Three days in and Brittany was having the time of her life. This is exactly the kind of thing she'd imagined when she and Sev had talked about going to LA instead of high school, and if she was being honest with herself, it made her question what she was doing now. She didn't do as many music videos anymore, because after a while the novelty of working with artists wore off, and the grueling schedules began to overshadow the dancing. She would spend two, maybe three hours dancing for the actual video, the rest of the day was posing for pictures, or hair and make-up, or sitting around while they set up the stages and background and so on. The worst was when they had to shoot on location, because then they had to wait for the sun to reach the right position, or for a cloud to pass, or for the wind to die down. So Brittany had stopped taking music videos, now she choreographed for them instead.
She'd also stopped touring, because she hated being away from home for so long. The fact that it had been one day and she already missed Santana so much was proof that she couldn't stand being gone for weeks or months. Then there was the hours. Waking up early to travel, long days and late nights, just to sleep in a hotel room she had to share with the other dancers. Not that she didn't like the dancers she worked with, on the contrary she was good friends with all of them, but the only person she wanted to share a room with was Santana.
So really, all that left Brittany to do was choreography and teaching. She loved to choreograph, but teaching at the studio wasn't exactly what she'd call fun. Kaleb was there, and he made it a good time. They often taught classes together, and he was her dance partner, so they choreographed almost all their dances together. So it wasn't like Brittany didn't have a good time at work.
But being here, watching these kids and their pure love of dance. Watching them show up everyday like there was nothing in the world they would rather be doing, it made Brittany realise that she didn't get that from her job. The dance convention gave her that joy, because she was making a real difference in people's lives, spreading the joy of dance and giving them an opportunity to do what they love. She got to let lose, have fun, and though she was tired, and there was some travel involved that for the past few years meant she had to be away from her family, she loved what she was doing.
This, gave Brittany joy. Being here with these kids. Helping them be the best they could be. Giving them the guidance and instruction that she never got in small time Lima Ohio. The encouragement and the support that she only ever really felt from Santana. Much like the convention, it felt like she was making a difference. That dance was making a difference. She was glad she'd agreed to come, if only for the reminder that she could be doing so much more.
After an intense morning of teaching the kids how to remain precise even as they had fun with the dance, they decided to take an hour for lunch. Brittany wasn't the least bit surprised when Jesus left with the other kids, with nothing but a glance in her direction to make sure he was allowed to go.
"Homesick yet?" Kaleb asked as he unwrapped a subway sandwich.
"I was homesick the second we landed." Brittany laughed. "Going about the night time routine with someone unfamiliar with it isn't so fun."
"Is Mercedes not a good replacement for Santana?"
"She's alright" Brittany shrugged. "But has Nathan you know? And he still sleeps with her. So he doesn't go to sleep unless she lies in bed with him. So I've basically been on my own…. Which is fine, I just, it's nice to tag team. And the baby in the house has everyone, especially Niki, refusing to go to bed."
"Yikes. Would you like to hear about my nights?"
Brittany nodded, her mouth full of the giant bite she'd just taken of her own sandwich.
"I get to the room and spend a few minutes lounging on the bed wondering if I should shower or order room service first. I browse the channels until I decide to shower so that I can just eat in bed and not have to worry about getting up again. Order way too much food, which I never finish, and then I put a movie on my laptop and fall asleep watching it."
Brittany groaned.
"I won't lie. I'm jealous."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Mh" Brittany took another large bite.
"Why'd you bring them? I mean we don't have a lot of down time so you're basically going home just to have dinner with them and then it's bedtime."
"I didn't want to leave Santana with all of them. She'd have to leave the studio early for the entire week and she's trying to write her new album."
"It's just a week."
"Yeah, but she's just at the beginning. She's excited about being back in the studio and she has so many ideas." Brittany looked down at her sandwich. "She gave it up for me. She doesn't say it like that but she did."
"I thought she gave it up cause she was burned out."
"She was burned out because she was burning the candle at both ends. She was super busy at work and then she gets home and is super busy again. We were both stressed out all the time and our kids…Sophia needed a lot more attention than we weer giving her, and Mateo, well he still needs a lot of attention, but back then because of his…" She hesitated. "Because he was sick, we just knew we weren't on top of it like we should have been ….something had to give. It didn't have to be Santana's career, but she chose to let it go so I could keep building mine. I had the idea for the convention and…well she understands that as a dancer I only have a few prime years in me before my body starts to feel the strain."
Kaleb nodded.
"She gave it up for you."
"Yeah" Brittany took a deep breath. "So now it's my turn."
"You want to give up dancing?"
Brittany licked her lips.
"I don't…no. I don't want to give it up, but I want to pull back. I want to give Santana the chance to make this album as awesome as she can. That means taking point with the kids so she can focus. She's killing herself right now trying to make her going back to work as easy for Mateo as possible. Waking up early to spend time with him, taking him to his taekwondo even though we have Jessie to do that, and then she's spending time with all of them when she comes back in the evening."
"Damn"
"Yeah. I want her to feel like they're okay, and she only feels that way when they're being absolutely smothered."
"Of course" Kaleb laughed.
"So to do that, I need to be doing less at work."
"Makes sense, but you guys have to know that no kids are loved more than yours. Seriously."
Brittany chuckled.
"It's all by design"
"Alright" Brittany called loudly over the excitement of the kids around her. "Would you say you guys have got it?"
"Definitely!" One of the older boys yelled, spurring the rest of the kids to start cheering.
"Let's get it then." Brittany clapped.
"Let's do groups. Three or more" Kaleb said.
Brittany and Kaleb watched each group take the stage and perform the choreography they had just taught them. Even though they were doing the same moves, Brittany found it interesting how she felt different things with each performance. There were two that stood out to her more than others.
As the next group got ready, she pulled Kaleb to the back of the room.
"Okay so, I'm having an idea."
"For a dance?"
"No" Brittany looked back at the group of dancers, looking for the two that had caught her eye. "For a pairing."
"Who?"
"Kaycee and Ryan."
From Kaleb's frown Brittany could see he was struggling to picture them together.
