"Every gambler knows,"
"That the secret to surviving,"
"Is knowing what to throw,"
"Knowing what to keep."
"'Cause every hands a winner,"
"And every hand's a loser,"
"And the best that you can hope for,"
"Is to die in your sleep."
The Gambler - Kenny Rogers
The chilly evening air wrapped around Severus Snape's thin frame like a cloak as he continued to linger outside the Gryffindor common room, his heart heavy with anticipation and dread. It had been a week - a long, agonising week - since Black and Potter, with their mates, had strung him up by his ankles, since the word he had never meant to say had slipped from his lips and shattered the fragile bond he had shared with his best friend, Lily Evans.
He had replayed the moment in his mind a thousand times - the sneers of James Potter and Sirius Black, the heckling of Peter Pettigrew as he cheered his mates on, the burning anger that had boiled inside him as Remus Lupin, as usual, did nothing to help or hinder. And then Lily - that word that had cut deeper than any curse he'd ever experienced at the hands of the high and mighty 'Marauders'.
Mudblood
The word had hung in the air like an Unforgivable, had immediately poisoned the air between Severus and Lily; poisoned everything he had held dear.
Of course he had tried to apologise, to make amends, but his words had fallen upon deaf ears, lost in the chasm of hurt and betrayal that had opened up between them. Lily, she had turned away from him any time they'd met in the corridors or caught each other's gaze's across the Great Hall, her green eyes filled with a pain he could scarcely bare to see.
But tonight was different - or so Severus did hope.
Tonight, he would make things right; prove to Lily as to just how much he'd never meant to let that word pass his lips, or die trying.
However, and as minutes stretched into hours whilst he waited, Severus found his nerves fraying with each passing moment. The Gryffindor common room continued to remain silent, its occupants hidden behind the enchanted walls that separated them from the rest of the world. And the students he did see either snickered or whispered between themselves as they past.
And then, like a flicker of light in the darkness that his world had become - Lily Evans, her fiery red hair illuminated by the soft glow of the torches lining the corridor, appeared. Severus' heart skipped a beat at the sight of her, his breath catching in his throat.
"Lily," he whispered, his voice barely a whisper carried away by the breeze.
The witch stopped in her tracks the moment she spotted him, her emerald eyes meeting obsidian-brown with a mixture of sadness and defiance. "Severus," she replied tightly, her voice tinged with a bitterness that the wizard couldn't bear to hear.
Severus took a step forwards, his hands trembling at his sides. "I... I wanted to apologise," he begun, the words catching in his throat. "I never meant to hurt you. I was angry, and I said things I didn't mean. Please, Lily, you have to believe me."
"Believe you," Lily scoffed, a bitter edge to her voice as her emerald eyes remained fixed on her former friend, her expression unreadable. "How can I believe someone who call me th-that word? Do you understand how much it means, how much it hurt?"
Each word that passed her lips were like a physical blow to Severus, his chest tightening with guilt and shame as he realised just how upset Lily was. He had betrayed her, wounded her in a way he could never hope to heal. And now, standing there before her and her righteous fury, he felt the full weight of his actions bearing down on him like a crushing weight.
"I-I was stupid," he admitted, voice barely above a whisper. "I was angry, and I lashed out. But you have to believe that I never meant to hurt you, Lily."
Much to Severus' horror, however, Lily's eyes softened, and a flicker of something akin to pity flashed across her features.
"Believe you?" she repeated, her own voice dropping to near-inaudible. "I did believe in you, Snape. I defended you, stood by you, even when everyone else turned their backs. And this is how you repay me? By calling me a Mudblood... by betraying everything we shared over your stupid rivalry with James and Sirius?"
Severus felt his resolve crumbling, his heart breaking beneath the weight of her words. He had lost her - lost the only person who had ever truly mattered to him - and there was nothing he could do to bring her back.
"I'm sorry," he told her, his voice choked with tears. "I'm so sorry, Lily. I never meant to hurt you. Please, give me another chance. I'll do anything to make things right, anything to earn your forgiveness."
The young wizard knew he was begging, yet he didn't care; a serious determination backing each and every word passing his lips. But Lily just shook her head, her eyes filled with a sadness that cut deeper than any curse Severus believed he'd ever received.
