Chapter 51: The Funk (But Not The George Clinton Kind)

ADOPTION IN HELL, EDITION 666.

A book Bee-Lzebub wrote and published herself. A rulebook specifically dictating the procedures should demons desire to adopt.

Hellborns always sought to expand their families or acquire pets. Sinners always desired souls to own, which made it harder for them to earn the Queen of Gluttony's stamp of approval.

But an Overlord coming with an application? And seeking a private audience with her? Bee never anticipated that.

Overlords COULD have heirs. It wasn't that big of a shock. The Von Eldritch clan, Hellborn and immortal, had Helsa and Seviathan born in it. Human mob families tended to die and reunite in Hell, thus Carmilla Carmine still had her daughters by her side. Those were the exceptions. Aside from the whole 'sinners are cursed with sterility', Overlords were generally not what Bee would define as the 'nurturing type'. And they were so confident in their own immortality, why get a backup to inherit their status?

In her train of thought, the Queen of Gluttony got interrupted when her companion opened the door. Vortex had just finished talking to the Baphomet doctor.

"Hey, Bee?" The Hellhound closed the door. "How you feelin'?"

"Sweeter than honey, babe!" Bee smiled. "What'd the doc say?"

Vortex hesitated. "Well… He said it might not be safe to go back to Gluttony… Like right now! Things got pretty intense, and I don't think that meeting with the other Sins helped…"

"Of course it never helps." Bee turned her chair. "Mam's the usual bitch. Commenting that I was getting fat! What, 'cause I'm the Sin of Gluttony, I should encourage obesity That's his thing!" Bee's flowing hair quickly shifted to yellow, but the pain in her stomach made her sit back down. Vortex rushed to her side.

"Babe?" He squeezed her hand.

Bee inhaled and exhaled sadly. "I just… Those vibes were awful… Auggie's trying, and only Ozzie and I gave a shit about him!"

"You're way better than the aunts the kid actually has." Vortex went to the room's mini-fridge and pulled out a plastic water bottle.

"And Cain…" Bee looked at one of the framed pictures she had on her suite's walls. August's sixth birthday. Bee had thrown a party at her palace for him. Cain holding his happy little boy in his arms was one of the few times Bee really felt a happy vibe from the First Murderer in the past sixteen years. "His energy's getting worse… The Celestial Eclipse coming so soon…" She got up.

Vortex frowned.

He'd never seen his girlfriend be so depressed. And it wasn't her current condition speaking.

"He'll give up on everything again…" Bee looked out the golden windows of her suite, showing a pleasant view of the Pride Ring's Gluttony Sector. The red sky's light gave the sector's yellow clouds some cotton candy hues. "I've known him since the start of Hell… The twins are the last energy he has left…"

Vortex gently hugged her, being careful with how her wings pressed against his chest. "Bee, you honestly felt it. When you interviewed the Radio Dude."

"He doesn't know who she is." Bee shook her head. "Perhaps the glamour spell Levi placed to hide her."

"But you DID sense it. What's in him? The same thing Cain has for both twins." Vortex held his Queen Bee's hands (yes, all four of them) in his. "The kid's safer with those who got her back. And Cain will never forget that you helped keep his kids safe."

Bee started to smile a little. "Well… The prophecy might NOT be fulfilled." She chuckled. "I wouldn't have you if I took the caste system seriously."

Vortex's hands trailed towards her waist, finally resting on her stomach. The blue and yellow fluids in her pink stomach flowed gently in circles, bubbles circling around the small shadow in a protective formation.

Bee felt the negative energy flow out of her system, going through the umbilical cord to feed their reason to fight the prophecy.

…

Four days passed.

Ximena and Katherine stood on the hotel's rooftop, posing like gargoyles. A handy tactic as former Exorcists when it came to ambushing demons, but an even better one now as the hotel's new nurse and security officer. Their actions during the Mistletoe Truce had been enough for the hotel's demonic patrons to trust them and go about with their business.

