Author's Note: Thank you for all of your reviews! I'm really enjoying writing this story. You might have noticed that on this story I'm actually naming my chapters (which I don't always do), and this time they are all Christmas Carols. I always wondered what I Saw Three Ships meant, so here's what I found. from wiki - The reference to three ships is thought to originate in the three ships that bore the purported relics of the Biblical magito Cologne Cathedralin the 12th century.[2]Another possible reference is to Wenceslaus II, King of Bohemia, who bore a coat of arms "Azure three galleys argent".[4]Another suggestion is that the ships are actually the camels used by the Magi, as camels are frequently referred to as "ships of the desert". Thanks for reading! Have a wonderful Holiday season!
Chapter 3 - I Saw Three Ships
Rhett was true to his word and arranged for the children to see the harbor. When Scarlett found her way to the dining room, she saw that everyone else had arrived at the table before her. Ella was bouncing in her chair. Scarlett walked behind her seat, and smoothed her hair from her face. "Sit still, Ella," she chastised gently, in a voice so soft that only Ella could hear.
Ella grinned as her mother pulled up the chair beside her and sat down, "But Mother, I'm so excited. Uncle Rhett is taking us to see the boats, and he might let us go out on a boat. I've never been on a boat. I've never seen the ocean, and did you see, the ocean is right out there." She pointed to the front of the house. "He says that the house is on the Battery, I don't what the Battery is, but it means that we can watch ships all day long. We can even watch them from the windows in our rooms. We're that close to the ocean. I'd never seen the ocean before, but it is right there. And there is a park just beside us. I'm so excited I could almost burst!"
"Ella, please focus on your breakfast. You'll need the energy to walk around with Uncle Rhett." Scarlett added a pastry to her plate from the array spread across the table, and the maid brought her a cup of coffee, to which she added a little cream and a little sugar.
Ella hastily drank some milk and ate another bite of the pastry, leaving a milk moustache and a smattering of flaky crumbs on her face. "Uncle Rhett, did Bonnie play at the park when she visited with you?"
Scarlette noticed the grimace that flickered briefly across his face at the mention of Bonnie. It was inevitable, and she'd grown desensitized to Ella's constant mentions of Bonnie, but she didn't know if Rhett would fare as well. "Ella, darling did you get something for everyone on your Christmas list?" Scarlett questioned to distract the child.
"No, I still need to buy you something, Mother. Should I get Bonnie something? We could take it and leave it for her when we get home. I don't want her to feel left out. No one wants to be forgotten, especially at Christmas time." Ella shoved the last bite in her mouth. "Mother, can I be excused? I forgot something in my room. I want to take it with us."
"May I be excused." Scarlett corrected. "And yes, you may. Get your coat. It's warmer here than in Atlanta, but I'd rather you not catch a cold."
Ella slipped from her chair and skipped to the doorway, and then seeming to think better of it, came running back and ran around the table doling out a kiss to all of the adults. She saved her mother for last and hugged her tightly and then kissed her cheek. "I'll be right back."
Wade also asked to be excused and hurried up the stairs, leaving Rhett, Scarlett, and Evelyn at the table. Scarlett's brow furrowed in the concern she had been trying to hide."Rhett, I'm sorry. I didn't think to warn you, Ella still talks about Bonnie like she is still here. That can't be easy, I know how it stings to hear her name, especially when you aren't expecting it."
"It is fine, Scarlett. She's dealing with her grief and understanding of the situation the best she can. I can't be upset with a child for that, especially when she lost Bonnie as much as I did."
"She does understand that Bonnie is gone, I just don't think she quite understands the finality of death. I've tried to explain it to her, but I don't want…"
"Scarlett , I told you, it's fine. I'll be fine with it. She's just a little girl. I'm glad that she didn't quite grasp the concept yet." Rhett drank the last bit of his coffee and rose from the table, "if you'll excuse me ladies, I need to also grab things from my study." Turning towards his estranged wife, "Is there anything I can retrieve for you from the bedroom while I am up?"
"No, thank you though. I came to breakfast prepared, since I assumed I was the last one to the table," Scarlett responded with a smile. "I knew I was talking too long getting ready."
