Zim the Warlord: Irken Reversion
Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim or anything else here
Zim grunted quietly to himself as he used his second set of arms to exercise on a pull up bar, leaving his other hands free to trace lines of text on his datapad. "Computer?" Zim called curiously.
"Yes, Zim?" Computer answered curiously, less bothered by his master who was now more...his artificial mind settled for lucid rather than sane. "If this is about the genitals, I still know nothing."
"No, no," Zim waved off, setting his legs down on the ground with a pensive look, the pull up bar disassembling and folding itself away. "Am I reading this right? Invaders Zon and Kreenk were both recalled months ago, but Planets Zelka and Tartar remain unconquered?" Zim asked curiously.
"Correct. The official reason is for medical issues," Computer explained bluntly. "Which is technically true, if we've both come to the same conclusion."
"Invaders rarely encounter illnesses or injuries that require a trip back to Irken space. Eleven out of twelve times, our bases can handle them. The rest usually die before they can get treatment," Zim elaborated thoughtfully as he stroked his chin. "If anything like my...change has happened to them, then the Empire is keeping it quiet for now. If they turn up dead, well, I'm definitely not getting a promotion anytime soon," he commented in amusement.
"And if they're alive and dandy?" Computer asked curiously.
"That would be interesting. Safe, but interesting," Zim answered with a hum. "Do you still have a backdoor into the Massive's systems?"
"You mean from the time you and that kid literally drove it through an actual star? If so, then yes, yes I do," Computer answered smugly.
"Good. If we don't figure this out eventually, I might need you to hack them for information on this, assuming there is any," Zim noted casually.
"Hacking the computers of flagship of the Almighty Tallests. Yeah, sure, that is something just any Irken AI computer can do," Computer quipped sardonically.
"Can you?" Zim asked blankly.
"Of course I can! I just wanted you to know it's not easy," Computer complained.
"Zim is well aware of the amazing job I did upgrading you," Zim countered smugly.
"...You know, that's the closest thing you've ever given to praise, I'll take it," Computer accepted as a small victory. "By the way, you have a visitor."
"A visitor or an intruder?" Zim inquired skeptically as he summoned a tentacle from his pak that put the datapad away.
"Uhhh, kind of both?" Computer responded uncertainly, his screen pulling up a feed of Gaz knocking on the front door with an impatient look on her face and a muffin in one hand. "Does your "Future Pet" count as an intruder?"
Zim masterfully ignored the slightest teasing in the tone. "I'm not sure what's more surprising: That she knocked at all or that Gir didn't already answer it," Zim mused absently.
To answer that point, another feed was brought up, showing Gir...spinning around with his head in a blender, set on max. "I...AM...FUUUUUUUUUDGE!" Gir screamed cheerfully, followed by a mad cackling.
Zim looked away into nothing as the second feed closed, taking a moment to clear his head of that insanity before addressing the issue. "Well, she was polite enough to knock, so show her the luxury way inside," Zim declared with a smirk.
"Your funeral," Computer accepted uncaringly as the feed of the front lawn showed the welcome mat under Gaz opening up and dropping her into a tube below.
Zim was disappointed but not surprised by the lack of screams as he heard her slide down the roller coaster of tubes, plopping out...right into his waiting arms, all four of them. Zim grinned at her surprised look. "What do you know? Zim presses the muffin button, and he gets a Gazling as well."
"Put me down. Now," Gaz ordered, trying her hardest to look terrifying right now, but failing to conjure the necessary evil while internally embarrassed.
"You will be a fussy pet," he teased, obliging her order nonetheless as he plucked the muffin out of her hand and took a curious bite. "Hmm, not as horrible as I remember."
"That was for your crazy rodog," Gaz pointed out with a raised eyebrow.
"As Zim assumed," the Irken acknowledged as he looked at her curiously. "So, why the sudden visit? I assumed you'd be enjoying time with your father...isn't he presenting something tomorrow?" Zim questioned.
"Yeah, he's a bit busy with that, but that's beside the point. Believe it or not, I need a favor," Gaz stated reluctantly.
"Okay," Zim accepted casually as he leaned against the terminal with his arms crossed.
"...That's it? No bargaining? No laughing? No mocking me for trying to get help from my, how did you say? Future Slave Master?" Gaz asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Gazling, you are not your brother and have been quite cooperative, both as the neutral party between Zim and the Dib-stink to enforce our agreements, and as my future trophy," Zim explained with a pleased grin. "So I'm more than willing to give you a boon or two, within reason."
"I seem to recall Dib telling me how you refused to help when I had that pork curse on me," Gaz reminded with a small glare.
