The next morning Santana had to fight every instinct telling her to escape the house. She laid in bed for more than thirty minutes, arguing with herself. Brittany would want to talk, she knew that. She would be out of her mind with worry if Brittany burst suddenly and inexplicably into tears. She'd want to know what was wrong. So Brittany would want to talk. Santana wasn't ready to talk. Honestly, she didn't trust herself not to start crying again. Everything seemed to be triggering tears lately. But she couldn't lie to Brittany. She felt awful just for pretending to fall asleep to avoid talking. Lying was a sign their relationship was breaking…that's what she told herself every time she felt the urge to lie. One lie, even white and harmless, made it easier to lie about more serious things, or more frequently, and that led to a break in trust. As easy as it would be to tell Brittany that she was emotional because of her period, and that really she was just happy Brittany was back, she wouldn't do it.
Which left only one option, leave the house. She could go to the studio, nobody would be in since it was so early. She could have all the breakdowns she wanted in there alone, and nobody would be there to tell her she wasn't okay. She could cry all day and still get work done. She could do it, but Brittany would know she was avoiding her.
If lying was a sign their relationship was breaking, avoiding Brittany so blatantly was a sign something was very wrong with her. She'd learned that over the years, with the help of her therapist, Samantha. Things weren't too bad, until she started trying to hide from Brittany. Samantha had said that it was because Brittany knew her the most intimately. Because Brittany never fell for her bullshit excuses or tough façade. She couldn't hide her emotions from Brittany, which was usually fine. The best way for Santana to know she was dealing with something bigger than she was willing to accept, was when she physically avoided Brittany, because it really meant she was running away from her emotions, which Brittany would force her to confront.
Santana knew all this, which was why she was lying staring at her ceiling instead of crying in her studio. She didn't want this to develop into something bigger than it was. She didn't want to admit that nearly six years after seeing her abuela for the last time she was still causing her enough heart ache for her to avoid Brittany, still turning her into the emotionally stunted sixteen year old who didn't know how to handle her feelings.
She just needed to get a grip.
Brittany stirred next to her, shifting so both her hands were under her pillow and letting out a deep breath. Santana felt it blow her hair. She'd missed Brittany, which was crazy to her because it was just a week. She'd gone longer without seeing Brittany. Much longer. So she wasn't sure why it felt like she hadn't seen Brittany in a year. Maybe it was because of her emotional turmoil.
She let her eyes trail over Brittan's body. The duvet was low, since she'd moved it to her waist when she'd began to watch the ceiling, so she could see Brittany's entire back and a bit of her ass. She hadn't had a chance to change into pyjamas, thanks to Santana's pathetic excuse for an apology by way of cuddling after her breakdown. Santana had fallen asleep after her, and Brittany had still been in sweats and a vest, so she must have woken up at some point in the night to strip because right now, from what Santna could tell, she was naked.
Santana couldn't find it in herself to wonder too hard about this. Brittany was naked, that's all she needed to know. With her hands now under the pillow, Brittany's back was arched slightly towards the bed. Her back muscles were so gloriously stretched that Santana could see them just slightly defined against her spine. She couldn't resist. Turning on her side, she placd her palm flat against Brittany's ribs and moved them back over her spine. She felt Brittany take a deep breath.
God, even when she was an emotional wreck, Brittany managed to turn her on. She was sleeping and yet it was like she was seducing Santana. Brittany felxed her back, moving her shoulders as she shifted again, this time bending her right leg. Santana swallowed.
She ran her hand up Brittany's back again, moving closer to her, then she ran it down, wanting to see if Brittany really was naked. When her hand touched nothing but Brittany's bare, smooth, perfectly round ass, she felt her breath pick up. She moved closer still, licking her lips. She cupped the back of Brittany's thigh and pulled it up and off the bed, so that it rested over Santana's waist, and moved so close she could press her stomach against Brittany's side. Brittany turned her body so she was on her side. She still seemed asleep, but more conscious than she'd previously been. Santana smirked, licking her lips again. Britttany would be awake soon enough.
She moved her left hand back to Brittany's ass, rubbing it slowly and squeezing occasionally. Her right hand, which didn't have much range of motion, she used to cup Brittany's cheek. Her eyes, were glued to Brittany's chest. God, Brittany was sexy. She was sexy in a way that always surprised Santana. All that dancing kept every single muscle in Brittany's body tight. So tight. Her abs, her biceps, her thighs, her chest muscles. It made her boobs and collarbone all the more defined, drawing Santana in every single time.
This time was no different. Without a second's hesitation, she lowered her lips to Brittany's skin, kissing her neck, just over her pulse, and then over her collarbone. Brittany hummed, her hand circling Santana's waist and pulling her closer. Still not awake though, Santana noted.
She kissed over Brittany's chest, down the line separating her boobs, and then to the side, making her way to a nipple. The hand round her waist tightened as soon as she closed her lips around the soft pink flesh. Brittany took in a deep breath, arching into Santana. She hummed again, this one longer, more drawn out.
Now she was awake.
Santana looked up to See Brittany staring down at her, eyes half closed from just having woken up, but very alert. Fighting a smirk, she squeezed Brittany's ass, using the flesh to pull her even closer. Brittany grunted so sexily Santana had to roll her hips. It prompted Brittany's hand on her waist to snake up her shirt. She felt nails drag lightly against her back, making her shiver, and then Brittany was pulling her closer as she rolled onto her back. She didn't detach her lips from Brittany's nipple as she settled on top of her, but she moaned around it as both Brittany's hands smoothed over her stomach and up to her breasts, cupping them both.
Brittany was squirming below her, telling Santana she was ready for more. Her head was thrown back against the pillow, her chin pointing up to the ceiling. Moving her lips up, Santana kissed all the way up her neck, stopping to suck at certain points she knew would get Brittany wound up just a little tighter. She sat up as Brittany's hands moved down to her ass while she moaned loudly, and Santana allowed her to guide her hips into a slow grind. She used her thumb to tilt Brittany's head down so she could watch her face, as the other hand pinched Brittany's nipple.
