*As I'm sure you've noticed, I haven't been updating much. on my phone is such a pain and I haven't had muhc brain power to deal with it. But now that I have a reliable desktop I'm going to try to be better. I've uploaded quite a bit to Ao3 that I have to transfer to here, so I apologize for the barrage of emails you might receive if you're subscribed!

Hope you enjoy :)

It's suspiciously easy for Bucky to climb the high compound fence, but he doesn't think about that right now. He just drops deftly to the other side and starts searching.

Steve's boot prints are visible, he obviously wasn't trying to hide his trail or perhaps he didn't think anyone would follow him. The way they're spaced tells Bucky he was full out sprinting, which means he could be anywhere by now.

A few miles out, he comes to a road, and looks left and right, unsure which way to head. He chooses right. Because the sun is setting to the left and he guesses that Steve wouldn't want to be staring into the fading sun with his sensitive eyes.

Another two miles and there's a gas station. Nothing else. Just a little locally owned gas station.

With one tall, blonde, 19 year old sitting on the curb outside it.

Steve hears him, he knows this. But he doesn't look up. Bucky sits down beside him and stays quiet.

Steve's face is flat and expressionless.

The sun dips lower, setting the sky afire with oranges and reds, yellows and pinks. The curb beneath him is cold.

"I remember before we met." Steve finally says. "How excited I was to get into that summer program."

Bucky tilts his head, listening intently.

"I'd been watching the mail for weeks. Determined to get to my acceptance letter before Mrs. Schmidt could see it. I wanted to know whether I'd made it or not. If she'd gotten first maybe she would have ripped it up or thrown it away or forced me to do whatever she wanted just to let me go."

His shoulders move down as he stretches his neck. "But one day it came. And I was accepted. I hid that letter in the one drawer I was allotted and looked at it day and night. Always worried I was going to come back one day and it would be gone. She would have found it."

A car drives past, the driver looking at them curiously.

"But she didn't. And I lied. Telling her I failed a class instead and that I had to take summer classes to make up the credit."

"You did?" Bucky asks, "I didn't know that."

"I lied to her a lot."

Bucky frowns, "you say that like you weren't doing it out of self preservation."

"Lying is still lying, Buck."

"I'm not going to argue over morality, Steve." Bucky snaps. "Especially when it has to do with Mrs. Schmidt. That fucking abusive psychopath."

Steve's lips turn down into a frown but he says nothing.

"Don't-" Bucky grits out, "don't listen to those idiots back there. You didn't kill him. I'm glad. That would have been on your conscience."

"What if he kills more people?"

"That's not going to be your fault." Steve stays quiet and Bucky glares at him, "is Batman to blame for all the people Joker has killed?"

Steve turns to him, "yes."

Bucky's eyes widen, "what! No he's not! The Joker is the psycho killer!"

Steve nods, "yes. And I understand Batman's no kill rule." Then he says words that surprise Bucky, "up to a point."

He's annoyed now, this isn't the Steve he knows.

"Oh yeah? And what point is that?"

"In the essence of the comics, of course Batman and the Joker go at it thousands of times. He's a popular villain. But Batman follows the course of justice. He locks him up, tries to get him into a mental health facility. Hell, he puts him in Arkham how many times? Batman tries everything to keep the Joker from killing people. But nothing works. The Joker always gets free and always kills. Eventually there's only one option left. But Batman doesn't take it. He's tried literally everything else. And yet he won't kill the Joker all the while the Joker causes more carnage and death and destruction. Why is Batman willing to trade the Joker's life for everyone else's? Is he so certain he can "cure" the Joker? Fix him? No," he shakes his head, "at some point, Batman's unwillingness to pull the trigger when nothing else stops the Joker… That's when Batman's to blame." He blinks out at the dying sun, "even Superman kills when he needs to. Last resort, yes. But he does." Then he looks straight into Bucky's eyes and says, "when is someone's death more humane to everyone else?"

"How can you say that?" Steve's expression is tired, weary. For some reason Bucky's heart is pounding. Like he's being tipped upside down and the blood is rushing to his head. It makes a sickening sort of sense, he guesses. "Those are comic books. Not real life." He tries to say calmly, "it's fictional."

Steve nods, looking back to the road as a motorcyclist passes, "you brought it up."

"You're not actually saying you should have killed Raza then."

"No." Steve says firmly, "I'm not."

Bucky gives a silent sigh of relief, "okay then. We do it the right way. We catch him, charge him, lock him up."

"Arkham?"

