The Greatest Story Ever (Annoyed Grunt)ed Ned takes the Simpsons to Israel. Hilarity ensues with Veggietales, Sacha Baron Cohen as a tour guide and cameos of the golems and Jurkle.
Plot
The title gag is Ralph being pulled into the air by a green kite.
The couch gag is the Simpsons acting like dogs at a dog show again.
Homer bites Bart when he goes to get his medal. They growl and fight.
...
The episode begins at the Flanders house. Ned is holding a bible club. Attending are the Lovejoys, The Hibberts, Jimbo Jones and Agnes Skinner.
"Thank you all for coming." said Ned. "Now. Let's start with the words everyone loves to hear... Welcome to bible study!"
"Ahehehe!" Dr Hibbert chuckled.
"Now today my reading ribbon is smack dab on Matthew 23. Now let us download the holy tweet of our Lord!" said Ned.
"Hey stop making this relatable!" yelled Agnes Skinner.
"Hey! As a youth, if I don't hear a computer word every couple of sentences, I'm outta here!" said Jimbo. He had drawn a halo above the skull on his t shirt.
"Duly noted." said Ned. "But we will make sure not to dilute the sacred gospel." Jimbo got bored and got up to leave. "Mousepad! Double click! Skype! Skype!" said Ned desperately. Jimbo sat down again.
"Matthew 23," said Ned. "Then spake Jesus to the multitude, and his disciples, saying..."
"Hey, my bathing suit came off!" said Homer.
"Aaaaaaaagh! It burns!" Oscar cried, seeing Homer nude.
Ned sighed as over at the Simpsons Homer had set up a water slide floor and the paddling pool. He was playing noisily with his children in their swimming costumes.
Homer went sliding down the plastic slicked with oil and landed in a paddling pool with a splash. "Wow it floats!" he said with wonder.
"Ugh! I'll handle this..." Ned sighed going next door to the Simpsons.
Bart and Lisa were riding on Homer as he slid down the plastic.
"Schnell! Schnell!" They cry in German as they bobsled towards the pool.
Hugo garbled in beastly growls as he ran about on all fours like a dog.
"Homer Simpson!" Ned yelled. Homer got up to hear what he had to scold him about. "You are the most infuriating, Netflix DVD Burglaring, Lawn mower borrowing and barbecue not putting out man I have ever met!"
Fumes from a still hot barbecue knocked out an owl. It fell onto the barbecue and caught light and was roasted to perfection. Oscar making enthusiastic Oooooohs and mmmmmmmms moved the owl about to make sure it cooked thoroughly. Once it was he used the tongs to serve it on a plate. He then pulled off one of its roasted legs and began eating it.
"Eeeeeeew! Oz..." Bart and Lisa groaned in disgust.
"Hold that thought." said Homer to Ned. He shook himself dry like a dog. All over Ned's green sweater.
Ned annoyed growls and storms off.
...
"Oh! That man is beyond redemption!" said Ned.
"Red Dead Redemption? Or just Redemption?" Oscar sticking his nose in asked.
Ned sighed and frowned at him.
"They are paying me to make a reference..." said Oscar.
"That May be true Ned..." said Lovejoy.
"I hear a but coming Reverend." said Ned.
"Here comes the butt!" said Homer sliding naked down the plastic.
The Simpson kids cheer and laugh.
"But I think you're up for the challenge Ned." said Lovejoy.
"Oh Reverend! I've been working my bible to the bone trying to save that man..." said Ned.
"You know Ned, God has never given up on anyone." said Lovejoy.
"What about Sodom and Gomorrah?" said Ned.
"He lovingly destroyed them!" said Lovejoy.
"Actually Reverend he only destroyed the city. He told the people to flee and never look back. Then Lot's wife turned into salt because she looked back..." said Oscar.
"Know it all..." Reverend Lovejoy sighed.
"I'm feeling rather salty right now Reverend." said Ned as Homer was next door sliding about naked on the plastic tarp he laid down and giggling.
Homer and the kids giggling.
"Why are the Simpsons at home acting shamefully with their blasphemous antics and not here at bible study? I fear they may have over powered Marge!"
Marge was indoors tied up and gagged.
Eric was playing with his toys. Ie hammering shapes into the wrong holes.
"Ned, instead of pushing Homer away, can't you find a way to reach out to him and bring him in?" said Lovejoy.
Ned sighed and reluctantly agreed to try to get through to Homer.
"Anyhoo, Matthew 23." said Ned. "Ah all no man on Earth father as the one father is in heaven."
"Not even you, Daddy?" Rod asked.
Ned sighed exasperated.
"I'm confused..." said Todd.
...
At the Simpsons house in the backyard. Homer pulled up some of the lawn and wrapped a square of it round himself like a skirt. Then Bart, Lisa, Hugo and Oscar arrived with a blasphemous shrine with Santa's Little Helper painted gold sat upon it.
"A booga booga wooga!" Homer chanted Aku Aku sounds as he worshipped the false idol.
The kids bowed to the false idol.
"Homer, Homer!" Ned called. "Homer!"
"Yes Ned?" said Homer.
"This weekend the bible study club is going on vacation to the holy land. I'd like your family to come." said Ned.
