Chapter 5: Lunch with Hat Guy

"Hello." Alhaitham took a seat.

The man in the hat looked up at him from his book, and he had a very unnerving stare, Alhaitham thought. A pity – Alhaitham was a master of unnerving stares himself, so he stared right back until the man sat back and crossed his arms.

"What do you want?"

"To sit here."

"Fine."

Alhaitham placed an apple on the table, clearly on the other man's side, signalling it was meant for him.

"What's this?"

"An apple."

"I'm not blind."

Alhaitham sighed as he bit into his own apple. "It's for you."

"Why are you giving it to me?"

"I hope you'll eat it."

"Do you know how suspicious that sounds?"

The Scribe shrugged. "I don't even know your name, Hat Guy, so who's the suspicious one here?"

"We've been somewhat acquainted through Lesser Lord Kusanali for several months now. I don't understand why you're offering me an apple today."

"I'm pretending that we're friends having lunch together. To onlookers, we could be having a pleasant conversation if you wipe that scowl off your face."

Hat Guy relaxed his expression, curious about what would make Alhaitham approach him for something like this. He picked up the apple, inspecting it before taking a bite. "You could have picked anyone in the Akademiya to have lunch with, yet you sought me out?"

"You're the best candidate. I'm not familiar enough with many people here, although they are familiar with me. If I sat down with another person and said we're having lunch as fake friends, the story would likely spread like wildfire throughout these walls. I trust that by choosing you, that won't happen. Besides, I'm under the impression that our informal meeting will benefit you too."

"If you think giving me free food is a benefit, you are sorely mistaken. Perhaps you should seek out that housemate of yours. Oh, but did I hear he moved out?"

"He did, but the food was not the benefit I was referring to." Alhaitham took another bite of his apple, wondering how Hat Guy was so well-informed about his living arrangements, or rather, why he had bothered to retain that information if he had heard it in passing. "I believe Lord Kusanali would be pleased to see you interacting with others rather than keeping to yourself. If she's watching, or has someone watching on her behalf, then this meeting is a good one."

"I'm not sure that being friends with you is something she was hoping for."

Alhaitham cocked his head ever so slightly. "What's wrong with befriending me?"

"From what I've seen and heard, you're not exactly a shining example of how to interact with others and make friends. Besides, if I wanted friends, I'd make some."

"Fine by me. As I said, I'm only looking to pretend we're friends." He stood up and walked away.

ooo

"Again?" Hat Guy asked as Alhaitham slid into the seat opposite, this time placing a peach on the table.

"Friends meet up regularly."

"You didn't get round to telling me why you're pretending to have me as a friend," Hat Guy said, reaching for the peach. "I know you and the General Mahamatra are friends, so why not go find him?"

"He said he prefers peace and quiet at lunch."

Hat Guy looked confused. "Are you not renowned for reading all the time and not talking to anyone unless necessary? Why, if you weren't so insistent on talking to me, I'm sure we could easily sit side-by-side, ignoring each other for hours."

"Cyno is also part of the group I am trying to deceive."

"Then, I am even more confused as to why you chose me. The General Mahamatra knows enough about me to know I have no friends."

"And the General Mahamatra knows enough about me to know I would not seek out any random person to attempt to befriend." Alhaitham bit into the peach and it was juicer than expected as he thumbed some of the juice from his chin. Hat Guy lowered his own, deciding to keep his for later. "In order to make this believable, you're a good candidate. I should approach someone with a similar temperament, who I think will understand my way of thinking."

"Then I still don't understand why you chose me. I think there are many people similar to you here."

Alhaitham thought there would be a large number of people who disagreed with that sentiment, but Hat Guy's world view seemed quite different from the average scholar.

"When I no longer need to pretend we are friends, we'll part ways and neither of us will long to see the other again. Normal people would feel used if I did that to them."

Hat Guy placed a hand over his heart, fingers grazing the gold ring that housed his vision. "And why are you so sure I wouldn't feel the same?"

Alhaitham stared into those deep blue eyes. "Call it intuition. But I've also been upfront with you from the start, so I would be surprised if you suddenly developed some sort of friendly attachment to me. I certainly won't be developing one for a guy who won't tell me his name."

"'Hat Guy' is a fine name, given to me by Lesser Lord Kusanali herself. I don't see why it's not good enough for you."

"You might as well call me 'Pen Guy' then."

Hat Guy chuckled. "I think 'Earpieces Guy' is better. It's your distinguishing accessory."

Alhaitham stood up and left, mainly because there was peach juice all over his hands and he wished to wash them.

ooo

"Hello, Earpieces Guy."

"Hat Guy."

"What fruit have you brought for me today?"

Alhaitham set down an orange and Hat Guy nodded.

"Good, hopefully this one won't be as messy. So, are you ever going to get to explaining why you're deceiving a group of people by pretending to be my friend?"

Hat Guy's eyes widened as he watched Alhaitham materialise his sword in order to nick the orange and create an easy peeling point. He made a point of digging a nail into his own orange to demonstrate how easy it was without additional tools.

"My friends think I don't have other friends. I'm proving them wrong."

"Ha! You are proving nothing. Maybe you should stop wasting your time with me and find some real friends."

Alhaitham frowned. "I don't want or need more friends. Those guys are enough for me."

"Have you told them that?"

"…Yes. Maybe. Perhaps not as plainly as that. I also told one of them that I have been meeting other people for lunch and so can't meet him. Hence, I am here with you."

Hat Guy scratched his cheek. "Wait, so you're not having lunch with your real friend in order to have lunch with your fake friend to prove to your real friend that you have other real friends, who are in fact fake?"

"Yes."

"Humans are fascinating," Hat Guy mumbled to himself. "You may think there's something wrong with me for not wanting any friends, but you're the one that's actually messed up. Between the two of us, you're making me sound like the normal one. I'm certainly not qualified to give you any advice, but I think you should probably go and have lunch with this real friend."

Alhaitham paused in peeling the pith from his orange segment. "You're right, maybe we should just sit in silence and read together."

"Did I hit a sore spot? Is the truth too hard to handle?"

"Enjoy your orange," Alhaitham said as he got up to leave.

ooo

"Wow, you actually came back," Hat Guy said as a sunsettia appeared in front of him.

"My real friend isn't here today."

"Oh? He isn't here? Or has he given up inviting you after so many rejections in favour of me?"

"He works in a studio most of the time."

"So, he's been going out of his way to invite you for lunch and you still said no? What did he ever do to you?"

Alhaitham didn't answer; he cut the sunsettia in half and turned his attention to his book.

"Hm? That bad, huh?" Hat Guy mused. "And people wonder why I don't have friends."

A/N: I am in desperate need of more Wanderer interacting with anyone he's likely to be seeing on a regular basis.