J
The next three weeks fly by as my homework gets more intense, along with the isolation in Lisa's classroom. We haven't spoken since the day the snowman was murdered. We haven't had eye contact since then either. she avoids me like the plague.
I haven't been adjusting very well to Michigan. Maybe everything that happened with Lisa ended up making the move even harder. All I ever feel like doing is sleeping. I guess because it doesn't hurt as bad when you're asleep.
Eddie keeps bringing up possible fillers for the obvious hole in my boyfriend department, but I've rejected them all. She has finally resorted to switching places in Lisa's class with Taehyung in the hopes that something will bloom there.
It won't.
"Hey, Jennie," Taehyung smiles as he sits in his new spot nearest me. "Got another one for ya. Wanna hear it?"
In the past week alone, I've had to endure at least three Chuck Norris jokes a day from Taehyung. He incorrectly assumes that since I'm from Texas, I must be obsessed with "Walker, Texas Ranger."
"Sure." I don't try to deny him this privilege anymore, it doesn't work.
"Chuck Norris got a g-mail account today. It's ."
It takes me a second to process. I'm normally quick with jokes, but my mind has been sluggish lately, and for good reason.
"Funny," I reply flatly in order to appease him.
"Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice."
As much as I didn't feel like laughing, I did. Taehyung did annoy me quite a bit, but his ignorance was endearing.
When Lisa walks into the classroom, her eyes dart to Taehyung. Although she still doesn't look at me, I like to imagine a twinge of jealousy building up inside of her. I've been making it a point recently, once Lisa comes into the room, to become more attentive toward Taehyung. I hate this new desire that has overcome me; the desire to make Lisa jealous. I know I need to stop before Taehyung starts to get the wrong idea, but I can't. I feel like this is the only aspect of this entire situation that I have any control over.
"Get out your notebooks, we're making poetry today," Lisa says as she takes a seat at her desk. Half the class groans. I hear Eddie clapping.
"Can we have partners?" Taehyung asks as he starts inching his desk toward mine.
Lisa glares at him. "No."
Taehyung shrugs and scoots his desk back into place.
"Each of you needs to write a short poem which you will perform in front of the class tomorrow."
I start taking notes on the assignment, not willing to watch her as she speaks. Remaining in her class was a very bad idea. I can't focus on anything she's saying. I'm constantly wondering what's going on inside her head, if she's thinking about us, what she does inside her house at night. Even at home she's been the only thing I can think about. I find myself stealing glances across the street any chance I get. Honestly, if I would have just switched classes it probably wouldn't have made a difference. I would just rush home and beat her in the driveway so I could watch from the window when she pulls up to the house. This game I'm playing with myself is so exhausting. I wish I could find a way to let go of the hold she has on me. she seems to have done a pretty good job of moving on.
"You just need to start out with about ten sentences for tomorrow's presentation. We can expand over the next couple of weeks, giving you something to prepare for the slam," Lisa says. "And don't think I haven't forgotten. So far no one in here has shown up at the slam. We made a deal."
The entire class starts to protest.
"That wasn't the deal! You said we just had to observe. Now we have to perform?" says Gavin.
"No. Well, technically not. Everyone in here is required to attend one slam. You aren't required to perform, I just want you to observe. However, there's a chance you could be chosen to be the sacrifice, so it wouldn't hurt to have something prepared."
Several students ask what the sacrifice is in unison. Lisa explains the term and how it can be anyone chosen at random. Therefore, she wants everyone to have a piece ready before the night they are to attend, just in case.
"What if we want to perform?" Eddie asks.
"I'll tell you what. We'll make one more deal. Whomever willingly slams will be exempt from the final."
"Sweet, I'm in," Eddie says.
"What if we don't go?" Javi asks.
"Then you're missing out on something amazing. And you get an F for participation," she replies.
Javi rolls his eyes and groans at Lisa's response.
"So, what kinds of things can we write about?" Eddie asks.
Lisa moves to the front of the desk and sits, only inches from me.
"There are no rules, you can write about anything. You can write about love, food, your hobby, something significant that's happened in your life. You can write about how much you hate your Poetry teacher. Write about anything, as long as it's something you're passionate about. If the audience doesn't feel your passion, they won't feel you—and that's never fun, believe me." She says this as though she speaks from experience.
"What about sex? Can we write about that?" Javi asks. It's obvious he's trying to push Lisa's buttons. Lisa remains cool.