"Fuckk" Brittany breathed, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth as her grip tightened on Santana's ass. Her chest was rising and falling much faster now, forcing her to breath through her mouth, which sadly for Santana, meant she had to let go of her lip. The way she did it, had Santana's stomach coiling into a tight knot. She stared at Brittany's lips for what felt like an eternity, increasing the speed of her grinding against Brittany's center just a little bit before she was leaning down and capturing that tempting lip between her own lips. Brittany kissed her hard, her hands moving to her back momentarily as she pulled Santana into it. She was lifting her body to meet Santana's with every downward thrust of Santana's hips, pushing her breasts against Santana's clothed ones. Santana felt like Brittany was trying to drink her in. The passion in the kiss was so intense that she felt like she was overheating. Every time she tried to take a breath Brittany would follow her lips, recapturing them, coaxing them open with her tongue. Suddenly Santana wasn't in control anymore. She'd started this but now she could barely think.
It came as no surprise when Brittany flipped them. She supposed she'd underestimated how much Brittany had missed her too. Sometimes Brittany flipped them gracefully. Smoothly enough that Santana would land softly on her back. Today, Brittany flipped her hard. She would have flown off the edge of the bed, which they weren't far from, if Brittany's leg hadn't been bracketing her hip. She threw her hand out to try and grab something to steady herself as she bounced. It found her bedside table. Yup, they were definitely too close to the edge.
Brittany didn't seem to notice or care. Both her hands were tangled in Santana's hair as she kissed down her neck, then down her chest. They disentangled momentarily as she pulled Santana's shirt up roughly, making Santana grunt, but didn't spend as much time on her boobs as Santana had been expecting, not that they weren't given attention. Brittany sucked them almost aggressively, leaving what Santana was sure were at least four different hickies. She had to pull both her lips into her mouth to keep from moaning too loudly as she felt teeth graze over her nipple.
"Fuck Britt…" she groaned, trying to breath as quietly as possible.
But then Brittany was moving on and she knew she was in trouble. Brittany kissed her stomach slowly, leaving her lips pressed against her skin for several seconds as she undid the string on Santana's sweats. Santana obediently lifted her hips when she felt Brittany hook her thumbs into her pants, to allow Brittany to pull them off, and then lifted her legs so she could remove them fully. Brittany knelt between her legs, running her hands up from her knees, over her thighs. When she got to her waist, she slipped her hands under Santana's shirt and lifted it purposefully. Santana raised her head and hands quickly so the shirt could come off.
"So sexy." Brittany mumbled to herself, eyes fixed on Santana's chest and flexed stomach muscles as she held herlsef up. Gently, she pushed Santana back down, her hand gliding over Santana's abs and stopping to cup a breast. Santana focused on Brittany. The way Brittany was looking at her right now, like she was the most beautiful sculpture she had ever seen, it was the kind of look that made it hard for her to focus. She'd wanted to touch Brittany, that's what had started all this. She'd been turned on by Brittany and wanted to touch her, and yet, she couldn't even bring herself to speak, in case it interrupted whatever Brittany was feeling and chased that look away.
Brittany was rubbing her hands all over Santana's body, just staring. Santana wished she knew what she was thinking. Whatever it was had her shaking her head slowly, licking her lips, swallowing, and then she let out a quiet.
"Fuck."
Her eyes snapped to Santana's, as she clenched her jaw.
"Britt…" Santana croaked, not sure what to make of the intensity in Brittany's eyes.
Brittany lunged forward, both hands gripping the side of Santana's neck and lifting her head to meet her lips. Santana barely had a moment to process the kiss, which ended with a sharp nip of her bottom lip and would have been painful if it didn't send her stomach into a frenzy, before Brittany was dropping her head and scooting down the bed.
Santana took several deep breaths, moving her hands to grip the sheets. Her kids were home, she reminded herself, as Brittany settled on her stomach between her legs. All of them were home and just a few doors away, so she needed to be quiet.
Brittany kissed her left thigh, all the way up to her hip bone, wrapped her hands around Santana's thighs and then placed a soft kiss on her lower lips. Santana's stomach tensed instantly. She wasn't going to be able to be quiet, she just knew it. She shut her eyes, tightened her grip on the sheets and focused on breathing.
Every swipe of Brittany's tongue felt like an electric shot right to her stomach. Her clit was throbbing, demanding attention, but Brittany didn't give it any. Occassionally her nose would bump it, and Santana's hips would jump up, but then Brittany would pull her back down and go back to avoiding it.
Then the situation got worse for Santana. Brittany dipped down lower, straightened her tongue and plunged into her very wet, very ready pussy. Santana moaned loudly, one hand abandoning the sheet to instead tangle in Brittany's hair.
"Shiiiiittt" she groaned, as Brittany pistoned in and out. "Shit."
Her high was climbing steadily. She was finding it hard to stay still, which Brittany didn't seem to mind much. Santana had caught her watching the way her boobs jiggled every time Santana rolled her hips up and dropped them back down.
"Britt." She moaned, pulling on Brittany's hair. Her clit needed attention. It was almost painful how hard it was throbbing. Brittany did the opposite. She moved higher up, to Santana's stomach, to her chest. She sucked on Santana's nipple, her other hand groping her boob, thumb circling the nipple.
"Fuck Santana." She breathed, as Santana tangled her hand in her hair. "You're making me so wet baby."
Santana shuddered so hard she had to close her eyes.
"Watching you like this" she swiped her tongue over the pert nipple "….desperate to cum. Desperate for me to make you cum….fuck." she growled, throwing her leg over Santana's and lowering herself onto her thigh. Santana's lifted and tensed it slightly, giving Brittany a better angle. "Fuuuckk I'm so turned on."
