Just Give Me A Reason
Clay had no idea when the monotonous beeping of the machine monitoring Quinn's vitals lulled him into a fitful sleep. But the next thing he knew, a young Asian-looking night nurse was shaking him awake with an apologetic grimace. Through the haze of exhaustion, he was hit by the awful realization that the mechanical beeps had given way to a much more devastating sound: choked sobs. His head snapped up to see a second nurse standing on the other side of Quinn's bed with her hands pressed over her mouth in dismay. "I-I'm so sorry," she stammered and fled the room at a subtle nod from her supervisor. Clay stared at Quinn's trembling figure for a moment, sitting on the hospital bed with her knees pulled up to her chest and her head pressed against them.
"What the hell happened?" he snapped at the dark-haired nurse.
"My colleague is an intern," she said ruefully. "She assumed your wife was aware of the miscarriage already; it slipped out when she was checking her vitals. I'm very sorry, Mr. Evans."
"Unbelievable," he muttered. "How were Quinn's vitals? Can she go home soon?"
"She'll be fit to be discharged first thing in the morning," the nurse assured him. "There will be a short procedure to terminate the pregnancy properly. After that time will be her biggest healer."
"How bloody poetic of you," Clay growled, and the Asian woman gave him that same sympathetic expression the nursing profession seemed to demand as a default.
"I'll give you both some privacy," she said softly. "The final procedure can be discussed in the morning."
No sooner had the painfully blunt nurse left the room than Clay lurched towards the bed from the chair in which he had dozed off. Quinn's sobs had given way to desperate gasps, but she still wouldn't meet his eye. Carefully Clay placed his hand on her bowed head, and Quinn flinched as his fingers trailed soothingly through her hair. "I love you," he said simply. "I…I don't know what I can say to make this better. But I do know that I love you more than anything in the world. Okay?" Even though his wife refused to look up, Clay could hear her mumbling miserably to herself, and finally, he grabbed both her hands and just squeezed her long fingers gently. "Come on, Q, could you just look at me, please?" he begged.
At long last, Quinn slowly lifted her head, and Clay found that the only thing which could hurt him any more at this point was a clear view of her puffy, red-rimmed eyes. For a moment, she just stared at him, still breathing as if she had just run a marathon. Finally, she uttered a single word: "Why?"
"What do you mean, why?" Clay asked softly. "Why do I love you? Because there's a long list and this doesn't change any of that, you know. You're still the girl who rescued the near lost cause I was from a very dark place. You're the girl who accepted my past and made it your future, no questions asked. I have more, but…"
Quinn pressed her finger to his lips and cut him off; "You're babbling," she informed him, and at any other time there would have been a teasing glint in her bright blue eyes, but not tonight. "That's very sweet, but that wasn't what I was asking," she said thickly. Clay watched the unshed tears brimming in his wife's eyes and waited for her deliberated her next words. "Tell me this is a bad dream," she choked pleadingly at last. "Why did it have to happen to us? That's what I mean by why! Just…why?"
"Quinn," he whispered when she finally doubled over in agony again, this time with her head pressed into his lap. "Baby, you have no idea how much I wish I could tell you this is a bad dream…but I can't. All I can tell you is that getting that call last night was one of the single most terrifying experiences I've had in years. So right now, I'm just grateful you're alive, understand? This whole thing is going to be painful; I know that. But I promise you; we'll get through it together."
"But it's not fair," Quinn squeaked, and even though her words were indistinct now, the devastated tone transported Clay back in time; to the day he had watched his first love falling apart just like this.
May 2008 – Ten Years Earlier
"This is a disaster," Cassandra July snapped, her emerald-green eyes flashing in annoyance. The ballet instructor was standing outside the girls' bathroom backstage in the Duke University auditorium. Moments away from her graduation ballet recital, Sara Kay had locked herself in the restroom after a devastating revelation about her cancer-stricken older sister from her father. Cassandra glanced at Sara's best friend and fellow dancer Jessica Parker almost accusingly. "The girl is my star," she said irritably. "Find a way to get her on that stage, Parker. And I mean now!"
