Chapter 1

A sea of graduation caps fly in the air and I take one final look at the past four years of my life.

I lock eyes with Taylor and Anika from across the room. Where would we all be a year from now? I was already missing our late night snack runs. After all, happiness is a slurpee with a hot pink straw. Our graduation caps fall back into our hands and it's official.

We're college graduates.

The week leading up to graduation Taylor, Anika, and I spent every waking moment together. We went window shopping for grad outfits, painted our toes and nails blue to match our Finch caps and gowns, and did our best to soak in the final page of our college chapter. We all laughed about how ready we were to be done but none of us mentioned how weird it would be to not live within walking distance of each other anymore. It was bittersweet to think it was all coming to an end.

Under my Finch gown, I wore a white babydoll dress with cap sleeves and a subtle blue floral pattern. I saw it in the window and sent a photo of it to my mother. She replied with a blue heart emoji. She didn't have to say anything. I knew it reminded her of Susannah too. She surprised me with the dress a few days later.

Missing Susannah came in waves. It never did get easier but I found ways to keep her magic alive. At least in my heart. I brought her earrings everywhere with me. Even when I studied abroad in Spain. It was as close as I could get to her. I felt her with me when I walked onto the stage to receive my diploma. When I posed for my photo with the Dean of Finch, I heard her voice tell me to say "prune" and I smiled as wide as I had at the Debutante Ball. I never wanted to forget the sound of her voice. I never wanted to forget her. When I walked off stage, I imagined her cheering me on in the stands.

Events were the hardest. On days like today, I felt her absence the most and the pain was new again. I wished she could be here. And for a flickering moment, I wished they all were.

After the ceremony, my family greets me with a chorus of: "Congratulations, Belly!"

My father hugs me first and gives me flowers. I plant a kiss on his cheek as Laurel snaps a photo of us. She hugs me next then cups my face in her hands.

"You're still my little bean, you know." She smiles and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear, noting my earrings. Susannah's earrings.

"She would be proud." She smiles and I smile too. It occurs to me that this is a bittersweet day for her too. Susannah and Laurel had met in college. This was where it all began for them. Another reminder of a friendship lost.

"I guess you did alright, sis." Steven says, hugging me next with sarcasm.

"It's nice to see you too." I laugh.

Steven flicks the strings on my cap and I flick him back as Laurel snaps more photos of us. Taylor runs over with her family not far behind, smelling like a perfume she has owned since high school.

"It's over, bitches!" She says with open arms and tackles me with pride. We hug each other tight.

Taylor Jewel. My oldest friend in the world. A friendship that has survived high school and now college. Anika joins us for group photos and we do the classic best friend poses. My mother had always told me college would be a special time — a place to find your forever friends and I couldn't be happier with the ones I was walking away with.

Steven steals Taylor for a kiss, spinning her in the air. Their relationship had really blossomed over the past year despite months of long distance. Anika leaves to find her family and mouths a "see you later". My family makes small talk with Taylor's family and I have a few moments to take it all in. So this it. I look around, memorizing every detail for what felt like the last time. It was time to kiss college life goodbye.

"Hey Belly-" My mother turns to me, pulling me out of my thoughts. Then something behind me catches her eye. Her eyes light up and she walks past me.

"Connie, you made it!"

Suddenly the room is still and I feel like I'm in slow motion as I turn around. It couldn't be.

And there he was to prove me wrong. Hugging my mom with hair falling into his eyes. Familiar and foreign.

All at once.

He greets Laurel then his eyes meet mine.

"Congratulations, graduate."

"Conrad." I blink then blink again. "You came."

"I couldn't miss another Conklin graduation," Conrad smirks then hands me flowers. "These are yours. From all of us."

They were Susannah's favorite: Peonies. Freshly picked from her garden in Cousin's. I happily accept them.

"Thank you." I can't help but smile.

"Are you alone?" My mother asks.

I already know the answer. Jeremiah was working a new job in the city and today was his first day so he couldn't make it. And I wasn't expecting Adam to show. My mother had invited all of the Fishers but I wasn't expecting Conrad to be the one to show up.

"Jere's coming down for the weekend. Adam's on a flight to London." He answers her and my mom nods, tight-lipped. Steven walks up to Conrad, thrilled.

