CHAPTER 9: THE ZIGGY STARDUST
Waking up the next morning James was relieved to find out it had all been just a dream.
Then Sirius informed him that, nuh-uh, it had not been a dream and they were going back there as soon as opportunity presented itself.
Opportunity presented itself, and they returned to the garden, where it was bright as a summer's evening, and went straight to the scene of crime.
"This was where it happened!" said Sirius.
James watched him nose around the ivy clad shed, like he thought he was Warlock Gnomes, pointing out specks of blood splatter here and there. Inside the shed, Sirius found that the axe had been cleaned but not thoroughly enough and then he came out with two shovels so they could dig up the body.
"Aha!" he exclaimed when the carpet was exposed.
They dropped their shovels and pulled out the carpet burrito and laid it on the ground.
Sirius put his foot on the carpet burrito.
"I'm sorry you had to find out this way. But you will be thankful you found out at all."
He then began to unroll the carpet by means of kicking. James could barely look.
"Hate to say I told you so," said Sirius with a distasteful smugness, before unrolling the final bit with one last kick.
Peering through his fingers, James thought his traumatised mind was playing tricks on him. All he saw was a battered cabbage and a red feather.
He removed his hands. And pinched the feather.
"And I thought I hated my greens!"
Sirius turned away and sighed.
"He moved the body."
"That would make sense," said James, fiddling around with that feather. "But I might have an even better explanation if you're interested."
"I can't wait!"
"To be honest I can't understand why you haven't thought the same thing already."
"Thought of what?"
"The Slim Shadow, of course! Remember when I told you all about it?"
FLASHBACK:
It was a dark and stormy full moon night in the early days of October. James and Sirius were staying up late on Monday, to see if they would hear it again.
And sure enough. They did.
"Aha!" Sirius exclaimed. "If you think a wolf from Canada swam here then I have a bridge to sell you!"
James scraped together the remaining crumbs of salt and vinegar crisps in the bowl.
"Could be the Slim Shadow."
"The what?"
"The Slim Shadow. Have I told you about the Slim Shadow? It imitates things. It's how it attracts its prey. It senses who is near, and imitates whatever that person is looking for."
"I've never heard of the Slim Shadow. Where did you hear about it?"
"Rem told me about it."
"And that's enough for you, is it?"
"I'm just saying that it could be the Slim Shadow. That's the problem. How do we know, whether or not it is the Slim Shadow?"
"Honestly, the stuff people have to invent because they can't handle the truth."
"It makes sense though. Remember when we were up last time listening to Meaty and that? It wasn't actually a full moon then."
"Yes it was!"
"Nah nah. It was a fake one. Think about it. It is an easy mistake to make. Did we ever check? If you had told me yesterday that it was a full moon then, I would probably have believed you. It's called scrotumistation."
"Huh..," said Sirius thoughtfully, like he had just learned something.
Which he had.
END FLASHBACK
"But if it was the Slim Shadow," said Sirius. "How does the cabbage and the carpet come in?"
"Idunno."
"There's going to be a full moon tomorrow. Would that be a good time to look for it?"
"I think it would be the best time to do it. But we really have to work out a good plan. It is after all very dangerous. Remember what The Great Book of Wikius said?"
FLASHBACK:
The Great Book of Wikius lay on a lectern in the grand school library. A ribbon stuck out where a page had last been edited. Supposedly anybody could edit The Great Book of Wikius. Even though it was widely acknowledged that it couldn't be trusted, everybody still trusted it.
Sirius opened it and wrote Slim Shadow on the search page.
The page replied in writing: This page does not exist.
"Looks like somebody's been having their leg pulled!"
"No, you're just not spelling it right!" James pushed him aside. "You have to spell it like this:
He wrote, checking with his note: Slitmm Shkaddow.
This time a page about the Slim Shadow appeared. It had the following to say:
The Slitmm Shkaddow is extremely dangerous. It can imitate anything very effectively. Defeating one is impossible. Nobody who has gone and looked for it has survived. It is all-powerful, has no weakness and must be avoided at all costs.
"I think we are lucky we survived!" said James.
It has recently been sighted in the small rural town of Hogsmead. The only way to be safe from it is to sleep at night. Spotting one means death.
Spotting one meant DEATH!
