Hi everyone, I'm so sorry for the delay! We're nearing a finale! Thanks for sticking w/ me through all of this angst! You probably won't believe me, but I honestly thought this would be a fun/funny/light story. But season 6 fics, man…. Not sure they can be that! Maybe next time I'll land it w/ the angst-less fun fluff piece. But this one- I apologize lol. Your reviews are the best and I appreciate every single one.

Chapter 16

"This is the way you left me

I'm not pretending

No hope, no love, no glory…

No happy ending…

This is the way that we love, like it's forever
Then live the rest of our life, but not together…

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory, happy ending's gone forevermore…"

"Happy Ending" -Mika

B*B*B*B*B*B**B*B*B*B*B*B*B*B*B*B**B*B

The silence was deafening. Booth was gone and now… everything was changed. Everything was over. She'd never believed in happy endings – certainly not for herself. They were silly and trite. They were childish fairytales, and this was real life. She'd learned long ago that life was hard, and love was ephemeral.

Today, that reality suffocated her.

I'm mad at you.

I know what I want. You're the one who couldn't figure it out in time. You're the one who wasn't ready…

I found someone… I was finally happy…

You messed with my head.

Booth was gone. Jared had come and taken him away, thankfully. But a deafening silence buzzed in her ears. She felt like she'd just survived a car crash and was left to survey the damage. But as she took a deep breath, pressing a hand to her chest, she knew it was all internal damage. There was nothing to see on the outside. She looked whole. Her surroundings were untouched. Clean. Tidy. Perfect.

Her place told nothing of the destruction all around her.

Why had Booth come here on his wedding day? This day already felt like a nightmare. This was the beginning of their end. This was it. He would walk into his new life and she'd go in another direction. Alone.

Her heart was breaking. Every minute. Every day. The loss of him – of his partnership and unwavering friendship – weighed heavy on her chest already.

She knew she hadn't been ready. That day…

That day at the Hoover…

… She already knew that her walls had ruined her, had ruined the course of her life that she'd so loved being on. She knew that her differences had been the very thing that had led her to him to begin with – and now led her away from him to their end.

She knew she was broken. That she'd been wrong.

She even… she tried…

… she tried to tell him…

… and that had been wrong, too.

God, she couldn't do anything right! And Booth… he'd just made it all worse. It was one thing to think that she'd merely screwed up her own life and created her own unhappiness. It was entirely different to know that she'd hurt him when she'd opened up. "Messed with" him. She'd "gotten in his head" – she hadn't meant to do that. She hadn't meant to get in the way of his happiness now.

She just hadn't known what to do.

And now she knew that their friendship ending, their partnership… it was all her fault.

She'd kept quiet when she'd needed to talk and she'd opened her mouth when she'd needed to stay silent.

She never did the right thing. Not ever. Not when she was younger, trying to figure out how to make friends as a young girl. She'd never been good at that. Then, she'd been forced to figure out how to find her place in different settings because she'd been yanked out of her town, her school… she'd had to go to a new school. And kids were mean.

She was different and it had always seemed to stand in the way of her and the rest of the world.

I'm mad at you.

Bones… I'm so sorry.

She took a deep breath. "Don't be sorry, Booth. Just… move on," she pleaded to no one, another tear falling. God, when would the tears just stop already? "Move on, like you said."

He deserved to move on.

He deserved to be far, far away from her and all the problems that she brought into his life.

And she… she didn't know what she deserved anymore. But deep down was an awareness that even though she'd failed in so many ways – she didn't deserve him coming here and being mad at her.

I'm mad at you.

She didn't deserve any more heart break.

She'd tried.

She'd just… failed.

B*B*B*B*B**B*B*B*B*B**B*B*B*B**B*B*B

Booth walked into his apartment, his heart pounding against his rib cage. He barely remembered the car ride back – Jared drove, and his own ears were just buzzing.

What had he done?

He'd stormed into Bones's apartment unannounced and… and blamed her for his misery. He'd said he was mad at her.

