- Silverware -
Sakura doesn't see Shikamaru again until the following morning, and even then he cuts the timing close.
She couldn't say she'd woken up feeling brand new either. Her memories of yesterday are still an emotional roller coaster. It's going to take more than 5 hours of sleep to truly take the edge off her nerves. What she needed was an extended vacation. What she got was something else all together. Her bad day begins with an off hand warning and quickly spirals out of control from there.
Once they are up, Kiwa talks Sakura into ordering room service for breakfast. Together they watch the Sun rise from their balcony, sipping iced mint tea and chatting while packing. It really should have been a lovely moment…but in truth Sakura was too preoccupied with all the issues she was juggling:
Her last talk with her Sensei before leaving for Suna.
Whether or not he was taking care of his wounds.
The Daimyo's final ruling on her Clinic proposal.
Temari calling to Shikamaru, asking if they could talk.
River's General having the collateral to have her arrested.
Yume kakashi and her complicated Jutsu.
A nose bleed she still didn't quite understand.
And wrapping up the messy package were unnamed feelings for Shikamaru she isn't ready to acknowledge.
Any one of these things should have been enough to overwhelm her, but the hospital had taught her how to compartmentalize. It had been one of the first things Tsunade had demanded from an overly emotional baby Sakura, a condition of her mentorship.
Sakura had learned over time to field several emergencies at once. It was the only way to deal with bigger emergencies: Natural disasters. Performing surgery on loved ones. Tsunade taught her that juggling was about keeping the balls in the air so you only had to deal with one at a time.
All Sakura had to do now was get home and things would eventually be okay. And if they weren't, they could be okay enough.
But until she does get home, she decides to focus on this time with Kiwa. She takes an appreciative look around her luxury suite, swirling more sugar into the bottom of her tea. She's just tucking the last of her clothing into her pack when a gentle knock raps at their hotel door. Kiwa answers it, then calls for Sakura's attention.
She hopes it's Shikamaru finally making an appearance, and is disappointed when it's not. Instead she's greeted by a familiar messenger in Fire Daimyo ruby robes. It's the same boy who first delivered Hitoshi's message to her, only this time his hands are burdened by two articles.
The first is a scroll made of recognizable ruby red paper, the second a soft package bundled together in matching gold cording. The messenger, having completed his assigned task, gives them his signature formal bow before taking his leave. Sakura closes the door in a confused hurry, trying not to leap to conclusions.
"What do you think it is this time?" Kiwa asks.
"It had better not be another political dinner." Sakura says, her fingers fumbling with the scrolls knotted seal.
Sakura can tell Kiwa is dying to unwrap the package, but she slaps the nin's pick-pocket hands away. "Let me read the scroll first." She says, finally undoing the tie and unrolling the message. Hitoshi's perfect calligraphy is unmistakeable, but she still has to read the note twice to process what it says.
Sakura,
Forgive me for not saying goodbye in person, but I will be in Summit meetings for the rest of the week. Still, I wanted to thank you for everything you've done. Regardless of the outcome of our proposal, I believe I have found in you a fellow fighting dreamer. I'm proud to call you one of Konoha's own. Trust in me to carry the burden of our work on from here. As for the package, don't open it until you get home. I have a feeling you'd try to refuse it otherwise. Just consider it a souvenir.
Until we meet again, Fire Daimyo Ikkyu Hitoshi
PS - While it isn't my intention to alarm you, just be on your guard for the next few weeks. You are on the Daimyo's radar now. Take care, and safe travels to you.
Sakura squishes the contents of the wrapped package. It sounds like expensive silk folded in expensive tissue paper. Her blood turns to gravel in her veins. She knows exactly which priceless robes have just been gifted to her.
She spends the rest of the morning rearranging her travel pack to safely transport her new priceless gift. More than once, her thoughts meander back to the footnote of Hitoshi's message. She throws another juggling ball onto her ever growing pile.
'Be on guard' is never something one likes to be told, but at least she'll be back in Konoha soon enough. Between Utsuho's dogged vigilance and Ruya's handy root-detection, it's highly unlikely anyone will catch them unaware.
Even still, the thought that someone might come after her makes her edgier than she cares to be.
Ten minutes before their designated meeting time, Kiwa and Sakura do a final sweep of their room. The point was to make sure nothing had been accidentally left behind. Instead, Sakura notices the expensive silverware missing from their room-service tray. She reprimands Kiwa until the nin reluctantly puts it all back where it came from.
"I'm surprised you didn't try to steal the god damn bedsheets." Sakura says.
"They wouldn't have fit in my pack."
- Avalanche -
Downstairs, the clock ticks ever onward. They should be on the road by now. Utsuho, Kiwa and Sakura stand at their designated departure point. They are ready to go at a moments notice. Utsuho scans through a message detailing threats they could encounter en-route while the girls look out for the rest of their party.
