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Okay...I posted this before any reviews. Also I am posting this on my work lunch so you're welcome. As consequence...I didn't really have time to listen to it for my extra proofing measures. I pre-apologize for any grammatical issues I missed as I read it...I tend to miss quite a bit sometimes.
No shout outs because I posted this before anyone read it. WARNING! IFFFFF you did not notice...I posted a chapter last night and several over the last few weeks. Notifications are still not really working, I still don't get them myself, so make sure you've read the previous chapters. Go ahead. Oh and um...sorry.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Kili paced the healers hall of Mirkwood. He had been there for nearly an hour but the others had not come yet. The moment Tork touched ground, they were surrounded by guards who had their weapons out and pointed at the intruders.
"Put those away!" Kili yelled in their own tongue. "Your lord sent me ahead, and you know who I am. We are to go to the healers halls directly. And if you slow me down...I will not hesitate to start drawing blood. Alliance or not."
"By the maker!" Galloron ran ahead, having had remained behind to help guard the walls. "What has happened?"
Kili let out a sigh of relief to see someone he knew tolerated them. Funny enough, he was also the one to have wanted Tauriel's head removed two decades ago...but Kili supposes people change.
With an order from the elven captain, the guards were quickly escorting the trio to the healing halls where the moment Kili walked through the door, a team of elves jumped right in to help.
"What happened?" Galloron asked again as the healers began pulling the clothes from Tauriel's slight frame. Kili instantly pushed the elven captain to the side away enough so he could both see his wife and keep her hidden from anyone who was not a healer. Tork excused himself to wait in the hall to give them space but Kaw had flew high up to sit on a branch...where he watch and cooed mournfully.
"We rescued my son, but there was retribution. One of the Nazgul fired a shaft at Tauriel as we were leaving...then proceeded to fire one at our child as well. I...she's..."
A soft cry had Kili turning and running back to the bed where Tauriel had tears falling down her flushed cheeks though her eyes were closed. She said one word. "Kili."
"What is happening!?" He asked the healers.
The healers ignored him as they worked, some blotting blood pouring from the wound as others continued preparing tools, bowls of water, and what looked like the all too familiar athelas paste.
"This may be beyond our ability to help." Marawen said, her eyes not moving away from Tauriel or the short but thick shaft protruding from both sides of her chest. They currently had her on her side, her dress completely removed so they could work un-impeded by her clothing. Her modesty was the least of Kili's worries as he saw the black spidering veins spreading across her chest and back.
"We need to get this out." The healer said to her team who nodded, one holding a blade and another a clean medical knife. "I am afraid, we can not do anything to help with her pain as we remove this...but it has to come out and very, very carefully." She glanced at Kili. "It may best, you leave for this part. I cannot control how she reacts...and what we are about to do, I need all of our focus to be on her."
Kili growled deep in his chest. "I am NOT leaving her."
Marawen sighed. "I really do not want to order you into a cell, prince Kili. I am not asking this to be cruel or to separate you. In fact, I am not asking at all. I am telling you, you cannot be in here. You are bonded, are you not?"
Kili nodded slowly. "You know we are. Its hardly a secret here."
"Then know it is imperative you stay close...but not in this room, Kili." She placed a firm hand on his shoulder. "I swear to you, I will do everything in my power to save her life. Everything."
Kili gulped, fighting back the hysteria knowing his mate looked...Mahal she looked lost to him already. She felt lost to him. Slowly, Kili felt himself be pulled from her. He heard words being exchanged, it sounded like Galloron speaking to Marawen, as he was guided further away from his Tauriel.
That was where he stood now, leaning against the wall, trying and hoping to feel something from his one...his wife...his everything...but all he felt, was nothingness and that, was what hurt him more than any pain she could ever send him. Tork too remained silent as he sat taking up half a bench. A few times he opened his mouth to say something to Kili who paced the space in the large hall...but he swiftly shut it knowing nothing he could say would mean anything right now.
Time was slow to move, and the agony within Kili grew with each empty tick of the large wooden clock on the wall of the healers entranceway he currently stood in.
When the door opened another hour later, Marawen came out coated in blood with a blank look on her face. Tork looked up hopefully, but then his heart sank as he noted the sheer amount of blood coating the healer and knew...nothing she would say could be good.
Marawen gestured to a bench and sat, waiting for Kili to join her but he couldn't.
"Please..." Kili begged. "Please tell me..."
"I wish the news I bring was something that would bring you peace. She is...alive. For the moment." Marawen said softly. "But I do not know for how long. We tried, Kili. We removed the shaft and stopped the bleeding, but the poison is so close to her heart. It did not hit her heart...but it did pierce a small portion of her lung. This in itself, is not fatal, but combined with the wound and the poison...I would not be being truthful or fair to you to give you false hopes. I feel you should prepare yourself to say goodbye."
"WHAT!?" Kili yelled out. "No." He shook his head. "NO! She cant...you have not done enough! Get in there, and do more for her!"
"Kili..."
"NO!" Kili roared, his voice echoing through the hall. "I won't believe it. She has come back from death before, she can fight this."
"She cannot forever fight the inevitable sting of death, young prince. I have seen many others among the eldar with far less serous conditions bow down to deaths final blow. No race in this planet, not even the eldar, can beat the shadow of demise when it is our time. We all succumb one way or another." She stood taking a step forward but Kili only shot her a warning look. "Not even love, can save those we care about from leaving these lands."
"What do you know about it?" Kili hissed, unable and unwilling to accept what she is saying.
Marawen pierced her lips glancing at Tork across from them who gulped but didn't move or speak. She then looked back at Kili. "I know far more than you think, prince Kili. I lost my own mate to a raid in the forest nearly a century ago. My two daughters are all I have, and every day, I feel his loss. I understand what you are feeling because I have myself been through it. Go, be with her in her final moments. I would advise you not to try and touch the bond. I am sure there is pain already, and doing so would be torture beyond comprehension for you."
