EPOV
I glanced over at the clock on the nightstand, confirming just how long I had been lying here silently having a staring match with a spot on my bedroom ceiling.
It was 3 am and I couldn't sleep.
The warm weight of Jasper's body pressed into my side, his head resting on my shoulder, was both a source of comfort and distress. I glanced down at his sleeping face, his full lips parted slightly as he rested peacefully, and I wished, not for the first time, that he could have this look of serenity during his waking hours.
Tonight had been equally amazing as it was troubling as I thought about the clear juxtaposition between Jasper's actions and his thoughts. I felt a sense of shame rise inside me as I remembered the indescribable feeling of his lips wrapped around my cock, knowing that if the blood had actually been in my brain I should've picked up on the fact that he was pushing himself too far, trying to please me despite his own distress. I hated the fact that I'd let myself be so fucking blind, so caught up in the feeling that I hadn't stopped him.
I didn't know how I was supposed to navigate this clusterfuck, because ultimately all I wanted to do was make Jasper happy. It should be the simplest thing in the world, yet every time I felt like things were on track and we were making progress, something would happen to throw a wrench in our plans. I wouldn't, couldn't, give up on him, on us. I knew we could make this work, I just wished that I could make things easier for him, to take away the pain and anxiety that he was constantly struggling with.
I sighed and pulled my arm tighter around him as if I could physically shield him from the worries of the world, as the majority of them weren't held inside his own pretty little head. He shifted slightly in his sleep, and I froze, fearing that I'd woken him. His arm snaked out to wrap around my waist, pulling himself impossibly closer to me, as his face nuzzled into my chest.
"Edward..." he mumbled quietly against my skin, the feeling sending sparks through my body.
I smiled despite my inner turmoil, raising my hand to graze gently over his cheek, his features only barely illuminated by the moonlight shining into the room through the trees. My heart was so full it felt like it would burst as I carefully tucked a lock of his honey-blonde hair behind his ear and pressed my lips lightly against his forehead.
"I love you," I softly whispered into the quiet of the room, the first time those words had left my lips.
I had always known that I was in love with Jasper. I had known it when merely seeing him became the highlight of my day, and thinking of him was enough to make me smile no matter the situation. But I hadn't told him, not yet. I didn't want to scare him, to put any more pressure on him than he may already feel. I had to remind myself that it had only technically been a couple of weeks since we had been together like this, only a short time since Jasper had allowed himself to see me as more than a friend. While I had been pining for him for years at this point, secure in my sexuality, all of this was new to him and I needed to remember to pump the breaks occasionally.
It was becoming increasingly harder in public to remind myself that I couldn't hold his hand, or pull him into a kiss when I wanted. I was grateful that we could at least be ourselves at both of our homes now that my parents were in the loop, but school still sucked. I didn't blame Jasper for not immediately wanting to out himself though, high school was hard enough without having to deal with bigotry. Even though most people we knew were progressive and didn't think twice about being someone gay, that didn't mean you didn't still get the occasional asshole parroting their small-town parent's outdated hatred. I'd been through it already a few years ago, and though I had built it up to be worse than it actually had been, I was still subject to a few sneers and dirty looks from some locals around town. I didn't want Jasper to be subjected to that, but I also didn't want him to hide who he was. It was a real fucking catch-22, and both options sucked.
"Edward?" Jasper mumbled again, and I assumed he was still dreaming until his hand lightly brushed over my cheek, getting my attention.
"What are you doing awake, my love?" I ran my fingers through his curls as he looked up at me, his blue eyes barely open.
"I was going to ask you the same thing," he said through a yawn.
I smiled at just how sweet he truly was, "I couldn't sleep, my brain won't shut up."
"What's wrong?" his brow furrowed slightly as he looked at me.
"Nothing is wrong, love. I'm just enjoying watching you sleep."
"Creeper," he smiled, pressing a kiss to the underside of my jaw as I chuckled.
"Hey, I can't help it. Plus you're the one saying my name in your sleep."
Even in the dark of the room, I could tell a blush spread over Jasper's cheeks at my teasing, and he buried his face into my shoulder. "I did not," he murmured.