Kiwa tells Sakura more about her home town and its famous Ryokan. Sakura tries to keep her cool, but with every second that ticks on by, a nervous energy burrows deeper through the back of her neck. Something about the morning just doesn't feel right.
"If we hurry, we can make it in time for the harvest festival." Kiwa tells Utsuho.
"We'll get there when we get there, and not a moment sooner. Our priority is a safe and casualty-free trip." Utsuho says all this without looking up from his scroll.
Sakura can't help but fixate on his frown. This statement seems so unlike their convoy leader. This was the man who'd nearly run them into the ground getting them to Suna in the first place. Now he was interested in slow and steady?
He seems unusually preoccupied with his encrypted intel, and this puts Sakura on even higher alert.
"Any concerns I should be aware of?" She asks him, trying and failing to appear disinterested.
This seems to snap Utsuho out of his thoughts. "Nothing just yet." He says, shaking his head. But Sakura still feels like he's hiding something.
If he is, Kiwa doesn't share his concern. Ruya finally makes his descent, stepping off the elevator in loose fit clothing. Wide rimmed shades cover his normally observant eyes.
"Are you… hung over?" Sakura asks him.
Kiwa does her best to suppress a grin. "I don't even think he washed his face this morning." Her voice is a cocktail of indignity and play. "That's how you know it's really bad."
Ruya tugs his glasses to the edge of his nose, giving Kiwa a withering glare. "Even on my worst day, my skin's still better than yours. I'm still going to look 20 when you're an 80 year old hag."
Kiwa angrily stuffs his sunglasses back onto his face. It's a gesture Sakura feels like she's seen a hundred times, and that's when she realizes who it reminds her of- Ino and Shikamaru's sibling-like bickering. The overpowering need to see her friend seeps deeper into her bones.
Except, he isn't just her friend anymore. She couldn't even call him her best friend after yesterday. With everything he's done for her over the course of their trip, he's become…more.
The memories of her exploits with Yume-Kakashi last night are still raw and uncomfortable. Summoning him was a selfish thing she now wishes she hadn't done. It hurts all the more because she'd known exactly what she was doing. She's known exactly what feelings she was trying to cover up with his familiar kiss. She doesn't even have to ask Yume-Kakashi why he'd pushed her away last night. Deep down they both knew she'd been imagining someone else.
Kiwa and Ruya continue to bicker. It buys Sakura just enough time to swallow down her shame. Leave it to Sakura to screw up every relationship she has, even her imaginary ones.
She hadn't treated her Kakashi with respect, and lord knows he deserved better than last night. Better than the last year, too. Because even if he was just a figment of her imagination, she'd been using him to fill the void where her Sensei had been. And then where she'd wanted Shikamaru to be.
Where she wants Shikamaru to be...
There's something they don't tell you about being the smart friend. It really fucking sucks sometimes. Being oblivious might leave you naive, but it could have its uses. It could allow someone to carry on when things got hard. But being smart meant she was constantly aware of everything, all the time. It meant that just when you get use to juggling nine problems, someone comes along and asks if you can juggle one more.
The realization that she wants Shikamaru… really, really wants Shikamaru is the tenth problem that brings her whole system down. Just like that, her spiraling begins.
Their group is four for five now, but Shikamaru is late. He's never late. Why is he late?
She still hasn't seen him since the summit yesterday. Hasn't seen him since Temari asked if they could talk.
'What if he's gone?' Her irrational mind asks.
It's a question she's found herself asking in times of stress, even when there's no logical reason for her mind to go there.
'But what if he is?' The voice asks again. This time it drops a stone into her throat and she has to consciously swallow around it.
'Nothing is wrong. You're overreacting.' She thinks.
'But what if he's gone like Sasuke, and you're just STANDING here? What if he's gone and you never get him back?'
'We're going to get Sasuke back. Shikamaru isn't gone, you'll see.'
Sakura breathes out and counts to 10. She knows Shikamaru is probably fine. She's just overreacting like she always does.
But then a feeling of dread pricks its way up her spine. She's probably just being paranoid because the Summit is over. It's classic workaholic behavior to jump from one crisis into another. Her nerves might as well be razor wire for all the stress she's had this week. And besides, Ruya said he saw Shikamaru last night…
'That was over 12 hours ago. Anything could have happened since then.'
But she would know in a heartbeat if something happened to Shika. Her body just doesn't want to listen to her brain. If she hadn't been sweating in the summer heat before, she was definitely sweating now. It feels like someone has hidden a furnace inside her travel pack and the heat's just beginning to eat its way through.
She sets her pack down and flutters her shirt, trying to calm her racing heart. Kiwa is saying something from Sakura's right but all she can hear is her own ragged breath.
And then, a new realization dawns. A moment yesterday outside the Summit chambers amid the exchanging of hateful looks. Her memory of the Grass Daimyo has her mouth turning sour. Her heartbeat kicks wildly into atrial fibrillation. A high pitched ringing in her ears knocks out the sound and she registers that Kiwa is looking at her funny.
