As she collapsed onto her bed, Brenda Barrett contemplated whether she could be a more ineffective nanny. So often she felt like it might be more accurate to say the Quartermaines paid her to let them try to take care of her rather than paying her to truly take care of their children. When she had returned home from lunch with AJ, Lila had quickly reminded her that Katelyn's piano instructor would be arriving soon and why didn't she take some time for herself and rest.

Lila's intentions were good. Unfortunately, Brenda had learned the hard way that time for herself often turned into time alone with her thoughts. Too often those thoughts turned unpleasant. Perhaps that was reasonable because it was hard to think of an event that truly had a happy ending.

May 31, 1996

Brenda Barrett walked into Luke's carrying a wrapped gift. She caught Lois and Ned's nervous glances as she walked towards them. She was sure they were concerned because Sonny was there, with his wife Lily who he wouldn't be divorcing after all since she was pregnant with his child. Lois had probably anticipated that they would be and it was why she had wanted to go to the Outback instead.

Robin hadn't wanted to go to the Outback though because her Uncle Mac was being overly controlling again since she had started dating Jason Morgan and as she had pointed out if she had wanted to spend time with Uncle Mac, which at the moment she didn't, she could just stay home. So, Luke's it was. It had been supposed to be a Girls Night Out, but Robin had insisted on bringing Jason so then Ned had included himself as well. Brenda, who's life and turned upside down twice in forty-eight hours, had decided the worst thing she could do was bring a date. Lois had offered to invite her friend Jax but she had politely declined.

Brenda was supposed to meet Keesha later anyway so that Keesha could drop off a birthday present in person before leaving in the morning to drive to Philadelphia to visit her maternal grandmother. When it had been originally a Girls Night Out event, Brenda was going to invite Keesha and decree that they could all celebrate her birthday a day early. But once Robin announced she was bringing Jason; Brenda was glad she hadn't made the phone call. It wasn't that she thought Robin was wrong for dating Jason, because she didn't really think she was in any position to judge, but she knew it was still hard for Keesha to see him because he looked just like the man she loved, but he had no memories of ever being that person after the accident that had killed his parents had left him with traumatic brain injury.

"Who is the early birthday present from?" Lois asked as Brenda sat down.

"I guess it is technically a very early birthday present. It's for the baby," Brenda said. She laid the gift on the table and picked up the glass in front of her. "Is this for me?"

"It's sprite, it can be for you. I didn't touch it yet," Ned said.

"What are you up to, Bren?" Lois asked.

"Nothing, I was at the mall anyway. I didn't realize they made CDs with lullabies it looked really cute."

"So, you're saying you're ok with all of this?"

"Not really, but if anyone can understand what it's like to be caught in the middle of parental drama it's me. I mean my stepmother kicked me out of the house at sixteen. Lily's baby deserves to grow up in peace with both parents. So, yes, Ned, be mad because I do still love Sonny, and maybe I always will, but I respected the sanctity of his marriage vows until he thought he was ready to end them and now that he's decided to stay with Lily for their child I can respect that. I'm not volunteering to be a godmother; I'm just giving the kid a gift."

"Well I think that's very mature. Don't you think that's very mature, Lois?" Ned asked.

Lois looked at her like she didn't really believe her and Brenda took a sip of her soda hoping that Lois was wrong. She could do this she could watch Sonny raise children with someone else. She had watched him marry Lily, albeit holding Miguel's hand as part of their pact to not speak their minds and object to the ceremony.

"Yeah, that's great Brenda," Lois said after significant hesitation.

"Actually, I'm going to go give this to Lily before Robin gets here," Brenda said hopping up from the table before Ned or Lois could object.

As she started across the room towards the table Sonny and Lily were sitting at with his father, and Luke and Laura Spencer she took a deep breath steeling herself for the moment. "Congratulations," she said to Lily with forced cheeriness. "This is for you, well actually for the baby but I think you will have to open it," she continued extending the gift.

Lily looked shocked, and perhaps even a little scared.

"Really it's safe," Brenda said pretending to laugh.

