Why do I do this to myself. When will the pain end? - XOXO, VB

- Trip Wires -

Kankuro shows Sakura out of the summit chambers and back out to the main hallway. They wave their goodbyes for now, and then Sakura is left alone in with her thoughts.

She looks around for Shikamaru, but he must have briefly stepped away. She doesn't blame him- it's been well over an hour since her presentation started. The heat in the hallway has since risen to a near boil, making her clothes stick uncomfortably to her skin. She tries to process her racing thoughts, but they slip out of reach when she reaches for them.

It was official now, her part in the Summit was over. A full years worth of hard work, dozens of last minute preparations… it felt strange having no big event left to work towards. In a way, it felt wrong. She'd been pushing herself and pushing herself until pushing had become her life. But now, there was nothing left to push against. All she could do was wait for the Daimyo to come to their decision.

What if they rejected her outright? What if she'd failed to convince them?

'No.' A small voice whispers inside her.

No matter what happened, it would only be a setback. As Naruto's teammate over the years, she had learned to not take no for an answer. If they rejected her proposal, she would just come back next year, and the year after that if she had to. She would scheme and plan and do what ever it took to change this broken system for the better.

But for now, the heat was sapping her nonexistent energy from her limbs. She wanted to lay down on the floor. She wanted to pass out…

When was the last time she'd eaten? She barely remembers the food from dinner last night, and she'd slept clear through breakfast this morning. She wanted to find Shikamaru and make a tactical retreat back to the Embassy Royal. She need to apologize for kissing him before something else came up that needed her attention.

She'd just been… moved. Moved by his unending confidence in her. Moved by the fact that he'd traveled all this way. Moved by his achingly painful words last night…

"You always show up for the people who need you, Sakura. Eventually, someone's got to show up for you."

But Shikamaru did not like change, and that kiss, how ever small, could change their friendship irrevocably.

Still, she can not move an inch. Has not moved since stepping out into the hallway. Her eyes are fixed in a blank stare on Shikamaru's backpack. To the spot on the bench where she'd sat so unnecessarily close to him, knowing that she shouldn't.

She stares at the bench, dreamily remembering everything that has transpired between them over the last few days. It feels like a lifetime has passed since leaving Konoha. Feels like it's been years, not hours, days…

When she'd leaned against his shoulder, Shikamaru hadn't pushed her away like she'd expected him to. She's meant only to brush into his strong frame and absorb his shadowy, reassuring confidence. She'd thought he might allow the trespass for only a second before shrugging her off entirely.

She hadn't expected to feel his hand pulling her head into the crook of his neck. He'd welcomed her presence against his side like there would always be a place for her there.

She hadn't expected…to like it so much.

She continues to stare at the empty bench, turning the Knight tile over in her fingers. Flip. Flip. Flip.

The smooth wood feels so familiar to her at this point. Almost as familiar to her as Shikamaru himself is. Why on earth had she kissed him? Why had she been thinking to jeopardize everything they had over vulnerable, weak moment?

She hadn't been thinking, that was the problem. Instead, she'd been feeling too many feelings and not thinking about the consequences of her actions.

'Things between you two were bound to change eventually.'

She sighs wearily.

Nothing on this trip was making sense. Not the way her fingers had found his hand in the dark. Not the way her eyes had practically devoured him when he'd opened his hotel door, shirtless and dripping wet. And especially not her sudden need to show him how important he was to her.

He'd pressed the Knight tile into her hand, and something fragile had come undone within her. It was like the floodgates were open now, and all she could think were thoughts of him. He always showed her that she mattered…

She was insane.

She was losing her mind.

She was drunk on terror and too many weeks of too little sleep. She was definitely not suppose to be kissing her best friend when he was only two months out of a long distance relationship. The memory of the kiss is a cherry pit stuck in her throat. She might never be able to swallow down this embarrassment.

But at the same time… the kiss had felt right. It had felt as natural as breathing. She hadn't known how easy it would be to catch fire just by leaning into his heat.

But at the end of the day, this wasn't about what she wanted.

She needed to do what was right for Shikamaru, and that meant not involving him in her complicated, messy life. She already had an unrequited obsession with her Sensei, even though she was working on that. Then there was her semi-stable semi-sexual relationship with his Genjutsu hallucination. That would be a bit trickier to sort out.