"You did too, it was cute."
"I am not cute," he said defiantly, pulling back to glare at me through sleepy eyes.
"Baby, you are downright fucking adorable," I chuckled.
"Am not," he huffed, rolling over to bury his head in the pillow to hide his bashfulness.
I shook my head and laughed as I curled over beside him, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. "Don't be like that, love."
He turned his head to peek at me from the pillow, the redness of his cheeks evident even in the low light as he pouted, his golden hair falling in front of his eyes. I stared at him, willing myself to remember this image for the rest of my life, not wanting to forget this perfect, easy moment.
"What?" he whispered.
"Nothing," I smiled, pushing his hair back from his face, the words 'I love you' so close to the tip of my tongue that I had to bite them back.
He gave me a curious look before rolling over and returning to his place cuddled against my side once more. I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.
"Goodnight, my love," I whispered into his hair.
"Goodnight, darlin'," he replied, his breath fan fanning across my chest and his body warming mine as I finally fell into a peaceful sleep.
~bfoso~
"Y'know," I scooped up the last of the maple syrup on my plate with my fork and put the last bite of pancake in my mouth, "I just realized something."
"Was it the fact that you don't actually have to talk with your mouth full?" Jasper smirked at me from across the table as we sat on the outside porch, enjoying a rare sunny morning.
I rolled my eyes and made an exaggerated show of chewing and swallowing before continuing. "No, you prick. I was going to say, we haven't been on a real date yet."
Jasper chuckled at my theatrics, finishing the last of his chocolate chip pancakes, a Sunday morning Cullen tradition that my dad stuck to religiously, come hell or high water. "I guess we haven't. We sort of skipped the whole dating part and went straight to the relationship."
"I guess you were just too head over heels for me," I grinned at him, leaning back in my chair to feel the sun on my face.
"Yeah righto, by all accounts it's you who was smitten from day one," he teased, nudging my leg under the table with his.
"Well, can you blame me, pretty twink like you strolls into my life, what was I supposed to do?" I shrugged nonchalantly, anticipating his reaction.
"I am not a twink!"
I laughed at the scandalized look on his face, satisfied with myself for getting a rise out of him so easily. "You are, babe."
Jasper furrowed his brow with a look of mild confusion as if he wasn't sure if he should be offended or not. "Aren't twinks usually bottoms?" he said, his words unsure and slightly embarrassed.
I couldn't help but throw my head back in laughter as a flush of red crept over his cheeks. "How do you know that?"
He shrugged, his eyes downcast as if he didn't want to look at me, "Just looked up some stuff," he murmured almost too low for me to hear.
I bit my lip to stop from laughing again, resigned to the fact that I probably shouldn't tease him too much. "What did you look up?" I couldn't hide my smirk as I leaned closer to him over the table, thankful my parents were inside for this conversation.
"Nothing, it don't matter," he muttered, playing with the hem of his shirt, still not looking at me.
"Don't go getting yourself stressed out over nothing, babe," I shook my head and moved around to his side of the table, taking a seat next to him on the wooden bench. "We're not there yet." I smiled and tucked his hair behind his ear.
He looked up at me, his face still flushed with his embarrassment and I leaned in to kiss him in a silent show of reassurance, as I knew his thoughts could easily run away with him.
"You're all sticky, you grub," he smiled, pulling back and wiping syrup from the side of my mouth with a napkin.
"Maybe you'll have to lick me clean," I teased, leaning in closer to him as he dodged me, pulling away laughing.
"Get out of it, ya nasty. Your parents are right there," he motioned to the dining room window where my folks were sat, Dad reading the paper and Mom rearranging fabric swatches.
"You're no fun." I leaned back and wiped my face properly, sighing. "So, how about that date?"
Jasper looked at me wide-eyed like I'd just suggested something insane, "Really?"
"Yeah?"
"What if someone sees us?" His eyes dropped down into his lap again, as if he was ashamed at his question.
I smiled sadly, knowing that he was right and I couldn't force him into this if he wasn't ready, "We could head over to Port Angeles, maybe see a movie or something? I'm sure I could behave myself for a few hours."
