When they returned from the hospital the next afternoon, the weather was perfect, so Linka suggested they spend the afternoon on the lake. She wanted to do some bird watching and since Wheeler was not inclined to let her go alone, he joined her on the boat and brought his camera, as instructed. She took the opportunity to question him about his state of mind after his seemingly sudden change in mood last night.
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah. How are you feeling?"
"I am fine, but…" she pauses, unsure of how to continue with what she really wanted to say.
"But what? What's wrong?" He asks worriedly.
"Perhaps I should have asked a different question?"
"Go ahead."
"Are WE ok?"
"Sure. Why wouldn't we be? Everything is going just as you'd hoped."
"Da…but what about you? Are you regretting your decision to be the donor? If something has changed…if you have changed your mind about how involved you want to be in the child's life…what your role is…I will do whatever you wish. Whatever you are comfortable with."
"No, my feelings haven't changed. I want to be part of its life."
"Ok…it is just…you did not seem happy last night when I told you that I wanted that too."
"When did you say that?"
"Well, I did not exactly put it like that, but when you asked where you stood, I said I did not want things to change between us. I thought we were in a good place and if this works, we can build on that. See where this goes."
"When the hell did you say THAT?!" He asks, completely confused as to when this conversation happened. "Was I asleep?"
"I just told you…when I said I did not want things to change."
"As in, you wanted to just be friends?"
"Nyet, that is not what I meant! We have gotten closer these last few months, and I do not want to go back to what we had before that. The jealousy. The uncertainty."
"Shit. I completely misunderstood."
"That explains why your mood changed when you left to get dinner," she says.
"I thought we were going back to the friend zone."
"And I thought you were worried about being stuck in this situation of being saddled with a family. But you thought that I got what I wanted from you, and now that I had it, I was done?" She asks with a raised eyebrow.
"Not exactly how I'd put it…but kinda ironic. Isn't that what you always thought about me? That I was only after one thing? We haven't even had sex and now you're possibly pregnant with my kid…I'm not running. What more proof do you need?"
"None."
"Good, because I'm ready to be the best dad ever. All those other dads with the '#1 Dad' coffee mug can just go ahead and smash them now because that's gonna be my official title," he says, proudly.
She smiles at him. Hearing him say that fills her heart and eases any worries she had about his feelings on being involved, but it also adds to her concerns about how she's going to have a difficult decision to make if it doesn't work. He can't deny what he just told her…he's ready to be the best dad. She hopes she's the one who is able to give him that opportunity.
Something catches her attention in the tree line on the edge of the lake.
"You may have some competition," she says as she points.
"Whoa! Is that a Bald Eagle?"
"Da, it looks like he is bringing home dinner."
"Oh yeah, I see another one in the nest now. Do you think she's sitting on the eggs?" He asks, readying his camera.
"We will know soon. She is either sitting on eggs, or eaglets. When the adults start eating, we can tell if they are feeding the babies."
"Wow…so cool…I guess I'll share my #1 Dad title with him. Keeping the family fed."
"He is not just a provider. He takes his turn sitting on the eggs and staying in the nest with the eaglets once they hatch so that the mom can go hunting as well."
"That's how a family should work."
"Da. Can I see your camera?"
She zooms in and then hands it back to him.
"Their heads are completely white, so they are at least five years old. This may not be their first time as a family. They have a routine by now."
"What do you mean their heads are completely white? Why wouldn't they be? That's kinda their trademark."
"When they are babies and juveniles, they are brown, with just a few spots of white throughout their feathers. Their white heads and tails come later, when they are considered 'sub-adults,' but they still have brown feathers mixed in with the white. Around year five is when they are completely white."
"Cool. I feel like I should know more about my national bird. They're beautiful. And much bigger than I imagined."
"I will teach you anything you would like to know about them."
"Will they stay there, or do they move…uh, migrate?"
"That will always be their nest unless something happens…if the tree falls or God forbid, is cut."
"My uncle would never do that. Especially if there's a nest in it, and that's pretty hard to miss."
"Sometimes the nests get so big, they get to be too much weight for the tree."
"Damn."
"They are constantly fixing it up, bringing sticks and leaves or grasses, especially when preparing for a new year of babies."
"So if we keep coming back here, we can keep an eye on the family?"
"Da, until the eaglets fledge. Once they learn to fly, they then learn to fish and hunt, and once they're able to do that, they leave."
Wheeler looks around and doesn't see any other eagle's nests.