She wasn't lying. Santana could feel it all over her thigh, and it was so very hot.
"God I missed you so much." Brittany moved on from her chest, sucking so hard on her neck Santana actually let out a high pitched whine, squeezing her eyes shut and arching her back. "Urgh you drive me crazy."
"Yeah." She moaned more than said. She knew what was coming. Brittany's dirty talk was the absolute hottest thing she had ever experienced, and when she was in a frenzy like she was now, it was always so much dirtier.
"Yeah." She breathed into Santana's ear, pushing herself harder against her thigh and rubbing their tits together. Santana bit her lip against the urge to curse loudly. "You know how hot I can get after a long day of dancing."
Santana nodded. Her one hand was still tangled in Brittany's hair, in fact she wasn't sure how she was going to remove it without pulling out a few strands, but her other hand was free, so she used that one to grip Brittany's ass, letting her nails dig in just a little.
"You get so horny for me." She said, rolling her hips up.
"So fucking horny." Brittany agreed, lifting her head so she was above Santana, looking into her eyes. "I thought about what I'd do to you if you were there."
"What would you do B?"
Santana had to force her lungs to expand as she felt Brittany's fingers slipping down her stomach. Brittany was still loking into her eyes, and it was driving Santana even closer to her orgasm because it meant Brittany wanted to watch her face as she entered her.
"Make you cum on my fingers. Make you so wet for me by sucking your tits and licking your pussy, so wet that you're dripping onto the sheets." Brittany said against her lips, as she pushed her fingers into Santana. By the strained groan Brittany let out seconds before kissing Santana hard and pushing her tongue into her mouth, Santana figured her reaction to feeling Brittany inside her hadn't disappointed. She'd had to shut her eyes, and she could feel her fingers digging even more into Brittany's ass, but she only realised how loudly she was moaning when Brittany detatched their lips and moved to her ear. "You have to be quiet Santana…."
That was when Santana felt the vibrations in her throat. She held her breath, and they stopped.
"Good girl." Brittany sucked her earlobe. "I thought about how I'd spread you open for me, just like this…" she ran her fingers through Santana's pussy lips, all the way up until Santana could feel the cool air on her clit. She continued to hold her breath, not wanting to make a sound. "Give my tongue easy access to your hard, throbbing clit." And throbbing it was. Santana jerked her hips up as it pulsed particularly hard, anticipating the attention Brittany was promising it. Her lungs were begging for air, but she pressed her lips together, swallowed, and refused to breathe. She didn't trust herself to exhale without being very vocal about all the ways Brittany was setting her on fire.
But when Brittany pushed back into her with two very wet fingers, Santana knew it was not going to do any good for her to try and be quiet. She wouldn't be able to. Not with the way Brittany was still grinding against her thigh, or the noises she was making above her, or the look in her eyes, like a wild animal or like she was on cocaine or something.
"You can't keep quiet can you?" Brittany asked, and the fact that there wasn't a note of teasing, but more like the idea turned her on even more, made Santana moan loudly as she shook her head. The pace of Brittany's hips against her thigh picked up.
"Fuck I thought about this a lot." Brittany said, as she sat up slightly. "I thought about making you scream….making you beg….making you say my name over and over against with my fingers."
Santana would gladly beg for those fingers. Those glorious fingers that were brushing against her walls, hitting deep within her and making it impossible for her brain to think. She would beg for one finger in particular to move in tight circles over her clit. But she knew it wouldn't do her any good. Not with this version of Brittany. This wasn't dominant Brittany. Dominant Brittany liked it when Santana begged. When Santana surrendered below her, giving up any and all control and just letting Brittany please her. Dominant Brittany wanted Santana to beg before she did anything, to verbalise that Brittany was the one in control. That Brittany held all the power. This Brittany, like she was right now, hot and bothered and hungry for Santana, this Brittany didn't really care what Santana wanted or how much she begged for it. She cared about getting the most reactions out of her. The loudest reactions out of her. Turning Santana into a mindless, incoherrent puddle beneathe her, and fucking her so hard and good that Santana didn't even get the chance to beg.
"You're gonna need this." Brittany said, holding a pillow over Santana's face.
Santana was confused for a second, before Brittany was placing it over her mouth, smirking. Santana opened her mouth and bit into the pillow, trying to catch her breath. Once Brittany was sure the pillow wasn't suffocating her, she moved off Santana's thigh and back in between her legs. This time she didn't hesitate. As soon as she was comfortable, she pressed her tongue against Santana's clit. Santana jumped, glad Brittany had thought about using the pillow. The 'shit' she yelled out only came out as a muffled sound. From there, all she could do was hold on for dear life. Brittany sucked her clit relentlessly, licking it occasionally. Her fingers moved steadily inside her, reaching for just the right spots, stroking her higher and higher. She was grinding against Brittany's face, her heels pressed into the mattress for leverage, one hand on her boob, the other pressing the pillow into her face.
"You look so hot when you touch yourself like that." Brittany said, lifting her head. "Pinch your nipple."
Santana did as she was told, pinching it between her thumb and forefinger.
"Fuck." Brittany moaned, licking quickly at Santana's clit before lifting her head again. "That made you wetter. I felt it on my fingers….you like pinching your nipple baby?" Santana nodded, her stomach rippling with the pleasure surging through her.
"I could cum just from watching you like this." Brittany said, putting a little more force behind her strokes and moving her thumb to circle Santana's clit so she could talk. She pressed hard as she rubbed her, her other hand hitting hard inside her and making Santana grunt every single time. Santana couldn't be still if a gun was held to her head. Her hips canted up every time Brittany pressed her clit, her stomach tightened as her back arched, her head was thrashing from side to side, pressing the pillow hard against her mouth. "You make me so fucking horny Santana do you know that? You make my pussy ache to be filled."