The gentle jest is a welcome relief and Bucky shoves his friend's shoulder hard, "shut up."

Steve huffs a laugh and shakes his head and then grows serious. "I don't want to kill anyone." He looks over at Bucky, suddenly looking 15 again, "you know that right?"

"Yeah, Steve." He says softly, "I know."

"I'm only going to kill Raza when it's the right thing to do."

"Is killing someone ever the right thing to do?"

"I don't mean right like 'good'. I mean right like better for the rest of humanity. His death toll far outweighs what his life is worth already."

"You're not the decider of people's worth, Steve."

Steve frowns, "then who is? Castle?"

Steve has killed. So has he. Unfortunately it was part of their job. But having to kill and wanting to kill were different. Becoming desensitized to death wasn't something either of them wanted. They only killed when necessary. And no more.

He wasn't sure Castle shared that distinction.

Bucky's eyes widen, but he feels a sort of manic laugh bubble up, "Shit, you're 19 and I actually do trust you to decide."

Steve blinks and he grimaces, "I wasn't saying I'm the one who gets to decide everyone's fate." He clarifies, "I'm just saying, I will if and when the time comes."

"With you it's never if. It's when."

Steve shrugs, eyeing the little minimart attached to the station, "hungry?"

Clint holds Laura against him as they sit on the stoop, snow falling around them.

"Where do you wanna live?" He asks, resting his chin on the top of her head.

"You mean in New York?"

"I mean anywhere. Is New York where you wanna live? Or somewhere else?"

Laura tips her head sideways and then tips it up to look into his eyes, "why are you asking?"

"I'm thinking it's time for me to start investing in real estate."

She nudges him with her elbow and he laughs. "Seriously." She prompts.

"I can't live at Howard's forever." He states, "although that's my thought, not theirs. I'm sure they'd let me." She's listening, a snowflake hitting her cheek and melting, "but I want my own place to belong. Somewhere that's mine and eventually-" he grins, "ours. Hence why I want your input."

Her smile is so warm and endearing he leans down to kiss her. She smiles through the whole kiss and then scrunches her nose, "I don't think I wanna live in the city."

"Oh?"

She shrugs, "maybe the suburbs? Or a small town?"

"What, you wanna live on a farm?" He teases.

"I mean, why not right?" She's smiling, eyes twinkling in the street lights, "room to run. Trees for you to climb you freaking monkey." He laughs, "space to be ours and have a family. If you want one."

"I want one with you." He clarifies.

She grins, "good. My thoughts exactly."

Clint tips his head back and thinks about it, a small house on some land. Maybe he could plant some sort of fruit tree. "Somewhere close to a hospital?"

She nods, "or a little family clinic."

"I don't know how to be a farmer."

She laughs, the sound echoing of the apartments around them, "I wasn't being serious about having a farm. Just somewhere where we're not stacked on top of each other."

"Hey," He teases, "don't knock the city. It has its charms."

"Of course it does." She allows, "but I will have enjoyed those charms for over 20 years. I want different charms."

He narrows his eyes, "we better still be talking about houses."

She laughs and he grins.

It takes everything in her power to not shout the truth at Dottie. They're back in Russia and she wants to rake the woman to shreds for doubting her.

But…

She says nothing.

Who knows if Dottie would even believe her. And does what Dottie think about her matter? No. It doesn't. So she's not going to waste brain power thinking about it.

Her phone buzzes and she looks down. It's a text from Peggy

Have you heard from Barnes lately?

She frowns, responding: yeah, just this morning.

Okay

Natasha hits the call button. Peggy picks up quickly, "everything alright?"

"I don't know." Peggy answers. "Steve said he'd call when he could. And it's not that we haven't been in contact, but it's very sparse, and now it's been almost a day." her voice sounds more unsure than Natasha's ever heard it. "Before we split in London… He was being so strange. And I sort of tried to write it off because of Tony and everything Clint told me about the missions but…" her voice gets quiet, "I don't want to sound insane… but I almost felt like he was trying to tell me something or get me to break up with him."

"What!" Nataha exclaims, "no way! That's impossible."

Peggy's voice is resigned, "I don't know what else to think."

"Call him and ask."

"I did call him. Twice today. He didn't answer either time. And if Barnes and you have talked. That means he's probably had time and…"

"I don't know," Natasha admits, "but that's not like Steve. That guy loves you like the ocean loves the shore, okay? There's a lot going on for him. Or maybe there's something else. Okay? I'm sure it will be fine."

"I hope so."

She's never heard Peggy doubt herself like this. Even back with Lorraine it was more angry than it was unsure.