His mouth twitched in a smile at my suggestion, "I guess so. But I don't know about you behaving, I'm not sure you have it in you."
"Pinky swear?" I held my pinky out to him, and he wrapped his finger around mine, laughing.
"Fine, but you'd better behave," he smiled at me, our fingers still locked together.
~bfoso~
I sat in the driver's seat of my mom's car, my fingers drumming impatiently on the steering wheel as I waited for Jasper to hurry up. We had stopped by his house on the way to Port Angeles so that he could change into nicer clothes, and he had insisted I wait in the car since he would only be a few minutes.
A few minutes, my ass. It'd been nearly fifteen and I was about ready to send in search and rescue when I finally the front door of his house open.
Ho-ly shit...
Jasper walked over to the car and opened the passenger door, as I stared at him wide-eyed.
"What?" He asked confused at my expression.
"Fuck, you look good." I breathed, biting my lip as I drank him in from head to toe.
He was wearing a deep blood-red t-shirt that was practically painted on, under a faded denim jacket rolled up at the elbows, and ripped jeans that hugged his ass in the most delicious of ways. He'd also put on his cowboy boots, which somehow worked in a way only Jasper could make possible. He looked sexy as hell.
"I think you're just perpetually horny," he laughed, getting into the passenger seat beside me.
"Only around you, babe," I gave him a wink before pulling out onto the main road and heading out of Forks.
Jasper and I fell into easy chatter as we drove along the Olympic Highway towards Port Angeles, the sun beginning to get higher in the sky, casting long shadows across the road. Our elbows were resting side by side on the center console, our fingers interlaced as Jasper hummed along to the music he chose.
Within the hour we were arriving in Port Angeles, the city expanding out before us. "So, where to first?" I turned to glance at Jasper in the passenger seat.
"I've been meaning to pick up a present for Mama's birthday next month, we could do a bit of shopping and then grab lunch?"
"Sounds like a plan."
We ended up strolling along the streets, making our way from store to store, me dragging Jasper to look at things that caught my eye in the shop windows, and him getting hung up looking at various old books and memorabilia.
"What are you planning to get your mom?" I asked as we walked down the street, the ocean breeze cooling the warmth from the sun shining overhead.
"I'm not sure honestly, I was thinking maybe jewelry? She rarely ever buys anything nice for herself."
"Jewellery is always a solid choice, I think there's a shop just up here we can look at."
I had to keep reminding myself not to reach for Jasper's hand as we walked, the act had become instinctual spending this weekend alone with him without fear of judgment at home. We rounded the corner and stepped into a jewelry store that my mom and Alice had been to a few times before. Jasper studied the display cases along the walls, as I wandered around the store admiring the sea of sparkling things. The store attendant gave me a polite smile from behind the counter, likely wondering why two seventeen-year-old boys were in her store, as she continued to polish a gold chain in her hands.
"Ed, what do you think of this?" Jasper called out to me, pointing to a display of necklaces.
I peered over his shoulder at the one he was pointing at, a silver pendant in a tear-drop shape with a light blue faceted gem set into the middle. "That's really pretty."
"It's aquamarine, mine and Rose's birthstone. Is that too corny?" he furrowed his brow as he bent to look closer at the case of pendants.
"I think that's really sweet, I'm sure your mom would love it," he looked up at me and smiled, and I couldn't help but notice how much the blue gemstone matched his eyes.
After deciding on the necklace, I waved over the sales lady, who opened the case and pulled out the sparkling silver chain, securing it in a white box and tying it with a gold ribbon. Jasper seemed pleased with his choice, and we made our way back out to the street, slipping the small jewelry bag into a larger one I was carrying filled with a few things I'd picked up earlier.
As I was readjusting my grip on the shopping bags, I felt Jasper's hand slip into mine as he laced our fingers together. I looked at him with surprise, my eyebrows raising in a silent question. He gave me a small sincere smile and squeezed my fingers in answer, telling me without words that he was okay with this. My chest felt fluttery and I couldn't stop the grin that broke out on my face as we silently made our way down the sidewalk, hand in hand.