Zim shrugged. "That was less about me not wanting to help you and more about wanting to see what you would do to him," Zim answered, cocking his head. "What DID you do to him?"
"I'll tell you another time," Gaz answered, wanting to steer this conversation back on track. "Now, about that favor...I want you to help Dib."
"..." Zim stared at her for a moment, slowly blinking. "Gaz, there isn't a therapist in the universe qualified to handle the's Dib's headcase," he informed slowly.
"Not that kind of help, stupid!" Gaz retorted, trying to NOT laugh at that delivery.
"Then you are in need of the therapy, Gazling, because helping my self proclaimed enemy is kind of the definition of what shouldn't fall under "within reason,"" Zim pointed out with a scowl.
"Ugh," Gaz groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I'm not asking you to give him alien tech or make him credible. All I want is for you to turn him back," Gaz specified in exasperation.
"Back?" Zim repeated before understanding dropped. "Oooooooh! You wish for Zim to return Dib-beast to his normal annoying state instead of this...Ghru?!" Zim exclaimed in disgust as he looked to the screen. One showed a still image of Dib from six months ago, the other showed a feed to Dib's room...where he was trying to do jump rope. While still stuck in the chair. They had tuned in just in time to watch him fall and sob on the floor before struggling to get back up. "Well...this is disgusting."
"Yeah, trying living there. At least before we could keep the smell trapped in with him, but now that he's getting out and exercising...," Gaz stopped to shudder horribly.
"Okay, yes, Gazling, I will help," Zim assured with a shudder of his own. "This stopped being deprarious real fast."
"Deprarious?" Gaz repeated with a cocked brow.
"Depressing and hilarious," Zim answered automatically before scrunching his brow. "Why do I know that?"
"Sir," Computer spoke up suddenly, drawing their attention. "A serum to cure Dib's bodily imbalance will take an hour to synthesize."
"I've waited for months, I can wait that long," Gaz answered with her arms crossed. "So, still no video games in here?"
"No/Yes," Zim and the Computer answered in sync, causing confusion to appear on the invader's face.
"What do you mean yes? I never secured any human games," Zim questioned with a scowl.
"I got bored," Computer answered bluntly before turning its attention to Gaz. "Nothing you'd like though. I was going through a Grand Strategy phase. Mostly just Totalalian Warfare and Zealot Emperors games right now, plus mods."
"Ugh, no thanks," Gaz grimaced in the politest of distaste.
"We're going to have a talk about you mass downloading things when I'm out of commission," Zim warned the artificial intelligence that let out a long suffering sigh. "Well, I have some experiments to look into. Care to join me, Gaz?" he offered honestly.
Gaz raised an eyebrow at that. "And you're not worried about me telling Dib anything after you fix him?" she asked skeptically.
"Because then I'll reverse the treatment and worse! Zim will turn him into something worse than a Grease Goblin! He will become...Odorous Ogre!" Zim declared ominously with a mad cackle.
"...Stupid, yet Scary. Scarpid?" Gaz tried with a cocked head.
"Thanks, came up with it on the spot," Zim informed cheekily. "But in all seriousness, I do have some work to do."
Gaz stared at the extraterrestrial that wordlessly headed deeper into his secret base while the door closed behind him. "...He really has changed, hasn't he?" Gaz questioned to the Computer.
"He was already getting better before this," Computer confirmed with something close to pride. "Last six months just helped it along, I think."
Gaz smirked as she headed into the Irken lair. The door opening to reveal a wide hall, the walls lined with large tubes filled with purple liquid. Some were empty, others had different things floating within. A beaver, some fusion of a fly-swatter-toaster, a shoe, and a kid with a screw in his head. She paused, doing a double take at the human boy floating in the tube, a giant drill-like device lodged into his forehead and a painfully wide smile permanently etched onto his face. She stared for a moment longer before slowly moving towards the end of the hall, where she found Zim working.
"Is that Nick back there?" she asked idly.
"Yep. I used him to study the human mind, mostly the happiness center of it," Zim explained absently as he tinkered with a device on his work table, little zaps emitting as he worked.
"He's been missing for over a year. I think he's been declared dead," Gaz recalled absently.
"Yeah, well, he never asked to leave and he makes a good play-pal for Gir sometimes," Zim answered without even looking up. "Besides, he was part of a more sensible if impractical plan of mine."
"Oh?" Gaz asked curiously.
"I was going to create a substance that would give humans a short burst of extreme happiness and bliss, rendering them dependent on Zim to supply them more. Sadly, I couldn't get it to last long enough. Not to mention humans already have some things like that," Zim remarked with a chuckle.
