Chapter 50: Can't Catch A Break
Returning from the celebration was both relieving and disappointing. I'd hoped my restless mind would have been made more at ease by being around so much family, but like all matters, somehow the prophecy and my own mental issues made themselves a problem. Despite my claim that I didn't need my parents' approval, I still wish I could have seen them and explained all I'd done and why. I really was trying my best to redeem myself and be a good cat. I've saved lives. I've given cats purpose, so why does it feel so hollow? I've given others paradise, but I can't enjoy it myself. Sometimes I wish I was just a normal cat.
Frecklewish and Splitpelt were soon at my side again. While the rest of the Unseen stars headed back to camp and Crookedpaw returned to the living, we stayed behind to talk.
'That look on your face… You're not ok are you Mapleshade?" Asked Splitpelt.
"No." I stated firmly, but I could feel a choked sob rising up in my throat. "No, I'm really not."
"Mapleshade, what's wrong?" Asked Frecklewish lovingly.
"I just… I just wanted one day. I wanted to enjoy the celebration, see my family, and forget about the whole prophecy situation, but no. I just can't catch a break. My parents didn't even come, and they were the ones I wanted to see most. Even Oakstar came, and he hates me. It hurt to see you get your reunion while mine wasn't meant to be. On top of that was Ravenwing's damned cult. I know they needed help, but could it have been put off one day? I just wanted one day. Is that too much to ask?" I ranted. Half my words were barely understandable through my sobs.
While the party had went well for Splitpelt and Frecklewish, they hadn't realized until now how much of a disaster it had been for me. I hadn't had any time to converse with family and had to act The Mother role the whole time with Ravenwing and Oakheart. The party had been made to relieve my stress, but it had done the exact opposite.
"I… I'm sorry Mapleshade. I didn't realize. I'd been so excited to see my father and… I didn't realize how much it hurt you when I dragged you into conversation with him. I just… I didn't want my dad hating my mate, but I still shouldn't have done that to you." Frecklewish mewed apologetically.
"I should have been more attentive as well. I didn't have an excuse. I forced you to take lead like you always do when Ravenwing began his sermon. I was fixated on the goal you wanted a break from, thinking by me focusing on it, you wouldn't have to. I was so focused on the goal, I didn't even realize I was using you. For an ex leader, I seem to have a habit of just following the lead." Splitpelt stated like a warrior who was just told off.
"I… don't fault you two. I walked right into my problems when I could have walked away at any moment. I just… It's so hard to have all these cats rely on me, need me. I never feel like I'm enough. It's times like this that I miss being a warrior of Thunderclan. It was so much easier to just follow orders. I rarely needed to think, and when I did, it was simple things like where should I hunt or what move should I do next in a fight. Now I'm the one making the big decisions and having to plan ahead, and it's overwhelming. I can't catch a break."
Frecklewish seemed to ponder the problem for a moment before coming to a conclusion. "Know what. Let's have some time for just us. I know you've managed to replicate Skystar's bubble Mapleshade. Let's make the bubble so no cat can find us and have some alone time. We can stay away however long you want. It'll be our own little haven, and we can do whatever we want on this break."
"That's not a bad idea." Splitpelt replied. "We can use that white stone cat head you ran away to a while ago as the base of our haven. With some touching up, I think it'll be a good place to just get away."
"But won't the Unseen Stars have issues without us?" I asked.
"Nah. Even if they did, that's Dawnstar's duty. Our job is so big, it will rock the foundation of Starclan, so if taking a break every once and a while keeps us better fit to fulfil that job, then we'll take as many breaks as we need, and right now, you need one. I even think there was a mirror pool near there in case you decide you want Crookedpaw's company." Answered Splitpelt.
I think he was honestly excited at the idea of a couple days of just the three of us. Now that I think of it, we rarely joined together as a group unless I was having another mental breakdown or we had some kind of job to do. Maybe it was time for us to just lounge or play, whatever caught our fancy. That thought crossed my mind as I looked over Splitpelt's sleek muscular form. It wasn't on purpose, but his strength had always been captivating to me. The way is muscles shone through his pelt, rippling and strong. This cat had no fat upon him at all. I could remember his strong legs pinning me down in one of our spars. The strong scent of sweat as he lunged forward, causing me to twist, and his teeth biting down on my ear. At the time I pulled away, leaving a nick. The nick now faintly stung as if remembering the fight itself. The pain had been pleasurable , knowing that he was strong enough to remain beside me didn't regard me as weak. Not to mention, violence seems to be my turn on.
My eyes drifted to Frecklewish who was the definition of a pretty cat. She wasn't weak, but her fur was long enough to cover up any old scratches and scars. Her golden speckled fur only seemed to accent the curves of her form. On top of that was her usually very personable way of keeping herself while also maintaining an attitude of take no flack, a very strong and beautiful cat.
Maybe some time away would be good for me, and maybe it was time to take Splitpelt on his offer from so long ago. I'd obviously extend it to Frecklewish as well. I faintly hoped it wouldn't be too hard to do the soul manipulation I planned. Maybe I'd see Sunflower briefly about it before we left.