Trigger warnings: grief

-Chapter 7-

Existing Without Form

Eventually the hard mattress, scratchy blanket, and presence of a stranger in the bed were no longer enough to keep the exhaustion from claiming her. Evelyn spiralled into sleep. When she finally opened her dreaming eyes, it was with the most profound relief she could have imagined. The blue-green haze of the Fade cradled her protectively, gathered around her in a way that now felt familiar.

Sitting bolt upright, she looked around frantically for her friend, wanting the comfort of his presence. She didn't have to search for long; his massive lupine body was curled beside the cot, between her and the next bunk over, the space seeming to bend to accommodate him. He gazed back at her with six sad, white eyes, and slowly brought his huge chin to rest on the edge of the bed.

Negative emotions were usually somewhat dulled for her in the Fade, it was her safe place, her sanctuary from day to day life. But grief is its own creature. Evelyn pressed her tiny face into his nose, resting her head against the shorter fur there, and let the waves of regret and despair crash over her. Even here, she couldn't escape the sound of Max hitting the dirt. It was like it had been carved into her ears, and now that horrible noise was a part of her. Crack. Crack. Crack.

Her mind began to turn on her, pulling her into a dark spiral, replaying the moment again and again. She opened her eyes as fear began to overtake her, looking to her guardian wolf for comfort. As she looked, though, she saw the world changing around them- splintering each time that crack echoed through her. The very room they sat in, the bunk beds and trunks and silent stone walls bathed in green light, all began to tear away in wisps. She reached out in panic, grabbing for one of the bits of the world, but it vanished between her fingers, dissolving to shimmering dust and then- nothing. All at once they were plunged into oppressive darkness.

Evelyn reached for her friend, anchoring her hands in his fur. She tried to call for him, but found that the darkness was a nothingness that blotted out everything. Everything except for that terrible crack. Her mind and body felt fractured, she couldn't tell which way was up. She was losing herself in this dark place, losing herself to that sound. All that kept her tethered were her hands, tied tightly into deep fur; she could no longer even see him. She started to scream, making no noise at all.

Max was gone. Everything was gone. She would be forgotten by her family, who had left her to rot in a tower for kidnapped children. She was alone. Alone. As soon as she had the thought, she felt her fingers begin to slip. A jolt of terror shot through her, the crack becoming deafening in her ears, disorienting her with the force of it. She struggled to hold her grip on her companion, the monster who took care of her, shrieking silently as an invisible force tried to rip her away. His fur was sliding out of her grasp, the word alone burrowing itself into her heart.

And then, without warning, everything stopped. It was still dark, but now quiet, no more noises to torture her. There was no tension pulling her away from her friend, who she could feel at her side, his presence huge and comforting. She noticed solid ground beneath her feet, wiggled her toes and felt earth there. Even her mind was quieter. The crushing loss was still present, but dulled a little bit, so she could think around the edges.

I am so sorry for your pain, da'len.

She felt her companion speaking to her, and nestled herself deeper into the softness of his chest, stretching her arms out so she was holding him.

"What... what just happened?" She asked slowly, voice muffled in his thick coat. The words felt thick, like they stuck to her tongue.

You're hurting very much. You speak your heart to the Fade, it changes around your suffering.

"I did that?" Evelyn was far past shock at this point, registering only confusion.

He didn't answer. Instead, she felt a draft of warmth radiating from his massive form. Gradually, she realized she could see the hazy outline of him against the dark. Looking around, she spotted single light glowing from above her head, just a pinprick twinkling against the darkness. As she watched, more started to become visible, flickering like so many distant candles. They appeared one by one at first, and then began rolling out in sparkling waves. It was like throwing diamond dust into the sky, seeing them swirl together.

They swam and danced and ran in little rivulets, never seeming to hold still; an endless phantasmagoria stretched above the little girl and her wolf. Evelyn's throat tightened around a lump, stealing her voice as she gaped upwards. The sky was more stars than void now, leaving both of them bathed in silver light. The wolf's black fur was glossy under the luminous display, she could see the rippling texture of it as it contoured his canine body; both soft and protective.

She felt dirt squishing between her toes, and looked down at the ground she was standing on just in time to see the beginnings of a small green sprout. Rubbing her eyes as they adjusted, she crouched down. Unfurling from the dirt between her and her friend was a tiny stem, but it was somehow growing fast enough that she could watch. She stared, mesmerized, as it reached up out of the ground and climbed the empty air above it. Little leaves curled out from the stem, shifting from very pale green and becoming the vibrant color of elfroot.