"This must be their first batch. I don't see any other nests around."
"You would not. Perhaps if the lake were bigger, but this area belongs to those eagles. They would not take kindly to competition."
"Even their children?"
"They may tolerate them visiting if they end up nesting at another location not far from here, but they typically chase away any competition. When I was walking the trail a few days ago, I saw a rookery of Great Blue Heron along the creek and some Osprey. I bet things get pretty interesting if either of them makes their way to the lake to fish. The eagles will get quite vocal about it," she explains.
"You'll have to tell me where you saw those other nests. I can take some photos."
"I'll show you later."
"Uh, is that a good idea? You should be taking it easy."
"Oh Yankee. I am walking on a trail, not climbing a mountain."
"Yeah, but you could trip. Or what if there's some kinda wildlife that comes at you? Like a bear or a mountain lion?"
"Then you should not go alone, so either I go with you, or you miss out on seeing the nesting sites," she says stubbornly.
"Fine. But I'll be keeping an eye on you," he relents.
"I would expect nothing less."
"Look! It looks like they are feeding babies. I wish we could see them."
"In a few weeks, they will be big enough that we should be able to see them looking out over the edge of the nest. Then they will start 'branching' and exploring the area around the nest by jumping from branch to branch. Soon after that, they will take their first flight."
"Cool," he says as he snaps some photos.
When Wheeler said he'd keep an eye on her as they walked the trail, what he really meant was he'd keep an arm around her. She didn't mind though. When they arrived at the area she had told him about, he got some good shots of the Great Blue Herons in flight and catching fish. He was especially impressed by the Ospreys and the way they hovered before diving to get their fish.
"That's so cool. I get why you like watching birds, Babe. It's relaxing and entertaining."
"Some people prefer watching TV and movies, but I get more enjoyment out of this."
"Well, I'm sure you enjoy your time alone, but if you ever want any company, I'd love to join you. You can teach me some more, if you don't mind."
"I would enjoy the company…and sharing my knowledge. I have never had someone to join in my hobby with me, except Grandma."
"We could make it a family activity. Coming out here to check up on the eagles…going to other places in the world and looking for rare birds."
"That sounds nice."
It sounds perfect.
As the rest of the week went by, the tension from earlier in the week after the procedure eased up, just like it always does when they have a misunderstanding.
Wheeler was still fast asleep when she saw that she had a missed call from the clinic. The voicemail said that they had a cancelation, and they could fit her in if she could be there by 9:30. Not taking the opening would mean she would have to wait another three days until her scheduled appointment to find out if the in vitro worked. Should she wake Wheeler and rush to the hospital with him? By the time he got up and got moving, they'd never make it to the 9:30 appointment. She knew he'd want to hear the news too and share in her happiness. She also knew she'd need him if it was bad news, but she couldn't think like that. She needed to believe that she would get good news. Then she could come back to the cabin to tell him, and they could celebrate. That's the scenario she was planning for…coming home to celebrate with him. She'd pick up something from the hospital gift shop. Balloons or stuffed animals, walk through the door with them, and wait for it to sink it. She smiles as she pictures his reaction. She leaves him a note that simply states,
Be back soon.
L
She sets the note on the nightstand between their beds so that he would see it.
Later, Wheeler woke up and rolled over to look at the clock. That's when he saw Linka's note. He wondered when she wrote it.
Wheeler got up to use the restroom, brush his teeth, and get cleaned up. Even after his shower, he was still feeling tired, so he laid back down on the couch. It wasn't long after that that Wheeler heard the cabin door opening. He sits up and asks,
"Hey, where've you been?"
He could tell that she'd been crying.
"What's wrong? Are you ok? Was there a problem? Why didn't you wake me?"
He gets up off the couch and walks towards her.
"The doctor called and left a message…there was a cancellation and I had to be there in less than an hour. There was not time to wake you to get ready. I am sorry. I should have. I…I needed you there," she says as her voice cracks.
"It didn't work, did it?"
She looks down and shakes her head, confirming his worst fears.
"Nyet," she sobs.
"Aww, Babe," he says as he wraps his arms around her, kissing the top of her head.
Her only answer to is to return his embrace and bury her face in his shoulder.
"Why didn't you wake me? I would have been there for you. You know I can get ready in like a minute."
She knows that. She wanted to tell him that she was going to but was trying to be positive and had hoped to wake him with good news. Instead, she tries to distance herself from him, emotionally as well as physically as she steps out of his arms.
