Holy Grail

Harvey turns from the bar, his knees locking when his eyes fall on Alex and Louis, but not the other two occupants of the booth they've been drinking with all night.

After Thomas signed his expansion deal with Simon Lowe, the furniture CEO insisted on taking him and Alex out to celebrate. Plus Louis. And, of course, Donna.

Without a valid reason to decline, he forced a smile and accepted the invitation, subjecting himself to the kind of hellish torment he wouldn't wish upon his worst enemy. Seeing Donna with other men has always bothered him, but having a front-row seat to her blossoming relationship keeps ramming home the warning Scottie gave him. Over the phone, she told him to get his shit together and wake up, or eventually he'd lose Donna to someone else.

Now he sees it—literally. Donna's shy smiles, the way her eyes light up when Thomas looks at her. Each moment he inadvertently catches between them is like a bludgeon to his chest. But if he thought being caught in their gravitational pull was bad, their empty spots at the table send a new wave of disdain crashing through him. It wouldn't surprise him if the pair were so wrapped up in each other they left without saying goodbye, but the possibility sure as shit goddamn stings.

Breathing in deeply, he curbs the instinct to jump to conclusions. He's angry with himself, not Donna, and he knows her better than to assume she would just up and leave. Glancing around the dimly lit pub, he proves himself right. And he doesn't know which is worse. Thinking about her and Thomas spending the rest of the evening alone or discovering Thomas' hands clutched at her waist, gently swaying her to the live band that's been playing romantic cover songs all night.

Her beaming smile is like a lighthouse, warning him of treacherous rocks ahead, but he's like an arrogant sailor refusing to steer his ship away. One look, that's all he needs from her. A small acknowledgement that she can still sense him across a room, even when she's dancing in the arms of another man. The beat of his heart times the seconds. But they count down to a Chernobyl explosion that's going to keep leaking disappointment and emptiness for years to come.

Instead of her looking his way, she laughs as Thomas whispers in her ear, and tiny pinpricks of sweat bleed into the lining of his precious Tom Ford suit. It didn't escape his notice that when they all arrived, the furniture CEO was wearing something off brand. Not cheap, but humble. One of the qualities Donna would have noticed about Thomas first and been drawn to. Because, fuck, as much as he wants to find any flaw with the man, he can't. Thomas is a good person, and in a sea of people who keep momentarily obscuring his view, he's a voyeur, stalking Donna with his gaze. And he hates how willingly his ego shrivels into submission. But he can't stop watching her, soaking in her radiance even though it's killing him.

"It's not too late."

Alex startles him, and shit, if he could lie, he would. But the cocktail of alcohol, adrenaline and shame swimming through his blood prevents his defenses from kicking in. "Yes, it is."

"Harvey —"

"Stop." It might not be too late, but when he was dating Paula and Donna kissed him, she made a mistake. If he acted now, conscious he would be setting out to ruin her relationship, then that would make him completely selfish, not to mention an asshole. "She deserves to be happy."

Alex can see that she is. The pair are dancing without a care in the world, oblivious to everything around them. But as noble as Harvey's intentions are, hiding the truth always comes at a cost. "She does, you're right," he agrees, shrugging at the couple. If the drinks hadn't been flowing freely all night, he'd probably be more reserved with his opinion. But he's welcomed Samantha into his home, has bonded with Louis, and he's made headway with both Katrina and Robert. He's grateful to Harvey for inviting him into a family. And now it's time to pay the man back. "You want to protect her. Would move mountains for her if you could. And maybe you will. Maybe you'll go to her engagement party, sit through her wedding, do everything you can to keep her happy. But how long until you can't anymore?"

Not in the mood for one of Alex's riddles, Harvey finally tears his gaze away from Donna. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that keeping the truth from someone you care about rarely does them any favors." Alex pats him on the back, nodding at the bar. He's said his piece, and he isn't stupid enough to say more. "Louis and I are having shots, you in?"

"Next time," he mumbles, handing Alex his whiskey. "Here. Don't let it go to waste."

Alex smiles to himself, moving to the bar, but his fleeting moment of joy is dampened when Harvey heads for the exit instead of their booth. But it's revived again when, out of the corner of his eye, he sees Donna brushing Thomas' arm, excusing herself from the dancefloor.

For safety, he downs Harvey's whisky and orders five shots. Because if Donna comes back alone, she's probably going to need an extra one, and some advice as well.

…

"Harvey."

Just when he thought the fresh air would be a relief, Donna's voice calls out to him, and he stops, wishing he had more restraint. But she noticed he left, and that says someone, even if it means more to him that it should. And maybe Alex was right. Because the flutter in his chest turns him around, and staring at her confused expression is a long line of moments she'll never understand unless he comes clean and admits the truth. "What you have with Thomas… I want that to be us."

She wraps her arms round her waist, looking anywhere but at him. She'd felt him watching her. Did everything she could to avoid looking his way. She's happy with Thomas, and might even be falling in love with him. But when she caught Harvey leaving, she was pulled towards him like she always is. Except she wasn't expecting him to be so forward. "You can't just —"

"I know." He stops the argument before it begins. He has no right to demolish the foundation of their friendship. Just like she shouldn't have kissed him when he was with Paula. But he's not asking her to choose. Everything he's admitting is so he can stay in her life, in whichever way she decides. "I just needed you to know. That's all."

He walks away because he has to.

Because it's the right thing to do. Maybe not for himself, but for Donna.

Because he'd dive under a bus for her, and even if she commits to a happy life with Thomas, that's never going to change.

…

For three painstaking days, Donna avoids him. And it isn't like before when they could stand in the same room and ignore each other. She's forgone meetings, had Gretchen deliver paperwork, and is conveniently on the phone every time he passes her office.

He fucked up.

And not like he's fucked up in the past—this is different. There's a long road of solitude awaiting him. One several whiskeys can't fix. But when a knock sounds at his door, his best hope is that Donna let go of enough anger to send someone around to check on him. At his lowest, he'd take even Louis' comfort, so he answers the, not sure what to do when he's faced with Donna's harsh tone.

"Thomas is a good man."

He doesn't argue. How can he? He lit a grenade and jumped on it, and she got out of the way. So, whatever she has to say, he'll listen, because he has nothing left to surrender.

"But he's not you. I ended it between us."

Her eyes soften, and each breath he takes slowly puts him back together, piece by intricate piece, until he isn't shattered glass anymore. He's titanium, ready to go to war if he has to, but she brings the victory to him, stepping over the threshold and yanking his mouth against hers.

He reacts, clutching her like she's the Holy Grail. Because to him, she is, and he's never letting her go again.