Once Rhett had departed, Evelyn addressed Scarlett. "Are you feeling better this morning?"
"Yes," Scarlett assured her, as she took another drink of coffee. "I needed time to adjust. Those children looked so much like Bonnie and the baby that they could have been ours. There were times I thought that I was hallucinating them."
"I know that we as a society try to avoid talking about these things, but we shouldn't. It is a ridiculous practice. I don't know how much Rhett had told you about me, but I lost a baby before I had Rosemary. Rhett wasn't very old then, so it has been a while. He may not remember much about it. But still to this day, I think about what she would look like and what she would have been like. A mother never forgets her children, even when you don't get to hold them for long or at all." Evelyn poured herself another cup of coffee and added some cream and sugar, and then offered more to Scarlett. "Rhett didn't even mention that you were expecting when he was here two years ago, and if I had known I would have sent him home sooner. Bonnie needed you. Little girls need their mother, and to think that you'd have so little time left with her."
"He didn't know about the baby until he came home, and then I had my accident. I try not to dwell on it, and most of the time I stay busy enough to avoid thinking of it. I don't even think he cared much about the miscarriage." Scarlett swallowed, wishing she'd not said anything, least of all to Rhett's mother criticizing him.
"Rhett has never been one to share his emotions, especially after he and his father started butting heads when Rhett became a teenager. He had always been such a good boy, but he was so bull-headed, and his father, God rest his soul, was equally stubborn. They were at an impasse for years." Evelyn paused, "He has tried so hard to keep it together since your daughter's death, but he's failing. He thinks that he is hiding it from me, but I can tell how much he is struggling. He needs you in his life, and I can tell that you need him. Far be it from me to meddle in his relationships, but someone needs to do something."
Scarlett stared into her coffee cup, unsure of how best to respond. Her presence in Charleston felt very tenuous, and she didn't wish to make Rhett more uncomfortable or stir up his ire. Best to make this time as pleasant as possible.
"Rhett still loves you. Sometimes grief buries everything, and I know he is still struggling. But I think that you've been carrying all of the burdens and all of the blame for a long time. And yes, I was separated from him for a long time, but if I know anything about him, it was always almost impossible for him to admit to a fault, accept any blame, or say he was sorry. I tried so hard to teach him those things when he was small, but even as a toddler he was as stubborn as he still is. That was one of the many struggles that he had with his father. Rhett would never bend, even when caught red-handed. His father was too harsh with him, but I think his father thought that eventually he would instill that into Rhett. It never happened. In fact, I think he only made the issues worse."
"Mother, are you ready to go?" Ella trilled from the doorway. "Uncle Rhett says if you don't hurry up then we are leaving you. We're going to explore the city without you, and he's going to take me shopping, and buy me all of the candy…"
Her exposition was cut off as Rhett came behind her and swooped her up in his arms, "Buy you all the candy?" he quizzed with some of the first laughter she'd seen in his eyes in months. "You don't need more candy, but I can't tell if it's because you're already rotten or because you're sweet enough already…" he turned her upside down, as she shrieked with laughter.
Then he began tickling her, while she was in a completely defenseless position. "Rescue me, Mother. Save me from Uncle Rhett." Ella pleaded as she giggled.
"I don't think that I can save you from him. He's the dreaded pirate Black Guard.' Scarlett replied, playing along. She rose from the seat and joined them, "but I think that I can save him from you trying to buy out the candy store at the market."
Wade walked joined them as Rhett released Ella and then opened the door for them to venture out onto the piazza. "Are we all ready to go?" Rhett questioned.
"I'm so excited!" Ella squealed. "I can't wait to see everything!"
Wade smiled indulgently at his sister, but there was anticipation on his face as well. Neither Wade nor Ella had traveled much aside from trips to Tara. Wade had gone on one trip to New Orleans soon after Rhett and Scarlett married, but that was the extent of his travels. Everything about being in Charleston was exciting to the pair.
"Your mother's house is beautiful, Rhett." Scarlett complimented, trying to find a safe topic. "I didn't realize how close it was to the water. It is almost surrounded on three sides."
