Darkest Hero
As per the usual we shall start with a Q and A segment
Q: when will we see more Helltaker stuff?
A: not long.
Q: can we please just kill bakugo already?
A: patience. Not long to go before the flaming dog shit gets what is coming to him.
Q: So, can we get a answer as to what the purple hat incident is?
A: its an older joke sir but it checks out... seriously though the joke is one where a string of censor beeps happen in quick succession as someone rants about how they will get back at someone and usually a few mundane things are thrown in for comedic value. E.G: (redacted) (redacted) (redacted) kitchen sink! (Redacted) (redacted) DOG'S HAIRY (Redacted) PURPLE HAT! Midoriya and mostly Bakugo went through it.
Chapter 39: I hate sand.
The gathered students could only gawk at the tall thin being who looked no different than your average lawyer for some reason as they arrived on a long canal boat which cut through the sand with ease.
"Leviathan." The man nodded respectfully.
"Charon the ferryman, I will pay you twice the price for quick transport, agreed?" Inko asked.
"Agreed." The god nodded tiredly. "I am in need of a new suit given the last time I got one was when that son of barnacle beard was still alive and that was in the 2050s."
"Alright, 92 drachmas." Inko hummed as she held her hand above her head leading to a few confused looks before inverted light from her true form washed over them and she was suddenly holding a bag of coins.
"Still trying to blow through your winnings from that whole debacle during the Napoleonic war?" Charon hummed as he accepted the bag.
"Not my fault Zeus is a gambler." Inko smirked in self satisfaction as Charon started gesturing for everyone to climb onboard.
While most were hesitant in doing so those who were from hell or in Tokoyami's case had been there already, were the first onboard. Eri merely grinned.
"Onwards Mr squishy!" The young girl called excitedly from atop the now named Nomu's shoulders. With no outward response the nomu simply climbed onto the boat and sat down on a seat closer to the back.
"Well, not the weirdest name." Toru remarked making many jump having forgotten she was there. The girl had wrapped herself in a tarp from somewhere and given the dust clutching to her form it made pieces of her visible such as her legs, forearms and half her face.
"Where have you been?" Mei asked in confusion. "Also, nice tits my friend."
"Thats just a matter or penis. Opinion! I meant opinion!" Sero quickly corrected, wincing at the glare shot his way by Inko.
"Honestly, most of it was looking for something to wear also, Adventure!" Toru called as she jumped onto the ship and perched herself towards the bow of the ship.
"Come on, Charon is probably the best being around for navigating the ash wastes outside that idiot who keeps getting eaten by giant sand worms, beatle something." Angelique scoffed dismissively as she sat besides the Nomu and Eri. "Do you want your hair braided?"
"Yes please." Eri grinned.
"Noose or barb wire?" The older cenobite asked as the others finally filed onto the boat, all very wary of the cenobites, Mina and Charlie who had opted to sit in the back. Well mostly, Momo was carried on and sat between Jirou and shoto because she was still out cold while Mei and Shinso were keeping aizawa and thirteen secure.
"Noose please, a nice girl who visited had hair like that, she was fun!" Eri giggled. "She even asked if I wanted a knife to stab someone called pugsley with but then mummy called me for dinner."
"A growing girl does need food." Angelique nodded as she got to work.
"So, hell is real and we are all just OK with that?" Ochako gulped nervously as Inko finally stepped onboard and with a lurch the long boat started to speed through the sand towards the distant city.
"To be fair most people end up down here." Mina shrugged apologetically. "Any selfish action, any aggression, heck even stealing someone's cookie as a baby will earn you a trip down here."
"Hey, its not all bad." Izuku tried to assure the shocked girl. "Charlie runs a redemption and rehabilitation center."
"As if." Bakugo scoffed. "Dumb shit probably offend herself to end up down here like you did."
"Take that back." Izuku growled, his head once more igniting into flames.
"If it wasn't for the fact I know your father is a mortal I would think you're hosting that angel Lucy boy has chained up." Inko sighed softly as Kendo retched over the side of the boat.
"Make me deku!" Bakugo snarled as explosions popped in his hands.
"Hey calm down man!" Mina tried to placate the blonde bomber.
"SHUT IT YOU SHITTY SUCCUBUS!" Bakugo snapped.
"SPECIEST PRICK!" Mina hissed in anger as her eyes narrowed.
"Wait, so she's a succubus? Aren't they supposed to be hot?" Todoroki asked in confusion. "Like I could get if it was Midoriya or Sato they're hot."
"Kero." Tsu croaked sadly, realising what team Shoto batted for.
Eri blinked in confusion. "But isn't Izuku the only other person who makes fire?"
"Adult talk sweety." Inko sweatdropped. Despite how she had been teaching Eri she hadn't taught the girl anything about the birds and the bees only that some people like getting hurt or hurting others and other people didn't like it or liked hugs instead.