"Conrad! It's about time you take a break from med school. You know you've really neglected me, man."

They both hug and share some laughs. I watch Conrad as he interacts with everyone and feel a familiar ache in my chest for him. The kind that never goes away. The kind of crush that never dies. No matter how much time passes.

We recreate our Cousin's tradition and take a group photo together in the hot sun. Taylor and Steven hug each other close on the left leaving Conrad and I on the right. Conrad's arms wrap around my shoulders and suddenly we're 12 years old again posing in front of the beach house. Except his arms had more weight to them now. His face was the same though. Smirky mouth. Dark hair. Ocean eyes. Golden skin. Freckles on his nose that closely resembled Susannah's. Everything was the same yet completely different. Laurel snaps a few photos of the four of us then the moment is over.

We all make our way back to our cars.

"Yo, we're throwing a wild graduation party tonight in Cousin's." Steven grins, wrapping his arm around Conrad's shoulder. "It'll be just like old times. You in?!"

Laurel pipes up, "Promise me you'll keep an eye on all of them. Especially this one." She gestures to Steven.

Steven laughs, waving her off, "Love you, mommmm"

Taylor laughs at Steven looking down at her phone then looks up at Conrad.

"You are invited Conrad." She says to my surprise then says, "I mean, unless you have something better to do."

She shoots him a look before going back to scrolling photos on her phone.

"Oh, he doesn't have anything better to do." Steven laughs, nudging Conrad's shoulder, "Right, Conrad?"

Conrad doesn't look at Taylor or Steven. I can feel his eyes on me when he says, "I'll be there."

We say goodbye to my parents and make our way to our cars. I make a conscious effort to not look back as Conrad walks to his car.

Steven drives us to Cousin's. Taylor and him fight over the party playlist as I look out the window, drowning them out. My phone pings and I pick it up to see Taylor, Steven, Conrad, Jeremiah, and I in a group chat started by my mom.

She sends us the photos from today with a text:

Congrats kids. Have fun and don't drink or drive. P.S. That house better be spotless next time I'm there.

Taylor laughs out loud with an "Aw cute!" and gives Steven a quick scroll of their photos together.

"I'm driving, Taylor." He laughs, his eyes on the road.

"Belly, you tart! You look so good in these!" Taylor jokes as we scroll through their graduation photos. I save all of the ones of Taylor, Anika, and I in my phone and make one of them my new screensaver for memory's sake.

Taylor replies to the group chat:

Thanks Laur! You got it! And follows it up with a black heart emoji.

Jeremiah's text comes in minutes later:

Heyyy it's a Cousin's reunion! Congrats Tay and Bells. See ya'll this weekend!

Laurel thumbs up everyone's texts and Steven talks into his phone to send a text:

Thanks mom. Conrad and I will keep everyone in check. Right, Conrad? ;)

Conrad replies a few minutes later with a thumbs up emoji. Laurel thumbs up his text and I set my phone down.

I rest my head on the seat and look out the window, listening to the song playing on the radio.

O.K., Meet Me Underwater by Jay Som plays:

I've been away, but I haven't changed

Can't say the same, you've gone your way

You think too much, your time is up

I'll be a friend, just tell me when

If you're feeling okay

Meet me underwater

When we pull into the driveway of the beach house in Cousin's, it is empty. No sign of Conrad. I automatically feel more at ease. I would be lying if I said I didn't also feel a small tinge of sadness. I'm about to carry my graduation flowers inside when I spy a small note attached to the stem of the flowers from The Fishers.

In her perfect stationery, it reads:

Congratulations, Isabel Conklin. Or should I say college graduate? I adore you, my special special girl.

I'm with you every step of the way.

Happy Graduation!

Love, Susannah And The Boys

I carry The Fishers' flowers inside, pour water into one of Susannah's old vases and set them up exactly where they belong.

"Wish you could be here." I think out loud, admiring them before walking away.

"I can't believe he showed up." Taylor says later that day. "Like, who does he think he is?" She says, fussing with the straps of her mini dress in the mirror of my bedroom.

I shrug as I curl my lashes, trying not to feed into it.

"Wait." Taylor walks over to stand in front of me. "Have you guys been talking again behind my back? Oh my god!"