With that, she stood swept away just as six other elves giving Kili looks of pity left the room, one holding the door open for the young prince. "I am so sorry." The elf said, his hazel eyes shadowed with true grief as he watched Kili slowly pass him into the room leaving Tork in the hall.
Tauriel was now on her back, a wrapping around her chest keeping the wound and her body hidden partially from the wraps, and partially from the blanket pulled up to her chest. But she was still...so still...Kili wondered if he lost her already.
"Oh, amralime." Kili cried softly as he sat on the bed and took her cold hand. "Why is it, we never get to have peace? What did we ever do, to make death chase us around every corner." He closed his eyes as two small tears fell. The room was silent, apart from a slight wheezing sound coming from the still eleth on the bed. "You and I, together, against the world. We were supposed to go together, Tauriel. Not like this...not like this." His head dropped as a pain filled sob left him.
All he wanted, more than anything right now, was for her to whisper his name, to squeeze his hand, for anything. But she did not move, she did not make a sound apart from the wheeze that came with every slow yet shallow breath she took. It clearly pained her to breathe...but for whatever reason, he felt none of it.
Suddenly a thought came to his mind and he narrowed his eyes at his wife. "It was you." He said, anger in his tone. "You...you broke our connection...damnit Tauriel! When will you ever stop trying to spare me!" He sobbed. "I want in. I want to feel you, I need to." He stared at her, then tried to find their connection but the bridge between them was completely gone and in its place, small thin lines lead in five directions...two of which thicker than the others. He knew those were his connections to his children. But where was his path to his wife? Where was the connection they built together?
"Don't do this to me." Kili begged as he tried again to find the bridge. He clawed through every pathway he could find and when he finally found the bridge hidden so deeply in his mind, he happily accepted the sharp and nearly intolerable pain that came with the discovery. He sobbed again as he watched the bridge they made together, slowly fall apart stone by stone…and he was powerless to stop it.
When he caught one of the stones as it fell...it turned to ash in his palm, and Kili knew in that moment, there was nothing he nor anyone could do for Tauriel. No great Valar was going to come to save her. No miracle was going to happen. No choice could be made be that of sacrifice or love. This was really happening...he was really losing her. "Please don't leave me." Kili begged as he lay his head down beside hers and shook with sobs so great, he was sure they could be felt even in the ancestors halls.
"We deserved longer." He said in a broken voice. "We earned our right to have more time." He cupped her jaw just as a knock sounded on the door, but Kili just ignored it. He also ignored the sound of voices that filtered in before the door shut once more.
"Kili."
"Why does this keep happening to us, da." Kili said so quietly, he had not realized it was voiced out loud until Thorin came and stood beside him.
Thorin had spoken with Marawen, he knew the prognosis, and he knew how little chance she had of getting out of this one. Thranduil was currently pulling tomes out and searching them wildly to find something to help, but Marawen wanted to ensure Thorin understood how unlikely it will be they could do more than they already did for Tauriel. Whether she made it through the night or not would be their only indication if she would be able to come back from this.
"Naufi is sitting in the hall with Dwalin and Aeodhen, and that shifter. Do you want him to come in?"
Kili shook his head. "Not yet, I need to speak to him before he comes in here. Can you see that he gets something to eat and maybe a change of clothes first?"
"Of course." Thorin moved to leave, but changed his mind and moved around the bed and placed a soft kiss on Tauriel's head. "Be strong, nâtha. We need you here…all of us." He said in khuzdul so softly, even Kili barely heard it. Then he left the room to take care of his grandson who sat silently staring off at nothing at all. Aeodhen tried to say something to him, but Naufi didn't give any indication he heard.
"Naurfaer." Thorin said as he squatted low and pressed a palm to the dwarflings cheek, but again he didn't respond. "Are you hungry?" Again, no response. Thorin sighed and stood, looking around until he stopped a passing healer and asked for clothes that would fit the little dwarfling. In the meantime, Thorin shrugged off his fur coat and placed it around Naufi's shivering shoulders. With the healing halls being so warm, Thorin was wondering if he was in shock more than actually freezing.
It took nearly fifteen minutes for someone to bring clothes while the dwarven king simply stood beside his grandson, neither speaking. The elven healer showed Thorin into a private room which had a tray of tea, soup, and cookies. Naufi walked in, bypassed the food, and sat on the floor where he dropped his head into his hands and cried for Tauriel.
This was going to be the hardest thing Thorin himself had ever endured. He lost his mother and father, he lost friends and loyal members of his team, he even lost his home…but Tauriel, losing her will somehow be far worse than any of those. Even more, seeing his grandchildren, and Kili suffer…Mahal give him strength to get through this.
"Naufi…" Thorin's gentle voice had the dwarfling look up at him.
"It's all my fault." He said quietly. "If I had not…if they didn't take me. She would not have gone there. I did this. I killed mama."
Thorin growled. "Never think that. I don't want you ever to even say that again. The Nazgul is responsible for this, not you. Now, I need to get you out of those clothes. Do you need help?"
Naufi again ignored him, so Thorin was forced to help the dwarfling undress and redress into the set of elfling clothes he was given. It fit him for the most part, but the pants were far too long. Thorin had to roll them up several times so they would not drag on the floor. "You need to eat, Naufi."
"Can I see her?"
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Thorin sighed again. Then, he slowly nodded. "Alright." He grabbed the tray and the pair walked back to the room where Thorin stepped in first, placing the tray on a bench against the far wall. This was a private room, so there were no other beds in here, but it did have a few comfortable looking benches and several tables.
"Naufi wants to come in."
Kili had not moved from where he sat on the bed, staring at the floor. "Did you find him some clothes?"
"He's all changed, Kili. They brought him food…" Thorin gestured to the tray. "…but he refuses to eat. He wants to see Tauriel."
Taking a deep sigh, Kili stood. "Can you sit with her for a moment?"
"Of course, son. Take your time." However, as Kili passed him Thorin pulled him into his arms. "Don't give up on her, Kili. She needs your determination and strength more than ever right now."
