Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. All grammar mistakes are unfortunately mine.

Chapter 5

Dear diary...

It's strange.

One day, I was nobody, just another human being, living, breathing and being...happy.

Well...somewhat.

Then, bam, my whole damn world was turned upside down. Again.

I seemed to find myself in a constant wormhole where just like in a movie, my present, past and future collided, only to click into one another, like a perfect puzzle.

Making me realize how all those moments- big and small- finally made sense.

It's strange, all of this feels completely new, yet, I know it is not.

Bit, by bit, all those memories as a child that I tried to escape from came rushing back, stronger than ever.

Once again, I found myself feeling more vulnerable.

To people.

Their energy.

Thoughts.

Mannerisms.

I realize what I had to learn over the years.

Learned that just because I was different from others did not mean I was cursed. That just because I didn't fit in with the "normal crowd" did not mean I was a freak.

All those people I've met through my life were not brought to hurt me, but to teach me lessons.

Lessons of love, pain, misery, toxicity, but most of all, how to be myself.

Not everybody is going to like me, neither love me. And guess what? I really don't give a shit.

Those who love me will always be by my side, and those who won't?

Don't deserve me in the first place.

"So," I start patiently... or at least I try to. My legs are shaking slightly, so I replace that nervousness with biting my nails. "I...I had another dream."

"Listening," Madam Z says, opening a notebook, ready to use her pen.

I breathe out slowly and start.

"This one started a bit different. It was about my daughter. Or should have been... I think."

The day is beautiful. Sunny and warm. The beginning of summer.

Everything I hear, feel around me is joy.

Laughter.

I open my eyes with a smile and smell the scent of a fresh mowed grass. There is a light breeze that touches my face and plays around with my hair strands.

I remove them and put them behind my ear. Opening my eyes further I find myself sitting under a beautiful tree. From the looks of it, it seems it had lived longer than a hundred years.

Every branch that had grown out is intricate with tiny different ones, making them stand out, as if they are playing with each other as they grow out. And at the end, every leaf even different shapes and sizes than the other.

One of a kind. Beautiful.

As my head comes down, my vision focuses on one thing. It takes me a few moments to realize.

I am the only grown up in this whole place.

Then I hear the most beautiful voice in my life. And all the troubles in my life instantly disappear.

"Mommy, are you okay? Did you even hear what I just said?"

"'I'm sorry kiddo. Can you repeat it one more time?"

"I don't like repeating myself, you know that." She pouts, putting her arms over another in a huff. She tries to look like an adult, but all she suceeds in doing is being even more cute. With her cute baby nose and green baby eyes, her hair shining in the daylight, I can't stop looking at her. She's beautiful.

"I know, I'm sorry baby."

A moment later she sighs, but still answers, a smile on her face. "I said... I like your hair today mommy. It's pretty."

I grinned. There she is.

"I like yours better baby. I always did."

Touching her tiny little curls, one by one, my smile doesn't leave my face.

"I know mommy. You say this to me every day. Just like daddy's hair."

It is. It is bronze with just a tinge of red, but only seen in the bright sunlight.

"Exactly. Just like daddy's."

Then I stop myself for a split of a second. I'm about to ask her about him but she interrupts me, once again.

"Mommy?"

"Yeah sweetie?" I ask. As her smile starts to disappear, so does the sunshine. Slowly, bit by bit, the clouds on the sky started to overwhelm the sun, removing all of the sun rays, and with that, the warmth as well. My body shivers, preparing me for something, but my head doesn't want to acknowledge it.

"I'm scared for daddy."

"I'm sure daddy is fine sweetie."

She shakes her head.

"No mommy, he is bad. Really bad. You have to find him. You have to save him."

"Okay, but... I don't..."

"Yes, you do... you dream about him often."

It was just us now, and all was quiet in our world. Just us, nobody else. Suddenly, the skies turned grey, covering the sun completely. The sudden sound of thunder and lightning terrified me. Without knowing how, both of us were starting to run from the pouring rain.

Her tiny hand on mine is pulling harshly, taking us in a direction I couldn't understand or see. Blurry pictures start to overwhelm my mind, one at a time. It seemed like I was shown countless pictures of the small places, countless cities. Some I understood and recognized, others had only seen in the movies or read about them in books.

"I don't understand Lizzie, where are you taking me?"

"There is no time mommy. He's getting worse by the day. You have to save him!"

"Why?" I ask one more time. I'm so confused.

The rain keeps on pouring, and my eyesight gets worse. I slip and fall. She tries to help me to get up, but a sudden quick sand takes me under.

Knowing she can't help me, she keeps yelling at me, as if we are both out of time.

"Save him, you have to save him mommy. If you don't... I'll never exist!"

Crying. She's crying now, and there is nothing I can do to take her fears away.