The garden truly was the ideal spot for outdoor activities and dining. Beneath them, some patrons engaged in outdoor yoga. The ex-Exorcists could care less about that.

They focused more on the blue demoness drinking coffee with Husk's owner.

"I CANNOT believe this!" Ximena hissed.

"Can we stop now?" Katherine asked. "Your 'we-got-scared-because-she-came-with-the-Prince-of-Envy-and-trashed-up-mobsters' excuse won't last long."

"I used the Mistletoe Truce, got infected by lamb's blood, got our angelic natures traded to save our friends, and she wasn't even in the hotel!" Ximena threw the binoculars on the floor, smashing the lenses. "Prim traded her community days for a charity she hates just so Martin could see his granddaughter, but hey, Adam rips up the permit, keeps Martin and Psyche away from the hotel, targeted the hotel because the kid was supposed to be there, but NO! She was outside! We could have tracked her, led Martin to her, give her the whole talk, but no! Now it's the end of the world in 6 months from now, and we can't even give her the talk because of the rules! FUCKING HATE THE RULES!"

The patterns on Ximena's body emitted flickering lights.

"And why's she so chill with Husk's boss, huh?" Ximena looked over the rooftop. "Hanging out with THAT Overlord? Why?"

Katherine processed, then hit a realization.

"OOOOOH!" Katherine leaned over her comrade. "You LIKE him."

"Ew! Why would have a thing for an Overlord?"

"What? No! I meant Husk!"

"Yeah, he's been a good friend and guide this past week…"

"His drinking has dropped from his usual thirteen bottles a day to two." Katherine smirked. "And Nifty didn't have much to clean in his room… An interesting change, eh?" She poked her comrade on the temple. "You like him…"

"Can we go back to the actual end of the world issue?" Ximena shoved her away and resumed her spying.

They were gone.

"AW, come on!"

…

"Aw, come on!" Indigo protested.

"Young lady, a no is final."

The ex-Exorcists found the Overlord and cambion having a debate in the lobby and discreetly observed from the Mezzanine.

"But I've been behaving all week!"

"6 days do not make a week until you include one more day, Ines." Alastor crossed his arms.

Ximena and Katherine quietly gasped at the Overlord mentioning the child's real name.

"I've already apologized about Extermination Day!"

Alastor led Ines to the couch. Dropping his radio filter, he sighed. "Ines, I am more concerned about what nearly happened to you than what you did." Black hands with red tips held up small blue ones. "You are selfless and brave, but you still lack full control. We nearly lost you. And I am not permitting that again!"

Ines wanted to say something. But she couldn't.

"You're not trapped in a tower, Ines. Just be patient. I just need to hear back about something, hopefully soon, and THEN I will be reassured that you can go out unharmed. I just need you to be patient. Can you do that for me?"

Ines' eyes were blank.

"Ines?"

Her whole body was shaking.

"Ines?" Alastor cupped his hands on her cheeks. Her lack of response made the Radio Demon lose his smile.

"Kid?" Husk dashed over from the bar. "Is she zoning out?"

"And she wonders why I don't want her going out with her friends just yet!" Alastor picked up the paralyzed teenager in his arms. Katherine and Ximena sank deeper within the mezzanine's shadows while the Radio Demon teleported upstairs with Ines. Husk typed a text rapidly.

"Hey, where are Alastor and Indigo?" Nifty ran into the lobby. "Something bad happened!"

"Tell me about it! Indigo had some kinda relapse. Kid's REALLY not handling the stress." Husk stormed through his cabinets for some medication.

"Oh no! Now two bad things happened!"

…

Whatever happened to Indigo Caligo during Extermination Day was still unknown to the Hazbin Hotel staff besides the three words Angel Dust and Alastor gave.

She was outside.

Whatever happened affected her mood. One moment, she seemed to recover. Laugh a little. Cry a little about her friends now up in Heaven. Catching up with Octavia and Loona on the phone. But then, something random the demons might have said or done left her paralyzed. They actually started to miss the butterfly swarms caused by her usual outbursts.

