J
I can honestly say I feel like I've moved through the five stages of grief in every aspect of my life.
I have accepted my father's death. I accepted his death months before we even moved to Michigan. I've accepted my mother's fate. I realize she hasn't even died yet, and that the stages of grief will once again recommence when she does. But I know it won't be as hard.
I've accepted living in Michigan. The song I listened to on repeat at Lisa's house in the floor was called Weight of Lies. A portion of the lyrics say,
"The weight of lies will bring you down, follow you to every town 'cause nothing happens here that doesn't happen there."
Every time the song looped, all I ever heard was the part about the lies-and how they weigh you down. Tonight as I drive toward Detroit in my jeep, I know what those words really mean. It's not just lies they're referring to. It's life. You can't run to another town, another place, another state. Whatever it is you're running from-it goes with you. It stays with you until you find out how to confront it.
Whatever it is I was hoping to run back to Texas from, it would eventually make its way back to me. So here I am in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Where I'll stay. And I'm okay with that.
I've accepted the situation with Lisa. I don't blame her at all for what she chose. Sure, I had fantasies of her sweeping me off my feet, telling me she doesn't need a career when she has love. The reality of it is, if she would have put her feelings for me first; it would've been hard to accept that she could so easily throw away the things that are the most important to her. It would have said a lot less about her character. So, I don't blame her, I respect her. And someday when I'm ready, I'll thank her.
I pull up to the club a little after eight o'clock. Gavin had a surprise for Eddie so they took a detour, said they'd be here late. The parking lot is unusually crowded, so I have to take a spot in the back of the building. When I get out of the car, I take a deep breath and prepare myself. I'm not sure when it was that I decided I was going to perform tonight, but I'm having second thoughts.
My mother's words linger in my head as I make my way to the front door. "Push your boundaries Nini, that's what they're there for."
I can do this. They're just words. Repeat them and you're done. It's that simple.
I walk in the door a few minutes late. I can tell the sac is about to perform because you could hear a pin drop. I sneak in and quietly make my way to the back of the room. I don't want to draw attention to myself, so I slide into an empty booth. I take my phone out to turn the volume down and text Eddie letting her know where I'm sitting. That's when it happens; I hear her.
Lisa is standing in front of the microphone on the stage, performing a piece as the sacrifice.
I used to love the ocean.
Everything about her.
Her coral reefs, her white caps, her roaring waves, the rocks they lap, her pirate legends and mermaid tails,
Treasures lost and treasures held…
And ALL
Of her fish
In the sea.
Yes, I used to love the ocean,
Everything about her.
The way she would sing me to sleep as I lay in my bed
then wake me with a force
That I soon came to dread.
Her fables, her lies, her misleading eyes,
I'd drain her dry
If I cared enough to.
I used to love the ocean,
Everything about her.
Her coral reefs, her white caps, her roaring waves, the rocks they lap, her pirate legends and mermaid tails, treasures lost and treasures held.
And ALL
Of her fish
In the sea.
Well, if you've ever tried navigating your sailboat through her stormy seas, you would realize that her white caps are your enemies. If you've ever tried swimming ashore when your leg gets a cramp and you just had a huge meal of In-n-Out burgers that's weighing you down, and her roaring waves are knocking the wind out of you, filling your lungs with water as you flail your arms, trying to get someone's attention, but your friends
just
wave
back at you?
And if you've ever grown up with dreams in your head about life, and how one of these days you would pirate your own ship and have your own crew and that all of the mermaids
would love
only
you?
Well, you would realize…
Like I eventually realized…
That all the good things about her?
All the beautiful?
It's not real.
It's fake.
So you keep your ocean,
I'll take the lake.
Air. Or Water. I don't know which one I need. I slide out of the booth and head toward the front door but make a beeline for the bathroom. I just need silence.
When I open the door to the bathroom, the stalls are empty. There's a girl washing her hands at the only available sink, so I decide to wait on the water. I pick the big stall. I lock it behind me and lean up against the door.
Did that just really happen? Does she know I'm even here? No, she doesn't. I told her I wasn't coming. She didn't intend for me to hear it. Even so, she wrote it. She said herself that she writes what she's feeling. Oh my god, she loves me. Lisa Manoban is in love with me.
I've known all along how she felt about me. I can see it in the way she looks at me. But to hear her words and the emotions behind them. How am I supposed to face her? I'm not. She still doesn't know I'm here, I just have to leave. I need to leave before she sees me.