"Yes ma'am," Jessica muttered bitterly, but as soon as the uptight blonde stomped away to lecture someone else, the British girl's brow furrowed in concern. She knocked on the bathroom door hesitantly; "Sara? Miss July is gone. Can you please open this door now?" she begged. Considering how long she and the ballet teacher had already been standing there, Jessica was surprised to hear the lock click this time.
The door cracked open just enough for Sara to pull her friend inside and quickly shut it again. The hazel-eyed girl crossed over to the bathroom sink and stared silently at her reflection in the mirror. The mascara she had already applied when her father arrived with the news that her sister was dying was nothing more than a series of smudged black streaks running down her cheeks. "I can't do this," she gasped, clinging to the edge of the sink as a sob bubbled up from somewhere deep inside her. "Izzie promised she'd be here…she promised, and now she's not only not here, but she's also going to die!"
"Isn't that all the more reason to shine tonight?" Jessica asked softly. "You told me your sister was a dancer in college, too, right? If you can do her proud, it'll be something…that's what I think anyway."
Sara pressed her hands over her eyes, and Jessica watched the tears rolling out from under her palms helplessly. "But she won't get to see it," the blonde said shakily. "And my Mom isn't here either because Izzie is in a freaking coma! How am I supposed to dance knowing that?"
"I don't know, honey," Jessica sighed and hugged her friend tightly. "But Miss July is throwing a fit out there. Jeff is a sweetheart; he'll understand how you feel. Don't you think it's worth cleaning up your face and giving it a shot out there? If it makes you feel any better, my parents couldn't come over from England either."
Not letting go of Jessica's hands, Sara nodded absently. Her dance partner was indeed a very nice guy and wouldn't allow any fumbles to look too bad. "It doesn't really, but you're right," she said softly. "Jessie, could you do me a favor while I try and fix this panda look?"
"Anything," her friend nodded quickly, and Sara forced a smile to show her appreciation.
"Find Clay," she said simply. "I could pretend it's so you have a chance to catch up with Lily or something, but I just…I need him here."
"Yeah," Jessica nodded understandingly and gave the sniffling blonde another squeeze. "I'm on it, girl, don't you worry," she promised and dashed away as Sara began to scrub her face clean. The British girl had barely darted across the stage where the dance would be performed and run through one of the narrow aisles separating the audience's many seats when Clay collided with her, looking frantic. "Thank God," she panted, sparing Lily a quick smile when she saw the redhead hot on her brother's heels. "Did you hear the news?"
"I ran into Mr. Kay outside," Clay told her quickly, gripping her urgently by the shoulders. "Jessie, where's Sara?"
"Girls' bathroom, backstage," Jessica said, nodding at the vast stage behind her. "I left her trying to fix her make-up; she's kind of losing it back there. Go!" Clay didn't need telling twice and was off before she could even blink. The ballerina glanced at Lily in disbelief; "Does your brother think he's Clark Kent, or what?" she marveled.
"Something like that," Lily giggled affectionately. "He's just completely in love, that's all."
"Normally, I'd say that Sara is a lucky girl, but this whole thing is so sad," Jessica sighed. "Enjoy the show, okay? I better get back there before my instructor throws another fit."
When Jessica got backstage again, it was to find Miss July taking out her pre-show frustration on Sara's dance partner, Jeff. "You don't think it's your job to make sure your dance partner is ready on time? Well, I have news for you, Mr. Williams: it most certainly is," she snapped furiously. "If this class lets me down after all the work we put in this year, I will not be happy." Her eyes glinted with rage when Jessica came up beside the petrified boy and held onto his arm supportively. "Parker! I thought I told you to get Miss Kay out of that bathroom?"
"She will be," Jessica promised. "Back off Miss July, Jeff didn't even know about Sara's bad news. We'll get her out there because we're a team, but you seriously need to stop yelling."
"This is your ten-minute warning," the stressed-out blonde said irritably, before storming off with an outraged look on her face.
"That was so badass, Jess," Jeff marveled, grinning at her thankfully. "What's going on with Sara?"
"Her Dad just told her that her sister is dying," Jessica explained sadly. She pressed her head against the bathroom door, attempting to eavesdrop; "That's also why her boyfriend is braving the girls' bathroom by the way." She smirked at him over her shoulder; "Don't go getting ideas, okay?"
