Zim the Warlord: Irken Reversion
Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim or anything else here
Gaz chose to ignore the amused look Zim gave her as she nodded her head to a song she could only guess was called "Flibba Dibba Hoinka Smeedge" as they flew through the vacuum of space in Zim's voot ship. "So, Todog?" she asked idly.
"What about the lazy-scooch?" Zim responded with a head tilt.
"Just surprised to learn you have friends, let alone friends that you hug," Gaz explained with a shrug.
"Yes, well, not many can handle Zim's intense amazingness," Zim answered proudly.
"Right. Anyway, he's a lazy genius?" Gaz summarized.
"Genius is debatable, but his laziness is of the highest caliber. That said, he will inevitably be among the most successful Warlords, I have no doubt," Zim answered confidently.
"I'll take your word on that. How did you become friends anyway?" Gaz asked curiously.
"I have no idea," Zim responded bluntly.
Gaz looked at him skeptically. "You can remember minute things about your classmates from decades ago that allow you to rip them apart in combat, but you can't remember how you became friends with one of the only people I know who likes you?" she inquired slowly.
"Honestly, yes," Zim answered with a shrug. "Todog was always just...there. Sharing a meal, congratulating me on my latest achievement, pulling me out of a few kriffing fires and so on…"
"Instant friendship, eh?" Gaz mused. "And what was the creep's deal with wanting me?"
"Sneak didn't want you; he wanted a human like you. And why wouldn't he? I did pick out the perfect human as a trophy, slave, and pet," Zim said smugly.
"Just surprised that sentiment isn't a Zim-exclusive feeling among your kind," Gaz murmured with her arms crossed, wondering just how many Irkens and aliens in general would want someone like her as a pet. "...Okay, I'll stop beating around the bush. Warlord? You're going to be conquering multiple worlds?"
"Oh yesssss, and it will be glorious," Zim said with an overly delightful grin, wrapping one arm around Gaz's shoulders. "Be a good little Gazling and I'll even let you help."
"...Wow, that was actually clean," Gaz stated in legitimate surprise.
"Clean?" Zim looked at her oddly before blowing a breath into his hand and waving the exhaled air to his antenna. "Does Zim have bad breath?" he asked himself.
"Whatever. Look, just focus on Earth first. I'm sure that'll be giving you enough trouble with all the mental voodoo to come," Gaz reminded.
"Despite Sneak's situation getting out of his grip for now, chaos can be a very effective element for an Irken," Zim mused with a devious smirk before giving her a curious look. "So, drop you off first or my place?"
"Why your place?" Gaz questioned before clicking her tongue in understanding. "Right, Dib. When are we getting back anyway?"
"Oh, right about now," Zim answered as he pressed a button, the peaceful and empty void of space replaced by a large ball of green and blue that they were rapidly approaching.
"What the kriff! Damnit, you guys got me saying that now," Gaz swore with a grumble. "But what was that?"
"What do you think Irkens do when we have a boring, long ride through space with nothing to do?" Zim asked rhetorically. "We switch on the autopilot, turn on a repeat feed over the shields, and take a nap."
"I thought you didn't need naps? And why would you put it up now?" Gaz questioned in confusion.
"First, we don't unless heavily strained like I have been by this healing factor, but that doesn't make it any less pleasant to indulge in normally. Second, I half expected one of us to pass out on the trip back. Zim's endurance and stamina surprises even himself," he said with a self-proud smile.
Gaz said nothing as she instinctively braced for landing, despite the fact that the voot's gravity generator nullified the need to. The world zoomed closer until she could see the city, then Zim's neighborhood and out-of-place house. It was dark, so there weren't many potential witnesses to the alien craft, which would have been written off as something mundane or as a Membrane experiment.
She and Zim both blinked, sharing a bizarre look as they took in the front yard. It was trashed, to say the least. Small craters in the ground, puddles on the normally dry sidewalk, the gnomes were covered in something gooey and pink, and Gir was sitting on the walkway. In his disguise, thankfully, but eating what Gaz hoped was just burnt popcorn. She didn't want to think about just what else made popcorn turn black.
