This is probably where I'm going to go off onto my own tangent and change the way things happened in the show.
I was quiet throughout the week at work, mostly because I couldn't get the thought out of my mind that he would rather I be dead than Haley.
She was his high school sweetheart, ex-wife, and his son's mother. What was I? Just a subordinate whom he developed feelings for somewhere down the track. But that didn't mean that our relationship was as serious as I once thought. People changed like the weather; his feelings may have been diminishing.
We were called out at the end of the week and worked over the weekend. When we got back on Tuesday, I didn't even attempt to visit him and see how he was doing. Clearly, I wasn't helping the situation.
JJ questioned me in the BAU garage what was wrong, and I just told her that things were a little difficult between Hotch and I right now, understandably. She told me to hang in there, that it'd get better. I didn't quite believe it.
When I heard a knock on my door, I expected to find JJ and Garcia on the other side, maybe with wine and pizza or something. Instead, I found a very guilty and exhausted Hotch. I took a second to look at him before I stepped aside and motioned for him to come in.
I went to the kitchen to get a beer out for him, and then thought better of it. He already looked like he may have had a few. Instead, I gave him a glass of water. "Have you eaten anything today?" I asked quietly, breaking the silence since he knocked on the door.
He sighed, "Emily, I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean that I wanted him to go after you. I didn't—"
"It's okay." I cut him off.
"No, it's not, sweetheart. I can see that it's bothering you, and I need to fix it. I wasn't trying to say that I would rather you be killed than her, I was just asking myself why. Why, because I'm not with Haley anymore, I'm with you. Foyet must know that, and I don't understand why he wouldn't come for you if he wanted to punish me."
"Because I'm not the love of your life."
"Yes you are, Emily. Please don't doubt us right now, I can't…" He trailed off, running his hands over his face. He looked so worried and stressed, and then I realised it was because he thought I was questioning our relationship. He was trying to say that he couldn't handle losing me too.
"Aaron, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me to," I took one of his hands in mine, "I love you; you know that. Stay with me tonight."
He shook his head, "I can't. He could be watching me."
"Honey, you are toeing the line of obsession. I understand that you want to catch him and bring your family home, I do. But this isn't how you'll get there," He looked up at me now, "Aaron, you are exerting yourself too much. You're going to miss things both in Foyet's case, and every other case that comes across us, because you can't concentrate. You're burnt out." He looked away, but I saw the tears filling his eyes. I don't think I'd ever seen him cry before.
"Oh, honey," I walked around the counter and hugged him tightly. He seemed to hold onto me pretty tightly, too, "How about we shower and go to bed, okay? You need some rest," he only nodded, "You head upstairs, I'll lock up and meet you in the shower."
He went upstairs slowly, looking so sad. I sighed to myself and made sure all the windows were locked, as well as the balcony door. I closed all the curtains, locked and chained the front door, and then set the alarm. I went upstairs with my phone in hand and put it down on my nightstand. I heard the shower start in the ensuite and stripped off here, throwing my clothes into the hamper.
When I went into the bathroom, I didn't expect just the sight of his naked body to turn me on so much. He was limp, of course, but still. It felt like it had been forever since we had sex last. I took a breath to settle myself down; I would not initiate sex if he was not ready for it, mentally or physically.
I got into the shower with him. I turned around to grab my shampoo, and when I turned back, he was hard. I smiled and tilted my head, looking into his eyes. "Are you okay?"
"I need to ask you a favour."
"Anything." I put the shampoo bottle back.
"I haven't been able to…touch myself since…" He looked away and I saw him swallow hard. "Could you try?"
"Happily," I kissed him gently, "Hand or blow job?" I saw him hesitate and knew he wanted the latter but didn't feel comfortable asking me for it. I smiled and dropped down to my knees. "If you need me to stop, just say the word. You are in complete control, okay? You can make me do whatever you want to." I guided his hand to the back of my head, and I saw him take another breath as he swallowed.
When I began to stroke him, I saw him almost recoil back, but he fought the reaction.
"Look at me. I need you to look at me. I need to know that it's you." He spoke quickly, tugging my hair gently.
I met his eyes and held the contact while I stroked him. I kept my eyes on his as I slowly leaned forward and licked up the underside of him. When my lips closed around him, he pulled me away. I stopped immediately and waited for him to either tell me to get up or keep going.
"I'm sorry." He shook his head.
I stood up and smiled again, "It's okay, Aaron. I understand." I kissed him again, and then grabbed the shampoo again.
He seemed to fall asleep as soon as he hit the bed. He was exhausted, but I liked to think he felt safer here with me.
When I woke up before him this morning, I got up and went downstairs to start some coffee and make him breakfast.
