Rewritten as of 4/5/23
- Safe Travels -
The night air is unbearably hot. Sakura tosses and turns in bed, smothered by the oppressive weight of her sheets. Her dreams are strange, distorted pantomimes of reality that speak to the seeds of fear in her heart. Visions of being on stage at the Summit with no words coming out of her mouth. Shikamaru angrily telling her she'd wasted his time. Her sensei laughing outright at her unbearably cliche crush…
But gradually, her dreams begin to change. A voice in the dark whispers soothing words. A phantom hand folds into hers, thumb brushing softly over her knuckles. The press of a body cradles her into safety, and she knows implicitly that everything will be alright.
When she finally wakes, it's just past 3am. Her convoy team is due to set off in 5 hours.
Earlier, her heart had been tender as a bruise. Now, the hurt seems much less so. She'd expected to linger in heartbreak for days… After Sasuke, she'd been a mess for years. But this time, it felt as if someone was guiding her through the grief, leading her towards something better. It's as if someone is shouldering the burden of her distress, like a backpack of notes being lifted from her hand.
She stares unseeing into the dark, yet she doesn't feel alone. When she stands from the tangle of her sheets, she vows to leave her grief behind. She could handle being alone.
Around her, the world is still and beautifully quiet. The thin silver moon produces very little light, so she moves about her apartment in darkness. She isn't ready to turn on the lights. She double-checks her travel pack and makes a small pitcher of iced tea. She meditates on how best to use this last bit of time, and ultimately decides a final shower is due.
The running water does wonders for her body and mind. She scrubs at her nails and washes her hair twice. By the time her hot water tank is empty, she feels like a new woman reborn.
She had survived Sasuke leaving. She would survive this too.
Morning light filters through the treetops now. The rising sun is an orange yolk suspended above the horizon line. Despite her lack of sleep, she feels refreshed. Night shifts at the hospital have made her immune to sleep deprivation. It's a hard earned toughness she'd glad to have now.
She chooses to leave early for the great outer wall. Their travel convoy will soon convene at the great western gates. She wants to savor this last bit of solitude before they hit the road, before she has nothing but company for the next 8 days. She walks down the empty streets, enjoying how it glows under the gentle touch of dawn.
The great gates rise high into the air. Unearthly pillars hewn of ancient trees frame the large doors that divided her home from the outside world. It takes very little chakra to scale their heights and perch herself atop the horizontal head-beam. From up here, she can see clear across the valley and out into the rolling mountains beyond. It's only now that she grows excited for the week to come, for all the challenges that lay ahead.
Despite the village's familiar beauty, she's ready to leave Konoha for a while. The time away would do her good and help her get her head on strait. There's just one last thing to do before she leaves, if she can summon the courage to do it.
Looking around to make sure she isn't being watched, Sakura slows her breath and counts to 10. As he's done so many times before, Yume-Kakashi appears beside her, waiting in respectful silence. He sits patiently until she's ready to talk. He waits for a long time.
"I…had a talk with Sensei yesterday." She states. It comes out easier than she'd expected it to- less disappointment, more acceptance.
"I know." Is his gentle reply. He keeps his gaze forward as they speak. "I was hoping to see you last night, but I understand why you didn't call."
"I wasn't ready to face you." She admits. "And yet, while I was sleeping, it felt like someone was holding my hand. I woke up feeling…lighter somehow."
"A midnight visitor?" He asks. "How curious."
"Curious indeed." She replies. They smile knowingly at each other.
She'd worried that her conversation with Sensei might somehow change him. That her Kakashi wouldn't be as affectionate, or somehow wouldn't see her the same way. But if anything, his unaffected charm just reenforces an idea she's already coming to suspect. That her Kakashi has very little in common with the Sensei she's loved for so very long.
Belatedly, she wonders if her affection for the fantasy has influenced her feeling for the real man. It was all admittedly very messy, but she has four days worth of travel time to puzzle it all out.
They sit now in companionable silence, letting the sunlight wash of over their skin. Sakura feels baptized by the heat of summer, the quickly rising temperature soothing away any lingering heartache.
"I'll miss you while I'm gone." She says, breaking the silence. She's surprised by how much she means it.
"I'll be with you every step of the way." He says. He reaches his fingers the last few inches over to clasp her hand in his. He hesitates just long enough incase she pulls away. His smile is goldenrod sunshine when she turns her palm up to accept his touch.
There's something different in the way he looks at her today. His eyes are missing their usual sensual hunger. His gaze doesn't linger on any one part of her body- not her lips, not her neck. Instead, he's taking her in as a whole. He's seeing underneath the underneath. Somehow her hand enveloped in his now is better than all his previous touches and kisses put together.
It's like they're seeing each other without physical distraction for the first time. Today, he isn't her dream of Kakashi. He's his own person, and he's real. Even if he isn't, he's real enough.
They talk openly after that, knowing it will be a while before she can call on him again. Between the dangers of the open road and the high stakes pressure of the Medical Summit, there just won't be much opportunity unless it's a true emergency. Not to mention her proximity to Shikamaru during their travels… Her friend has the eyes of a hawk and a dangerously accurate intuition. She wouldn't put it past him to instantly see through her, so she won't give him the opportunity to.