Kili nodded as he pulled away and left the room. "Oh, nâtha. Don't leave him, don't leave us; not like this."
When Kili stepped out, he went right to his son who was once again standing between Dwalin and Aeodhen. He nodded to Tork who gave him a grim smile but stayed where he was. He had nowhere to go anyway.
"How's it look lad? She goin' teh pull through?" Aeodhen asked hoping Kili had better news than the healers. He didn't hate elves anymore…he has learned to be better…but he still trusted the word of his own people over them.
"Will you excuse us please? I need to have a word with Naurfaer."
Naufi flinched at his father's tone and almost asked to go with Dwalin and Aeodhen as they both bowed their heads respectfully and left to see to the other guards. But he did want to see his mama, so he instead lifted his eyes to his father who was watching him with an expression he had never seen on his da's face before. Did he hate him now for getting taken by the Nazgul? Naufi did not believe his pop one bit when he said it was not his fault…Naufi knew it was. He had blood on his hands now…and that blood was his own mothers.
Kili stared at Naufi, Tauriel's green eyes staring right back at him and he nearly had to turn away. But he swallowed the pain and got to his knees so he was on level with his son.
"Naufi…" He said, opening and closing his mouth as he tried to find the words to tell him the truth. Both Kili and Tauriel had swore to each other they would never keep things from their children if they could help it. "Do you want to see your mam?"
Naufi nodded his head but he didn't say anything so Kili continued. "Naufi…they say she won't be here for very long. They have not given up, but I want you to…prepare…and know, this may be the last time you can say anything to her. Do you understand?"
The dwarfling hesitated, but slowly, he nodded his head once again. "I need you to be gentle in there. No running and jumping onto the bed, no shaking your mam, or anything like that. Okay?"
Naufi nodded once more and Kili sighed, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his head and pulling him against his chest. "I am here for you, Naufi. You know that, right?"
"I'm sorry da." Was the only thing he said as he pulled away then moved around Kili and to the door. He looked back at his father once to get final confirmation it was okay for him to go in, and Kili gave it to him with a bow of his head.
"It would be stupid to ask if your alright." Tork said as Kili stood to full height. "But I hope you know your not alone here. I don't know you as well as I know your lady, but I she loves you and...I consider her to be one of my first true friends. If there is anything I can do...say the word."
Kili nodded. "I appreciate that. I will...keep it in mind."
When he entered his room just after his son, his heart broke again. Naufi had carefully pulled himself up on the bed and was tucking himself into Tauriel as best he could without jostling her nor the bed. He then turned his face into her shoulder and began to weep so silently, only his gasps for breath and his slight shaking shoulders gave him away.
"Oh, Naufi." Kili sighed but let him be. His son needed this moment for himself, so Kili sat on the other side of the bed where he remained for the next several hours as healers came in and out of the room.
Whenever they needed more access to Tauriel, Kili moved so Naufi didn't have to; the little dwarfling had fallen asleep. Since Kili doubted he slept the night before in Dol Guldur and he had a rather traumatic day, he asked the healers to let him be.
"Any change?" Kili asked hopefully as Marawen checked Tauriel over yet again. But the healer shook her head.
"I am sorry, prince Kili. But her breathing is only getting worse."
When the door opened again, Thranduil came sweeping. If anything gave Kili hope, it was the look of determination on the elven kings face.
"Help her." Kili begged. He would get on his knees if he had to, he would give anything…Mahal he would give EVERYTHING just to be able to keep her with him. "Please."
"All I can do, is what she did for you." Thranduil said apologetically. "I can help with the morgul poison. But the damage…" He sighed, looking older than Kili had ever seen him look. He didn't know how old Thranduil was…but Tauriel said Legolas was over 2800 years old…Kili can only imagine just how old Thranduil must be. "…the damage is more extensive than I have the ability to heal. Even your wounds many years ago were superficial in comparison. These, are the kind of wounds that kill, the kind we cannot heal so easily or readily."
Kili gulped, but nodded. "Whatever you can do, I would be grateful." He swallowed the lump in his throat.
Leaning against the wall, Kili closed his eyes as he waited for the words Tauriel used whenever she tapped into her healing gift but they never came. Then Kili remembered Thranduil did not need to use words, he had been silent when he healed Thorin so long ago. Wasn't that grave? Wasn't that wound nearly as bad as hers? Why could he save Thorin…but not Tauriel. He was about to accuse the elven lord of lying when the elven king pulled away.
"I did what I could. The rest is up to her, but she is strong." Thranduil tenderly brushed a lock of hair across her forehead, leaning down to whisper something to the still and wheezing eleth in the bed. Kili heard a few words in Sindarin, but he could not make out what was being said. Perhaps a few words of encouragement…or maybe his own goodbye. Kili did not know.
When he stood straight he turned back to Kili. "These halls are at your disposal. Whatever you need, anything at all, I have ordered the healers and guards here to do as you ask. I will check in as well." He moved to leave and stopped. "I care for her too, you know. I failed her in many ways over the years of her life, I am not so proud to not admit it. But her loss will be felt further than your mountain."
Thranduil cleared his throat then swept quickly from the room before Kili could say anything in response. He was not sure he knew what to say anyway. So he just took his spot once again, his fingers tracing the lines of Tauriel's face. She did not move to lean into him. She did not turn her lips to press them to his palm as she always did. Kili fingered the bandages and moved them a bit, happy to see the black spidering veins completely gone. However her skin was so pail…Kili wondered if there was even any point to what Thranduil had done.
"Kili?" Kili didn't turn away from his wife, wanting to memorize every part of her and afraid if he turned away for even a moment, she would go completely silent.
"Kili, you should change and eat something." Thorin said gesturing to a set of clothes he had that looked as if they were his own. It must have been the set he left behind when he journeyed to Rhun. When or how Thorin had retrieved them, Kili didn't know nor did he really care right now.
However, Kili shook his head. "I am fine."