"This is my problem Wheeler, you have been very kind to try and help me, but I have put you through enough. I will not continue with this anymore. I release you from any promises you made or obligations you may have felt. I want you to know how much I appreciate you being there for me through all this though."
"And I'm gonna keep being there…"
"Nyet, Wheeler. You do not have to."
"I WANT to. You need me now more than ever. You shouldn't be alone right now."
"Why not?! I might as well get used to it. I am going to be alone forever."
"Umm, no you're not. You'll always have me."
"I cannot do that to you. You deserve to be with someone who is whole…who can give you a family so you can be '#1 Dad,' and have a normal life."
"Babe, I've been running around with a ring that shoots fire and summoning a superhero since I was 16…there's no way in hell I'm EVER going to have a normal life…and who says that I want 'normal' anyway? Not everyone wants that. I grew up thinking I was going to be a terrible father because that's all I ever knew. I made up my mind that I wasn't going to have kids…then I met you and suddenly…all those bad thoughts went away, and I started thinking 'what if…' I went from not wanting a family to imagining what a family would be like with you…and I wanted that. You made me want that."
"And now, I cannot give you that, so I will not stand in your way. Forget about me. Find someone who can give you the family that you want."
He pulls her into his arms once again.
"Don't you get it? You are the family that I want. I wanted a family with you because that's what I thought you would have wanted if we ever got together…but so what? I never thought I'd be a dad, but from the moment I saw you, all I ever wanted was to be your boyfriend…and the older we got, the stronger my feelings got. It wasn't just a crush. I think…no, I KNOW I'm in love with you. I want to be with you for as long as you'll have me…and so what if we can't have kids of our own? There are plenty of ways to be parents. We can foster…we can adopt. We can get a puppy because they don't require diapers or college tuition…"
That last bit makes her chuckle as she wipes her eyes.
He pulls back to look her in the eyes and takes her face between his hands.
"Having a child with you would have given me one more thing to love about you, but not having one with you won't make me love you any less. So…don't push me away. Don't think that you are doing me any favors by keeping your distance. It's one thing if you don't have feelings for me…then I guess I could accept that we'll never be together. But I don't think that's the case. Pushing me away accomplishes nothing. It just causes both of us to end up alone because I WILL NOT ever move on with someone else. You're it for me. So, tell me…do you think you will ever feel the same?"
"I do…I have. For a long time."
He releases the breath that he's been holding and smiles at her.
"I'm gonna kiss you now," he warns her as he slowly descends upon her.
"Ok," she agrees and letting out a nervous laugh at the unorthodox conversation leading up to their kiss.
Any awkwardness quickly melts away. Wheeler drops his hands from her face to allow them to trail down her sides and around to her back. Her hands begin to explore as well, eventually coming to rest behind his neck.
It's nothing overly passionate. No loss of control as the years of sexual tension are released in one kiss. She's tense, unsure of herself and how she's supposed to proceed. He can taste her tears as they continue to fall along the side of her nose and to her lips. He wants to continue to comfort her and offer her words of encouragement, to reaffirm his intentions to be with her in the future so he pulls back slightly to speak.
"And there are advancements in medicine every day. Maybe in a few years, when we're settled and more prepared for adulthood, we can try again?"
She pulls away, taking a step back.
"Nyet, I am done. No more strangers prodding at me. No more cold equipment and feeling like I am being violated by uncaring hands. That is not how a baby is supposed to be conceived. That is not what I wanted when all of this started. That is not how it is supposed to feel," she breaks down and sobs.
"Ok, sssh, it's ok," Wheeler says as he draws her into his arms.
He kisses the top of her head and rubs the back of her neck as she buries her face in his chest. He brings his hand forward to cup her cheek to get her to look up at him. Her eyes remain lowered, unwilling to let him see the hurt in them, despite her claims of being 'done' she is still not ready to admit that she's given up. Wheeler tilts her face towards him and lowers his lips to hers once again in a tender kiss. He is slow and careful in his actions, not wanting to scare her or push her into more than she's willing to give or make her think that he is disregarding her feelings in order to satisfy his own.
Finally, she responds and purses her lips against his. His other hand moves from around her back to her hip and slowly trails a path up and down her side. The hand on her cheek urges her to tilt her head back and when the hand that is moving up and down her side boldly moves under her shirt and grazes her breast, she gasps, which allows Wheeler to deepen their kiss. She offers no resistance and begins to follow his lead when his tongue traces her lip and seeks more.