"Peggy." Natasha says, "do you want me to ask?"

"NO," The woman's reply is firm, "no, I don't want that. I trust him. We will work this out."

"Just talk to him. It will be fine."

"I know you're right. I'm just a coward. Because although I believe what you're saying, there's that tiny possibility he doesn't want to date me anymore and I'll be devastated."

"That's not what's going to happen."

Peggy doesn't respond.

"Romanoff!" her director calls, "Am I paying you to take phone calls?"

"Go get 'em." She hears Peggy say before hanging up.

Natasha grimaces and throws her phone on her jacket before walking across the stage to her director.

Steve stares at his phone. He was being such a coward.

He wants to ask her about the messages. But he didn't know if he wanted to hear the answers.

Two different guys? Asking her to hang out in ways that made them seem incredibly familiar with her?

He groans and leans back against the desk chair, the metal squeaking.

He just needs to talk to her about it.

But he doesn't even know how to start. So he calls someone else.

Clint walks calmly, keeping a slow pace and his eyes on the brunette in front of him.

She turns left on the campus, slipping out of sight behind a building and he quickens his steps, turning around the corner only to see a fist coming straight for his face.

He ducks, a startled "gah!" exiting his lips.

Then a breathless, "Clint? What the hell! Why are you stalking me!"

He looks up from his ducked position to her furious and confused expression, he blinks up at her, "uh… hey."

She furrows her brow, "is everything alright? Did something happen to Steve?"

He frowns, "not exactly."

She slams her hands onto her hips, "well then bloody WHAT! You gave me a heart attack! I thought I had a stalker!"

"One, your spatial awareness is phenomenal, geez I almost lost my face." She huffs, "two… I'm being a curious little brat."

Her eyes narrow. "Explain."

He grimaces, "can we go someplace more public so if you deck me I'll have witnesses."

Another huff exits her lips, "come on then, there's a coffeehouse round the corner off of campus."

Tony sips on a soda, relishing in the fizz as it gives his tired brain a little zing of excitement.

"Guess what!" He hears his dad shout, "got a present for you!"

He looks at his suitcase, the one he's going to take back to school for his final semester, "I don't have any rooooom." He shouts back.

But his dad enters holding a thick packet of papers, "your first sales call."

"My what?"

"Next month you'll be flying to some as of yet undisclosed location with these weapons. If things go smoothly, you'll be leaving it there and adding a nice chunk of change to your Stark account." His dad laughs and drops the heavy packet on his lap. "Unfortunately I can't be there, but I'm going to send Stane. Not as a babysitter but just as a representative. He's good at smooth talking but I have no fear you'll handle it just fine."

Tony stares at the front page.

The official Army seal on the front and a bunch of information underneath.

He looks up in surprise, "what? No way."

"Believe it. You're going to change the game with this. I just know it."

Steve and Bucky listen as they get their orders. Another mission, this time a two month long engagement over in the Mediterranean.

"Barton will join you when he's back from leave." Castle states, handing them packets of information. "This is more a stake out and glean information for an underground mining operation that is causing issues in the area. Only once we have orders to move in will we. And those orders may never come. So patience."

They both nod and he dismisses them. "Rogers." Steve turns back, looking at his commander with a questioning face. "Stick back. Barnes, go pack up with Blaze and Morita. They'll be with you guys but in the next village over."

Bukcy looks ready to protest but Steve shakes his head, "leave Bucky."

He glares at them both but complies, heading out the door. Steve turns, at attention.

"Fucking relax, Rogers." he snaps gently at him. And even through it all, he knows Castle is a decent guy. A good leader even if he's a bit worn down by the world.

"When do your guard dogs back off?" He asks without much heat.

"I haven't figured out how to make that happen." Steve answers plainly. "If you've got an answer I'm happy to hear it."

Castle huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. "I wanted to address the debriefing."

Steve goes still, unsure what he's going to say, "sir?"

"Don't bullshit me, Rogers. I'm not sir to you unless we're under fire."

Steve stays quiet.

"While I would have personally killed Raza, I understand your personal decision to not. I…" He rolls his neck and then gives Steve a meaningful look, "it's very rare I decide that someone made a better choice than me." Steve doesn't move yet, "I may not be thinking this way. Except that jackass who was here from up high berated me for not training my team to kill on sight." He wrinkles his nose, "something about someone above me telling me what I should do with my team doesn't sit right." He tilts his head, his short cropped hair reflecting the light on the strands that are starting to gray just slightly, probably more from stress than age, "I trust your decision."