"Becoming a drug lord. That might have been the thing to actually get you arrested," Gaz pointed out wryly. "What are you even working on?"
"Oh, just a failed project I'm trying to salvage, same with everything right now," Zim answered, pointing to a screen behind him, showing three lists: Ruined, Salvageable and Viable. "Turns out a lot can happen in six months."
"No kidding," Gaz remarked as she walked over to the board and looked over the plans. "Weaponize the moon? That's viable?" she asked skeptically.
"Well, no less than it was before. Have to go salvage Mars and Mercury for some technology specs, but yeah," Zim answered with a shrug.
"Lot of stuff ruined though. Nanoplants: Lack Aggression, Mutaflu: Mutated into more benign strain, Demon Squids Mark II: Killed itself during its puberty stage, and...how did "Cloning the World Leaders" get ruined?" Gaz asked idly.
"That has nothing to do with the time I was incapacitated. Zim simply hasn't mastered your DNA yet: My last attempt turned out orange, bloated, and much stupider than the original," Zim explained in annoyance. "Couldn't even get the pudding right."
"Why was that important?" Gaz asked under her breath, blinking as she caught another plan. "You were going to set up your own company?"
"Yeah, I was going to work around your father's with the sciences he doesn't prioritize. Unfortunately, the starting business I originally had set up was bought out. Thankfully, that was before it really got off the ground. Otherwise, I would have already introduced outdated tech that was just ahead of humanity's pitiful technology curve," Zim explained with a dark grin as he thought about it.
"Could always just start over there," Gaz pointed out absently. "...Why are you set on me, Zim?"
"Eh?" Zim paused in his work before regaining himself. "A good question. Here's a better one: Why do you not protest the idea of me claiming you as a trophy after this is all over?" he countered curiously.
Gaz crossed her arms as she regarded him neutrally. "Because I'm not stupid. The only reason you haven't conquered the earth was because you've been an idiot, and even then you usually almost win," she answered bluntly.
"Zim prefers the term compromised, but continue," Zim commented dryly.
"If you really have your shit together, I'm well aware that this planet is doomed. And I've wanted to see these morons burn a few times myself," Gaz answered with a snort.
"Interesting. I'd almost say you weren't human," Zim commented in praise and endearment.
"Besides, you already promised me games and Bloaties," Gaz recalled with a small smirk. "Now what about you?"
"Zim is the best; Why would he settle for anything less than the best human?" Zim answered without missing a beat.
Gaz snorted. "Don't know if you're flattering or overvaluing me there, Zim. Besides, you're an old man by our count. Why not go for some celebrity or athlete? Or heck, a soldier instead of a little girl?" she questioned.
"Hm?" Zim asked in surprise, looking at her oddly. "Well, if we're continuing with the pet analogy, it is best to get them young. But in all seriousness? By the much superior Irken calender I am, what would the phrase be? A "young punk" in terms of our lifespan. You'll be in your prime within another Irken year, that's not a long time to me," Zim explained.
"Guess I can give you that," Gaz grumbled to herself. "So, what, you going to just leave me to rot if it you find a better human to be your trophy?"
"Fret not, little Gazling. Your status with Zim is permanent. I'd just have to decide how many pets I can handle," Zim countered coolly.
"You can't even handle Gir," Gaz pointed out bluntly.
"An Irken Control Brain couldn't handle that Gibbering In Ravings Unit," Zim murmured with a slight eye twitch. "Look, Gaz? You're honestly the first human I've never wanted to destroy. That is the long and short of the why."
"And you're the least annoying person I've met in this entire annoying world. Or at least your kind of annoying grew on me better than the rest," Gaz admitted with a shrug, smiling at his back. "Good to know though, Zim."
"You as well, Gaz-baby," Zim answered smugly.
Gaz rolled her eyes, choosing not to acknowledge that nickname. In doing so, she caught sight of something on a computer terminal. "Is this a Game Slave 3? I thought you said you didn't have any games down here? You know they have a fourth one, right?" she pointed out as she picked up the device.
"Huh? Wait, Don't Touch-!" Zim yelled in alarm, only to find it was much too late.
*CRANK!*Clink!*
Gaz blinked in surprise as restraints appeared on her in the form of a rectangular box holding her wrists like cuffs, attached to the Game Slave, from it were also two cords, like Zim's pak-tentacles in miniature, latching onto her neck and ankles, with a third between her ankles. "...The Heck?" Gaz asked expectantly.
"You can see why Zim didn't count this," Zim stated, looking rather sheepish at that. "Zim wasn't sure you wouldn't help the Dib-stink in the early days, so I did create several devices to incapacitate you," he explained.