Santana groaned into the pillow, her eyes rolling to the back of her head. Her stomach felt like it was being turned into molten lava. Her whole body shivered violently as Brittany angled her fingers to hit a different spot.
"You wanna fill me don't you?"
For a second Santana thought she was going to cry. Her chest was swelling, and all her muscles felt too strained. She wasn't getting enough oxygen, and she knew it because she could feel the veins in her neck popping as she threw her head back and bit hard into the pillow. But then it all released, and she felt her orgasm crash over her. Brittany continued to move inside her as she shook, her thighs clenching around Brittany as she rocked against her.
"Yeah baby…cum for me. Fuck…you're so hot when you cum-"
Santana threw the pillow to the side, pulling Brittany up quickly. It seemed to take Brittany by surprise, because she stopped talking abruptly. Santana flipped them easily, pushing Brittany's legs apart.
"You wanna be filled?" she asked, panting. She could still feel a few waves of after shocks, but Brittany's dirty talk had gotten to her. "You want me to fill your pussy?"
"Fuck…" Brittany groaned, her eyes fluttering. "Yeah baby."
Brittany was close to cumming, Santana knew that, so she was quick as she jumped off the bed and ran into the closet. It wasn't even a minute before she was walking back out, strap on securely in place.
"Oh god…" Brittany moaned. It was her turn to put the pillow over her face as Santna climbed back onto the bed.
"I'm gonna fill you baby." Santana ran it through her pussy a few times, to get it wet. She made sure to bump Brittany's clit a few times, which sent her hips canting up to the ceiling each time. She didn't ask if Brittany was ready, she could see that she was. Instead, she leaned forward, restng her hands on either side of Brittany's head.
"I'm already so close Santana." Brittany said breathlessly, pulling the pillow away to speak.
"Don't wake the kids." Santana said, kissing her swiftly, and then she moved her hips down and pushed into Brittany. Brittany's hands were by her head, reaching out for something…the headboard, the other pillows, she even accidentally hit the alarm clock on Santana's bedside table, knocking it over. Still too close to the edge, but Santana wasn't going to stop so they could move. "Shit…you're so tight."
The long moan that Brittany was letting out was deep and loud, even muffled by the pillow. Santana took it to mean she didn't have long.
Assuming Brittany had adjusted by the way she was bucking up into the strap on, Santana began moving her hips faster and just a little harder. She didn't like to use the strap on often, because she couldn't feel anything. She couldn't feel how wet Brittany was, she couldn't feel her walls clenching, couldn't feel the warmth and softness of her pussy. She only knew Brittany was tight by how much resistance their was, which yes, felt good on her clit, but not as good as feeling Brittany with her own fingers.
But sometimes, the strap on was perfect. When Santana wanted to fuck Brittany but hold her or touch her as well, or when they didn't have a lot of time and Santana wanted Brittany to cum hard, like right now.
She was now going so hard that Brittany was moving up the bed, her head only inches from the headboard. Santana could feel the sweat building up on her back. She was breathing heavily and her arms were a little tired. Not enough to stop though. Not when Brittany threw the pillow away and pulled her down by the back of her neck, smashing their tongues together.
"You feel so good." It sounded a lot like a whine. Like the thought of how good Santana was making her feel had Brittany close to tears. "Fuck….fuck…you feel….fuck you're so deep."
"Am I filling you good?"
"So good." Brittany nodded, taking Santana's lip between her teeth. Santana groaned.
"Look at me."
Brittany opened her eyes. They took a second to focus on Santana's, because of how close she was.
"Yeeessss Santana" Brittany moaned, her eyes fluttering closed again. "I'm gonna cum so hard."
"Look at me." Santana said, stronger than before. As soon as Brittany's eyes found hers, Brittany was cuming. Her hands dropped to grip her hair, then went to grip Santana's waist as her hips jerked wildly. Her mouth dropped open, but Santana was quick to cover it with her hand before Brittany's very, very loud yell of "Fuuuuckkk" came spilling out. She kept her hips moving, inches from her own orgasm. She lowered her head to Brittany's houlder and continued to drive into her even as Brittany's violent shaking slowed. She was still shaking, still moaning into Santana's hand when Santana's second orgasm washed over her. Her hips moved in short, quick thrusts, trying to get as much friction against her clit while the orgasm lasted. Brittany kept her own hips moving up into her thrusts, which made Santana groan from somewhere deep, burying her head in Brittany's neck.
Then they both stilled. Brittany let out a deep breath, her hands moving from Santana's hips to her ass, and resting there.
Santana let herself relax, breathing heavily. She didn't even notice that she was falling asleep until Brittany rolled them to the side and pulled herself off the strap on.
"Take it off." She whispered, as Santana blinked her eyes open. Santana let her take it off, her body feeling like jelly.
"Let's go back to sleep."
"Okay." Brittany giggled, dropping the strap on to the floor and returning to Santana. "Only if you kiss me."
Santana smiled, leaning forward and kissing Brittany. She gently caressed her lips with her tongue, and then when Brittany's snaked out to meet her, she opened her mouth just a little wider to let it in. Brittany pulled back quickly.
"This is not sleeping."
"I missed you." Santana shrugged.
Brittany smiled, nuzzling Santana's neck and placing a soft kiss there. "I missed you too."
Waking up the second time was nowhere near as blissful as the first. In fact it was the complete opposite. Before Brittany had even opened her eyes, she found herself falling to the floor, Santana landing hard on top her and knocking her head against the bedside table. Brittany herself had landed on something hard, feeling it dig into her sore muscles. They both groaned.
"I knew we were too close to the edge." Santana mumbled, gingerly getting off Brittany with one hand pressed to her forehead.
"Mum?"
The call that had woken them both up in the first place, sending them careening off the side of the bed, came a second time, this time louder.
Brittany couldn't respond. The breath had been knocked out of her when she landed, and the amount of pain she was in told her she'd hurt her back pretty badly. Groaning, she shifted to the right, pressing her head against the bottom of the bed and reaching back to pull whatever she had landed on from under her.