The hand on her cheek wipes away her tears with his thumb before slowly moving down to glide along her neck and continue downwards, tracing her curves. That hand then slips under her shirt to join his other one in exploring the soft skin of her back, sides, and stomach until both are cupping her breasts and massaging her through the satin of her bra.
He breaks away from her lips briefly and whispers, "like this. It's supposed to feel like this."
He pulls her shirt up over her head and picks her up so that her legs are wrapped around his waist. With one hand underneath her for support, the other hand works on disengaging her bra. Once he has succeeded at that, he tosses it aside and brings his mouth to her breasts, giving each equal attention and taking the fact that her hands have entwined in his hair as encouragement that she doesn't want him to leave her.
His lips brush against the amber feathers of Freyja's cloak where the pendant rests against her throat.
Damn you for not working.
He carries her over to his bed and lays her down, quickly pulling his shirt off and unfastening his belt so that his jeans drop to the floor, leaving him in just his boxers. Being away from her was torture, even if it was just for a few moments. He is immediately on top of her, his lips finding hers once again as he remains nestled between her legs, rocking forward to drive her into the mattress. He then moves to kiss her neck, giving her an entirely new sensation that she has yet to experience. It tickles, but not unpleasantly. The tingling she had initially felt on the skin of her neck has traveled so that her whole body is experiencing it. How is it possible that parts of her that he is not even touching can feel him? She wants to do more. To make him feel the way that she is feeling, but she had no idea how or where to start.
He is making things more difficult by moving down her body, away from her touch. All she can do is stroke his cheek as his kisses have gone from her neck, to her chest, and down the center of her abdomen before stopping at her navel. His hands have been running up and down her body and now that his lips have seemed to encounter a barrier at her shorts, his hands have come down to unfasten her button and zipper, allowing his mouth to travel further. When he can go no further, he tugs on her shorts, getting her to lift her hips as he pulls them off her legs.
He places a kiss on the inside of her knee, then moves further up her thigh before repeating his actions on the other side.
"Jason..." she says breathlessly.
"I can't stand thinking that any other man has had his hands on you. Even if it was a doctor," his voice taking on a low timbre and tracing her through her panties.
She thinks about how they would tell her to relax. Relax? She couldn't do it. Not until she closed her eyes and pretended the cold latex covered hands were someone else. Wheeler.
"It was not exactly pleasant for me either," she says.
"Is this?" He asks, already knowing the answer when he increases the pressure of his strokes.
"Mmm hmm."
Her eyes close and she reaches for his free hand, which is resting on her hip, and laces their fingers together.
He presses his lips against her, peppering soft kisses over her.
Her stomach is doing flips in anticipation of what he will do next. The light kisses become more firm. Soon he is pulling the garment off her hips and down her legs so that nothing stands between her flesh and his mouth.
"Wheeler..." She whimpers. "Bozhe moy!" She hisses as one finger enters her, then another. Before she even realizes what is about to happen, she is hit hard by an orgasm, the first she has ever experienced with another person; with the real Wheeler, the man who has been the subject of her fantasies for years.
His mouth leaves her to kiss his way up her body, replaced by his hand try to prolong her orgasm. She opens her eyes when his mouth leaves her and now, she watches him as he glides his tongue up her torso, between her breasts, and up her neck before nibbling on the sensitive spot below her ear.
"You taste so good," he murmurs.
She doesn't know what he means. The salt on her skin from the sheen of sweat, or the essence he has just milked from her? His mouth moves along her jaw and he kisses her. Something is different than before when they kissed and she realizes that she is tasting herself on his lips. Something that would have repulsed her days ago, now serves as even more of a turn on. He did this to her. She laces her fingers through the back of his hair and encourages him to deepen their kiss. Her other hand is still linked with his unoccupied hand, which he has now pinned above her head.
His fingers withdraw from her and she's immediately disappointed.
"You need to tell me to stop now," he pants, their kiss leaving him breathless.
"What?!" She's shocked because "stopping" was not what she was mentally preparing herself to happen next. "Why? Is something wrong? Did I do something wrong?"
He kisses the tip of her nose.
"No Babe, the opposite. It's so good. So right. If we aren't gonna go through with this, you gotta tell me now because stopping once we get further will kill me."
She pulls him down towards her so that her lips are resting against his ear.
"I need this...more than I ever knew," she whispers as her free hand tugs at his boxers.