Gaz rose an eyebrow at that. "And you thought tying me up with a Game Slave would do it?" she questioned skeptically. "Even less of an idiot than I thought."
"Less compromised. And yes, I was rather proud of that. Especially since it has all the previous editions of your games included or at least, the ones I could copy from your collection...and I may have installed a combat simulation AI to make ultra-hard versions of everything," Zim answered with a grin as Gaz looked at him with honest awe. "Did I mention the battery life of one earth year?"
"...Zim, how is it you can suddenly make me wish you had kidnapped me a few times during your fights with Dib?" Gaz asked with a twitching brow.
"Because you're just now realizing how honored you are to know the amazing Ziiim!" he answered dramatically, hand over his chest.
"I'm getting there, surprisingly," Gaz admitted with a shrug. "So, how do I get out of these?" she asked, holding up her hands.
"I programmed the release code as the one thing you'd never want to say," Zim answered playfully.
"...Oh, you absolute ass, what is it?" Gaz asked with a groan.
"You have to say "He is awesome." Only replace He with your brother's name," Zim answered with a snicker.
"That, that's just horrible," Gaz said in mock disgust.
"Relax, I was reconfiguring them to be more for appearances when you become my pet. Say it once and you can reset it to anything you want," Zim assured dismissively.
"Looks? Let me guess, so all your Irken friends think that I'm a tame little earthling?" Gaz questioned with an eye roll.
"...Something like that," Zim answered, scratching the side of his head evasively as his antennae twitched. Thankfully, Gaz had turned her attention onto the Game Slave itself, allowing him to continue his project.
"So, what is that, anyway?" Gaz asked curiously, not looking up from the mobile/restraint device.
"Something I invented to set water on fire."
Timeskip
"Why is Zim doing this again?" Zim asked with a deadpan as they stood in the hallway to Dib's room, the door mercifully closed.
"You already agreed to help," Gaz pointed out.
"I agreed to create the serum! Not deliver it into whatever is left of his puuuuutrid bloodstream!" Zim protested viciously.
"Yeah, but we both know I'm not touching him while he's like that," Gaz countered bluntly.
"Ghrrrr!" Zim growled, all four of his arms making squeezing, vaguely threatening motions at her before deflating with an eye roll and a sigh. "Fine, but you owe me two now, Gaz-pet."
Gaz smirked in triumph as the Irken Invader stalked to the room, pausing as he double checked to make sure his gloves were firmly on while two mechanical arms emerged from his pack, strapping a breathing mask onto his face. Gaz wisely pulled her shirt over her nose as Zim opened the door, a puff of stink rushing out, making Zim cough with a disgusted grunt before venturing in.
"Gaz is that y-, ZIM! What are you doing here!? Wait, stay back! What is that, WHAT IS THAT!? You're not going to inject me with some mutant flu to spread to the rest of mankind! No, get away!" Dib cried out as a crash rang through the house, Gaz watching on expectantly as the struggling continued. "Haha! Got you now, Zim! Now I can expose-holy platypus, how are you this strong!? Gah, put me down you alien monster! Gaz, help! He's going...he's going to...!...RAAAW! MY ARM! He got me! Avenge me, Gaz! Aven- Ha! Got your glo-!"
"AHHHHH!" Zim screamed as he charged out of the room, ripping off his mask and holding his now bare right hand. "My hand! My hand!" he yelled in agony
"Ew, gross, you touched him," Gaz remarked with a sickened look. "But why are you being a whiner?"
"IT TASTED HIM!" Zim declared in furry.
"Huh...?" Gaz said, stepping back with a disturbed look before catching on. "Wait, you taste through your hands?"
"YES! Now grab Zim the sweetest, most tasteful thing you can find so that I may cleanse my hand of this disgusting agony!" Zim declared as he thrust forward his offended arm without looking. He blinked after a moment. "Huh, that works. What did you have so handy, Gazling?" Zim asked curiously as he looked to her, only to go blank faced as he realized he was touching Gaz's cheek. Said purplette was staring at him with wide eyes and a blush, unsure how to respond to such an event. Zim stared for a long, long time with a darkening of his own cheeks, his antennae high and alert, before finally sighing as he retracted his hand. "Of course you are the cure to this Dib-gust," Zim murmured to himself.
"We never speak of this," Gaz murmured through gritted teeth.
"Yeah, yeah. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go disinfect this hand, possibly delete that taste from my memories, and get another glove," Zim said, waving her off.
"Wait, you never said how long this could take," Gaz pointed out with a cocked head.
"I dunno," Zim answered with a shrug.
"What do you mean, you dunno?" Gaz asked with a glare.
