Chapter 15 — Distractions

Jacob

Her scent washed over me as she kissed me. The heat of her lips pressed against mine, burning me. I felt her tight, wet pussy around my cock. I needed her so badly I could barely breathe—

I woke with a gasp as I came into my sheets.

"Fuck," I groaned, half in ecstacy and half in exasperation.

It had been one month since I had seen her. One month and I was still waking up covered in cum from dreams of fucking her. I looked around my room as I cleaned myself up. It was my childhood home back in La Push. After everything that had happened I decided to move away from the city, back with my tribe. Back where I belonged. I had taken to blaming everything that had happened with Nessie on being distracted. I had lost sight of why I was still phasing. Seeing those bloodsuckers had reminded me exactly what was at stake.

I had opened a mechanic shop on the res. What with the overhead and the fact that people here just couldn't afford as much, I wasn't making much profit. But I had saved up enough in Seattle that I was getting by fine. My first customer of the day was not someone from the reservation, however. It was a young woman with dark hair and blue eyes.

"The mechanic in Forks is bleeding me dry," said the woman. "I heard you're more reasonable."

"I try to be," I said. "With these cars, it's often something simple that's not working. But mechanics love to overprice people — make it seem like they're doing something more complicated than they actually are. There's nothing really wrong here. Just a sensory gone awry."

"Can you fix it so it stops beeping at me?"

"Yes ma'am," I said.

"Thanks," she said. "And don't ma'am me. I'm not old enough yet."

She certainly wasn't. Her complexion placed her somewhere in her late 20s, early 30s. And she was tall. Almost as tall as me.

"What's your name?" I asked, typing on the computer.

"Marianna Stevens," she told me.

"All right, Marianna, I'll get that fixed for you right now," I said.

As I worked, I noticed her watching me. It didn't take long and when I handed her the keys back she smiled.

"I owe you one," she said. "If you come by the Dark Moon Tavern tonight around eight the drinks are on me."

"Okay," I said, then watched her get in her car and drive away.

"You should really go for it," a voice said behind me.

I whipped around. Leah.

"Jesus, you're sneaky," I said. "What's wrong with you?"

"The girl, you should go for it. She clearly likes you," she said, then handed me her keys. "Also my car needs an oil change and I'm getting too old for that shit. Family discount, right?"

"We're not related," I grumbled.

"Um, wolf siblings, remember?"

"I really try not to," I said.

"I'll try not to take that personally," she said airily. "But seriously. You've been an absolute downer since you decided to ruin your own happiness and leave Nessie. Maybe some dating would help."

I gritted my teeth, but ignored the jibes.

"Go away," I said, "and let me work."

But I did think about the girl. Everytime I did, I felt nothing. And yet, I needed to try. I couldn't spend eternity living like this. I had even tried to stop phasing, but every time I tried I'd either think about the bloodsuckers and get nervous about leaving my tribe vulnerable. Or I'd need a break from the heartache that was Nessie. Phasing made my feelings more liveable.

I went to Dark Moon Tavern that night. Marianna was there, posted up at the bar. She did order me a drink. Yet, it was like I was living outside myself. I nodded while she spoke, but I took nothing in. I agreed when she asked if I wanted to go back to her place, but with no hope or passion in my veins. When she led me to her bedroom, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get hard. She undressed and I couldn't see her. In a perfunctory sort of way, I climbed on top of her. I thought of Nessie, her body writhing beneath mine. I found myself, mercifully, erect at the thought.

My fuck with Marianna was drawn out, not because it was good, but because I was having a hard time concentrating. One second she was Nessie I was pounding into the bed, her hummingbird heart fluttering beneath my weight, the next second it was just Marianna moaning and sighing in a way that I found (unfairly) to be very irritating. Eventually I came, pulling out of her immediately. I took the condom off and got out of bed. I was putting on my clothes before she even sat up.

"Where are you going?" she asked, looking disappointed.

"Home," I said. "I've gotta take the dog out."

"Oh, okay," she said. "Well, we should do this again sometime."

"Yeah," I said, and then left.

