I had spoken to Hotch about transferring soon rather than after our wedding. He wasn't thrilled with the idea, so he promised to talk to Morgan and try to get things resolved between them. He said that the team was hit hard enough when they realised that I would be leaving, and that we couldn't take that remaining time away from them.
I understood where he was coming from, but the team needed to work efficiently to catch the bad guys, and if my presence hindered that efficiency then I would need to leave.

Alas, I promised in return to stay at least a couple more cases before I made the decision.
This morning, I had to wake up an hour earlier than usual because of an early therapist appointment before work. Unfortunately, I also woke into a bad day.
Jack was already up, but only came out of his room when he heard me on the staircase. He followed me down and asked if I could make him a bacon sandwich for breakfast. I tried my best to stay present and talk to him while I prepared his breakfast, and I poured him some orange juice.

While he ate in front of the TV in the living room, I went upstairs with a mug of coffee and snuck through to the ensuite. I had a quick shower and then stood in front of the mirror to moisturise and apply my makeup.
When I was about done, the door opened and I met Hotch's eyes in the mirror. He smiled, "Good morning, sweetheart." I just gave a weak smile but dropped my eyes. He stopped undressing to get in the shower and looked at me again, "Are you okay?"

I hesitated and met his eyes briefly before speaking fast and quiet, "Bad day. I'm running late." I turned and tried to leave the room, but he caught my arm, "Aaron…"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"That's what therapy is for."

"Emily, you—"

"Really, I'm late. I already made Jack breakfast. I love you." I pressed a kiss to his cheek and then shook his arm off.

I dressed quickly and holstered my gun onto my hip. I went downstairs and kissed Jack's hair in the living room, "I've got to go. Dad is just in the shower. Love you." I said quickly to him.

"Love you Emmy." He said absentmindedly, his eyes glued to the cartoon on the screen.

I knew he wasn't paying attention, but it still meant a lot to me to hear him say that. He could pronounce 'Emily' fine now; I heard him say it properly on several occasions. I expected 'Emmy' to irritate me, but I just found it endearing coming from him.

I left quickly to find that my car wouldn't start. "Fuck." I exclaimed and hit the steering wheel in front of me out of frustration. I got out of the car and called a cab. I waited outside for it, and thankfully it didn't take too long, and then I left.

When I arrived at the therapist's office, my phone rang. I contemplated ignoring Hotch's call, but it could be a case. I held the phone to my ear, "Case?"

"No. Where are you?"

"Therapist's office. You know I have an appointment this morning."

"Your car is still home?"

"It wouldn't start, so I called a cab," The therapist called for me, "I've got to go." I hung up and followed her through to the familiar room.

Once the forty-five minutes were up, I left the room and paid for my appointment. I went outside and spotted Hotch's car before I had a chance to dial for a cab. I opened my phone's camera and looked at myself. I tried to wipe the tears away without smudging my mascara any more than it already was, but it was too obvious. I sighed and walked to his car and got into the passenger seat. "You didn't need to pick me up."

"Happy to," He looked at me and his face fell into a frown, "You look miserable. What can I do?"

"Drive to work…" I looked out the window and relaxed back into the seat. He started the car and pulled out of the lot, but I could feel that something bothered him. "What's wrong?"

He sighed, "I want you to feel comfortable enough and trust me enough to talk to me about your bad days. You were dismissive when I asked this morning, but Emily, we're getting married. We need to be able to talk about everything with each other. That includes the bad stuff."

"I am comfortable with you, and I do trust you; it's just hard for me to do that. You've always known that I struggle to talk about things."

"I'll help you. Let's start with what kind of bad day. Miscarriage, Doyle, did Jack say something when you saw him this morning?"

I smiled, "Jack has been great the last few days. He told me he loved me this morning when I was leaving. It's not Ian."

"…So, miscarriage?"

I sighed, "I don't know. Yes, but I don't know why. I thought I did, but talking to her about it this morning really left me confused on what the bad days are really about."

He looked confused, "Can you expand?" He pulled up in the parking lot and we got out of the car.

"If there's no case, I'll tell you tonight." I pressed a quick kiss to his lips, and then we maintained a professional distance on our way inside, through security, and up to the sixth floor.

Just my luck, we did catch a case. I was glad; I really didn't know how to explain the bad day situation to him. It was too confusing for me right now.
We were called to Houston, Texas, for an extremely violet serial killer. He beat his victims, brutally raped them to a point of a medical emergency, and stabbed them. They were all left to bleed out.
Once there, we worked almost around the clock, only catching a couple hours sleep here and there, and usually at different times so there was always a member of the team working.

When we were finally flying home, I ditched the professional façade and sat beside Hotch. I wrapped a blanket around us and snuggled into his side. He rested his arm around me to hold me to him, and I slept against his chest for most of the flight. No one seemed to mind.
When I woke, I had looked at Morgan across from us. He had just met my eyes and smiled. He either didn't mind, or he was trying hard not to show that he did.