"Trust me" she said. "Let's get them to do the dance again together. You'll see it."
"Sure" Kaleb shrugged.
So they walked back to the dancers.
"Sorry guys, do you mind going next? Brittany and I have something we'd like to try."
The three girls who had been about to start their performance moved to the side, leaving only Brittany and Kaleb in the centre of the circle the dancers had formed around the space the performers were using.
"Most of you guys have been dancing for a long time, so you know what it means to find your partner." Kaleb paused to see a few nods before continuing. "The truth is, a lot of dancers go through their entire careers without finding their partners."
"Not to say that you need one to be a great dancer."
"No, no. Just that there's a special connection that gets formed when you do find your perfect partner. It's like you're elevated to a different plane of dancing."
"Chemistry" Brittany said as she slowly walked round the circle. "That's what it is. You can't manufacture it and you can't fake it. You either have it with your partner or you don't."
One of the dancers sitting cross legged on the floor raised his hand.
"Have you found yours?"
Brittany and Kaleb smiled at each other.
"I met Brittany roughly six years ago. She came on to a project I was consulting for, and we just clicked. One night she asked me to help her rehearse a move and we ended up dancing for….what was it like-"
"Four hours." Brittany said. "We completely just lost track of time. It didn't even take a week before we both realised that we were dancing better when together."
"We played off each other well. We had the chemistry, the same artistic style, we liked the same music, and everything just fell into place."
"Short answer, yes" Brittany laughed along with the kids. "Part of what we're doing here, is helping you guys get ahead faster than we did. You all know that it isn't easy to catch a break in the dance world. There are just so many dancers. So we're here to make it just that much smoother for you."
"Part of what makes it easier, is already coming as a duo or group. Brittany and I know from experience that when faced with the decision to choose between holding single auditions and couple, we'd choose duo any day. Trying to pair up two dancers who don't know each other with varying skill levels and styles can sometimes be a nightmare."
Brittany nodded.
"Your chances at being selected improve significantly if you are in a group or part of a duo."
"So, we're going to try help you guys find your partners. Don't hate us if we switch you from your best friend or girlfriend, we're just trying to find the best possible pair ups okay?"
When the kids all shouted their agreement, Brittany surveyed the crowd for the two kids.
"I would like to try Ryan and Kaycee"
An Asian boy with short black hair and a tiny brunette girl stood up and walked to the centre of the circle. They smiled at each other but it was clear they didn't know each other well. The boy was about a foot taller than her, but they both looked roughly the same age as Jesus.
"How old are you Kaycee?"
"Nine" she said, smiling nervously and shuffling her feet.
"And you Ryan?"
"Eleven"
"Do you guys know each other?" Kaleb asked.
"No" Kaycee shook her head.
"Yes." Ryan laughed. "Well we know each other cause like, we see each other every day here in the studio."
"But we're not like friends or anything." Kaycee said.
"Yeah."
"Well" Brittany said. "You both know the dance, so just go for it."
From the moment the music started Brittany knew she'd been right to put them together. Kaycee was still a bit nervous, but she and Ryan played off each other well. He was good at improvising moves, making the dance his own, and a lot of what he did, which he hadn't been doing with his previous partner was designed to make Kaycee laugh. This made the dance seem more fun as she giggled and he goofed off, all the while the both of them hitting each step perfectly. Their chemistry was undeniable, and when they finished, everyone cheered loudly.
"That was fantastic" Kaleb whispered to Brittany. "It was a stage worthy performance and they've never rehearsed together."
"I knew they'd be good together." Brittany beamed. "So guys, how did that feel?" she asked them. Ryan was hugging Kaycee, trapping her arms to her body as she giggled madly.
"Good" they both said, and Brittany could hear the joy in their voices.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah" they grinned at each other then at Brittany.
"Yeah?" She asked again, louder.
"YEAH" they shouted.
"That's what I like to hear. That was brilliant. I hope you guys will work more with each other."
They did. For the rest of the week they stuck to each other for all performances. Brittany noticed them sitting together when they were being instructed and standing next to each other as they learned the dance moves. She smiled every time she'd look up in the mirror mid-step to see them giggling with each other. What made her even happier was to see that Jesus seemed to be with them all the time as well.
On the last day, she and Kaleb taught them the most complicated dance they had choreographed. It required a lot of pair work, something Brittany knew they weren't taught often at the studio, and the strain showed. All the dancers struggled for most of the morning to work off each other, almost like they were learning ballroom dancing, but before they took a lunch break most of them had gotten it.
At three, everyone was confident enough in the dance to perform it. Although Brittany told everyone that they did a great job, Ryan and Kaycee just exuded something else. They were not without fault, but it was so hard to focus on those faults when their performance was just so fun to watch.
Once all the performances were done, they decided to just have a free dance session, playing random music and picking people to freestyle.
After Brittany had gone first, at the insistence of everyone there, she sat next to Kaleb and watched the kids with a smile.
"I want to mentor them."
Kaleb stretched his legs out in front of him, resting back on his hands.
"I knew you were going to say something like that."
Brittany smiled. "Of course you did. You know me so well." She laughed.
"You had thing look in your eye when you first paired them. Brittany you know I love you and I think that all the crazy ideas that you have are usually pretty spot on but…" Kaleb run his hand through his hair. "I mean how is this going to work?"
Brittany watched the dancers before her. She could see the love they had for dance and the way it brought them all together. It connected them. She saw Jesus with Ryan and Kaycee somewhere at the back of the room, laughing so hard they all looked pink as Jesus spun Kaycee round on the floor by her hands and Ryan tried to jump over her as she came round like a rope. Brittany had never seen Jesus spend all of his time with the same people for an entire week before. Usually he liked to mix it up, so much so that he didn't even have a best friend at school. Yet since pairing them up, he hadn't left Ryan and Kaycee's side. All three of them had become inseparable and that was because of dance. It was inspiring. Brittany felt inspired. And instantly she knew that this was what she was meant to be doing.