Nifty showed them the 'something bad happened'. The butterfly homunculi, the Hotel's staff, were becoming emotionless. They only did their work and didn't interact or react to the patrons. Even Vanessa the fiery-tempered one had lost her flame. But the worst for Nifty was when the Sentiency Schnapps failed.

Scrunchy had reverted into a lifeless plush toy. Nifty cried from losing her bad boy. Indigo didn't even react when they showed her Scrunchy.

Your existence is a mistake, Ines Coeurdor.

Charlie had tried engaging Indigo in some art therapy. Thirty minutes later, the walls of the room were coated with the exact same, repeated sentence.

Ximena and Katherine looked sadly as the demons kept trying to cheer her up. Give her space to open up.

"Gosh…" Katherine bit her lip. "Martin and Augustina would be devastated. She's so broken…"

Vaggie caught up with the ex-Exorcists in the hallway. "What are you doing?"

"Hating my life?" Ximena offered.

Katherine pushed Ximena away.

"Just concerned… How's… the child doing?" Katherine caught herself before she could say the child's real name.

Vaggie sighed. "Not well… I don't even know what happened. We don't know what can help her."

"You guys really care for that sinner, huh?"

Vaggie chuckled. "I was… pretty paranoid… Oh, who am I kidding? La cagué mucho!" Vaggie pinched her nose.

Ximena groaned in frustration.

"I didn't trust her once, and for what? The chica helped us so much… Angel Dust's actually progressing, and Alastor's… oddly affectionate towards her." The eye-patched woman sighed. "I'm failing at protecting Charlie and the hotel!"

Ximena got up and stormed off.

"Xi?" Vaggie called out.

"You're not the only one who feels like they failed, Vivienne." Katherine referring to Vaggie by her human name startled the silver-haired latter. "Failed as a guardian angel. Failed to protect you within the ranks… Blamed herself when you fail…"

Vaggie crossed her arms.

"You're doing a better job protecting people here than we ever did up there." Katherine tucked a loose strand over Vaggie's eyepatch. "You hate yourself right now, but you and Charlotte? Never seen a love that pure and devout. I think the hotel's in good hands with your protection."

Vaggie sniffed, wiping her hand against her teary eye.

The reassurance made her feel less like a failure. With a bit more assurance, she headed to join the others.

Meanwhile

The Princess of Sloth made an appearance at Vox's private mansion, with Velvette in attendance. Proudly holding out her arm, a hollow rhinoceros horn dangled from her fingers with a cord. The pink concoction within it was still boiling, releasing ghostly vapors.

"Spit in it," Sahara ordered Vox.

Vox's gurgling came with flashes of electricity. Velvette gagged in disgust when her colleague's oil-colored spit landed in the horn's concoction. The concoction's pink hues darkened to a saturated magenta. Foam erupted out of the horn and flowed onto the floor, trailing away in serpentine movements. Vapors formed a giant heart, eventually transforming into an inviting manifestation of Vox. Everything cleared and Sahara corked the horn.

"THE. SIMPLEST. LOVE POTION! Easily made of nightshade nectar and ground petals brewed in a hollow rhinoceros horn!" Sahara presented the potion to the Overlords. The concoction from within made the horn glow. "Direct exposure will make the victim madly in love with the DNA's owner!"

Velvette leaned down for a sniff. She quickly backed away in disgust. "UGH! Like, it smells like Vox's best cologne AND Vark's litter box!"

"What? The potion's scent will vary depending on the user's DNA!" Sahara gave the potion to Vox. "An ounce usually makes the victim fall in love quickly, but past five seconds? The victim's pretty tough."

"SOOOOOO, I'll just splash him with the whole thing!" Vox laughed cruelly.

Back at the hotel

Redemption wasn't on their bucket list, but Shreveport, Capone, and Mad Mats had been returning to the hotel during the week following the Extermination. The garden project had remained strong. The sole chagrin was that they couldn't tell goodbye to their ascended friends.