I roll my eyes, ignoring her as I finish curling my lashes. "No. I didn't even know he was coming today, Taylor. I swear."

"You are the worst liar, Belly Conklin!"

"I'm not lying! Laurel invited them. I wasn't expecting any of them to show up. Let alone him."

"Yeah, well. Isn't it weird?" She says, narrowing her eyes. "I mean, your ex-fiance couldn't even come."

"Jere couldn't make it because of his new job." I shoot her a look then look back in the mirror to apply mascara.

"Besides, we're fine. Jere's coming down this weekend."

Jeremiah and I really were fine. Well, as fine as ex-fiancés can be. Jeremiah was still Jeremiah and that's what mattered to me.

Everyone was awkward for a while, especially Taylor. She didn't know what to say or do after our almost wedding and I didn't blame her. It was something I had to grieve alone. Before I knew it, I had saved up enough money to study abroad in Spain to leave it all behind me. Spain was exactly what I needed. A breath of fresh air. A welcomed distraction. A restorative period. Thankfully, Taylor and I's friendship picked up right where it left off when I got back.

As for Jere and I, we went our separate ways. I studied abroad for my junior year and Jeremiah landed internships in the city thanks to Adam's connections. When I returned to Finch for my senior year, I was ready to face him again but Taylor informed me he had graduated early so I wouldn't have to worry about running into him or anything. I wanted to send him my congratulations but I knew it was for the best I didn't because deep down, I knew it would never be the same. And I couldn't even be mad about it because I played a role in all of it.

We just weren't meant to be.

"Belly, just promise me you won't get sucked back into the Fisher bullshit." Taylor groans, spinning me around in the chair. She curls sections of my hair with a wand she has owned since high school.

"Taylor." I say, looking up at her. "Things are different now. That was a really long time ago. Trust me." Taylor reads my face and isn't convinced.

"Well, the least I can do is make you look like a hot ex." She smiles, curling my hair and I shake my head.

"Can't we just focus on having a really fun party tonight? I mean, you've only been talking about it since forever." I tease her and she spins my chair around so it's facing the mirror again.

She finishes my curls then hugs me from behind the chair and we both take a good look at ourselves in the mirror.

"Damn, you're right. Look at us." Taylor smiles. "We are hot ass graduated bitches!"

After getting ready for the party, we still had some time to spare. Steven and Taylor decide to go on a last-minute party favors/drink run which is code for alone time. Everyone else including Anika and her boyfriend wouldn't be showing up until later so it was just me and the beach house. Conrad's car was still missing from the driveway so I took it upon myself to start on the party decorations. Parties always reminded me of Susannah and I did my best to channel her. I turned on her favorite songs and danced around the house. I started in the kitchen then made my way to the front door.

I'm hanging up a large Graduation banner when suddenly the front door swings open. It hits the ladder I'm standing on and I brace for the fall, closing my eyes. But there is no fall. No impact. I'm not on the floor or the ladder.

I open my eyes to find myself in Conrad Fisher's arms.

"Belly? Are you okay?" His face is inches away from mine and his hair is dripping wet as he holds me tight.

How long had it been since they've been that close?

"Yep." I reply then feel a pain in my knee. "Nope." I wince.

"Here, sit down." Conrad gently guides me to the floor and I rest my head against the wall. He kneels to my level in his wetsuit. So he had been surfing this whole time.

"Are you alone? Where is everyone?" He asks, concerned.

"Um, Steven and Taylor went on a last-minute party run. Everyone else is coming later." I exhale, looking down at my freshly bruised knee.

"Oh." He says then he asks, "Where does it hurt?"

I point at my knee in pain.

"Hold on, I think we have some medicine-" He gets up before I can say a word.

Moments later, he returns with medicine and bandaids. He gives me a glass of water to swallow the pills.

"For the pain." He nods and I gulp the pills down with water.

He turns his attention to my knee and disinfects the cuts then applies bandaids. I watch him doctor me in silence. I always loved him with wet hair. His long arms worked on my knee and I suddenly become aware of the beach dress I'm wearing from a few summers ago. One that a size or two too small. I cover my stomach with my arms, feeling self-conscious about my grown body.

"Do your arms hurt too?" He asks, noticing.