I open the bathroom door and scan the area but I don't see her. Luckily, another performer is on stage so most of the eyes are glued to the front of the room. I slip through the entryway and out the front door.
"Jennie! Look what Gavin got me!" Eddie is making her way inside, holding her hair back, wanting me to look at her ears.
"Eddie, I've got to go."
Her smile fades.
"I'll call you later." I brush past her without looking at the earrings. "You didn't see me!" I yell behind me as I go.
I make my way around the building and smash into Javier as he's rounding the corner. Good grief! Is the whole class here? Someone's going to let it slip that I was here. I don't want Lisa to know I saw her.
"Hey, what's the hurry?" he asks as I slip between him and the wall.
"I gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow." I quickly walk away. I don't have time for chit chat. I just want to get in my jeep and pull out of this parking lot as soon as I can.
"Wait, I'll walk you to your car," he says as he catches up to me.
"I'm fine, Javi. Go ahead and go inside, they already started."
"Jennie, we're in Detroit. You're parked behind a club. I'm walking you to your car."
"Fine. But walk fast."
"What's your hurry?" he asks as we make our way to the rear of the building.
"I'm just tired. I need sleep," I say as I slow down, feeling confident that Lisa didn't see me.
"There's a café down the road. Want to go grab some coffee?" he asks.
"No, thanks. I don't need caffeine, I need my bed."
He is silent as we make our way to my jeep in the back of the lot. I reach down to grab my keys out of my-shit! My purse. I left my purse in the booth.
"Shit!" I say as I kick at the gravel in front of me. My shoe loosens a piece of rock and it flicks against the door of my jeep.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"My purse. I left my keys and my purse inside." I fold my arms across my chest and lean against the jeep.
"It's not that big of a deal. We'll go back inside and get them."
"No, I don't want to. Would you mind getting it for me?" I smile at him, hoping it will be enough.
"Jennie, you don't need to stay back here by yourself."
"Fine. I'll just text Eddie to bring it out. Do you have your phone?"
He pats his pockets. "No, it's in my truck. Come on, you can use it." Javi says this as he reaches down and takes my hand and leads me toward his truck.
He unlocks his door and reaches inside for his phone.
"It's dead," he says as he plugs it into the charger. "Give it couple minutes to get a charge, then you can call her."
"Thanks," I say as I lean against his truck and wait.
He stands next to me as we wait for the phone to charge. "It's snowing again," Javi says as he wipes something off my arm.
I look up and see the falling flakes contrasted against the black sky. I guess we're about to finally see what a Michigan Winter really looks like.
I turn to face Javi. I was about to ask him something about snow tires, or plows but it slips my mind as soon as his hands grasp my face and his tongue makes its' way into my mouth. I turn my face and push against his chest with my hands. When he feels my resistance his face backs away from mine, but his body is still pressed against me, pushing me against the cold metal of his truck.
"What?" he smiles. "I thought you wanted me to kiss you."
"No, Javi." I'm still pushing against him with my hands but he doesn't budge.
"Come on," he says with a smug grin on his face. "You didn't leave your keys inside. You want this." His mouth encircles mine again and my pulse starts to race against my chest. It's not the same reaction I get when Lisa makes my pulse race. This time it's more like fight or flight mode. I try to scream at him, but his hands are pulling my face into his so hard that I can't catch a breath. I try to move but he's using his body to pin me against his truck, making it virtually impossible for me to break free.
I close my eyes. Think, Jennie. Think.
Just as I'm about to bite down on his lip, Javi pulls away from me. But he keeps going backward. Someone is dragging him away from me. He falls to the ground and Lisa straddles him, grabs hold of his shirt and sends a blow straight to Javi's jaw. Javi falls back to the ground but turns over and pushes off against it, causing Lisa to stumble backward.
"Stop!" I scream.
Lisa is knocked to the ground when Javi returns the punch. I'm afraid Javi is going to hit her again, so I throw myself between them just as Javi swings a punch intended for Lisa-straight into my back. I fall forward and land on Lisa. I try to catch a breath, but I have none. I can't inhale.
"Nini," Lisa says as she rolls me onto the ground next to her. Her worry is fleeting, however, as rage fills her eyes. She grabs the door handle of the car next to us and starts to pull herself up.
"I didn't mean to hit you," Javi says as he walks toward me.
I'm on the ground so I don't see what happens next, but I hear a smack and I can see Javi's feet are no longer planted on the ground. I look up just as Lisa leans over Javi and delivers another punch.