Thorin didn't fight him and just set the clothes beside the tray before taking one of the folded blankets from a basket on the table and placing it over Naufi's sleeping form. "Do you want me to send Kaw to Erebor?"
"Can we wait? I want…" Kili glanced at Thorin who nodded.
"We can send him in the morning." Thorin understood. He placed a hand on Kili's shoulder and they just sat in silence.
Healers again came and went, and when dinner time came around, they brought in several platters for the royal family. They informed the dwarven king his army was being fed in the main dining hall, and both Dwalin and Aeodhen were keeping everyone in order while they all waited for news of Tauriel. Tork was still out in the hall, Kili was sure as one of the healers mentioned the large man who had yet to move. He apparently also denied food or a place to rest. Kili wondered if he was waiting here because he knew Nelithi would be brought here, or if he truly wanted to be near Tauriel as well. Maybe a mix of both.
Eventually, the healers brought a chair in for both Kili and Thorin into the room so they could sit closer to the bed. "Her dressings should last the night. By morning…we will know…" Marawen left the last bit unsaid but Kili and Thorin understood. By morning, they would know if her wounds were fatal or not.
Kili took his wife's hand as he lay his head on the bed beside her, holding it tightly in both of his as he unleased the tears he had been holding back all day. Thorin was not far from him, his head in his hands. It will be the hardest night they have ever endured.
At some point, Kili closed his eyes. The hours of tears making it difficult to keep them open. Still grasping Tauriel's hand, Kili felt himself slowly drift off, but he quickly forced himself back to consciousness and opened his eyes. He was NOT going to fall asleep and miss even a moment with her…but the evidence he had done just that was apparent in the light streaming through the window high above him.
Kili rubbed at his eyes, glancing around the room. How had he fallen asleep…he caught himself! Clearly he must have dozed off again. Thorin too was asleep but Naufi was once again crying as he leaned over Tauriel.
"Please wake up mama." He was begging. When he turned to Kili, the look of devastation was clear on his face. "Why won't she wake up da? Its morning, she's supposed to wake up."
Kili closed his eyes as he turned his head to Tauriel. As he opened them, everything in him broke. Tauriel…was not moving at all, her chest that had been slowly rising and falling the night before was completely still and no sounds came from her. He closed his eyes again and searched for the crumbling bridge but in its place was just a black void. Gone. Their connection was gone.
The pain and yell of anguish that erupted from Kili was heard through the entire city.
"Da…" Naufi sobbed as the healers ran in.
"Naufi, lets go." Thorin ordered having woken from the commotion. He quickly stood and grabbed the dwarfling from the bed as the healers surrounded Tauriel. Naturally Naufi fought him, kicking to get free and reaching for Tauriel…but Thorin was much stronger than him, and larger, so he easily took him out of the room.
Kili can't remember what was done…he supposes more chanting, they checked the wounds for bleeding…everything. But he already knew she was gone. The Nazgul got what he wanted, they took her from this world, from him. And he didn't even get the chance to say goodbye…he didn't whisper he loved her as she took her last breath…he never got to beg her to keep trying for him…keep trying for their children. Instead, he let his week body win, and he closed his eyes missing her last moment in this world. Did she turn to him at all…did she try to form his name on her lips as her heart thumped its last beat? Kili will never know because he foolishly had his eyes closed.
Tauriel. The mother of his children. An elf who won the hearts of the dwarrow, of Mahal, and of three sons of Durin who became her father, brother, and soulmate. One elf who was able to change a small corner of the world. She brought a family together, she brought three different races together, she helped clear a lost city, then helped save her own people taken. One elf made a difference in this world…and now she was gone and Kili's world was shattering.
Kili did not know how long they worked, he was just frozen and lost. So lost. When a hand landed on his shoulder, he looked up to Marawen's apologetic eyes. "May her path to the halls of Valinor be well lit and filled with those on the other side to guide her." She paused and looked to the ground. "I am so sorry for your loss, prince Kili."
When Kili looked around her, a shroud had been placed over his wife, his star, his one. He swallowed hard, unable to form words. In fact, Kili only half remembers what happened that day. He slightly recalls pushing his grief down as much as he could for Naufi's sake. It had to be the hardest thing he had ever done, but he did try.
He also remembers holding his son tightly as Naufi's sobs shook them both. Maybe Kili was sobbing too…but he could not say. He does remember Naufi whipping his tears from his cheeks as he pulled away, he also remembers preparing Tauriel to be taken to Erebor which had been a small argument.
"She belongs in our halls." Both Kili and Thorin said to Thranduil who after a bit of back and forth...gave into their desires.
"Then if I may request, we would like to accompany her and you to the mountain." Thranduil asked, and Kili nodded his agreement.
It was just before they were about to leave when it was announced the others had arrived. Fili must have been given the news because his eyes were bloodshot by the time he got to Kili and pulled him into his arms, holding him tightly.
"Oh Ki." Fili wept…wept into Kili's shoulder as he held his little brother. Even Viltarra had tears falling freely down her face. The baby was gone…Kili did not know what happened to it, but he guesses they found him a place in Lothlorien. He felt only slightly guilty he could not bring himself to ask about it even as he pulled away.
"Ki…" Fili said as he grasped Kili's face in his hands and pressed his forehead to his baby brothers. "…I am here for you." Was all he could say.
"I know." Kili responded quietly. He then accepted a hug from Viltarra who held him tightly.
"I am so sorry." She said and stepped away but did not go far. She had been the one to help him dress Tauriel in the glowing, elven, gown Thranduil and Legolas provided. It was beautiful...but when they returned, Kili will have something made he knows SHE would love. Something that was both elven, and dwarven, like all her clothes had become over the years.
It was difficult to hold himself together, but Kili was proud of his resolve as he pulled the beaded shroud back over his wife after placing a kiss on her cold, still, brow. It was time to go home.
The procession to Erebor was one Kili had never anticipated. All of the elves were dressed in ashen grey, the color of death among the eldar, Tauriel had told him long ago of their traditions should one of the eldar be killed in battle or die of one of the rare diseases or poisons that affected the eldar.