"So, uh few things before we get to Pentagram." Charlie gave a nervous smile. "Dont give out your real name, people can use it to bind you to contracts here, don't drink from public fountains they are filthy beyond belief. If you see a blonde woman in a red dress go the other way, if you see an angler fish in steam punk clothes, he does not need encouraging." She finished with a deadpan.
"Also don't wonder off please, the city is a nightmare to navigate." Izuku sweatdropped. "Tokoyami and Kira will tell you."
"IT WAS ONE TIME!" Tokoyami squawked in embarrassment.
"How were we supposed to know the icecream place was in the other direction?!" Kira demanded indignantly.
"You somehow ended up at the porn museum for crying out loud!" Mina pointed out while laughing, having heard of the twins misadventures from Kira herself.
"Oh and don't eat anything labled spicy." Izuku shuddered. "I couldn't extinguish myself for three days."
"We still owe Nifty a bonus for the new toilets." Charlie shuddered, having seen the aftermath of the taco incident, tldr a week before tokoyami and kira ended up in hell Husk had gotten a coupon for a taco place and Alister had deliberately added hell grade spicy sauce to Izuku's taco when he was talking to Vaggie. The end result was six burnt rugs, two destroyed windows, a ruined toilet and a hole burnt into the floor that went down three floors of the hotel, ending in the basement.
"Sandworm." Charon sighed in deadpan as a massive black and white striped snake like creature shout out of the sand to their left, a screaming pale faced man with a pinstripe suit and frizzy green hair was hanging on for dear un-life.
"HOW DO YOU STOP THIS THING?!" The man screamed fearfully before the creature plunged back under the sand. The man's neck stretching comedically as their eyes shot forth and eventually their skeleton was temporarily outside their body before it was all sucked back in as the worm hit the sand.
"Urk." Kendo gagged before vomiting over the side once more, nobody blamed her.
"Need a bag or something?" Toru asked, her only reply was a shake of the head as the invisible girl tried to help the girl by keeping the hair out of her face and rubbing her back.
"Wait a second." Charlie huffed as she glared out at the sand. "That's the guy who egged us right before izu-kun arrived!"
"Whats next, Satan himself visits?" Jirou asked semi sarcastically. "Because that just seems the way things are going right now."
"Unless its important or to threaten my boy and girlfriends he doesn't really show up, too busy." Charlie explained.
"So, just who exactly is your boyfriend? Alister refused to say anything unless I could procure a vintage 1926 radio in mint condition, sadly I only had a 1927 radio in mint condition and it was a no go." Inko sighed with a roll of her eyes.
"Where did you even get one?" Jirou asked in shock, her mouth agape. "My parents have been trying for years to track down a 1920s radio."
"Some guy swapped it for having a cactus shoved up his ass." Inko shrugged looking confused. "Dont get why he asked Butterball to do it instead of doing it himself though."
"Stupid is as stupid does." Soji hummed.
"It is what it is." Angelique hummed.
"Stop quoting memes from the 2020s." Inko deadpanned. "I get you were on earth during that time but please dear don't over do it, now miss Magne, would you answer the question?"
"Uh well..." Charlie gulped nervously, she already saw how her father reacted both times to Vaggie and Izuku and honestly was mentally screaming with how nervous she was.
Izuku simply reached over and held her hand reassuringly. "Uh mum, Charlie is my girlfriend."
"I see." Inko sighed as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Dont get me wrong, I am happy my baby boy found love but it means I have start organising a new treaty on top of the four decades of paperwork backlog."
"Yay! New sister!" Eri called in excitement as she threw her hands in the air. At this moment Shoto's brow furrowed in confusion as his gaze shifted between Jirou and those in the back of the boat.
"B-but my Izu-sama." Toga whimpered as she fingered the blades protruding from her forearms, looking on the verge of a psychotic episode.
"calm down Toga, we will discuss it later." inko tried to placate the blonde.
"Wait, how many in your group are supernatural anyway?" Shinso asked in confusion.
"Well all of them." Charlie gave a nervous chuckle as Jirou finally noticed the looks she was getting from Shoto.
"What?" The goddess asked with a raised eyebrow.
"You're a god right ? Aren't you, uh mad at this?" Shoto asked while shooting a not so subtle glare at Midoriya. "He already has one bound to him with a marraige contract, how many more until he is satisfied?!"
"Yo chill. They're happy together, not my business to butt in." Jirou replied as ochako hugged her from the side, snuggling upto the punk rock girl leaving them both blushing.
"HUZAR!" Mei called as she held aloft a hodge podge of machine parts above her head like it was Simba.
"Uh, what is it?" Reiko asked softly.