I shake my head and he gently taps my knee, sending electric jolts down my entire leg.

"There. That should take care of it." He says. Then he looks at me. "Do you think you can stand up?"

"I'm fine." He helps me get to my feet despite my best efforts to stand on my own and I mutter a small "Thanks."

I turn back towards the ladder, feeling awkward.

"You're not getting back on that thing, Belly." He says to my back.

"Sure I am." My words come out harsh and cold.

Conrad ignores them, "You're lucky you didn't hit your head."

"It's my graduation party, remember?"

I walk into the kitchen, rolling my eyes but Conrad follows me. He opens the fridge and slides a water bottle across the counter towards me with raised brows.

"Sorry. Doctor's orders. No more ladders."

I stare him down and he smirks with a daring look in his eyes. As much as I want to decline the water, it sounds really nice right about now. It was no cherry coke but it would tide me over. I open it and take a huge swig, trying to ignore the satisfied look on his face.

"So, what's next?" He says, grabbing a water for himself.

"What?" I almost choke.

"What else do you need to do for the party?" He asks, taking a nonchalant sip of water.

"Wow. Conrad Fisher wants to help set up a party?" I tease, tilting my head. "Where is the Conrad I know and where did you take him?"

He laughs and rolls his eyes dramatically then I shrug.

"It's pretty much done-"

"Isabel." He says, giving me a look. "Let me help."

There was something behind his voice. Why after all this time did he want to help me? I look at him with skeptical eyes.

"Why?" I blurt out without thinking. Conrad looks surprised. Almost hurt.

"Because." He shrugs as if it's not a big deal. "It's your graduation day and the least I can do is help after nearly knocking you off a ladder."

A laugh escapes from my chest and he laughs too as I shake my head, taking another sip of water.

"Besides, that's not the only time you've fallen in this house alone…" He trails off.

An old, dusty memory resurfaces. He was referring to a few Christmases ago when he found me on the floor after I fell then carried me to the couch. The exact moment I realized I was still in love with him. I cleared my throat, tucking the memory safely away. No repeating history.

"Thanks. But I can handle it on my own from here."

And just like that, I leave him standing in the kitchen and go upstairs.

Some memories and feelings are so fragile and forbidden that if you're not careful, they will find a way back into your heart and convince you to feel things you shouldn't.

An hour later, Steven and Taylor text me to come help carry bags inside. As I round the corner, a surprise awaits me.

The Graduation banner is perfectly hung in the center of the hallway with decorations exploding around it on the walls, entryway, and doorframe. The ladder was gone.

It had Conrad written all over it.

A smile forms on my lips as I admire his grand display. It was perfect. He made it so hard not to love him when he was sweet like this, but I knew I couldn't. I shouldn't. I didn't have the right to anymore.

Taylor comes in and takes a look around,

"Wow. You went all out, Belly!" She laughs, taking it all in.

I don't have the heart to tell her it wasn't me. So I keep my mouth shut and take the bags from her, smiling.

Tonight was about graduation. Nothing else.

"Let's all take a shot together!" Taylor yells, raising her shot glass in the air.

She had invited what felt like half of Finch and more. Anika and I hardly knew most of them. Most of the party guests were probably friends of friends from her sorority mixers. Taylor had been planning this party for months.

"Here's to never having to do another shitty paper or exam again!" Taylor yells and the party crowd cheers too, raising their drinks in salute.

Anika joins in: "To never having to pay for overpriced textbooks ever again!"

I lift up my shot glass: "To the best years of our lives!"

We all clink shot glasses and take our shots as a group. Taylor, Steven, Anika, her boyfriend, and the party crowd. We make our way outside to play drinking games in the backyard as more people arrive. I recognize a few from the Volleyball team. I couldn't believe how many people had shown up.

"We won Belly!" Anika hugs me. "Take that, Taylor!"

Taylor rolls her eyes, "It was a tie."

Anika was great at drinking games, especially beer pong. I think she was putting in extra effort to impress her long distance boyfriend Owen and it was working. He hadn't taken his eyes off of her all night.

"Owen, sub for me." I say, winking at Anika and waving him over. "I'll be back."