Someday she hopes she can tell Shika about her Jutsu. She hopes she can tell Kakashi about it too. But for now, she's not ready to try again. And really, what was the rush?
'Shikamaru should be here soon…'
Her heart warms at the knowledge that her best friend will be traveling with her. Thank god she didn't have to do this alone. It's been years since they have been on a mission together. She imagines facing the Daimyo without him, and once more is overwhelmed by his willingness to travel with her. He was nearly as allergic to change as he was to work, and this trip would require him to do both. She would be in his debt forever…
"How are you feeling about the Summit?" Yume-Kakashi asks, sensing the thoughts in her heart.
"Like a great responsibility has been handed to me, and if I mess up this opportunity it will be civilians that suffer."
"So. You're pretty confident then." He smirks. And god bless him, her tension eases at his smile. "Even if you mess up the words, your belief in this project will still shine through. Remember, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. I know you will be alright."
A bead of sweat runs down her brow. The sun is getting higher now. She knows it's almost time to leave.
"How do you always know exactly what to say?" She asks, turning to really look at him.
"Beats me. My namesake isn't exactly known for being super self aware. If I don't get my inner wisdom from him, I must get it from someone else."
She laughs when he winks at her. The smallest blush warms the bridge of her nose. She turns her gaze forward before her thoughts can run away with her. What can she say, old habits die hard.
Her Kakashi likewise looks away. He starts rattling off a list of sensory drills for her to do on the road should she get the chance.
"I knew I was a hardcore study nerd, but I never thought I'd see the day when my fantasy boyfriend gave me homework for my vacation." She laughs, tilting her face higher up to the sunlight.
"Oh, so I'm your boyfriend now?"
She knows he means it as tease, but her face skips red and goes strait to inferno. He squeezes her hand tightly in his, not letting her squirm away in embarrassment. He opens his mouth to say something more-
A voice calls her name from down below, interrupting the moment. Yesterday, an interruption might have broken her Jutsu. Today, her concentration holds, Kakashi's fingers still threaded in her own. She knows he doesn't have a heart, but she can feel his pulse beating in his palm.
Sixty feet below where she sits, Shikamaru waves up to her, a travel pack slung across his shoulders. Sakura yells that she will be right down, her heart blooming anew with affection for her friend.
Yume-Kakashi looks down at Shikamaru, and then gives her a dubious look.
"What?" She asks him, feeling suddenly exposed.
Kakashi takes a patient breath, like he might regret what he's about to say. "Listen. We both know I'm just your overactive imagination continuing to manifest this gorgeous face in the pleasure centers of your brain. So, take what I say with a grain of salt."
Sakura laughs at his blatant self awareness, but urges him to go on.
"I may be made up of parts of you… but I'm also your collective memories of him." At this, she knows he's talking about her Sensei. "With those memories, I know that the cost of being a teacher is some day having your students outgrow you. But any teacher who doesn't want that for his students ultimately doesn't deserve their respect."
Sakura's brow pinches lightly into a frown, unsure of where he's going with this. They so rarely speak with this level of self-awareness, content to enjoy their mutual dream. But here, it seems he's speaking directly from his heart. From the part of him that's entirely his.
He stares down at Shikamaru. "There will come a time, maybe sooner than you expect, when someone special comes to you. Someone whose presence makes the world turn for you when everything else tells you to stop. If that opportunity comes to you… don't let the thought of me hold you back. Not me, and not your Sensei either." His voice is tight, like he's trying to force out the words before he can change his mind.
She shakes her head and looks away. She knows she is being willfully ignorant, but part of her isn't ready to hear what he's sayin. "I don't know what you mean." She lies.
"It's okay. You will."
"Sakura, come on!" A new voice calls to her from below. The rest of her travel convoy has arrived.
"I have to go." Her voice breaks with unnamed emotion. She forces herself to let go of his hand.
"I know." He say gently, beginning to disappear. "I just wish…I could go with you." He says it like he's saying goodbye.
Shikamaru gives her a curious look when she meets her convoy team on the ground. Yume-Kakashi's words still ring in her ears, and she can't quite look her friend in the eye. She observes his travel gear instead.
Gone is the stylishly put together man who stood in her stairwell the other night. His hair is once more pulled back into his usual ponytail, wisps of dark pieces falling askew from his temple. His clothes are likewise relaxed and undone. He looks comfortable in his body again. This is the friend she's come to love over the years, the scruffy, lazy ninja she admires and adores. Yesterdays disappointments seem to grow even more distant in his presence.
She finds she likes this version of him best.
She knows she's appraising him too openly when he blushes under the weight of her gaze. But he was saving her from having to take this trip alone. She's just so happy he's here. She shakes off Yume-Kakashi's words, putting on a fresh smile.
Their convoy leader, Utsuho, gives a quick briefing of their timeline: When they will stop and what rogue groups they might encounter. By 8:05, they are on the road, eating up the miles at a blistering pace.
Deep into the west, through the land of River, the boarders to Sand await them.
- Authors Note -
Our Kakashi's will be absent for a little bit, but I hope you will allow Sakura and Shikamaru this chance to shine on their own. Next chapter, we embark into Arc 2. It will be cute. There will be good choices and bad choices. Old friends and new friends. Delicious Tension.
Thank you for reading thus far - XOXO, VB