"I was able to buy it for her after Father died. They lost the plantation in the war, and they lost the house I grew up in soon after. Father put everything he had on the line for the war effort. But I was able to buy this house for a good price because the city had purchased it and planned to demolish it on two different occasions, but it was spared both times. The first time it was going to be demolished as they were filling in the land to enlarge the park, and then it was very nearly demolished during the war. Most of the old families didn't have the money to save it right after the war, and since I did, it seemed like an easy decision. Since my family had owned a house on the battery, society seemed to be willing to turn a blind eye to my ill-gotten gains purchasing the house - under the guise that it was purchased with my father's life insurance money." He led them out to the street, where he turned right and started walking to the park which was as close as Ella had claimed. She ran ahead of them, her gray and black dress flying around her. Neither parent was willing to scold her for being a child, when society expected her to be as mired in grief and mourning as the rest of them. "Look Uncle Rhett! There are ships out on the water! Look at that one over there! And that one!
Even Wade seemed excited about watching the boats as they made their way across the water, sliding across the glassy surface.
It was the height of irony that the loss of her sister seemed to set her free. She had always been a giddy child, and Scarlett had made no secret of her frustration at her inability to stay at a single task, but she was a sweet and affectionate child. And that sweetness had been a soothing balm to a weary and wounded soul. Ella had not been a pretty baby, and she still wasn't as naturally charming as her younger sister. But Ella's sweetness and her almost elfin face would make her popular nonetheless.
Rhett led them through the park, the cool, salty breeze sweeping through the trees. "This is White Point Garden. Because of this park, the house was almost destroyed. But it was saved, thankfully." He continued the tour to the retaining wall that held the waters back from the city, and then they continued on down the street.
Scarlett was mesmerized by the water; it was no wonder that Rhett was so drawn to the seas. Somehow it almost seemed to bring everything into perspective. It was also completely understandable that his mother's house, sitting where it was so close to the water, could bring him a little peace. She imagined opening the windows and allowing the sounds of the water to soothe her to sleep.
Finally they arrived at King Street Market, where there were various vendors set up to sell their wares and small shops with everything they could possibly imagine. Though the time had elapsed for her to be able to shop again and not be hidden behind the black mourning veil, she almost wanted to retreat back to the house. She particularly was struck when a kind, older lady came up and embraced Rhett and asked where his darling daughter was. Rhett's face blanched white at the question, and Scarlett reached up and grabbed his hand and squeezed it. Ella quickly filled in the silence, "She went to heaven."
And the lady turned away and left them alone. "Rhett, I think I need to go back to the house," Scarlett interjected. "You can take the children down to see the ships. I know that they would love it, but I need to get back to the house." She hated dealing with the questions about Bonnie, but she also wanted to save him from them. She was reminded of what Mammy had once told her that men folks didn't deal with loss as well as women, and as close as Rhett was to Bonnie, it was no wonder. Wasn't part of the idea of the mourning clothes to visibly let people know to give them space, even Ella's less severe clothes was still obviously mourning dress.
The incident had put a damper on shopping, and the four returned to the house shortly. After a quick meal, Rhett left with the children to go see the ships, leaving Scarlett to find something to occupy her time. By the time they returned, Scarlett had unpacked her trunks and placed her clothes in line with Rhett's own. It was a good thing that Scarlett had brought a limited wardrobe for the holiday. Rhett had enough clothes to fill the room. There was a reason that the closets in their Atlanta home had been custom sized to accommodate both of their clothes collections.
Since the family was still in mourning, they were not allowed to attend social gatherings or spectacles. Though it was convenient for her, because Scarlett still didn't feel like facing people. They pried too much. They asked too many questions. And they only made things worse.
Ella was chattering non-stop as soon as she stepped into the house. "Uncle Rhett did buy me candy, Mother." She smiled, "but look, Mother, I brought you some candy too. It is your favorite, lemon drops."
"Ella, I thought that the candy was supposed to be a secret." Rhett chided, though he was smiling at her.