I leave them to play another round and make my way back to the beach house. Along the way, I caught up with the few people I did know: some of the Volleyball team, old classmates, and a few boys I knew through Jeremiah. I find the kitchen and begin to make myself a drink. I never played beer pong with beer. I was a mixed drinks type of girl.

I see him before he sees me. He combs his hands through his hair as he talks to someone familiar. Then it hits me: it's Clay. An old friend from Cousin's. I laugh at how little he's changed. Conrad is nursing a beer in his hands when Steven comes up to pat Clay on the back. The two greet each other as Conrad scans the room. He looks like he is looking for someone. Could it be a girl? He looks in my direction and makes direct eye contact.

Oops.

I look down to see the drink I'm pouring is overflowing and turn to find something to mop up the mess with. When I turn back around, Conrad is standing at the counter.

"How much have you had to drink tonight?" Conrad fights a smile.

I reply with a small "Hey" as I mop up my mess.

"Here, allow me." He says to me.

Conrad walks around the counter to help and I catch a whiff of his cologne. He is wearing a flannel and denim jeans. A Conrad staple. I clear my throat, unsure what to do or say. I decide to torture us with small talk. Nice, Belly.

"So, how is… how is medical school?"

Conrad laughs, "It's… medical school."

"Right."

I look away at the crowd, feeling embarrassed then turn back to him. Conrad hands me a new drink.

"Here. It's extra sugary. Just the way you like it."

I'm careful to not brush his hand as I retrieve the drink. I take one sip and the fruity flavors fill my mouth. It was delicious. I take another sip then another and another.

"Thanks."

Conrad takes a sip of his beer then nods towards the crowd, "So you know all these people?"

I shake my head, "Not really. Taylor invited most of them."

We share a few moments of silence as I work up the liquid courage to thank him for helping me earlier.

"Hey, um, thanks for earlier." I nod towards the front of the house, referring to the Graduation banner he had set up.

Conrad nods like it's no problem.

"How's your knee?" He asks and I look down.

"Much better. Yeah, it's good."

"That's good." He replies and I bite my lip. I almost leave when Conrad says,

"Belly, can we-"

"Belly, I've been looking for you!" Taylor rolls into the kitchen hugging Steven with drunk eyes. Steven is taking a sip of his drink, looking at Conrad and I as if they interrupted something. I down the rest of my drink in a panic then nod at Conrad.

"Duty calls." I say as I walk out of the kitchen.

Taylor grabs my hand and we make our way outside. After a few moments, she says, "You okay, babe?"

I'm about to reply when a sorority girl runs up to Taylor to hug her. They both catch up and I sneak one more look back at the kitchen through the large windows. Steven is pouring a drink, saying something to Conrad and Conrad's eyes are on me as he takes a swig of his beer.

After a few drinking games, I wander down to the beach. Everyone is wasted. Steven and Taylor are taking shots with her sorority friends. Anika and her boyfriend are dominating beer pong. When I'm sure I'm alone, I sit in the sand and look out at the waves. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I'm home as the sea air splashes my face.

Cousin's had always been home and she had been away for far too long. As fun and beautiful Spain was, part of her mourned for another summer in Cousin's. It was in her blood. Late night swims. Sunny beach days. Susannah's dinners. What she would give to be 12 years old again and experience another summer at Cousin's.

I'm startled when I hear someone behind me. Conrad is sitting to the right of her behind her nursing his beer. She must have walked right past him. How long had he been sitting there?

I stand up to walk back to the beach house, swiping sand off my gingham beach dress.

Tonight is about graduation. Nothing else.

"Belly… wait." Conrad says. "Can we talk?"

She should've known he'd be out here. There was something about this beach. An invisible current. A magical tide that always brought them together.

"Whatever you have to say..." I wave him off, slurring my words. "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters."

"Conrad, it was a long time ago..." I continue to walk.

I think I'm in the clear until I hear him say:

"I'm sorry."

There is a vulnerability in his voice that was new to her. Enough to stop her in her tracks. She freezes and turns to him to find him standing too with his beer in the sand.

Conrad takes a step forward with eyes on her.

She felt her heart breaking all over again.

"I've replayed it over and over again in my head for years trying to find the right words to say to you." He shakes his head, maintaining eye contact. "I get it. It's too little too late but for what it's worth. I'm sorry, Belly."

