My eyesight blurred slightly, tears gathering on my lower eyelashes. I couldn't do anything except blankly stare at the letter in my hands. My whole heart sagged.

My closest friend, Hua Cheng, had given me the letter earlier that day, hands slightly shaking. He made me promise I would read it only once I got home and festivities were over.

I had carefully opened up the letter, curious as to what could be so important that I had to wait so long to view it. My eyes flicked across the barely legible penmanship that was made worse by the cheap paper it had been written on. 'show my love for him. From the first time I heard the story of the red string of fate, I prayed dearly that our fingers were joined by ties of red string.' I had quickly figured out what the letter meant, but this shattered the delicate glass dam of tears I had been holding back. Leaving me in my current predicament of staring blankly at the letter, desperate to read through the rest of it. I felt as if I owed him this much.

Yours. He had signed his name below that word. This simple act made it hard to breathe. I couldn't believe it. This whole time, I had been so completely oblivious to his love. His love was so strong he still loved me after 10 years. 10 whole years. That was practically an 8th of his whole lifetime, spent desperately in love with me. I knew I cared deeply for the man, I always had. Since the second I saw him with Eming on the playground I knew he was someone special. His ever intelligent black eye that seemed to be in a constant state of observance. Unsure of where my emotions lie, I tucked the gently folded up letter into my pocket with the notion of coming back to it later.

"Lian? Babe? Are you ok? You've been zoning out every time we've been together the last few days and I'm worried about you." Feng Xin's hands clasp mine. I jumped slightly and stared blankly at him, my mind solely focused on another man. We had been going out on dates to a nearby diner every day since graduation a week ago. Without school it had become much easier to find time to see each other. Strangely, this didn't make me as happy as I thought it would.

"Uh- I- I'm-" I paused, before blurting out what had been in the back of my mind ever since the night of graduation, "I think we should break up."

Feng Xin recoiled from my words, partly out of shock, partly out of confusion. "What? Xie Lian, are you sure you're ok? What's going on? You know you can tell me anything." He stared into my eyes with such worry I almost wanted to eat my words. I couldn't though, I knew I wouldn't be able to continue to be a good partner to him.

"I-I'm sorry Feng Xin. It's just, with college and everything I don't want us to try and fail long distance especially since our college's are across the country from each other.." I trailed off before looking up at Feng Xin sheepishly, too embarrassed to tell him the real reason.

"Lian-! We can do long distance-" He grabbed my hands with renewed vigor and looked into my eyes, this action used to melt me, but now I simply wasn't sure what I felt towards Feng Xin.

"No. I don't think it's a good idea. it's just- it's-" I stopped talking and looked away in shame. \

"Unless there's another reason you're not telling me. Unless-" He took my silence and lack of eye contact as all the confirmation needed. "You're in love with someone else" He deadpanned and stood to leave.

I scrambled, having not even properly sorted out my own emotions and now having them so openly displayed made me increasingly anxious. "Wait! Feng Xin, I-" I reached out a hand to catch his arm as he left.

"No Lian. I can see it clearly now, I'm not sure how I wasn't able to spot it before. You've fallen in love with someone else." His voice tightened, "This whole time, whether you realize it or not, you've been in love with someone else, I've finally been smart enough to spell it out for both of us." He turned away from me and sighed. "I really don't know what to say". With those final words, he left me standing in the diner with my hand still hanging aimlessly reaching for his hand that wasn't there for me to hold.

Dear Hua Cheng,

I read your letter. Right now I'm not sure what to feel. I'm writing a letter I'm not even sure if I'll send. I miss you. Earlier today I broke up with Feng Xin and he told me that I had been in love with someone else our whole relationship. Looking back, he was half right. There was a time when I loved him dearly and he was my first priority. I was so entranced with him I broke our tradition and asked him for a pencil. I think that was when I broke out of whatever love spell I had been in. Holding the unfamiliar pencil, with a lead I wasn't used to. The lead was rigid and it didn't immediately smush down under the pressure of my hand. The hexagonal prism of the pencil was just a size too large. The pencil was unfamiliar, I didn't like it. That night I contemplated calling and asking where you got those pencils that I had deemed to be the perfect type of pencil. Maybe it wasn't the perfect pencil, maybe it was perfect because I got it from you. Maybe you were the perfect part of the pencil. Maybe I'm just blabbing on and on in a letter I'm not even going to send.

Whatever the meaning, there's a clear conclusion that's sprung from this. What we had, or the lack of what we had… that was something.

Remember those sandwiches we split in elementary and middle school? The ones with the thick layers of turkey, lettuce,sharp cheddar cheese, and a customary smear of mayo? I lived for those, I practically lived off those until I was 14 and my mother forced me to expand my tastebuds beyond that sandwich. I too fondly remember standing next to my mother in the grocery store. I don't remember very much of what the store looks like, I know it's got concrete floors and is perpetually cold. When I was younger I was particularly subject to the cold and my mom would wrap her fur coat around my shivering body when we walked in the produce section, which was by far her favorite section. She spent hours upon hours in the kitchen trying to help our chef, although she was completely helpless in the kitchen. On the rare occasion she managed to cook something she deemed worthy enough to show my father and I, I'd often encourage her but ultimately leave the dish cold and untouched because I couldn't fathom eating anything she made. I'd always think to myself, yeah, next time I'll try it. As you know, she died unexpectedly in a car crash earlier this year. I never managed to try one of her dishes before she passed. I guess there's not always a next time, isn't that funny?

Sorry Hua Cheng, I wrote an entire letter to you that turned out to be just me whining about my own problems and barely acknowledging your confession. Terribly rude of me. I'm simply not sure what to say at this point. As I've stated, I don't have any intentions of sending this so I'm not even sure why I wrote it in the first place.

Thank you for letting me write out my thoughts,

Xie Lian.

P.S.

For the record, I think you're quite brave for confessing to me in the first place. It's quite commendable.

Out of habit, I put the letter in an envelope and addressed it without thinking. My father stumbled across the sealed envelope several days later without my knowledge. Unknowingly, he put a stamp on the letter and sent it off without confirming with me first, rather without confirming with me at all.

A/N

More Chapters to come, if you enjoyed or have feedback please lmk, I always appreciate feedback. Apologizes for any grammatical or spelling errors, proof reading is NOT my strength.