"Lisa, get off him!" Gavin yells. Gavin is pulling Lisa back and they both fall to the ground.
Eddie rushes to my side and pulls me upright. "Jennie, what happened?" She has her arms around me and I'm clutching my chest. I know I was hit in the back, but it feels like my lungs are concrete. I'm gasping for air, but I can't answer her.
Lisa rustles out of Gavin's grip and stands up. She walks to me and takes my hand as Eddie scoots out of her way. She pulls me up and puts my arm around her shoulder, wraps her other arm around my waist and starts walking me forward.
"I'm taking you home," is all she says.
"Wait," Eddie yells as she circles to the front of us. "I found your purse."
I reach out and take it from her and attempt to smile. Her hand goes up to her ear in the shape of a phone and she mouths 'call me.'
Lisa assists me into her car as I gently lean back against the seat. My lungs have refilled with air, but every breath I take feels like I've got a knife protruding from my back. I close my eyes and focus on inhaling and exhaling through my nose as we drive away.
Neither one of us speaks. Me, because I can't. Lisa because-I don't know why. We drive in silence until we're almost to the Ypsilanti city limits.
Lisa jerks the car to the side of the road and throws it in park. She punches the steering wheel before she gets out of the car and slams the door. Her figure is illuminated by the headlights of the car as she walks away from the vehicle, sporadically kicking at the ground and cursing obscenities. She finally stops and I watch as she stands loosely with her hands on her hips. Her head is leaned back and she's looking at the sky, letting the snow fall on her face. She stands like this for a while until she makes her way back to the car, sits down, and calmly shuts her door. She puts the car into gear and we continue to drive in silence.
I'm able to walk, my breathing has returned to normal, and the knife in my back feels more like a lump now. Regardless, she still assists me as we walk into her house.
"Lay down on the couch, I'll get some ice," she says.
I do as she says. I ease myself stomach first onto the couch and close my eyes, wondering what in the world just happened to tonight.
I feel her hand on the couch as she kneels down next to me. "Lisa!" I gasp as I open my eyes and actually see her face. "Your eye." There's a trail of blood running down her neck from a gash above her eye.
"It's fine. I'll be fine," she says as she leans over me. "Do you mind?" she asks as her hands grasp the bottom of my shirt.
I shake my head.
She pulls my shirt up over my back and I feel something cold compress against my skin. She places the ice pack on top of the injury. She stands and opens the front door, shutting it behind her as she leaves.
She left. She just left without saying a word. I lay there for a few more minutes, expecting her to return right away, but she doesn't.
I roll onto my side and let the pack of ice fall onto the couch. I ease my shirt back down and prepare myself to stand up just as the door bursts open and my mother runs in.
"Nini? Sweetie, are you okay?" She throws her arms around me. Lisa walks in behind her.
"Mom," I say weakly as I return her hug and cry.
--
"It's fine Mom, really," I say as she's tucking me into my bed, asking me how my back feels for the one hundredth time in the ten minutes that I've been home.
She smiles and strokes my hair. That's what I'm going to miss the most about her. The way she strokes my hair as she looks at me with so much love in her eyes.
"Lisa says you got hit in the back. Who hit you?"
I wince as I try to push myself up against my pillow.
"Javi. He's in my class. He was trying to punch Lisa but I got in the way."
"Why was he trying to punch Lisa?"
"Because Lisa punched him. Javi walked me to my jeep when I left the club. He thought I wanted him to kiss me. I was trying to push him off of me-I couldn't get him to stop. The next thing I know Lisa's on top of him, punching him."
"That's awful, Nini. I'm so sorry," she says as she leans forward and kisses my forehead.
"It's fine, Mom. I'm fine. I just need some sleep."
She strokes my head again before she stands up and flicks the lights off.
"What about Lisa? What's she going to do?" she asks before she closes the door.
"I don't know," I reply. Because at first, I think her question is referring to what she's going to do about Javi. But after she shuts the door, I realize she's asking what she's going to do about her job.
I lie awake for hours after that, dissecting the situation. We weren't on school grounds. She was defending me. Maybe Javi won't say anything. Lisa did throw the first punch, though. And the third. And the fourth. And probably would have thrown the fifth if Gavin wouldn't have walked up when he did. I try to recall every small detail of the entire night, in case I'm asked to defend her actions tomorrow.
The next day, I wake up to find Leo in my kitchen with Kel eating cereal.
"Hey. My sister can't take us today. Says she has something she has to do."
"What does she have to do?"