"Shit." Santana breathed, abandoning her head and crouching over her. Brittany let out a strained breath as she tossed the strap on aside and rolled back onto her back. "Are you okay?"
"Answer her." Brittany grumbled, her face screwed up in pain. "Before she comes in."
Though she still looked worried, Santana nodded and got up. She had just put on a shirt when the call came again.
"Mama? Mami?"
"Yeah?" Santana called. Brittany saw her slip on some underwear before disappearing out of her line of sight. The door opened a few seconds later.
"Morning." Sophia said, quite cheerfully considering it was in fact still morning.
"Good morning." Santana said back, sounding as confused as Brittany felt. "You're up early."
"Yeah" Sophia said. "We made you breakfast."
"Oh." Santana sounded surprised. Brittany tried to get up, felt a spasm run up her back and dropped back onto the floor, clutching the base of her back and biting her lip to keep from crying out. She let out her breath evenly. "Thank you. That's lovely honey, we'll be right down."
"'Kay…" a pause. "Where's mama?"
Brittany stiffened, afraid she'd be spotted on the floor. Naked.
"Already in the bathroom." She heard Santana reply. "Give us twenty minutes?"
"Sure."
"Oh Soph!" Santana called loudly. Brittany assumed Sophia had already been walking away. "Can you bring me some ice."
"Um…Okay….What do you need ice for?"
Santana's reply never came, but Sophia let out a quiet. "Okay, I'm getting it." Just before the door clicked shut. Brittany could imagine the look Santana had given her in leu of an answer. A raised eyebrow, eyes narrow, lips probably pressed into a thin line. She smiled.
"Britt." Santana appeared above her. "You're still on the floor, that means it's bad."
Brittany nodded.
"Hurts a lot."
"Okay, lay on your stomach let me see."
Brittany instantly cringed. She could barely move to get the strap on out, how was she going to roll all the way over.
"I'm okay like this."
"Baby…" Santana said gently. "You're going to have to move to put ice on it anyway." Brittany sighed in defeat. "Come on, I'll help you."
It took them several minutes to get Brittany onto her stomach. They had to keep stopping to give Brittany a minute to breathe. By the time they were done, Brittany was almost in tears.
"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry my love." Santana cooed, gently rubbing Brittany's upper back. "It's red, and this part looks swollen." She traced her finger lightly over a section in the middle of Brittany's back, near her spine. It made Britany squirm, which made her back twinge with pain. She hissed. "Sorry." Santana's hand retracted. "Crap, this is all my fault."
There was a knock at the door.
"I got the ice."
Santana got up, Brittany didn't even attempt to check. She was scared of moving any muscles in her back at all. She just laid still, waiting patiently for Santana to return.
"I don't know what to do here." Santana said as she knelt beside her. "Should I…What should we do? Ice then deep heat, or deep heat and then ice."
"One or the other." Brittany said into the floor. She was resting her forehead in the crook of her elbow, trying to breathe as deep as possible, to test how much she could expand her chest before it hurt her back. "I don't feel like I want you to touch my back right now, let alone massage it so…"
"So ice." Santana said. There was some movement, and Brittany wasn't sure what was happening, but then she felt Santana's knees up against her ribs. "Okay. It's in a dish cloth, but it'll still be cold. Tell me when you're ready."
"I'm ready, just do it."
Brittany clenched her fits, counting in her head to prepare herself for the cold. When it came, she nearly jumped, but managed to stop herself by clenching her stomach muscles. She let out a long breath and relaxed. Her back felt better almost instantly.
"I'm really sorry BeeBee."
"Don't be. It's already less painful. Besides it's not your fault."
"I landed on top of you." Santana said, and Brittany could hear the despair in her voice. She decided to risk it and turned her head quickly to the side, so she could see Santana. Her eyebrows were pinched together in a worried frown, her teeth nibbling at her bottom lip as she stared at Brittany's back guiltily.
"Santana."
Santana's eyes flicked to meet hers.
"I could have just as easily landed on you. Would you think it was my fault you were hurt?"
Santana's eyes flicked to the bed quickly before she shook her head.
"Exactly."
"But….But I knew it. I knew it, I knew it."
"Knew what?" Brittany frowned.
"That we were too close to the edge. I realised when we were….earlier." She huffed, waving her hand.
"When you woke me up for glorious sex?" Brittany smirked.
"Exactly, I woke you up. We were in the middle of the bed and this wouldn't have happened, but I woke you up and then I saw we were too close to the edge and I didn't move us. I didn't want to stop and move us and now…" Santana looked at Brittany's back desperately, looking like she might burst into tears.
Brittany was beginning to wonder if she should be more concerned about Santana than she was. Jade told her she'd been crying all week in the studio, Kyler told her she looked like she'd been crying when she'd picked him from school one day, last night she'd burst into sudden tears in the middle of their argument and now Santana had tears in her eyes over Brittany's injured back. It didn't make any sense. Even when she was on her period Santana was not this emotional. She got angry, she was cranky and if she wasn't either of those things she was overly affectionate. But crying…no Santana only cried when she was drunk, which Brittany knew she couldn't possibly be right now.
It made her think something was really wrong.
She moved to get up, completely forgetting her injured back. Thankfully, it didn't spasm like the previous time, instead she just felt a searing pain, like a muscle pull or a cramp.
"Don't move." Santana gently pushed against her shoulders until she was back against the floor.
"Santana…what's going on?"
Brittany saw her resume biting her lip out of the corner of her eye.
"I just…I hate that I hurt you."
"You didn't hurt me. Gravity and a piece of very hard plastic hurt me."
"Yeah. Another one of my great ideas." Santana mumbled.