It wasn't elfroot. Slowly, petals began to peel themselves apart from a bud at the center, opening to reveal the most gorgeous lily Evelyn had ever seen. She sucked in a breath and held it. The white of its petals was disrupted by gentle pink at the edges, and shimmering gold where pollen dusted at its center. She rubbed her eyes again, incredulous, as she realized that the flower was literally glowing; its petals giving off a soft golden light that touched her face and the dark ringlets of her hair.

The incomparable beauty of the moment didn't fit with the sick, empty weight she felt inside; the images of her brother, dead and murderous, that kept flashing before her eyes. But it did make it a little more bearable. She looked up at her companion with more than a little amazement, knowing that he had done this. She couldn't muster a smile, and had no idea what to say, but she folded her gratitude into his thoughts in the way he had taught her over their long trips through memory. She sank down into the soft dirt, running her hands over the ground to feel it crumble beneath her fingers.

The great beast looked at her with such sympathy and helplessness that it startled her, and lowered his face to the dirt. He plucked the shimmering lily from the ground, dwarfing it with his enormous teeth. Then, very carefully, he curved over her in an arch and tucked it behind her ear. She stared at him as she took in the gesture, so tender and kind and unexpected, and felt a hot tear slip down her cheek, then another. She hadn't known you could cry in the Fade. Crawling the small distance over to him, she pressed her face into his huge shoulder, breathing in the soft, earthy scent of his coat.

She stayed there in silence for a while, noticing the strange way time seemed to hover still, intangible. Then, out of the corner of her vision, she saw something. It was another glimmering light, closer to the ground than the rest, not one of the thousand stars that blanketed over them. She turned her bleary eyes, trying to make out the shape.

It reminded her of Curiosity, the way it had flickered and wavered as though it was a trick of the light. Instead of taking the shape of a little boy, however, this seemed to be just a convergence of shifting white light. It twisted through the air like strands of hair submerged in water, fluid and graceful, and Evelyn could hear a high, keening sound like a tuning fork when it moved. It whisked over to them in a flourish, leaving a fading trail of sparks behind it. She shrunk back, fatigued and afraid.

Wisps. The wolf spoke in her head, a bit of amusement layered under his words. Playful spirits, drawn to magic. It came to see what was happening.

Evelyn nodded, dumbly, staring at the thing as it hovered in front of them. She had the sudden urge to break away and run, as far and fast as she could. In the Fade she couldn't feel the pain that came with being awake, and it gave her the sense that she could go forever, never needing to stop. But this was the world of dreams, and no matter how far she ran she would wake up alone, in that same cold tower. Her throat began to choke up again, and she struggled to force in slow, even breaths.

As she grappled for the return of her calm, the little light began to bob closer to her. She reached a hand toward it, exhausted curiosity piloting her movements, and it lifted up into her touch. The gesture reminded her of the way Torrent would nudge her hand with his soft nose when he wanted to be pet, and the ghost of a smile flitted across her face. A dim warmth was beginning to rekindle itself inside her chest.

She ran her hands over the little spirit light, feeling the tickle of its magic on her fingers. After a moment, she could breathe again, and her eyes refocused on the distance in front of her. There was a treeline there now, and she saw that she was sitting in a wide forest clearing. The trees ahead of her were tall and broad, and illuminated by even more wisps, bobbing and dancing between them. They seemed to take her notice as an invitation, because as soon as her gaze flicked up to them, they were floating in her direction. They were all nearly white, but if focused on for a moment it was clear that their colors ranged from pale pinks to blues and greens, even a couple were tinted golden.

They moved the way Evelyn imagined the fairies in her storybooks would, and she was mesmerized watching them as they floated over to her and her beastly companion. She was immediately surrounded by them; all flitting around her, sounds like the tinkling of bells following them and mixing in the empty space of the clearing. One zoomed around her head, tossing her hair in its shower of sparks. She felt the warmth of it as it grazed the skin of her nose with its light. Slowly, impossibly, she realized that she was smiling.

The Fade was her safe place, and these were her friends. As the edges of her dream softened, she found herself clinging to it, grasping for a few more minutes of comfort. But even as she squeezed her eyes shut tighter, around her, Evelyn could hear voices.

Notes:

I'm not dead! Just had crazy writer's block. But don't worry, this story lives rent free in my head every day. Dareth Shiral!