"Hmmmmmm, let's see... go to a war zone, on a hot sweaty coach full of religious lame-os, to a country with no pork or bacon in a desert with no casinos... hmmmmm let me think... no!" said Homer.
"But!" Ned asked.
"I said no! N O spells no! Get it?!" Homer said aggressively.
Ned sighed and went home, maybe he'd catch Marge later on.
"It also spells on backwards..." said Oscar.
"Shut up!" Homer snapped.
Homer continues making Booga booga wooga sounds as he danced around the golden Santa's Little Helper shrine.
"And now boy, we will pray to King Talky Tiki!" said Homer somehow getting a new King Talky Tiki after burning him.
"Bow yo me! Or face my wrath!" said Homer with a megaphone as King Talky Tiki.
"No way man!" said Bart.
He made King Talky Tiki breath fire at Bart.
Bart yelped and dodged the flames.
"Dad! Why is my bird house on fire?!" Lisa yelled as in a tree, a small bird house was on fire.
"Um... the lord King Talky Tiki works in mysterious ways..." said Homer.
Lisa frowned.
"Now to perform an Aztec heart offering to the sun..." said Oscar.
"Uh... no..." said Homer.
"Kali Maaaaa..." Oscar rasped.
Bart face palmed.
"Oz Kali is a Hindu goddess... And that movie is inaccurate..." said Lisa.
...
Suddenly Marge must have pulled a Houdini and untied herself and marched outside madder than a hornet.
"Homer J Simpson! You tied me up and made us miss bible study club! Which is all we have for church while Lovejoy's church is closed for fumigation and laying down mouse traps! And what's worse I find you in your underwear annoying the Flanders with false idols! And another thing! Why is the dog painted gold?!" Marge nagged.
"Here we go again..." Homer sighed as Marge continued to nag.
"And another thing! Flush the toilet after you've been!"
"Marge! How wonderful to see you!" said Ned as his bible study club went home.
"Ned! I am so sorry we didn't come to bible study club!" said Marge warmly to Ned.
Homer grumbled.
"Well Marge, the bible study club is having a vacation to Israel. Or as you could put it, a pilgrimage. Wanna come?"
"Why Ned!" Marge's face lit up. "We would be hon-" said Marge but Homer interrupted.
"I said no! That means no!" Homer shouted and ushered his family inside.
Marge frowned.
"I think a vacation to Israel would be lovely..."
"Mom I'm buddhist..." Lisa frowned.
Marge seethed.
"Marge I love Disney..." said Oscar.
"I don't see that as problem dear." said Marge pinching his cheeks.
"Uh Walt was an anti-Semite..." said Peter Griffin.
"That's just a stupid rumour..." said Homer.
"Well he froze himself..." said Peter.
"No he didn't..." said Homer.
"Well you physically can not die at Disney World..." said Peter.
"Pretty sure Mickey could still kill you if he was inclined to..." said Oscar.
Homer did not want to go on vacation to Israel. Especially with Ned.
"I don't wish to disappoint the Buddha, oh wait. My religion doesn't involve appeasing an angry god..." said Lisa smugly.
Marge seethed.
...
Marge was furious with Homer. She paced up and down the lounge.
"Homer you can be so infuriating sometimes! That man next door is trying to save your soul!" said Marge.
"I don't want saving! Especially by stupid Flanders!" said Homer.
"Oooooh!" Marge lost it.
(Furious yelling between Marge and Homer over something.)
"Yikes! This argument is getting bad!" said Bart.
"We better give them some space..." said Lisa.
Hugo eavesdropped on his parents arguing. Bart dragged him away by his shirt collar.
"Hyeeeerk!"
"So where is Ned planning on taking us?" Oscar asked Bart.
"Israel." said Bart.
"Oy vey..." Oscar groaned in a Jewish manner.
"Oz don't..." Bart sighed.
Some time later Marge at least got Homer from stubborn to petulant child mood. "Now Homer we are going on that vacation with Ned!" said Marge.
"Ooooooooh!" Homer groaned.
"And we're paying our own way!"
"Oooooooh!"
"And put on some pants..." Marge sighed.
"Oooooooooh!"
"That man really hates wearing pants..." said Bart.
The Simpsons went over to Ned's house he was surprised but happy to see them.
"Well hi diddly ho neighbourinos! What brings you round here?" Ned asked in an annoyingly friendly manner.
"We have decided to take up your offer to go to Israel." said Marge.
"Ooooooh!" Homer groaned.
"Well that's a horse of a different colour! I'll sign you lot up and get your tickets!" said Ned.
"Hehehehe! Wizard of Oz..." Oscar chuckled.
"Mom is very pleased you are still trying to get Dad into heaven Mr Flanders." said Lisa.
"Coooool! That means more Hell for me! Mwuhahahaha!" said Bart laughing evilly.
Marge gave Bart a disappointed look.
"Also I want to try something called pita bread." said Ned.
"Well we'll be there Ned! See ya this weekend!" said Marge cheerful.
"Well bye diddly eye Neighbourinos!" said Ned.
"So Mom, how did you get Dad to back down?" Bart asked Marge.
