This is it guys. In essence, this is a double chapter. I worked really hard on this one, and I hope it pays off. Do yourself a favor and read this one when you can sit down and really enjoy it in one go. Take your time, that's what Linger is suppose to be about. Love you all - XOXO, VB
- Clear -
When they first check into the Kikutani Ryokan, it's the best kind of culture shock to Sakura's overstimulated mind.
While the Embassy Royal had been luxurious and decadent (everything decorated to full excess) the Kikutani had an air of history, and lots of it. Everything about the Ryokan was worn to a weathered patina, making it feel like they had traveled back in time. Verdant green moss clung to the cracks between the courtyard flagstones, and all the furniture seemed to be handmade antiques.
At check in, they are greeted by an attendant in simple robes. The man looks as old as the Ryokan himself. He recognizes Kiwa, even without his spectacles on. After a brief chat with the convoy nin, he guides their party out to a bunk house near the back of the extensive property. The main building was unfortunately at full capacity due to the festival, but they would be comfortable there all the same.
Their rooms are tiny closets compared to their sprawling Embassy suites, but the location is nicely secluded from the noise of the festival. Sakura is overjoyed upon hearing they each have their own rooms this time. Being honest, she's ready for a little privacy after the week of constant company.
The bunk house is a long walk from the main building. The entire compound is connected by a network of covered breezeways. When the attendant hands them each a room key, he also points out some of the Ryokan's other amenities: A bar and grill in the main building, an extensive series of well maintained gardens. There's also their celebrated mud pit cave and, of course, the adjacent hot springs entrance along the northern fence.
Despite Kiwa's insistence they try the mud pits first, Sakura has her mind set on other plans. While the boys wander off to explore the town (Shikamaru intent on hunting down a used book store) she wants some alone time in the hot springs waters. It's been three days since her fiasco with Yume-Kakashi, and she's well overdue a chat with him. If there's time, she plans to work on her Genjutsu as well. She has an experiment she wants to try that requires deep water.
After waving a quick goodbye to her convoy team, Sakura disrobes in the locker rooms and steps out into the open air. She soaks in the metallic tang of heavily mineralized spring water. More verdant foliage surrounds the spring, unbothered by the steam billowing up from the water's surface. The pools are an unnatural glacier blue, like something out of a dream. And yet, thanks to the ongoing festival, the pools appear to be unusually empty.
Beyond the bamboo privacy screens, Kiwa's hometown is just perking up from its afternoon lethargy. Preparations for the harvest festival are well under way- Vendors busily setting up stalls and eagerly displaying their wares. Even from inside the changing room, Sakura can hear children playing fair games and singing songs. Noises from the festival float around her, tempting her to forget about practice and make time for play. But she was curious about her idea, and that made her determined.
The woman at the front desk gives Sakura a curious look when she asks for a hot springs locker key. Because only an idiot would choose to be in here, floating in hot water on a hot summer evening, when a once a year festival beckons outside.
But Sakura is the kind of idiot who drinks hot tea on a hot day, so really this is nothing new.
She scans the pools first to make sure she's truly alone, then sits cross legged on the pool's stone ledge. She dangles her feet in the steaming water and begins to run through some meditation drills.
First she closed her eyes, letting her senses drop down and away from her body. Instead of wrestling with her anxieties, she allows her demons room to breath. She sits with her fears and let them roar instead of forcing them to be quiet. After a while, her demons get tired of yelling. They get bored pacing back and forth, rattling their cages. Eventually, she sits still long enough for them to all sit down with her. Instead of fighting them for dominance, she and her demons kept each other company.
One by one, the knots in her back relax as she settles into a deeper meditative state. It takes her longer to get there than it might have before the summit, but she has more worries to contend with now. It takes more work to create a peaceful space where her yume-Jutsu could shine through.
But she knows in the end the work will be worth it. Change is not a boulder you move all at once. It's a mountain of gravel you carry one bucket at a time.
The summit, the Grass Daimyo, her Sensei, Shikamaru, her Hokage, her proposal… she decides to set each of these worries aside for now. Maybe it's time to practice being hands off instead of trying to control the uncontrollable. All of those issues would be what they would be. Stressing about it had just spun her out and made her fragile. She doesn't want to be fragile anymore. If that meant letting go of a little control, then maybe her panic attack was her wake up call.
She knew she wasn't going to change her workaholic control freak lifestyle over night. But maybe if she was brave, she could change a little at a time. Maybe tonight, she could try a different way.
She opened her eyes, letting go of the last of her fears. Her worries. Her need to be perfect.
Finally, her heart feels clear. Now, she is ready to begin her experiment.
- Deep Waters -
45 minutes later, Sakura pants from the tole her Jutsu is taking on her chakra reserves. After running through a series of sensory drills, she'd moved on to manifesting various objects. It took a ton of effort, but Sakura now had a nearly perfect star-tipped Kunai in her water pruned fingers.