He watched the procession walk past him, the elves all holding lanterns and glowing orbs as they placed winter flowers on the wagon containing Tauriel's shrouded form. Amazing how so many of them were the cause of the many unseen scars Tauriel carried…yet here they are pretending they now cared about her. It slightly infuriated Kili…but this was not about him, it was about honoring her. He was most frustrated it took her dying for them to really respect and care about her.
Tork was there too, his head bowed. He didn't approach Kili, nor did he join them on their walk back to Erebor. He probably was staying with Nelithi and Ivethin who had come and said her own goodbye to Tauriel. The healer who was once Tauriel's mentor asked to be given a few minutes to change so she could come with, but Thranduil forbade it. She needed time to recover and a walk through the freezing air and snow will be her own undoing.
"I will not have more death today." He said in a final tone and she conceded, tears streaming down her pale cheeks as she was led away by several healers.
Kaw was there though, perched beside Tauriel with Umyra who had come with Fili. They were both keening softly and mournfully…singing to Tauriel. Since the horses also came with Fili, Kili insisted the two elven horses currently attached to the cart be switched out for Galaddal and Maryn.
"She loved them." Kili said, and several elves worked to make the change. Elenath was tethered to the back as Kili would be walking beside his wife, his hand clasped in Naufi's.
The walk was not silent. The entire way the elves of Mirkwood sang song after song. Some just lyrics of the afterlife and the path to their halls…while others were songs sung of Tauriel.
Kili glanced at Naurfaer who had his head bowed and eyes focused on the ground. He had been last to enter the city, and tore through the group only to fall to his knees as he cried out when he saw his granddaughter. It had Kili break a little more to see him so filled with pain and loss. There is something Kili has learned after living with an elf…they are not creatures of lesser emotions, it is quite the opposite. Elves feel emotions so deeply, they have to suppress them or be controlled by them.
Even Legolas had a look of complete devastation on his normally serene face. In a rare show of care, Kili saw Thranduil embrace his son before they had left the forest city. Maybe it was for Tauriel…or maybe he was just relieved Legolas was alive and back home. Kili did not know and he also could not bring himself to really think more on it.
What he does know is on either side of Tauriel's body, carrying the largest torches, were both Naurfaer and Legolas. They were the living representation of the guides meant to lead Tauriel to the halls of the dead. Naurfaer had asked Kili if he wanted to do it, but Kili said he should. He wanted to be there for his son so he insisted Naurfaer and Legolas be given the honors.
As they passed Dale, Kili was so numb he didn't even feel the cold anymore. The snows were deep, but cleared from the pathway leading to both Dale and Erebor. The night was nothing but a sky of endless stars and a bright full moon to light their way. No new snow fell that night…Kili doubts he would notice if there was snow falling anyway.
Thorin sent Dwalin and Aeodhen ahead by horse to get the gates open. Coincidently, Duk had arrived in Mirkwood that morning with a note requesting an update from Erebor. He was sent back to inform Dis and Nyaunni of what happened with instructions to prepare for an announcement to their people…and to ready a tomb for the beloved family elf who would be honored with a special burial site Thorin himself will be working on when he returns. Only the best for Tauriel.
It should have been expected then, that the hall was lined with dwarves in their own mourning clothes. In fact, they were lined as far as the eyes could see. Dis had the children standing at the front, Nyaunni beside her who had Fili's children in front of her.
Kili went right to his little ones, kneeling to pull them in close. They all cried together, though Naufi stayed back. He had not said a word all day…not a peep. Kili will soon learn that Naufi would go from the most talkative child he had, to a dwarf of a few words. In fact, Naufi would not say a word for nearly two years after his mother's death, and when he did start speaking again, he would only give simple answers. Naufi will never be the same again…really none of them will be.
The elves stayed for the evening as Thorin made the announcement and the family went into full mourning. That meant they did have to speak to anyone…at least, Kili and the children did not. He just took his children up to their suites to ready them for the ceremony with the elves that would take place that night. He wanted to lock himself in a room with his sons and his little daughter, but he had responsibilities to Tauriel, and would fulfill them no matter what.
From the moment he arrived, Dis immediately took action to care for her son and help him through whatever he needed. She hardly left his side even through the service in Tauriel's honor the following day and the night after…choosing to sleep in the sitting room to be close to him and the children.
Kili, however, did not sleep. He just held Ithtiri who cried in his arms the entire night. She did thankfully take a bottle from him…a permanent change she will have to accept and eventually did.
Those first days back were nothing but pain for Kili as fractures began to form in his mind despite his attempts to hold it together. He needed to be there for his children…his children were suffering deeply. As deeply as he was though they all showed it differently.
Finli was beside himself with grief, but true to his nature stayed strong to help his father with his siblings. Next to Naufi, Kilion was probably the worst. He did not eat for nearly a week, and Kili found him more often than not curled up and sobbing under Kili and Tauriel's bed. Well Kili supposes it is his bed now. Orin was withdrawn…more than he usually was, but chose to put his energy into doing anything the family asked of him.
The children grew years the day they lost their mother…losing all their playfulness and nearly all of their innocent joy.
Kili remembers working with Dis and Nyaunni to prepare Tauriel for her tomb just days after they had returned to Erebor. The elves had left after that first ceremony, leaving the royal family to ready themselves for their own end of life traditions. This meant getting Tauriel ready to lay.
Kili knew Thorin spent day and night for three days carving, chiseling, and molding a beautiful tomb of his own creation. He had used inspirations of the stars and trees Tauriel loved in a dwarven design to symbolize her life among the eldar and the dwarrow. He also carved 'Innikh De' into the stone, return to me, and where he had placed her true name...the one he himself had given her, he also carved 'Amralime' just beneath it. It had Kili weeping at the sight as Thorin revealed it to him before anyone else.
"She will never be forgotten, Kili." Thorin had said to him.