"I threatened to divorce him." said Marge.
...
A plane lands at a major airport in Israel. Probably Tel Aviv. Well I don't know what to tell Aviv...
Bart groaned and face palmed,
While they land there is Hebrew singing. Well the singing of psalms in Hebrew.
The plane lands on a wine glass wrapped in cloth and crushes it with its wheels.
"L'chaim!" said the air traffic controllers in Hebrew. The plane was now happily married to a fighter jet.
The Simpsons as they got off discussed with each other their agreements for coming here.
"Your mother threatened to divorce me..." Homer groaned.
"I agreed if I got to bring Krusty." said Bart.
"Hooahahahaha! And Krusty's brought his papa!" said Krusty laughing as Rabbi Krustofski followed him.
"Oy! It so wonderful Herschel! Thank you! Thank you my boy!" said Rabbi Krustofski. He was tearful.
"Awwwww! Don't cry Dad..." said Krusty.
"Where's Penelope?" Hugo asked.
"Oh she had to see her sick mother..." said Krusty.
"And Sophie..." Hugo asked.
"Is it really important to mention I am now married and a father..." Krusty sighed.
Uh yeah...
"Well I only agreed to go if I could bring Jurkle and his family." said Oscar as Jurkle who looks like Chuckie Finster crossed with Neil Goldman from Family Guy. He arrived off the plane with his parents. "And the golems..." Oscar added as Mr Golem and his wife made of play doh stepped off the plane.
Bart face palmed.
"Oh and Kyle and Caiden the werewolf babyfurs... Their grampa is jewish..." said Oscar.
"Enough of the meshuggah!" said The elderly werewolf.
Bart groaned.
Quiffy was wearing horrid, eye-searingly bright Hawaiian shirts. Um he likes Magnum PI...
"They also attract the ladies..." said Quiffy wearing a Hawaiian shirt.
"And Coop from Kid vs Kat stole your ted shirt with an orange stripe..." said Oscar.
"Oz you can't copyright a generic shirt design..." said Bart.
"Yes I can..." said Oscar.
...
However as soon as the passed through security Homer got himself in serious trouble. He was hogtied by angry security guards pointing assault rifles with knives stuck on them at him.
"Homer for Pete's sake! Just tell them what they want to hear!" said Marge.
"I can't! Latkes aren't better than American pancakes!" said Homer.
The guards tightened his ropes.
"Okay! They're alright with apple sauce..." said Homer.
The guards sighed. "Release him..." they cut Homer free.
"A truck load of apple sauce!" Homer taunted them.
Plot 2
The Simpsons, the bible study club, Krusty and his dad, the Jurkle's family and the golems were at the conveyer belts getting their luggage.
"Oy..." Jurkle's Dad groaned.
"Krusty, I've been meaning to ask... why are you here?" Lisa asked.
"As a Jew, I believe every Jew should make a pilgrimage to Israel once in his lifetime." said Krusty.
"That is true." said Lisa.
"Don't Wanna end up in Hell! Hooahahahaha!" said Krusty.
"Krusty, Jews don't believe in Hell." said Lisa. They believe in pushing boulders up mountains in limbo until God finally forgives then and lets them into heaven.
"That's Sisyphus in Greek mythology..." said Oscar.
Lisa scoffed annoyed at being corrected.
"No Hell! Thank you kid! You made my day!" said Krusty. He went in an erotic strip club called the Gaza Strip Club where loud music was playing.
Oscar hummed nonchalantly as he went in the strip club.
"Oscar no!" Lisa groaned.
"Bart! Get off of the conveyer belts!" Homer yelled as Bart rode on the conveyer belts.
"Looks like this is our entire group. The Flanders, The Lovejoys, The Hibberts, Principal Skinner and his mother..." said Lisa.
"Seymour! Comb your hair!" said Agnes nagging.
"Jimbo for some reason..." said Lisa.
"I have no idea why I'm being religious this episode..." said Jimbo.
"Krusty and his dad, Jurkle's Family, the golems..."
"Uh This is a Christian pilgrimage..." Ned explained.
"Israel is sacred to the Jews..." Oscar insisted.
Jurkle nodded.
"Bart I said stop riding on the conveyer belt!" said Homer.
Peter, Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland arrived to cause offense.
Peter laughed.
"Go away..." Oscar snapped.
"Nope!" Peter grinned.
...
More Hebrew singing played as we pan around important locations within Israel. The golden dome mosque, the wailing wall, Bagel boys, Lard Lad's basically but with bagels instead of donuts.
"Mmmmmm! Savoury donuts..." Oscar moaned while drooling.
"Oz... they're more like sandwiches or crusty rolls..." said Jurkle wearing his skull cap. (Yarmulke)
"Well I want a pizza bagel..." said Oscar.
"Uh..." said Jurkle.
"Pizza... BAGEL!" Oscar yelled. Collector for the win!
"I wonder if Bagel Boy ever comes to life as a killer advertisement mascot?" Homer asked.
"Oy! He does! Every Passover! Such a Schande!" said a Jewish lady.
Bagel Boy, the Bagel Boys mascot came to life and roared like Godzilla while smashing up things.
