J
Lisa turns and leans with her back against the lockers. Her legs are crossed at the feet and her arms are folded across her chest as she stares at the floor. The events unfolding have caught me so off guard, I can barely stand. I go to the wall opposite her and lean against it for support.
"Me?" I reply. "How did the fact that you're a teacher not come up? How are you a teacher? You're only twenty-one."
"Jennie, listen," she says as she ignores my questions.
She didn't call me 'Nini.'
"There has apparently been a huge misunderstanding between the two of us." She doesn't make eye contact with me as she speaks. "We need to talk about this, but now is definitely not the right time."
"I agree," I say. I want to say more, but I can't. I'm afraid I'll cry.
The door to Lisa's classroom opens and Eddie emerges. I selfishly pray that she, too, is lost. This cannot be my elective.
"Jennie, I was just coming to look for you," she smiles. "I saved you a seat." She looks at Lisa, then back at me and realizes she's interrupted a conversation. "Oh, sorry Ms. Manoban. I didn't know you were out here."
"It's fine Eddie. I was just going over Jennie's schedule with her." She says this as she walks toward the classroom and holds the door for both of us.
I reluctantly follow Eddie through the door, around Lisa, and to the only empty seat in the room; directly in front of the teachers' desk. I don't know how I am expected to successfully sit through an entire hour in this classroom. The walls won't stop dancing when I try to focus, so I close my eyes. I need water.
"Who's the hottie?" asks the boy I now know as Javier.
"Shut it, Javi!" Lisa snaps as she walks toward her desk, picking up a stack of papers. Several students let out a small gasp at this reaction. I guess Lisa isn't her usual self right now, either.
"Chill out, Ms. Manoban! I was paying her a compliment. She's hot! Look at her!" Javi says this as he leans back in his chair, watching me.
"Javi, get out!" Lisa says as she points to the classroom door.
"Ms. Manoban! Jeez! What's with the temp? Like I said, I was just…"
"Like I said, get out! You will not disrespect women in my classroom!"
Javi snaps back as he's grabbing his books. "Fine! I'll go disrespect them in the hallway!"
After the door shuts behind him, the only sound in the room is the distant second hand ticking on the clock above the blackboard. I don't turn around, but I can feel most of the eyes in the classroom on me, waiting for some sort of reaction. It's not so easy to blend in now.
"Class, we have a new student, this is Jennie Kim," Lisa says, attempting to break the tension. "Review is over. Put up your notes."
"You're not going to have her introduce herself?" Eddie asks.
"We'll get to that another time." Lisa raises up a stack of papers. "Tests."
I'm relieved Lisa has spared me from having to get in front of the class and speak. It's the last thing I would be able to do right now. It feels like there is a ball of cotton in my throat as I unsuccessfully try to swallow.
"Nini," she hesitates, and then clears her throat, realizing her slip. "Jennie, if you have something else to work on, feel free. The class is completing a chapter test."
"I'd rather just take the test," I say. I have to focus on something.
Lisa hands me a test, and in the time it takes to complete it I do my best to focus entirely on the questions at hand, hoping I'll find momentary respite from my new reality. I finish fairly quickly though, but keep erasing and rewriting answers just to avoid having to deal with the obvious; the fact that the girl I was falling in love with is now my teacher.
When the dismissal bell rings, I watch as the rest of the class files toward Lisa's desk, laying their papers face down in a pile. Eddie lays hers down and walks to my desk.
"Hey, did you get your lunch switched?"
"Yeah, I did," I tell her.
"Sweet. I'll save you a seat," she says as she turns to leave. She stops at Lisa's desk and she looks up at her. She removes a red tin from her purse and pulls out a small handful of mints and sets them on Lisa's desk. "Altoids," she says as she stares questioningly at the mints. "I'm just making assumptions here," she whispers loud enough for me to hear her. "But I've heard altoids work wonders on hangovers." She pushes the mints toward her.
And again, just like that, she's gone.
Lisa and I are the only ones left in the classroom at this point. I need to talk to her so bad. I have so many questions but I know it's still not a good time. I grab my paper and walk over to her desk, placing it on top of the stack.
"Is my mood that obvious?" she asks as she continues to stare at the mints on her desk.
I grab two of the altoids and walk out of the room without responding.