He was confused, he was sure as hell of that. But mad? He'd never thought he was mad at her. He was just so lost. So confused. Frustrated. He could barely breathe lately. Everything was racing – his life, this wedding day – their friendship and partnership, God it all felt so different now.

And he'd blamed her for that.

But that look on her face. She'd looked at him and he could see it now. There had been raw emotion and fear in her eyes. She'd been afraid of what he was going to say.

And once those words were out, he saw his words land. He saw the impact.

He'd shattered her. He could see her trying to hold it together, but he saw her fall apart. And in that moment, he felt all the destruction he'd caused. He'd done this.

He'd gambled with them. They had something solid and unwavering and he had thrown caution to the wind and…

… she hadn't been ready.

And he hadn't offered patience. He'd just… he'd moved on.

He was leaving her behind now.

But he still felt frustrated that she opened up when he was unavailable. That didn't seem fair. The timing… the guilt…

He deserved to move on after all of those years of hoping and praying and pining and grasping at straws at… at trying. She knew how he'd felt and she hadn't felt it too. It had felt like rejection and it had hurt.

"Okay, Seeley… where's your tux? We're behind now by at least 45 minutes. And the photographer is due here in 20."

Booth turned, as if just noticing his brother was there.

"Jeez, man, you look awful." Jared took a step closer to his brother and forced him to meet his eye. "Okay. Go take a shower. I'll find everything. We got a wedding to get to. I get going to see your partner, your best friend, but it really wasn't the best time for that. Why did you do that? Why did you go there today? Hannah sent me a very detailed down to the minute schedule. And we're way off of it."

Booth took a deep breath. And another. It wasn't catching. It was his wedding day. He had to get ready.

Put on a tuxedo. Go to a church. See his family and his friends…

… and wait for his bride.

At that thought, his breath caught and he met his brother's eyes, shock on his face.

"What is it?" Jared asked, looking innocent. He was acting like he didn't know that he'd walked into his own brother's mental breakdown. But in his eyes, he thought he saw something knowing. He was giving him space. But he knew his brother. He knew they were in a mess.

"Why did I go there today," Booth said, tracing back a moment to Jared's earlier question. "I don't know," he said, offering his brother honesty in his eyes. "I needed to see her. I hadn't seen her since that guy the other night…"

"Sure," Jared said. "I get it. You wanted to make sure she was okay. It's fine. We'll make up for the lost time. Don't worry about it, bro," He added, taking a step toward him and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry."

"I've been having panic attacks. And… today, it won't stop. My breathing won't catch. My heart won't slow down. My hands feel numb."

Jared's eyes widened for a moment. "I mean… you're getting married. You work in a stressful field. It's completely normal to have nerves before your wedding."

Booth shook his head and began pacing the room. "God, why did I tell her I was mad at her? I made her cry. I am not even sure we can survive all of this change. Everything feels like goodbye. What was I thinking."

Jared raised his eyebrows. Booth was muttering under his breath, not talking to his brother. "Seeley."

Booth stopped and looked at him.

"You need to get ready now. You have this thing today. It's in your calendar."

Booth squeezed his eyes closed and fell against the wall, lowering himself to the floor. Jared's smile fell away in an instant and he ran over to his brother, getting down to his knees to make eye contact. "Talk to me," he said.

Booth just shook his head and put a shaking hand through his hair.

"When did it start?"

"What do you mean?" Booth asked.

"The panic attacks. Did they start in Afghanistan? When you got back? When did this become a problem for you? Is it work? Maybe you need a break. Tempe can work with someone else and you can focus on your new marriage. God knows you deserve a break. I've never seen anyone work as hard as you do—"

Booth felt like the room was crashing into him on that last request and he threw a hand to his chest. "No."

"I'm sorry, man," Jared said seriously. "I'm not trying to make this worse. I want to help. I'll shut up. Something I just said made you worse and now I'm wondering if I need to take you to a hospital instead of a church."

Booth's mind was swirling but somewhere on the edges was clarity… something his mind was trying to tell him, something Jared's questions were barraging him with. Did they start in Afghanistan… when you got back… is it work…

"The day after we got engaged," he said, his hand dropping. He looked at his brother with wet eyes and something crystal clear in his gaze.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"It wasn't nearly as intense then," Booth said, as the truth began to crash into him. "But… the day after she said yes… I started having panic attacks."