Without saying another word, Zim scooped up Gaz in his arms and jumped out of the ship, which went on autopilot back to the hangar in the attic. Gaz, to her credit, remained unflustered as Zim placed her on the ground. She could have made the jump, but a silent shushing motion from Zim told her not to say anything just yet.
"Gir? Intruders?" Zim asked, making sure not to raise his voice.
"Hiya, Masta! Hiya Masta's pretty lady-pet! Masta's friends are playin in the house, while I'm watching my new favorite show!" Gir declared before staring intently at a puddle while munching on his supposed popcorn.
"Is he just...watching the water dry or his reflection?" Gaz asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Knowing him, both," Zim answered with a sigh, waving Gir off and walking by him. "As you were, Gir," he stated as he went up to his ajar door and stepped inside with a tired but entirely unsurprised look on his face.
Inside, he saw three combatants frozen in mid-battle while staring at him with wide eyes. Skoodge and Bob were using an upturned couch for cover, Skoodge with a small Irken rifle and Bob with some squishy green orbs, while a water-gun wielding Dib was hiding behind a wet and broken television. "That was a seventy-inch, plasma screen TV," Zim stated with a quiet fury before taking a deep breath and putting on a tone of false pleasantness. "So, how may Zim help you this night, Dib-stink?"
"Um, it's a long story?" Dib tried, looking more nervous as Gaz came in and gave him an annoyed look. "Well, I see you both had a pleasant trip. I guess they weren't lying about th-"
"Tell you what? I'm in a good, tired mood so if I don't have to explain what happened up there, you don't have to explain what happened down here," Zim offered with a deadpan expression.
"...weighing my survival instincts against my brotherly urge to ask what you two did that made you tired and hap-" Dib started, Gaz growling from behind Zim. "Oh, look at the time! Gaz, we should be going! End your evil plots another day, Zim! Have a nice night!" Dib declared as he quickly ran around Zim with a forced smile.
"Make sure he gets home, please," Zim requested in annoyance, pinching the place between his eyes.
Gaz grunted in acknowledgement before turning to the other two Irkens. "You two are seriously lame," she stated before heading out.
"Broad," Bob muttered, scowling nervously when Zim turned his attention on them, Skoodge ducking down. "Okay, Zim! For the record, we didn't start Kriff! We were out in disguises, minding our own beeswax, when that bozo just followed us home and started going crazy on us!" he stated with a heavy New York accent.
"What on Irk is your voice doing?" Zim asked blandly.
Bob became more sheepish at that. "Trying out a human accent?"
"Well, stop or get a better one," Zim ordered. "Computer, what happened?"
"Oh, these two went off to some comic store. Best I can tell, Dib got a part time job there and noticed your address on the "where to send" part of their membership accounts," Computer explained without interest.
"Great, now that is a thing," Zim murmured, glancing to the third Irken in the room. "Skoodge, did you both get done unpacking? Did Bob explain the experiments to you?"
"Sir, yes, sir!" Skoodge saluted proudly, his rifle in his other hand. "Umm, except for the cloning experiment. Bob says he doesn't understand that thing."
"I only do by contrast to the original," Zim admitted with a shrug. "Good work, soldiers. If you had managed to fend off one earthling intruder, I'd even be impressed."
"That bozo is a freak and you know it!" Bob defended with his arms crossed. "And we're in hiding, not your underlings, Zim."
"You are now," Zim answered with a smirk to their confusion. "Check your pak updates."
Both Irkens blinked as their attention went internally. "Yadayada, now under the direct command of Warlord Zim- oh, well tark," Bob grumbled in surprised. "Zim, I appreciate being under your protection, but should I be worried about the Tallests knowing I'm alive?"
"Oh no, I'm saving that bet you won as a bargaining chip. In exchange, I shall supply you with Chicken-Knot," Zim assured.
"I told you, there is a difference between Hentai and anime!" Bob defended.
