Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. All grammar mistakes are unfortunately mine.

Time for some Edward. He's a little dark in this chapter, so be patient with him please. And me. Thank you ;)

Chapter 7

There is a deep deafening buzzing in my ears. The voice in my head screams: "WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

I'm disoriented... having no fucking clue, where I am, or even, for a moment or two, who I am.

It's fucked up, I know.

There is a disgusting taste in my mouth that reminds me of just one thing. Alcohol. For a moment, I panic, cursing myself, for yet another thing I manage to fuck up. Taking a deep breath trough my mouth to stabilize myself, I instantly taste the staleness of the hospital. The institution. However you wanna call it.

For the first time, ever, for even a millisecond, I'm actually glad I'm here. Relieved.

Until I'm not.

It reminds me of purgatory. Where people come to die, only, you can't even do that, try as you might. With poison in your heart, and bloodcurdling pain in your veins I curse the day I was brought here. Every day was more mundane than the next. There are days I actually pray for something sharp to find, only to cut myself so deep, that as I take my last breath, all I see is my blood pouring out of me. Draining me while I silently call out her name.

Bella.

I can still hear her name in my head. Still taste her sweet cherry lotion on my tongue, still hear her calling me out in anguish, before she disappears completely. Lifeless, breathless, dead, before my own eyes.

I did that. I killed her. It was all my fault.

I remember every little detail, every smile, every bruise, every kiss, every tear, and the taste it had on my bitter tongue as I tried to make it go away that day.

I tried to comfort her. Plead with her not let me go. But she would not stay.

Until, one day, she did. Because of me.

Because I was too much of a coward to fight back. To let her go.

And in each lifetime we would meet, she would end up dead, right before my eyes. Because of me.

I could not do that again. To her. To myself. To us.

I tell myself, not knowing her, seeing her- in this lifetime at least- might make it hurt less.

But it never does.

There are days when this undeniable desire to find her claims me completely, to just search for her no matter how many days, years, even moons it takes and just say, "I'm here. I'm finally here, standing in front of you, new and improved, finally worthy of you. Of us."

Hear her sweet innocent voice call out my name.

Edward.

But, somehow, I find the strength to not look back. Or forward. Just for...right now. Taking small breaths, one at the time, in and out, I find my momentary balance.

Since my "awakening", if you want to call it that, all it does is remind me every second of her. Even in those days I somehow forget, my dreams don't let me. It's exhausting.

Not are all bad memories though. There are good moments there though, as well.

Beautiful memories such as the sound of her high pitched laughter, her touch, the way my body responds to her every time she is near. Her hand on mine. Tingles up the spine, and all over my body. Exhilarating.

Petrifying.

Beautiful.

She is beautiful. But not mine. Not anymore. Not if I wanted her to live. In this lifetime at least.

Thanks for reading!