Chapter 6: Once More with Feelings

Andy went back to Ellen's. It was what she knew, where she felt safe. She rode through the night. When she staggered into the Roadhouse Ellen took one look at her and rushed to her side.

"Jesus Andy, what the hell have you been doing?"

"Riding, you got any coffee?"

"Honey you don't drink coffee. Ever."

"I sure could use some."

Ellen nodded at Jo who was looking over at her friend worried.

"Sweetie what is going on?"

"Nothing really, just had a really crappy few weeks,"

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ellen asked rubbing her back while Andy rested her head in her hand.

"Not really. Not yet at least,"

Ellen nodded.

"Ok darlin',"

Jo brought her the coffee. She accepted gratefully and took a long drag.

"Want something to eat?"

Andy nodded gratefully. She ate her way through a full plate of pancakes and bacon and eggs.

"Thanks for that, I think I needed it," she said with a sigh.

"Andy you look wrecked, you should get some sleep," Ellen said when she came to take her plate. Andy looked up at her with eyes bloodshot and dark circled. "Come on," Ellen said. She guided Andy by the shoulders to a bed in one of the back rooms. Andy crawled under the covers. Her head barely hit the pillow before she was asleep. Ellen looked down at her. She patted her head gently and wondered what her girl had been doing.

Andy came out of the little room sometime early the next morning. Jo was up cleaning the bar. She looked up at Andy and smiled."Mornin' girl. You slept long."

"Apparently I needed it." Andy replied rubbing her eyes. "I feel a lot better for it."

"I'll bet. Feel for breakfast?" Andy nodded. Jo went off to get her a plate. After a hearty meal Jo and Andy chatted as only long friends can Jo mentioned that she and Ellen had been tracking a few potential jobs for a while.

"I could pick it up." Andy said. "I think I'm in need of a hunt," Andy tried to keep her voice even and not desperate. Jo looked at her seriously.

"Let me check with mom," Jo said and disappeared into the back. Ellen came back out with a file folder.

"Andy, darlin you just got here, and you just came off exhaustion. You really think you should be going off on a hunt right now?"

Andy looked almost frantic to Ellen.

"Please...Ellen I really need a distraction right now and a cut and dry hunt would be just the thing."

"Alright. But you have some story tellin' to do when you get back you hear?" Andy sighed, but she nodded. Ellen slowly handed her the folder. She cocked a smile at her and went back to the small room to look it over.

Andy made it back to the Roadhouse with no problem. It had been a routine vengeful spirit. It had knocked her around a bit, but nothing serious. Ellen must have heard her bike coming because she was waiting for her at the door. Arms folded across her chest and a serious 'take no prisoners, take no crap' look on her face. Andy slid her helmet off slowly and suddenly felt like she was somehow in trouble.

"Afternoon," Ellen said in an amiable enough tone, but Andy still knew something was up.

"Afternoon. Anything exciting happen while I was gone?" she asked as she put her bag down. Jo came out of the kitchen.

"Yea, these two really cute hunters came by. Kids of one of mom's old friends." Andy raised an eyebrow.

"Oh really, tell me more." she said ginning. Jo grinned back and launched into the story.

"Well, they were brothers one was crazy tall. Had the whole floppy puppy dog look going," she started. Andy's face changed minutely. Enough for Ellen to glance up at her. Jo went on. "And the other was super hot. Dirty blonde hair with crazy green eyes. Sam and Dean Winchester, they were looking for mom's help." Jo said smiling. Andy's face had completely changed. She swallowed hard.

"Well, they sound great," she said thickly. Ellen and Jo exchanged looks.

"Andy?" Ellen said her voice firm tinged with concern. Andy got up suddenly.

"I think I'm going to crash for a bit. I had a long ride." She all but ran towards her little room. She could hear Ash's music coming out of his door, but she blasted right past and dove into her room. She sat on her bed and put her head in her hands. There was no way. This could not be happening. Ellen came in making her jump.

"Sorry darlin. Just wanted to see if you're ok." she said leaning against the door frame. Andy busied herself with unpacking her bag.

"Yea, I'm fine."