"Anything. As long as it doesn't get you in hot water with your parents. I'll be sending permission slips home for the slam at the end of the week."
"What if they don't let us go? I mean, it is a club," A student asks from the back of the room.
"I understand if they have hesitations. If there are any parents that don't feel comfortable, I'll talk to them about it. I also don't want transportation to be an issue. This club is somewhat of a drive, so if it's an issue, I'll take a school vehicle. Whatever the obstacle, we'll work through it. I'm very passionate about Slam Poetry and don't feel I'll be doing justice as your teacher if I don't allow you the opportunity to experience this in person.
"I'll answer questions throughout the week regarding the semester requirement. But for now, let's get back to today's assignment. You have the entire class period to complete the poem. We'll start presenting them tomorrow. Get to it."
I open my notebook and lay it flat on my desk. I stare at it, not having the first clue as to what to write about. The only thing that's been on my mind lately is Lisa and there's no way I'm doing a poem about her.
By the end of the class period, the only thing that's written on my paper is my name. I glance up to Lisa who is seated at her desk, biting the corner of her bottom lip. Her eyes are focused on my desk, down on the poem that I've yet to write. She glances up and sees me watching her. It's the first eye contact we've had in three weeks. Surprisingly, she doesn't immediately look away. If she had any idea how this lip biting quirk affected me, she'd stop. The intensity in her eyes causes me to flush as the room suddenly becomes warm. Her stare is impenetrable by nothing but the final class dismissal bell. She stands and walks to the door, holding it open for the students exiting. I immediately put away my notebook and throw my bag over my shoulder. I don't make eye contact when I leave the classroom, but I can feel her watching me.
Just when I think she's forgotten about me, she goes and does something like this. The entire rest of the day I'm extremely quiet as I attempt to analyze her actions. I eventually come up with just one conclusion: She's just as confused as I am.
I'm relieved to feel the warm sun beating down on my face as I walk toward my jeep. The weather has been insanely cold going into October. The predictions are that the next two weeks will be a nice respite from the snow before the full winter season begins. I insert the key into the ignition and turn it.
Nothing happens.
Great, my jeep is shot. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I pop the hood on the jeep and take a look. There's a bunch of wires and metal, that's about all I can comprehend from a mechanical standpoint. I do know what the battery looks like so I grab a crowbar from the trunk and tap it against the battery. After a failed attempt at getting the ignition to turn over again, I resort to pounding a little harder until I'm pretty much bludgeoning the battery out of sheer frustration.
"That's not a good idea."
Lisa walks up beside me, satchel across her chest, looking very much like a teacher and less like Lisa.
"You've made it clear that you don't think a lot of what I do is a very good idea," I say as I return my focus back under the hood.
"What's wrong, it won't crank?" she bends forward under the hood and starts to mess with wires.
I don't understand what she's doing. One day she tells me she doesn't want to speak to me, the next minute she's staring me down in class and now she's under my hood trying to help me. I'm not a fan of inconsistency.
"What are you doing, Lisa?"
She rises out from under the hood and cocks her head at me. "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with your jeep." She walks around to the driver's side and gets in, attempting to turn the ignition.
I follow her to the door. "I mean, why are you doing this? You've made it pretty clear you don't want me to speak to you."
"Jennie, you're a student stranded in the parking lot. I'm not going to get in my car and just drive away."
Her comparison, although accurate, hurts. She realizes her poor choice of words and sighs as she gets out of the car and looks back under the hood.
"Look, that's not how I meant it," she says as she fidgets with more wires.
I lean under the hood next to her in an attempt to look natural as I continue my point.
"It's just really hard, Lisa. It was so easy for you to accept this and move past it. It hasn't been that easy for me. It's all I think about."
Lisa grips the edge of the hood with her hands as she turns her head toward me.
"You think this is easy for me?" she whispers.
"Well, that's how you make it seem."
"Nini, nothing about this has been easy. It's a daily struggle for me to come to work, knowing this very job is what's keeping us apart." She turns away from the car and leans against it. "If it weren't for Leo, I would have quit that first day I saw you in the hallway. I could have taken the year off…waited until you graduated to go back." She turns toward me, her voice lower than before. "Believe me, I've ran every possible scenario through my mind. How do you think it makes me feel to know that I'm the reason you're hurting? That I'm the reason you're so sad?"
The sincerity in her voice is surprising. I had no idea. Over the last couple of weeks, I'd convinced myself she must have never even cared to begin with.