Everything in my body was screaming for me to run. To run and run until I found her again — Nessie. Until I could take her in my arms and hold her close to me. But I fought it, just as I fought it everyday. I was so exhausted from fighting.

I got home, let Luna outside and back inside again. I curled up on my couch, my body shaking as I fought the urge to be with her. It was the worst at night. At night I felt feverish, almost sick — like a drug addict withdrawing. But the withdrawal never ended. It would never end.

Renesmee

I woke up to silence. I almost always woke up to silence in this house full of vampires. They moved like whispers and spoke in breaths. Occasionally, my father was playing piano or Uncle Emmett was watching TV. But otherwise, silence.

It had been three weeks since my Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper had brought me back up north to the rest of the family. Three weeks since they had found me curled up on the couch, half starved, deprived of sleep. I had kept up with my responsibilities, of course. I went to the hospital every day. Took Dracula for 3 walks a day. But for myself I barely had the strength to stand. So I didn't. I laid on the couch, not in my bed. I slept occasionally, but mostly just stared. I couldn't watch TV. I couldn't listen to music. I just stared. My heart was broken. Everything inside me felt hollow and empty and lifeless. Nothing but an eternity of it stretched before me.

Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper found me one week after I had last seen Jacob. They urged me to put in my notice at the hospital and brought me back to my family — my childhood home — a week later. I took up a per diem job at the same hospital where my grandpa worked. It didn't provide much work or much distraction. But it was better than nothing.

While my family was happy to have me back, I could tell they were shocked and disturbed by the recent events that had happened. As soon as I got there, Aunt Rosalie pounced.

"I mean, how could you, Renesmee? A werewolf? They're nothing more disgusting than filthy dogs. I don't know how you could stand the smell. And he was the worst of them all."

"He was not," said my mother quietly.

"I like dogs," I murmured, petting Dracula (who was very unnerved by all the vampires) behind the ear.

"Sure, as a pet! But not to sleep with."

There was a collective shudder around the room at this.

My mother was also anxious to speak to me on the subject. During my first month back, she tried to corner me several times to discuss it, but she was the last person I wished to speak to about the matter. It still pained me to know that Jacob had loved my mother first, that it was her "death" (as Jacob thought of it) that made him hate me in the first place.

My father, on the other hand, wished to pretend nothing had ever happened, even though I supposed it was hardest for him to ignore it. Try as I might, I couldn't help my thoughts wandering to Jacob. I had never before so hated that my father could read my mind.

Lately, Aunt Rosalie had taken to saying, "you just need to get out there! Find someone else. There are loads of good looking men out there who aren't disgusting werewolves, you know."

Finally, I had snapped. "And how on earth am I supposed to bring a human back to this house? How am I supposed to date a vampire when I have blood in my veins? Where exactly is the solution for all of that?"

Aunt Rosalie looked taken aback at this. Everyone looked uncomfortable. My father looked particularly pained, perhaps because he knew how acutely this fact hurt me, how lonely I felt. I know before my mother he had no one. He, of all people, could understand.

"I don't see what's wrong with you finding a human soulmate," said my mother. "Look at me and your dad."

"Yes, but first of all, I have no desire to accidentally kill my hypothetical lover. Second of all, even if I did turn him into a vampire, we're back to square one with the whole thirsting for my blood thing."

So, life went on. I laid in bed, reviewing these unpleasant memories, when something broke the silence in the house. My father was speaking and someone was speaking back. But it was not a voice I recognized. Or, rather, it was a voice I had not heard for a very, very long time.

"—so much for coming," my father was saying. "I think it will really help her to see you."

"It is an honor to be invited here," said the male voice. "I have so long been curious about her — well, you can understand. There are so few of us."

Then I registered the heartbeat. The fluttering, hummingbird-wing heartbeat. I jumped out of bed and threw on the first clothes I could find in my closet — a pair of jeans and green t-shirt. I ran my fingers through my sleep-tousled curls. There was no hope for it. I ran down the stairs and saw my father standing in the living room with a tall, bronze-skinned man with sleek black hair. He was beautiful, warmingly so.

"Nahuel?" I said, uncertainly. I had been but a child the last time we had seen him, during our searches through the Amazon for answers about my existence.