No. She would apologize to him as soon as he got back. She could get through this. She could fix it.

Back inside the chambers, Gaara's voice calls over the chatter. She's so disoriented, she's barely been registering the background noise. Inside, the Kazekage proclaims they will take a short recess for lunch before returning for the afternoon session.

Doors clatter all around her. The Daimyo and their entourage exit the chamber through a multitude of exits. Their heads dip to converse with advisors or other cabinet members. Everyone else seems content to gossip in private voices.

Sakura doesn't miss the dirty glare the Grass Daimyo gives her on his way out. She doesn't hesitate to send one right back to him.

Something about the look in his eyes worries her. He is not to be underestimated.

But then, Gaara and Kankuro appear at her side. The Grass Daimyo fades to nothing more than a bad memory. Kankuro's grin is hot and infectious, full of energy she's rarely seen him express.

"I was sure you were going to punch Grass in the face." Kankuro says conspiratorially. "I was prepared to step in of course, but I would have let you get in a few good swings first."

Sakura pales, realizing how close she had come to potentially inciting an international war. "Too much?" She asked sheepishly, looking between Kankuro and Gaara.

Gaara takes off his Kage hat, ruffling his hair where it's been flattened by sweat. "Honestly, I probably would have gone further." He says.

"You almost did." Kankuro reminds him, his tone lightly tinged with admonishment.

Gaara disregards his words with a shrug. "I was in control." He reassures them both. Sakura keeps her doubts to herself.

Then, Gaara turns to face her directly. "Give your Hokage my thanks for giving you leave to attend this summit. I'm not…. I'm not good with words, so I'll leave the exact phrasing up to you."

Sakura might be bad with words, but Gaara only speaks body language.

She eyes him appraisingly. Shikamaru's words bubble up to her again. "I think you're better than you think you are. You handled yourself pretty well in there."

"Temari fielded me practice questions last night." He says simply.

Temari's name is ice dropped down the back of her shirt. She wonders absently why she hasn't seen the third Sand Sibling around.

She babbles on about nothing to cover her discomfort. "Shikamaru has this saying he brings up when we play chess. 'When your opponent is stronger, disparities in power may be overcome through extensive preparation.' "

Gaara gives her his deadpan stare. Oh god, was she rambling about Shikamaru of all things?

"What… does that even mean?" He finally asks. Maybe he's not so good with words after all.

"It means…" Sakura begins, searching for the right words. But in her mind, all she can picture is Shikamaru standing in her stairwell, getting roped into traveling across the country. Shikamaru covered in mosquito bites. Shikamaru taking her hand and pulling her in close. Staying up with her until 3am and never complaining once about it. Shikamaru pressing the chess piece into her palm. Shikamaru really making her feel seen.

She was absolutely fucked.

"I guess it means that he's the plan, and I'm the follow through." She says, mirroring his words from earlier.

"I have a saying like that." Kankuro says, oblivious to her preoccupation. "I heard it from Naruto last time he was here. 'Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.'"

Gaara gives his older brother a sardonic look. "I don't think that means what you think it means."

The patter of familiar footsteps rings down the hall, blending in with the various noises echoing around them. Sakura knows those footsteps like she knows her own name. She turns around to see Shikamaru jogging up to her, his gate somehow still lazy even when he runs.

Sweat is dripping down the side of his neck from the oppressive Suna heat. In his hands he holds two bottles of ice cold water dripping with condensation. It's only now she realizes just how parched she is. Wordlessly he hands her the bottle and she drains it dry in a single go.

"Sorry, we'll catch up with you later." Kankuro says, waving goodbye to her mid sip. He and Gaara hurry away to where an advisor is flagging them down. The hallway echoes with more voices, more footsteps and closing doors…

Then the narrow space once brimming with Daimyo is suddenly empty except for Shikamaru.

Except for Sakura and her empty water bottle and this unnamed thing lingering between them.

The silence stretches on for eons, louder than the noises ever were. Shikamaru rubs the back of his neck, refusing to meet her eyes.

They both seem to be waiting for the other to speak first. Twice they each attempt to start, mouths opening and closing like fish out of water. Sakura has a million things to say, each thing clamoring to be said aloud first. Shikamaru continues to avoid her gaze- from embarrassment or discomfort she can not tell.

