After telling myself that I needed to move on, I forced myself to go back to work. Hotch disagreed with me. He argued that I wasn't ready, and that he couldn't risk putting anyone in harm's way because I was distracted and emotional.
I attended a few therapist appointments and went through a psych evaluation. I took the results of both to Hotch and demanded he let me work. He didn't have much of an argument after that.

It caused a little rift between us to begin with, because at work I pushed it all down and away, but at home he saw how it still affected me. He saw that I was distant and silent with both him and Jack. He saw that it still pained me to watch them together. He saw how depressed I was getting.

I was back for two months before another terribly bad day came about. I had spent the night alone in my hotel room in Oklahoma, and I woke up feeling the full force of the guilt and self-hatred. A dream had sparked it, of me having that baby and seeing the joy on Hotch's face as he held the wrapped bundle for the first time.
Only this bad day wasn't like the others; I wasn't just down and guilty. I didn't just hate myself.

This day was like how I felt after my abortion when I was 15.
I didn't want to be alive if my baby wasn't.

I didn't share this with anyone, obviously. I showed to the station like usual and did my best to seem present and alert.

We had already been here three long days studying the murders of pairs of teenage boys. We found the unsub and Morgan and I arrived at his house first. Uniformed officers were right behind us, but the rest of the team wouldn't be here for another ten minutes, so we went ahead with the raid without them.
The issue was, I had no desire to keep myself safe in this situation. I just didn't care.
So when this unsub pointed his gun at me, mine dropped, and I copped three bullets.
Morgan rushed in and shot the unsub, killing him instantly with a head shot. Then he ran to my side and called for medical, pressing his hand to my throbbing chest.

Two of the bullets hit my vest and knocked the breath out of me, and almost the consciousness. The third bullet had just missed the vest and went into the left side of my chest. I felt my vision blurring and Morgan's voice started to sound like I was underwater.

"Stay with me, Princess! Hey, open your eyes! Emily!"

I closed my eyes anyway, but I wasn't out yet. I could hear sirens pulling up and I wasn't sure if it was the rest of the team or the ambulance. I hoped not the ambulance yet; I needed more time to bleed out.

I heard paramedics asking me to open my eyes and asking me to tell them my name. I didn't respond and I left my eyes resting closed. I felt the oxygen mask press to my face and a painful, intense pressure where the bullet hit. They lifted me onto a gurney and took me out to the ambulance. I could feel Morgan holding my hand the entire way.
It hurt when they put me up into the ambulance. The jolt lit a renewed fire in my chest. I groaned and I heard one of the paramedics apologise to me.

Still, Morgan's hand held onto mine.

When I woke in the hospital, I felt the bubble in my throat as tears filled my eyes. I tried to blink them away and I took in a deep breath; it hurt like a bitch. I opened my eyes when I felt a hand squeeze mine and met JJ's eyes. "Hey there." She smiled. I tried to take another deep breath and squeezed my eyes at the pain. "Try to keep your breathing steady. The bullet ricocheted and just clipped your lung. Not too much damage caused, but a lot of pain, I'd imagine…" She stopped speaking when she heard the door open to the room. She smiled at me and then touched Hotch's shoulder briefly as she left the room.

He took her seat and looked at me for a few seconds. "Do you remember what happened? You hit your head when you fell." I just nodded in response. "So do you want to tell me why you lowered your weapon?" He stared right into my eyes and I could tell that he already knew the answer to that. My tears broke through then, falling down my cheeks while I held my sobs back.

His eyes shone with tears too, but I knew he would never let them fall. A sob ripped through me when I finally spoke, "I'm so sorry." I shook my head. He stood and hugged me. My chest burned as I tried to catch my breath. I buried my head into his chest and held onto him tightly.

"As your boss, I am keeping your gun and credentials for the time being. You need to attend a minimum of six therapist appointments, and be honest there…" He pulled back and looked at me again, "Once you're cleared, you will be reinstated and supervised in the field by Dave.
"As your partner…Emily, I need you to move on from this. I cannot lose you too. I want you to stay with me while you're off work."

"I don't need—"

"Emily, I don't trust you to be safe on your own right now." He cut me off. Those words hurt. He didn't trust me, but I guess that was understandable considering what just happened. "Please let me take care of you."

I felt angry with him for no real reason. I pulled my hand from his and looked at him, "How are you so okay with losing our child?"