They couldn't see their boss, yet they were made aware of the situation. The demoness who helped them out had an issue. The one who inspired them had lost her flame.

Shreveport was the first to knock on the stable door. For some reason, their boss had hidden in the unused stable to stay clear of the demons trying to help her.

"Boss?" Shreveport opened the door.

"Señorita?" Capone called out.

The three found Indigo curled against the wall.

"Leave me alone," she grumbled.

"Boss…" Mad Mats sighed. "We're sorry about what happened to Queenie and Jinx… But they're in Heaven now."

Indigo got up and started to leave.

Shreveport and Caiman blocked her way to the door.

"Boss, we can't leave you here like this," Shreveport said. "Ya need help."

"Pep talks don't work on me."

"Duh! But we came with a solution!" Capone pulled Shreveport and Mad Mats close to him. "The shit you're feeling? Tíralo a nosotros!"

The butterfly demoness squinted at the caiman demon.

"Excuse me?"

"Tíralo a nosotros!"

"Puedo hablar español, idiota!" Indigo snapped. "Why the Hell would I want to hit you guys?"

"Sometimes demons stronger than us like to beat up weaker ones to vent out." Mad Mats shrugged.

"I get that, but why would I hit YOU guys?" Indigo gestured to the demons.

"You never know. It could help ya loosen up the beef ya got bottled up." Shreveport pulled away. Searching around, he found a loose brick. "Here. Give us a concussion with this."

The brick was placed in Indigo's hand.

"Hey, maybe you should be the chew toy!" Mad Mats pushed Capone forward.

"What? Por qué yo?"

"Guys, I appreciate you helping me out… But hitting you guys isn't it." Indigo put the brick down and pulled the door open. The garden's fragrant breezes did nothing to appease her. Dropping on the grass, Indigo stared up at the red sky. From below, Heaven looked like Hell's equivalent of the Morning star. "I fucked up big time…"

The other demons sat down.

"We all fucked up here…" Mad Mats crossed her arms. "And the first Extermination? Always the hardest."

"Yeah, remember when we were all here? And this place was a dump?" Shreveport waved at the garden. "I told ya about how both my folks and I died together and landed in Hell. Extermination Day of 1918. And they saved me?"

"Yeah, and you watched them get erased." Indigo rubbed her eyes, sitting up. "It wasn't your fault."

"No, I still blame myself. Just, not every second of every minute of every year I survive here… And you? You could have saved your fucking hide, but you chose to save your daddies. And they're still alive to tell the tale." Shreveport pointed at Indigo's chest. "Ya got a bigger heart than most of us."

"Maybe… But they wouldn't have gotten into it if they didn't have to worry about me."

"Chica, when I died, I found both of my parents in Hell. My padre and I were just as confused about why my madre was in Hell. The familia stuck together, but on my THIRD Extermination Day in Hell?" Capone hugged himself. "We left a friend's evening party too late. We used the sewers to navigate underground so the angels wouldn't get us. When we reached our neighborhood… They got close… We put sangre de Cordero on our roof in case the bitches were superstitious or something… They still got closer… I watched my own madre push my padre to the angels."

Indigo gasped. "Capone, I'm so sorry."

"No te preocupes, mariposita." Capone shrugged it off. "My madre got caught ten years ago. Not by angels, but by local mobsters. What she did to my padre? Still not happy about it, but it taught me something important. Incluso el amor es condicional cuando hay que sobrevivir."

"What the… The hell is wrong with you?" Indigo got up. "Prioritizing survival over love?"

"Cap, what the fuck are you saying to her?" Shreveport smacked Capone with his tail.

"What? It's true!"

"Why the fuck would I prioritize my life over theirs? They did everything for me! I got scared…" Indigo paused and squinted. If there was a reason for not smiling at a crocodilian, Capone was the best reminder. The demoness sighed, acknowledging that Capone's reverse psychology had worked.

"During my first Extermination, I intoxicated my colleague's landlord and we pushed him out the window," Mad Mats casually said, earning a disturbed look from the crocodilian demons and the butterfly demoness. "Ya don't want to know."