Lisa on her saxophone and Jurkle playing his fiddle played Just don't look! Just don't look!
Everyone paid them more attention than the advertisement mascot smashing up buildings. He returned to being a lifeless metal construct.
"Well that's that sorted out..." said Jurkle.
Then they arrived at their hotel. The wailing Waldorf. There was a fiddler on the roof playing a small violin! XD!
"Oy! Fiddler on the roof..." Jurkle sighed.
"Hey! I pay you to clear the leaves out of the gutters!" said a hotel worker. The fiddler sighed and used his fiddle to clear out leaves from the gutter.
"We better stop off at our rooms Marge. Jurkle burns very easily." said Jurkle's Mom.
"So does Ace." said Oscar.
Ace was on fire. "No, the sun is killing me! Get me indoors and in a dark room at once!" Ace cried as he burnt alive.
In their hotel rooms. Jurkle's Mom was putting sun cream on Jurkle.
In Bart, Hugo and Oscar's bedroom, Oscar had brought more ridiculous characters with him.
"Okay, my Great-Uncle-wears a-ski-hat-all-the-time Tamaki will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then monkey rabbi. Hey, where's the monkey rabbi?" Oscar couldn't find the monkey Rabbi.
A monkey dressed as a Rabbi hooted and screeched.
"Here's your Torah." Oscar gave the monkeys Torah.
Bart grimaced exasperated.
Hugo winced.
...
The tour group then went to the meeting area where tour groups await their tour guide.
Oscar face palmed.
"What's wrong Oz?" Bart asked.
"Peter Griffin and his friends are here being really offensive..." said Oscar.
"Hey, here's our coach! Driven by a Palestinian!" said Peter Griffin.
He and his friends got on the coach.
"Allahu Ackbar!" Someone on the coach yelled and it blew up.
"Ah... politics..." said Peter filthy with soot and burnt clothes.
The Simpsons were in a queue with the rest of the tour group.
"It feels so historical here! Why Jesus himself could have held a meeting in conference room C!" said Marge. Yeah sure. Those doors are probably only five years old and newly installed...
Oscar face palmed and growled as Peter and his friends were still being offensive.
Joe Swanson was throwing coins and Mort Goldman clones were picking them up like pigeons with bread crumbs. Joe whispered with glee as his friends watched.
"Guys! Knock it off!" Oscar yelled at them.
Eventually the tour guide for the Simpsons and their tour group arrived. He was a man called a Jacob who is voiced by Sacha Baron Cohen, for hilarious reasons... he brought his daughter with him.
"Welcome, welcome! My name is Jacob!" said Jacob the tour guide.
"You may notice I speak English with a slight accent." said Jacob the tour guide. "That is because as you have already guessed, I am from London originally! That's why I sound like a Hugh Grant!"
"Yes, it's very nice!" said Oscar talking like Borat.
"Oscar don't make fun!" said Marge telling him off.
"Come on! We have lots of holy sites to see! Yallah!" said Jacob. "We finish early, we go to jewellery store owned by my cousin! No seriously! I kid! Great prices! You gotta haggle or they don't respect you! Come on! Let's go!"
"Um excuse me Jacob but do you have any safety tips?" Marge asked.
"What are you talking about? Israel is the safest country in the world!" said Jacob.
"Allahu Ackbar!" A Palestinian screamed and blew himself up in an explosion.
"Uh just ignore that, that's demolition..." said Jacob. "The only danger is dehydration. Drink plenty of water, don't die. It looks bad on me." said Jacob. "Come on. Shut your face! Let's go!"
"But the brochure said-" said Marge but Jacob quickly interrupted her.
"Brochure? Brochure?" said Jacob in a french accent. "Brochure? Who wrote your brochure? The same Schmuck who. Wrote the New Testament that's who! I can't talk to you. Talk to my daughter Doreet. She handle your questions."
"Doreet talk to the stupid people..." said Jacob to Doreet.
...
"Shalom, goyem." said Doreet.
"Shalom..." said the tour group.
"Shalom is the Aloha of this place." said Marge.
"Okay, okay. You done talking lady?" asked Jacob. "Who is licensed tour guide here? You or me? Now everybody we have no time to see Masada! Everybody died there for nothing!"
"Awwwwww! I wanna see Masada!" Oscar whined. "Thanks Marge!"
"Okay, okay! We go see Masada! Sheesh!" Jacob sighed.
Everyone was at the Masada fortress.
"Bart! Get down from there!" Homer told off Bart for doing something he shouldn't be doing.
"Oh my! Hugo you're burning! Put some sun cream on this instant!" said Marge putting sun cream on Hugo and rubbing it into his neck etc.
"Okay next stop, old city." said Jacob. "Come on, let's go! Please, shut your face!"
"Hmmmmm... I really wish he wouldn't tell us to shut your face..." Marge sighed.
"The Old City! Where BC turns to AD!" said Ned. "Let's go!"
"Flanders, that stuffs been around since forever. But the breakfast buffet at our hotel, which was included in our package closes in ten minutes!" said Homer.
"Homer that's not why we're here..." said Ned. "We can see the stations of the crosses!"
