna have to deal with giant letters!" Nick noted in annoyance.
"That My Chemical Romance wannabe is destroying San Romero!" Juliet snapped as she took out some zombies that got in the way.
"Oh, I love that song 'Teenager', have you heard that?" Nick asked.
"I do!" Ed happily chimed in.
"I'm not the biggest fan of it myself, to be honest," Double-D admitted.
"Meh." Eddy simply said.
"That's not important right now, guys! We have to kill this guy!" Juliet said as the group continued down the path.
"Ugh, I can never understand why some people enjoy this kind of music!" Double-D said, cringing as the Punk Rock Music got louder the closer they got to Zed.
Juliet then chimed in. "Hey, what do you think about this for a catchphrase, guys: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. A LOT."
"I think you could do better." Nick said. Yeah, I'm totally with you, man. That was a solid 'D-' right there...
"Juliet, come on, you can't just force a catchphrase, it's gotta come from the gut!" Eddy chided. "I mean, look at Ash from Evil Dead! You think Bruce Campbell just came up with 'Groovy' and 'Hail To The King, Baby!' on the fly?"
As they were talking, they passed underneath a hanging car, only for Zed to scream again and cause the car to fall down on them.
"Shit! Look out!" Nick cried.
Ed quickly held his hands up and caught the car as if it was a paperweight then gently tossed it off to the side as he and the rest of the gang continued down the path.
"I'LL RESTRING MY GUITAR WITH YOUR INTESTINES!" Zed shouted, shooting more giant letters at the group.
"His voice is Mega-Irritating!" Juliet said as she used her chainsaw to cut a car blocking their way in half.
Some zombies came out just as the group walked through the opening, only for Nick to take out two with a single blazing shot from the Flaming Compensator while Eddy took out the rest with a Death Blossom spin using his guns.
"HOW DO YOU LIKE THE SPOTLIGHT, SLAGS?!" Zed demanded.
"What's a slag, Double-D?" Ed asked.
"I'll explain when you're older, Ed." Double-D gently said to his simple-minded best friend.
As the group got closer, Nick got a closer look at the stage Zed was standing on.
"He made a stage from all the cars at San Romero."
"How did he do that in such a short time?" Double-D asked, questioning the logic behind that feat.
"Oh my god! Total waste of a Volvo!" Juliet commented.
After dodging more traps and killing more zombies, the team of five finally made it to the stage but Zed was strangely nowhere to be seen despite having just been there literal seconds ago.
"It probably took him three hours to spike his mohawk this morning. Needy, much?" Juliet commented.
"I honestly do not know how some people get their hair like that," Double-D said.
"My Ed Sense is tingling!" Ed said as he grabbed his friends and jumped out of the way just as Zed crashed down.
"I'M GONNA CRUSH YOUR FACE!" He then stood up, rocking his head while laughing maniacally.
"Good god, can this asshat be any louder?!" Eddy growled as he covered his ears while Zed screamed again.
"YOUR ASSES ARE MIIIIINE! MMM, I LOVE THE SMELL OF ALMOST-DEAD ASSHOLES IN THE MORNING!"
"Ewww! That is naughty, mister!" Ed scolded.
Punk Rock Zombie ZED!
Influences: The Misfits, Black Flag, Torturing small animals
"TORTURING SMALL ANIMALS?!" Juliet snapped as she read the bio. "What kind of whackjob waterboards Chip and Dale?! That makes Guyliner here like the most uncoolest dude ever!"
"You said it, baby! As much of a dick my bro was, even he wouldn't go that far!" Eddy said.
"I concur, Eddy. That's the first indicator of a serial killer if I ever saw one!" Double-D voiced in disgust.
With a flick of her wrist, Juliet threw her lollipop into the sky, which disappeared with a twinkle as Nick readied his twin sais while Ed cracked his knuckles, Eddy readied Rich Bich, and Double-D ignited his lightsaber.
"WELCOME TO SKULL FUCK CENTRAL!" Zed cried as the battle commenced, an epic Punk Rock Boss Theme playing.
The five sprung into action but Zed showed himself to be extremely fast, dodging their attacks with ease before delivering a dashing thrust with his spiked mic stand that was eerily similar to Dante's Stinger technique from Devil May Cry.
"Time to give this dude a manpon for his mangina!" Eddy snapped. "And how's about a real Devil May Cry Stinger, asshole!"
Eddy delivered his own Stinger with Rich Bitch, which actually knocked Zed back a little bit but that only served to piss him off as he charged up and then screamed into his mic.
"STUPID COOZE!"
"FUCK! Giant letters!" Nick cried as he ducked under them while Juliet gracefully flipped over them.
"Your vulgar words shall not deter us, good sir!" Double-D shouted as he clashed his lightsaber with Zed's mic stand, the two clashing a brief bit before Zed leaped back and charged up for another scream.
"COCKSUCKER!"
"Juliet, give this dude a new asshole on his forehead!" Nick snapped as he tried shooting at Zed with the High Fidelity while dodging the giant letter constructs but Zed zipped back and forth, dodging the ricocheting vinyl records.
Juliet nodded and quickly flipped in the air before bringing her chainsaw down on Zed's head, cutting him halfway down the middle. However, he simply put himself back together, laughing insanely all the while.
