Lmao the nurse is cool.

I know we should have a ton of NPCs by now, but honestly a ton of them don't even matter because I have literally not talked to them since they arrived in my town (in game i mean) I guess I may mention them in passing? I dunno.

Armour: Platinum Greaves

Weapon: Platinum Bow (Fire Arrows); Arkhalis

Acc(9/11): Band of Regeneration, Radar, Sailfish Boots, Round Shield, Aglet, Rover Drive, Crown Jewel, Tsunami in a Bottle, Frog Leg

Health: (200/400)

"Oh, fucking hell what the fuck! Lay him over there!"

*Thunk*

The Terrarian went cross-eyed as he was carried in and rolled onto the tabletop. The hard surface impacted the back of his head and brought him out of his blood-loss induced daze. He blinked and glanced around, finding himself splayed out on the kitchen table of one of his houses. Judging by the light streaming in from the nearby window, The Terrarian guessed it was already late afternoon. Still, all the lamps had been lit and the fire in the Living Room was roaring away.

He relaxed and released a sigh of relief. It felt good to be home.

"Damn you, Guide! When you said you had a patient, I didn't expect you to bring me someone with two feet in the fucking grave! Fuck! You want him ready to go by tomorrow morning?! Hell I don't know if he'll even survive the night!"

A shrill voice rang in his ears. The Terrarian cringed internally and looked for the source of the disturbance. There were two people standing in his vision. One was The Guide, whose shirt was quite distastefully smeared in dried blood. He was conversing with an angry blonde woman with tremendous busts that threatened to pop straight out of her white blazer. The Terrarian had never seen her before and furrowed his brow. He began to sit up to question her when she grabbed his forehead and pressed it back against the table. Her palm was cold, but her words were fiery.

"Don't move, you little shit! You're the worst trauma patient I've ever seen - but fixing you is gonna pay my fucking rent. If you die on me, I'll string out your intestines!"

"...uh?"

What a thing to wake up to. The Terrarian glanced over to The Guide, who (per usual) proceeded to read his mind and answer his question.

"Just ...Listen to her, Slayer. She's a healer."

"..."

Being told what to do by somebody he'd just met it wasn't a great feeling, but he'd just been chewed up by a massive Desert Worm, so nothing felt good. In any case, he wasn't sure what all the fuss was about. Sure, his injuries looked a bit scary and everything stung, but somehow The Terrarian knew he would be alright in a day or so. He could already feel the deepest injuries slowly repairing themselves. Bone welding together. Sinew stitching itself up. If only these people would just leave him alone for a bit, he'd be perfectly fine.

"Slayer? Did you just call him 'Slayer'? Hah, bastard doesn't look like he's gonna do much more slaying after this."

She patted his cheek then clacked away before he could swat at her hand, offended.

"So what the fuck happened to you, huh? Is that a fucking tooth? Were you attacked by a dragon?!"

The feisty blond woman pointed angrily at a large fang sticking out of his thigh. Unhappy, he refused to answer her, but she didn't seem to mind his silence. Instead, she grabbed his knee and began crunching the bones together as she continued her meandering rant. Of all the discomforts he was currently enduring, her nagging was probably the foremost. It was even worse than The Guide's - who at least tried to make his incessant lectures interesting.

"Fine, don't tell me. I bet the two of you read one too many fairy tales and thought it'd be a good idea to try and slay a fucking dragon. This is what happens when you step out of line… dislocated fucking knees and a nice spiral fracture. Morons!"

She shook her head and continued her abrasive language as she worked. The Terrarian - who absolutely did not appreciate the verbal abuse - steeled himself and tuned her out. It would do him no good to retaliate against her fatigue-driven provocations. Clearly the woman was tired. There were dark circles beneath her eyes, and she looked frail and hungry - yet she moved with a professional deftness that assured The Terrarian she somehow knew what she was doing. She continued to mutter to herself, obviously lost in thought.

"Fucking dragons… last time I got a dragon case, I spent four bloody hours in the trauma department reconstiutiting the poor bastard's entire GI track. Even had to call one of those filthy mages to stick in a new spleen. Phew… alright, let's get started on this..."