"I don't know" she admitted. "But if they stay here you know they're going to lose this." She pointed at the dance circle the kids had formed, knowing she didn't need to elaborate.
The pure excitement the kids currently felt, the joy they got from simply being able to do what they love, would fade. Soon they would start feeling the pressure to succeed. They would be faced with the stress and anxiety that came with not being able to get a job while the bills mounted and everyone around them told them to give up. Brittany had felt it, and she knew Kaleb had too, even more than her.
"If I can save them from what we had to go through….I have to try."
Kaleb sighed, prompting Brittany to look at him. She could see that he wasn't sure about her idea, but that he understood where she was coming from.
"Good luck then."
Brittany knew he meant it. She had no idea how she was going to mentor kids who lived in LA, when she worked and lived in San Jose. It wasn't exactly a distance she or they could commute everyday. Then there was the question of what mentoring them even meant? She wasn't a better instructor than the ones they had here, so what was she offering them? Would they shadow her at work? To music video and movie sets? Watch her choreography process? She wasn't sure. And on top of all that, when would Brittany even find the time. She'd just told Kaleb she wanted to work less. Did that mean she had to quiet her job? She wasn't sure what that would mean for their financial situation. They had savings, and Santana had just gone back to work which meant a lot of money, but that was only after her tour, which wasn't for months and in the meantime they had a lot of bills. The kids' school wasn't cheap, and they weer paying that times four, then there was Kyler's football training and swimming training, Jesus' guitar and drums, Mateo's Taekwondo….Brittany didn't want to quit her job just for her and Santana to start worrying about finances. Should she hand the convention over to someone else? Kaleb could do it, she was sure, but the convention was like her baby. She had worked so hard to get it up and running, spent three years perfecting it, getting the perfect facilitators and ironing out the scholarships. She didn't want to hand it off to anyone.
So what was she going to do?
After her class on Friday, Brittany decided to take the kids to the beach. They'd spent the whole trip either in the house or with Mercedes at her house, only spending a few hours out in the city and she felt kind of bad for them. So she packed everyone up, including Mercedes and Nathan and drove to the beach.
Much to her surprise, even Sophia who usually preferred not to participate in activities she thought were childish, completely gave in to the allure of the beach. They started by swimming in the ocean, which for Sophia and Jesus meant allowing themselves to be pushed by the waves, crashing onto the shore over and over again. Mateo wanted to go deeper into the ocean, so Brittany had him on her back as she swam. His shrieks and giggles every time a wave crashed over their heads had Brittany laughing so hard she was struggling to swim. Mercedes was holding baby Nathan's hands, standing so far back that the waves only crashed at his feet, but he squealed and laughed just as loud as Mateo.
After over an hour in the water they all moved to the beach, where Sophia and Jesus helped Mateo make a huge sandcastle, and Brittany allowed Nathan to cover her in sand. Once Mateo's castle was as high as his stomach, the kids then set about collecting shells to cover it with, which somehow turned into tag, leading the kids right back into the ocean.
They were at the beach for so long that Nathan fell asleep and woke up before any of them felt ready to leave. Brittany left Mercedes with the kids and went to get them some food. As she walked around trying to decide if Sophia was in a good enough mood to eat a taco, she felt her phone vibrating in her pocket.
One glance at the caller ID had her fighting an eye roll. Still, she plasted on a smile and answered.
"Hi Maribel."
"Brittany, como estas?"
"I'm great thanks, how are you?"
"Can't complain at all, which at my age is a blessing."
"You're not old Maribel what are you talking about?"
Maribel chuckled. Brittany stopped walking, looking around at the restaurants and trying to decide what to get.
"How are the kids doing?"
"Oh they're just fine. Enjoying the beach today."
"Yes the pictures are lovely! Please keep sending."
"Will do."
"Who is that cutie I see with them? Do I have another grandchild?"
"No." Brittany laughed, resuming her walk. "That's Nathan, you remember Mercedes?"
"Yes, yes, she was….a high school friend of yours and Santana's."
"Yes, well that's her son."
"Oh lovely."
"Yeah" Brittany replied, wishing Maribel would get to the point. She knew very well why she was calling, Santana had already told her she'd had a tense conversation with her mother, so Brittany had been anticipating the call. It had actually taken longer to come than Brittany had expected.
"Well…your mother and I were talking."
"Oh?" She stopped walking again, focusing on the conversation.
"Yes, and we realised that it's almost Sophia's birthday."
"Yeah, in about a month."
"Yes. And ten…wow she's gotten to big."
Brittany closed her eyes, fighting a sigh. "She really has."
"Well…it would be nice, given it's a landmark birthday…for her to have her whole family there."
"Yes it would."
"Yes and well as you know…She has many cousins and aunts"
"Maribel." Brittany finally sighed.
"I'm merely suggesting that it would be easier for Sophia to have her family there to celebrate her if she had her birthday in Lima."
"And what did Santana say to your suggestion?"
Maribel was quiet. Brittany took the opportunity to look around. She spotted a few food trucks lined up in the distance, so she made her way over.
"Ah." Maribel finally said. "So she told you we spoke."
"Of course."
"She is afraid we will try to convince her to go see her grandmother-"
"Won't you?"
"No."
"Look Maribel I have already told you that I don't like being put in the middle of you and Santana. She doesn't do it, so I don't understand why you do."
"Because she listens to you."
Brittany clenched her jaw.
"You and anyone else who wants to be at Sophia's birthday can fly out here."
"Alright." Maribel said, sounding defeated. "Alright. Well…you will be coming for thanksgiving won't you?"
"Maribel!"
"Bien, bien." Maribel said quickly. "I know. Last year was thanksgiving so this year it's Christmas." Then under her breath she muttered, "I don't understand why you act like coming home is such a burden."
"Yes you do." Brittany said curtly, now feeling angry. "You know very well why."
There was a tense silence. Brittany considered simply hanging up, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Instead, she tok a deep breath and resumed her hunt for food.
She heard Maribel sigh.
"Has she called again?"
"She calls every year."
"Did Santana pick up?"
"Does she ever?"
Another sigh.
