The Young Ones

Chapter 12: Severus and Arthur

Severus was wandering around the Manor, trying to find Arthur. He didn't know why, really. But he needed to make sure that Arthur was okay… well, of course he's not okay, but… He sighed, unsure of anything really. Other than the fact that he and Arthur both felt the same torturous pain of losing a child.

Yes, Severus' child may not have truly been lost, but Severus thought he was. For sixteen years he had thought that his precious baby boy was dead. And despite the fact that Harry was now here, alive, and within Severus' reach, it still hurt. The pain was still there.

Even the freshly forming bond between the two of them didn't ease the pain any. It just made Severus ache with longing for all the years and things he had missed.

He found Arthur sitting against the tree by the lake that he had found him and Harry at the other day. His knees were pulled to his chest and he was staring unseeingly into the distance as tears flowed down his red cheeks. Severus felt a pang of pain and understanding in his heart as he slowly made his way towards the man and sat next to him quietly, not knowing what to say, if anything.

So he just remained quiet, staring into the distance himself as he waited for… something. Anything really. For his whirling mind to come up with something to say. For Arthur to say something. He really didn't know.

Merlin, why was everything so fucked up?

"Is the meeting over?" Arthur whispered, his voice shaking slightly.

"Just about," Severus said, his voice as gentle as he could manage considering his own turbulent emotions, "Tom is setting Amelia up with an emergency portkey, and they are making arrangements to go to Gringotts and get her some protective jewellery,"

Arthur nodded.

"I… I told them… I told my boys, even Percy came because Charlie went to get him," Arthur said, looking at his knees, "I had to send them away after because I couldn't… I couldn't handle their reactions on top of my own, you know?"

"That's understandable," Severus said, unsure of what else there was to say to that.

"I-I… Bloody hell, it hurts. It hurts to look at them and know that… that they were created from something that was so completely against me, you know? I love them so bloody much, but it hurts. And it hurts to know that they wouldn't even be here without w-what happened before then. Without… They're all so bloody brilliant, talented, smart, wonderful. And they shouldn't even be here. They shouldn't be here. And it hurts. And I hate that it hurts to look at my own children. Because of her. I hate her. I HATE HER," Arthur choked on a sob as he leaned his head back against the trunk of the tree.

"She will be punished, Arthur," Severus said.

He really was rather useless at comforting people. He had never really had the chance to practise. He was always so alone.

Arthur scoffed, "Will she, though? Everything seems so against us at the moment. Like it's everyone in this home against the bloody world," he said, an angry tinge to his voice before he sighed and relaxed slightly, "How did you do this, Severus? How did you live with this pain every day for sixteen years? I had maybe a week… I don't know, everything's a bit of a mess… before I was obliviated. I had thought, once I got my memories back, that I could just survive without remembering, and I managed somewhat okay for a few days and then it started pounding its way through my skull, on a loop… Molly hitting me with that bloody spell… waking up in the hospital being told that… being told that my little girl was dead… holding her… being told I would never bear a child again… and then… nothing for however many years," he chuckled derisively, "I can't even function enough mentally to figure out how old she would be… I hate myself," he whispered the last part with such pain in his voice that Severus thought he was going to shatter himself.

"I…" Severus trailed off, unsure of what to do or say because what could he say? How could he help this amazing man who didn't in any way deserve this kind of pain when he hadn't healed himself?

"Arthur, I haven't been living. I… I was surviving, sure, but living is entirely different and I don't think I will be living for a while, if ever… Losing your child, i-it's the worst pain there is, by my reckoning, anyway. I would have happily taken a thousand cruciatus curses if it meant I would have my baby back. It's unbearable. Especially when you're alone. I've always been alone, I only really had Lily and Regulus but Lily left me during our fifth year, and Regulus died when I was pregnant. The Malfoys are my friends, I suppose, but, well, you know how they can be. And watching Draco grow up hurt more than anything because my baby boy was meant to be growing up, too. And he wasn't. At least, I didn't think he was. And then I would go to work, and watching all those children, protecting them, also hurt. But especially when Harry's year started, because my baby should have been there, too. He was, I know that now, but I didn't then. And it hurt that I didn't get to watch him be Sorted, as himself, or help him with his school troubles, or be proud of him, or anything that parents do. Not that I really know what parents are meant to do since I never got the chance to be one, and my own parents weren't shining examples. But I had known how I wanted to raise him, to love him, to protect him. And I couldn't do it, because he was gone,