The real kunai sat over on the boundary stones, just outside the waters edge. It had taken her half an hour alone to generate a believable replica because she was trying to work around the problem of having Kakashi hand it to her. After a bit of trial and error, she'd discovered she could manifest familiar objects by reaching for them with her eyes closed.
For the first part of the exercise, she'd sat with the real kunai in front of her, memorizing it's shape anew by touch. After setting it aside, she held the shape brightly in her mind. With her eyes closed, she would then reach out to grasp a yume-kunai with her other hand. Her first few attempts were so visually flawed, they had disappeared in a puff of smoke when she'd opened her eyes.
20 or so tries later though, she'd finally gotten one to stick.
After that, she found she was consistently able to recreate her kunai out of thin air. Apparently, she'd done enough work to create a well-worn neural pathway. At least now it didn't feel like she was stumbling in the dark. Instead, it felt like being able to walk from her bedroom to her bathroom without turning the lights on.
The Yume-blade she held now was her best attempt yet, only superficially different from the real one by her towel. She flicks her nail hard against the Kunai's long handle, feeling the imaginary metal vibrate and sing. It felt as real as the flagstones beneath her. She couldn't smell or taste the thing, but those senses weren't important for todays exercise. What she wanted was to stress test her Jutsu against distractions, and that's where the hot springs came in.
Gripping the yume-kunai in one hand, she dives to the bottom of the pool. She settles there, legs crossed in a meditation seat, trying not to float.
She opens her eyes under the water, ignoring the burning sensation of the heavy minerals. She fixes her mind on the imaginary blade in her hands, then slowly she begins to count. At thirty seconds, her lungs begin to burn. She releases a bit of her held breath, focusing and refocusing on the jutsu-knife before her.
At one minute, her mind starts adamantly demanding air. At 68 seconds, the kunai disappears from her fingers, the spell broken by the burning of her oxygen starved lungs. She kicks off the bottom of the pool, racing for the surface.
Repeat. Repeat again.
After catching her breath for the umpteenth time, Sakura needs to take a break. It took more tries than she wants to admit to break the 73 second mark.
Hours later she floats limp in the water, breathing heavily and looking up at the sky. The light is just beginning to fade into evening, and her stomach is growling with unavoidable hunger. Her fingers are way beyond pruney now, but still she doesn't want to get out of the water. Instead, she continues to linger, suspended in the silent embrace of her private hot spring.
She's almost content to stare up at the sky forever. Her progress today has been exponential. Now she can maintain smaller manifestations under pressure. Under distress, even. The fact that she can do it without her Kakashi is it's own enormous step.
She knows the hour is growing ever later. She needed to hurry up and get ready for dinner…But there is something she still needs to do. There are amends with Yume-kakashi she still needs to make. She hadn't seen him since that night at the Embassy.
Whether or not he's a figment of her imagination, she didn't like how she'd left things between them. He was starting to feel weirdly sentient to her lately… If she didn't address her behavior for his sake, she at least needed to do it for her own. And yet, she's so nervous…
As before, Sakura knows that debating her choices isn't going to expand them. She could either summon him, or she could not. Option 1, or option 2.
She makes her decision before she loses her nerve.
She swims to the shallow end of the pool, letting the water seep heat into her bones. Her mind begins to drift like she's falling asleep. Once she's meditated into the right state of mind, she stands up in the water and pools chakra into her belly. Yes, she's nervous to see him after their last encounter… but she's a little excited to see him too. She pours more chakra into his manifestation, ready to finally have this conversation…
But when he fails to take shape beside her, she knows instantly that something is very, very wrong.
If summoning him before had only needed a feather light touch, today it's like trying to lift a boulder without chakra. The weight of calling him nearly drowns her. Her ears ring with a grinding metallic whine. She has to drop the Jutsu when it reaches an untenable pitch, shaking her head before trying again.
What on earth was going on?
Moving out of the water, she sit up onto the flagstones ledge. She situates her posture so she can concentrate better. Maybe she's just fatigued from all of her earlier practice…
But when she tries to call for him again, his form continues to evade her. It's like she's trying to open a door, but someone is pulling it shut from the other side. Her mind begins to race with panic. It's like something is violently shutting her out. Her head begins to swim from the heat and the effort. Now she's not just dizzy, she's hyperventilating.
'Come back.' She begs, reaching for him again. 'Kakashi!'
But their link is silent as a grave. She's never had a problem calling him before.
Adrenaline makes her blood race, and her thoughts start to spiral. 'Please!' She screams inside her thoughts. She reaches for chakra she doesn't know she has, pulling it away from her muscles and organs. She pulls it from her lungs until her lips turn blue. She calls and calls and calls his name, pulling on their imaginary bond like his presence is a life line. Something inside her goes taut, then finally snaps.