"I forgot," Ella laughed and then popped a peppermint candy in her mouth. "Do you want a piece too, Uncle Rhett?"
"No, Ella. thank you, though." He chuckled. "You and Wade need to go upstairs and get ready for supper. You cannot be late for the meal, and you musn't make Grandmother wait for you." Both children ran up the stairs, Wade pushing past Ella, just to be the first one up.
"Did they behave well for you?" Scarlett asked, as Rhett hung his hat up.
"Of course, they acted perfectly. Ella has really come out of her shell," he observed.
"She's been spending time with the tutor, and she has started piano lessons," Scarlett explained. "She practices in the evenings with me, since we aren't going out."
"I'll rent a piano for her to practice on. Did you bring her sheet music?" he checked.
"That would be wonderful," Scarlett enthused. "I don't want her to forget how to play while we're here. She really seems to enjoy the music. And it makes the house a little more pleasant to have music to listen to, even if it is the simple songs she can play."
"You play too. I remember you playing and singing during the war. You could entertain them," Rhett reminded her.
"And I do, but Ella is so proud of every new song that I hate to play when she enjoys it so."
"I'll go wash up before supper," Rhett returned. "I have something to talk to you about this evening once we're in our room."
"Of course," Scarlett replied, trying to hide the anxiety in her voice. There was nothing more terrifying than Rhett needing to talk to her. It was probably the divorce. He probably had agreed to invite her for the holiday only to secure their divorce. That was why he could be so pleasant, he'd already determined a course of action to remove her from his life.
Supper began with a lovely she-crab soup. It was creamy, decadent, and just a little sweet. And as much as Scarlett wanted to enjoy it, she couldn't. Her stomach was in knots in anticipation of her conversation with Rhett.
"Was the soup not to your liking?" Evelyn queried. "I specifically wanted you to have some she-crab soup. It is one of the most well known Charlestonian specialties."
"It was lovely," Scarlett assured her. "I just don't have much of an appetite."
Rhett snorted, "when have you ever lacked an appetite? I recall you scraping the dishes on our honeymoon. I don't actually know how you stay so thin." There was scorn there and anger, and Scarlett tried to ignore it.
"Rhett, tell me which of the ships you showed the children today," his mother interrupted, diverting his sudden bout of anger.
Scarlett smiled in relief at her mother in law, as Rhett turned his attention from her. Clearly he wasn't going to completely avoid biting words. Scarlett tried to pay attention to the conversation, but she was so dreading the evening to come that she missed the next question directed towards her. "I'm sorry," she demurred. "Could you repeat that?'
"Of course dear," Evelyn returned. "The children have told me what they want for Christmas, but I'm afraid I don't know what I can get you. What would you like?"
"I don't need anything. I just want this year to be over. And forget that it ever happened."
The conversation continued around her, but she took no pleasure from what she was certain was an excellent meal. Finally, at last the meal was over. She led the children up to the third floor and readied them for bed. She read Ella several stories, helping her to sound out words that she was struggling with and tucked them both in. And finally she descended to the bedroom she temporarily shared with Rhett, squaring her shoulders for the confrontation to come.
She slipped into the room and began preparing for bed; she impatiently unbuttoned her dress and slipped off layers until she was down to her corset. She was trying to twist around and loosen the laces to release the busk, when she felt Rhett's hands bat her hands away. She hadn't even realized when he had entered the room. "Would you ask for help instead of contorting yourself into a human pretzel?" he chided.
"I didn't want to bother you," she admitted. "There is already enough tension between us, and I don't want to add to it. And I didn't want to bother your mother's maid, either."
"Then just talk to me," he insisted.
"Because talking to you always ends so well for me," she huffed. She turned to face him, releasing the busk so that she was in only her shift. His face wasn't mocking, and she decided to try and be civil. "Fine, I will try to ask for help when I need it, and I will try and talk to you about things. You said that you wanted to talk to me about something tonight, anyway."
"Yes, I wanted to discuss Wade." Rhett returned. "He is being awfully quiet, even for him. Ella chatters constantly, but it is like pulling teeth to get a simple answer from him."