"I-I'm sorry. I just thought-"
Lisa cuts me off mid-sentence and turns back toward the car. "Your battery is fine, looks like it might be your alternator."
"Car won't start?" Taehyung asks as he walks up beside us, explaining the reason behind Lisa's sudden guarded behavior.
"No, Ms. Manoban thinks I need a new alternator."
"That sucks," Taehyung says as he glances under the hood. "I'll give you a ride home if you need one."
I start to decline when Lisa interrupts.
"That would be great, Taehyung," Lisa says as she closes the hood of the jeep.
I shoot Lisa a glance and she ignores my silent protest. Lisa walks away and leaves me with Taehyung and no other option for a ride home.
"I'm parked over here," Taehyung says as he leads the way to his car.
"Let me grab my stuff first." I reach for my bag and my hand goes up to find the ignition empty. Lisa must have accidentally taken my keys. I leave the door unlocked just in case she doesn't have them. I don't want to add a locksmith charge on top of our already mounting debt.
"Wow. Nice car," I say as we reach Taehyungs vehicle. It's a small black sports car. Not sure what kind but there isn't a spec of dirt on it.
"It's not mine," he says as we climb inside. "It's my dads. He lets me drive it when he's off work."
"Still, it's nice. Do you mind if we swing by Chapman Elementary? I'm supposed to pick up my little brother."
"No problem," he says as he turns left out of the parking lot.
"So, New Girl. You miss Texas yet?" Although it's been a month, he still calls me new girl.
"Yep," I reply shortly.
He attempts to make more small talk but I treat his questions as if they are rhetorical, even if they aren't. I can't stop thinking about the things Lisa said to me before Taehyung interrupted us. Taehyung finally grasps the idea that I'm not in a chatty mood so he turns on the radio.
We pull up to Kel's school and I get out of the car so Kel can spot me, since I'm not in my jeep. When Kel notices me, he comes running up to me, followed by Leo. "Hey, where's your jeep?"
"Won't start. Hop in, Taehyung is giving us a ride home."
"Oh. Well Leo is supposed to go with us today."
I open the back door as the two climb in the small backseats. They immediately start oohing and aahing. The remainder of the short drive consists of transformer comparisons and Taehyung's car.
When we arrive at the house, Kel and Leo jump out of the car and run inside. I thank Taehyung and follow the boys toward the house when I hear Taehyung open his door.
"Jennie, wait," Taehyung calls after me.
Ugh. Almost in the clear. I turn to see him standing in my driveway, looking nervous.
"Later this week, Eddie and Gavin and I are going to Getty's. You wanna come?"
I definitely should have laid off on the obvious flirtation with Taehyung. I feel guilty, knowing good and well I've sent him the wrong signals.
"I don't know. I'd have to run it by my mom. I'll let you know tomorrow, okay?" I see the hope fill his eyes and wish I would have went ahead and turned him down. I don't want to give him any more false hope than I already have.
"Yeah. Tomorrow. See ya." Taehyung gets back in his car and drives away.
When I walk in the house, Kel and Leo are both at the bar with their homework out. "Leo, do you live with us now or what?"
He looks at me with his big, green, Lisa-looking eyes. "I can go home if you want me to."
"No. I was just kidding. I like you being here, it keeps this little creeper away from me." I squeeze Kel's shoulders then walk into the kitchen and grab a drink.
"So is that Taehyung guy your boyfriend? I thought my sister was going to be your girlfriend."
Juice spews from my mouth as Leo catches me off guard with his observation. "No, neither of them. Your sister and I are just friends, Leo."
"But Jennie," Kel gives Leo a mischievous grin. "I saw you kissing her that night y'all came home. In the driveway. I was watching from my bedroom window."
My heart jumps to my throat. I walk over to them and place my hands firmly on the bar in front of them.
"Kel, don't ever repeat what you just said do you hear me?"
His eyes get big and he and Leo both lean back in their chairs as I lean forward across the bar.
"I'm serious. You did not see what you thought you saw. Lisa can get in a lot of trouble if you repeat what you said. I mean it."
They both nod as I leave the room. I pull my notebook out of my bag and throw it on the bed, plopping down next to it to start on my homework, but I can't. The thought of anything getting out about Lisa and I distracts me. As much as I hate the fact that we can't be together, I hate the thought of her getting fired even more. She needs this job. Lisa was only one year older than me when her parents died, and she essentially became a parent herself. The more thought I give it, the guiltier I feel for being so hard on Lisa and the decision she's made. The pain I'm feeling as a result of us not being together pales in comparison to what Lisa must be going through. I feel less and less like Lisa's peer every day and more like her student.