When he finally appears, he is beyond furious. He is wrath and sadness unending. He is despair she didn't know he could possess.
"Sakura!" He shouts, just corporeal enough to be seen when his voice finally rings through to her. Her own chakra is flung back to her like a game of tug-of-war she's finally won. She nearly drops his manifestation because the whiplash slams into her so hard.
Then, her Kakashi is bearing down on her, his body in the water between her knees. She knows through their bond that his anger isn't really anger.
Because it's actually fear, and Kakashi is terrified.
"You Stupid girl!" He screams at her. His voice is a punishment, but his hands are her reward. Even though he's upset, he clings to her desperately. His hands on her naked body shutter in unending terror. His fingers fly up to cup her face. He examines her eyes and tilts back her chin. It takes her a moment to sort through his disjointed thoughts- She's never been able to sense his before.
Through the haze of his conflicting emotions, she realizes what he's doing. He's looking for a bloody nose, checking to make sure she's safe.
"I'm okay." She promises, her voice suddenly exhausted. She leans out over the water and drapes herself onto him. "I'm okay." She says. The spring water ripples around his hips when he moves.
Somehow, she finds herself pulled back into the pool, her body folded into his arms. He cradles her there, weightless in the water. They stay silent and still for a long, long time.
It takes a while for her to recover, for her senses to fully go back to normal. Once more, her thoughts are all her own. She leans into him like she's looking for a heartbeat, and he pushes a thought down their bond for her to catch. It's like he's testing this new ability of theirs. With it she understands wordlessly what had happened on his end.
"You didn't want to come back." She says, voice trembling. The thought that he had tried to stay away drags her to the edge of tears. "You weren't going to come back. You were going to leave me alone…"
Despite the hot spring, he is fully clothed- something she can't say about herself. The rough spun fabric of his flak jacket scratches against her waterlogged skin. She doesn't care if it leaves her skin feeling raw's, she's just so happy to see him again. Maybe she's already raw on the inside. She doesn't know what she would do if he ever left her for good.
"I hurt you last time. You shouldn't have brought me back." He says. His voice is laced with real pain. "I didn't know how bad it was, or if you were even okay. One minute, you were falling through my fingers and the next…I was just gone."
She'd always wondered where he went when he wasn't busy taking care of her. She wonders if it felt like falling asleep, or if he was alive only somewhere else.
He pulls back just enough to look her in the eyes. "Don't you ever do that again." He says. She can feel through their bond exactly what he means.
She had stupidly pulled chakra from her vital organs, enough to jump start an electric generator. If he'd resisted her any more than he had, she could have pulled chakra away from her heart. She could have gone into sudden cardiac arrest.
Their legs intertwine beneath the water. He holds her so she doesn't have to hold herself. "Don't you ever do that again." She admonishes him. But her voice is weak from exhaustion. She's suddenly too tired to even sleep.
Yume-Kakashi takes in her exhaustion with a frown, but otherwise acknowledges that she's okay. This seems to get her off the hook for now, but she knows she's going to get a parental lecture later. Somehow, for better or worse, he is now much more than he was before.
"Were you okay, though?" He asks, resting his chin atop her head.
"I was… okay enough." She says. She turns her face into his chest. "The nose bleed was only superficial. I don't even think it had anything to do with you."
He tenses in her arms, unconvinced.
"You're not dangerous." She tells him. She doesn't need to hear his thoughts to read his mind.
His voice is deadly serious when he speaks his next words. "But what if I am, Sakura? What if I hurt you again, only next time it's worse."
She's trying to follow exactly what he's saying. "You would never hurt me." She says, and deep down she knows it's the truth. She knows it in her very bones. Knows it the way she knows her own name. "I do think I hurt you though." She says.
When Kakashi looks down at her in curiosity, she tries something she hasn't done before. She actively pushes a memory through their bond, watching him for the moment when it arrives. She is guilt and embarrassment incarnate. She cringes at the memory of throwing herself at him, of kissing him hungrily when he'd asked her to wait.
Kakashi tilts his head, sorting through her various emotions. They spend a moment communicating non verbally like this. Slowly, it gets easier and easier to do.
"No, I wasn't hurt. I was terrified." He says, sinking lower in to the water. He puts their eyes at equal level so she can really look at him. "You were drunk, but I could still read your heart. I knew I wasn't what you really wanted. But believe me, I wanted to give it to you anyway." He pauses here to admire her blush. She sinks down into the water to hide more of her face.
"But I only ever want to do that with you if I know you won't regret it afterwards. I don't…. I don't think I could survive you regretting me."