Jared lifted his eyebrows but said nothing. He turned to put his own back against the wall and lowered himself so they were sitting side-by-side. Two brothers. One trying to save the other.

"She said 'yes' and I felt happy. I did. I remember. The next day… it was all real. She was talking about the wedding, talking about telling our friends and families. Having an engagement party. It became real. I knew I had to tell Bones and I'd felt nervous. I'd felt nervous to tell everyone." He shook his head. "But… that's just nerves. Bones and I have this complicated history. Of course I'd be nervous to tell her. It felt like a normal case of nerves. I knew I just needed to get it over with. And I did. I told her as soon as I saw her. She smiled. But… I could see something else. In her eyes… I thought… I thought she was hurting, more than she was letting on. And… I hated that. I knew how I'd feel if it had been the other way around. But it was done. I felt relief. But then…"

The cases had become the basis of their whole relationship – little by little. Or maybe all at once.

They'd lost things to talk about outside of work. So they stopped.

The text message check-ins between cases became a thing of the past. Pie at the Royal Diner… it was with Hannah. There was this empty chair. And he could feel its emptiness but he…

… he hadn't let himself understand it.

She'd said yes.

He was happy.

He'd always wanted this.

"… Then what?" Jared said quietly, asking him to keep going, to keep talking.

"Then… it didn't feel like relief at all. It's like my mind and my heart were running on completely different channels. But… I didn't get it. I just knew my mind was wrapped up in my romance with Hannah. In our wedding plans. Every plan has felt like a puzzle piece to this life I used to dream about finally coming true, one piece at a time. One wedding detail at a time. Here's this woman who wanted to marry me. Finally. And my mind knew that. And my heart…" He swallowed and looked at his brother. "It would just start racing so fast while my fingers felt numb. And little by little, I started having trouble breathing. Not all the time. At work, I can breathe. Everyone keeps saying how stressful our jobs are, but when I'm doing that, air fills my lungs and I can breathe. And then I'd go into this other part of my life, and I'd make these plans. And my heart and my lungs…"

Jared nodded. "You've been struggling," he finished for him. And Booth just nodded. "But why… I mean, I know you loved Tempe once upon a time. And… it didn't work out. I know that you're just friends. You're both okay with that. Obviously, or we wouldn't be about to put tuxedos on. You fell in love and proposed. Why would you begin having these issues ever since she said yes?"

And just like that, it all became heartbreakingly clear to him.

"I thought she'd say 'no'."

Jared stared at him for a long moment, his mouth pressed into a frown, just the faintest crease in his brow. Finally, he muttered, "What?"

Booth closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. He looked up at the ceiling. "I thought she'd say 'no'."

Jared exhaled deeply and stood up. He began pacing and thrust his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "Look," he said. "This has been a really crazy week. Temperance has been out on dates with a guy, so you've gotten to see her in a relationship. She was in danger and that brought old, familiar feelings racing to the surface. Of those times you used to worry about her, drop everything and… and save her. It's just been a week, Seeley. And now, you're spinning out. And you need to get a grip."

He stopped and looked down at Booth, but Booth was just staring ahead as everything became so painfully clear.

"She said she wasn't the marrying kind. We'd… we'd talked about marriage. And she'd said she would never get married, that she needed a guy who would understand that and not expect it."

Jared kneeled again and looked at his brother seriously. "I don't understand, Seeley. You proposed to someone because you thought she'd say no?"

Booth looked at his hands, shaking his head. "She gave me every reason to say no. I… I don't think I was expecting her to say yes. I… I know I wasn't."

"Did you have a ring?"

"Yes."

"Did you say the words, 'will you marry me?'"

Booth breathed out slowly. "Yes."

"Did you put the ring on her finger when she said yes?"

Booth nodded. "Yes, Jared! What's your point?"

