It took five days for the cramps and bleeding to stop. Nine days after the hospital visit, I went to my appointment with my OB/GYN and she confirmed that the miscarriage had run its course.
I spent two weeks alone at my apartment. Hotch worked away on one case during the two weeks, but when he was home, he was calling to check on me and ask me to come stay with him or let him stay with me. I kept declining.
The others tried calling me too, but I didn't answer any of them.

I couldn't deal with the fact that I was pregnant, didn't connect the dots on the symptoms, and then lost the baby before I even knew what was happening.
I regretted the choice I made when I was 15, and now my second chance was taken away from me.

Despite what he said, I was convinced that Hotch must hate me for this.
I knew he wanted Jack to have siblings, and I saw the light in his eyes when I told him about the pregnancy in the hospital. He wanted that baby so badly, and I lost it.

I had asked my doctor if there was a reason it happened and she told me that there wasn't. She referred me onto a psychologist and asked me to go as soon as I felt fit to.
I attended my first appointment and mostly just cried after I told her why I was there. She was extremely empathetic and told me that she knew all too well the pain I was in, as she had lost a baby once too.
She encouraged me to return on a fortnightly basis, or weekly if I felt I needed it. She told me to let Hotch back in and to reach out to my team for support.

Now – four days after the psychologist appointment – I received a message that went through to the team's group chat, inviting everyone to Rossi's for lunch tomorrow. I hesitated as I saw them all let him know they would be there. Finally, I texted back and said I'd be there, and then not ten seconds later, my phone rang.

I picked up Hotch's call, "Hey."

"You're going to Dave's tomorrow?" He sounded hopeful.

"Uh, yeah…I assume you are too?"

"Do you want me to stay home? You've been avoiding me."

I let out an unsteady breath, "I just feel so guilty, Aaron. I hate that I lost your baby." Tears welled in my eyes.

"Please let Jack and I come over tonight?" He asked.

I sighed, "I'll come to you."

"Thank you. We're home all day, so come when you can. I love you."

"I love you too." I hung up and closed my eyes. I hadn't seen Jack since he left the hospital with Jessica. I wondered if I could cope being around him, knowing that I lost his sibling, or not getting jealous of Hotch for being a parent when I couldn't be.
I had another mug of coffee before I threw some last-minute things into my go bag, and I headed over to his place.

I sat on the couch with a glass of wine, listening to Hotch tuck Jack in. He told him he loved him, and I heard Jack say it back. I closed my eyes to try and keep the tears back.
Hotch joined me a minute later and he looked at me, "You've been quiet today, especially with Jack…"

The guilt filled me to the brim and I wouldn't meet his eyes, "I have this irrational anger towards you, because you get to be a dad, and I don't get to be a mum. It is so hard being around him right now and it feels…fucking terrible."

He sighed as he squeezed my hand, "This is probably the wrong time to say this, but this wasn't your only chance to be a mother, Emily. When you're ready, we can try again."

I just shook my head. Just the thought of trying to get pregnant ever again made my anxiety spike. "No, never again." I don't think I'd survive another failed pregnancy. "But I know that you want siblings for Jack, so if this means you need to break up with me, can you please just do it now?"

He snickered and shook his head. He pulled me into him and kissed my temple as I settled against his chest, "Never." He whispered. He grabbed the TV remote and put on the first movie he found, and he relaxed back into the couch, running his hand up and down my arm gently.
A little while past before I heard his breath hitch, and he grabbed my hand quickly. I hadn't realised that I had been rubbing my hand around his torso, and clearly got too low. I glanced down and saw he was turned on.

"Sorry," I sat up and looked at him.

"It's okay. I know we will not be having sex for quite some time." He went to get up to deal with it himself, but I put my hand on his chest and stopped him, "Emily…" I slipped onto the floor between his legs and looked at him for permission, my hands on his jeans ready to remove them. "Emily, no…"

"Please?" I met his eyes. I knew he was only saying no because he didn't want me to feel pressured into anything I wasn't ready for. It wasn't like I could get pregnant by giving him head. This was okay. This was safe. He hesitated and looked back down the hall towards Jack's room. I got up quickly and took his head, "In the bedroom, then."