"He's no better with me. And I've tried. I've made inroads with Ella, and things are going well with her. I can't say that he is ever rude or disrespectful, but he is always watching and aware. He's seen too much, and I don't know how to fix that." Scareltt admitted. "You probably think it is because of how poor a mother I am. But he is going to school. His grades are good. He's smart, kind, and helpful. But he just isn't saying much, and he seems so sad."
Rhett nodded at the information, "we're all sad. It is no wonder that he is too."
Scarlett stepped into the closet and slipped into her nightgown. She grabbed her hairbrush and sat on the bed and began the nightly process of brushing out her hair. Scarlett watched Rhett as he also prepared for bed, eventually slipping into his robe and stepping out onto the porch that connected the two main bedrooms of the house. He held a cigar in his hand and lit it, the warm glow in the dark, and the sweet smoky smell drifting into the room. Scarlett climbed into bed and waited, for surely there was more to the conversation than Rhett had already brought up. The smell of the cigar reminded her of the time before Bonnie, before everything in their marriage had deteriorated, to when things were new and fresh and full of hope. She started to drift asleep, when she felt the mattress dip to the other side as Rhett climbed into bed beside her. "I still need to talk to you about something else."
She was instantly alert. The shoe was about to drop. Her stomach clenched. "I've been talking to my lawyer, trying to understand what options I have. And I've been informed that divorce is not an option, not in South Carolina. I'd have to travel quite a ways to be able to secure one on my own, though if you want to divorce me, you'd have a better chance at proving my disloyalty in our marriage. And you would have reasonable grounds as a resident of Georgia. Unfortunately, there was never any proof of your infidelity. It was always just rumors," he finished.
"Because there never was any infidelity. Nothing happened while we were married," she sputtered.
"Yes, I know, you claim to have never stepped out on our marriage, but according to the Biblical definition, you were certainly committing adultery in your heart and mind," Rhett countered. "And I notice that 'nothing happened while we were married', but something did happen before we married?"
"I was a fool. I regret it, but when I went to him for help when the taxes were due on Tara, we kissed, nothing more… I realize that he was married at the time, but you know how desperate I was. I came to you and offered to be your mistress to save Tara," she offered in explanation. "Don't act like you're blameless in this mess."
"Then why would you cling to a marriage that is such a mess?" He raised an eyebrow.
"You are impossible, she retorted. "Why do I love you? Maybe this is part of the reason that it took me so long to figure it out. Sometimes, I wish that I didn't. I didn't realize that I loved you or that you loved me until Melly pointed it out," she huffed. "How was I supposed to know? How was I supposed to move one? You never let me see that you loved me, and I clung to my childhood obsession with Ashley Wilkes. He was one of the only things that remained from my life before the war, and I couldn't see that he had changed or that I'd never really been able to see him for what he was," she said, twisting the sheets in her hands. "I wasn't trying not to love you, and I didn't know that you loved me. I thought that you only wanted me as a pet. I didn't understand why you wanted to marry me, other than you wanted me in your bed. But then, when I was foolish enough to ask for separate bedrooms, you relinquished that as though it was of no consequence."
"I didn't want to give you the power to know that you'd hurt me. And what would you call that architectural abomination that you call home, If not a symbol of how much I loved you? I stayed in Atlanta to protect you during the siege. Why do you think I spent so much time there during the war? It wasn't because of the friendly people or the fabulous cuisine of a town under siege. I waited for you daily to ride with you to the mills to keep you safe, while watching you grow with another man's child in your belly," he countered.
"I didn't understand. You were my best friend, and it seemed like much of the time my only real friend. There were times that I wondered if you loved me and times that I thought that I loved you, but then you'd be so nasty that I knew that I was wrong. No one could be so horrible and mean to the person that they love."
"I was protecting myself from you. I didn't want to be vulnerable. You destroy those you love."