"Well…Alright. I'll let you get back to your beach day. Give my nietos a kiss for me."
"Okay. Bye."
As soon as she'd hung up, Brittany called Santana.
She answered after four rings.
"Hi Beebee."
Brittany smiled. She would never get tired of how Santana said her name. She could always hear how much Santana loved her, even when she was tired, as Santana clearly was.
"Hi baby."
"I miss you guys."
Brittany's bottom lip jutted out before she could stop it.
"I know. We miss you too."
"You look like you're having a nice time at the beach though."
"Yeah I left them to get something to eat since it seems they're nowhere near ready to leave. They clearly had a lot of energy to burn."
Santana laughed.
"What did you expect really? It's the beach."
"True. How's it going in the studio?"
"I did some calculations, and if I continue at the pace I am currently going at, I'll be done in time. If I slow down for any reason I may have some issues."
"You know that's not what I meant Santana."
Brittany decided to go with tacos when she walked past a taco truck she remembered from the last time she was in LA with Santana. It was only once she'd gotten in line that she realised Santana hadn't responded.
"Babe?"
"I know"
Santana sounded so tired it made Brittany's heart ache. She was glad tomorrow was their last day, because the past week of not knowing what was going on with Santana was starting to wear on her.
"Can we talk about it when you get back?"
"But if-"
"Please?"
Sighing, Brittany nodded her head.
"Okay"
"Thank you." She heard Santana shift around. "So, tell me all about your day."
Brittany talked to Santana until she was up next in line, when she had to hang up to order. There was an unsettled feeling in her stomach even as she walked back to the beach with her hands piled with food. She didn't like the way Santana had been putting off talking about whatever was draining her so heavily every single day, and she couldn't help feeling like it was because Santana didn't want to talk to her about it.
Mercedes was scheduled to fly back with Nathan and Jesus early Saturday morning. Santana would have gone to pick them, but she couldn't risk getting stuck in traffic. Kyler was anxious enough as it was. This was his third game and yet he seemed more scared than before his first one. Santana made sure they got to the field with nearly an hour to spare, just to take away that one element of anxiety for him. A few kids and their parents were there, sitting scattered around the stands. As they walked to the section they always sat in with Regina and Bear, Santana squeezed Kyler hand, which was in hers. He looked up at her.
"Do you still have that feeling in your tummy like you want to throw up?"
Kyler nodded.
Santana spotted Regina unpacking the massive bag they always carried to games that was full of snacks, drinks and entertainment for the kids. She slowed to a stop and turned Kyler to look at her.
"What are you worried about?"
"There's just…a lot of people. And if I mess up they'll all see, and then the commentators will announce it for everyone who didn't see."
Santana nodded. It was a valid fear. The commentators had proven to be ruthless over the last two games. Whenever a player messed up, they would talk about it for several minutes, going on about what a blunder it was, how that would cost the team or what that said about their playing potential. They sometimes even brought up mistakes made in other games, comparing them or suggesting that the player was clearly prone to such fumbles.
It irritated Santana to no end.
"Yeah, you're right about that. But that's what happens in the NFL too right?"
Kyler nodded. "Yeah but I'm just a kid."
"You are just a kid, but you are the best of the best kids in youth football. You work hard amor, you practice hard and you listen to your coach. Mistakes happen sometimes and yeah, it sucks, but you know what makes you either a good player or a great player?"
"Not making mistakes?"
Santana chuckled.
"No. It's what you do after making a mistake. If you don't pick yourself up and make it up then all everyone is ever going to remember about you is that you made a mistake. If you drop the ball, but then on the next play you steal it and make a run into the end zone, what do you think people are going to be talking about?"
"My run."
"Exactly." She gently nudged his check with her knuckle. "You're a good player, and as long as you play your best, that's all people are going to be talking about. If they only want to talk about the mistakes you made then those are haters, and all you need to know about them is that they're jealous they can't be as good as you so they want to try convince other people you're not that great."
Kyler took a deep breath, looking out into the field.
"I wish I could play without the commentators talking about me all the time."
"Yeah" Santana sighed. "But that's part of what it means to be the best. Just like me, just like mama, we have cameras and paparazzi following us everywhere, everyone's always looking at you, talking about you. You just have to block them out. Focus on the people on the field with you and no one else."
"That's not that easy." He looked back up at her, the apprehension in his eyes nearly convincing her to drive him back home.
"Hey, did you bring your football?"
"Yeah?" Kyler frowned. "Why?"
"I wanna get in some last minute warm up before the rest of your team gets here."
So they walked out onto the field, leaving their things on the chairs beside where they'd stopped to talk. Once in the centre of the field, Kyler handed Santana the ball and took off a few yards. She threw while he was still running.
Puck arrived shortly after they'd started the warm up and joined them on the field. Now Kyler had to dodge Puck, who was attempting to tackle him, and still catch the ball when Santana threw it. Watching him actually outrun Puck had Santana realising for the first time just how fast Kyler was. She'd seen him at practice many times, and of course during the games themselves, but that was always against other kids. It was easy to see he was faster than other ten year olds, but to see it actually put in context was mind blowing. It had her a lot more excited than a simple game of catch really should have.
"Run amor run!"
"Mami throw the ball!" Kyler screamed, just managing to dodge Puck's outstretched hand. His fingers clamped onto his shirt but Kyler was able to pull away.
"Oh right." Santana wasn't good at football. Even after years of watching it and listening to coaches train Kyler, she was still no good. Puck had chased Kyler pretty far down the field, and so far she hadn't been able to throw more than fifteen maybe twenty yards. Still, she drew her arm back and prepared to throw.
The ball was sntached right out of her hands as a body collided with hers, sending her to the floor.
"Catch Uncle Noah!"
"Jesus!" Santana sat up quickly. He looked down at her, grinning.
"Hi mami."
"You little cheeky gremlin!"
Santana grabbed his hand, pulling him down into a hug.
"I missed you papi."