"After we see the stations of the omelet bar!" said Homer.
"But!"
"Damn it Flanders I'm hungry!" said Homer.
"You're always hungry tubby..." said Bart.
"Why you little! Make fun of my weight!" Homer strangled Bart.
"I wanna go sight seeing!" Oscar whined. He screamed loudly hurting everyone's ears.
"Oscar! Stop screaming! Homer unfortunately wants to fill his stomach..." said Marge telling Oscar off for screaming.
"Let's put it to a vote." said Ned.
Unfortunately everyone voted with Homer to have breakfast at the buffet bar
"I can't believe we lost Reverend..." said Ned.
Reverend Lovejoy was eating a plate of food.
"These blueberry muffins are bigger than the ones we had at Pachunga." said Helen Lovejoy.
"Finally something you like more than Pachunga..." Tim sighed. Helen frowned at him.
More Hebrew singing as we arrive at a church on mount Zion.
"Okay shut your face Hebrew singing. This here on Mount Zion is King David's tomb. Or your Lord Jesus, who was a native Israel by the way. Sandals, circumcised and perfect English accent had his last supper here until they took him and nailed him on the cross!" said Jacob. There was a man looking around.
"Hey! You are not part of tour group! Go away!" said Jacob to the man.
"It is Israel. It is free country." said the man.
Jacob started screaming and shouting at the man in Hebrew and swearing.
Marge and Homer were shocked and covered their children's ears.
"And because of that guy there is no Armenian Quarter! It's gone! All because Mr Listen for free!" said Jacob annoyed at the freeloader.
"I want to go to Armenian Quarter! Yaaaaaaiiiiieeeeeeeeee!" Oscar screamed.
"Okay! We go to Armenian Quarter! Shut your face screaming little boy!" said Jacob.
...
Ned was praying to a statue but Homer interrupted because he was talking loudly while recording Bart doing a handstand and walking on his hands. Bart rested his feet on Ned.
"Flanders! Your not supposed to help him..." said Homer.
"Yeah... thanks a lot Flanders..." said Bart.
Hugo was walking upside down on his hands.
"This is a thing between me and Bart. Go away..." said Homer to Hugo.
Hugo sighed and got back on his feet.
Ned sighed.
Then Homer asked Ned to do Dracula impressions.
"Homer I don't do Dracula impressions..." Ned sighed.
"Come on!" Homer asked.
Ned sighed. "Bleeeeeeeh!" He made a vampire sound.
"Hehehehe! This is going straight on Stupid Flanders dot com!" said Homer.
Then Homer ordered a big falafel with sausages and cheese and other toppings.
"Yes I know what a falafel is..." said Homer.
"Bleeeeeeh..." said Ned doing Dracula sounds.
"Can you not... That's offensive to my people..." said Ace, a vampire.
Oscar was extremely bored. "Boriiiiiing..."
Lovejoy frowned at him.
Marge sighed. "Oscar try not to be so heinous..."
Teddy, Oscar's living teddy bear sniffed his shorts with his big, wet, shiny nose.
"Ugh! Cold wet nose..." said Oscar.
A Food delivery guy arrived.
"Who ordered the falafel with all the trimmings..." said the delivery guy.
"That would be me." said Homer.
"Homer you just ate..." Marge sighed.
Homer scoffed and ate his falafel...
...
Everyone went to the wailing wall. Where people put pieces of paper with prayers on them for God to consider answering.
"No graffiti, no- Hey what did I just say!" Jacob told off Oscar for graffitiing the wailing wall with red spray paint. He was tagging "El Barto" on the wall.
"Oscar!" Marge told him off.
Krusty asked God to cancel several parking fines.
Bart read the prayers. "Sad. Sad. Sad. Never gonna happen. Sad. Sad. Maybe if you were Brad Pitt..."
"What are you doing boy? We're supposed to be acting all religious!" said Homer.
"Reading and ignoring everyone's prayers like God would..." said Bart.
Oscar wrote. "Please kill Sideshow Bob" on one and put it in the wall.
"Oh here's one from you Dad." said Bart. "Please don't let Marge know the hotel leaves chocolates on the pillows?" Bart laughed.
"Why you!" Homer strangled Bart. Bart wrote a prayer. "Give my Dad another heart attack! Why you!" He strangled Bart.
Bart escaped from Homer and rode his skateboard along the top of the wailing wall.
"Smite him! Like the first born sons of Egypt! Dead baby, dead baby, dead baby, pass over, dead baby..." said Jacob.
Action music played as Dorit chased after Bart as he skated along the wall.
Plot 3
Bart fled Dorit but she kept on him. He startled chickens that squawked.
Young Link popped out of a basket and sliced up the chickens killing them. Then he wondered why they didn't summon their brethren to peck him to death.
Bart then went down a street, then followed a truck and released matzo balls at Dorit. She dodged them and Orthodox Jewish men caught a matzo ball each in their hats. Um... what is that a reference to?!
Bart then eluded Dorit by going in a crowd of Jewish people. But someone called for prayer in Hebrew. A Chazzan is singing the call to prayer basically. Suddenly all the Jewish people dropped down in prayer. Bart was easily visible.