I decide to work on the poem I've yet to start, but after half an hour I'm still staring at a blank page when my mother walks in.
"Where's your jeep?"
"Oh, I forgot to tell you. It won't crank, alternator or something. It's parked at school."
"How can you forget to mention that?" she says, obviously frustrated.
"I'm sorry. You were sleeping when I got home. I know you've been sick this week so I didn't want to wake you up."
She sighs as she sits on my bed. "I don't know when I'll be able to get it fixed. I work the next few days. Do you mind just keeping it at the school for a couple days until I can work it out?"
"I'll ask tomorrow. I doubt they would even notice it's there."
"Okay. Well, I've got to get to work." She stands up to leave.
"Wait. Your shift doesn't start for a few more hours."
"I need to run errands." She shuts the door, leaving me to question the validity of her response.
I'm drying my hair after my shower when I think I hear the doorbell. I turn the dryer off and listen for a moment and it eventually rings again.
"Kel, get the door!" I yell as I pull on my sweats. I pile my still-wet hair into a band and double it up on top of my head as I throw on a tank top. The doorbell rings again.
"Kel!" I yell as I make my way to the front door. I check the peep hole and see Lisa standing outside, her arms crossed as she trembles. My heart skips a beat at the sight of her and I turn to check my reflection in the entryway mirror. Sure enough, I look like I just got out of the shower. At least I'm not wearing Kel's house shoes. Ugh. Why do I even care?
I open the door and motion for her to come inside. She steps in far enough for me to shut the door behind her but doesn't come any further inside.
"I just need Leo. Bath time."
Her arms are still crossed and her speech is curt. I take this as a sign that I'm not going to get any confessions out of her right now, so I tell her to give me a sec as I go fetch Leo.
I check Kel's room, my mother's room and eventually my room when I run out of rooms to check.
"They aren't here, Lisa." I say as I walk back into the living room.
"Well, they have to be. They aren't at my house." She makes her way down the hallway and checks the rooms as she calls for them. I open the patio door, flick on the outdoor switch and make a quick scan of the small backyard.
"They aren't out back," I say as we meet back in the living room.
"I'll check my house again," she says.
Lisa makes her way across the street as I follow behind her. It's dark outside and the temperature has dropped since earlier in the day. I become increasingly concerned as we make our way to Lisa's house. I know Kel and Leo wouldn't be outside this time of night. If they aren't in one of the houses, I don't know where they could be.
Lisa makes a quick run of her house. I don't feel comfortable walking through it since I've never really been further than the kitchen, so I stand in the doorway and wait.
"They aren't here," she says, unable to hide the uncertainty in her voice. My hands go to my mouth as I gasp, fully realizing the seriousness of the situation. Lisa can see the fear in my eyes and she puts her arms around me.
"We'll find them. They're just off playing somewhere." Her reassurance is brief as she lets go and heads back out the front door. "Check the backyard; I'll meet you out front," she says.
We are both calling the boys' names when the panic rises up in my chest. It reminds me of the time I was babysitting Kel when he was four, and I thought I had lost him. I searched the entire house for twenty minutes before finally breaking down and calling my mother. She immediately called the police who arrived within minutes. They were still searching when she finally made it home-the panic in her eyes when she walked through the door cut through me and we both started to cry. After searching for over fifteen minutes, an officer found Kel passed out on the folded towels in the bathroom cabinet. Apparently he had been hiding from me when he fell asleep.
I'm hoping to find the same sense of relief when I look through Lisa's backyard, but they aren't here. I make my way around the side of her house and see Lisa standing in the driveway, staring inside her car. When she sees me running toward her, her finger goes up to her mouth, instructing me to be quiet. I peer into the backseat where Kel and Leo are both crouched in the floorboard, their fingers and hands clamped together in the shape of guns; they're both passed out.
I breathe a sigh of relief.
"They would make horrible guards," she whispers.
"Yeah, they sure would."
We both stand there, staring at our little brothers. Lisa's arm goes around me and she gives my shoulders a quick squeeze. Her hug doesn't linger at all though, so I know it's nothing more than a gesture expressing relief that our brothers are safe.
"Hey, before you wake them up, I've got something of yours inside." She walks toward her house so I follow her inside and into the kitchen.