"I missed you too." She felt his arms wrap around her waist. "You would have loved it. And we went to the beach yesterday-"
Santana felt the wind knocked out of her and then a sharp pain just under her eye as Jesus was tackled roughly off her, he and Kyler landing heavily next to her. She stood up, cupping her cheek bone and watched the two boys' reunion. She would find it a lot cuter if she wasn't feeling the beginnings of a headache from whatever connected with her cheek.
"You okay?" Mercedes asked. She was standing feet from Santana with a grimace that told her she'd seen exactly what had happened.
"I'm not sure" Santana chuckled. "Maybe."
"It was his shoulder."
"Ah" Santana rubbed her cheek. "Explains why I feel like I was hit by a stone."
She walked to Mercedes, gave her a quick hug and then took Nathan from her. He was sucking a lollipop happily.
"Hi Nathan" Santana kissed his plump cheeks.
"Hi" He said round the lollipop.
"Were you in an aeroplane today?"
"No."
"No?" Santana and Mercedes laughed. "You didn't go in an aeroplane?"
"Yeah."
"How did you get here then? Did you walk?"
"No."
"Did you go in a car?"
"No."
Santana narrowed her eyes.
"I think you're trying to trick me, you little trickster."
"No" Nathan giggled, pulling the lollipop from his mouth. Santana shifted her hands so one of them was at his back, and then dove into his neck, pretending to bite him with her lips covering her teeth. He squealed and shrieked and wriggled.
When his laughing got so hysterical Santana couldn't hear him taking in a breath, she stopped.
"Mummy….Auntana eatin me." He breathed once he'd calmed down.
"Did she get a good bite?" Mercedes asked as she wiped the drool from around his mouth with his shirt.
"No."
"But you're so yummy. Are you sure you don't want to let her get a nice big bite!" Mercedes snapped her teeth, causing Nathan to shriek and jump away. Santana caught him with the hand that had been at his back before he fell.
"Okay" She laughed. "Let's go sit down before this gets too out of hand."
As she walked to get their discarded bags, Santana couldn't help stealing glances at Kyler and Jesus. They were now sitting cross legged on the grass, facing each other and talking animatedly.
"God, I missed him…" Santana said mostly to herself as she watched Jesus cheekily stick his finger in Kyler's ear.
"He missed you too. As much fun as he was having."
"Kyler missed him. He looked so….I don't know. I guess I've gotten used to seeing two of them." Santana chuckled.
"Believe me, Jesus looked the same. I've never seen a kid keep such meticulous track of what was going on in their lives. I swear you'd think he was keeping record for the cops or something the way he wrote in that notepad."
"He actually did that?" She looked at Mercedes.
"Oh yeah" Mercedes nodded.
Santana turned back to the two boys, feeling oddly emotional. She hadn't seen Kyler writing in any book or notepad, but she imagined that he had, if Jesus had taken his request so seriously. She wondered what he'd written.
"I'm worried about him"
"Why?" Santana didn't look, but she could hear the confusion in Mercedes' voice.
"His anxiety…I don't know." She sighed. "It only gets worse with every game, and I don't know what to do. I'm worried we're pushing him too hard."
"Pushing him? Doesn't he push himself?"
"Yeah but…I'm not sure if….like is he only doing this because of my expectations….because he doesn't want to let his team down…"
"Oh I see." Mercedes nodded. "Rather than because he loves the game."
"Yeah. Because his fears are of what everyone is saying or thinking about him. I don't want him to be a people pleasure. Every game I have to give him a speech about doing it because he loves the game and because he's having fun, but what if he isn't? What if I'm just convincing him he loves something he doesn't? Making him want to do it because he knows it makses us proud. Like my-"
She stopped abruptly, her eyes widening.
"Like who?" Mercedes asked curiously.
Santana shook her head quickly, licking her lips. "Nobody, nothing. Nobody…." She plastered on a small smile and faced Mercedes. "Sean actually told me that he thinks I should get him a personal trainer. Like outside of the team coach."
"Don't you and Puck-"
"Yeah, Puck takes him to the gym for fitness training, and I run plays with him….but….He says-"
"Sean?"
"Daddy!" Nathan said happily.
"Yeah your daddy said." Santana booped his nose, making him laugh. "He says we've made him so…Umm….I guess safe and protected….you know? All positive encouragement and stuff, and so this is the first time he's facing criticism or harsh feedback, which is why he's taking it so hard."
"So what is a personal trainer going to do?"
"Well, without Puck and I around, the trainer can actually…train him. Criticise him…get him used to hearing someone else's voice which can sometimes be harsh and judgemental, while knowing that person still believes in him….. I don't know…Someone who won't coddle him."
"Coddle?" Mercedes raised an eyebrow. "Is that what Sean said?"
"Basically."
"Boy!?"
"No, no" Santana gripped her arm, stopping Mercedes from taking out her phone. "He wasn't being an ass, he was actually really nice about it. He's just looking out for Ky."
"M'kay." Mercedes smacked her lips. "But listen Satan, I don't know anything about football. I mean I learned the rules, but I could never pretend to know what the best way to train is. But, I don't think pulling back is going to help him now. I don't know if it would have made a difference if he started with a personal trainer, but right now…." She shook her head. "Right now, you are his biggest fan. You are the voice he hears in his head, and if you're suddenly not there…."
Santana's gaze returned to the field, where Puck was throwing the ball for Kyler to catch. That was exactly what she was afraid of. That her voice was drowning out Kyler's own. That all he heard was her, her wants and hopes and dreams for him and not what he actually wanted.
"I don't know." She said heavily. "I don't want him to think that he has to do or be something specific in order to make me happy. I don't want him thinking he has to play football, and be good, or he has to compete in swim meets with older kids, because it makes me happy. Maybe I should pull back a bit, let a trainer take the lead, so that with me all he finds is…acceptance."
Mercedes sighed. "What does Brittany think?"
Santana handed Nathan back to Mercedes, then bent and picked up hers and Kyler's bags.
"She said we'd talk about it, but we haven't had the chance."
Mercedes nodded. "Well…why don't you talk to Kyler. Tell him what I'm sure he already knows, that you love and are proud of him no matter what he does or how he performes, and ask him if this is what he still wants to be doing? Ask him if the pressure is too much for him."