"Even knowing that he hadn't really died hurts, possibly more so. Because I should have been able to do all those things with him. I should have been able to have my baby. He should have gone home with me. Me. His mum. But I was handed a dead baby instead, and told that it was my son, and my bearer instincts were blocked so I believed them. And I hate myself for believing them. He was healthy when he was born. I held him when he was born, and he was fine. And then he was dead a few hours later for no reason that they could give me but I went along with it. I played into the bloody game. And I loathe myself for it,

"I missed out on sixteen years of his life. Most of his firsts are done now, and I missed them all. I feel so useless, and terrible… And I know when some of my grandchildren will be born, and it all seems too fast because I shouldn't… I shouldn't even be thinking about grandchildren yet, right? I'm thirty six. But I have four here, and I love them all so much. But I just want Harry. I just got my baby back and I feel like I need to let him go all over again, and it's killing me. I want so bloody desperately to be able to turn back the clock and stop myself from believing the bloody healers so I can get my son back and raise him. I just want my baby. I want a family. I want to live. But I can't because everything hurts too much," he was crying but he didn't care.

Arthur was crying too, and Severus was shocked when the older man leant against his side. Though he didn't mind it. They were both grieving the loss of their babies. The loss of their families. The loss of the lives they had wanted to build with the people they loved.

"Harry still needs you, you know," Arthur said gently after a few moments when the only sounds had been the sounds of nature and their sniffles, "He needs you to be by his side when he has his children, and when he and Tom eventually get bonded, and every other day. He will never not need you, Severus. You are his mother. And you are doing a wonderful job so far, from what I have seen anyway. And maybe, when the kids go home, you and he can go away for a little while, to spend some time alone together?"

"That sounds good," Severus muttered.

"You aren't alone anymore, Severus,"

"Neither are you, Arthur,"

Arthur nodded against Severus' shoulder.

"And yet I feel so terribly alone," Arthur whispered.

"Same," Severus whispered back, leaning against Arthur, twining their fingers together because, Merlin, he needed something to ground him.

Though he tried to ignore the warmth that spread throughout him, especially as Arthur squeezed his hand comfortingly.

"I didn't even get to give birth to her," Arthur said, his voice quivering, "Not properly. They had to cut her out of me because I was unconscious, and there was too much blood loss, and," he shivered, "I wasn't even allowed that moment with her. Her first moments in the world, even if she was… and I wasn't even awake for them. And she wasn't even there, straight away, when I woke up. She wasn't in the room. I just saw and felt that she wasn't in me anymore and I panicked and Fabian had to try and calm me down but he was crying, and I was crying, and he had to tell me she… That she hadn't made it. As if my magic didn't feel her die the second the spell hit me, though I had forgotten that until she was placed on my chest. She was so tiny… so tiny, and fragile… like she would break at any second… I had only just started feeling her move and kick a few days previous, and… she was no longer moving,

"I should have protected her. I should have protected myself better. I… We didn't tell Molly, because we knew how she was about me. But we never thought that if she did find out she would… That she would hurt me so badly, or at all really. She said she loved me. So why would she hurt me like that? Hurt my baby like that? An innocent life. Why would she… Why would she force me to love her? I… I don't want to love her. I hate her. I hate her. I HATE HER,"

Severus didn't know what to do to help him. Because he hadn't been able to help himself mostly. But also because he was never any good with emotions. Regulus had helped him, and when he had found out he was pregnant with Harry he had thought that he could do it. That he could learn to be a mum, a good mum hopefully, so long as he had Regulus by his side. He had wanted a child, a family, for so long, and he finally had it in his grasp. They were both so happy.