"Thank you, that's really sweet. It's the baby's first gift, in fact. I think maybe that means we're supposed to bronze it or something."

"I think that is their first shoes," Brenda said.

"Yeah, you're probably right, I am a little new at this. Michael, do you want to open this?"

Brenda caught Sonny's eyes for the first time. "Why don't you open it together?" she suggested.

"That is a good idea, wait let me get out my camera. You should have a picture for the baby book of this," Laura exclaimed rummaging through her purse.

"You keep a camera in your purse?" Sonny asked.

"Of course, you never know when your kids are going to do something cute, you have to be prepared. Trust me Sonny Lily will be keeping a camera in her purse to take pictures of your little one. Ok I'm all ready now."

Sonny and Lily opened the gift as Laura clicked away. "Oh, they are little lullabye CDs. I got these for one of the teachers at my school for her daughter. Thank you, Brenda," Lily said with a genuine smile.

"I was at the mall and I saw them and I thought of you. They say babies can hear in the womb so you could even play them now."

"You're right," Lily said standing up to hug her.

It felt a little awkward but Brenda hugged back.

Brenda wanted to believe it could have been a start to something, exactly what, she had no clue. She and Lily had, at least loosely, been friends when Lily had been engaged to Miguel. In fact, a year earlier she and Sonny had shared a table at the Nurse's Ball with them, Lois and Ned, and Stone and Robin. A lot had changed since then but before Lily had died Brenda had wanted to believe that somehow it might still all work out. But Lily had died, in a trap her father had set to kill Sonny.

May 31, 1996

As she walked down Wharf Street to Luke's, Brenda Barrett heart pounded. It probably hadn't been the best plan to walk from Luke's to Kelly's Diner to meet Keesha. She hadn't really thought about how dark it would be by the time she had to walk back to retrieve her car, or how few street lights there were. Her sister would suggest she didn't think, period! Somehow Julia Barrett never made stupid choices. It must be nice.

In spite of her uneasiness, she managed to reach the club alive and unharmed. Sonny,

Luke, and Mike were outside watching Lily walk fifty yards to retrieve Sonny's jaguar from his reserved space. Apparently, Sonny had gotten a little intoxicated on the round of champagne he had bought for the entire club to celebrate his unborn child. He seemed happy though and Brenda wanted that for him, for them. So, she took a deep breath and chatted with Max Giambetti while some new employee retrieved her car.

Their easy banter was interrupted by a loud boom and Max swiftly moved her back towards the club, helped her down low to the ground and shielded her with his body. When she finally caught her breath and peered around Max, she saw Sonny's car engulfed in flames. Her emotions took over and she screamed.

Max turned to face her and helped her back to her feet. "Are you hurt, Brenda?" he asked.

Brenda didn't speak. She couldn't. She collapsed forward into his arms and sobbed. She felt Max wrap his arms around her. He was speaking but she couldn't really process what he was saying. She was so cold. She heard Sonny's guttural scream echoing through the darkness. Part of her was drawn to it, to him but her feet wouldn't move and everything seemed to fade away into nothingness.

Brenda had later been told that Max had carried her back into Luke's club. She had no recollection of any of that or much recollection of the events between then and when Ned had driven her back to the Quartermaine Mansion.

May 31, 1996

Brenda struggled to take a deep breath as Ned drove through the front gates of the Quartermaine Estate. She couldn't believe that Lily was dead. "It wasn't supposed to end this way," she finally murmured as Ned pulled up in front of the mansion and shifted into park.

"I know. Unfortunately, the violence of Sonny's world doesn't always discriminate well. That is why I have always had concern with Lois, you, and now Jason, being right in the middle of it all. But I don't mean to get into that now. Are you going to be ok at least for tonight?" Ned asked.

Brenda internally debated between the honest answer and the one that would allow Ned to leave and relieve the baby sitter so Emily got home before her ten o'clock weekend curfew. She decided upon the latter. "Yeah, I'm just going to go to bed. Tell Lois I will call her in the morning."

"I will," Ned said. He pulled her into a sideways hug, and then patted her shoulder for a minute. "Call my cell phone if you need anything later tonight," he added.