My heart is still pounding against my chest, although I can't distinguish if it's the aftermath of the search for our brothers, or if it's just being in Lisa's presence.
She pulls something out of her satchel and hands it to me. "Your keys" she says as she drops them into my hand.
"Oh, thanks," I say, somewhat disappointed. I don't know what I expected her to have but I was fantasizing that maybe it was her resignation letter.
"It's running fine now. You should be able to drive it home tomorrow." she makes her way to her couch and sits.
"What? You fixed it?" I say.
"Well, I didn't fix it. I know a guy who was able to put an alternator on it this afternoon."
Her comparison in the parking lot comes back to mind. Somehow I doubt she would have an alternator put on any other student's vehicle.
"Lisa, you didn't have to do that," I say as I sit beside her on the couch. "Thanks though. I'll pay you back."
"Don't worry about it. You guys have helped me a lot with Leo lately, it's the least I can do."
And yet again, I'm at a loss for what to say next. It feels like that first day I was standing in her kitchen, contemplating my next move after she helped me with my bandage. I know I should get up and leave, but I like being here next to her. Even if I am finding myself in her debt again. I finally find the confidence to speak again.
"So, can we finish our conversation from earlier?"
She adjusts herself in the couch and props her feet on the coffee table in front of us. "That depends," she says. "Did you come up with a solution?"
"Well, no," I reply, just as a possible solution comes to mind. I lean my head against the back of the couch and meekly suggest my idea.
"Suppose these feelings we have just get more… complex." I pause for a moment. I'm not sure how she's going to take this new suggestion of mine, so I tread lightly.
"I wouldn't be opposed to the idea of getting a G.E.D."
"That's ridiculous," she says, eyeing me sharply. "Don't even think like that. There's no way you're quitting school, Nini."
I'm Nini again.
"It was just an idea," I say.
"Well, it was a dumb one."
We both think silently, neither of us coming up with any other solutions. My head is still resting against the back of the couch as I watch her. Her arms are crossed behind her head as she stares up at the ceiling. Her jaw is clenched tight and she's absentmindedly popping her knuckles.
She's no longer wearing the clothes she wears as a teacher. Instead, she has a plain white fitted t-shirt on and grey jogging pants that are almost identical to the ones I'm wearing. For the first time tonight, I notice her hair is wet. I haven't been this close to her in weeks; I was beginning to forget what she smells like. I inhale as I take in the scent of her aftershave. It smells like the air in Texas right before it starts to rain. If thunder had a smell, I imagine Lisa would smell just like it.
There's a small dab of cream right below her left ear. My hand instinctively moves up to her neck as I wipe it away. She flinches and turns toward me and I defensively hold up my finger as if to prove my reason for touching her. She pulls my hand toward her as she rubs my finger across her shirt, wiping off the excess cream.
Our hands come to rest on her chest as we continue to look at each other in silence. My palm is flat against her heart and I can feel it rapidly beating against my hand. I know this exchange between us is wrong, but it feels incredibly right.
She allows my hand to remain on her chest as it moves up and down to the rhythm of her breath. The look in her eyes is the exact look she had when she was watching me in class today. Although this time, my physical response is more intense and I struggle to control the powerful urge to lean in and kiss her. I've wanted to talk to her like this for over a month now. I still had so much to say before she started pretending I didn't exist. I'm afraid as soon as I walk out of her house tonight, the isolation will return. I decide to tell her what I've wanted to say to her for weeks.
"Lisa?" I whisper. "I'll wait for you-until I graduate."
She exhales and closes her eyes as she strokes her thumb across the back of my hand. "That's a long wait, Nini. A lot can happen in a year." Her pulse increases against my palm.
I don't know what comes over me, but I lean closer and turn her face toward mine. I just need her to look at me.
She doesn't meet my gaze. Instead, her eyes focus on her hand as she slowly moves it up my arm. All the same sensations that flowed through me the first night we kissed come flooding back. I've missed her touch so much.
I watch her as she moves her hand to my shoulder. She slides her fingers underneath the strap of my shirt as she traces along the edges. Her movements are slow and methodical as she pulls her legs off of the table in front of her and turns her body toward me. Her expression seems full of conflict as she slowly leans in and presses her lips against my shoulder. I wrap my arms around her as I inhale. Her breath becomes heavier as her lips move across my shoulder and onto my neck. The room starts to spin, so I close my eyes. Her lips make their way to my jaw and closer to my mouth. When I feel her pull away I open my eyes again and she's watching me. There's a slight moment of hesitation in her eyes just before her lips close over mine.