"D'oh!" Bart groaned and he skated away with Dorit after him.
Oscar was nearby when Jurkle and his parents heard the Chazzan and suddenly dropped down in Jewish prayer. Praying in Hebrew.
Oscar thought it would be funny to kick Jurkle up the butt and did so. "Huah!"
"Ow!" Jurkle cried. "Oz I am trying to pray! Get down!"
"Nuh Uh. I don't pray that way. I'm Christian." said Oscar. "The church bells tell me when to pray."
Reverend Lovejoy had brought a bell on vacation with him. He rang while calling his flock round. "Hear ye! Hear ye Springfielders it's prayer time!"
Homer and the boys and Oscar groaned as they all gathered round on their knees to pray.
"Oh quit whining!" Marge sighed. "Homer I can't carry both babies! Hold Eric!"
Homer took baby Eric. The blue haired baby Simpson.
"Eeeew! He's stinky..." Homer groaned as he could smell that Eric's diaper needed changing.
"Quiet please everyone while we pray." said Lovejoy.
Much to Marge's chagrin Lisa was meditating with a laughing Buddha statue in front of her and Bart was holding a cross with prayer beads and praying in Latin.
Marge grumbled annoyed.
However Scratchy didn't pray so God smote him and sent him to Hell.
"Narrator that was an episode of Itchy and Scratchy." Bart sighed while praying the Catholic way.
Oscar was on a food delivery app on his phone ordering a falafel.
"Oscar turn that off! We're praying!" Marge told him off.
Oscar pouted.
Ned was in deep prayer.
...
After prayer was over Bart went about the wailing wall area only for a dramatic musical stinger note to play as Doreet found him.
"Oh crud!" Bart said and she chased him about the place again. Through Orthodox Jewish men walking, past Bagel boys and an area full of Mort Goldmens.
"Enough of the Mort Goldmens!" Oscar yelled.
Then past Mr and Mrs Golem.
The play doh golem laughed like Fran Drescher. Aaaaaagh! Kill it! Kill it!
"Wait, why am I running from a girl?" Bart stopped running. "Hey babe, call me after you've had your Bat Mitzvah... Prrrrrr!" Bart tried to seduce Dorit.
"Hiyaaaaa!" she performed a sort of judo throw on him and he landed on a market stall breaking it.
Bart got to his feet and made a karate stance. "Karate!" He said fiercely.
Doreet made a similar martial arts pose. "Krav Maga!"
Raimundo, Oscar's friend from Xiaolin Showdown arrived and took up a martial arts stance.
"Capoeira!" said Raimundo.
"Raimundo we are not doing a Brazil episode. Go away..." said Bart.
With a Hmmmmmmph! Raimundo left.
"What's Krav Maga?" Bart asked Dorit.
"It's Israeli martial arts. Like karate but less Hiyaaaa... (In a high voice) and more Hiyaaaaa! (In a fierce low voice)" said Dorit, going for Bart.
They sparred. Eventually, Dorit got the upper hand and hand Bart lying on his back with her foot on his stomach.
"Wow, you don't fight like a girl! Or even a Milhouse!" said Bart.
"Yaaaaaaaiiiiieeeee!" Came Milhouse's silly karate scream from somewhere as he flailed his arms.
Bart sweat dropped as Milhouse's attempts to save him ended in failure with Dorit fly kicking him away.
"I don't know what this Milhouse is. I help my father out with tour security! I deal with American punks like you all the time Bart Simpson!" said Dorit. "Yes I know who you are! We have a file on you." Dorit showed him her mobile phone with a wanted picture of Bart.
"D'oh said Bart.
Suddenly he had a way to distract her. "Hey look! It's the ark of the covenant!"
We pan over to Oscar melting from Gods power as ghosts fly out off and about the ark of the covenant as Oscar's skin and flesh melts off horribly.
"Aaaaaaaaaaghhhh!" Oscar screams as he dies.
"Shut your eyes Marion! Don't look at it!" said Indiana Jones to Marion Ravenwood.
Bart leg swept Dorit whole she was distracted and took a stance. "Karate!"
"Once again, Krav Maga!" yelled Dorit. They sparred and Dorit grabbed Bart's arm and grappled him while kicking his groin.
"Ow! Quit kicking my groin!" Bart groaned.
"That is point of Krav Maga. No groin, no Krav Maga. Hello Groin! Hiyaaaah!" Dorit explained as she carried on mercilessly kicking his groin non-stop for an hour, before finally dropping him to the ground and standing on his balls triumphantly.
"Bawwwww! My Squeedly Spooch!" Bart groaned in agony.
...
The Springfield tour group reunited once Bart rejoined them. Hey we're now outside the tomb of someone important in the bible. Based on Jacob's description of him, probably Jesus. The tour were licking lemon ice sorbets.
"Hurry up and finish those! No food allowed inside!" said Jacob. Then he grabbed Lovejoy's and threw it. "Now in here is the tomb of someone very important. We call him underpants man!" Hehehe! Underpants man... "but you know him for his white gown, his sandals his perfectly conditioned hair... oh! That's some good hair conditioner!"