"It's too late, Severus," she replied, her voice still barely anything more than a whisper in the silence of the corridor. "I can't forgive you for what you've done. I can't forgive what you called me, the pain you caused. You made your choice, Severus, and now you have to live with it."
Severus wanted to rage, to yell that one slip of the tongue was nothing compared to the fact he'd been strung up by his ankles with his bits on display for the whole school to see, to tell Lily exactly what her precious Gryffindors had been about to do before she'd turned up. Though each argument died before they could find their voice, the young wizard instead watching in silence as Lily turned away, disappearing into the darkness like a wisp of smoke carried away by the wind. And as he stood alone in the empty corridor once more, he felt his heart shatter into a million pieces; knew that it would be a wound that could never be healed, that some mistakes could never be undone.
He had lost her - lost the one person who had ever truly mattered to him - and there was nothing Severus could do to bring Lily back.
As the train continued to hurtle through the Scottish Highlands, returning the Hogwarts students back to London and their awaiting family, its rhythmic chug filling the air with a steady hum, inside one of the dimly lit compartments, a young Severus Snape sat hunched over, lost in thought. His mind was a chaotic mess of emotions - self-loathing, anger, resentment, and a gnawing sense of betrayal.
How could he have been so foolish, so blind to the consequences of his actions?
Lily, the one person who had ever shown him an ounce of kindness, now kept her distance; green eyes, once filled with laughter and joy, brimming instead with hurt and disappointment - and it had been all Severus' fault.
But amid the turmoil of his thoughts, a voice - soft yet unmistakable - cut through the silence of the carriage and pulled the young wizard from the depths of his despair.
"Didn't your mother teach you if you keep scowling like that, the winds would change and it would stick?"
Severus' head jerked up, eyes widening unwillingly as they met the piercing stare of a man who had materialised before him - a figure cloaked in shadows, features obscured by darkness - and for a moment, the young wizard felt a surge of recognition, a flicker of familiarity that sent a shiver down his spine.
But it couldn't be... could it?
"Wh-who are you?" he asked, voice barely a whisper within the now-deathly silent carriage, his blood but a roar within his ears.
The figure stepped forward, the dim light casting eerie shadows across their pale features. "A friend, perhaps," was said, voice tinged with a hint of bitterness as they added, "Or perhaps, a warning."
Raven eyebrows crinkled in confusion.
A warning?
What could this stranger know of his troubles, his fears, his regrets?
Though, before he could utter a word, the stranger reached into the folds of their dark cloak, retrieving a crumpled piece of parchment - a photograph that was faded and worn with age. And as they handed the photo over, Severus felt his heart skip a beat as he gazed upon a girl with fiery red hair, her laughter frozen in time and emerald green eyes alight with joy.
Lily.
But as his eyes greedily took in the image of his former best friend, a sense of dread washed over the young wizard - a sinking realisation of what was to come.
There, in the background, someone he'd first missed, was another figure - a boy with messy black hair and a cocky grin - a boy who had tormented Severus since their first encounter on the Hogwarts Express.
James Potter.
Severus felt a surge of anger rise within him - a familiar rage that was born from years of resentment and rivalry. Potter - the very mention of the wizard's name igniting a firestorm of emotions, each more volatile than the last.
As he looked closer, however, he saw something else - something that sent his rage fleeing and a cold chill scorching its way down his spine. Lily, laughing and smiling, her hand intertwined with Potter's - a sight that completely shattered the fragile illusion of hope that he had been clinging to since Lily had walked away from him, from their friendship.
"She... she's with him," the young wizard muttered, his voice barely audible as his shoulders dropped, his heart sinking to his feet.
The shrouded figure nodded, their expression grave. "She chose him, just as she always would."
"Potter?" Severus hissed, a venomous edge to his voice as he tore his eyes away from the image of his former friend and most hated rival, meeting those familiar yet not black eyes of the wizard he dare not think to name.
Time travel, as far as the young wizard knew, was impossible; something reserved for the realm of fiction and myth. Yet, here before him stood a figure from the future, bearing witness to the very consequences of his own actions.
The aged features of his own façade never shifted, obsidian-black eyes holding their younger's with an eerie yet silent gaze that seemed to shimmer with the truth that had yet to sink into Severus' mind - had long refused to accept full-stop.