"YOU THINK THAT HURTS ME?! I JUST JIZZED A LITTLE!"
"Normally, I'm not a violent person, but this scoundrel is just begging for a, pardon my language, ASS-WHOOPING!" Double-D snapped.
Zed ignored him and screamed into the sky, summoning speakers that inexplicably fell from the sky because I guess that's one of his fucking powers as a Dark Purveyor or some shit.
"What purpose do these even serve?!" Eddy snapped as he began destroying the speakers with quick shots from his guns.
"Punks ARE dead, dude! Get real!" Nick angrily said as he used his sais to destroy the speakers around him.
Zed tried to stop the heroes from destroying his speakers by throwing miniature flaming chakrams at them, but they skillfully dodged and destroyed all the speakers. However, Zed created one massive speaker and stood atop it, rocking his head to the music.
"FUCK! BRING IT ON!"
"Guys, let's fuck up that speaker!" Nick shouted as the five went to town on the speaker, Juliet finishing with a clean cut with her chainsaw, knocking Zed off the giant speaker and onto the ground, leaving him vulnerable.
"Your turn, Ed!" Juliet smiled as Ed grinned behind his helmet and revved up his gas-powered chainsaw, rushing at Zed and slicing him nearly in half at the waist.
"Oh, that one...actually hurt a little, bitch!" He splurted up blood as he put himself back together, but his voice was more subdued.
Despite the deep blow, Zed was back to running around and trying to strike the heroes with his mic stand. Ed and Eddy kept him at bay with his guns, Double-D and Juliet nimbly dodged his chakrams, and Nick backed them up as best he could until he ran out of ammo.
"LONDON IS CALLING, AND THEY SAY YOU'RE A WHORE!" Zed said as he levitated in the air and charged up for one big ultimate attack, screaming out a massive barrage of giant letter constructs.
"FUCKING GIANT LETTER BULLSHIT!" Nick yelled angrily as the five pushed through Zed's onslaught before Juliet finally came down with a final swing from her chainsaw, which Zed desperately tried to block with his arms.
"NOT COOOOOL!" The Punk Rock Zombie cried before Juliet managed to slice him down the middle, also lopping off his hands at the wrist. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
"Boom! Just like Frieza!" Eddy cheered, pointing two fingers in the air triumphantly.
"OHHHHH! I'M NOT DONE SCREAMING YET! OH, THIS REALLY FUCKIN' HURTS, MAN!" Zed screeched in unimaginable pain as he fell apart.
"Geez, so emo." Juliet groaned in disgust as her lollipop fell back down from the sky, which she caught and proudly stuck in her mouth.
A portal of darkness appeared and whatever was left of Zed was suddenly drawn back into it.
"MEUS VITA, REGE, PRO NEFARIO COEPTO."
"That does not bode well..." Double-D frowned.
"Everyone, you did it!" Morikawa-Sensei was heard as the five turned to see him limping toward them.
"Mr. Morikawa!" Nick, Eddy, and Double-D exclaimed.
"Sensei!" Juliet and Ed cried, the whole group rushing up to him as he collapsed.
"You managed to purify... One of the Dark Purveyors."
"Yeah, he was a real bitch too, but he went down like one too." Eddy said as he and Double-D did their best to support the old man as he pulled out a map and placed it on the ground for everyone to see.
"Look at this." He then coughed up blood, which splattered on the map before magically taking the shape of all five Dark Purveyors, each of them controlling a certain area. "Zed was only the weakest of the Dark Purveyors."
"I mean, that much was obvious," Nick noted.
"But the other four are still here, rotting the school." Morikawa noted. "By now they've probably transformed all your fellow students into the undead."
"Crap, that means more zombies we have to deal with." Eddy cursed.
Morikawa-Sensei suddenly began coughing more violently. It was clear that his time was almost up.
"Sensei!"
"Mr. Morikawa!"
"Juliet, Ed, Double-D, Eddy, and Nick... I have faith... You can stop them... All humans must die... As I must now, too." He said, fading from this world.
"Sensei, no, don't leave!" Juliet pleaded, trying to revive him as I put my fist to my heart and bowed my head in respect.
Suddenly he perked back up, still having some strength left in him for one last thing.
"Oh, I have this for you, Juliet." He said, giving her a box wrapped with a cute pink bow. "Happy birthday, Juliet. You were always my favorite pupil."
With that, the last of Morikawa-Sensei's strength left him and he collapsed, fully dying. Ed took off his helmet to show his tear-stained face as Eddy and Double-D put comforting hands on him while Juliet bowed her head in grief, holding the present close while Nick comforted his girlfriend.
Suddenly, a giant elevator fell from the sky. Morikawa-Sensei's soul left his body and entered the elevator, giving the heroes one last thumbs-up before he was taking to the great beyond.
"Godspeed, you magnificent bastard..." Eddy said, making a sign of the cross out of respect.
After taking the time to mourn her fallen master, Juliet opened her gift and gasped happily at what she saw; a new modification for her chainsaw.
"Oh, my gosh! Thanks, Sensei!" She cheered. "CHAINSAW DASH!"
"Now that's a sweet ride!" Nick smiled.
And so ends the first act! Zed's dead baby, Zed's dead!
But there are still four Dark Purveyors to go! Our heroes have their hands full with this mission!