"It sounds like you were ready for her to say yes. It sounds like you wanted her to say yes. It sounds like a typical proposal. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy takes girl to DC to correspond or whatever. Boy buys ring for girl. Boy proposes to girl. And boy kisses her when she agrees. Makes love to her. And then… boy marries girl. That's how this goes."

Booth shook his head. "So many times, she said she'd never… that she wasn't the type… she… Hannah… she –"

"What?"

"I thought she'd reject me."

Jared put a hand through his hair. "And what, you wanted to be rejected? Because, Booth… you're not the kind of guy to stay in a relationship if you're not feeling it. So if you weren't feeling it, why on earth would you propose to her. That makes absolutely no –"

"She moved here for me. And I loved her. She made me happy. But…" He groaned, frustration mounting inside. "When Bones sat in the car, crying, telling me that she understood how she felt, that she… she loved me…"

"—you were mad. You were mad at Temperance. You said that. You just told her that."

He shook his head. "I wasn't mad. Not really. God, how could I be so stupid? I wasn't mad at her. I was… I was stuck. Because it's Bones. I've loved her since the beginning. It's always just been her. And here I was and someone else was involved. They were here, because of me. Hannah was in the middle of my mess. Loving me. And I felt so guilty for what my heart was doing. And I put it all out of my head. I think I thought I was mad at Bones and I just started pulling back. I threw myself even more into Hannah. I felt so guilty and I wanted to prove that I loved her, prove that I was serious." He hesitated.

Because he didn't completely understand all of this. As it all finally crashed down around him, he felt nauseous with the weight of the truth.

"But…"

Booth swallowed. "But she said yes. And… I went into autopilot. I was surprised but I didn't even let myself register that. It morphed in that moment into joy. But honestly… the next day, that's when it all started. I began moving into this new life – the life I face today – and I never realized how much that would pull me even more out of my old life. Every day, I'd struggle to breathe and I couldn't figure out why. And Hannah…" he bumped his head against the wall hard in frustration. "She doesn't deserve this."

"So, deep down, when you proposed…. You thought she'd reject you." Booth just nodded, so Jared continued. "What was your plan then? If she had?"

He sighed shakily. "I don't know! I'm telling you on the level, this wasn't some master plan. It was not even a conscious choice. I feel like I finally understand it. But at the time, I just moved through it. I felt bad for myself. Rebecca had turned me down when I asked her to marry me. Bones… she rejected me. Based on what I knew, I honestly thought that Hannah would say no and I remember… I was ready to step back into my old life, but with some anger because I felt sure Hannah would be yet another rejection I had to live with. Another woman who didn't want what I was offering. I was so sure, and I felt ready to feel anger and rejection—"

"—and what?"

"—and ready to lean on my best friend to get through it. Ready to finally, once again, have her friendship back, the way it used to be. And with that hope that one day maybe we'd… we'd finally…"

Jared took a deep breath. "Seel… you're getting married in an hour and a half. This is a lot… are you sure it's not just a knee jerk reaction to the week? To everything that happened with Tempe?"

Finally, Booth looked his brother in the eyes. "It's definitely been a week. She's been on my mind every minute of every day. Her," he gulped. "going out for dates with Jake… it made me face not just that I was choosing someone else, but that inevitably she would too. It made it real. And… I hated it. I honestly hated it. And when I saw her on the TV and knew something could possibly happen to her, that she might be hurt, I couldn't care less about anywhere else that I was supposed to be. I couldn't get there fast enough. The case we took… it turned me inside out for so many reasons… and I've been desperately trying to hold onto what we had, and she's been letting go and I honestly feel like I'm dying. Like if we lose each other, I might honestly die."

Jared placed a hand on his brother's shoulder but said nothing.

"And now?"

"I wanted to kill that man. The one who grabbed her the other night. I wanted to hurt you when I found out you'd been behind her and Jake going out. I honestly did. I wanted to kill the guy who ran the couples' retreat. And Hannah… I just…"

"What?"

"I am realizing that if she walked out of my life, I wouldn't die. I'd miss her. But… I'd be fine. Life would go back to normal. I can't… I can't breathe, Jared. Except…"

Jared waited.

"Except when I'm with Bones."