"Yeah." Santana began walking down to the bleachers that she ususally sat at with Regina. "And if he says he can't take the pressure, what am I supposed to do then? Let him quit? Or encourage him to keep at it?"
"I don't know." Mercedes shook her head slowly. "At the end of the day, he's your kid, and you know him the best. I think you'll just have to make a judgement call."
"A call that'll change his future compl-"
"Santana!" Regina called excitedly, standing up.
Santana smiled, waving back and deciding to let it go for now. This was just another thing she was going to have to add to her mental load.
At that moment the coach walked out onto the field with a few of the other boys trailing behind him already in gear. Kyler sprinted to Santana.
"Mami!"
Santana already had his bag held out for him to take.
"You're going to do great today mijo." She called after him as he ran into the changing rooms. He held his thumb up over his shoulder, not even looking back. "You're gonna do great." She said again, rubbing her hands over her jeans.
"Uhuh" Mercedes said, smirking. "You telling him or yourself?"
Santana frowned at her. "Him."
"Right" Mercedes chuckled. "Hey, Regina right? Can I have one of these sodas?"
Brittany flinched as her teeth bit a little too hard on her bottom lip. She ran her tongue over it, tasting blood and cringed.
"Damn" She said under her breath, as she ushered her kids from the plane, making sure to hold both their hands tightly. She lasted until the first set of escalators before her lip was back between her teeth. She made sure to pick at the other side.
"Mama are you okay?" Sophia asked, raising a concerned eyebrow as they stepped off the escalator and manoeuvred their way through the restaurants to the second set of escalators.
"Yeah honey" she nodded absently.
She was really, but also kind of wasn't. As soon as they'd landed, Jade had called, half worried, half pissed off, to tell her that Santana had been cryng in the studio every single day that week, and that yesterday, she'd kicked Jade out of the studio just for saying she wasn't okay. It confirmed the weird feeling Brittany had been having all week. The feeling that Santana wasn't telling her something. And she wasn't sure what she was going to come home to.
Brittany jumped as both her kids screamed, but now that she was paying attention it was immediately obvious why. Santana was waiting for them at the bottom of the escalators with Jesus and Kyler. She let go of Sophia and Mateo's hands to let them run to her, bending to pick up their small suitcases.
All of her worrying aside, she was a little shocked by how much she had missed Santana. It had been a while since she'd spent so long away from her, and she was glad that it felt unusual. A lot of the other dancers at the studio, particularly the men, were always talking about wanting to get away from their wives. She never wanted that to be her.
She set down the suitcases and watched Santana kiss Mateo's head over and over, while hugging Sophia tightly to her side. It made her smile to see both kids looking so content.
Then Santana looked up at her, put Mateo down and whispered something to Sophia. The next thing she knew Santana was jumping into her arms, wrapping her legs around her waist. She staggered back, nearly falling to the floor, but managed to keep them both up, and let her arms circle Santana's torso.
"I missed you baby." Santana breathed into Brittany's neck. Suddenly Brittany felt close to tears. She hugged Santana tighter and took a deep breath, exhaling her worry.
"I missed you too Santana."
"What are they doing?" Mateo's voice took Brittany out of the moment to realise they were standing still in a very public airport, displaying their private moment.
"They missed each other, shut up." Kyler hissed back.
Santana didn't seem to want to let her go though. She rubbed her back and kissed her cheek.
"Let's go home babe."
After almost a full minute, Santana finally pulled back, kissing Brittany quickly on the lips before she jumped down.
"Yeah." Santana said, taking one of the kids' bags from beside Brittany. "We've given them enough of a show."
Grinning cheekily, Brittany ignored the many phones being pointed in her direction, and walked to Kyler.
"Hi buddy." She hugged him tight to her chest, smothering him.
"Hi mama" he giggled loudly.
"Oh I missed this head" Brittany began twisting his head left and right.
"MAMA"
Placing a kiss on his now dishevelled hair, Brittany let Kyler go.
"Mama I need the bathroom." Mateo said.
"I'm hungry." Jesus said.
"I'll take him to the bathroom," Santana said, pulling Mateo into her side. "You and Soph go with the boys to the car."
"Okay"
"Boys you remember where we parked?"
"Yeah" they both said.
"Great."
Before Santana could walk off, Brittany pulled her into another kiss, breathing heavily from her nose as Santana placed a hand on her hip and squeezed. When she let her tongue gently caress Santana's top lip, Santana let out a soft groan that had Brittany pressing her eyes shut tighter to stop herself from deepening the kiss.
"See you in a bit." She said in a strained voice.
"Yeah."
She watched Santana walk away, licking her lips slowly.
"Mama?"
Brittany took a deep breath and turned to her kids, blinking rapidly.
"Yeah." She said energetically. "Let's go."
"Niki shush, they'll hear you!" Jesus snapped, pulling Mateo down to the floor by his shirt.
"So?" Mateo asked, sitting cross legged next to Jesus.
"So we don't want them coming in here right now."
"Why?"
"Because we're talking about them."
"So?"
"Just shut up" Sophia said, holding up her hand. "What do you mean mami is sad?" she asked Kyler.
"She was crying when she picked me up from school."
"When?" Jesus asked.
"Monday. But every day she's…She looks so tired and she has a headache. I can tell even when she's pretending she's fine."
"What do you think is wrong?" Sophia asked.
"She told me that when she's in the studio and writing songs that sometimes they make her think about things that happened in her life, and sometimes those things are sad."
Jesus frowned at the floor.
"Sad things like what?" Sophia asked nervously.
"Maybe she wanted a dog, and abuela said she couldn't have one." Mateo pouted.
The three older kids turned to frown at him.
"What?" Kyler asked.
"That's sad. I asked her if we can get a dog and she said no. I felt sad."
"Did you cry?" Sophia asked.
"No."
"Then stop giving stupid answers."
"Hey…you're not supposed to say stupid."
"Niki" Kyler said firmly. "This is serious. If you're going to distract us or you can't pay attention then…"
"We're gonna lock you out." Jesus said.
