Empty is the mind.
Yet filled at the same time.
With the bliss of emptiness.
The happiness that comes with total defeat, having nothing to gain.
The knowledge and fulfillment that comes with knowing that you have lost, and you don't have to suffer anymore trying to win.
Am I weird for feeling this way?
For being happy, even after knowing that all my efforts had gone to waste, with the possibility of losing even more?
Not like anyone would answer me.
I am truly alone in this fucked up place.
Why does one feel good after having suffered for nothing?
Was it just a reality check?
A confirmation perhaps, from my subconscious?
My worst fears came to life.
They destroyed me in the hours of their wake.
So why do I no longer fear it?
Because it happened?
It can happen again.
Probably will too, considering my conundrum.
Who knows?
Maybe it is madness.
The madness that comes from helplessness.
When all you can do is just laugh at the fucked situation you find yourself in.
Not even a sliver of hope shone on through the tunnel.
It wouldn't be a tunnel, would it though?
More like a room, a room that can change in shape and dimension, with a promise.
Promise of:
An infinite number of possible solutions to escape.
Every inch of the wall, an access point to the outside.
Yet there is no escape. No door to the outside.
All false passages, with nothing but even more room behind them.
Yeah.
That is how I would explain what I am feeling right now.
That is how I would explain what I have felt like ever since, who knows when at this point?
If there is one thing I hate the most in my life after having to deal with all this.
It would definitely be my own human nature.
Pride:
For thinking that I could defeat them in combat, even if I had so many tricks and cheats up my sleeve.
Or for thinking that having a bit of alcohol as a treat couldn't hurt, because I was so untouchable.
Greed:
The need for more, the wanting that keeps nagging at the back of your mind, asking you to make everything just a smidge more perfect by playing your cards early.
Para-
And many more I could name, that would lead me down a doomer spiral. So I will stop there before I make things even worse.
...
Ah shit.
It is already too late, isn't it?
I have already ruined the moment.
By questioning, thinking, and contemplating.
I already wrote over the happy, empty bliss.
Clouded my mind with needless worry.
And yet again, I'm too far deep in.
I sigh out loud, a fruitless effort in an attempt to relieve my frustration.
I changed my mind.
What I hate isn't my human nature.
That is stupid anyways.
A human denying their humanity?
What kind of edgelord am I?
No. I have a new, more sensible answer after this experience.
My own nature as a being-
I am going to lose it.
I could have just kept sitting on my fucking hospital bed,
Listening to my motherfucking music,
On my goddamned phone,
Inside this battleship,
In an alternate dimension, possibly,
Without a care in the world,
Hoping to spend these last moments happily,
Waiting for my doom.
But I already ruined it. Twice.
Now thrice by myself confirming it.
...
Just get back to listening to the music.
Replay it.
I am feeling too much like a defeatist right now to be continuing the endless struggle.
''On and On'' by One Year Dive.
It will do nicely.
...
Pause the music.
...
Nah.
Just 1 more question to ponder. I promise.
This one a little more lighthearted to keep my sanity though.
Art.
A piece of art is truly special to someone when they can associate themselves with it.
Whether it be their personality or their current state of mind.
Usually, I prefer to not abide by this definition of what makes great art.
I tell myself that it is in fact not about me, but just a coincidence that makes me want to make it about me to make myself feel special.
Because that is how the human brain works.
But today is different.
Today I don't have the mental strength left to even hold my own ideals.
Let's cut it here, for real this time.
Just enjoy your time, for once.
You might not have any left.