"A pencil for m'lady?" I held out my pencil as a peace offering and his lips twisted into a grin. When Xie Lian smiled at me I swear my whole body felt like a piece of glass thrust into a kiln, damn near melting point.
"Why thank you my kind sir" he blew me a flirty kiss that I was quick to catch and mime holding it close to my heart, cherishing it if you will.
I had known Xie Lian since before I knew myself. However dramatic that may sound, it really is the truth. Second grade, he asked to sit with me and my pitiful friend group of me, my stuffed dog Eming, and yours truly.
"Who's that?" He pointed a small finger toward Eming.
I picked up Eming and held him to my face, speaking for him when our words weren't accessible for him "My name is Eming". Eming shined in all his glory as a grubby stuffed animal trying to be a dalmation but looking more like a zebra.
Xie Lian took his furry paw and kissed it with a smile "Pleased to make your acquaintance Sir Eming". I didn't know it yet, but I'd learn to live for those smiles.
"Did you make any new friends today?" I stared up at the blue bag of dog treats on the token tan shelves of Dollar Tree. For as long as I could remember, this is where my mom went to get any and all of my family's food needs. Using up what little of her already small paycheck didn't go towards rent. In her cart lie many boxes of dollar spaghetti and large cans of Ragú tomato sauce. These were tucked in with a small bottle of purple dish soap and a pack of CraZyArt crayons, because I had gone through all mine from two years ago. All except for the yellow crayon, I had been adamant that drawing suns ruined the picture. The bleary yellow on the large gray sheets of paper was simply too 'bright' in my words.
"HongHonger? Did you make any friends today?" My mom repeated the question, ruffling my hair and startling me out of my thoughts.
"Oh! Yes! I met a kid named Xie Lian, we had lunch together and I introduced him to Eming!" I grinned and the cold Dollar Tree air washed over the gap where my tooth was missing.
"Ho ho~ quite the ladies man are we?" She gave me her signature quirked eyebrow and a smirk.
"MOMMmm!" My face burned, scared that the other dollar tree patrons had discovered my secret crush so easily "Besides, we just met" I huffed out.
I reached to grab my pencil before remembering I had given it to Xie Lian. I blushed when remembering the kiss he had blown. A lot of good 10 years had done in getting rid of my crush. If anything, it had gotten worse, so much worse. Regrettably, I would call this feeling something similar to love. Maybe it was love.
Now I know that in the media, when the guy's had a crush on a guy since childhood, he gives him some sort of grand confession at an important event in his life and he realizes he's loved him all along. Right? Xie Lian won't ever get the grand confession from me though. For a long time, I had tried to find a way to show my love for him. From the first time I heard the story of the red string of fate, I prayed dearly that our fingers were joined by ties of red string.
Teenage nerves and rejection sensitivity had always held me back. A big bundle of anxiety I was. Sometime last year, I had it all planned out. Junior prom, I'd invite him to prom as friends. Then we'd walk home after the dance and I'd take him through the path that went along the river. There, I'd deliver my speech about my love, he'd tearfully tell me that he loves me too and we would bound home and be henceforth forever intertwined. That was the plan. Until Feng Xin.
Feng Xin had been a constant annoyance to me throughout my schooling. Unlike myself, Xie Lian had plenty of friends, one of which happened to be Feng Xin. He had shiny brown hair and an eye for the guy I loved. That is to say, he wooed Xie Lian with his smiles and stole away the 1am calls that used to be mine. I found solace in moments like this, being able to provide him with pencils, knowing he still had room in his heart to be kind to a cowardly man such as myself. But his heart wasn't mine to covet. Not when my CraZyArt pencil was being used to scribe their initials in heats. Not when elaborate drawings of his jawline and the tousle of his hair were crudely sketched by my pencil. In times like this I found that jealousy wasn't the dominant emotion in me. Rather, these days I find myself being filled by crushing sadness. I wouldn't be the guy for Xie Lian, even though Xie Lian was the guy for me.
My eyes glazed over at the tan shelves of Dollar Tree. Somehow I always found myself back here in times of self pity. Something about the perpetual smell of dirty carpet and latex balloons curated the perfect place for someone to wallow in pity. Namely, yours truly. I absentmindedly grabbed another pack of CraZyArt pencils, knowing that I'd probably relinquish all of them to you by the end of the week. It's not that you kept forgetting pencils, it's that your pencils seemed to mysteriously disappear every 20 minutes. That's ok though, I'll always have a pencil to give you.
Xie Lian, Feng Xin, and I sat in a horribly prophetic triangle shape in AP English Lit. Xie Lian in front of the two of us, of whom mutually admired him from afar.
"Oh- I…" I looked up to see Lily frantically searching for a pencil that would never be there. My hand instinctively moved to the pocket in my backpack where I kept my stash of CraZyArt pencils. Xie Lian relented his search and turned around. I paused to look up at him in anticipation.
He turned to face Feng Xin. Feng Xin and his plain white t-shirt that make his teeth look whiter. Feng Xin and his dark wash jeans that seemed tailored to his lanky frame. Feng Xin who I would always be second to. My hand tightened anxiously around the pink rubber of the eraser.
"Feng Xin," He started. No! I thought desperately, don't leave my heart hanging, please,"Could I borrow a pencil from you?" He smiled his beautiful, melting point smile. It looked a million miles away when it wasn't directed at me. I think that was the moment I realized I had lost whatever game I had never been brave enough to play. I hadn't even placed. I dropped the CraZyArt pencil I held.
Who decided that dollar trees were going to be partially carpeted? Such a ridiculous design decision for the amount of loose glitter. It was rather comforting though, for me at least. Sitting on the floor next to the CraZyArt display. This time I wasn't here to get another pack of pencils for you, I was still here for you though. I bought a pack of envelopes, though I only needed one. I wrote a letter, detailing my feelings the best way I knew how. All with the help of the Dollar Store scents and scenes. I'm going to be slightly movie-like, I've always kind of wished I could be, deep-down at least. Graduation. I'll give you the letter on graduation. You'll cry and feel a flurry of complicated emotions, I'll feel…heartbroken, but I'll be ok eventually. Just as I hope you are, I truly wish nothing but the best for my first and only love.
Yours,
Hua Cheng.
P.S.
Sorry for any spelling errors Xie Lian, it's hard to erase this pencil because the eraser it came with is so bad and the gray paper is so thin.