"I know," Zim answered casually.
Bob blinked, than blinked again. "Oh. Ohhh! Umm, well, I still want the anime! And the games! And- Skoodge, what do you want?" Bob asked quickly.
"Bob, I am a fully trained and loyal invader of the Irken Empire," Skoodge scolded, standing straight with patriotic pride. "...But can I have a Wii?"
"A Wii? Seriously? What is wrong with you?" Bob asked in disappointment.
"You do realize this isn't a negotiation, right?" Zim questioned flatly.
"Do you really care, Zim?" Computer asked in a similar tone.
"No, no I don't," Zim admitted. "Nothing changes, Bob, you're just officially my subordinate now."
"Oh, cool...it's not a lot of hentai, you know?" Bob defended, looking away while refusing to look embarrassed.
"Okay, Zim is done with this conversation," Zim declared as he left the room. "Clean up this mess! And get Gir inside!"
"Why do you even like that stuff?" Skoodge asked curiously.
"Not like you can do anything like that," Computer pointed out dryly.
"I just enjoy watching how aliens breed, okay!" Bob said defensively before looking thoughtful. "Must be pretty boring for humans if they have to invent all these, what do they call them? Kanks? Kunks? Eh, doesn't matter. Come on, let's go find the spare television."
Next Day
Professor Membrane had a coincidentally malleable yet strict schedule for a normal day.
Four hours with anything regarding the public, including how to better distribute or promote an item to the people.
Six hours of personal inventing time- ironically, this was the only time he ever cut short. After all, some experiments and inventions needed time to show failure or success.
Three hours to spend checking over finished projects and inventions from his staff.
Four hours mingling in the halls, looking among his fellow yet lesser scientists for any problems he saw an easy fix for or otherwise promising projects at work.
Two hours for family time. It didn't seem like much to some, but he often squeezed up another hour out from the rest of his schedule, sometimes even two.
To end it all, five hours of sleep; while not the recommended amount for the average human, he was one of the fortune homo sapiens that could operate with just those five hours.
While the exact time he did these things was hardly ever set in stone, the amount of time didn't change unless things got, as his employees called it, interesting. And given how Dib had been acting up, he had been strict in making sure not to skimp on the two hours with his children.
Currently, he found himself wandering the halls, and he made sure to have this more on the early side for today. After all, he had to see how his new intern was settling in. That and pass along a message from Gaz.
He was probably too accepting of the closeness his daughter was showing towards the green boy, but he was just happy that she had a positive relationship with someone her own age. Not to mention, she had been a little disappointed during his six month departure, but that miiiiiight have been due to Dib's smell.
Despite himself, the man of science shuddered. That boy definitively did not inherit his body odor from him.
Ignoring that, he found his labs in a curious state of inactivity. Even on a dull day, there should the dull din of typing, writing, equipment buzzing, and muttering. But most of the labs were curiously empty. He would be more annoyed at that setback to numerous things if he wasn't certain about the source of the disruption.
Low and behold, he found a crowd of white coated men and women crowding around the door way to one of the labs. No, actually, scratch that, the breakroom.
"Ztiwelkram, a word?" he spoke, drawing the attention of a curly ginger haired man, along with several others.
"Professor Membrane! Sorry, we don't mean to waste time, but, well, we had to see to believe this," Ztiwelkram answered nervously.
"A perfect attitude for a scientist, but as your boss, I am obliged to ask: What's all this about?" Membrane asked in bemusement.
"It's your new intern, Sir! We sat him down in the breakroom to go over basic rules, and he just started...building something," Ztiwelkram answered enthusiastically.
"Something?" Membrane asked blandly, finding the word choice underwhelming. "Alright, make way people."
The scientists all started to move apart to let the smartest human on Earth pass without fuss. He took one step into the room and paused as he regarded the surprisingly small and tidy mess. "Zim."
"Professor," Zim greeted without looking up, completely focused on the task of turning a screw just the right amount without going too far. The device itself looked like some sort of child toy arena, circular with metal poles on six different places holding up a ring that could move up and down. The center had a half-sphere impression and some sort of terminal on the side with buttons. "Zim means no disrespect, but this might catch fire if Zim stops now."