Leotti too had spent tireless hours preparing a gown to lay Tauriel in. Kili carefully tied, buttoned, and fastened the pieces together with his mother and aunt's help.
Viltarra was there as well, having saved the flowers from the elves and found a few more in her and Tauriel's personal garden to place around the beloved eleth. The whole time she sang softly to her sister. Kili knew she was having just as hard of a time as they all were. Tauriel was the second sister for her to lose.
Dwarf and dam came up and bowed to Kili, many offering baskets of gifts for him and the children. They knew not to expect any response in return as they placed them at his feet, some offered songs about Tauriel, or stories of personal nature to them from their interactions. The company had their own special gifts, each one offering something symbolic of what she meant to them. For some reason, Kili could not name what they where…but he accepted each one and lay them in a special place where they will be buried with his wife.
Kili glanced at Naurfaer at the end of the gathering. He had said very little since they returned and stood dressed all in grey…having not once changed his clothes from what he wore in the precession from Mirkwood. He was not really far from Kili who had Ithtiri pressed to his chest; Kili needed something solid to hold, and his infant daughter helped anchor his cracking mind. As for the other children, Kilion had his arms wrapped tightly around Kili's leg with his head buried in his pants, the twins stood on either side of Kili, and Finli stood ramrod straight just in front of them. The children did not have to be there, tradition stated only the one had to be, but they wanted to be there for both their father, and for their mother. It was their choice, and Kili honored it. He was proud of them and their strength.
That first night after the ceremony…Kili sat in his bed staring off into the darkness. All of his children were with him in the bed; they lay in various positions around him with Kilion sleeping with Tauriel's pillow clasped in his arms. Naurfaer, Kili knew, was in the sitting room drinking an entire bottle of brandy as Dis fluttered in and out of their chambers separating goods from baskets for Kili. She will be the rock that held him mostly together as the days turned to weeks, and weeks to months, and months to years.
Kili would wake each morning, care for his children who were growing faster than he was ready for. He would lament to his mother when his little girl began walking, then climbing trees, and even worse…the day she came home from her first day in lessons and spoke of a boy in her class. A boy. Oh the conversations he had with his wife over that.
"You should see her, amralime. Mahal, she is beautiful." He would chuckle as he looked up at the stars. "I think I might just have to start murdering the young dwarves in her class who keep looking at her. If Finli doesn't first. So protective they are of our Ithtiri…I almost pity the dwarf courageous enough to get through her brothers…and me…to get to her." Kili smiled, shaking his head as he would wait for a reply…but none ever came when he spoke to Tauriel and slowly, the crackes in his mind began to widen.
His smile would widen, however, when his daughter would join him with a brush in her hand and a pleading look in her eyes. She always asked Kili to do her hair for her, and her favorite time to do it was at night, on the veranda, after Kili spoke to Tauriel. Ithtiri's love for the stars echoed her mothers. But that was not the only thing of her mothers Ithtiri had.
If any of his children looked like Tauriel…it was Ithtiri. Mahal help him as he brushed her long red hair and listened to her sing softly to herself while her eyes were focused on the skies above her. Of all the children, she was also the one most eager to smile and laugh…often trying to get her brothers to join in in her merriment. Sometimes she was successful…but normally she would roll he eyes and walk away leaving Kili to shake his head.
Even tonight, as Kili placed the brush down, Ithtiri turned from humming and singing, to telling him all about her day and what was happening in her lessons, or in training which she excelled in just like her brothers. Kili would listen, feeling as if she was growing with each word she spoke. Who was this little dam, and how had his infant turned into her so fast?
It was not just the children showing the passage of time, Kili lifted a piece of his hair and stared at the silver strand one morning after he showered…as he always did. What was worse was, as the months passed him by he began to notice more and more of such hairs on his head and in his beard. He wasn't even that old for his bloodline, yet he was already going grey.
"It's the stress dear." Dis would say to him as she swatted his hand away before he plucked another silver hair from his head. "And don't bother pulling them out, three more will come in its place. Look at this?" She lifted her own nearly completely silver hair. "There is no avoiding it." Thorin and Nyaunni too had gone full grey and white before they hit their 300th birthdays.
Kili wishes he could say he has memories of all the things that happened after his one died and they had returned to Erebor...but something in his mind kept blocking memories and events from being more than just passing flashes of light, sound, and color.
"I feel lost without you, amralime. Where is the time going? Where are you? I just need to hear your voice once. To feel like you are here with me. I…I am forgetting things, Tauriel. The other day, I had forgotten Finli had been courting a dam from the iron hills. I was so taken back when I found them together…I embarrassed myself and him. I need you here. Where are you?" He would wait, and listen…but only the breeze, or the rain, would answer back.
Occasionally Kaw would answer, or Umyra, but normally it was silence. Kili would stare into the sky, as yet another crack formed in his mind.
To say there was peace in Erebor the years following Tauriel's death would be a lie. Oh there had been numerous wars the mountain suffered through…but for the life of him…Kili could not remember going to battle…not a single one. It was all a fog really. It was like he would go to sleep and wake up, ten, twenty, fifty years passing in one night.
It was getting so bad, Kili found himself staring down into the vast darkness as he leaned over the edge of one of the many rail free bridges in Erebor one morning. He was getting old…would anyone question if he just…stumbled down into the depths below? So many cracks in his mind…so many crumbling fissures growing in the darkness of Kili's psyche…it had him clenching his head as he moved his foot out over the side of the path.
"Promise me you will live, Kili."
"Remember your promise.
Immediately, Kili pulled his foot back and blinked his eyes as if he was surprised by his own actions, then he swiftly walked away. He made a promise to her, and he will fight to keep it.
He told Tauriel about it that night as the rains fell and soaked him through. It did not matter that it was nearly winter, and he was shivering in the cold...he needed to talk to her. But when once again, he felt and heard nothing, not even the rain, he grew furious. "WHY ARENT YOU HERE! DON'T YOU SEE I NEED YOU! I AM FALLING APART, TAURIEL." A clap of thunder mocked his cries as only the falling rain answered him back. "I need you." He cried, his tears mixing with the rain.