"Andy…" Ellen said in her best mother tone "You have some talkin' to do sweetheart." Andy couldn't look at her. She kept her head down but gave up the unpacking pretence. "What the hell happened to you girl?" Andy looked at her through a curtain of hair and said nothing. "You fall in here, asking for coffee, then you collapse in bed for a day, and come up asking for a case to take your mind off it. What have you been doing with those boys?" Ellen's voice was calm and encouraging. Andy took a shaky breath and sank back onto her bed. There was no point in trying to deny she had anything to do with the boys. She had made it far too obvious.

"Nothing really." Andy said sighing heavily. Ellen looked at her sceptically. "Seriously Ellen, I've just been hunting with them, that's all."

"There is more to that story and we both know it. Now spill."

"I…Ellen, I don't know if I can go there right now."

"Why not start at the beginning then. I didn't even think you knew the Winchesters. You know how much you mean to me and Jo. So…" Ellen pushed, sitting next to her on the bed. Andy sighed.

"John… John was the reason I got into hunting. He… saved me, and I ended up hunting with them for a few years. I got very attached to his boys. Sam was only 12, sweet, headstrong. Dean was 16, already the tough guy looking out for his little brother. I loved them. Then some stuff went down with John, words were said, and I left. We reconciled eventually and we bumped into each other once or twice, but we did our own things. Then about a year ago I was hunting a Wendigo out of Michigan, and it got the better of me. Sam and Dean just happened to pick me up off the highway. So, I stuck with them for a while. Truth is, Dean and I…well…we had something" Andy let that hang there "I know it's weird, he's younger than me…but he's…special. You know? Anyway, we finally got honest with each other about how we felt, then he freaked out and pushed me away, and I ran. Then I got a call from Sam saying that they'd gotten into it with the demon and Dean was hurt really bad." Andy stopped for a moment remembering Dean in the hospital. She swallowed and went on. "I had to…I had to see him again you know. So, I went. Then John…" she swallowed hard "John was gone, Dean was better, and I thought I could be there for them. I wanted to stay with them. But…I don't know. He…he shut himself off. Wouldn't let himself hurt, and I couldn't…watch him do that. Dean actually told me to leave." There were tears in her eyes now. "I know I'm a coward for it, and it makes me a runner when things get rough but, I couldn't stay even though I wanted to." Her voice was wrecked now, but she had to keep going. "More than anything I wanted to be there for him. But I couldn't…I just- I couldn't watch that again…" She and Ellen sat in silence for a while. Tears were slowly leaking out of Andy's eyes. "Ellen, you don't know everything about me, and some of the stuff…you would probably throw me out and tell me never to darken your doorstep again. But I have seen so much, lost so much…I - I don't know if I can lose those boys. I mean, I'm in love. Honest to God head over heels in love with Dean, but I can't keep myself from overreacting. He just pisses me off so much sometimes! So much that I just want to beat the living crap out of him when he pushes me away. But instead, I run." Her breath hitched and she let out a breathy sob. "I don't know what to do Ellen," she said dissolving into tears and turning to Ellen who wrapped her arms around Andy and held her tight.

"Andy Conner you would go and fall for a Winchester wouldn't you," Ellen said as she squeezed Andy tight. Andy had to chuckle.

"I know, I know. Not exactly the most available men around. But, Ellen, I've been in love before. Real, true, hold you forever love, and this…what I feel for Dean is the closet I have ever been to that again." Ellen looked at her girl. The one she had known for close to 8 years now. How did she know so much about the world, and the things that can be seen?

"You amaze me girl," Ellen said with a soft smile. Andy rolled her eyes.

"You might not say that after a while."

"Look, truly I don't care what you have done haven't done or otherwise. I know you, and I care about you. And I would love to drive on over and give Dean Winchester another piece of my mind," Andy's eyes got wide "But I won't, cuz I know you wouldn't like it. But you listen to this. The way you are talkin' I say you either give up on that boy, or you wake up and make up because something that special is always worth fighting for."

Andy stared at Ellen. She patted Andy on the shoulder and stood. "We'll be opening if an hour. Working the bar tonight?" Andy nodded and Ellen headed out to start set up for opening. Andy lay back on her cot for a power nap before work.

One month later

Andy had settled into a routine again. When she wasn't working a case she was working at the Roadhouse. She and Jo would go shooting, she and Ash might smoke together. It was a simple uncomplicated existence, and in a way she appreciated it. But there were nights when she found herself thinking of the boys. Thinking of Dean. She missed them. She hopped they were doing better.