"Oh, no, I perfectly understand. What are you working on, if I may ask?" he asked curiously, having no context to narrow down the possibilities. That said, he did glare at the remains of the microwave and coffee maker.
"Just Zim's contribution to the work place," Zim answered vaguely before stopping all movement and carefully bringing his hands and tools away. "Why are those meat bags staring at us, exactly?"
'They're just curious about the new guy, as the expression goes. Now Zim, you're new here, so you're not in trouble but we have a rule around here: You can use nonessential and cheap company property for parts, but you are responsible for replacing them- with a new item or cash," Membrane explained calmly, before glaring again at the broken devices. "Though, you do realize in a place like this that half the staff runs on coffee and microwavable food, right?"
Zim raised an eyebrow at him. "Do I have to replace them if my device can complete their functions even better?" he asked curiously.
"You upgraded the coffee maker?' Membrance asked with a head tilt.
"Well, I heard a lot of these coat-monkeys complaining about not being able to obtain a satisfactory beverage of coco-beans. And I didn't want to hear that every day I arrive here, so I solved their problem before it became mine," Zim elaborated, placing an empty mug in the center of the device, raising the ring to keep it leveled a bit below the top of the cup. He pressed a button, and with a zap, the cup was filled.
"Not bad. You still have to replace the microwave though," Membrane informed matter of factly.
"Eh? That piece of junk was actually in use? Regardless, I'm currently fine tuning the heating function to do that job as well," Zim responded.
"A microwave that doubles as a coffee maker? Hmm, that could actually be impressive if it works," Membrane mused, studying the contraption. "How would you even keep the radiation from leaking out too hazardously?"
"And that is where I am stalling. Not from lack of ideas, mind you, but these parts may be inefficient in quality," Zim explained with a glare at his invention. "Also, is there a reason the toaster wants to kill me?"
"DON'T TALK ABOUT ME LIKE I'M NOT HERE, YOU LIME SKINNED BASTARD!"
"Where does that voice even come from?" one of the scientists muttered in annoyance.
"From your anal cavities, you smucks!"
"One of my former employees has a self-proclaimed mad-genius for a child, who may have tried to impress us all with an experimental AI," Membrane explained flatly. "It keeps threatening to explode every time we even go near its cord. We're waiting on it to break on its own now."
"Why would that be impressive?" Zim asked in confusion, getting a shrug from Membrane as they both ignored the sapient appliance. "No offense, but where is the office drone that is supposed to indoctrinate me in your rules?"
"Oh, we'll take care of that soon enough. Human Resources won't throw a fit until the second week of your employment," Membrane waved off. "You do know the agreement about all inventions created on and with Membrane property, correct?"
"What agreement?" Zim asked blankly.
"Right, first day," Membrance reminded himself. "My company produces and sells the item; you get twenty percent of all profits. If you have or make your own business to create and sell the item, we get ten percent of the profit."
"I'll just have to be sure to create my best inventions at home then," Zim remarked with a chuckle before leaning back to glare at the onlookers. "Do you piles of diseases have nothing better to do?"
"Phrasing aside, he is right people. Chop-chop, this is a lab, not a circus show!" Membrane instructed, showing them off as the crowd dispersed. "By the way, Gaz sends her apologies. Did Dib really make a mess of your living room?"
"I was honestly too tired to care by that point whose fault it was, and just sent him home. I think it was just a game of water balloons or something that got a bit crazy," Zim answered uncaringly.
"Dib's ranting about them being aliens aside, I'm actually happy to hear he is having fun in a more normal fashion for a boy his age," Membrane commented fondly, his cellphone suddenly going off. "Speak of the electron, that's him now."
"Five dollars says it's about unicorns," Zim challenged smugly, leaning back in his chair as Membrane eyed him oddly and answered the phone.