Another crack formed.
Closing his eyes, Kili felt the room warm as he looked up at the vision in front of him, but it was not a pair of emerald green eyes watching him, but chocolate brown.
"Are you sure it is alright, da? I want you to be happy tonight, not hurting."
Kili forced the pain away as he looked at the vision before him. Ithtiri in her mothers wedding gown. It had to be taken out and hemmed since Ithtiri was shorter and shaped a bit differently than her fully elven mother. She was shorter than even Kili, had a slightly curvier form, and less of a point to her ears; she also had long strips of hair that fell from her cheeks down past her waist that were currently loosely curled. But other than that and her brown eyes which belonged to her father, Ithtiri was clearly her mother's daughter.
Kili cleared his throat. "Don't you be concerned about your old da, my star. Tonight is about you. You look beautiful. Your mother would be beyond words happy, I am sure she is here now."
"I know she is." Ithtiri said with Tauriel's soft smile. "I…I wish I could have known her."
Kili nodded, clearing his throat again. "She wishes she could have known you." He said with confidence. "She was so excited to have you. When you were born, she took you everywhere with her." He chuckled. "I would find her in trees singing to you nearly every day before…"
"Before she left." Ithtiri said softly.
"You know it was not like that." Kili said, brushing a tear from Ithtiri's cheek.
"I know." She turned to look in the mirror. "I think I am ready."
"What if I am not?" Kili said, Ithtiri turning to him and giving him a sad, watery, smile.
"Oh, da. You cannot keep me forever. He's a good dwarf, you know he is."
"If he wasn't he would be dead many times over already…and not just by my hand. Your brothers were quite ready to skin him alive and pull him apart…and your uncle I believe threatened him even before I did." Kili chuckled causing Ithtiri to roll her eyes at him.
She took his arm and pulled him from the room where the boys were waiting…all getting a final talking to from Dis who was having a harder time than normal getting around these days, but still could give a lecture that would have the boldest dwarf backing off.
Kili smiled as Fili entered, a crown on his head and a smile on his face. "Where's my favorite niece?"
"I am your only niece." Ithtiri smirked as Fili pulled her into his arms, her three cousins laughing in the background while Naurfaer dabbed tears away that were falling steadily down his cheeks.
Fili had been crowned king a few decades ago when Thorin had fallen so ill, they were not sure he would make it. The healers had suggested he lighten his load when he did recover…and he did so by passing the crown to Fili. It took them all by surprise, as they had expected him to rule until the end of his days. But Kili was happy for both Thorin and Fili since it seemed to have brought them even closer together.
Thorin was always there to help and support Fili, but he made it clear to both Kili and Fili that they were both now in charge. He said countless times how proud he was of them; he too was never quite the same after the loss of the elf they all loved so deeply.
Now that he was no longer king, Thorin liked to spend his days taking short rides with Nyaunni, and helping to prepare Finli for the day he will rule. Kili's eldest was the best of both Kili and Fili, level headed and passionate…kind and courageous. There was no doubt about it, he will be an incredible ruler one day.
Kili sighed as the family laughed and talked together...all but Naufi who was simply watching his sister with a soft expression on his face. Oh the talks Kili had with Tauriel about his Naufi.
"I don't know what to do for him, amralime. It is like I lost him the same night I lost you. He has no will to do anything but train, read, and go through the motions of every day life. I feel like I am failing him, Tauriel. Like no matter what I say or do, he just shuts me and everyone else out. He needs you here. Please...say something to me. Give me a sign or an idea of how to help him. Please...please Tauriel."
Again, nothing answered him back and Kili just continued to do the best he could to support Naufi and be there for him. Another crack formed.
As he looked around the room of his family preparing for Ithtiri's wedding, Kili did everything he could to put on a happy face, to be like the stone…strong and sure…for his children who were children no longer. Finli had already been wed to a lovely dam, and here was his baby girl getting married as well. The twins and Kilion remained single, and Kili was fine with that. All in their own time. Not all dwarves got married, there were just not enough dams for it for one thing, and Kili refused to let them wed unless it was a love match. It was his one rule.
Although Naufi…he refused to even look at a dam let alone talk to one. Then again, Naufi hardly spoke at all anyway. They all tried everything to get him out of his shell…even Kilion speaks more than his elder brother. But no matter what they did, Naufi remained silent and stoic. Kili would try his best to spend his days with him, the two of them working through their daily responsibilities in silence…but eventually one or the other would get up and wordlessly leave. Kili supposes he should have done more, but he felt it had to be Naufi's choice and pushing him would only make it worse.
Maybe he has failed Naufi a bit, having been grieving so hard. Naufi did see his own mother die before his eyes…it was harder on him than any of the others. Death. It just followed Kili around and mocked him on every corner now. Yet it let him live. Why?
Closing his eyes, Kili took a deep breath before opening them to a dwarf handing him yet another basket. "There was no dam like her." He had said.
What was happening? Oh, right. Kili looked around to see his children with tears falling down their faces. His mam had died. Death once again, was coming to pay a visit in his home yet leaving him to clean up the pieces.
Naurfaer, who rarely left Erebor, was holding Ithtiri's son in his arms as he bounced the toddler up and down. Kili looked to his brother who held one of his own grandchildren.
"She was just not the same when Thorin passed." A dam said, handing Kili a folded bundle. "A quilt we were working on together, Dis and I. I finished it, and thought it should go to you and your brother."
Thorin had died the year before…weeks after Nyaunni passed who had been nearly inconsolable when her aelúg suddenly came down with a disease Nyaunni could not help them through. Both creatures died within hours of each other.
Aelúg. For the first time, Kili wonders what became of the eggs they received centuries ago…then again…his mind had always been a bit muddled since he lost Tauriel. He wonders if it was the gaping hole in his mind from her loss that caused his memory to be a bit…off.