"Renesmee, it's been so long," he said, smiling a brilliant smile. "How you have grown."

"You look the same to me," I remarked.

He laughed. "Comes with being immortal, doesn't it?"

My father was staring at him, his eyes full of hope. Suddenly I knew why he had asked Nahuel to come. He didn't want me to be lonely anymore. I felt my stomach twist at the thought. Nahuel, however alike we were, wasn't what I wanted. I watched his face fall. He gave me a look that clearly said, "please, just try."

The rest of my family watched, most hopeful, some curious. My mother alone looked… annoyed? Disappointed?

"I have only just arrived and would love to see the area," said Nahuel. "It is so different from my home."

"Well, I suppose I'll give you the tour then," I said, smiling. I looked pointedly at my father and thought, fine. I'll try.

Nahuel and I walked outside. It was already snow-covered even in early November. We did not speak at first. To be honest, I didn't know what to say. Then Nahuel spoke.

"I have been curious about you for a long time," he said. "Many times, I have been on the point of trying to come find you. But, I didn't want to assume…"

I looked away, blushing slightly. Assume what? That I would want to be with him too?

"Well, then I got news from Zafrina that Edward was interested in having me visit, to see you again. He said that you were experiencing the loneliness that is unique to our kind because, well, we are so unique. We know no one else like us and it makes companionship almost impossible. I know the loneliness very well, Renesmee."

Still, I could think of nothing to say. Strangely, I hadn't felt lonely lately. Only heartbroken.

"I apologize. I've said too much," said Nahuel, looking embarrassed.

"No, no," I said immediately. "You're right. It can make companionship difficult. Have you ever been with a woman? Human or vampire?"

I don't know what made me say it, but the words came blurting out before I could stop them. Nahuel seemed slightly taken aback, but answered.

"Both. It's difficult with both. With a human, you have to try to hard not to harm them. And I was so fearful of getting someone pregnant, after what happened to my mother. Although, I do not think it is possible with us hybrids."

I had long suspected the same thing myself. I did not menstruate.

"And with vampires, it is also difficult. There have been a few close encounters where things almost got out of hand. It does not make for easy love-making."

He smiled wryly and I did too.

"I'd only ever been with humans for that reason," I said. "Sorry if this is all kind of, well, forward."

"It's okay," said Nahuel, his voice suddenly low. "I've thought about you for a long time. You were a child when I saw you last, but I knew you would be a beautiful woman one day."

I looked into his eyes. They were black, like Jacob's. My heart ached and, impulsively, I leaned in and kissed him. He kissed back with more urgency than I had been expecting. He was like a man starved, tasting food for the first time.

"Oh Renesmee," he said. "How I've dreamed of this. To be with someone who is the same."

Yes, I had dreamed of it too, hadn't I? In the times before Jacob? So I allowed myself to fall back into the fantasy. I wrapped my arms around him and we kissed for a long while. I really let myself feel how similar we were. Exact same body temperature, exact same strength behind our lips. Our hearts thudded together like the upbeat tempo to a song I'd never heard before. It all made sense and yet, it was wrong. So terribly, terribly wrong. I pulled away.

"Renesmee?" he said, sounding worried.

"I love someone else, Nahuel," I blurted. "I wanted this to work because it should work. But I can't pretend I don't love him. And I don't think I could ever love anyone else."

"Oh," he said. "Is this person… human?"

"Sort of," I said. "He's a werewolf. Well, he shape shifts into a wolf. It's a long story."

"He sounds… interesting," said Nahuel, taking a step back from me.

"He's actually very similar to us," I said. "Strong, heightened senses, fast heart rate, similar body temperature."

"I can see the appeal for you," said Nahuel quietly.

"But it's more than our similarities that bring us together," I said, trying to explain it accurately. "There's this connection. It's raw and powerful — almost like magic."

Nahuel was backing away, looking hurt.

"Nahuel, I can't deny I find you attractive," I said, earnestly. "But I don't think it's fair to you to let you think we could be more."

He nodded. "I appreciate your honesty."

"Please stay," I said. "Don't leave right away. It's still nice to be with someone so like me. Even if it's just as friends."