There was a squelch and a sting as she peeled the hewn bandages from the over the hole in his stomach. Earlier, The Guide had removed the large tooth embedded there (The Desert Scourge had driven it clean through him) and bound him up as well as he could before teleporting them out of the desert. The Terrarian appreciated the effort, but clearly the healer didn't approve. She snapped on a pair of gloves and pulled out a small set of scissors, what appeared to be fishing line, and some large clamps - with which she immediately began attacking his innards with. He could feel the cold metal rooting around in his guts and was glad he didn't need to watch. He squeezed his eyes shut - occasionally wincing at the pinpricks of sutures in his abdominal cavity.

"Hmm… Healing already? You're a tough fucker, aren't you? My other dragon patient was stuck on life support for two weeks afterwards, but you look like you're doing just fine mid-op. Let me know if you can't breathe so I can stick a tube down your throat."

The Terrarian rolled his eyes dismissively and turned his attention to the ceiling, deciding he wanted nothing more to do with the fiery blonde woman. It was clear that whatever she was doing was good for him - considering he felt his organs repairing themselves much more quickly than when he was slung over The Guide's shoulder. As such, she was free to play around in his guts for as long as she wanted, granted she didn't engage him in conversation. He didn't like to talk, neither did he have an even passing interest in this woman.

"Hey, lady… who are you anyways? I've never seen a healer like you."

The Guide had other ideas and leapt at the opportunity to press the woman for answers. The Terrarian didn't even pretend to listen as the two began bickering over him.

"Me? I'm a nobody from the backwaters of buttfuck nowhere... And I'm not a healer, okay? Don't group me with those magicky hacks. I'm a nurse…"

The Terrarian sucked air through his teeth as the woman finished with his internal organs and began stitching the much more sensitive muscular layer. He could feel the fishing line sliding through his flesh and it made him grip the table and shiver. She paid him no mind and turned to The Guide with a haughty expression.

"Hm… No, I'll have to give myself a bit more credit than that. I'm not just a nurse… I am The Nurse. The best in the world. So good that even our dear dictator piece of shit wants me to work for him. So… that's how you will address me, Mister Guide."

At that, she began rapidly stripping off The Terrarian's grieves to get at the tooth embedded in his femur. He didn't like the idea of being undressed any further and reached out to stop her, but got a Karate chop in the wrist for his troubles. The Guide sniggered at him, before continuing his probing.

"Ah... King Yharim?"

The Nurse was entirely consumed by her task - wrestling with his trousers- and chatted to keep herself alert. Her voice dripped in sarcasm as she responded to The Guide's probings.

"Yes, Yes. The one and only. Our Lord and King. The blessed, peaceful and perfectly sane. He chased off his head mage, and now Yharim wants me to be in charge of his health? No fucking way. Why the hell do you think somebody like me, is out here on The Crimson border treating you two idiots?! I'd rather-..."

She froze abruptly, startled, as if she'd just let slip a great secret. The lamplight flickered over her face and illuminated the craven fear creeping in her eyes. There was the gritting of teeth as she cursed herself. She changed the grip on her scalpel and slowly turned to look at The Guide, who watched her knowingly from his end of the kitchen. He offered a warm smile. The kind that barely veiled an ulterior motive. The Terrarian hadn't a clue what sort of conflict these two chatterboxes were now engaged in, but he was glad he wasn't part of it. He was happy to lay there silently with two broken (albeit rapidly healing) knees and a worm tooth sticking out of his leg.

The Guide was the first to speak.

"Oh, Miss Nurse… running from the King is one thing. Just about everyone has been running from him in one way or another. But being chased by Yharim is something very, very different."

The Guide crossed his arms and spoke gently. The atmosphere grew colder and more hostile with every word he uttered.

"I'm no friend of the King, but neither am I his enemy. I am, however, an ally of those who are useful to me. While you continue to fix My Slayer, please, tell me more. Who are you?"

Nobody moved for a long, long moment. The Nurse was fain to disclose anything further about herself, and was clearly pondering The Guide's words. With a sharp breath she turned back towards The Terrarian, and - with deft movements, fastened a bandage uncomfortably tightly around his leg. She stared at the worm tooth, not making eye contact with The Guide as she spoke. Her voice had changed drastically, growing low and nervous.

"... The Merchant. He said you were some sort of Devil. I guess he was right after all."

The Guide blinked but didn't respond. The smile had fallen off his face. The Nurse scoffed.