Brenda nodded and then silently got out of the car.

When Brenda opened the front door a few moments later the front foyer was empty and no one seemed to be in the living room. Perhaps the coast truly was clear. She hesitated in the foyer for a minute and then made her way down the East Hallway to the kitchen. The kitchen was also empty but through the French doors she could that the outside lights were on for the East Patio that led to the pool. It looked like AJ was out by the pool with Ashley Barrington.

Brenda shook her head at that image. Perhaps Ashley's return from Fairleigh Dickinson had led to AJ's recent break up with Nikki Langton. She supposed that would fit, although it kind of stunk for AJ. Not that dating Nikki Langton had exactly done him any favors either though she supposed. Whatever, she thought, it really wasn't any of her business.

Brenda was about to go up the kitchen stairs when Dr. Monica Quartermaine came into the kitchen from the solarium.

"Oh hi, Brenda, I heard someone come in and hoped maybe Emily was back," Monica said.

"No, but Ned just dropped me off so she will probably be calling you in a minute for a ride."

"Usually Ned or Lois drop them back home or they walk but I wouldn't want her walking after nine even in a safe neighborhood like this."

"Lois went to Sonny's so Ned will probably need you to pick her up."

"Is everything ok?"

"You know I think I'll let Ned explain that. I'm sorry, I'm really tired," Brenda said and then she turned and started up the stairs before Monica could say anything else.

Brenda knew her response was a little rude but she just couldn't get into it all. In her room she collapsed onto her bed and started to cry. She couldn't really explain the tears; it seemed hypocritical for her to shed them for Lily because they really hadn't been friends. But still, Lily was a person and a few hours ago she was going to be a mother.

Apparently, Ned had explained because in the morning Monica had apologized for not realizing what an ordeal Brenda had been through. She had also explained that neither she nor Alan were on call for the rest of the weekend so she could feel free to take the whole weekend for herself if she wanted. It had been a nice gesture and Brenda had spent most of the weekend locked in her room. It hadn't really helped.

Knocking pulled Brenda from her thoughts. "You can come in," she called as she presumed that Katelyn's piano lesson had ended early. However, when her bedroom door opened AJ, not his three-year-old little sister, was standing in her doorway.

"Oh, hi," Brenda said.

"I just wanted to see how you were feeling. I can plan on picking up Kirk and Serena from school at 2:30 if you need," AJ offered as he stepped inside and sat down in the armchair in her room.

Brenda pulled her knees up and tucked them under her chin. "I'm fine. I just haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately," she said. She hoped AJ would presume that was because she had been studying over time for her statistics exam. She had been, but even if she hadn't, she likely wouldn't have been sleeping well. Then there was the issue that even if she did fall asleep; too often her dreams were invaded with traumatic scenes, like the night Lily had died.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you don't look fine. I know you were traumatized after Lily's death. It would be very understandable if Jason's limo explosion brought back some of those same fears," AJ said.

"It didn't," Brenda said flatly. It was a bold lie and she wondered if AJ would see through it. She wondered if she really wanted him to.

"Ok. I'm not going to tell you how you should feel. Just promise me that you remember I am always going to be your friend, and there isn't anything you can't ask. I want to help."

AJ's words sounded nice and AJ was genuine enough that she believed he really meant them. He just didn't realize exactly what he was offering. Her life was a mess but what AJ was imagining was merely the tip of the iceberg and Brenda was afraid that if she let her defenses down even a little, she really would break. "Thanks," she finally managed to mumble and then buried her face in her knees.

"Why don't you let me pick up Kirk and Serena? I'll even take Katelyn with me because they all have soccer this afternoon. I can just take all three of them over to the fields at Community Commons and meet dad."

"You don't have to do that, AJ."

"I know, but I want to. Mom is on call tonight so she will likely be at the hospital late."

"Yes, she already briefed me that there is lentil soup in the crock pot. Emily will make a green salad after cross country practice and your grandfather will grumble. I can hardly wait."

"Well, gee, when you put it that way, I can't either," AJ said.