"Sir?"

Castle doesn't refute the title this time. "I know you don't have a problem killing. You've done it on plenty of missions. Which means that you felt you shouldn't. I don't know how that will play out, but I trust you'll handle it as need."

"I'll kill him when I have to."

Castle's face grows somber, "I know." then he gives a wry grin, "it pisses me off you now. You do. Just in general."

"Sorry, sir."

"Shut the hell up, Rogers."

"Yes, sir."

"Get out of my fucking sight."

Steve grins, "yes, sir."

"Rogers?" He's halfway out the door and he pauses, just twisting his head back, Castle isn't looking at him, he's flipping through documents "don't change."

Steve grins, "yes sir."

Then Castle turns, facing away from him, a clear dismissal and Steve leaves, feeling relieved.

Peggy sits on the leather chair, a coffee in one hand and a concerned glare on her face. "Okay, we're in public, I have something sweet. Now tell me or I will start twisting arms."

Clint sighs… "You need to listen to the whole story before you react."

She narrows her gaze, "no promises."

Clint leans back in his own chair, sips at the hot chocolate, and then takes a deep breath. "Steve called me two days ago." Hurt crosses her face and he continues, "because he wanted some advice."

"From you?"

"Ouch."

She huffs, sloshing her coffee, "I wasn't trying to be a bitch I was just asking!"

He sniffs, "Yes from me."

"About?"

"He didn't think Tony was the right person to ask, and he didn't want to ask Bucky because then he knew Natasha would hear it and she'd call you."

"And Laura wouldn't?"

He rolls his eyes, "I haven't told Laura, because it's not actually any of her business. And Bucky doesn't seem to understand that concept when it comes to Natasha."

Ths she concedes to, nodding her head.

"He was worried he was screwing this up."

"Screwing what up?"

"Your guys' relationship."

She frowns, "what?"

"He's got himself all convinced he's messed up."

She's tense, jaw tight, "and he's telling this to you and not me, why?"

Clint grimaces, "he wanted to ask what I did to keep Laura happy."

Her hands are clenched around her cup, "and what gave him the impression that I was unhappy?" her voice is tight and clipped.

Clint's grin is rueful, "see, I asked that same question too. And he wouldn't tell me." he grins, "at first." She's sitting there obviously agitated, but she stays quiet. "He's afraid that since he decided to leave… he hasn't been fulfilling you enough for your relationship. Hasn't been here, loving you."

Her nostrils flare, "I have never said anything of the sort!"

"I know, I asked him if you had and he said 'no'. So I asked why he said that and he was very reluctant to explain. He just thought there was some irrefutable proof that he wasn't doing enough, that you might be looking for more." He watches her eyes widen and he nods. "Exactly. He said you were looking for more and my alarm bells started ringing." He tilts his head, "I asked him if you had tried to advance on him again physically and he said 'no' and that left me with one option."

Her mouth parts, eyes glazed, "he thinks I'm cheating on him?"

"He didn't say those words. Refused to in fact. Refused to even admit that there might be a hint or that he saw anything. When I asked-" she glares at him, "It's Steve!" he snaps, "of course I'm going to ask. No offense, Carter, I love you but my loyalties lie with Steve, and I was confused why he would feel this way. Steve isn't a big overreactor. So I was all confuddled about what had brought this up. I had to do my due diligence."

"So he doesn't think I'm cheating?"

"I don't know what the guy thinks. He just said, he was worried he wasn't being enough for you and wanted my advice on some ways he could show you how much you mean to him."

She slams her coffee down on the table and grabs her phone, clicking a few buttons and holding it to her ear. Clint blanches, "Carter!" He lunges and she waves his grabbing hand away, "Carter, stop!"

She glares at him and fends off his attempts to snatch her phone. Until she growls out a frustrated sound and drops it on her lap, "how is he thinking he's not loving me enough and then not answering his phone!" The shrillness of that last word makes Clint grimace.

"He admitted he was too scared to talk to you."

"What!" she balks, then tries to calm down, "why?" she grits out through clenched teeth.

"Tried asking that and he clamed up."

"Call him."

His eyes widen, "what? No-"

"Call him, Clint." Hearing her say his first name is bone chilling. She sounds desperate. "Please-" she begs, "I need to speak to him. He's been avoiding me, and-" she sucks in a breath, trying to appear like her usual composed self, "I don't understand and it is starting to hurt my feelings."