We decided to make lunch our next stop after I had insisted on buying Jasper a navy sweater that I knew he would look amazing in, so we found a quiet cafe near the seaside. We finished our meals quickly, the day of walking through the streets had built an appetite that was topped off with salted caramel milkshakes.
As we slowly made our way back to the car, Jasper's hand found mine again, and I squeezed his fingers gently in appreciation of his bravery in taking this daunting first step. In all honesty, I was absolutely over the fucking moon at the idea that I was currently walking hand in hand through the city with Jasper as my boyfriend, having spent the day on an official date with him. I made a mental note to pinch myself later, just in case I was dreaming. Until then though, if this was too good to be true, then I'd enjoy the hell out of it for a while longer.
We made it back to the car and loaded our - mostly mine - shopping bags into the backseat before making our way back East towards Forks. We were about 40 minutes into the drive, Jasper resting his head back against the headrest with his eyes closed, quietly singing along to my playlist when his phone pinged with the sound of a text. He shifted in the seat to pull his phone out of his pocket, and he'd not even read the first message before his phone chimed again, and then a third time.
"Everything okay?" I glanced over at him quickly, his face unreadable as he stared at the screen of his phone.
He didn't answer me, it honestly seemed as if he hadn't even heard me, his eyes transfixed as his phone chimed again. As if it was suddenly poisonous, Jasper threw his phone down on the floor at his feet, his hands reaching up to thread through his hair, his face stricken.
"Jazz, what's going on?" I tried to get his attention and also pay attention to the highway in front of me, his expression twisting with a mixture of shock and fear.
"I'm going to throw up," he mumbled, his voice strained and his paled face told me his words weren't a lie.
I stepped on the gas and sped towards a section of the road with a wide enough shoulder to pull off the road. I'd barely even stopped the car before Jasper had flung himself out and was bent over with his hands on his knees, heaving up the remnants of our lunch. I threw open my door and raced around to where he was hunched over, rubbing my hand on his back as he finished being sick.
"Baby, are you okay?"
Jasper stood and took a few steps back towards the car, before dropping to sit on the ground, his head between his knees. I knelt next to him, running my fingers through his hair and over his back, trying desperately to discern what the hell had just happened.
"Jasper?"
"Check your phone," he mumbled, his face still buried in his hands.
I was confused but figured it was the best way to get answers, so I quickly ducked into the car pulling my phone from the center console. I had 14 new messages, which I must have missed since my phone was on silent while I drove, not wanting a repeat of my last texting while driving incident. I scrolled through the notifications on the lock screen, each message was from a different person, all people we went to school with, most being people I barely even spoke to.
What the fuck?
I opened the first message from Bella Swan;
theres rumors going around about you, just fyi. people are shit
My eyebrows knitted together in confusion as I opened the next message from Angela Webber;
Mike is telling everyone you & Jasper are together, is that true? I hope you're okay
My heart sank, and suddenly Jasper's reaction made more sense. Had someone seen us? I scrolled through the next few messages, most saying variations of the same thing, not all as well-meaning;
Yo WTF jasper is gay?
Jess said she saw you and jasper full on making out in PA
always new u wud turn whitlock into a fag
I shoved my phone in my pocket, not bothering to read the rest of the vitriol that half the football team had sent, how the fuck they got my number I had no idea.
I knelt back down next to Jasper and I could see his chest rising and falling rapidly, evidently his panic at being outed was setting in. I gritted my teeth as the anger seethed inside me, pushing it down to deal with the matter at hand, not wanting to make things worse.
"Jasper, baby, please look at me."
He looked up at me, his face alarmed and his eyes filling with watery tears, as his breathing continued to speed up. I moved to sit in front of him, taking his face in my hands as he gasped his breaths, his tears spilling down his face.
"It's okay, Jasper, everything is going to be okay," I whispered, keeping his eyes focused on mine. "You need to calm down, just breathe."
"Edward," he sobbed, "I'm, I- sorry, I'm so- sorry"
My heart shattered at his apology as if he had done anything remotely wrong. "Shh, love, just breathe." I stroked my thumbs over his cheeks, brushing away his tears.
How many times had I seen my poor boy cry due to someone else's cruelty?