However in the tomb Homer annoyed Ned because he changed his ring tone on his phone to Ned doing Dracula's Bleeeeeeh!
"Homer stop playing that!" Ned yelled.
"I'm not! That's my ring tone!" Homer answered his phone. "Yello? Oh hi Lenny!"
Then Homer annoyed him by keeping a collection of not photos of all the wonderful sites and locations they've seen. But photos of funny Israeli soft drinks.
Ned growled. "You spent all that time today taking pictures of Israeli soda?!"
Then Homer went to sleep in the tomb of Jesus.
"Homer do you have any idea who was buried here?!" Ned yelled at him for sleeping on Jesus's tomb.
"Um... Porky Pig?" XD!
"All hail Porky Pig! All hail Porky Pig!" Oscar chanted in the tomb. Despite dying earlier to the ark.
"Th-th-th-that's all folks!" said Porky Pig as the Looney Tunes theme played.
"Oz no!" Bart whined.
Apparently that really annoyed Ned because he smashed Homer's camera to pieces and got kicked out and banned from the tomb.
Ned was so angry he lost it with Homer. "Raaaaaagh! You hairless ignoramus, dunderhead fat ass moron! Can't you do anything right?!"
Homer was shocked by Ned's outburst.
"Homer... you are not worth saving!" Ned said coldly.
"But!" Homer stammered.
"Not worth saving..." Ned stormed off.
"Oh thanks a lot Homer! Go and find him!" Marge yelled.
"Ooooh!" Homer whined going after Ned.
"All hail Porky Pig! All hail..." Oscar continued being blasphemous.
"Enough!" Jurkle yelled.
...
Homer thought Ned went into the desert and went out there. But Ned had merely got a coffee to calm himself down. "Well that's Jekylled this Hyde." said Ned. "I think I'll rejoin the tour, oh! A sandstorm! Never mind I'll wait it out in the cinema. Oooooh! Reformers!"
The cinema was playing Jewish transformers. Oh god! Yes! XD!
"Orthobot Prime. The battle begins!" said Jewish Megatron.
"Wait! We can't transform on the sabbath!" said Orthobot Prime.
"You're right! Let us power down and contemplate a Torah." said Jewish Megatron.
Their arms transformed into Torahs and they sat down and read aloud in Hebrew.
"Coooool!" said Oscar eating popcorn.
"Reformers! Transforming robot rabbis!" Jurkle sang the theme tune.
"You guys should be helping me find my dad! Not watching ridiculous parodies!" Bart ranted.
In the desert Homer found a camel.
"Ah! The horse of the desert!" said Homer. He rode the camel in the sandstorm. "Flanders! Stupid Flanders..." he called for Ned but it was hopeless. He was lost in a sandstorm.
Eventually the camel died so Homer had to walk. "Oh! There's sand in my shoes!" He whined.
"Thirsty... I am so thirsty..." sang Homer now in his underwear wearing his shirt on his head.
Meanwhile Stewie was in another area of the desert with a diaper on his head naked. Then to stay alive during the night he Star Wars the Empire Strikes back Tautaun's a camel. He sliced open its stomach to sleep in there.
Its slimy guts pour out.
"Ugh! Gross it smells even worse inside it!" said Stewie crawling inside the dead camel.
Homer found water, the Dead Sea. There was a sign reading Dead Sea and the same thing again but in Hebrew letters.
Homer stupidly drank from the Dead Sea. Which is really salty. "So salty! Perhaps it needs more salt." He poured in more salt and drank some more Dead Sea water. Then to dramatic music he faints and the tide goes out.
A heavenly tone plays as the Veggietales descend from heaven! Oh god! Double yes! Hehehe!
Homer cried when he saw the Veggietales. He sobbed before them.
"You have been chosen Homer." said the pickle.
"Chosen for what, oh mighty Gherkin?" Homer asked the cartoon vegetables.
"Rise and listen well, my child. Yours is a great destiny..." said Almighty Gherkin.
Homer however when he was found by emergency services was chanting Pickle, Carrot, Tomato! Pickle, Carrot, tomato! Over and over.
...
Homer woke up in hospital with a Marge by his side and Doctor Hibbert examining him.
"Oh Homie! Are you alright?" Marge asked.
"I think so..." said Homer.
"Damn!" Hugo groaned.
"Homer you're lucky to be alive staying in the desert that long!" said Dr Hibbert.
Ned arrived with flowers.
"I heard what happened. I am so Sorry Homer! I hope you can forgive me."
"Of course my friend. For I have been reborn... I am, the messiah!" said Homer getting out of bed.
"Oh dear god..." Dr Hibbert said horrified.
"No your not! Brian's the messiah!" said Israeli villagers.
"No he's not!" said Terry Jones in falsetto as Brian's mother. "Now you listen here! He is not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"
"Oh god triple yes!" Oscar giggled at the reference.
"No! Dear god no! No Monty Python Oz!" Bart screamed.
Oscar laughed.
"I better channel my rage elsewhere. Like emptying the sand out of my backpack..." said Bart.
He empties sand out of his backpack, and shells and starfish...
"I didn't know we went to the beach a few months back..." said Bart.
Homer ran off to the dome of the rock.