"Okay if you are about to start apologising for fucking me with a strap on I'm going to have to stop you there." Santana's eyes widened as she looked down at Brittany. "Do you really think I would have preferred you not to wake me up for sex? For the seriously hot, out of nowhere sex that ended with me so satisfied I needed a nap?" she saw a smirk trying to fight it's way onto Santana's face.
"But your back…"
"Is fine. It's already better, I can move and everything." Brittany wiggled her hips. She hadn't been sure she could, but she didn't feel pain. Only a light strain.
Santana finally smiled, shaking her head, but Brittany could see she was still skeptical.
"Seriously baby I would rather fall on a strap on every morning than have you get the idea that waking me up for sex is a bad thing. Or wanting to stop in the middle of it to tell me to move away from the edge."
That had Santana chuckling.
"Okay." She said, shifting the ice just a bit to the left. Brittany moaned softly, feeling her back relax even more. "You're really okay?"
"I will be. It might be a bit sore for a day or two but…I should be fine enough to walk after another round of ice."
"Okay."
"What about you? Did you get hurt?"
Santana's hand moved to her forehead, like she was just remembering that she'd hit it. Brittany saw her flinch even as Santana quickly tried to hide it.
"You did."
Santana shook her head. "It's fine." She dropped her hand. "Not even a bump."
"You should ice it so it stays that way."
"That's dramatic." She rolled her eyes.
Brittany took a deep breath, counted to three, and then pushed herself up. The pain was magnificent. Not crippling, but enough to force Brittany to bite down on her tongue. Her back muscles shook in protest as she moved onto her knees.
"What the hell are you doing?" Santana shrieked, her hands moving to Brittany's sides to steady her.
"If you're not icing your head, I'm not icing my back." She said through clenched teeth.
"What?" Santana scoffed. Brittany stared pointedly at her. "Brittany that's-" Holding her breath once again, Brittany tried to push off her knees to stand. Her back didn't appreciate this at all. This time she did cry out as her back spasmed from the spot Santana had traced earlier with her finger all the way up to the base of Brittany's neck.
"Okay, okay!" Santana caught her as Brittany's body slumped. "I'll ice my head alright, just lie down."
"And take some Tylenol."
Rolling her eyes, Santana nodded. "And I'll take some Tylenol."
Brittany let out a sigh, allowing Santana to guide her back onto the floor.
"What the hell was that?" Santana asked angrily, placing the ice back on top of Brittany and pressing just a little harder than before.
"Ah." Brittany hissed.
"Are you trying to actually pull something?"
"I wanted you to take care of yourself, since I can't do it right now."
"Why didn't you just say that" Santana asked, throwing her free hand up in agitation. "You can barely lift your head but no…no you decide you're going to get up and walk."
"I didn't feel like arguing the point." Brittany said, feeling the tension in her back slowly start to release. "You should know by now….I don't play around when it comes to you Santana."
Santana waited until the ice had completely melted before getting up again. She slipped into some pants, and helped get Brittany into some as well, before draping a sheet over Brittany's exposed back and heading downstairs.
Her kids had made her breakfast. Had she forgotten that fact? Maybe, but Brittany was in a lot of pain, and usually Brittany liked to play off her injuries. She liked to pretend she wasn't hurt because she didn't like to worry people. So when she wouldn't get off the floor, Santana knew it was bad. She hadn't really been paying much attention to her conversation with Sophia, truth be told, so it wasn't even that she'd forgotten that her kids had made her breakfast, it was that she hadn't fully stored that information to begin with. In her mind, she was going downstairs to get more ice for Brittany's back.
So it was a real shock when she walked into the kitchen. She'd been looking down at the cloth in her hands, which she was untying as she weaved around the island towards the sink. She was just beginning to twist it, to wring out the water before she could fill it with ice, when from the corner of her eye she saw the dining table laid out with food, cups of coffee, different kinds of syrup, jam, butter and flowers. All four of her kids were smiling up at her proudly.
"Morning loves." She said, walking towards them and taking in all the food. "What's the occasion?"
"Nothing." Kyler said, moving the vase he had been setting down into the centre of the table.
"Nothing?" she chuckled, finally looking away from the food to look at her kids. "But we only ever eat dinner in the dining room."
"We thought it would be nice." Jesus said.
"We might have also made too much food to set on the island." Sophia said sheepishly.
Santana had to laugh. Mateo came running up to her, jumping into her arms. Brushing his hair back, she kissed his head, then his cheek.
"Will you tell me what this is really about?" She whispered. She'd been joking really, since she was more than happy to believe that her kids were just so sweet they decided to make her breakfast for no reason. But Mateo looked nervously towards his siblings, and she caught Sophia shaking her head, which told her there actually was a reason they just weren't telling her.
"It's just a happy Sunday." Mateo said, bouncing in her arms.
"Mmhh." She said skeptically, putting him down. "Did you guys do something bad?"
"No mum." Jesus shook his head, walking towards her. "We just missed you."
"And we thought waking up to a huge breakfast would make you happy." Sophia said.
Now that sounded a little more truthful, but it also made Santana a little nervous, though she didn't know why. Deciding to let it go, she beckoned the other three kids to her, wrapping them all up in a hug kissing each of their heads.
"You were right," she said simply, giving them a huge smile to show just how much she liked this. "This did make me really, really happy."
"Where's mama?" Kyler asked. "Everything's getting cold."
Knowing that telling them the truth would make her life infinitely easier today, Santana handed Sophia the cloth and tried to speak as casually as possible.
"Mama and I had…a…A bit of an accident this morning."
"What kind of accident?" Sophia asked quickly, looking more worried than Santana thought was necessary.
"Nothing serious." She said, brushing her hand over Sophia's hair. "Well…A little serious but not too serious. Mama and I just fell out of bed."
Kyler and Jesus cracked up instantly. Sophia looked relieved.
"It's not funny!" Mateo said, stomping his foot. "I fell out of the bed once and I hurt my head."
"I hurt my head too mijo." Santana said, pointing to her forehead.