All she knows is that she's clearly overstepped a boundary, and she needs to make amends. He had already offered her more than she could ever deserve. She'd been greedy and impulsive and felt too much at once and-

Shikamaru steps into her space. He slips his arms around her waist, picking her up and giving her a single spin before setting her back down lightly on her feet. Her knees practically buckle under her own weight. She goes slack in his arms from terror and relief. He holds her tightly in a beam of sunlight, pressing his chin against her temple. The ice cold water bottle pins her hips agains his. He holds her tighter than she has ever been held.

Finally, her body reacts. Her fingertips are digging hard into the ridges of his back, their bodies flush together in a way that leaves no space for the imagination. She can feel his arms clench and unclench in indecision. They are both torn between holding each other together or brutally tearing themselves apart.

Her face is a mask of red-hot fire, and the shelter of his chin is a soothing shadow where she could hide for an eternity. Only one person has ever held her like this. Held her like she really, truly mattered…

"I listened to every word." Shikamaru finally says, his breath a haggard puff against her bangs. "I'm so unbelievably proud of you."

She clings to him even harder at that, not ready to acknowledge how much his words mean to her. He's speaking to the core of who she is. She wants love, to give it and receive it. But more than that, she wants to make a difference. She wants respect. She wants to matter.

She buries her face deeper into his chest, afraid of what she wants to do. Her arms are trembling around his neck. It would be so easy to thread her fingers into his hair. It would be so easy to just look up…

The faint sound of approaching footsteps is enough to shatter the fragile moment. To make them spring violently apart, suddenly aware of just what they were doing.

She realizes she still hasn't said a word to him, paralyzed in silence this whole time. She doesn't even know what she would say to him now. She feels vulnerable, like his touch has exposed her raw. The approaching person is her unknowing savior, stopping her from ruining the best friendship she's ever had.

Shikamaru takes in her rigid form. She knows she needs to explain her behavior…

And then… the air changes. He's shoves his hands into his pockets, closing himself off from her. Her stupid heart has ruined everything. She needs to make this right-

"Shikamaru?"

His name is clear as a bell in her mind… but she isn't the one who has said it aloud. Her jaw is made of unyielding stone, refusing to do the one thing mouths are meant to do.

Sakura turns around to where an angel is standing at the end of the hall. Her golden hair is luminous in the orange Suna light. Sakura's thoughts are white noise in a dark room. She's too busy admiring this stranger until at last, at last, she recognizes her.

"Temari." Shikamaru says. His voice cracks when he calls her name, his face an unreadable blank expression.

"Can we talk?" Temari asks gently. She doesn't step closer than she already has. She seems frozen to the spot, which is exactly how Sakura feels. Temari's long, delicate fingers hover tentatively on the adjacent doorframe. She's either trying to keep herself upright or keep herself from running away.

More footsteps approach from the other end of the hall. Sakura turns to find the ephemeral form of the River General wordlessly beckoning her to follow.

Shikamaru and Sakura stand side by side. Both know that when they leave this short-lived moment, the things that might have been will die. Shikamaru gives her a terrified look, like he isn't sure what to do or how to move his legs. They are both paralyzed with indecision. Both understand the future is inevitable.

This moment is a dream that she can have, but can not have forever.

Sakura is the first to make up her mind. She will always do what is right for him. She owes him that much, at least. He can be the plan. She can be the follow through.

"Go." She whispers quietly to him.

Before he can say another word, she turns to follow River down the hall. It takes all her willpower to keep from looking back. To see if Shikamaru has moved or if he hasn't.

- Leverage -

"How did you know?" River asks her directly, not bothering to elaborate on her question.

It doesn't matter. Sakura knows immediately what River is asking. She squares her shoulders like she's putting on her doctors coat. What ever happened before with Shikamaru doesn't matter. She needs to be fully present for this conversation.

"I figured it out last night." Sakura says. "You weren't eating your food but you were shooting back Shochu on an empty stomach like it was nothing more than water. Because it was water, wasn't it?"

River gives her a penetrating stare before nodding in affirmation.