"You don't have to do this." He said once we were closed in the bedroom and I unzipped his pants.

"I know that," I got his jeans and underwear down and then stroked him, "Sit." I knelt between his legs and watched him. Once I began to take him into my mouth, I tried not to smile at the sounds he was making. He ran a hand roughly through my hair and cursed before telling me he loved me. It encouraged me to push past the gag reflex and take all of him in, and then he didn't take much longer to orgasm.

Once I had pulled back and he settled his breathing, he tugged on my hair for me to stand, and he kissed me hard, "Let me return the favour?" He watched me shake my head, "Emily, you can't get pregnant from head…"

"I know that; I just don't want you to expect sex…"

He shook his head and pulled me to the bed gently, making me lay down on my pillow, "I promise you that I will not assume, ask for, or pressure you into sex," He kissed me full and gentle. I sighed into his mouth as his tongue pushed its way into mine. "May I please make you feel good, sweetheart?"

I moaned when his hand ran along the side of my breast, "Your dick stays out of the equation."

"Agreed." He kissed down my body slowly. He held eye contact as he finally reached between my legs and I took in a breath as I dropped my head back and closed my eyes.

I snapped at Jack this morning when I got too irritated, over nothing. Hotch just told me to take a breath and reminded me that this wasn't his fault. I went to the bathroom afterwards and heard Jack ask Hotch in the saddest voice I'd ever heard, if he had done something wrong. Hotch assured him that he didn't and that I was just upset about some things at the moment.
I sat against the door and cried for what felt like forever. Hearing Jack think he was in the wrong made my heart break.
Once I calmed myself down, I snuck out of the bathroom and into Hotch's room, got dressed, and left quickly before he could stop me.

When I arrived at Rossi's place, I sat in my car for a little while and got my breathing under control. I was worried about how I would react to Jack again, and Henry. I was worried that the team would want to talk about it.
They were all here already. Garcia's car wasn't, but I assume she would have made Morgan or JJ pick her up.

I took a deep breath and got out of my car. I locked it behind me and made my way up to the door slowly, just trying to avoid seeing them for as long as I could.
When I was inside, I could hear Jack giggling with Garcia. I had to stop in the foyer and breath through the tears that wanted out.
I heard Hotch's footsteps approaching me and I took a final deep breath before smiling weakly as he came in.

"I'm so sorry for making him feel like he did something wrong this morning."

"It's okay. After you left, he demanded to know what was wrong, so I told him that your baby was in heaven with Haley. He told me that he wants to help you adjust, just like I did for him."

I smiled for real then, "He's the sweetest. I'm sorry I'm not handling this better."

"No one expects you to."

"Still, I'm stronger than this." I shook my head and looked down, motioning to myself.

He kissed my hair and took my hand, "I already told them that you don't want to discuss it, and I told JJ privately that you might be a little distant with Henry or her. She understands why."

I thanked him and kissed him gently, and then he led me into the living room where they all sat. Henry was sitting at Will's side, playing with a few blocks. I took a breath as I looked at the boy and needed to remind myself that resenting any child or parent wasn't going to help my situation and it made me a terrible person.

Jack was across the room and I looked at him when I heard him speak shyly, "Hi Emmy."

I smiled at him to try and show that I wasn't mad at him, "Hey buddy."

He got up from beside Garcia on the floor and walked over. He climbed up beside me on the couch and hesitated, playing with his hands. I knew he wanted to hug me, so I opened my arms and he climbed into my lap quickly, hugging me tightly.
"Daddy told me that your baby is in heaven with mummy. I talked to my mummy before we came here and asked her to take care of him for you."

I fought the tears, kissed his hair, thanked him, and then excused myself to the bathroom. My tears fell before I made it out of the room, so they all knew anyway.
I closed the door behind me and looked at myself in the mirror. I wiped my eyes and washed my face before looking back again. "Stop crying, Emily," I whispered to myself, "Nothing can bring it back. Just accept that and move the fuck on."
I closed my eyes and started trying to move it into the little compartmentalisation boxes in my mind. I didn't want to cry about it anymore, I didn't want to be irrationally angry with Jack or Hotch, or JJ, Will or Henry.

I usually handled my emotions great; I could control everything. This was no different.