"Homer no!" said Marge.
"Hmmmm! It seems a Homer is suffering from Messiah syndrome. We must get him back before he does anything stupid." said Dr Hibbert.
"Oh no! Dad is heading for the Dome of the rock! The area of Judah sacred to Christians, Jews and Muslims!" said Lisa.
"Oh God!" Dr Hibbert gasped.
"Hold on! I have to reschedule my cutaway gags and wacky characters! Okra Winfrey thinks I still need her next Monday!" said Oscar as they drag him along.
Bart sighed.
The Veggietales characters shrugged.
Oscar while being tugged along by Marge considers creating a show about a time-travelling werewolf...
...
Homer was wearing a messiah robe speaking to Christians, Jews and Muslims.
"This is a panther card. Raaaawrrr!" He showed off his credit cards.
The people were baffled by this and the lack of context.
The Simpsons got Jacob to take them to the Dome of the Rock.
"Okay, okay, shut your faces..." said Jacob.
"This is the Dome of the rock. Where Abraham nearly sacrificed his son to prove his allegiance to God. Also it's sacred to Muslims for some reason but get a Muslim tour guide for that..." said Jacob. "Who wants a photo with me? You can hold my gun!" Jacob had a machine gun.
"Hmmmmm! No thanks!" said Marge.
"Oh oh oh! I wanna hold your gun!" said Oscar.
Marge frowned at him.
Cousin Hank was there.
Oscar frowned and shot Cousin Hank in a hail of bullets.
"That is not a toy..." Jacob took back his machine gun.
Everyone went in to find Homer addressing the three faiths. They hoped he wasn't making an ass of himself...
Also there was an Evil Ned... He was a Detroit Lions fan...
Ned was horrified by Evil Ned.
Plot 4
Homer saw his family and his friends enter.
"Look upon me and shudder!" said Messiah Homer.
"I already do, Dad." said Bart.
"Why you! Lord smite this child!" said Homer.
"Homer you're not the messiah!" said Marge.
However Homer wouldn't listen.
"People! Attention all Christians, Jews and Muslims. I have gathered you all to form a new faith! I call it... Chrismujews!" said Messiah Homer.
The crowd murmured.
"I don't know..."
"Hehehehe... Christmujews..." Oscar chuckled.
"Because. When you get down to it... aren't all religions the same? They tell you what to eat. When to pray. How this imperfect clay we call man can be moulded to resemble the divine." said Messiah Homer. "But we can never attain that ultimate grace while there is hatred in our hearts for each other!"
Ned's face lit up. "I did it! I've finally reached him!"
"Celebrate your commonality! Some of us don't eat pork. Some of us don't eat shellfish. But we all love chicken right?" said Homer.
"He's right!" said the crowd.
"You can simmer it in a tagine!" said a Muslim.
"In a soup, you can boil it!" said a Jew.
"Spread the word! Peace and chicken!" said Homer.
"Peace and Chicken!" Everyone chanted.
Everyone applauded Homer. For the first time in history he united humanity of all faiths.
"Oh Homer!" Marge clapped proud of Homer.
However Agnes also caught Messiah syndrome.
"Don't listen to this fat idiot! I'm the messiah! Avert your eyes from my wrinkly arms!" said Agnes showing her wrinkly arms.
"Eeeeeeeeeew!" Everyone screamed.
...
Outside the dome of the rock the three faiths united cheered and carried their messiah Homer.
"Piece and chicken! Peace and chicken!"
Meanwhile Marge was signing a questionnaire card from Jacob the tour guide.
"And the back..." said Jacob.
"Okay! Okay! You're so pushy!" said Marge.
"Pushy?! I'm pushy?! You try being kicked out of Spain and living through massacres and then you try telling me I'm pushy!" Jacob ranted. "You're enemy is Canada? You try dealing with Syria and death and chemical weapons! Then we'll see who's pushy!"
Marge sighed and left him to continue ranting.
"Remember my teachings, everyone! Peace and Chicken!" said Homer.
"Peace and Chicken!" all the Christians, Jews and Muslims chanted.
"Therefore, Colonel Sanders is the second coming of Jesus!" said Oscar eating fried chicken from a KFC bucket.
Bart annoyed by Oscar's silliness put a Death stalker Scorpion (Palestine Yellow) down his shorts. It stung him and he died.
"Gah!"
Up in heaven, the Veggietales smiled proudly of Homer's deeds as he completed his destiny to become the messiah.
"Well, Lis, It looks like yet another adventure is coming to a close." said Bart.
"I'm just glad Dad and Mr Flanders have made up. And Dad did something so noble today..." said Lisa.
"It'll never last... some idiot will blow himself up and everyone will go back to hating each other..." said Bart.
"Like you and your new girlfriend, Dorit..." Lisa teased Bart.
"She is not my girlfriend! Besides, she's not interested in me!" said Bart.
"Well, whatever the case, she taught me a valuable skill." she replied.
"What's that?" Bart asked.
"Krav Maga!" Before Bart could retort, Lisa grabbed him and repeatedly kicked him in the groin for the rest of the day, making him bawl his eyes out.
Jesus sighed. There was also a time-travelling werewolf.