Over the next three weeks, split by a case in Phoenix, Hotch had asked me over to his place three times, and he came over to my apartment twice. He didn't seem as interested in spending time with me, though. He seemed to just get what he wanted and then he was done with me.
He had asked me to come over again before we got a case in California. They had already named him the 'Road Warrior'.

It was a long three days with an extremely horrendous ending. This was the case that broke Jordan. She had told me on the plane that she wasn't cut out for this job. She said she'd stay until JJ was back, obviously, but that she was going to ask Hotch to keep her out of the field. She pushed herself too far and this case sent her over the edge.
I knew Hotch would hate when she spoke to him about it. Partly because part of her job was field work, but also partly because it would mean this job destroyed yet another agent. He was hesitant to bring her in to begin with, having no similar background with cases like these, but it was JJ's decision in the end.

When we got back to find JJ and Henry in the conference room, I held him for quite a while once Morgan and Reid had their cuddles. I pretended not to hear JJ when she commented that I was a 'natural'. I didn't need to think about having babies, and I knew Hotch would feel uncomfortable if I was.

Once JJ left, followed by the others, I decided to leave now before Hotch. He caught up to me in the parking lot, however. "Hey, Em." I sighed to myself and stopped, turning to him and letting him catch up. "Are you okay?"

I forced a small smile, although I could tell he didn't buy it, "Yeah, I'm just tired. I can't wait to have a night in my own bed," I could see he was about to speak again, probably to tell me he'd come to my place, so I spoke again before he could, "I'll see you tomorrow." I smiled again and touched his arm briefly. Of course a hug or kiss wasn't an option right now; there were cameras all around the parking garage.

I got in my car, and he got in his a few cars down. I was surprised he was still leaving this early. He usually only left any time before 10 when he was seeing me or Jack. It made me wonder why he never left early to see Haley when they were together. Maybe that love was gone even by the time I had arrived.

When I got home, I ran myself a bath and relaxed into it, trying to keep my mind off both the case and Hotch. I heard my phone ring from my nightstand in the next room but decided it could wait.
I didn't get out of the bath until the water was too cold. I dried off and slipped into a pair of panties. I went into my room and checked my phone. A missed call and a text from Hotch,

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I bit my lip before writing back, "I'm okay. Goodnight x".

I plugged my phone into the charger and got into bed, turning the lamp out. It was almost 11 now, so at least it was an acceptable time to go to bed.

The next day was full of mountains of paperwork. My eyes hurt from the strain and my back was aching.
When lunch came around Garcia and I decided to go over to the deli a few blocks away. We ate there, and I got a sandwich made up to take back to the precinct. Garcia didn't seem to notice me get the other sandwich or slip it into my bag.
When we got back, she went to her office and I grabbed some files I needed to turn in. I went up to Hotch's office and knocked, the sandwich in my other hand. Thankfully, Morgan and Reid weren't back yet. I put the files down and then gave him the sandwich, "You need to eat." He hadn't stepped out all day, not even for coffee.

He looked at me, "Thank you." I just nodded and turned to leave, "Emily, hold on." I stopped and turned to look back at him, "You don't seem okay…"

"I'm fine. I didn't sleep well."

"Assuming no case comes in, I have Jack tonight. Will you come over?" His voice was quieter now; the door was open. I just nodded and then left his office. I felt too anxious talking about that at work. What if someone overheard?

When five finally came, Reid, Morgan, Jordan, and Garcia left for the weekend. Half an hour later, Rossi stepped briefly into Hotch's office and then kissed my cheek on his way through, wishing me a good weekend. At six, I turned my computer off and gathered my things. I took the remaining files I had completed this afternoon and went up to Hotch's office. He smiled when I knocked on the open door. I put the files in his 'to be completed' tray, and looked at him, "Aren't you getting Jack?"

"Haley just let me know that they're home, I'm just signing this and leaving. We're getting pizza for dinner, is that okay?"

I smiled, "Sure. I'm going to head home and repack my go-bag, and you let me know when you're home." He agreed and I left.

I had repacked my bag, showered, and just sat down when Hotch texted me, letting me know they would be home in twenty minutes.
I grabbed my bag and turned the lights off, set the alarm, and went down to my car. I drove the twenty-five minutes to his apartment.

We ate pizza with Jack while he spoke non-stop about his mum and what he did at day care. After dinner, he asked if we could all watch a movie. He lay tucked in Hotch's arms with his small security teddy in his arms. I sat on the other end of the couch with my legs under me, barely even paying attention to the movie; there were too many other things on my mind.
When Jack fell asleep, Hotch stopped the movie and lifted him carefully, "See you in bed?" He whispered to me.
I nodded; clearly, we weren't going to finish the movie. I went to brush my teeth, and then sat on the bed.