Of course he had gone to the healers about the memory losses and lapses, but they said they didn't know anything about mind bonds or the like, so they were no help. Kili had then confided in Naurfaer who nodded as if he understood.
"It is why bonds are both the best, and also the most painful thing we endure." He had told Kili. "I wish I could say it gets better, sion, but that would be a lie. You will be fine. Just…start writing things down if you want to remember them."
It never got better…even when he wrote things down. In fact, as time went on it only became worse. He couldn't even tell anyone the names of many of the guards who greeted him, or the names of the healers he spoke with.
Even worse, Kili hated that he couldn't recall any of his grandchildren's names as they came to him. He knew his children, he knew his nieces, and Fili and Viltarra…but beyond that…whenever a dwarfling came running in pulling themselves up on his knee and chattering away, he knew they had to be related to him…he just didn't know how or who they were.
"I try, amralime, I even made a small book where I wrote all of their names inside with a small drawing so I would not forget...but for the life of me I can't find that book." He sighed and shook his head as he peered through the clouds. As they cleared, he gasped as high above him, shining bright, was a fire moon. "Tauriel? Amralime? Say something! Is that you? Are you here?"
However, the clouds slowly covered the moon once more and the air around him cooled. Alone. He was alone. Another crack formed.
The days soon came when Kili began seeing lines in his face when he looked into the mirror, and his hands began to tremble and shake as he used them. Then his memory lapses became both more severe, and widely known through the mountain and in his family.
"It is age, darling. I am sure he remembers you."
Kili would hear through his open door. The red hair gave away who it was, Ithtiri. Oh, the times she was turned away from him and Kili swore it was his Tauriel. But she was gone. All he had of her, was the memories of their short time together, and the daily talks he had with her on the veranda that never ceased. Even if she never once responded to him.
"But, he promised to draw with me today." Kili heard a little voice say in response.
"He needs his rest." Ithtiri said. "Let your great grandfather sleep, Tauriel."
This nearly had him getting out of bed until he heard the little voice plead, "Can I at least give him the picture I drew."
There was a long pause as the little feet came running into the room as a little dwarfling tugged on the side of the bed. "Great gran da! I drew you a picture. It's okay you don't remember me. Nan says it's what happens when you get old, and you are really old. Arent' you?"
Kili didn't remember getting old…but he lifted his hands to see bent fingers and deep wrinkles lining his palms so he must be quite aged.
"I am Tauriel. Nan says I am named after her." The little dam pointed to the portrait of Tauriel hanging on the wall. "She was very pretty. I hope I look like her when I grow up. She's my great grand nan you know." The little dam leaned forward as if to whisper. "She was an elf. Do you remember her?"
Kili stared at the portrait. He painted that, he was sure. He then looked down at the little dam with red hair. She was still talking away, speaking about really nothing at all. Kili just listened as she went on and on, but eventually his eyes began to fall again, and he could not stop himself from drifting into sleep.
When he opened them, Finli sat on the bed. It was like looking at himself in the mirror and for a moment, he thought he was. "Hey da." Fin said, tears falling down his face. Kili looked up to see a circlet on his head. Fin was king…had been for some time now.
Kili tried to recall what happened to Fili…was he here? He looked around the room. "Fili?"
"No da, Finli, remember?" Fin said taking Kili's hand. "I'm your son…"
Kili nodded and smiled, lifting his free hand to cup Finli's cheek. "I know, Fin. I could never forget you. But…where's Fili?"
Finli's brows lowered in concern. "Da…uncle Fili died five years ago. Remember? Aunt Viltarra we lost just last year."
Finli looked up as someone who appeared to be a guard stepped into the room and he nodded to him.
"Sorry to bother you, my lord." He said to Finli. "I have a missive from the king of Dale."
"How is Bard?" Kili asked just before a spasming cough wracked his body.
Finli instantly grabbed a mug of water and lifted Kili's head, helping his father drink. It was the first moment Kili realized he lacked the strength to lift his own head.
Finli gave him yet another look of concern. "Da…Bard died a very long time ago…centuries ago in fact."
"Oh." Kili said softly as a healer stepped in. He could ignore the fact he had forgotten about Bard, but how had he forgotten his own brother had died? Maybe it was just another casualty of his shattered mind. Another painful event he had erased. Yet another crack.
Kili shut his eyes, the exhaustion was too difficult to ignore as he let himself drift into nothingness. He heard muffled sounds around him…cries from voices he recognized as his children…and cries of those he did not know.
Without warning, a fire burned in his mind as if the cracks that had been forming over time had caused his entire system to shatter. Kili screamed, but no sound came from his mouth. The pain, was nearly unbearable...burning, searing, stabbing, pulling...it was beyond his ability to tolerate yet his body forced him to remain conscious for every moment of it. Finally...after an eternity of torment, the pain just stopped and Kili felt everything around him darken once more.
Was this the end of his story then? Kili stared into the void of darkness around him. It was neither frightening…nor was it peaceful. Almost like a world in between.
Taking a cautionary step, Kili realized he had no problems moving forward so he slowly began to walk. His legs were a little numb, but he ignored it and kept going. Is this the path to his halls when one went the natural way?
"Kili…"
Kili smiled. He knew that voice. It was the voice of the angel in his dreams…the voice of the stars and the breeze…the voice that brought him to his knees. A voice he has not heard, in three hundred years. Tauriel.
"Amralime." Kili purred as he began to run then sprint. She was here. She was guiding him to their halls. He just knew it. "I kept my promise!" Kili loudly and proudly exclaimed to the nothingness around him. "I kept the promise I made you!" He never gave up, he lived just as he told her he would.
"Kili…"
She was here, he knew she was here. He closed his eyes and followed the call of her voice.
"Kili…"
Authors note: Is this the end of Tauriel? I guess you will have to read the next chapter to find out. I will TRY to post it either sometime late tonight, or more likely tomorrow. I better get back to my job now, my lunch is just about over. Love you guys, and hang in there...we can get through this.