As I navigate the halls searching for my fourth period class, I see a bathroom and quickly duck inside. I decide to spend the remainder of fourth period and my entire lunch in the bathroom stall. I feel guilty knowing Eddie is waiting on me but I can't face anyone right now. Instead, I spend the entire time reading and re-reading the writing on the walls of the stall, doing my best to somehow make it through the rest of the day without bursting out in tears.
My last two classes are a blur. Luckily, neither of those teachers seem interested in my 'about me' either. I don't speak to anyone and no one speaks to me. I have no idea if I was ever even assigned homework. My mind is consumed by this whole situation.
I walk to my car as I search in my bag for my keys. I pull them out and fidget with the lock but my hands are shaking so bad I drop them. When I climb inside I don't give myself time to reflect as I throw the car in reverse and head home. The only thing I want to think about right now is my bed.
I pull into my driveway and kill the engine. I don't want to face Kel or my mother yet, so I kick my seat back and shield my eyes with my arms as I begin to cry. I replay everything over in my head. How did I spend so much time with her and not know she was a teacher? How can something as big as an occupation not come up in conversation? Or better yet, how did I do so much talking and fail to mention the fact that I was still in high school? I'm angry at the whole situation. I told her so much about myself. I feel like it's what I deserve for finally letting down my walls.
I wipe at my eyes with my sleeve, trying hard to conceal my tears. I was getting pretty good at it. Up until six months ago, I hardly had reason to cry. My life back in Texas was simple. I had a routine, a great group of friends, a school I loved and even a home I loved. I cried a lot in the weeks following my father's death until I realized Kel and my mother would not be able to move on until I did. I started making a conscious effort to be involved in Kel's life more. Our father was also his best friend at the time and I feel Kel lost more than any of us. I got involved in youth baseball, his karate lessons and even cub scouts; all the things my dad used to do with him. It kept Kel and I both preoccupied, and the grieving eventually started to subside.
Until today.
A tap on the passenger window brings me back to reality. I don't want to acknowledge it. I don't want to see anyone, let alone speak to anyone. I look over and see someone standing there, the only thing visible is their torso…and faculty I.D.
I flip the visor down and wipe the mascara from my eyes. I divert my attention out the driver side window as I press the automatic unlock button, focusing my gaze on the injured garden gnome who is staring back at me with his smug little grin.
Lisa slides into the passenger seat and shuts the door. She lays the seat back a few inches and sighs, but says nothing. I don't think either of us knows what to say at this point.
I look over at her when she finally does start speaking. Her foot is resting on the dash and she's stiff against the seat with her arms folded across her chest. She's staring directly at the note she wrote this morning that is still sitting on my console. I guess she made it by four o'clock after all.
"What are you thinking?" she asks.
I sit up and turn toward her, pulling my right leg up into the seat, hugging it with my arms. "I'm confused as hell, Lisa. I don't know what to think!"
She sighs and turns to look out the passenger window. "I'm sorry. This is all my fault," she says.
"It's nobody's fault," I disagree. "In order for there to be fault, there has to be some sort of conscious decision. You didn't know, Lisa."
She sits up and turns to face me. "That's just it, Nini. I should have known. I'm in an occupation that doesn't just require ethics inside the classroom, they apply to all aspects of my life. I wasn't aware because I wasn't doing my job. When you told me you were eighteen, I just assumed you were in college."
"I've only been eighteen for two weeks," I reply. I don't know why I felt the need to clarify that. After I say it I realize it sounds like I'm placing blame on her. She's already blaming herself; she doesn't need me to be angry at her too. This was an outcome that neither of us could have possibly predicted.
"I student teach," she says as she begins to explain. "Sort of."
"Sort of?" I ask.
"After my parents died, I doubled up on all my classes. I have enough credits to graduate a semester early. Since the school was so short-handed, they offered me a one year contract. I have three months left of student teaching. After that I'm under contract through June of next year."
I listen as I take in everything she says. Really though, all I hear is, "we can't be together…blah blah blah…we can't be together."
"Nini, I need this job. It's what I've been working toward for three years. We're broke. My parents left me with a mound of debt and now college tuition. I can't quit now."
Does she think I'm asking her to quit her job?
"Lisa, I understand. I'd never ask you to jeopardize your career. You've worked hard. It would be stupid if you threw that away for someone you've only known for three days."
"I'm not saying you would ask me that. I just want you to understand where I'm coming from," she says.
"I do understand," I say. "It's ridiculous to assume we even have anything worth risking."
Her eyes glance at the note on my console again as she hesitates. "We both know it's more than that."