"Potter," was repeated, the word heavy with meaning yet beholding none of the resentment or anger that Severus had expected from his elder self - none of the emotion that he himself had just shared. "Your Lily Evans, as you call her, has chosen her path. And it has never been one that led to you."
Severus' grip on the photo tightened, crinkling the image of a happiness that would forever elude him as he snarled, "You're lying! She cares about me!"
His elder self could only sigh, a weariness that seemed to transcend time itself settling over his aged features as he took the seat across from his younger. "I thought much the same once," he revealed. "But reality has a way of tearing down illusions we build for ourselves. Lily," dark eyes flickered to the crinkled photo in Severus' hand before returning to meet his gaze, "She's made her choices, and it's about time you faced yours."
The compartment fell into a heavy silence, Severus trying to grapple with the harsh truths presented before him. The young wizard felt as though the ground had shifted beneath him even as the train continued its journey, hurtling toward a future he couldn't fathom - an uncertain destiny woven with choices that would shape the course of his life.
To think that Lily - the girl he had loved, the girl he had lost - was gone, lost to him forever in a world where he never felt as though he'd never truly belonged, was all but impossible for the young wizard. Though, and as he looked into the eyes of his elder self, he saw something he couldn't deny - an emptiness that mirrored its twin within his own soul.
Regret.
Regret for choices made and opportunities lost.
Regret for a future that had slipped through his fingers like grains of sand.
Regret for a life lived in the shadows, forever haunted by the spectre of what could have been.
And in that moment, Severus saw himself - not as he was, but who he could become - a man consumed by bitterness and regret, heart hardened by years of solitude and self-loathing.
But... did it have to be that way?
"What do you want from me?" he finally spat out, his voice a mixture of defiance and vulnerability, knowing that if he truly was in the presence of his elder self - his future self, there really wasn't anything he could hide; his fears, his regrets, his most deepest and darkest secrets already known to the man sitting across from him; imprinted within their memory, their soul.
"I just want you to see the bigger picture," his elder self replied and drew Severus from his thoughts. "I want you to understand the consequences of your choices. There's far more to life than that of Lily Evans and the petty rivalries of Hogwarts."
Leaning back in his chair, the wizard studied his younger self, dark eyes ever-observant as they took in every tick and twitch of discomfort Severus displayed. "We survive not one, but two wars," he revealed, a tick of his own turning the corner of his lip upwards as he watched the young wizard's eyes widen with surprised disbelief. Yet it was gone but a moment later, a familiar expression of neutrality overtaking aged features as he continued. "Two wars that took everything from us. Friends, love, a chance of true happiness. And all for what? To watch the world continue on without us. All our sacrifices, all our regrets, for a life where people would rather believe we'd never existed - that we'd never cared enough to even try and fix the wrongs of our past, to keep that bloody Boy-Who-Lived alive long enough just so he could go and throw himself at the feet of the Dark Lord..."
Severus listened intently, the defiance in his eyes gradually giving way to a flicker of uncertainty as the mask of the man before him cracked; emotions that ran so deep seeping through the crevices and filling the compartment with their overwhelming intensity, like tendrils of mist weaving through the air and casting shadows of doubt upon the young wizard's resolve. He hadn't lived the years that lay ahead, hadn't faced the battles and witnessed the sacrifices that awaited him - yet it was clear that his elder self had - that he one day would face each and every trial.
"You don't know what's coming," his elder continued, voice nothing but a haunting whisper. "Dark times lie ahead, and clinging to the past, to a lost cause, will only lead to more pain." And as the train neared its destination, the wizard reached into his cloak, retrieving a brand new copy of a potions textbook. He handed it to Severus, the gesture that both knew to be symbolic of the knowledge and skills that could shape a different future.
"Learn from your mistakes and don't lose this one," was urged, Severus blinking as he found a familiar expression of knowing scorn etched upon every feature of his elder self's face before he realised that yes, this person was most definitely him - an older version maybe - but most certainly one Severus Tobias Snape. And that he remembered exactly how Potter and his gang had gotten a hold of that spell that had him strung up by his ankles and led to him calling Lily that word.
"Don't let the shadows of your past define you. There's more to life then the echoes of what could have been," was added, almost as if the wizard had been reading Severus' mind. "You are your own person, Severus Snape; I being nothing more than a possibility in the infinite futures that lay before you. But I am still a possibility, still capable of being the man you are to fated to become," dark eyes dropped to the photo and book, a frown pulling at pale lips, "A man who could not even save his best friend from the clutches of death."