She counts to ten and lets out another slow breath. She needs to get her shit together.
The Grass Daimyo couldn't have done something to Shikamaru… Could he? Had he even seen her friend in person? Would he even know who Shikamaru was?
Sakura accidentally cuts off whatever Kiwa is about to say. "Are you sure you saw Shikamaru last night in the room?" She asks, turning fretfully to their convoy leader.
But before Utsuho can confirm or deny, a familiar set of footstep rings down the lobby. Shikamaru jogs up to their group in a hurry, his pack slung carelessly over one shoulder. Once again his hair is wet, and he hasn't had a chance to pull it back yet. He is whole and intact and completely fine, so now she has no reason to worry.
Except her heart keeps stuttering out an unreliable Bla-blang like every pan in her kitchen has been thrown down her stairwell. The edge of her vision is strangely blurry, and her fingertips feel weirdly numb to the touch.
"I'm sorry-" Shikamaru calls, face flushed from running. "Someone took forever in the bathroom this morning and I had to wait for the hot water to come back-"
The unknowable feeling in her chest is an oncoming avalanche. Her fear is a tidal wave she can't outrun. Logically, she knows he is completely safe in front of her, but his appearance doesn't stop an anxious fist from wrapping its fingers around her heart. Crushing, crushing, crushing…
Because the split second when she thought he might be missing was the split second she finally realized that she… that she loves…
Her body moves without her consent. When Shikamaru is not five feet from her, she finds herself stepping in to intercept his path. Her arms are around his waist and she nearly knocks him over, so desperate to hear his heartbeat. She needs to make sure he's real, alive. To make sure he's safe and not just another lucid dream.
Shikamaru, to his credit, only trips a little when she barrels wildly into his side. His pack drops from his shoulder onto the floor with a plop. He doesn't freeze until he hears her ragged breath.
Sakura doesn't care that her team is watching her, that she's sure she looks as crazy as she suddenly feels. She doesn't care about the strained way they left things yesterday, and doesn't care if she's exposing herself in front of a crowd.
"I was so worried about you-" She chokes out, fingers digging into his back. She hears her voice crack under the pressure of a held breath. Her words are muffled by his Chunin vest, but her tone is serious as a heart attack.
"Worried about me? Why…" An understanding seems to dawn on him. His ribs go still beneath her grip.
She waits for him to yell, or to push her away. Her thoughts are too loud and too close together.
'Ooh.' Her doctors brain says, diagnosing from a safe distance. 'Oh, this is a panic attack. Hmm…How interesting.'
This whole exchange takes place in the span of a second, her synapses firing into overdrive, faster than she can process. But then Shikamaru's hand is in her hair, dragging her into his chest like she belongs to him. He seems to have finally overcome his shock, and has moved on now to crisis management.
"Did you not tell her I was meeting with the Daimyo last night!?" Shikamaru yells. His words are a dagger aimed at Ruya's hung-over heart.
"I thought she already knew?" Ruya shrugs, and Kiwa shoves him over.
And then at once, Sakura is thrust back into her body. Her heartbeat is a stop watch with a measurable rhythm and her lungs inflate blissfully with useable air. Shikamaru grabs her shoulders and holds her away at arms length. His eyes pick her apart in painful detail- she is a microscope slide under his careful study, her face red with embarrassment from hugging him so publicly.
She wants to look everywhere except at his gaze, but he dips his head so she's forced to look into his eyes.
"I'm okay." He says in a reassuring tone. Her shoulders finally relax upon hearing his voice. His words convey more than the sum of their parts. "I'm okay." He repeats again. His hands squeeze her shoulders. Finally, finally, she believes him.
"Is she okay?" Kiwa asks with poorly concealed worry. It's the needle that pops the bubble between them and the outside world.
With a start, Sakura jumps away from Shikamaru. She misses the regret that's evident on his face.
"I'm-" She scrambles for a possible explanation, but in the end she settles for the simple truth. "I'm okay enough." She says, picking up her travel pack. "I'll be better after you take me to these magical mud baths I keep hearing about."
She somehow manages a tone light enough to break the mood. Soon they are making their way through unending sand dunes. Utsuho pushes them at a moderate pace. If they're lucky, they will only need to camp one night in the desert.
They travel for three days, and camp for three nights. The whole way, Shikamaru runs by her side, just as much her shadow as her very own.
- Authors Note -
I'm really proud of this chapter you guys. As someone who struggles with anxiety, it can be hard to find representation that feels sincere. The thing about a panic attack is it's rarely about what ever is happening in the moment and usually begins way before what ever the trigger event is. While Sakura's panic attack is resolved fairly easily here, it was still important for me to write, and I hope conveyed some of her deeper character / the life experiences that shaped her. But now we can begin my FAVORITE part of the story, the fun bit I've been looking forward to writing this entire time.
If you've liked my work, please consider leaving a review. It helps others to find this story, and makes me happier than I can say. Much love to you all, XOXO - VB