"Wouldn't dream of it," Jeff winked at her, raking his fingers through his hair absently. "My boyfriend might, though," he laughed, and Jessica waved her hand to shush him.
"Trying to listen in here," she hissed, and with a mischievous sparkle in his dark eyes, Sara's dance partner crouched beside her.
On the other side of the locked bathroom door, Sara had managed to fix her mascara minutes before Clay barged in. Now she was standing wrapped tightly in his firm embrace, willing the tears not to start flowing again. "It's not fair," she moaned. "How am I supposed to pull this off without Izzie here?" she demanded, staring into his deep blue eyes for an answer.
"Life isn't fair," he said softly, stroking her silky hair gently. "But being miserable doesn't do anything to change that, you know." Sara's mouth fell open slightly in surprise at the unexpected wisdom, but Clay continued. "You know my Dad died in a plane crash the year before we met, right? I guess that little piece of life wisdom is something I learned then. So much has happened in the last few years alone I wish I could share with him, but being sad never changed a thing."
"Izzie was a ballerina too before she got sick," Sara sighed. "Jessie said I should try and make her proud tonight, even if…if she won't get to see it. That's all I want to do, you know?"
"That Jessica is a smart one," Clay smiled affectionately and tilted her head up, so their lips collided. "For whatever it's worth, I'm proud of you, baby," he said sincerely. "And I have an idea of what might help you get through this."
"Do you?" Sara raised her eyebrows at him skeptically, and Clay nodded.
"This," he said simply and held up two fingers. "I wish Izzie could be here to see you shine, babe, but I'm not going anywhere, I promise!"
"And I love you for that," she breathed, nuzzling close to him, clingy in her gratitude. "But how are two fingers supposed to help me?"
"Not two fingers, you goof," he laughed. "The count of two…tell this to the grandkids."
"Only if you're right there telling them with me," Sara shot back with her first genuine smile since the bad news. "So you're my official count-keeper now, huh?"
"I'll be whatever makes you smile like that," he promised and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You only have to do one thing: Keep an eye out for these fingers in the crowd, okay? You can do this; trust me!"
"That I do," she said. "I love you so much, my hero…thank you."
Quinn's hand gripping his arm with vice-like force pulled Clay back to his present tragedy. Her eyes welling with tears were silently asking him by what stretch of the imagination this situation was fair. "Life isn't fair," he murmured. "Being miserable is never going to change that."
"What?" she asked hoarsely, staring at him with a puzzled expression.
"You said it's not fair," he reminded her. "Of course it's not…but life rarely is, you know. Do you remember what you said to me one day in the hospital after Katie shot us?"
"Which part?" Quinn asked with an involuntary shudder. "I said a lot of things back then, most of which I've tried to forget about, thank you very much."
"I know, babe," he said softly. "But just remember this one thing: You told me that we made it through that alive and that as long as we were together, we'd be okay. That still stands, don't you think?"
Quinn lowered her gaze, biting her lip so hard she almost drew blood; "I don't feel very alive right now," she confessed. "I wish I could stop feeling at the moment, it just…it hurts."
"It hurts because you have the biggest, most amazing heart in the world," he told her, kissing her cheek when another tear slid down it into her trembling palm. "Don't you dare go numb on me, Quinn James!"
"Evans," she reminded him in a subdued voice, leaning towards him so that her forehead grazed his shoulder. "You're the only thing I have to be grateful for right now. What are we going to do, Clay?"
"A little more sleep might be a good place to start," he hinted and reached around her hunched figure to fluff the pillow behind her. "Lie down, beautiful."
"Don't let go," she begged, still in that broken, squeaky tone, and he kept a firm hold on her hand as her head hit the pillow.
"Never," he promised. Quinn shifted so that there was enough room for him to curl up behind her and stifled another sob when Clay's hand settled just above her heart. "I love you so much, Quinn," he repeated firmly, and she wondered if he could feel her heart, breaking with every beat, as shattered as their dream of a life with this baby.
A / N: Hopefully my college crossover headcanon makes sense to everyone, I had a blast writing my very first OC Jessica from the Potter days again. Enjoy the pain, everyone! xx