Pouting even heavier, Mateo huffed, fixing his gaze on the floor.
"So…what do you guys think?" Kyler asked Jesus and Sophia. "I've been thinking all week and I can't come up with anything."
"Do you think her and mama are fighting?" Jesus asked. "Like Owen's mum and dad?"
Sophia's eyes went wide.
"No" Kyler shook his head slowly, placing his hand Sophia's knee. "Did you see how happy they were to see each other at the airport?"
"Yeah you're right"
Sophia sighed. "Maybe…Maybe someone died?"
"Who died?" Mateo asked loudly.
"Shut uuup!"
"Shuuush!"
Sophia and Jesus both yelled.
Tears sprung to Mateo's eyes instantly. He jumped to his feet and ran out the door.
"Urgh" Sophia groaned, uncrossing her legs and standing up. "We don't have long before he brings mums in here."
"Lock the door." Jesus said.
"On mums?"
"Guys, be nice to your brother" Santana called from downstairs.
"They're not coming up" Kyler said with a quick head shake.
"Are you guys sure?"
They heard Mateo making his way up the stairs.
"Yes hurry up!" Jesus pushed her leg.
"Okay." She jogged to the door and slammed it shut.
"Wait shout back 'okay', otherwise they'll think we didn't hear them and come check."
"Oh, yeah." Sophia opened the door again and stuck her head out.
"Okay mami" she yelled. She could see Mateo almost at the top of the stairs so she closed the door quickly and locked it.
"So you think someone died?" Kyler asked as Sophia sat down beside him.
"Maybe" Sophia shrugged. "It's the only thing I can think of that makes grown-ups cry."
"But mama's not sad." Jesus said.
The door handle shook.
"Open the door." Mateo called.
"No we told you we don't want any distractions."
"I'll be quiet."
"You don't know how to be quiet." Jesus said.
"This isn't fair!"
"It's my room, I don't have to let you in." Sophia said.
"But I wanna hear what you guys are talking about."
Jesus, Sophia and Kyler looked at each other in frustration.
"Just ignore him." Sophia said.
"No. Mums will come up if he tells them we locked him out."
"I'm gonna go tell mums!"
"Urgh Niki!" Jesus got up, stormed over to the door and threw it open. "We're not even talking anymore, we're doing homework."
"You're lying." Mateo frowned up at him.
"I'm going to get my books right now."
"Yeah me too." Kyler stood up.
"Mine are here" Sophia took a book from her study table and held it up for Mateo to see.
He looked at all of them, still frowning but looking undecided.
"What if I give you my ipad, will you leave us alone?" Kyler asked.
Mateo nodded quickly.
"Come on then"
Kyler led him to his room and handed over the ipad. Without a word, Mateo ran off to his room. He picked some books from his study table, some from Jesus' and returned to Sophia's room.
"We're not actually doing homework" Jesus laughed.
"In case they come check." Kyler dropped the books on the floor.
"Good thinking" Sophia said. She took the same books from her table and dropped them next to her brothers' then they all sat down.
"Maybe someone mami cared about died a long time ago, and she's singing about it, which is making her sad now." Kyler said.
Sophia and Jesus nodded.
"So Jesus, you have to tell us what she sings about in the studio on Monday."
"Okay." His face dropped. "Wait….does that mean I'm going to see mami crying?"
"Probably." Kyler nodded sadly.
"What if she doesn't get better?" Sophia asked, her voice quiet.
"She will" Kyler said with conviction. "We'll make sure she will."
"Plus mama's back now." Jesus said, putting his hand on Sophia's arm. "Mama will take care of her."
Santana and Brittany were sitting in the outside patio under a heavy blanket with two cups of hot chocolate. Santana was sitting between Brittany's legs, with her back against Brittany's front and Brittany's arm coming over her shoulder to rest on her chest. Santana was idly playing with her fingers as they talked, feeling truly calm for the first time since Monday.
"It couldn't have been that bad." Brittany laughed. Santana felt the vibrations against her back, making her smile.
"You aren't the one being dragged around town by a bride who doesn't even know what she wants the dress to look like."
"She's excited." Brittany gently ran her fingers through Santana's hair, before kissing her head. "You remember what that was like. You went to so many stores and still ended up having your dress tailored."
"Hhmm" Santana hummed. "I didn't know how annoying it was to be on this side of it."
Brittany laughed again, tightening her hold on Santana. "I love that you're being so sweet to her baby."
Santana smiled, tilting her head up to look at Brittany.
"She doesn't know it yet, but she really needs you…well someone…and I'm glad you're that someone."
Santana shrugged. "We let her down a lot in the past, and yeah, we weren't really best friends in high school but…"
"You still feel guilty?"
"A little." Santana nodded.
"Me too." Brittany mummured against Santana's hair. Her voice was quiet. Contemplative. "I remember how it felt when I started dating Artie and you weren't talking to me, it was awful. A bit because I was in love with you and I was so sad that I'd hurt you, but mostly…I just felt alone. Quinn felt like that all the time."
Santana rubbed Brittany's arm, turning her head to kiss it softly.
"Yeah" she breathed.
They sat for a moment, wrapped up in each other, enjoying each other. Santana felt so content, she closed her eyes, convinced she could fall asleep any second. But then Brittany started telling her about her week, about how Jesus seemed to have found his best friends, and how it felt for her to be teaching kids again, something she hadn't done since they were in college in New York.
"Would you do it again?"
"Yeah" Brittany nodded. "Watching those kids gave me a different feeling than anything I'm doing now. I feel like I really connected with some of them, like I was really making a difference in their lives. I could make it a regular thing…" Santana felt her take a deep breath. "If I can figure out how to cut back from work."
Santana frowned.
"What does that mean?" She craned her neck back to look at Brittany.
"It means I want to have less to do in the New Year, and so…one of the things I can do is-"
"Wait" Santana shifted to sit up, turning her body to face Brittany. The blanket fell to cover only their legs. "Wait. Why will you have less to do?"
"Because" Brittany shrugged. "I want to cut back a little. Spend more time at home."