Severus sat in silence, the weight of his elder self's words hanging heavy in the air like a thick fog. The compartment seemed to shrink around him, the walls closing in as he grappled with the enormity of the revelations laid before him. He looked down to the brand new copy of the potions textbook, felt the weight of it in his hands, its pages pristine and untouched, all but a blank canvas waiting to be filled with knowledge and wisdom - a symbol of untold possibilities and potential futures.
Pale fingers traced the embossed letters on the cover, feeling the smooth surface beneath their touch, and the compartment, once filled with the haunting revelations of a future yet to pass, now hung instead heavy with the infinite choices that lay before a young wizard.
"You are you own person, Severus Snape," his elder's voice echoed in his mind, all but a lingering resonance of the choice that lay before him - the choice to break free from the shackles of his past, to forge his own destiny and carve out a future untainted by regret and despair.
But those very shadows loomed large, the echoes of his past casting doubt upon his resolve. Memories of Lily's laughter, of Potter and Black's taunts, of a friendship shattered by a single word spoken in anger - all threatened to consume him, to drag him back into that very darkness in which his future did wish to escape - that he wanted no part with any longer.
Severus looked up, meeting the obsidian orbs that were aged but so very familiar - a reflection of the man he one day would become. They bore into his own, a silent plea for understanding and acceptance, and as the train continued to rattle on, hurtling toward an uncertain future, Severus realised he was standing at the crossroads of his destiny - the chance to rewrite the narrative of his life having been handed to him, the ability to break free from the chains of his past and to forge a new path illuminated by choices he was yet to make having been gifted to him - and he could do nothing more than take a deep breath, the air filling his lungs with a renewed determination.
"Thank you," he whispered, gaze dropping to not only the book in his hands, but the photo that still did cause his heart to ache. "Thank you for showing me the way."
Severus missed the way his elder's head nodded once, penetrating orbs softening with a hint of relief and a touch of a smile. Though he didn't miss what was shared next.
"All I can ask is that you learn from your mistakes," was urged once more, the older wizard seemingly dismissing the thanks he'd received as his words echoed like a mantra in the confined space. "The future is yours to write, free from the temptations of fiery red hair, green eyes, and the need to prove that you can do better than those who never even understood you."
Severus' head jerked up, though he could only nod in defeat when his wide-eyed expression was met with an arched brow; a silent challenge asking if he dare contradict what they both knew to be the truth. And with his mind a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, so many things running though his head, eyes dropped back to the book, fingers moving to trace the intricate patterns on the cover of the textbook, their tips brushing lightly against the unexplored knowledge within.
As the train slowed, almost having reached its destination and the future, aged orbs remained fixated upon the form of their younger. "You are your own person, Severus Snape," he repeated, his voice carrying a mixture of urgency and wisdom, "And I am but one version of countless paths that lay ahead of you. So you best make your choices wisely."
Severus could only nod silently as he rose from his chair, frowning for a moment as he looked to the photo before the aged features of his elder's façade.
"Keep it, burn it, I care not," was all was offered, something of which the young wizard could only snort at.
"It's fireproof, isn't it?" he asked, unable to think that he would have tried to burn it the second he'd realised what it depicted.
Severs' elder self merely offered a faint smile at the jest, his eyes betraying a depth of understanding that transcended time itself. "It is indeed," he confirmed, his voice carrying a sombre tone layered with years of experience and regret - and a touch of sadistic humour. "But remember, some things are not so easily erased or destroyed. They linger, shaping who we are and who we are to become."
The young wizard nodded, his expression contemplative as he took in the weight of his elder's words. The photograph, a relic of both the past and present, held within it memories that were bitter and sweet, a testament to the journey that he had taken - and of the one that now lay ahead - and Severus felt a surge of determination course through him. He knew that the path he had walked had always been his own, marked by the choices both difficult and defining - yet it had always been one that was his and his alone.
His parents had never cared for him, no matter how often his mother tried to prove otherwise.
And the very school he had once believed to have been filled with freedom and wonder had turned out to be nothing more than another place of torture for Severus; his separation from Lily first by House, then the very word that had erupted from his own lips; the Marauders, who had done nothing but try and do their best to rid the world of him, even going so far as setting him up against a werewolf.