"It is a little red." Kyler said, squinting at her.
"Is mama okay?" Mateo asked.
"She's gonna be okay, she just hurt her back a little and needs some ice and lots of rest."
"I'll get the ice." Sophia nodded, walking back into the kitchen.
"How did you fall out of bed?" Jesus asked, still giggling.
"Yeah your bed is huge." Kyler said.
"Well…I guess we slept a little too close to the edge."
"Sometimes when you're not paying attention you just roll and roll and roll until plop! You fall right off." Mateo said knowingly. "That happened to me one time, when I was rolling on my bed with my toys. We were playing tag and general Octo almost got me so I had to roll away quickly and then I just fell."
"How did he almost get you if he's a toy and can't mov-"
Santana quickly slapped Jesus' shoulder, cutting him off and shaking her head. She hated it when the older kids killed Mateo's imagination like that. Especially since they were all the same way when they were his age.
"And one time mama was tickling me, and I was trying to get away, and the same thing happened I just toppled all the way to the ground."
"I remember that." Santana said, booping his nose. "You nearly gave mama a heart attack."
"But I didn't hurt myself that time." Mateo said proudly. "Were you and mama tickling each other and that's why you fell?"
Santana coughed, pretending to clear her throat. None of her kids had ever really asked her any questions about sex. She and Brittany were always really good about keeping that part of their relationship away from them, not because it would be awkward to talk about, which it would, but because she didn't want her kids thinking about sex any time soon. Not until they were having those kind of feelings themselves.
It was why they had taught them boundaries when it came to their room as soon as possible. They hadn't wanted to be one of those parents whose kids walk in on them doing the nasty, scarring them forever. So as soon as they could, they taught their kids to always knock before entering, unless it was an emergency. At first Santana had been afraid that putting this boundary would be telling their kids they weren't welcome in their room, or that she wasn't available for them 24/7, but Brittany had assured her that as long as they did it right, just like with sleep training, the kids would be fine.
She knew from experience what having prior information about the more intimate side of relationships did to one's innocence. Her older cousins had kept her and Miguel well informed on what it meant to date, and answered all the questions they could think of, sometimes volunteering information they didn't even know to ask about. When she was younger, like Mateo, she hadn't cared too much. It was just another thing to learn, like numbers and animals. It didn't really mean anything to her. When she was older, like Sophia and the twins, she had been disgusted. She hadn't wanted to even entertain the idea of having a boyfriend because why would she want to put her lips on someone else? Let alone see them naked. She found the entire concept too gross to want to participate in. But then, when she was old enough for the information to be relevant, somewhere around her fourteenth birthday, she was more aware than most of her classmates, of what was soon going to be expected of her. She understood that the older kids, the juniors and seniors who were dating each other, were having sex with each other. It was what people who were dating did.
So she never got to have the kind of silly relationships where all you did was sit together at lunch. Where holding hands was the most exciting thing in the world. She never got to feel the importance of the first kiss, the weight of it, the innocent nerves of it and the excitement that came with getting to say she'd been kissed. She didn't have that because she always knew what was yet to come. There was nothing exciting about holding hands because sex was the big thing. It was something that she started doing because it's what people did when the time came and you were in a relationship, not because her body was compelling her to do it. The only time she'd felt the pull to do more than just hold hands and kiss was with Brittany and even then, they'd worked backwards. Sex came first, and then the excitement of holding hands followed. But having sex with Brittany had been a natural urge. Something she couldn't fight even though she'd really wanted to.
She wanted that for her kids. She wanted to answer their questions, or have the talk with them when they were old enough for it to matter. When they could apply the information to what they were feeling, not to what they were one day supposed to feel.
So she removed all notes of awkwardness from her voice, even adding a touch of amusement so that none of her kids picked up on the fact that maybe there was something she and Brittany were doing that she didn't want to talk to them about.
"No amor." She ran her hands through Mateo's messy curly hair, pulling his head back a bit so he was looking up at her. "We weren't tickling each other. We were just sleeping a little too close to the edge."
Brittany managed to hobble down the stairs just before all the kids went to change for school. They were once again late, but Santana couldn't bring herself to care. While the kids were upstairs, Santana helped Brittany settle on the couch, with pillows piled behind her to support her back.
"Baby are you sure you don't want me to stay?"
"Yes, go into the studio Santana, you have a song to write."
Santana sighed heavily. Brittany frowned, reaching out to cup her cheek.
"Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
Santana looked at her. "I'm just feeling a lot."
"Feeling a lot of what?"
"Feelings."
"Santana."
Santana turned her head, kissed Brittany's palm and stood up.
"You know how emotional writing can be. But don't worry, it'll pass."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Licking her lips, Santana made sure to keep eye contact with Brittany, wanting her to believe her next words.
"I'll be okay B."
"Okay." Brittany shifted slightly, grimaced, then relaxed back against the pillows. "Call me at lunch?"
"You know it." Santana leaned down and kissed her. "Don't strain your back."
The kids came running down the stairs with Mateo whinning loudly.
"I'm not sitting at the back, that's not fair."
"You were the slowest Niki, fair is fair." Sophia said.
"Noooo!" Niki cried.
"Don't!" Jesus hissed, clasping his hand over Mateo's mouth. "We all agreed remember?"
Santana and Brittany both frowned at them.
"What's going on?" Brittany asked.
Jesus let go of Mateo's mouth. He looked at Jesus, Kyler then Sophia, and shook his head.
"Nothing mama." He said.
"You sure?"
"He's sure." Kyler said, taking Mateo's hand. "Let's go to the car."
"By mama, feel better." Sophia called as they all walked out of the house.
"Do you get the feeling the're not telling us something?" Santana asked, turning back to Brittany.
Brittany nodded slowly. "But if it means we don't have to hear the constant arguments, I don't want to know whatever it is."
Santana chuckled, kissing Brittany again. "You're right."