Santana's heart rate picked up. Brittany was taking time off work for no apparent reason. She was bringing it up out of nowhere, with no prior indication of wanting to do less...Of course there was one very clear reason Santana could see for her sudden desire. She wanted her schedule to be light when they had a baby.
"For what?"
Brittany giggled. "Because I happen to like my family?"
"But…since when?"
Brittany's smile dropped. She sat up too, putting even more distance between her and Santana.
"Since when do I like my family?"
"No" Santana shook her head.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"No, no." Santana put down her mug. "I didn't mean…I mean since when do you want to cut back on work? I thought you were enjoying it."
"I am."
"So…What? Why?"
"You took time off for the family. Why can't I?"
"Because you don't need to."
"I want to" Brittany frowned.
"But why?" Santana stood up, dropping the blanket to the floor.
"Why not?"
"WHA-?" Santana caught herself just as the yell escaped her. She took a deep breath and clasped her hands together. "That's not an answer."
"It is." Brittany stood up as well, placing her mug next to Santana's. "Why are you acting like my taking time off work is a bad thing?"
Jesus, Sophia, Kyler and Mateo stayed stock still, staring at each other with wide eyes as they crouched behind the kitchen island.
"Come on" Jesus motioned with his hand, placing a finger over his lips as he crawled out of the kitchen and into the hallway before the stairs. When Sophia, Mateo and Kyler were standing next to him, he peeked round the wall to make sure they hadn't been seen.
"They're fighting" Mateo said in a small voice. Kyler pulled him into his side, placing his arm over Mateo's shoulder and patting his chest.
"I thought you said mama was going to fix her?" Sophia said.
"She…She will." Jesus said, sounding unsure.
"Doesn't look like it."
"She will!"
"Shhh" Kyler said. "Let's go upstairs."
"What are we gonna do if she doesn't?" Sophia asked.
Jesus and Kyler looked at each other, neither knowing what to say.
"I just don't get where this is coming from. You've never talked about wanting to do less. You took on that music video just for fun, you went to LA for this...this teaching thing just for fun, now all of a sudden you don't want to work?"
"I'm not quitting my job Santana. I'm just cutting back, so I'll be working less hours."
"But WHY?!"
"I took the kids to LA so you can have time to work. So you can focus on your work. I want to do more of that."
"I-" Santana ran a hand through her hair, feeling like she just wanted to scream. "But you…You have the convention and you're teaching and choreographing, and you're gonna be in that music video. You said- I don't…"
"Santana." Britany grabbed Santana's hands, refusing to let go when Santana tried to pull away. "Santana!"
Santana's eyes snapped to Brittany, locking with her eyes.
"What is going on with you?"
Santana was breathing heavily. She tried to pull away again, but Brittany's hold was strong.
"I'm trying to support you. To give you what you need to have the career you always wanted. That's all."
Santana's chest felt tight. It made breathing hard and her throat feel thick. She tried to swallow, but the lump continued to form.
"You….You…" Santana couldn't talk. Her voice kept cracking.
Brittany's bottom lip jutted out, her eyes softening.
"Baby…" she breathed. "Talk to me."
That did it. Santana felt the tears spilling from her eyes at the tone of Brittany's voice. It had been disarming her since she was fourteen years old, and right now, fourteen was exactly how she felt.
"Oh…no" Brittany pulled her into her chest, stroking her hair.
Santana wasn't sure why she was crying. What she really wanted to do was scream and maybe kick something. She didn't like that she was crying. For one, it meant she'd go to bed with either a headache, or her entire body feeling drained. For another, she knew that as soon as she stopped, Brittany would force her to tell her what was wrong, and what was she supposed to say? 'Sorry Britt, it's just that all your hints about wanting a baby are really started to stress me out.' Yeah that would go over really well. She wasn't ready to have that conversation yet. She wasn't ready to watch Brittany's heart break when she told her she didn't want any more kids.
So maybe she pretended to fall asleep.
She was actually tired, so it wasn't a stretch, and with how hard she'd been crying she did need a moment of silence. So lying still with her eyes losed wasn't hard at all. She did feel a little stupid when after much longer than she'd expected, Brittany gently shook her awake, but Brittany merely wanted her to shift slightly so she could carry her upstairs. Santana had known she would want to, after Santana practically broke down. She knew Brittany would want to take care of her. So she barely opened her eyes as she wrapped her arms around Brittany's neck and let her carry her up the stairs. It was weird, pretending to be unconscious when she was very much awake. Having to keep her arms relaxed when she wanted to hold on for dear life, having to keep her body lifeless instead of tensing her muscles like she usual would so she wasn't dead weight. It was weird, and stupid, and she hated herself a little bit for it.
She just needed a little more time.
Brittany placed her gently onto the bed. Santana felt her arms shake with the effort to not drop her as she bent over, and felt bad for behaving like an idiot. She knew Brittany was probably very confused and worried, and if she wasn't such a coward maybe she would open her eyes so they could talk about it, but her emotions had been getting the better of her for a week and all that build up was too much for her to handle right now. Unwanted thoughts of her abuela, her anxiety about being back at work affecting Mateo, the stress that came with writing an album, missing Brittany and her kids, and Brittany almost certainly wanting a baby, all of it was too much for Santana to handle, much less talk about.
But she didn't want Brittany to worry. She had missed her, and she was glad she was back. Her life felt just a little bit more controlled knowing Brittany was around, and Santana wanted her to know that. So as Brittany gently began to pull away, trying not to wake her up, Santana tightened her arms around her neck, refusing to let her go. She felt Brittany pause.
"Santana…"
She didn't respond, but didn't loosen her grip.
"Santana…." Brittany said a little louder. Santana pulled Brittany closer to her body in response, and felt the moment Brittany understood.
"Okay." Brittany chuckled breathily. She bent down completely, kissing Santana gently, then climbed into the bed next to her and scooted so close her nose brushed Santana's. "I love you Santana."
Santana felt close to crying again as another kiss was placed on her lips.
"You're okay." Brittany whispered. "I'm home."