"Professor Dad on the line, Son," Membrane answered fondly, tilting his head slightly. "A television? Yes, I'm near one," he confirmed, walking over to the breakroom television and turning it on to flip through the channels.
"-And there you have it, folks. While we have no way of confirming the legitimacy of this video yet, it appears to depict a number of what can only be described as unicorns grazing. Experts have found no evidence in the video being tampered or altered, but are unwilling to commit to claiming it authentic. Coupled with a reported sighting in the rural lands surrounding the city, and beyond, has led to a seemingly impossible question having to be asked. One formerly reserved for big-headed freaks with nothing better to do than consider insane conspiracies: Are Unicorns real?"
Membrane gave Zim a suspicious look while covering the receiver. "You saw the news earlier, didn't you?" he guessed, while Zim just nodded with a wide grin. "Well, this'll be a recurring topic today, I'm sure," he mused in patient resignation. "Oh, just finishing a discussion with Zim, Dib. Yes, he is here- remember, he's an intern here now, Dib? Hmm? You have another call? Well, just call ba-"
"No need, it's just me," Zim's voice came over the line, and from behind the professor.
"Zim? What the-how did you get this number?! And how did you turn this into a three-way call?" Dib asked with bewilderment.
"By calling a two-way call," Zim answered condescendingly. "So, Dib-brains, are you freaking out over the maybe-mutant equine-beasts?"
"Of course I am! If those are real, you know what that means!" Dib declared vehemently.
"That anyone partaking in their flesh will have a harder time obtaining it?" Zim guessed curiously.
"No! The mass awakening of magic is already taking place! Just like you said!" Dib retorted fiercely.
"Did I say that?" Zim asked playfully, mouthing something to Membrane about taking care of this.
The professor just nodded. "Well, have fun talking with Zim, Dib, but try not to bother him too much at work hours. He's already invented something."
"Yeah, a crappy bean-radiator knockoff!"
"Wait, Dad, what was tha-! And he hung up," Dib remarked flatly. "Seriously, what or who was that."
"Just the homicidal toaster," Zim answered casually.
"Wait, that's real? I thought Dad was pulling my leg after hearing too many conspiracy theories," Dib remarked in surprise. "And why are you stopping me from convincing my dad these are real!? Is this another plan?"
"That? No, I just enjoy messing with you. Besides, I've been on Earth long enough to know about Photoshop. If the Dib-stink desires his paternal unit to believe him, then he should consider bringing one of these things in," Zim remarked casually. "Doesn't really matter, as there will be so many supposedly-impossible creatures showing up that no one will be able to ignore it."
"Yeah, I guess that's true. So...what are you making, exactly?" Dib asked suspiciously.
"To simplify? I fused a microwave with a coffee maker," Zim answered with a shrug.
"...Why?" Dib asked in confusion.
"Zim was bored and his fellow coat-monkeys were annoying," Zim answered without missing a beat.
"Coat-monkeys? Really? That's what you're going with?" Dib inquired with a deadpan tone to his voice. "Look, I'm just going to assume that this is somehow part of an evil plan I don't see yet."
"Dib-stink, what part of "all plans are scrapped" did you not understand?" Zim reminded dully. "So, these unicorns, what are they like in your tales?"
"Why?" Dib asked with a scowl.
"I'm curious about what their reality is like as opposed to their myth," Zim explained. "We had a myth on Irk about, umm, let's just call it an aerial cephalopod. We introduced magic-based energy to our world as an experiment, turned out the creature was a bunch of serpents that could fuse together. Weirdest part, it wasn't even a carnivore; it just ate what our clothes use to be made of."
"That is...weird," Dib allowed before pausing. "Well, unicorns are very popular to use in fantasy settings and cartoons, especially as toys for little girls, so there is a lot stuff made up for entertainment. But a common theme is that they're pure creatures that only react well to virgins or pure souls in general sometimes. Can't remember if their healing powers are from classic myths or a new thing from modern stories. They might or might not attack evil people so, you know, you should definitely go and visit them up close without a shield or weapon," Dib suggested cheekily.