His eyes hold such pain it takes everything in her to not reach out and caress his face.

"Conrad. We both hurt each other-" I shake my head.

"And I don't ever want to hurt you like that again."

She looks into his eyes. At the new, matured Conrad. The one who didn't hold back but can't help but wince at his words. It wasn't the first time she's heard him say that.

"What do you want from me?" She whispers into the night air.

After a moment, he takes a step closer.

"I want to be in each other's lives again, Belly."

That was the last thing she expected him to say.

That was the last thing she expected him to want.

She looks out at the crashing waves then back at him. She collects her drunken thoughts and finally has the liquid courage to say the words back. Words that are years late.

"I'm sorry too."

"Belly, you don't have to-"

"No, I do. I never meant to come between you and Jere." I shake my head, finally looking him in the eye. "And the way everything happened… It wasn't right. I'm sorry."

"Jeremiah and I will always be brothers, Belly." Conrad says then adds, "Jere's moved on. We all have. You need to give yourself permission to move on too."

"It's not that I haven't moved on." I say, holding back sobs. "I just… don't know how to be in your life… after what I did."

"How about we start now?" His eyes burn into mine.

Conrad stands tall in front of me now and it's all too familiar. Why did their best and worst conversations always take place on this beach?

"How?" I shake my head, drunk. "We can't just pretend like nothing happened. It doesn't work like that."

"No, Belly. We can't start over." He agrees, "But we can start by being in each other's lives again."

"I don't know how." I croak, searching his eyes before turning to leave for good this time.

Didn't he get it? We had too much history. Infinite memories that haunted her heart to this very day.

"Don't leave it like this, Belly." Conrad says as she walks.

"Damnitt. Don't shut me out!"

I freeze at his words, looking down at the sand.

"I'm not." I say, forcing my legs to walk forward.

"Isn't that what you said to me years ago? You said no more shutting each other out. That's exactly what you're doing to me right now and where has it gotten us?"

My legs stop working as I think about that painful day at Brown. I didn't want to think about this tonight.

Why was he saying all of this now? When it was too late?

"Yes, we have a past. Yes, we made mistakes. Life doesn't make sense sometimes."

She continues to walk and he gets in front of her now.

"But life makes a hell of a lot more sense when you're in my life, Belly. We can't keep doing this, shutting each other out."

Tears begin to drip from her drunken eyes and she blinks to wash them away, too drunk or stunned to say a word.

He shakes his head, "Don't cry. I just." He sucks in a deep breath then says, "If I'm wrong, then I will leave this beach right now but if there is any part of you that misses me too. Please say something, Belly."

She closes her eyes, trying to fight what his words were doing to her broken heart.

He closes his eyes too then looks back up at her, "I've tried to live without you for years and I don't know how."

His voice breaks on the final word and just like that, his words heal something broken inside of her. His words wash away the pain inside of her like a tide erases a shore. She was lost at sea and he is a boat keeping her afloat. Her anchor. All she knew was she missed him too. She missed Conrad Fisher like salt needs water and like air needs oxygen. He was her sun and his light had never dimmed despite everything that had transpired over the years. And here he was standing in front of her begging to be in her life again, begging to be friends.

There were no words left to say. Nothing left to do than to surrender. They would rather be in each other's lives than be without each other. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe it was right. But she couldn't deny the invisible string between the two of them any longer.

"I've missed you too, Conrad Fisher." She says, closing the distance between them with a hug.

Conrad hugs her back, his face in her hair and they stay like that. And for a moment, everything makes sense again. Something clicks.

When they let go of each other go, she sticks out a hand.

"Friends?"

Conrad smirks, squeezing her hand back before dropping it.

"Friends."

They both look at each other in a familiar way and Belly turns back to the beach house, pursing her lips.

"We should get back before someone thinks you kidnapped me." She laughs, swaying.

Conrad smirks down at her, "On one condition."

"What?"

"That you don't weep when I kick your ass in beer pong."

"Oh you're on!" Belly laughs, pushing him and they make their way back to the beach house. Two young hearts rediscovering each other all over again. This time will be different Belly thinks as she smiles at Conrad. It has to be.

This summer will change everything.

Author's Note: Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know what you want to read next below.

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