I pulled him forward into my arms, holding him as he sobbed on the side of the road, willing his breathing to slow enough for him to regain some control. "Just breathe with me, love. Everything is going to be okay. I've got you."
I continued to whisper into his ear, my hand stroking a continuous pattern on his back for him to concentrate on, as I breathed deeply for him to copy. It took some time, but eventually, his sobs subsided enough to allow his breaths to begin to even out. He gripped the back of my shirt the whole time, as if holding on for dear life, his face buried against my chest.
When I was satisfied his breathing had slowed enough, I pulled back to look at him, his eyes red and puffy from crying.
"Jasper?"
He looked at me with sad, fearful eyes, his mouth opening and closing with words he couldn't find.
"Let's get you back in the car and get you home, okay?" I said softly, helping him stand up off the ground, his hands still clinging to me like a scared child. I guided him towards the passenger seat, as I stood in the doorway next to him, cupping his cheek with my hand again.
"Don't fucking listen to any of those assholes, okay?" he looked at me and nodded meekly, his expression far away.
I sighed and leaned my forehead against his, closing my eyes. "I love you, Jasper. I don't give a shit what anyone else says. Fuck them. We don't need any of them." I felt his hands tighten where they gripped my arms, his head leaning forward to rest on my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around his shaking frame.
I kissed the top of his head and hugged him until I felt his hands loosen and him pull away slightly. When I looked at his face, a look of pure exhaustion had taken over his features, every trace of the carefree boy from earlier in the day wiped away and replaced with this weary one.
"Let's get you home, okay?" he nodded, the action seeming to take an immense effort.
I pulled his seat belt across his chest and buckled it before closing the door and getting back into the driver's seat. I may have risked a speeding fine the rest of the way back to Forks, which I'm sure my mother would murder me for if she found out, but my immediate priority was to get Jasper back home to a safe place where we could figure out what had happened. I glanced over at him every few minutes, his head was resting against the glass and his eyes were closed, his arms hugging his torso.
I mentally made a list of every fucking dickhead I was going to have beef with come school tomorrow morning, starting with Mike and Jessica by the sounds of it. Part of me couldn't believe someone would be so cruel as to maliciously spread information like that, knowing the reaction it would get, but a bigger part of me rationalized that this was high school and people lived for this shit.
At least when I had come out in sophomore year, it had been my choice and I had been the one to tell people. The news had still spread like wildfire, but at least I was the one holding the matches. Jasper had now been robbed of that opportunity, of that decision, all in the name of stupid, petty drama. I knew that he had been taking a risk today, but for fuck sake, we were an hour away from home and all he'd done was hold my hand. What were the odds that someone from school would've seen us and been enough of an asshole to immediately tell everyone they knew? I felt like I should have had better chances of being struck by fucking lightning.
By the time we were pulling up to Jasper's house, I had a pit of rage churning inside me, but I knew that this was neither the time nor place for that. Jasper needed me to tell him this was all going to be okay, which it would be, eventually. Once the rumor mill found some other poor soul to chew up and spit out. Until then, I knew things were going to suck. Our relationship was so new and precious, it really didn't need the entire senior class' eyes on it.
"Jazz, we're home, love" I placed my hand on his arm and he jolted, his eyes snapping open.
His face was filled with fatigue and anxiety, and I hoped I'd be able to ease that at least a little. We both got out of the car, I opened the back to grab the few things Jasper had bought, and followed him onto his front porch. The door was unlocked and Emmett's Jeep was parked in the drive, so I knew to expect him as we walked into the house.
As it would happen, Emmett was in the kitchen stirring a pot of something on the stove as we entered, his back to us. "Yo, what's happening, lovebirds?" he called over his shoulder.
Jasper stood in the middle of the kitchen, staring blankly at the floor, not saying a word. I stood next to him, resting my hand on the small of his back, hoping to provide some amount of comfort.
When neither of us replied, Emmett turned from the stove and looked at his brother, the smile on his face dropping as he instantly recognized his brother's despondent state.
"Jay," Emmett walked over to us, turning to look at me, "Ed, what happened?"