END FLASHBACK
It made James and Sirius feel pretty superior, the way their peers were still wetting themselves over the Hogsmead Werewolf. After all, who had started the rumour about the werewolf with the two heads? They had. Who knew it was just a Slim Shadow imitating? They did.
Yet it could not be helped that some kids were so desperate for attention they still went around claiming to have been attacked. It was honestly kind of sad.
"I was attacked!" said Sirius.
The circle of boys and girls that surrounded him stepped back with a collective gasp. They were a mixed house bunch freezing outside during recess.
"Does..," said Roy fearfully, "does it mean...?"
"Yes," said James gravely. "Yes it means just that. It means that if you don't watch your backs you will ALL be shredded Slim Shadows!"
The fear previously radiated by this bunch of marshmallows went poof.
"What's a Slim Shadow?" Ebola asked.
"It's a creature that imitates things, look it up," said Sirius, glancing at his nails nonchalantly.
"There is one in the Hogsmead right now pretending to be Siamese werewolf triplets," said James, glancing nonchalantly at his nails. "You probably did not know that."
"So you're saying," said Phil, "that the Hogsmead Werewolf is actually a Slim Shadow? What proof do you have?"
"Easy!" said Sirius, his hands on a school camera he had nicked. "We will get proof tonight!"
"You're going to look for it tonight?" said Roy. "Are you mad!"
They all looked at the day moon in the blue sky.
"It's not madness if you have a flawless plan!" said Sirius.
They probably needed to work out a flawless plan first. After all, spotting one meant death.
The plan was to take a boat to Hogsmead.
"Now that we have worked out our flawless plan," said James, "Shall we go down and watch some TV?"
"Hell yes!" said Sirius, quickly wiping make-up from his face. (He had been to a band audition.)
James put away his sweet ride and then they hurried out of the wood shop.
The room with the tele-crystal-orb-vision was full. James and Sirius had look for room to sit on the floor.
At eight o'clock the eagerly awaited program started.
"I am Mr Hypno," said the Amazing Hypno on the crystal screen. "Welcome to my show."
His waistcoat was glitter gold. The music was jazzy. Mr Hypno pulled out his gold watch.
"You're getting sleepy. You're getting sleepy. Sleepy..."
When James and Sirius woke up again it was already the next morning.
A month later the entire lake had frozen over. James and Sirius were on the grey beach, freezing in their snorkel parkas. Sirius walked a few steps on the ice.
"Can't we, like, just walk it?"
They walked carefully on the ice until it began to creak and give under them, at which point they hurried back.
James suddenly remembered something.
He remembered that he had finished his broomstick the night before!
"How did I forget that I finished my awesome new broomstick yesterday?"
He stuck his fingers in his mouth and whistled. His brand spanking new broomstick, that he had been tirelessly shaping and forming nearly every night in the wood shop for the past months, cracked into being.
It was a thing of incredible beauty. James grabbed it from the air and flipped it upright.
"What do you think?"
Sirius was visibly amazed and very speechless.
"Very nice!" he said when he was no longer speechless.
"Thank you."
"Did you use that feather you found as the core?"
"Yes!"
"So are you going to name it something cool?"
"'Course I am!"
But what?
There was a rip in the cosmic fabric. Professor Powers hopped out with his pretty assistant.
"This way, Fanny! Yes I think this is the right year! Hello chaps!"
"You forgot to put the record back, Eton!" said Fanny, hurrying after.
Powers had a David Bowie record tucked under the arm. He used his egg timer to open up a rift in the cosmic fabric, threw the album towards it and ran off with his assistant, not noticing that the rift had closed before the record could enter it.
Sirius picked it up.
"The Rise And Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars. Far out! Let's listen to it when we get back!"
He passed it to James.
"Ziggy Stardust? That's what I want to name my awesome new ride! I shall name it: Ziggy Stardust!"
And lo. It was decided.
James finished his cola and broke the glass bottle on the Ziggy Stardust. Then the two hopped on and took off.
Flying the Ziggy Stardust, it was like being a swift in the sky. This was what it had to feel like, to be a bird.
Then the weather got immediately worse. A horrible snow storm forced them to emergency land on a speeding train. They weren't discovered until the train made a stop in Oldshed and by then they were dead.
Gryffindor lost a whopping 300 points and James and Sirius were forced to clean out dead flies from every single lamp.