So the only thing I do is say, "Okay, Lizzie. I will."

"Promise mommy. Promise me. "

"I promise Elizabeth. I promise."

"Bella..."

"What?

"Have you noticed the way you describe her, it almost sounds like...you miss her?"

I quickly shake my head. "I don't see it that way."

"Okay. So tell me, how do you see it?" she asked with curiosity in her voice, face void of any emotions.

I sighed. "I don't know. One moment, she was with me, laughing and joking, then, the other, she wasn't. The end."

"I see."

"No, don't pull the "I see" crap on me. You should be the best at this and yet..."

"I'm sorry. But what did you expect Bella? Really...tell me."

"I don't know...I would tell you my crappy dream and you would tell me how crazy it was. Maybe even give me some advice."

"What kind of advice?"

"I don't know."

"I do have something else to say, well, a few things, but you won't like it."

"Can't believe I'm gonna say this but...lay it on me."

She smiles softly. "It's not too harsh, promise."

A sarcastic grin. ''Sure.''

"I think what is really important for you is to feel in control. To feel powerful in controlling your choices- no matter how small or big- or even your emotions, which is fine. Nothing unusual, really common with human kind, but at some point of your life, you put that importance over everything. When overwhelmed, you like to prefer to deal with this with logistics over emotions. And yes, sometimes that works for people, but not always.

You are afraid to let go, afraid to show people you actually do care, that you are not this supernatural woman who is never sad or depressed. That you are always this sunshine and rainbows and smiles and unicorns.

You don't want to show people just how much you do struggle everyday, how much you can't wait to come home just to finally sit down and cry, ready to fall apart. But it's okay to show people your vulnerability Bella. It's okay to admit that you do miss someone. That you do want what everyone wants.

A husband and maybe even a daughter. A family. A better life for yourself."

"And if I actually find someone, and they reject me anyway?"

"Then you need to realize it was never about you, but them." She shrugs. She fucking shrugs.

I grin sarcastically. "It's not me, it's you bullshit. Really?"

She laughs. "If you put it like that, then I guess, yes."

"We really got off the subject, didn't we?"

"Indeed. If you need to continue, go ahead."

"I guess...It's interesting that for so many months I would dream about him, but then, suddenly, little Lizz is the one who came to me in a dream."

"Lizz?"

"Yeah, short for Elizabeth."

"Pretty name."

My smile full is of warmth. "I think so too.''

A moment of silence passes between us before she's ready to speak again.

''What interested me is, she asked for your help."

"Yes."

''What do you think she meant by that?"

"I don't know. She kept clarifying that he needs to be saved because if I don't, she will never be born."

"Interesting. Do you believe in that?"

"I... don't know what to think anymore."

"You seem...distraught. As if you betrayed her even before you got the chance to do so."

I nod timidly. "It's... scary.''

She nods. "Yes it is."

It still amazes me just how much we are talking about it all as if it is actually...real. Sure, on some scale, she is a psychic, and I can't be the only human being going through this spiritual awakening, as she calls it.

Still... it scares me just how much she is actually paying attention to my words instead of humoring me. No, not even that, she actually believes in me. This astounds me on a deep level.

"What if..." I start to speak softly, fear covering my voice, making it shiver just a little bit.

"If..."

"...I finally get the courage to actually try to find him, and then..."

"Get rejected, or worse, realize all of this was just a big, fat lie?"

I don't say anything, but she knows my response already.

A definite yes.

"Bella, people are not perfect- even if they do try to show that daily on the social media, especially the younger generation- human race has flaws. Every single one of us. They just try to hide them. Everybody does. The only thing you can do, when you're finally ready, is to try. As I see it, there are two types of people that you meet in your life- for a season, which they leave after short period of time, or those you meet that stay with you through out good or bad.

Some are here to teach you beautiful lessons about yourself and life and some are just to make you wiser. But the question I want to ask you to think about today is... in all your dreams you had about him over the months, good and the bad, is it worth it? Is he worthy of you? Are you truly and honestly ready to meet? If you get disappointed... will you run, or, will you stay and try to really meet each other, get to know who you are in this life? Think about it deeply. Just don't go crazy with overthinking, you know...like you usually do."

"Funny. You're a very funny person, you know that?" I ask sarcastically, getting up and taking my coat from the hangar.

She lets out a soft chuckle.

"I've been known to be called that sometimes, yes."

"Well, see you next week, I guess."

"Good, looking forward to it."

Just before I open the door to leave, I ask, "What's your real name?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I can't keep calling you madam Z in my head. I need a name, a normal name. I mean, you do know mine after all. My first and last. Would be nice to at least know yours, even if it's fake."

"Jane."

"Jane..." I prompt.

"Doe." A grin.

Right. Fake name it is.

I grin right back.

"Alright. See you next week J."

Thanks for reading!