When Santana got to the studio, there was instant feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. She hadn't been able to sing any of the songs they were working on without breaking down, and by day three it had officially pissed her off. She hadn't talked to Jade since she'd completely lost it on her and kicked her out, so she wasn't sure what she was walking in to. Malek hadn't said much, but that was almost worse. It was so embarrassing to constantly be crying in front of a stranger. She was sure he was judging her, probably trying to figure out how he can drop her.
"Everything okay?" Esther, one of the studio's other sound engineers asked as she walked past. Santana nodded. "We're all excited for what you're working on."
Santana knew Esther was trying to be nice. She was letting Santana know that there were people rooting for her. But all it did was increase her anxiety. It reminded her that there were people waiting on this ulbum, and if it wasn't amazing, that was the end of her career.
"Thanks Esther." She said, forcing a smile. "I better" she pointed at the studio door. "Go in there…"
"Course. See you later."
Santana pushed open the door, her jaw clenched tight, to find only Malek sitting there.
"And here she is." He said.
Santana frowned, but kept her jaw clenched tight. She dropped her bag in the corner, took off her jacket and set it on the back of one of the chairs, then walked to couch and dropped onto it.
"Where's Jade."
"She's not coming."
A flash of panic shot through Santana. Had she hurt Jade so badly that she quit?
"I told her not to come in."
Santana sighed in relief.
"But that panic you just felt, that's what you're going to keep feeling until you pull yourself together."
Santana rolled her eyes. "Can we just work on the song?"
"No. Tell me what's going on."
"I'm emotional, whatever." Santana crossed her arms. "Doesn't mean I can't write."
"What's the point of writing songs you're never going to be able to perform?"
"I'll cross that bridge-"
"No." Malek cut her off, standing up. "Santana you're an amazing performer and I respect the hell out of you, but unlike the rest of the band I am not your friend. I barely know you, and I suspect that's why I was brought onto this album. Now I can tell from Jade's reaction that this isn't how you normally are, so I'm going to ask you again. What's going on?"
Santana narrowed her eyes, looking up at Malek.
"If we're not friends, why should I tell you?"
"Because you clearly need to tell someone. Sometimes talking to a stranger is easier."
Santana shook her head, dropping her eyes to her lap.
"I don't talk about this."
"That-"
"If you're going to tell me that's the exact problem just save it. I've heard it from my wife, from my therapist and my parents. I am sick and tired of people telling me how I should cope with what-" she broke off. "With everything."
Malek raised his eyebrows, clearly curious, but thankfully he didn't ask. Instead he sat down on Santana's right.
"Look I don't know about your personal life….my only business is what goes on in this studio. And in this studio, you not talking about whatever it is, actually is the exact problem. You're clearly thinking about it, and you want to write about it, but you don't talk about it, so how can you sing about it?"
Santana turned to look at him, frowning.
"What?"
"Your mind knows that you never talk about….whatever it is. You probably don't even let yourself think about it do you?"
Santana shook her head. "I try not to."
"Well…now you're writing a song about it, but you can't bring yourself to say the words. Why? Because your mind knows you're not supposed to. It's a forbidden topic, even for yourself."
"So…what? If I tell you what it is, I'm magically going to stop crying?"
Malek shrugged. "Probably not." He admitted, which confused Santana. "Not right away at least. But maybe, slowly, the studio will feel like a safe enough place for you to let yourself sing about it, cause you've already talked about it in here."
Santana thought about this. She wanted to move past this stage of crying every time she stepped up to the mic, and she needed to move past this so she could get the album done in time, but she didn't think she could talk about her grandmother. Again. She'd made the decision to keep her abuela out of her life, and talking about her would bring her back in.
"I've spent enough time and energy talking about…about it." She finally said. "Maybe I should just scrap everything and find some new inspiration for the album."
"First of all we don't have that kind of time, and second…" Malek stood up. "You didn't strike me as a coward."
"Excuse me?"
"You don't want to face your feelings?" Come on! How do you think the most infulencial songs and albums were created? How do you think poets and artists became legends?"
"I never said I want to be a legend."
"Now you're just lying."
"Look you don't know me!" Santana stood up. "You come in here, basically a made-in-India Bob Marley wannabe, and act like you know anything about me or what I need or what I want. You don't. I wrote and recorded all my previous albums without your help, and I can do this one without you too. You're not special. You're not doing me any favours, in fact being associated with me is probably the biggest you'll ever get. Out of the two of us I'm the only one who actually has any fame. How many awards have you won again? That's right none. So maybe, stop the Dr Phil act, take your seat behind the drums and shut up."
Malek crossed his arms over his chest, watching Santana with a blank expression. The longer he remained silent, the more irritated Santana got, mostly because she was slowly calming down from her outburst enough to feel the beginning of shame. She turned to walk out of the room, wanting to put as much distance between herself and the studio as possible, when Malek's voice stopped her.
"Do you feel better?"
Santana felt her shoulders slump. No, she didn't feel better. She felt worse, because now not only had she gone off on Jade, she'd done it to Malek too.
"Santana, the studio…your music, is supposed to help you channel whatever you're feeling. You're only spiralling like this because you won't let the music do it's work."
She turned to face him.
"I don't talk about this."
"So you said."
Santana sighed. "I'm sorry."
"For calling me Indian or a wannabe?"
Santana closed her eyes shaking her head.
"Both."
"I'm Pakistani."
"I know. That's exactly why I said it." Santana nodded. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine. You told me when we first met that I needed to have thick skin."
Santana sat back down on the couch, running her hand through her hair.
"I'm a bitch."
"I already knew that."
That got her smiling.
"Okay." She said. "Tell me the truth, do you think the songs so far are good enough for my comeback album?"
"I think the songs so far are exactly what a comeback album is supposed to be. Honestly," he tilted his head. "I think this could be your best album yet."
Santana took a deep breath, steeling herself.
"I'll tell you what it's about then."