Leo shrugs. "I dunno. She brought your jeep home this morning. Then she left again." A spoonful of fruit loops goes into his mouth.
I can barely sit through my first two classes. Eddie and I spend second period writing notes back and forth. I told her everything that happened last night. Everything except for Lisa's poem.
I feel like I'm floating as we walk to third period. Almost like in my dreams when I'm hovering above myself, watching myself walk. I feel like I'm not in control of my actions, I'm just observing them as they are carried out. Eddie opens the door and walks in first. I follow slowly behind her as I make my way through the classroom door. Lisa isn't here yet. Neither is Javi. I inhale as I take my seat. The bustling of the conversation among the other classmates is briefly interrupted by a crackling over the intercom.
"Jennie Kim, please report to administration."
I immediately swing around and look at Eddie. She gives me a half-hearted smile and a thumbs up. She's just as nervous as I am.
There are several people in the office when I walk in. I recognize the principal, Mr. Murphy, speaking with two men I don't recognize. When he notices me walk in, he nods and motions for me to follow him through the door. When I enter the room, Lisa is seated with her arms folded at the table. She doesn't look up at me. This doesn't look good.
"Ms. Kim, please take a seat," Mr. Murphy says to me as he seats himself at the other head, opposite Lisa.
I choose the chair closest to me.
"This is Mr. Chorizo, Javier's father," says Mr. Murphy, motioning toward the man I didn't recognize.
Mr. Chorizo is sitting across from me. He stands slightly and reaches across the table and shakes my hand.
"This is Officer Venturelli," he says of the other man.
He follows suit and leans across the table, shaking my hand.
"I'm sure you know why you're here. It is our understanding that there was an incident involving Ms. Manoban that occurred off of school grounds," he says, pausing in case I need to object. I don't.
"We would appreciate it if you could tell us your version of events."
I glance toward Lisa and she gives me an ever so slight nod, letting me know she wants me to tell the truth. So I do. For fifteen minutes I explain in honest detail everything that happened last night. Everything except for Lisa's poem.
When I'm finished with the details and the questions have all been asked, I'm released to return to class. As I get up to leave, Mr. Chorizo calls after me.
"Ms. Kim?"
I turn and look at him.
"I just want to say I'm sorry. I apologize for my son's behavior."
"Thank you," I say. I turn and make my way back to the classroom.
A substitute is filling in for Lisa. She's an older lady who I've seen in the halls before, so she must also be a teacher here. I quietly take my seat. I can't think about anything other than Lisa, and if I'm about to be the reason she loses her job.
When the bell rings, the class begins to file out and I turn to Eddie.
"What happened?" she says.
I tell her what happened, and that I still don't know anything. I linger outside the classroom door for a while, waiting for Lisa to return but she never does. During fourth period, I realize I'm not in the state of mind to learn anything, so I give myself the rest of the day off.
When I turn onto our street, Lisa's car is in her driveway. I pull my jeep up to the curb and don't even bother pulling into the driveway. I throw it in park and quickly run across the street. As soon as I'm about to knock on the door, it swings open and Lisa is standing there with her satchel slung across her shoulder and her jacket on.
"What are you doing here?" she says with a surprised look on her face.
"I saw your car," I say. "What happened?"
She doesn't invite me in. Instead, she walks outside and locks the door behind her.
"I resigned. They withdrew my contract," she says as she walks toward her car.
"But you only have eight weeks left of student teaching. It wasn't your fault, Lisa. They can't do that!"
She shakes her head. "No, it's not like that. I wasn't fired. We just all thought it was best if I finished my student teaching at a different school, away from Javier. I've got a meeting with my faculty advisor in half an hour, that's where I'm headed."
She opens her door and removes her jacket and satchel, throwing them into the passenger seat.
"But what about your job?" I ask as I hold onto the door, not wanting her to shut it. I have so many questions. "So you're saying you don't have an income now? What are you going to do?"
She smiles at me and emerges back out of the car as she places her hands on my shoulders.
"Jennie, calm down. I'll figure it out. But right now, I've got to go." She gets back inside, shuts her door, and rolls down her window.
"If I'm not home in time, can Leo stay with you guys after school?"
"Sure," I say.
"We're leaving pretty early to go to my grandparents tomorrow, can you make sure he doesn't eat any sugar? He needs to get to bed early," she says as she slowly backs out of the driveway.
"Sure," I say.
"And Jennie? Calm down."
"Sure," I say again.
And she's gone. Just like that.