That's all he needed to hear. He helps her push the cotton garment the rest of the way down and discards them. His lips claim her neck while his hand slides underneath her to angle her hips just right as he positions himself and slides into her. He is as gentle as possible as he goes in slowly, a little bit at a time to give her time to adjust. Finally, he is fully sheathed within her and stays there as he stops kissing her neck and pulls back slightly to look at her.
Her eyes are closed, and her head is turned to the side, which was allowing him better access to kiss her neck, but now that he has stopped, he was hoping she would look at him. Their hands are still entwined above her head and when he gives a squeeze, she opens her eyes and slowly turns her head to face him.
He can see that she's uncomfortable by the way that she's chewing on her lower lip. If she's hurting though, she isn't showing it. He supports his weight on his elbow as he looks down upon her, his free hand brushing her hair back and stroking her cheek, offering as much comfort as he can through touch because he's not sure he can find the right words. He pulls out of her slightly and the look on her face shows fear. Fear that he is going to leave her. He dispels that fear when he rocks back into her, causing her to hum in agreement to this new sensation. He does it again, but this time, pulls out a little further and repeats. Now that she has gotten used to his actions, her facial expression is more relaxed. He bends to allow his lips to once again begin exploring her skin, trailing kisses down to her breasts and covering her with his mouth.
Once he has paid equal attention to both, he makes his way back up to her neck and takes her earlobe between his teeth.
"You ok?"
"Da," she sighs.
He brings his lips to hers. She jerks her hips forward and begins rocking against him, countering his moves.
"More?" He asks.
"More," she whispers her plea.
His slow and methodical stokes in and out of her begin to increase in speed.
His face is buried in her neck. He groans against her skin as he nears release. Not knowing what else to do, Linka turns her head to kiss his neck as she had loved the way it made her feel when he had done it to her.
"Oh God...yes," he hisses.
He is still mindful of her and doesn't want to be selfish, but he is not sure how much longer he can hold back. He lifts his head to look at her, hating that in doing so, he has put an end to the wonderful things she was doing to his neck.
He places a chaste kiss on her lips before reaching between them to stimulate her and bring her over the edge with him. When she gasps suddenly and cries out as she begins climbing towards another orgasm, he locks eyes with her right as he thrusts into her, and she begins spasming around him. The sensation of her inner muscles pulsating around him is his breaking point and as he comes, he kisses her tenderly, much like he did at the clinic when the doctor was implanting the embryos. Just like a few days ago, this kiss is more for comfort than passion. She returns his kiss and whimpers against his lips as he slowly begins to move within her as the last waves of their orgasm subside.
Once they have both come down from their mutual high, he slips out of her and arranges them in the bed so that he is no longer laying fully on top of her. Now he is curled up behind her with his leg draped over hers and his arm wrapped around her, still holding her hand as he had throughout their lovemaking. He looks at the diamond on her finger and smiles. They didn't get the news that they wanted today, but they'll be ok. He's wrapped around his future wife, and he plans to make that official. Not now. Not today. Today, they'll grieve. They'll spend some more time alone at the cabin until Linka is ready to decide what they want to do next. If she wants to continue with the Planeteers, he'll be right there with her. If she's ready to move on, he'll follow her anywhere. That's another conversation for later. Now, he wants to make one thing clear:
"I know you've probably got a lot on your mind right now, but I just want you to know I wasn't trying to take advantage of the situation."
"I know."
"Good. Because I don't want you to have any regrets, like we did something wrong...or think badly of me."
"I can promise you that nothing about that felt wrong, and I will definitely not think of anything bad when it comes to you," she says, bringing their entwined fingers to her lips and kissing his hand.
He smiles, his pride boosted.
She stares at the rings on her fingers…the diamond and the serpent eating its tail. Sweden seems so long ago. The man they purchased those rings from said they could be used as wedding bands. Despite the two different styles, she pictures that ring stacked with Wheeler's grandmother's ring. It's the most perfect match she's ever seen. She allows herself a moment of happiness as a tear slips out of the corner of her eye.
"I am tired...is that normal?" She asks.
"I think so. A lot of energy was exerted."
"You did all the work."
He places a kiss on her shoulder.
"I wouldn't call that work. Never really liked work. I liked that though."
She rolls over so that she's facing him and looks him in the eyes as she says,
"Me too."
He tucks her head under his chin and says,
"Sleep."
She closes her eyes and sleep comes quickly.
To Be Continued…Sorry for the sad news, but I hope I made up for it. ;)