"We were in Port Angeles, I think someone from school must have seen us." I slipped my hand down to hold Jasper's, his eyes still staring into nothingness. "Our phones started blowing up on the way home. Jazz had a panic attack on the side of the road."
"Fuck..." Emmett muttered under his breath, turning back to look at his little brother.
Emmett bent to meet Jasper's eyes before pulling him into a hug, the all-enveloping kind that only someone like Emmett can give. I could see his jaw clenching and unclenching as he held Jasper, a look of anger I'd rarely ever seen in his eyes. I heard Jasper sniffle as he pulled back, wiping his eyes on the sleeves of his jacket.
"I'm fine," Jasper croaked, the first words he'd said since he had sat on the side of the road half an hour ago.
Emmett held him by the shoulders, "Why don't you go wash your face, Jay-jay. You'll feel better." Jasper nodded at his brother's instruction and made his way up the stairs. I collapsed down into a chair at the table, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands, as if Jasper's exhaustion was somehow contagious.
Emmett took a seat across from me, "How bad is it, Ed? You've been through this shit before, right?"
"Kinda, I came out by choice though." I pulled my phone out of my pocket and handed it to Emmett so he could scroll through the various creative ways to call someone a faggot that had been sent to me.
"Son-of-a-bitch," Emmett read through enough of the messages to get the gist, "You'd think people would be passed this shit in this day and age." he handed my phone back.
"You'd think so, but high school is still the fucking wild west, they'll run with any reason to ostracise someone if they can."
Emmett sighed, "Look, Ed, I don't know how Jay was handling this whole discovering he's gay thing before this, but don't be surprised if he struggles with it a bit. We didn't exactly have the most gay-friendly upbringing as kids." Emmett leaned back in his chair. "Don't get me wrong, Mama loves every one of God's children no matter who they wanna sleep with, but Dad... well, you already know that he was a real piece of work. Motherfucker was the biggest homophobe this side of the Mississippi, and he made damn sure his kids knew that being gay was the ultimate sin."
I could see the unfiltered hatred in Emmett's eyes as he spoke about their father, "Needless to say, it took me some unlearning and getting the hell out of dodge to realize all that was bullshit. Jasper copped a lot of that kind of talk right from when he was a baby, he'd play dress up with Rosie and shit like that. Dad would lose his fucking mind if he ever saw Jay doing anything girly, and he'd wind up with a belt around the ass for it."
"God, that's so fucked up," I murmured, my heart aching for Jasper as an innocent little boy.
Emmett huffed a humorless laugh, shaking his head in disgust, "That's our old man for ya."
I gritted my teeth at the thought of either of the brothers having to grow up with that sorry excuse for a man around. The thought made me sick to my stomach.
"You should probably go check on Jasper," Emmett sighed and stood to walk back over to the stove to stir his pot. "Let him know there's food here when he wants it.
"Will do," I nodded to Emmett, making my way up the stairs to Jasper's room.
I knocked softly on the door, opening it to find him curled up on his bed facing the wall.
"Love?" I sat gingerly next to him, resting my hand on his hip.
He flinched as if in pain, and rolled to sit up and face me, his eyes bloodshot.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, hugging his knees to his chest.
"Oh, baby, you have nothing to be sorry for." I brushed his hair back away from his eyes. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"I freaked," he said with a strained voice. "I shouldn't have. I don't want you to think I'm ashamed. I'm not ashamed."
I could hear his tone getting upset again and I moved to wrap my arms around him. "I don't think you're ashamed, Jasper. What you did today was so brave. It's not your fault that a couple of dickbags turned that into something awful."
He shifted to rest his head on my shoulder, his arm wrapped around my waist as I rocked him gently back and forth.
"I don't know what to do," he whispered against my shoulder.
"We'll figure it out, okay? Start by ignoring everyone trying to get a rise out of you. They're not worth your time," I ran my fingers through his hair. "There's plenty of people who aren't colossal assholes out there."
He nodded and pulled back, cupping my face between his hands and pressing a kiss to my lips. I could feel the mix of fear, hurt, and gratefulness in his kiss, and I returned it with reassurance and love, promising him that no matter what happened, we would be in this together.