Then Regulus had died. He still didn't know how Regulus had died, he just knew that his body had turned up in the Ministry, badly hurt and looking as if he had been drowning, after he had been missing for a week.

Everything had seemed so dark and bleak after that.

Everything apart from Harry.

His little boy was the only thing keeping him going.

Until he wasn't there anymore either.

"After… Before I left the hospital a healer told me… I think she was trying to help but I was far too emotional, too devastated, too destroyed to really pay attention to it at the time. And whenever I thought of it since then it just… But she told me that our babies… Our-our babies never truly leave us. When we fall pregnant, it's the same with witches and muggle women, but when we… When we get pregnant the baby's DNA, and in the case of wixen, little traces of their magic, will help us. Their DNA will help to heal our bodies. Mostly just little things we don't know are wrong with us, like if an organ isn't working perfectly then the DNA will help to fix it. It could be something incredibly minor, but in any case, our baby is healing us, fixing us. That is why a lot of women, and bearers, feel stronger during pregnancy. Because our baby is helping to make us stronger,

"So… So when our baby is no longer in us, whether because of… loss, or you have given birth to a healthy baby, that little bit of DNA, and magic, that helped to heal us is still there. In our bodies. Our babies are still in us, Arthur. Your daughter never left you. Not fully,"

And they broke down, clinging to each other as if they were a life line, and perhaps they were.

Severus didn't know how long they were there for when he caught a flash of blue appearing next to them and turned to find a Patronus looking at him with desperation and pain in its eyes.

A Phoenix Patronus.

"Mum," Harry's voice said shakily through the beak of the phoenix, "Mum, I need you. I'm in my room and… It hurts, mum, I need you, please,"

Severus was up like a flash, "Sorry, Arthur, I-" he noticed that Arthur was next to him, and blinked in shock, although perhaps he shouldn't have.

It wasn't entirely shocking that Arthur was running to Harry's bedroom as fast as he was.

They burst through the door, both worried beyond belief, to find Harry on his bed, curled up on his side, tears running down his cheeks, shaking, and yet also looking incredibly stiff as he struggled to move. Severus ran over to his baby boy and sat next to him.

"Harry, what's going on?" Severus asked, more worried than he had ever been in his life.

"It hurts,"

"What does?" Severus asked as Arthur sat on the other side of Harry and passed Severus his potion's bag.

"Everything. My bones, joints, muscles. Everything," Harry cried, "Apparently all my adrenaline has been used up again," he whispered.

Severus ran his wand over his son, casting a diagnostic charm to see what was going on. His heart aching at the sight of his baby in pain.

"Harry, baby, I think we are going to need to mend your bones now, okay? Then we can get you started on those bone strengthening potions as soon as possible," Severus said.

"Okay," Harry said shakily, "What do we need to do first?"

"We… We will need to do the bad breaks first, since you can't mix the skele-gro with a pain reliever. It will take a while to re-grow all the bones I need to remove, and it will feel weird, though I suppose you already know that after the incident in your second year with that bumbling idiot," Severus shook his head.

"Will you stay with me?" Harry whispered.

Last time he had had no one with him. And Merlin did it hurt to re-grow his bones in his arm.

"Always," Severus said, leaning down and kissing Harry's forehead gently.

"Okay," Harry nodded and turned, slowly, painfully, to lay flat on his back without needing to be told to do so.

Severus ran his wand over his son again with a charm that allowed him to see all the breaks clearly in a golden hologram of his skeleton which appeared above Harry. Harry looked up at it in awe and shock, thoroughly distracted as Severus determined the ones that needed to be removed and re-grown.

Then he started removing them. The bones in his baby's arms and legs that were badly mis-healed. There was a rib also that he hesitated over before carefully removing it.

Harry was just lying there, looking up at the hologram, trying not to think about it. But Severus could see the fear in his tear filled eyes also, and it hurt.

Severus helped Harry to drink the correct amount of skele-gro to re-grow his bones. Then he laid down next to Harry, on his side so he could see and comfort his little boy.

He smiled slightly when he saw Arthur lay down on Harry's other side.