In the past, her kisses have been very delicate and smooth. There is a different hunger behind her now as she slides her hands under my shirt and grasps at my waist. I return her kisses with the same feverish passion. I run my hands through her hair and pull her to me as I lay back on the couch. As soon as she begins to ease her body on top of mine, her lips break away and she sits back up.
"We've got to stop," she says. "We can't do this." She squeezes her eyes shut and rests her head against the couch.
I sit back up and ignore her protest as I slide my hands up her neck and through her hair. I press my lips to her and pull myself onto her lap. Her hands wrap around my waist and she pulls me into her as she returns my kiss with even more intensity than before. She's right; they do get better every time.
My hands find the bottom edge of her shirt and I slide it up. Our lips separate for a brief moment as her shirt passes between us. I place my hands on her chest and run them over the contours of her muscles as we continue to kiss. Her hands grip my arms and she pushes me down onto the couch. I'm waiting for her to find her way back to my mouth, but instead she pushes away from me and stands up.
"Jennie, get up!" She demands as she grabs my hand and pulls me up from the couch.
I stand up, still caught up in the moment and unable to catch my breath.
"This—this can't happen!" She's attempting to catch her breath too. "I'm your teacher now. Everything has changed, we can't do this."
Her timing sucks. My knees are weak so I sit back down on the couch for support. "Lisa, I won't say anything. I swear." I don't want her to regret what just happened between us. For a moment, it felt like we were back where we belonged. Now, seconds later I'm confused again.
"I'm sorry, Jennie but it's not right," she says as she paces the floor. "This isn't good for either of us. This isn't good for you."
"You don't know what's good for me," I snap. I'm getting defensive again.
She stops pacing and turns toward me. "You won't wait for me. I won't let you give up what should be the best year of your life. I had to grow up way too fast, I'm not taking that away from you, too. It's not fair. I don't want you to wait for me, Jennie."
The shift in her demeanor and the way my entire first name is flowing from her mouth is causing the oxygen to deplete from the room. I'm dizzy.
"I won't be giving anything up," I reply weakly. I would have screamed it if I could muster enough energy.
She grabs her shirt and pulls it on over her head as she moves further away from me. She walks to the opposite side of the living room and grips the back of the couch, her head falling between her shoulders.
"My life is nothing but responsibilities. I'm raising a child for Christ's sake. I wouldn't be able to put your needs first. Hell, I wouldn't even be able to put them second. You deserve better than third."
I stand up and walk over to her, kneeling on the couch in front of her. I place my hands on top of her. "Your responsibilities should come before me, which is why I want to wait for you, Lisa. You're a good person. This thing about you that you think is your flaw-it's the reason I'm falling in love with you."
My last few words trickle out as though I've lost what little control over myself I had left. I don't regret saying it, though.
She pulls her hands out from under mine and places them firmly on either side of my face. She looks me directly in the eyes. "You are not falling in love with me." She says this as if it's a command. "You cannot fall in love with me." Her face is hard as she clenches her jaw again. I feel the tears begin to well in my eyes as she releases me and walks toward the front door.
"What happened tonight-" She's pointing to the couch as she speaks. "That can't happen again. That won't happen again." She says this as though she's trying to convince more than just me.
After she walks outside, she slams the door behind her and I'm left alone in her living room. My hands clutch at my stomach as the nausea intensifies. I'm afraid if I don't regain my composure soon, I won't be able to stand long enough to make it out of the house. I inhale through my nose and exhale from my mouth as I count backwards from ten.
It's a coping technique I learned when I was younger from my father. I used to have what my parent's referred to as "emotional overloads." My dad would wrap his arms around me and squeeze me as tight as he could as we counted down. Sometimes I would fake the tantrums just so he would have to squeeze me. What I wouldn't give for my dad's embrace right now.
The front door opens and Lisa re-enters carrying a sleeping Leo in her arms. "Kel woke up, he's walking home now. You should go too," she says quietly.
I feel completely embarrassed. Embarrassed of what just happened between us and the fact that she is making me feel desperate; weaker than her. I snatch my keys off the coffee table and turn toward the door, stopping in front of her.
"You're an asshole," I say. I turn and leave, slamming the door behind me.
As soon as I get to my bedroom, I collapse on the bed and cry. Although it's negative, I finally have inspiration for my poem. I grab a pen and simultaneously start writing as I wipe away smudged tears off of the paper.