One night she was working the bar. She heard the door swing and looked up to see who was coming in. When she saw it was the boys, without even thinking she ducked down behind the bar. Realizing what she had just done she peeked out around it. To her credit Jo had intercepted Dean, and Sam had headed to the back towards Ash's room. Dean said a few words to Jo and then headed to the back after Sam. Jo came to the bar.

"You know you won't be able to avoid them all night," she said looking down at her. Andy grimaced slightly.

"I know," Jo laughed lightly.

"Andy, just talk to him." She glanced in the direction the boys had gone. "Any guy that hot is worth a little work." Andy rolled her eyes and punched Jo playfully. She wasn't sure how, but Andy managed to avoid the boys for most of the night. They had recruited Ash for something. They were tracking demon signs or something. The crowed had thinned out so Jo and Andy started cleaning up. Jo nodded over to the jukebox telling Andy to pick a song. She wandered over and scanned the playlist. For some strange reason R.E.O Speedwagon called to her and 'Can't Fight This Feeling' was the song. She glanced over at Jo who nodded approval. It was then that she noticed Dean at the bar. He had just looked up as the song started beer raised for a swig. Andy looked away quickly, but she had seen his eyes widen in surprise. Andy could feel the flush rising while she struggled with her fight or flight response. She took the middle ground and avoided going past Dean and started on the other side of the bar. She knew she was screwed when she could feel him behind her. She sighed but kept clearing the table she was at.

"What are you doing here?" Dean said obviously confused.

"Working, what does it look like?" Andy said pushing passed him with a full tray of empty bottles and glasses. She was careful not to look at him. Dean stood there for a moment. Andy saw him scrub a hand over his face. One of his little nuances that she loved. She still couldn't look at him in the face. He came over to her again.

"Andy…" he said. But Sam interrupted saying they had a match. Sam glanced at Andy and did a double take. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something then looked back to Dean. Andy could see the conflict in his face. He was clearly jazzed about whatever Ash had found for them. He gave Andy an apologetic look.

"We've gotta go Dean," he said. Dean nodded. He took a long look at Andy and left after Sam. It was only when his back was turned that Andy looked up. Her heart was pounding, and she really wished she could have looked him in the face. Or maybe punched him, she wasn't sure which. Jo came over to her.

"You ok?" she asked putting a comforting hand on her arm. Andy sighed.

"Not really," she said and looked at Jo whose brow furrowed. "It's alright. I can deal." Jo gave her arm a squeeze. They finished up and said goodnight to Ellen. Andy went back to her room. About half an hour later there was a soft knock at her door. Jo was there with a bottle of whisky. She motioned Andy to follow her. It was a perfectly clear night. They walked out into the field next to the Roadhouse and sat on a rock. Passing the bottle back and forth they watched the stars. Fully buzzed and warm Andy looked over at Jo.

"Thanks for this," she said only slightly slurred. Jo smiled at her.

"No problem. I gotta say though, that boy is far too attractive to let go of."

Andy had to laugh.

"It is a downside." They were quiet for a moment.

"Andy?" Jo suddenly said.

"Mmm," Andy answered.

"What did you mean when you told mom that she didn't know everything about you?"

Andy looked at her friend seriously.

"You probably don't want to know Jo."

Jo sat up.

"But I do."

Andy sighed.

"Let's just say I've been through a lot over the years. I've done things I'm not proud of."

"Will you tell me who your other love was at least?"

Andy chuckled.

"That I might do. His name is Dyson."

Jo giggled. Andy stuck out her tongue. "We've known each other for a very long time."

"So, he's still around," a strange look crossed Andy's face.

"Yea he is, but he's really far away."

"What made him your epic love?"

"I'm not sure really. We just fit together. We've been through a lot together, and apart. But we always seem to drift back together. It's really complicated. The fact is I love him, and I always will, but sometimes something comes around that just needs to be followed through. The only thing is, I don't know if I can this time." There was quiet for a moment, then Jo laughed. Andy looked at her surprised. "What's so funny?"

"Sorry, it's just you're talking like your 60 or something. I mean you're like 30 right? You have all the time in the world to be in love with tons of people." Andy chuckled softly.