Scarlett climbed from the bed to escape him, "you've said that before, but you're wrong. I've dragged my body through the mud for those I loved. I dug through the dirt to find vegetables to keep us from starving. I would do anything for those I love, even if I'm not good at showing it in affection and sweetness. I didn't have time for it. I was too busy trying to keep us alive. And what good did it do? Bonnie is dead. Our baby is dead, and our marriage might as well be. Everything I sacrificed was for naught. So I'm trying to take care of the two children that I do still have. And I'm trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. What else am I supposed to do? I wasn't a mind reader, and you are skilled at hiding your emotions from everyone. It wasn't fair for you to assume that I could understand that you loved me and what you were thinking when you are a professional at not letting people read you."
"I need a drink," Rhett confessed, slipping from the bed. He disappeared into his study and returned with two glasses. "It is a little stronger than you usually drink."
Scarlett took one drink, and her eyes began to water, and her throat burned. She shuddered as she bolted the contents and then handed the glass back to Rhett. "I guess we are at an impasse then. You are stuck in a marriage with a wife that you hate, and I am stuck in a marriage with a man who I love, but I wasn't perceptive enough to realize it. So where do we go from here?"
He stared at her, taking so long to respond that she was about to give up hope, until he finally spoke, "We can continue on as we currently are, maintaining separate residences, though visiting each other occasionally. I will try to visit more frequently and play a more active role in raising the children. Or you can file for divorce in Georgia, citing my relationship with Belle. Neither of us will ever recover socially, especially if we stay in the South. Everything that I thought I wanted in Charleston will be out of reach if we divorce. There will be no being accepted back if we proceed with that path."
She stared out the window longingly. "You've forgotten one option, Rhett."
"And what is that?"
"We figure out how to reconcile and learn from our mistakes in the past," she finished softly. "I know it won't be easy. And I know that you said that your love wore out. But love doesn't wear out. Not if it really was love to begin with. You said that you loved me once, more than any man loved a woman. Maybe you can find your way back to that. We've been through too much, and neither of us had all of the information to make it work or to treat each other right. But we can make it right. There has to be some reason for everything that we've gone through. There has to be something good to come out of all of this loss and misery."
Rhett pulled another cigar from his case which lay on the bedside table. "I nearly killed you, and I did kill both of our children. I don't think it is safe for you to be around me for long. This holiday itself is a gamble. You're risking your life."
Scarlett followed him out onto the porch, her robe wrapped around her, the only garment that she'd brought that had any color on it. "That is ridiculous. I'm not risking my life, and you didn't kill Bonnie or the baby," she persisted.
"You certainly accused me of killing Bonnie," he returned hotly.
"I was grief stricken and out of my mind. I was wrong. I was a fool for saying it. I lashed out like a wounded animal. But I was wrong to say it." She admitted, coming up behind him and laying a hand on his arm that was resting on the porch railing.
"You didn't need to say it. I already blamed myself. I already carried the chains for the child that you lost in the fall, and with Bonnie's death, I added the chains for her as well." Rhett's face was almost completely hidden in shadows, as there was no moonlight.
"She was such a stubborn little thing. So determined to be bigger than she was. She was fearless from the moment she could walk, before she could walk… I remember trying to change her diaper when she was just crawling, and she was ready to leap off that table and charge into her next adventure. She wasn't afraid of heights or speed. She was absolutely fearless," Scarlett reminisced.
"Except for the dark," Rhett finished.
"Except for the dark," Scarlett confirmed. "But that was because Mammy made her afraid of the dark to try and keep her from going out in the night to explore. Mammy was terrified that Bonnie would fall down the stairs or climb out a window or come up with another way to risk her life."
Scarlett watched Rhett, a glassy sheen of tears in his eyes as they talked. "I miss her too, Rhett. We all do. You don't have to suffer alone. You don't have to blame yourself. We couldn't wrap her in cotton and keep her safe from the world. And children ride ponies all of the time and fall off their ponies. And they don't all die. It was a tragic accident. And you need to forgive yourself."
Before she was aware of what was happening, Rhett's arms were around her. His body was shaking, though no tears fell. He clutched her to him in an almost painful way, as though she was a life vest and he was a drowning man. Eventually, she led him back to the bed and they climbed into the bed. He turned towards her, and she slipped back into his arms and fell asleep listening to the sound of his beating heart.