"Baby number 37191! The Wake Up machine." Mei grinned before jabbing it into the foam covering the hole in Thirteen's suit. A loud crack reverberated through the air as the teacher let out a scream of pain, instinctivly slapping the machine out into the sand which passed them by. "MY BABY!"
"HATSUME?! What's going on?!" Thirteen panted in panic.
"Well welcome to hell." Mei replied as she glumly looked out at the sand rushing past them, horrified that her baby didn't even last a day before it was gone.
"We're crashing the night at my place since I doubt dad would approve you in his place. He still doesn't approve Vaggie and we've been dating since we first hit our teens." Charlie explained. "That and we have no way home until tomorrow at the earliest and the Happy Hotel is the only place with enough rooms."
"You live in a hotel? It's not red light is it?" Thirteen asked, her suit hiding her expression but everyone could tell the hero had official reached Aizawa levels of no shits given.
"Ew no." Charlie shuddered. "I own the place, its a rehab center for sinners who want to repent for their sins."
"... if we get out of this I'll see if hound dog has some notes for you." Thirteen sighed in resignation. "I don't owe you my soul do I?"
"Okay common misconception out of the way right now then." Izuku interjected. "Souls is the currency here, they work like american dollars, if you are talking about what each person has in them that isn't the same thing. One Soul is what, ¥209 at the moment?"
"More like ¥232, value of the yen dropped slightly this morning." Charlie explained.
"Quit your yapping." Charon huffed tiredly. "We're pulling up on the city edge soon."
"Uh but its so far away?" Sero asked in confusion.
"Yes but, we're just about to speed up." Inko replied as the boat reached the crest of a sand dune before with a feeling of cold water running down their backs and a slight pop in their ears they found themselves at the very edge of the desert, right on the city boarder.
"God that is fast." Tsu croaked in shock.
"Damn straight I'm a god." Charon chuckled dryly to himself as his passengers quickly disembarked the boat onto the small park with dull green grass and a old metal slide next to a sand pit.
Not too far away fanged Street lamps lit the streets and empty parking spaces on their side of the street, on the other several cars including a white van were parked. On their side smashed beer bottles and used needles littered the parking spaces and several trash cans lined the area. A free standing phone was situated near one lamp, a metal umbrella sat above it and a cut bike chain looped them together.
Charlie sighed as she fished a card out of her pocket and walked to the free standing phone where she tapped it against a runic circle. She quickly dialed a number as she waited for the ringing to end and the person she was calling to pick up. "Hello? Angel dust, can you bring around the bus to, I think this is South Uncle Fucker Park, we need room for around 30 people... NO! Not in the trunk! I haven't killed people you... you did WHAT?! ... HE DID WHAT TO A LITTLE GIRL?! Get here quickly, we can hand him to IMP when their victum is done with them."
"Uh, Magne san are you okay?" Reiko asked cautiously.
"I-I'm good. A association of ours tracked down a child abuser and is planning on letting the kid have her revenge on them." Charlie explained. "Until they get here we just have to wait."
"Uh for how long?" Ochako asked somewhat nervously.
"If they follow road rules? Half an hour, if they drive like they normally do? Six minutes." Charlie admitted.
"Can we have Thirteen Sensei drive?" Izuku gulped nervously. "I don't trust Angel Dust's driving."
"Me either, there is a reason they always hired a driver." Charlie shuddered.
"Hey, you're famous here?" Sato asked as he pointed at a billboard on the side of a building across the street with a picture of Charlie labled "Happy Hotel: Now open for redemption!" Of corse someone had defaced it to read "Hazbin Hotel: now open for Rod." While also painting a mustache and a missing tooth on Charlie's photo on the billboard. There was a few swastikas but those were mostly painted over with black paint, not even in hell were they liked.
"Kinda." Charlie nervously laughed.
"Wow!" Eri called gaining everyone's attention. The small girl was looking up at Izuku with a look of adoration while his head continued to stay aflame.
"Yous bashtrd comnin back fo a foyt." A zombie man slurred before taking a swig of a bottle which he tossed aside onto the ground where it shattered.
"Oh no." Inko sighed in resignation as she pinched the bridge of her nose.
"ew stinky hobo zombie." toga gagged in disgust.
"Mah woyf yoos, yoos come backs ta me." The man slurred.
"Is he my daddy?" Eri asked somewhat nervously as she hid behind Izuku, the Nomu tensed its muscles, ready to protect Eri if need be.
"No sweety, he is a mean old drunk man who needs to be chained up and poked with hot iron all day." Inko replied as Eri nodded seriously.
"Look Midoriya go home, you're clearly drunk." Charlie tried to reason only to yelp and jump back as a bottle was tossed at her from the now open door of the white van.
"Not again." Izuku growled, remember the last encounter he had with his father and his friends.
End.
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