"Sure Jo, I guess you're right. I think it's time to crash my friend."

Jo giggled.

"Sure thing."

Andy poured her friend into her bed then managed to stagger her way back to her own cot. She thought sleep would come easily, but something Jo had said kept running through her head. "You have all the time in the world." she was right. So, Andy decided. She would confront Dean and see what would happen. He was special enough to be worth fighting for.

Andy was in the front lot tuning up her bike. She had a Discman attached to her belt and plugged into her ears blasting Meatloaf, so she didn't hear the telltale growl when the Impala drove up. It wasn't until a shadow passed over the bike that she looked up. Adrenaline spiked through her when she saw Dean standing over her. She still had no idea how to play things. Although she had decided to try and make up with Dean she was still angry with him. She had a bad habit of holding onto grudges. She grabbed a rag and stood up wiping her hands. She could feel him looking at her. Finally, she looked back at him.

"Hi," she said softly.

"Hey," Dean replied. He held her eyes for a moment then looked away. "Look, sorry we couldn't stick around before. Had some things to -"

"I know. Sam seemed pretty jazzed up."

"Yea, he was." There was a moment of awkward silence.

"I…I guess we should…um talk…" Andy said leaning on the bike for support.

"Yea I guess." Dean said quietly. He wandered around the bike and perched next to her. Andy looked at the ground, nervously running her foot back and forth over the gravel. Now or never you chicken.

"Look, I'm just going to come right out. I'm sorry I pushed at you."

"Andy, you don't have to -"

"Yea Dean I really do." He looked at her seriously. Andy sighed; she knew this was not going to be easy. "I'm sorry for what happened. I had…an experience a while back…a very good friend lost someone, and he buried everything until he killed himself. I couldn't … I couldn't watch you go through the same thing. It was too close…you know. But I am sorry. For the way I just bolted…both times. I never thought that running away from tough situations would be what I do. Truth is I am a lot more screwed up than you might think." She looked away squinting off into the distance. She could feel Dean looking at her.

"Andy you're not screwed up," Andy chuckled humorlessly.

"Shows what you know." She finally looked around at Dean. He looked almost pained. "You were right. You don't know what I am. I don't even know what I am, and you won't ever know everything I've done. Everything I've seen." Her throat was tight. "I'm a lot to take in, and I know that. I'm not sorry for what I said back at Bobby's, but I am sorry for the delivery. It wasn't fair to you and it wasn't what you deserved."

Dean looked at her for a long moment. Then he sighed heavily.

"You're not the only one who needs to apologize at the very least," Dean said roughly.

"Dean-"

"Andy, please…please." He took a deep breath. "I pretty much had this same conversation with Sam a while ago. You were right. I'm not ok. I feel like Dad died for me. I don't know how, but I know he did and it's eating me up. I was done. I was dead, and he should have let me stay dead." Andy swallowed hard at that. She had suddenly realized she had to tell the boys about what their dad had done for them."I'm sorry I couldn't admit that before, but there was nothing you could have done for me. Nothing you could have said that would make that alright." Dean moved and stood in front of Andy. "But I don't…I can't lose you Andy. You are…I don't know what I would do if…" Andy had to smile, Dean never had much of a way with words unless he practiced first. He took her by the shoulders and got her to look at him. "So, are we good now?" Andy nodded and hugged him.

"I think I need a drink," Andy said into his chest. Dean grunted.

"You and me both girl," he said. He put one arm around her shoulders, and they went into the saloon.

It was a somber evening. Sam filled Andy in on what had been happening with them the last few months, with the visions. Andy wasn't really surprised. She had always known Sam was a supersensitive type, and he had been around the supernatural since he was a baby. After that they all sat around for a while in silence. Andy's heart was pounding because she knew she had to get the truth out sometime, and now was as good a time as any.

"Dean, Sam I need to tell you guys something." she said quietly. They both looked at her worried. Andy glanced up at Ellen, who took her cue and pulled Jo into the back with some command about pulling beer up from the cellar. Andy swallowed. "It's about your dad." She had the full attention of the boys now. "You're right Dean, he did die for you." She couldn't look at him. "I knew about his plan to make a deal with the demon. He-"

"You knew?" Sam said leaping out of his chair. Dean stayed seated and very quiet. "Andy, how could you not tell us. We could have figured out another way. We could have -"

"Sam sit down," Andy said her voice hard. Sam sat heavily. "I knew, and I tried to talk him out of it trust me. But he was adamant. He was positive it was the only way to save you Dean." She looked up at him, but he avoided her eyes. "He said it was the only thing he could do for you. The last thing he could do for you." Dean looked up now, his green eyes misty with hurt that was still fresh and a bit of frustrated confusion.