"But… even if you're a Devil, you're certainly not as terrifying as the King. I want nothing more than to flee from that Tyrant. I cannot serve that murderer. It goes against everything I am. I was willing to risk my life to run, so naturally I'm willing to work as well."

"Okay, but who are you? Do I want you to work for me?"

There was a moment where The Nurse didn't answer. She poked a few times at the tooth buried in The Terrarian's thigh, bringing him back from the brink of nodding off. Then, without warning, she grabbed it and yanked it out. There was a cracking noise as the serrated edge was wrenched from the bone. The pain was substantial and he jolted before squeezing his eyes shut and uttering a muffled groan. The sensation was only amplified when The Nurse stuffed the wound with gauze and sat her entire body weight on it.

She twirled the tooth about her fingers like a baton, then jabbed it at The Guide to punctuate her words. Her confidence had returned and she spoke with a sting in her voice - not the The Terrarian was in any state to notice.

"It's an interview then? Ha! It's been so long since I've had to sell myself. Fine then, listen up boss."

She flourished the worm tooth and poked herself in the chests with it.

"I am the ex-Head Physician at the Capital's Medical Institute. When things are too complicated for that bullshit healing magic, people come to me - granted they can pay, of course. When the nobility get sick, they come begging at my doorstep. Even though I haven't a drop of that dirty magic in my body, I'm a better 'healer' than all the mages combined. The best doctor the world has ever seen, don't believe me? Look at this piece of shit."

She reached over and slapped The Terrarian heartily on the stomach, offering him a disingenuous smile. The Terrarian frowned, but felt too beat up to rouse himself and offer resistance. After all, despite her exceedingly rough and rather painful methods, he recognized her treatment had been extremely effective… even if he felt absolutely violated afterwards.

"I love patients like you. Self-healing. Fantastic pain-tolerance. Tough as nails… I didn't even use anesthetic and you're still conscious after getting your bone split. You look human. Even your insides look human… but you're not. And that's fine. I don't give a flying shit. Your natural healing would have fixed you in about three days, but I'll have you up and running in half an hour."

She leaned in and cupped a hand secretively over her lips to whisper sinisterly at him.

"But next time you go fighting, please crack your skull open. I want to poke needles into your brain."

...

He felt a shiver run down his spine.

No thank you. The Nurse was still sitting on his leg, so he shoved her off and stooped to fetch his clothes and dress himself. There was still a great gash on his thigh, but it appeared that the worst of the damage had already healed while The Nurse was applying pressure. Everything else was more or less functional, and would likely repair itself tonight while he worked on a new set of equipment. The Desert Scourge had belched out a pouch of mysterious, almost decorative bone-like structures, and he was eager to go outside to see if he could make anything of it.

"Ah! Get back here, you fuck! I'm not done with you. Why are you running?!"

"Hey! Slayer - you're bleeding all over the floor!"

Well, actually he was just eager to go outside. Now that he was functional, he wanted nothing more to do with The Nurse, although he was almost certain he'd be knocking on her door each time he was injured in any meaningful capacity. As he fled out to the patio, he heard the two begin to bicker once more.

"Whatever. He walks, see? The best in the fucking world, right here. Good enough for you, Mister Devil? I'll take payment now. In addition to giving me the deed to this house, I'd also like some cash. Ten Gold should cut it."

"Ten Gold? To a fugitive of the King? Oh, Nurse. I'll admit you are fantastic at your craft, but nevertheless remain… (etc...)"

And thus, A new member was added to their strange little community. The Nurse, who in time would find she had fled from the service of one impossibly powerful tyrant, only to serve another.

Nurse: WHAI AR U RUNIN?

Slayer: *internal screaming*

Guide: *jealous because he also wants to get stripped naked and sat on*

Soooo... Slayer got bitten in the femoral artery. Arteries are like high pressure version of veins - and they tend to eb buried deeper in u, closer to ur bones. when you cut an artery it's hard for it to heal on it's own because there's blood gushing outta it. That's why Nurse applied a tourniquet (this is a tightly wound bandage) on his upper thigh to stem the blood flow. She also needed to apply pressure to keep blood loss to a minimum.

So she wasn't just being sassy. She was providing top notch medical treatment with the worst bedside manner possible.

Guide is engaged in a herculean struggle not to stare at her boobs