Her words cause me to wince, because I know deep down she's right. Whatever was happening with us, it was more than just an infatuation. I can't possibly comprehend at this moment what it must be like to actually have a broken heart. If it hurts even one percent more than the pain I'm feeling now, I'll forego love. It's not worth it.
I attempt to stop the tears from welling up again but the effort is futile. She brings her leg off of the dash and pulls me to her. I bury my face in her shirt and she puts her arms around me and gently rubs my back.
"I'm so sorry," she says. "I wish there was something I could do to change things. I have to do this right, for Leo. I'm not sure where we go from here, or how we'll transition."
"Transition?" I say. I suddenly start to panic at the thought of losing her. "But-What if you talk to the school? Tell them we didn't know. Ask them what our options are…" I realize as the words are coming out of my mouth that I'm grasping at straws. There is no situation in which a relationship between us would be feasible at this point.
"I can't, Nini." Her voice is small. "It won't work. It can't work."
We hear a door slam and Kel and Leo come bounding down the driveway. We immediately pull apart and reposition our seats. I rest my head against the headrest and close my eyes, attempting to conjure up a loophole in our situation. There has to be one.
When the boys have crossed the street and are safely inside Lisa's house, she turns to me.
"Jennie?" she says nervously. "There's one more thing I need to talk to you about."
Oh god, what else? What else could be relevant at this moment?
"I need you to go to administration tomorrow. I want you to withdraw from my class. I don't think we should be around each other anymore."
I feel the blood rushing from my face. My hands start to sweat and the car is slowly becoming too small for the two of us. She really means it. Anything we had up to this point is over. She's going to shut me out of her life entirely.
"Why?" I make no effort to mask the hurt in my voice.
She clears her throat. "I'm not asking you to do this because I want to avoid you. I'm asking you this because what we have isn't appropriate. We have to separate ourselves."
Separate ourselves? My hurt quickly succumbs to the anger building up inside of me. "Not appropriate? Separate ourselves? You live across the street from me!"
She opens the door and gets out of the car. I do the same and slam my door.
"We're both mature enough to know what's appropriate, Lisa. You're the only person I know here. Please don't ask me to act like I don't even know you," I plead.
"Come on, Nini! You aren't being fair." She matches her tone to mine, and I know I've hit a nerve. "I can't do this. We can't just be friends. It's the only choice we have."
I can't help but feel like we're going through a horrible break-up, and we aren't even in a relationship. I'm so angry at her. At the entire situation. I can't discern if I'm really just upset about what has happened today, or my entire life this year.
The one thing I know for sure is that the only time I've been truly happy lately has been with Lisa. To hear her tell me that we can't even be friends hurts. It scares me that I'll go back to who I've been for the past six months; someone I'm not proud of.
I open the door to the car and grab my purse and keys. "So, you're saying it's either all or nothing, right? And since it obviously can't be all!" I slam the car door again and head toward the house. "You'll be rid of me by third period tomorrow!" I say as I purposefully kick the gnome over with my boot.
I walk in the house and throw the keys toward the bar in the kitchen with such force that they glide completely across the surface and hit the floor. I step on the heel of my boot with my toe and kick it off in the entry when my mother comes in.
"What was that all about?" she asks. "Were you just yelling?"
"Nothing," I say. "That's what it's about. Absolutely nothing!" I pick up my boots and walk to my room, slamming the door behind me.
I lock my bedroom door and head straight to the hamper of clothes. I pick it up and dump the contents out onto the floor, searching through them until I find what I'm looking for. My hand slides into the pocket of my jeans and I remove the purple hair clip and walk over to the bed, pull back the covers and climb in. I make a tight fist around the clip as I pull my hands up to my face, and I cry myself to sleep.
When I wake up, it's midnight. I lay there a moment, hoping I will come to the conclusion that this was all a bad dream but the clarity never comes. When I pull back the covers my hair clip falls from my hands and lands on the floor. This small piece of plastic, so old that it's probably covered in lead ridden paint. I think about how I felt the day my father gave it to me, and how all the sadness and fears were eliminated as soon as she put it in my hair.
I lean forward and retrieve it from the floor, pressing down in the center so that it snaps open. I move a section of my bangs to the opposite side and secure it in place on my head. I wait for the magic to take effect, but sure enough, everything still hurts. I pull the clip from my hair and throw it across the room as I climb back into bed.