"I can spot first trimester nausea from a mile away, it wasn't that hard to guess." Sakura says. "Next time, just act like the liquor sucks. Even my Hokage scrunches her nose at Shochu, and she's the toughest drinker I know."

"I'll remember that for next time." River says.

She reaches into her robe sleeves and pulls out a slip of paper. It's the note Sakura had slipped into her financial pamphlet, telling River to bring up the Eligibility bill once more. "This was a dangerous move, you know. If I'd wanted to, I could have outed you for trying to bribe an elected official. You could be arrested for this."

Sakura pales, but does not deflect her gaze. "Yes, I could be." She says stoically. Her heart is stone, finally numb after feeling too many big things too close together. She just wants to get through this conversation and go home. Back to the safety of her hospital, her apartment, her Genjutsu.

River lifts both her leverage and her head high. "Just so you know, I'll be holding on to this as collateral."

Here, Sakura allows her uncertainty to show. "Collateral?"

"Your secret in exchange for mine. If you say anything about my child to anybody-"

That's when Sakura understand what this conversation is really about.

"I was told the River Daimyo sent his General in his stead because his wife is newly pregnant. But you're both his General and his Wife, aren't you. I don't know what your reasons are for keeping your situation a secret, but I also don't need to." Sakura says. This, at least, is a matter of professional pride. "I'm not going to tell anyone, I promise."

River eyes her carefully. "If you were really a political figure, you would try to hold that knowledge over me."

"Maybe." Sakura says with a shrug. "But technically, I've treated you for your nausea. That grants you doctor patient confidentiality. You might not trust me as a Kunoichi, but I would never jeopardize my reputation as a doctor."

These seem to be the magic words that finally encourage the General to trust. Her arms are still crossed over her pale cream robes, but her shoulders at least begin to relax.

A niggling thought worms itself up from the recesses of Sakura's mind. She can not help but want to ask…

"I do have one question, if you will permit me?" Sakura doesn't know where she finds the audacity, but when River nods her consent Sakura continues. "The River Daimyo… I was under the impression he was a much older man."

Somehow this taboo topic feels safer that what ever she was feeling outside with Shikamaru. Better to think about the relationship that could never be than ruin the friendship she could never live without.

River looks at her appraisingly. Her sharp eyes dissect Sakura faster than any surgeon ever could. When she answers Sakura's unspoken questions, it's with hesitation but also honesty.

"I was his General long before I became his wife. We may have a difference in years…but I earned his respect long before I earned his love."

"You seem to have made it work, despite that difference in years."

"We hide our marriage for a reason. If I were willing to step down as his General, we might not have to… but I was not willing to trade one love for another. My position as General is as deeply a part of me as my love for my husband. Our situation isn't for everyone. But in this way, I am his equal in every way that matters."

"Who approached who?" Sakura presses on.

She knew she was trying the General's patience. Despite this invasion of privacy, River studies her with understanding. "If you must know, I approached him. With our differences in age, and me being his subordinate, I don't believe he ever would have confessed to me first."

It was surreal, having this very open conversation with someone who could probably have her arrested and not think twice about it.

River gives her the tiniest ghost of a smile, then is back to being cold as December water. "That thing you said to me last night- 'Lakes inspire admiration, but Rivers demand respect.' Did you rehearse that?"

Last night was a hundred lifetimes ago, even farther away than the dream of hot summer hallways and Shikamaru pressing a chess piece gently in her hand. She has to shake herself back into the present. "No, I did not. I don't know where that came from, actually."

River seems content to leave it at that, their brief conversation already twice as long as she'd probably meant it to be. She turns to leave out the way she came, but pauses at the doorway to look back over her shoulder.

"I suspect this won't be the last time we meet Sakura, but if it is…believe me on this. Rivers may demand respect, but so too do our deep desires. Face them down with the ferocity and fearlessness you showed the Daimyo today. Whom ever your heart chooses to want, want them bravely, or don't want them at all."

"I…Thank you-" Sakura says, stumbling over her words. That, of all things, she hadn't expected. "If you ever need me, don't hesitate to call."

"Are you offering that as a doctor, or as a Kunoichi?" River asks. Sakura feels like this will be their bit forever.

Sakura thinks of the future. Of the Summit. Of all the things still to be determined. "We'll find out soon, won't we."