A few minutes later he was in the bedroom and putting his phone down. He went to shower, and I lay down in bed, turning the TV on in here. I switched it to a few re-runs and turned the volume down enough to ensure it wouldn't disturb Jack.
When Hotch joined me in bed, he didn't wait very long before he started to move his hands up my torso. I took a breath when he ghosted over a breast, and then he began kissing up my neck softly.

He had my clothes off in no time and his hand worked wonders between my legs. The actual sex didn't take more than fifteen minutes. I came twice before he let himself go. He pressed a long kiss to my lips before rolling over to his side of the bed.
I got up to go the bathroom, and then returned to my side of the bed. I lay down but not in his arms where I usually lay, especially after sex. He didn't seem bothered, and then he checked his phone was plugged in before settling.
When I realised that he didn't want to cuddle me, I rolled so my back was to him and my tears wouldn't be obvious as they burned in my eyes. I tried to keep them at bay, telling myself I wasn't going to cry over a man. But he wasn't just a man to me, he was my man. I wanted my man to love me.

The tears left my eyes then. At first I was able to keep it silent, and Hotch oblivious to their presence. As soon as my mind drifted to Jack and how I much I didn't want to be cut off from him if Hotch were to break up with me, a small sob left me. I closed my eyes and held my breath. For a few seconds there was nothing; he must have been asleep.
Then I felt him roll closer to me and a hand on my hip, "Sweetheart? Emily, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." I whispered.

He didn't take that answer, and he rolled me onto my back despite my efforts to stay on my side. He turned his lamp on and looked at the tears in my eyes. He wiped them from my cheeks and kissed my temple before cupping my face with his hand, "Tell me what's wrong?" I just shook my head. "Is it me? Have I done something?"

I just looked at him, a clear sign that he was right. Although it wasn't that he did something, it was that he didn't do anything. He raised his eyebrows and waited for me to speak. I took in a breath; I guess we're doing this then. I pulled away from his hand and sat up, now avoiding his eyes, "The past few weeks all this has been for you is sex. You haven't wanted to spend time with me at all, not outside of the bedroom. If you only want sex then that's fine, but just say it."

He shook his head; he looked like he was about to get defensive, "That isn't true, Emily. Is sex with you great? Yes. But it isn't everything."

"We went on one date, Aaron. When we went out for dinner with Jack. That's it. That's okay with me; I don't need to go out to enjoy time with you, but you don't even watch movies with me anymore. You spent time with Jack, and then you put him to bed and take me to the bedroom, and then you're done communicating."

He shook his head and got up, "I'm going to check on Jack." He said quietly as he left the room.

"Aaron!" he didn't come back, and it made me angry. If he couldn't talk to me, then this wasn't going to be fixed. I got up too and started to get dressed. I had my jeans on and just pulled my shirt into place when he got back.

"Stop, Emily."

"I'm going home."

"No, sweetheart please stop," He stood between me and the door, "Let's talk."

"I tried to talk, and then you left to "check on Jack". Aaron, I'm tired and upset; just let me go. I can't be your fuck buddy."

"Stop," He said. When I tried to push past him, albeit unsuccessfully, he raised his voice, "Stop!" Immediately, he closed his eyes and shook his head, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I am mad at myself and I'm taking it out on you. I'm sorry. Please sit down?" I reluctantly sat down on the bed and waited for him to speak again.
"Honey, I didn't mean to make you feel like I don't care about you. I haven't taken you out because the past few cases seem to have exhausted you, and between them and Jack, I'm exhausted too. I should have asked you instead of just assuming you wouldn't want to. I'm sorry.
"It's the same with movies and staying in. I thought getting you to bed earlier would be better because you looked so tired. I never meant to make you feel like I didn't want to spend time with you.
I do, Emily. I love spending time with you and talking to you. I promise you, sweetheart, this is not just about the sex for me. I want you."

I looked down, "Okay."

"I'm going to do better, okay? I'm going to take you out more and spend more one-on-one time with you. I promise, Emily." He pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Please come to bed with me?"

I looked up at him, "Am I overreacting? Am I making you upset for no reason?"

He shook his head, "No, Em, you're not. I am angry with myself because I realised how right you were when you said that I haven't been spending time with you. Sure, we have sex, but that's not the only kind of time we need together.
"Haley had the same issues, and that ultimately led to the end of our marriage. I will not let that happen to us. I am not going to lose you."

I smiled weakly and took his hand, "You're not going to lose me." I pulled him down to kiss me. I got up and went back to my go bag. He sat down in bed and I saw him watching me through the mirror. I smirked and unbuttoned my jeans, removing them slowly. I turned to face him and took my shirt off, my bra not on. I bit my lip and saw him suppress a groan.