"This was a rush job. I don't know how fast it'll work, just that it will," Zim elaborated uncaringly. "Could take a few days, or it could an hour-"
"GHAAA! BL-BL-BLAAAAUG! AAAAAAAAAH!"
Gaz and Zim looked on in surprise at the disturbing and gross sounds coming from Dib's room. "Or it could take twenty seconds, apparently," Zim mused. "Not cleaning that up, by the way."
"Couldn't you have just used a blow dart or something?" Gaz pointed out as an afterthought.
"Yeah, right, you would have needed good luck to hit a vein in that mess. Anyway, I'm done here, so Zim is out," Zim declared as he made his way to the stairs.
Dib, now far less fat and back to his state from six months ago, groaned as he emerged from his bedroom, leaving on the wall and looking particularly woozy. "Anyone get the number on that spaceship that hit me?" Dib asked slowly.
"Dib, go take a shower, you still make me want to barf," Gaz ordered before walking away to her own room.
Dib lifted his armpit to take a whiff of himself and recoiled. "For once, she's not exaggerating," Dib decided with a shiver, limping off to the bathroom.
Meanwhile
Zim exited the Membrane household, fully expecting to just walk home without interruption. But as fate would have it, Professor Membrane was out there as well, working on something with four children around him. He considered just walking off unnoticed until he saw the children, all holding hands, levitate off the ground with a blue aura around them.
To say the least, the alien's interest was piqued. While making sure his ungloved hand stayed firmly in his pocket, he casually walked up to the adult human as he fiddled with something on his wrist. "Alright, Test Children. These bracelets are just prototypes, so try not to breathe or think while the energy field is-" the Professor instructed until he noticed the green child next to him. "Oh, Zim! I didn't know you were over today," he greeted in a welcoming tone.
"Yeah, hi., um...pardon the directness, but what is this?" Zim asked, staring intently at the floating children.
"Oh, this is just what I'll be unveiling at our Peace Day Keynote," the Professor answered rather proudly.
"Levitation fields?" Zim guessed with a raised eyebrow.
"No, that's on next year's list. Levitation is just a side effect in the prototypes for now," Professor Membrane assured. "I'd say more, but you'll just have to wait like the rest."
"Can you at least tell me what powers them?" Zim asked in legitimate curiosity.
"Hmm, well, that is a bit of a spoiler, but I suppose I can let you in on that since you've seen these," he mused with a grin beneath his collar. "We're calling it Childergy."
"Childergy?" Zim repeated, raising an eyebrow before going wide-eyed. "As in Energy naturally generated by children?" he guessed.
"Exactly. Now, I'm sorry, Zim, but I am a bit busy with fine tuning these," the scientist informed as he returned to his bracelet.
"Yeah, yeah, you do that. I'll, um, just be going, and, um...bye," Zim said with a distant look in his eye as he made his way home with a unbroken pace, completely tuning out the entire world as he went. Not even a dog barking in his ear elicited a reaction as he continued to his base, walking up the front lawn, opening the door, and catching Gir before he made impact with his head. The disguised robot giggled nonsensically in his master's grip.
"Welcome home, I made WAFFLE pies!" Gir declared happily in a southern accent.
"Believe it or not, I think he actually did a good job this time," Computer informed.
"You don't have taste buds," Zim answered dully..
"True, but my scans do say it's edible for Irkens," Computer answered before pausing as Zim continued to stand there, holding Gir. "Umm, Zim? You okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. Computer, be sure to be ready to make an emergency departure, along with a snatch and grab for the Gazling," Zim ordered bluntly.
"...Whhhhhy?" Computer questioned cautiously.
"The humans are playing with what they call Childergy," Zim informed bluntly.
"...Child Energy. As in...?" Computer asked warily.
"Yeah, that," Zim confirmed as he finally put Gir down, who started to run circles around him.
"...Does it count as your win if the humans off themselves?" Computer asked curiously.
End of Chapter
Hehe, weren't expecting another chapter already, eh? So, yeah, we get some more Zim-Gaz moments, but its mainly Zim taking stock of everything: both with the Irken Empire at large and his resources for taking over Earth. Being out for six months meant some of them are no longer viable for various reasons.
And Dib gets turned back to normal out of pity, while Zim is actually alarmed by the Childergy thing. Enough to plan for an emergency evac if needed.
All in all, a little campy, but we're moving onto the action with the Keynote happening next chapter, along with some funny little hints at things here and there along with call backs to episodes in the series.
Hope you all enjoyed this until next time!
As always, if you're willing and able, please consider tipping to my pat-reon, under the same name as this one. If not, I hope you enjoyed this all the same.