I wondered if I needed to talk to him further. We had both made it very clear in the past that the times when we slept together, were just two trusted friends helping each other relax or forget or something. It was never romantic. We always agreed that no feelings could get involved, and that if they did, we needed to stop and tell the other. That had never happened.
Of course, I had made the same deal with Hotch. The difference was that I developed feelings for him as well, whereas I never felt anything more than a childish crush for Morgan. It made me feel guilty, and that guilt was amplified when I thought about the fact that I was engaged to Hotch and should not feel guilty over not having feelings for someone else.
I had spoken to my therapist about it a little bit, and she said to give things some time to settle back into our usual rhythm.

When we got home, we picked Jack up, made a quick dinner and ate at the dining table together. I cleaned up while Hotch got Jack ready for bed. Soon after he was in bed, I showered and was in bed as well.
Hotch joined me about an hour later, having just finished off some urgent paperwork to give to Strauss first thing in the morning.

When he got into bed, he pressed a kiss to my bare shoulder and then wrapped his arm around my waist. I intertwined my fingers through his on my stomach and smiled when I heard him whisper that he loved me.

I had only been asleep for about an hour before I woke up to a panicked Jack. "It was a bad dream." Hotch whispered to his son who was sitting on the bed, hugging his dad. I mustn't have woken up as soon as he came in.

"No! He's out there, go look!" Jack exclaimed. The fear in his voice was real and hurt my heart to hear.

"Who is?" I asked, sitting up.

"There's a clown outside my window." He said, looking at me.

I glanced at Hotch, "Well…are you going to go look for him?"

He looked at my incredulously, "Why don't you?"

"Daddy is scared of clowns." Jack interrupted.

"How did I not know that?" I threw the covers off and put my robe on as I walked around towards the door. "Garcia is too, although she has a good reason…" I went into Jack's room, looked around, and opened his window to look outside. I hung around a little longer so that Jack would trust I had a thorough look before returning to the master bedroom, "No clown, Jack. I promise."

"…Can I stay in here?" He asked quietly. Hotch glanced at me.

"Of course you can." I returned to my side of the bed and laid back down. Hotch laid back down too and Jack settled between us.

Hotch took my car into the shop to be repaired on the weekend that we had returned home. He hadn't mentioned the bad day confusion at all, which I hoped meant he had forgotten.
This week I had another appointment. I didn't leave quite as confused, but more worried and almost fearful.
I had received my fertility results, but I wasn't sure what to do with that information.

The Tuesday evening, I was going to talk to Hotch about it, but that had to be postponed due to Jack having a bad day and demanding Hotch's attention. That was okay, I could just bring it up the next night.

Wednesday morning, that idea was squashed when Reid spoke to us in the conference room and asked for our help to find Maeve, his girlfriend. We all promised to help, obviously.
I think we were all a little shocked when Reid chose me to sort through his conversations with Maeve; he hadn't really been the same with me since Ian, and it was clear to everyone that we weren't nearly as close as we were beforehand. I had expected he would choose JJ or Morgan, but I was happy to do it.

It broke my heart hearing it all from him. I knew he was with her after a situation with a phone booth on a case a month or so back, but I didn't know the extent.

It took us almost the entire day to find Maeve, and then we watched the scene play out with little control. We weren't quick enough to react, and Reid had to watch the woman he loved die right in front of him.
I saw the tears down his cheeks as JJ inspected his arm with tears of her own. Medics came in once the scene was deemed safe, and then I needed to get out. I left the building and stood outside against one of our SUVs.

I stood here silently as I watched Morgan and JJ come down with Reid, his arm now bandaged up. Morgan asked if I wanted to come with them and I just shook my head in response. I stepped forwards and hugged Reid tightly, and then I let them take him home.

I waited almost another hour before Hotch and Rossi had finished with the scene and came down. We went back to the precinct and then Hotch drove us home.
When we finally got home, Jack was already asleep and Jessica said goodbye before leaving.

"Are you hungry?" Hotch asked as he came into the living room where I sat on the couch. I shook my head. "Are you okay?" I shook my head again. He sighed, "Reid is going to be okay."

"If I watched you die right in front of me, I can confidently say that I would never be okay again."

He sighed again and sat down beside me, pulling me into him. I held onto him tightly and closed my eyes when I felt his lips press to my temple, "It wasn't me, Emily. Reid lost someone he loved and that is devastating, and he is going to need everyone's support…but we are fine."

"I love you." I said simply.

"I love you too, sweetheart. Now for the worst topic change I can muster…are you ready to talk about the bad day the other week?"

It was my turn to sigh, "I'm not ready. We talked about it again this week but it didn't really resolve anything in my mind. Is it okay if I wait until I understand before I talk to you about it?"

"You can talk to me whenever you are ready."

"Thank you. Are you hungry?" I asked. He shook his head. "Do you want to go to bed?" He nodded this time. "Are you tired?"

"Exhausted."

"…So you don't want to make love to me? It's not like today of all days has creepily made me want to have sex…I just need to be close to you. Cuddling here isn't really doing the job for me tonight."

He chuckled lightly and got up. He held his hand out and I took it. He guided me upstairs, turning lights out as we went, and then he laid me on the bed gently, and took my clothes off carefully.
When he finally kissed me, the fears of losing him slowly slipped away.