"But ya get what we're saying, right?" Shreveport asked Indigo.

"Maybe?"

"And what did you learn?"

"That… you guys probably had it way worse than me, so I shouldn't complain?"

"Ay… Se desvaloriza mucho?" Capone groaned.

The demons headed back inside the hotel.

"Point is, we got no blood to fight for." Mad Mats pointed at Shreveport, then Capone, and landing finally on herself. "Ya got those who lost their loved ones on day one. Those who chose survival over family. And then you got shitshows. But you? You probably went through some shitshow for those bitches because you love them. Everyone's a loser down here, but a loser knows how to find their family."

Indigo snorted. "You getting philosophical, Martha?"

"Don't get used to it."

It was a bummer that the three had to leave to resume business shit, but Indigo appreciated their words. Watching them leave, she started to think that one of them was bound to return, not as a volunteer, but as a patron. Husk was tending to some winged cat demoness at the bar. Unsure if it was a depressed patron or a new fling, Indigo chose not to bug him. One quick walk to the elevator and go to the private upper levels was all she needed.

With everything that had happened, Alastor and Angel Dust had agreed on establishing a shared penthouse, with Charlie's permission on the renovation. With the news of two Hellborns ascending, Lucifer had to provide some 'backup', and the hotel was experiencing ongoing renovation. The hotel's upper east wing now had a penthouse strictly for the Overlord, the porn star, and the mess-bringer. From outside, Alastor's radio tower looked like a demented black wendigo with blood red fangs. Very much like his actual house under the Radio Tower of Cannibal Town, a general 1930s aesthetic filled the common area. The area by the ceiling-tall window served as both the dining room and the living room.

The living room's primary source of entertainment started playing casual jazz. Turning her head, she found Alastor finishing up whatever he was cooking. Snapping his fingers, shadows opened the skeletal-themed cabinets and set the table.

"Just in time for supper!" He cheerily filled the bowls. Indigo inhaled the scent of his signature dish. She checked the grandfather clock, the skeletal gator tails pointing to 5:50pm. Hopefully her friends were enjoying the match at the Kaiju Klub…

Angel Dust still hadn't returned.

It was very annoying.

The volunteers' 'pep talk' might have snapped her out of her funk. Indigo grunted.

"Manners, young lady," Alastor warned as he brought the food over.

"Uh? Oh… Sorry about that…" Indigo sat down. "I'm back to my senses, and I realized something."

"Really? And what brilliant discovery have you made?" He took the seat on her right.

"Angel's back to work, and I hate it." Indigo stabbed a piece of meat roughly with her fork and shoved it in her mouth.

"Dear, are you still upset about him spending his first earning of the year on you? Try not to think much of it, he and I had that discussion already. If it cheers you up, I did acquire more of those galettes you liked. For your dessert."

"Thank you, but I wasn't thinking about money. Or my diet for once." Indigo didn't want her guilt to kick in. Now being on the loop, Angel had done his best to use the NV app to help Alastor track down the most insignificant ingredients loaded in envy. Indigo had managed to satiate her hunger despite her week-long depression, she could go back to eating regular meals without her hunger turning every non-envy flavored food into venom.

And Alastor's jambalaya was impossible to hate.

"I got used to Angel Dust being at the hotel all the time… I'm irritated that he's at work and not here."

"Ah… Attachment issues? Separation anxiety?" Alastor looked at her in concern. "Were you also in such a dilemma around your biological father, Ines?"

"Not really… But that was different when I was alive! I didn't have to worry about falling in Hell, wondering what I did wrong, why I'm a sin-devourer, and why some demons have it out for me while I barely know them… And…" Indigo stopped eating.

"And what?"

"Nothing."

The static coming from Alastor's smile was enough of a warning.