I walked over and straddled him, my panties only remaining on. I leant down slowly to ensure he got a good view of my chest, and then kissed him. I started gentle. Once he reciprocated eagerly, I ground down onto his boxer briefs and kissed him more passionately.
"I'm so confused." He joked between kisses.

I removed my panties and pulled his briefs off, sliding down so my mouth was even with him. He ran a hand through my hair roughly as I worked, pulling gently. I hummed to let him know it felt nice. Momentarily I pulled back, "Feel free to move my head how you prefer."

"…Are you sure?" He looked at me with raised eyebrows, as if that was a strange thing to be okay with. I hummed around him to answer yes, and then he pushed my head down to take him fully into my throat. Thankfully, I was expecting it and took control of my gag reflex. I hummed around him again to convey that it was okay.
He cursed under his breath and quickly pulled me away from him completely. He took my hand and guided me up to straddle him again, and I sunk down easily. He groaned and put his hands on my hips, holding me in place for a few seconds.

Just before my first peak, I heard the door open and stopped moving. I dropped to his chest and left my head buried in his neck. "Daddy?"

"…What are you doing up, buddy?"

"I had a bad dream. What are you doing?"

"Cuddling Emily. Head back to bed and I'll be right there, okay?"

"Okay daddy." I heard his footsteps run back up the hall and I let out a breath, easing off him. He was half flaccid now anyway.

"I'm sorry." He said regretfully, kissing me before getting up. He slipped some pyjama pants on and left the room to follow Jack.

This morning I stayed in bed longer than usual; I didn't know if I could look at Jack after he walked in on us last night. I knew he was too young to know what was going on but I still felt guilty.
Hotch was already up with Jack; I could hear them talking quietly, and I could smell chocolate and pancakes cooking. I heard Hotch tell Jack to come and wake me, so I lay back fully and pretended to still be asleep for Jack's benefit.

He jumped on me and yelled out, "Wake up Emmy!" I opened my eyes and sat up, smiling at him. "Daddy make pancakes!" He grabbed my hand and tried to pull me out of bed with him. I almost got up, and then I remembered that I was fully naked.
I held the blanket to my chest and resisted his pull.

"Hold on Jack, you go and I'll be out in a second." I smiled at him again. He ran off then, back out of the room.
I located my panties and slid out of the blankets, putting them on and pulling on a pair of leggings. I put a shirt on and ran my hand through my hair. I stopped by the bathroom, and then finally joined them in the kitchen.
Hotch kissed me and poured out a mug of coffee for me.

"Daddy, why was Emmy naked in your bed?" He looked at his dad. My eyes widened and I looked at Hotch too, a guilty expression.

"Relax," he whispered to me before turning to Jack, "Buddy, lots of people sleep naked. It can just be more comfortable."

"Do you sleep naked?"

He nodded, "Sometimes."

Jack seemed to drop the subject after that. He sipped his juice and looked at the pancakes Hotch was cooking. We sat down at the dining table and ate together. Jack asked to go to the pool today, and Hotch looked to me for an answer.
I didn't give one. Why would that be my decision?
After breakfast, Jack went to play with his toys while we cleaned up.

"Would you like to spend the day with us?" Hotch asked, his arms snaking around my waist from behind me. I leant back into him slightly. "You seemed like you don't want to go to the pool. We can do something else."

"No, I don't mind what we do," I turned in his arms, "I'm happy to go the pool, however I will not be swimming."

"Why not?" He asked curiously.

"Because it's a public pool…"

"So?"

I looked at him again, "So I'm not comfortable swimming at a public pool. I will sit on the side and watch the two of you, and maybe read." He wanted to ask why I wasn't comfortable in a public pool, but I could see he decided against pushing me for a reason and instead made his own assumption.

"I don't think anyone is going to come onto you while you're there with me and a young boy…" He kissed my temple. I just smiled, and then turned back to finish stacking the dishwasher. That wasn't my concern; I could handle men hitting on me in inappropriate settings. What I couldn't handle was having my body on display for judgement. I wasn't big in any sense, but I had curves. I wasn't thin like JJ, and that was what the general public expected of women, a thin physique.

I wasn't ashamed of my body; I knew there were plenty of men that would jump at the chance to see or touch me. Hotch told me constantly how sexy and gorgeous I was. It was more the concern of women, younger and thin themselves, usually. They could get on my nerves with glances at my body, or small whispers shared between them. I wasn't privy to the words, but you can always tell when they're not nice words.

So no, I wouldn't be in a swimsuit and I wouldn't be in the water, but I was more than happy to hang out to read and watch Hotch and Jack.