The doorbell jingles and he glances at it but she rests a hand on his knee, "Clint, please call him. I'll stay quiet, I just… I need to hear his voice. We've barely texted and he won't answer my calls. I need you to reassure him that I'm fine. I don't know where he got this ridiculous id-"

"Hey Carter." A voice pops in, "figured I would find you here." They both look up to see a tall lanky blonde man looking at them. His eyes catch on Peggy's hand on Clint's knee, and he raises an eyebrow, "who's this?"

Peggy's nails scrape as she yanks her hand back. "Jack." she spits out with a certain professional vehemence, "this is my friend Clint."

He looks amused, "you cheating on me behind my back, huh Carter?"

Clint's eyes widen and Peggy looks up at the man as if she can't believe his audacity, "Excuse me?"

"I mean, I thought we were hanging out."

Clint watches in awe as Peggy stands so smoothly, it's like her anger lifts her, "we have not been, nor will we ever be hanging out!" She snaps, "I have been politely telling you to fuck off since day one and you've been purposefully obtuse and disgusting!" Her eyes widen, she turns back to Clint, "oh no-" She gasps and spins back to Jack, "you blithering bloody idiot! Do you even know what you've done!" She growls at him and clutches her head briefly before snatching up her phone. Jack seems as stunned as he is for the brief moments Peggy seems to scroll through something. She looks over to Clint, "it was the night of the dinner. In London." She turns and makes a move to slug Jack who flinches madly, but she doesn't follow through, "do not ever text me again! I'm speaking to Professor Fershan and we're switching partners! End of story!" She turns to Clint again and breathes out a sigh of relief, "I understand." she sinks back into her chair and seems to clutch at her chest, relieved and shaky, "I understand now."

"I don't." Clint huffs out.

Peggy turns back to Jack who is standing there stunned, "in case I didn't make it blindingly clear before, please leave."

He scowls and then hightails it out of there, people staring at him.

Clint leans forward, "care to explain?"

"It all makes sense." She breathes out, "that fool! How could he-" she rubs at her eyes, "I suppose it would look bad."

"Carter, earth to me, what the hell?"

She holds out her phone. It's on a messages screen, the contact "Jack" at the top. It's a one sided conversation on his end, always asking to meet up and other eye roll inducing male comments meant to impress or get a reaction or whatever he was trying to accomplish (unsuccessfully). "The night of the dinner in London, Jack texted me. I ignored it, like I always do. But I'm guessing Steve saw them light up my phone."

"Why not block him?"

"I am partnered with him in one of my classes. He's a decent partner. Good at the subject but this is it, I'm going to request a trade."

"Did he… know about Steve?"

Peggy glares at him, "are you asking if I told him about my boyfriend so he would back off? No, actually. You know why? Because I think it's pathetic that males will only respect another male's "possession" instead of just me saying no!"

Clint winces, "got it."

"He's been insistent to the point of nails on a chalkboard. But not once, not once have I ever showed interest."

He holds up his hands in surrender, "I believe you."

"So Steve saw the texts and assumed the worst."

Clint shakes his head, "he never said you were cheating. He was worried you weren't happy with him."

"So he just thought I would find warmth in someone else's embrace?" Then she covers her eyes, "no, don't… don't answer that. I'm upset because I'm hurt. But-" she leans back, eyeing the ceiling, "I understand. Steve didn't grow up the same way I did."

Clint raises an eyebrow, "yeah?"

She eyes him ruefully. "He grew up in a volatile household. Relationships and his security in them is probably always going to work differently."

"He genuinely wasn't blaming you or mad or anything."

She looks briefly like she wants to cry before stuffing that away, "how can he think I'm cheating and want to do more for me?"

Clint grins, "Steve."

She huffs out a laugh, "That stupid perfect idiot."

Clint grins, "I'll call him."

She tilts her head, "I have a better idea."

Steve watches the video (sent to him from Clint's phone) in rapt attention. Peggy stands there, looking very sternly at him, gesturing to her phone and showing him messages and then gently berating him for not just asking and also for not answering her calls. She ends the video asking him to call her and not be a coward and that she loves him and he doens't ever have to worry about her looking for anyone else for him.

He feels wildly embarrassed by the end. The answer was so simple, so understandable. And he was mad at himself for letting it grow so big in his mind.

He stands, walking past the other rooms and into Castle's office.

The man looks up.

"If I leave a day early, all prepped and packed, can I stop off in New York for a few hours?"

Castle eyes him, "fine. Is Barnes going with you?"

"Dunno. I can ask."

Castle nods and Steve thanks him, heading back to his room to pack.