Yet every decision that had led him to sitting in a compartment with a version of his elder self, of his very future coming back to wack him about the head and forcing him to open his eyes. And they had all being because of the choices he had made.
Could he had not tried harder at home, done more after he realised just how serious the abuse his father did dish out to try and protect himself and his mother?
There were Aurors - Police - who could have come at any time, could have stepped in and put a stop to everything before his father had finally snapped and his mother had paid the ultimate price.
And the Marauders?
Couldn't he have just turned the other cheek, to have let go of his damnable pride and not have taken their bait, allowing them to see his greatest weakness for what it was and letting them mould him into the very wizard Lily had always feared he'd become?
Yet...
"A man who could not even save his best friend from the clutches of death."
Was it also but a haunting reminder of the choices that had led his future self to this moment, seated in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express with a version of his younger, confronting the shadows of his past in the hopes to change the future?
"Tell me," the young wizard begun when he finally managed to find his voice, unable to stop it from trembling with a mixture of curiosity and dread as he asked, "What did you mean? A man who couldn't save his best friend?"
Those penetrating black orbs regarded Severus with a gaze that seemed to hold the weight of countless years, a silent acknowledgement of the pain and regret that lingered within the depths of their shared soul.
"You'll understand," came the reply, suffused with a sorrow that could not be hidden or concealed behind the magic that was Occlumency. "In time."
The compartment fell into a heavy silence, the air thick with unspoken truths and unanswered questions. Though, and with a final glance at the photo, Severus tucked it away, a silent vow echoing in the depths of his soul. He would honour the sacrifices made, learn from the mistakes of not only that of his past, but also the future, and carve out a destiny that was uniquely his own.
And as the compartment door slid shut, separating the two versions of Severus Snape - one standing at the threshold of an uncertain future, the other a spectre of the past who did carry the burdens of regrets and sacrifices untold, it was the younger who stepped out into the bustling corridor, his resolve unshakeable amidst the chaos of the world beyond. For in that fleeting moment, Severus understood that the power to shape his own destiny lay not in the hands of fate, but in the very choices he made along the way.
The young wizard clutched the new potions textbook in his hands, the weight of his elder self's revelations pressing down upon him. The bustling platform awaited, and as Severus took his first steps into a world where choices held the power to shape destinies, he did so with a determination to forge a path distinct from the echoes of what could have been, stepping onto the crowded platform with that very same world at his feet.
The whispers of the future continued to linger in his mind, and with each step, Severus ventured into the unknown, unafraid of the knowledge that he and he alone held the pen to script the tale of his life.
The train's departure whistle echoed through the air, signalling the end of one chapter and the beginning of another, and Severus Snape, the young wizard with a future yet to unfold, disappeared into the folds of the Muggle World, resolute in his determination to learn from the mistakes of his past, the mistakes of his future, and write his own destiny from the raw pages of choices that awaited him.
The future awaited, uncertain and vast as it may be, and as Severus Snape stepped back into the world of Muggles and the non-magical side of Kings Cross Station, his heart was heavy with the weight of choices - the futures that lay before him.
However, amid the uncertainty, one thing was clear - the words of his elder that did echo in his mind, a guiding light within this new and dark unknown.
"You are your own person, Severus Snape."
Yes, he may have lost his family, his best friend, but Severus was yet to lose himself. And with a sense of determination he hadn't felt in years and a new-found spring in his step, the young wizard disappeared into the labyrinth that was London. He may not know what the future held, but he knew one thing for certain - he would not let it define him.
And, in the shadows of Platform 9¾, if a certain pale haired teen found a sense of satisfaction all her own as her sister's photo with her new boyfriend was marred by the image of someone who exuded more darkness and shadow than the semblance of ordinary humanity... what was but another small clandestine victory, a miniscule triumph upon the pages of destiny for one Severus Tobias Snape; he who had lost so much, but never that of himself?
For even if his presence was to linger as nothing more than a shadows shadow in the dark of both Muggle and Magical history, why could it not be that in the shape of a footnote to remind all that even in the darkest of times, there remains a spark of defiance, a whisper of hope, and a sliver of redemption to be found?
If, of course, one were to remember and open their eyes and turn on a light...