He was taken aback, "How am I "okay"? Emily, you know I went to therapy about it, you know that I still get upset over it. But we need to move forward, sweetheart. We can't stay stuck here for the rest of our lives."

I took a deep breath, winced, and then looked at him again, "When can I go home?"

"They said another day or two." His hand held mine tightly, his thumb softly stroking the top of my hand. I let my body relax back into the pillows and looked at him for a few seconds before I closed my eyes. I felt his lips press to my forehead, "I am so glad you're alive." He whispered. I squeezed his hand briefly, and then I tried to listen to only my breathing and not the millions of thoughts rushing through my head.
I wanted to sleep for the rest of my stay here.

When we returned home, I went straight to bed at Hotch's place and proceeded to stay there for the next four days. I got up only to go to the bathroom or shower. I left the curtains closed and the lights off. He brought me food, coffee, water, and I barely touched any of it.

This morning, he saw that I was awake when he came back from the bathroom and he spoke, "You need to get out of bed today." I didn't respond, I just stared at him. "You know this isn't healthy, Emily. It's Saturday and I don't need to go into the office. Let's take Jack for a picnic lunch at the park."

"You go. I'll be fine on my own." I rolled over to face away from him. I heard him sigh and then his footsteps approached the bed. He pulled the covers off the bed completely so I couldn't pull them back up. He went and opened the curtains, and then he looked at me. I winced as the sunlight gave me a headache.

"Get up, Emily."

"NO, Aaron!" I yelled at him. It clearly upset him, because he walked out the room and slammed the door closed behind him.
I could hear Jack's voice out in the living room and knew he would be asking why I was cooped up in here for days now. At first Hotch had told him that I was sick, and he couldn't come in because then he might get sick. This time, I heard Hotch say that I was sad.

I fell back asleep for a while, and woke to Hotch crouching beside the bed, "I'm taking Jack to the park. Please come with us?" He brushed some hair behind my ear as he spoke. I didn't respond, I just rolled over.
Once I heard them leave, I got up and grabbed my go-bag, and then I left too.

When I got home to my apartment, I dropped my things on the couch and went straight upstairs. I went into the guest room and stared at the desk, bed, dresser, and the artwork on the walls.
I had created an image in my head on what this room would have looked like if I hadn't lost the baby. Now, being in the room made me sad and angry.

I went across the hall to my room and undressed down to my underwear, struggling with my left arm. I got into bed, turned my phone off, and tried to go back to sleep.
I was unsuccessful, however. I cried for about an hour, and then spent another hour just staring at the wall.

I wasn't overly surprised when I heard the front door open and close downstairs. I listened to his footsteps ascend the staircase. I left my eyes on the wall when he entered the room. He just sighed, slipped his sweater off, and climbed into bed behind me. I tensed when I felt his arm wrap tightly around me, and felt it loosen again immediately.
"…Is this okay?" He asked me quietly. I only nodded. He tightened his arm again, pulling me closer to him. "Why did you leave? I was so worried."

"You're mad at me." I whispered. He sighed and I spoke again before he could. "I'm sorry for everything. For not noticing the symptoms, for losing the baby, for pushing you away, for lowering my weapon…"

"It's okay, sweetheart," He kissed my hair, "Why did you lower it? I need to hear it from you."

Tears fell freely from my eyes, and I rolled over onto my back, holding his hand on my stomach, "I woke up that morning into a really bad day. I didn't want to be alive if our baby wasn't. I had the same sort of day a few months after my abortion all those years ago, too. I thought about telling you, about asking you to let me be "sick" that day and stay at the hotel, but I didn't want you to know because then all your arguments would have been right.
"When Morgan and I went into that house, I just didn't care."

"And now?"

"Now is still bad, but I don't need to die. I'm embarrassed and ashamed, and scared that my career is over, but I'm okay."

"Your career is fine. I didn't tell Strauss that it was intentional. I just said you need more time off; she has suffered her own miscarriage before…twice. She's sympathetic. She even asked that I come to her if we need anything. I need you to let the BAU go for a little while and focus on you. Once you've healed physically and emotionally, your job will be there for you."

I rolled over to straddle him and kissed him, almost desperately. "I love you so much."

He returned the kiss just as fully, "I love you too."

"Where is Jack?"

"Jessica's."

I kissed him again and ground down on his growing bulge. I dropped my hand down to cup him through his jeans. I wasn't okay with vaginal sex yet, but there were other options.