Harry started whimpering as the potion kicked in and started to work and Severus held his hand gently, moving in closer to his baby boy.

"It's okay, baby. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I'll never let you go again, I promise. Never again. I am going to stay with you, through everything. You are the most important, special, amazing person in my world, and I'm so sorry that I let them take you from me the first time. But it will never happen again. Never. I love you, more than every star in the sky. I always have, and I always will," Severus said gently, trying desperately not to cry again.

"It's not your fault, mum," Harry whispered, "You didn't know. I love you, too," Harry squeezed Severus' hand weakly and Severus lost his fight with his tears at those amazing words.

The words that he had longed to hear from his baby boy for the last sixteen years and was now hearing.

He would still blame himself, though. Always. He couldn't not blame himself. He had let himself be drugged to not feel his baby. He had let his baby be taken from him. He hadn't asked for more details. He had just accepted that his baby was suddenly dead. Even though he was born perfectly healthy.

He tried not to think about the battle warring in his mind and heart though as he tried to comfort his child. His little boy who was in so much pain that it killed Severus just a little bit more inside. Because he shouldn't have been in pain. He shouldn't have been abused. And he wouldn't have been, if he had just fought the potions, and the healers, and realised his baby was alive.

He could feel it now. Because he knew, and he was fighting the potions in his system to bond with his baby.

But he should have realised that something wasn't right when he was told his baby was dead. He should have fought.

He should have fought.

And with each cry of pain that Harry let out as his bones re-grew Severus hated himself just a little more, because his baby shouldn't be hurting like this.

He felt a warm hand on his arm and looked up to find Arthur looking at him with sad, worried eyes. Harry had fallen asleep, his hand gripping Severus' hand tightly and his forehead creased in pain.

"It's not your fault, Severus," Arthur said gently.

"He wouldn't be in this much pain if I realised that he wasn't actually dead. If I had fought against the bloody potions. If I…"

"It's not your fault," Arthur said firmly, "You had no reason to believe they were lying to you, Severus. We don't even know if the healers knew they were lying to you. They could have been manipulated, too. The babies could have been switched when no one else was present. We don't know. But none of this, none of Harry's pain, is your fault. And it never will be, Severus. You were put under strong potions. You had just given birth. You were tired, and hurting. And you had no reason to believe that anything could be amiss. Albus is the only one to blame for this situation. Not you. He is the one that stole Harry from you, made you believe he was dead. He is the one that took charge of Harry after James and Lily died and placed him in an abusive home. Not you. Never you,

"You have loved Harry since the day you found out you were pregnant with him. Even when you lost him you loved him. And you would have been the most amazing mother to him, Severus, I know it. And Harry knows it, too. Harry isn't the only one who has been hurt because he was stolen from you. You have been, too. And it isn't okay. None of this is okay. And Albus will be punished for his crimes, he will be. But it isn't your fault, Severus. And all of us will keep telling you that until you believe us, and even after then. It's not your fault,"

Why was it so hard to believe?

Hiya, how are you all?

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and didn't cry too much. Will Severus ever believe that it isn't his fault? Will Harry and Severus go away for a little while when the kids have left? Where will they go? What else is coming? I do wonder where this story is going to go ;) Let me know your thoughts, though, I love reading your comments.

Also, if I were to set up a Spotify and make playlists for all of my stories would anyone be interested? They would include songs that remind me of the story in some way, give away little easter eggs for what is to come in the story with some of their lyrics, or songs that just fit. It will be a very eclectic mix of songs because I listen to a variety of music. But I have so many songs that make me think of my stories and I want to share them, if people are interested anyway.

I also have a Facebook group called Maraudering_Paige which you are all welcome to join if you would like to and are able to. It is where we can talk about Harry Potter, fanfics, life, share memes, and more. It is also where I have an update schedule of sorts and will be keeping you up to date on what I am working on, both with original stories, fanfics, and with everything else I do and want to do. So if you are interested in joining then I am more than happy to accept you into the group.

I hope you are all having an amazing day!

Kind regards,

Paige xx