I had only just gotten the bacon into the pan when he came downstairs quickly, fear in his eyes. He let out a relieved breath when he saw me, and he came over and hugged me tightly. "What's wrong?" I asked him quietly, returning his embrace.
"You never wake up before me. When I woke and you weren't there, I panicked."
"I'm sorry," I kissed his cheek and pulled back slightly to look into his eyes, "Coffee?"
We sat down to eat together, and I watched as he picked at his food without really eating much. I wanted to encourage him to eat more, to take care of himself, but I didn't want to push the boundaries.
I cleaned up and he stayed at the dining table, just looking at his hands around his coffee mug.
"So I'm meeting the others at Rossi's this morning…to work on Foyet today. Would you like to come?"
He finally looked at me with questioning eyes, "Foyet? You're all working on him?"
I dropped my head to the side, "Of course we are, Aaron. You are important to all of us, not just me. We want you to be happy, and right now the only way we can help with that is to find him.
"I know that hunting him will be all you do today anyway, so can you do it with us instead of alone, please? It just seems healthier that way." I watched him as he considered my request, and then he finally nodded. "Thank you." I said quieter. I kissed his cheek as I went past him and back upstairs to get changed and get my makeup on.
X
The team was surprised to see Hotch; they all saw how withdrawn and exhausted he was at work. Reid took down the photo of his wounds from the board as soon as he saw him. I wasn't sure if Hotch saw it before he took it down, but I did and I felt nauseous now.
It was awkward at first, like they didn't want to talk about any of this with him here. When he went to get me and himself some coffee, I told them to relax, and that he just wanted help; that we owed him that help.
When he came back, they began to test the waters with going a bit further into detail, and once they saw that he was okay, they went full force.
Early afternoon, Will arrived to help on JJ's request for fresh eyes. Henry was asleep in a travel cot in the next room.
Rossi made homemade pizzas for us when it hit evening, and we put everything away whilst we ate.
JJ expressed that she thought we had made a lot of progress on Foyet today and the others all agreed. I looked at Hotch and saw him already looking at me. "Thank you." He whispered. I just smiled in response.
I wasn't entirely sure what he was thanking me for, but I assumed it would be for making him come today. He seemed to feel a little better that he had the last few weeks. Maybe it was the team's presence, or their help, or maybe he too felt like progress was made.
I steered the conversation away from Foyet and to lighter topics. I wanted to see if we could just make Hotch feel normal again for a little while.
When Henry woke hungry and JJ and Will were both still eating, I went and got him out of the cot for them. I changed him and made a bottle up for him after asking JJ if she wanted me to feed him.
I pretended not to notice Hotch watching me with Henry and pretended I didn't hear Rossi whisper at his side "You're a fool if you think she doesn't want her own". I felt a little mad that he would bring something like that up now of all times, but I wouldn't acknowledge it. I knew that whether I would want kids or not would be the last thing on Hotch's mind right now. All he could think was that he couldn't even look after his existing child as it was, let alone more.
No, now was absolutely not the time to talk about such things. We had been together barely a year anyway, surely it was way too early for that conversation in any circumstance.
When we went home, Hotch asked to stay with me again instead of going home. He then confessed that he felt better at my place; he hadn't been attacked here, he wasn't reminded of Jack's absence here, and I was here.
I showered first and then lay in bed reading while he showered. When he joined me in bed, he placed a few kisses on my lips that soon turned to making out, my book forgotten about.
As soon as my hand slipped under his waistband, he tensed and pulled away.
"Sorry, I'm sorry. I got carried away." I said, sitting up and removing my hands from him altogether.
He dropped his head to rest on my shoulder and let out a breath, "I want to make love to you so badly, Emily."
"It's okay. I'm surviving without it. I've got toys for that right now."
He just shook his head and started kissing me again, almost desperately. He removed my shirt and kissed down my body slowly. Despite my protests, he moved down to between my legs and began working his magic.
He held me still when I involuntarily tried to move away, almost at my peak. He continued to work as I rode out my orgasm, and only moved when I pushed him away gently, becoming too sensitive.
I could see his arousal in his expression, and then suddenly he was inside me. I arched my back at the unexpected intrusion. It was tender due to the orgasm not wearing away yet, but it didn't exactly hurt. He kissed me passionately as he moved.
I came four more times and began to feel the pain before he finally did. It took longer than usual for him, but I assumed it was because this was hard for him to do right now. Most of the time his eyes were on mine, or he was asking me to talk to him so he could hear my voice, or he was kissing me to ground himself more than anything.
Now I lay against his chest, completely spent and sore.
"I'm sorry it took me so long. Are you okay?"
I smiled, "I'm great," I tilted my head up and kissed him, "Thank you…I know that wasn't easy for you," I smiled again when he pressed a kiss to my hair, "I love you."
"I love you too."