"Why," Dean said with quiet intensity. "Why did it have to be the last thing he did. I know, together you three could have figured something out! So why?" One tear slid down Dean cheek. "Why did you let him leave us?" Andy took a deep breath, and said a silent 'I'm sorry' to John.

"Because…because he was already dying." Sam and Dean stared at Andy, complete shock etched on their faces.

"What?" Dean said quietly.

"He was dying. He had cancer. He had only about 6 months to live. He didn't tell you because he didn't want to worry you boys," Andy rolled her eyes "and he was close to the demon and didn't want anyone to caudle him."

"Bastard," Dean muttered under his breath.

"Dean," Sam said quietly.

"What Sam, you're not thinking the same thing?" Sam said nothing "Yea that's what I thought."

"No argument from me," Andy said quietly. Dean looked at Andy again.

"So why didn't you tell us?"

"He asked me not to," Andy shrugged. "I'm only telling you now, because of what you said to me." Dean looked puzzled.

"What did I say?"

"That you were dead, and should have stayed dead." Dean looked between her and Sam. He had said it to both of them. "Dean, your dad may have died for you, but it wasn't because you were already dead. I know there was a reaper after you, but I hope you know that I would have done everything I could, to keep it away. The only reason I didn't think I could help you, is because your spirit was out of your body. If I had had to I would have healed your body and tried to convince you to get back into it. I started actually, before I knew what your dad was up to. I needed to try." The boys sighed in unison.

"Thanks for telling us Andy," Sam said, his voice hollow.

"You deserved to know." Andy stretched. She felt thoroughly wrung out. "Well I for one, have had enough for one day." She got up and headed towards her little bedroom. She paused at the door. "Promise me something?" The boys looked at her. "Try not to beat yourselves up. None of any of this was either of your faults. What's done is done. And Dean, you were not done." She left and went to her back bedroom where she curled up on her bed with a book.

Andy was just about to turn her light out when there was a soft knock at her door. She got up and opened it to find Sam on the other side.

"Did I wake you?" he said sounding apologetic.

"No," Andy replied and stepping aside to let him in. "Are you ok?" Sam sat down on the bed heavily. Andy sat next to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm scared Andy." he said quietly.

"Scared of what Sam?"

"These visions. They keep happening, more and more, and I keep thinking something is coming for me. Something is going to happen." He looked at her. "Do you ever get that feeling? That something bad is coming?" Andy thought. Her experience with her Seidr visions, was rather different from what Sam was experiencing. However, she did often get feelings, senses that something was coming. The fact that she had been having feelings just like that the past month was not something she really wanted to think about. But she nodded.

"Yes, I do. Fairly often actually."

Sam nodded.

"Something else is bothering you," Andy said. Sam nodded again.

"You were right, about Dean. But I don't know…what to do. He's angry and hurt and feels like he should be dead."

"Yea, I uh…I got that impression," she said under her breath. She sighed. "Well Sam, at least he's admitted he's not ok. It's a start." Sam nodded and sighed. He was quiet. She felt like he had more to say but nothing came out. Then suddenly it all came out in a rush.

"Andy, why did you run away?" It hit Andy like a slap in the face. She swallowed hard but held Sam's eyes.

"I ran because I was hurt and angry. I ran because I wanted to be there for Dean and you, but I had my own pain to deal with and watching Dean deny himself any kind of grief was more than I could take. I'm not proud of what I did or how I handled the situation and I'm sorry for that." She paused for a second.

"I haven't said that to you yet." Sam looked up at her.

"Andy you don't-"

"Yes, I do. Sam, I am so sorry. I'm sorry I just ran out on you without explanation...twice. And I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you for this vision crap." Sam sat quietly.

"Thanks Andy," he said and wrapped her in a crushing hug. She hugged him back fiercely.

"Get some sleep Sammy." He chuckled and left her to do just that.