"OK, so MAYBE back then, I didn't have my whole 'my existence is a mistake' depression…" She stirred her jambalaya aimlessly. "Maybe I've repressed over the years how people thought of me. Everyone has them, right? I mean, who cares what people think about you being a loser because you couldn't ice skate anymore? Or that your phobia of whales is dumber than a real fear, right?" Her stirring went rapid. "Or people acting all 'what the F' when my French-Colombian heritage is involved, like 'you sure you're not making up being a minority, 'cause your skin's white'? Or not getting my asexuality? Or distant Catholic relatives wondering why my dad kept me around, I'm un engendro antes del matrimonio? 'Hé, Aaron. Pourquoi as-tu toujours le truc que la salope t'a laissé? 'Hey, Ines, whatever happened to your mom? Oh, that's right, you don't have one!'"

Indigo chowed down her jambalaya until no stain was left in the bowl. Calming down, her hands pulled her hair back. "It was easier to deal with those problems when I was alive."

Alastor reached for Indigo's hand, a stern look in his eyes. "Ines, the damned souls who thought horribly of you were the mistakes."

She inhaled. "I can't blame others."

She took care of cleaning the dishes and kept going until she was certain that her reflection was visible on the surface. Fat Nuggets rubbed its head against her leg. Indigo smiled and picked him up.

"You're not a mistake, Fat Nuggets, right?" Indigo playfully booped the pig's snout. "No! You're perfect."

"And if our porcine fellow could talk he'd…"

Alastor took a step back. His antlers suddenly grew, but the darkness in them was… moving. The Radio Demon stumbled on a cabinet.

Indigo held Fat Nuggets tighter.

Five minutes

Indigo was reading through a book entitled Oh Deer Problems When You're A Deer Demon!

"OOOOOOH!" Indigo looked up from the book and at Fat Nuggets. "On Earth, Cervidae shed their antlers at this time of year because rut season is over, and they need to get rid of the shedding velvet! Problem is, deer demons have to deal with the whole 'antler shedding shit' for a whole week if rut season hasn't been consummated." Indigo closed the book. She spotted Alastor moving a pair of scissors close to his antlers. "What are you doing?"

"Removing the velvet, dear."

Indigo reopened the book.

"Alastor? When was the last time you plucked your antlers?"

"Ha! Never, dear! I've had them stitched to my scalp! The anti-rut medication helps me deal with that dreaded season, so why bother losing such beauties when a good trim can fix it?" A ribbon of velvet was stretched from his right antler.

Indigo grabbed the scissors away from the Radio Demon.

"You can't do that!"

"Dear, you could have just asked rather than snatching my scissors!"

"Alastor!" Indigo waved the book at him. "It says here that deer demons like you must shed once a year!"
"Shedding my antlers would leave me vulnerable for a week," Alastor stood firm.

Indigo read a particular paragraph. "'If a deer demon has intentionally neglected to shed their antlers annually, the eventual shedding or permanent damage of the demon's antlers will lead to bacterial infection, constant migraines, and an increased testosterone level that won't leave until the demon has accomplished the missed years' worth of rut season consummating.'" She slapped the book shut. "Your anti-rut medication won't work if that happens!"

"And what would happen?"

Indigo leaned over the Radio Demon ominously.

"You'll be living the existence-long stereotype that asexuality isn't a thing if you haven't fucked with the right people!" She hissed. "You're getting those hormone antennas off-of-ya before you become some kind of sex aroma machine for the next eighty years!"

Indigo quickly pulled out her phone. She knew only one person with the right tool set for the job.

Someone she was really hoping to see, but not like this.

The ringing ended and Indigo sighed.

"HEEEEEY, Octavia! How are you?" She spoke. "Sorry about saying no for tonight, and not talking to you for such a while, but I was wondering if you could come by with your taxidermy kit to rip my dad's antlers off his head! If not, sorry for bothering you! BYE!"

Indigo didn't even wait to hear an answer. Quickly hanging up, she threw her phone across the living room. Thinking of it as a game, Fat Nuggets fetched the device before it could hit the floor. Its tail was wagging when it proudly returned the phone to Indigo.

"Remind me to keep him away from my candlestick telephone," Alastor told Indigo.