"Hilarious, Dib-stink," Zim remarked, grinning none the less. "So, what's a virgin?"
"..." Dib's line went silent. "I am not having this conversation."
"Relax, I'm just kidding. Sex Ed was mandatory, remember?" Zim assured, snickering.
"And you still claim not to know all the double-meanings you drop around my sister?" Dib questioned skeptically.
"Double-what now?" Zim asked with a raised eyebrow. "Look, Dib, I actually do need to get going. I'm pretty sure this thing I made on a lark to kill time just became my first success in your father's employ."
"Yeah, and I got to get ready for my shift anyway," Dib admitted.
"Question: Why are you working as some drone in a graphic novel store?" Zim asked curiously.
"Dad says I got to pay for my "crazy hobbies" myself now, so I got a part time job here," Dib explained offhandedly before smirking. "Good thing I did too. Thanks to that, I discovered you brought in reinforcements. Realized earth is too tough to handle, Alien Scum?"
"Right, yeah, sure. I will kill you all, and all that. Bye!" Zim droned on before clicking his phone off. "Zim has never met one that enjoys having his voice being heard by no one as much as the Dib."
Timeskip
It didn't take Zim long to realize something was wrong. Unlike humans, civilization had never really dulled that sixth sense in Irkens, warning them that they were being hunted.
Even if the hunter was insignificant.
It had started once he left Membrane property. Being stared at wasn't unusual, as green skin garnered a few second looks before humans would move on. But that feeling of being followed soon bubbled over the sense of being watched. He could have vanished, avoided this situation easily, but he supposed he was a bit too much like the Professor in that regard. He wanted to know just who was after him.
He kept it casual, pretending not to notice the ones following him in a crowd.
Then someone bumped into him, dropping a cellphone in front of Zim. "Oh, sorry about that," a man said, stepping forward to pick up the cellphone. He looked like what Zim believed humans called a "hippie" with the peace sign pinned to some dirty old vest and long blonde hair that Zim quickly deduced was a wig. The man gave him a cool, poisonous smile as he leaned down and carefully flashed a gun holstered inside the vest. "Let's not make a scene here, Kid," he said, nodding to the alley.
Zim looked bored if anything as he complied. By the footsteps behind him, there was only one more with the man. He could see another duo walking down from the street on the other end of the alley, meaning four assailants in total.
"Talk about a reversal of luck, Kid," the man behind him stated as they walked, obviously keeping his gun trained on Zim. "First you end up one of the youngest interns for the Professor, and then you have the misfortune of running into us."
"Too bad. Karma owes him something with skin like that," his partner mused, snickering cockily.
"Well, if he plays it smart, we might even let him walk away with his life and a cut of the pie," the first stated with a smirk.
Zim, meanwhile, pinched the bridge between his eyes as he suffered through the inane dribble.
"Don't try anything smart though, Einstein. You don't want to fuck with us," the first warned, jabbing the gun against Zim's head. The alien stopped and let out a chuckle. "Something funny, kid?" he asked warningly.
"No, well, sorry, yes," Zim said as he slowly turned around with a smirk of his own. "I mean, this was annoying at first, but I just realized something hilarious. Hilarious, but sad."
"And what's that, freak?" one of the newcomers asked as the second two pulled their guns as well.
Or, they tried to, before two lasers from Zim's pak cut their hands off, cauterizing the stumps as the two fell to the ground while screaming in agony.
Zim gained a zipper toothed smile at the now terrified muggers. "You all really thought youwere the monsters here?"
End of Chapter
And another one bites the dust! Sorry for making you wait a bit. Was busy with my star wars fics. Plus regular everyday IRL issues. But here we have the return to earth AND Zim's first day in the lab. And lets be honest, a lot of us wish we had a Coffee Maker-Microwave combo machine. And unicorns have shown up, as did some idoits trying to coerce Zim into helping them steal from the lab.
So, hope you all enjoyed this. Been loving what's been going on in the TV Trope Pages. Until next time, enjoy!
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