All she can do is nod at him, water rippling all around. She knows that she can't go fix the past, but she makes a vow here to do better in the future. What ever this fever dream of a fantasy she has with him, she still needs to be the best version of herself she can be, or she will not be worthy of him at all.
'Of any of them.' She finds herself thinking. Her feelings for Shikamaru being thrown into the mix only makes things more complicated.
But as he has a tendency to do, Yume-Kakashi reads her heart. He doesn't stiffen or get possessive. Instead he laughs, and kisses her forehead. It's such a strange and intimate gesture, being shown affection when you feel at your worst.
"It's called forgiveness." He says.
And with that, something changes. Her heart finally begins to untangle. She doesn't feel quite so exhausted anymore.
His silver hair hangs around his eyes, heavy from the weight of water he isn't touching. She marvels at how brilliant her subconscious mind can be, how vivid the details of her imagination are. They spend the next few minutes exchanging thoughts in silence, bound up in each others arms and each others minds. His lips remain half pressed into her hair. The tension eases as they drift together.
She realizes belatedly that he's reading her memories, catching himself up to speed. It's like he's remembering the past few days for himself. She can see flashes of what he's looking at, can feel his arms tighten protectively when he sees her panic attack. Feels them relax when she finally clings to Shikamaru, realizing he was safe and alive.
He plays over one particular moment. The one where she finally accepts she's in love with her best friend.
"So… Shikamaru." He says. His words are sly and deviously all knowing.
"Yeah… I guess so." She says, shy and embarrassed.
"Things between you two were bound to change eventually." She can't tell if he's just speaking his own mind or intentionally repeating Ino's words. She'd thought he might be angry, or maybe even jealous. But instead he just seems… relieved.
"But nothing's change." She says, redirecting her thoughts. "Just because I accept how I feel…It doesn't mean he feels the same." Her thoughts linger on her memory of Temari. She still doesn't know what happened between them.
"Do I just have a habit of loving unavailable men?" She asks.
"I literally fucking exist at your beck and summon." He says, and it's so out of left field it makes her snort when she laughs. She chokes on just enough spring water to make her sputter.
His shoulders finally relax around her, and unconsciously she mirrors him. She can't help the stupid smile across her face.
"That makes you the most unavailable of them all." She says, half teasing but also half meaning it.
"I would think my situation actually gives me an advantage." He says, pulling away just far enough to gaze at her. "I can read your mind, anticipate your needs, and when you're mad at me you can just send me away. I'm like your Emotional Support Sensei, except you don't have to worry about feeding me."
His tone is so outlandish, she has to lash out at him. She splashes water in his face, using the distraction to dive back under the water. She sinks to the bottom and holds her breath. He follows her under, refusing to let her out of his sight. Slowly, she begins to count.
Through the water, she watches him watching her. His gaze is unconcealed worship of the divine, an addictive kind of exaltation. At 62 seconds, his image turns blurry.
He tries to say something underwater, but she's distracted enough that she can't hear him. When she's about to drown, he gestures to the surface. Finally, she follows. She sputters for air, catching her breath. They bob in the water, apart and back together.
"I think you're getting stronger." He says when she can finally breathe normally. Then, he looks down at his gloved hands. He flexes and rolls long, agile fingers. "And I think I'm getting stronger too. We should do more tests when we get back. I might even be able to run with you now."
She watches the way the water drips off him. He's so real to her…she can't tell if the water is likewise an illusion, or if he's becoming more corporeal. But he couldn't be… could he?
But before she can ask him, he's turning to her. His face is set with determination. "So what are you going to do about Shikamaru." He asks.
She shivers, despite the waters heat. That was the question, wasn't it.
"What do you think I should do?" She asks, dodging his gaze.
When he studies her, she can read his eyes like a map. He looks like he's about to say one thing, but then he bites back his words, scrunching his face and looks away. When he turns back, his voice is a forced coolness. "I want you to do what will make you happy."
"That's not what you really want to say." She accuses.
"Fine, you want the truth?" Uh-oh, that's his Sensei voice… "I think that you have three options." He says. He is being real with her in a way he's never been before. It's an abrasive but delicious friction, and she isn't exactly mad about it.
"Option one, you find your balls. No, don't shush me, I'm being serious. You find the balls you had when the River general called you a child, and you use them to go do something brave." He was definitely in Sensei mode right now, and damn her, she was a teachers pet to her very core.
"You go up to Shikamaru, tonight and you tell him how you really feel. Better yet, show him. The kid will love it."
"Can we just go back to you saying what ever I subconsciously want you to say?" She begs. She sinks lower in the water now, covering up her nose and her mouth. She can't believe she's having this conversation with him.
"No, this is tough love and you need to hear it."
But then, his expression changes. He looks almost vulnerable. He rolls his eyes and runs his hands through his damp hair, scattering droplets of water about. Then he leans in, lowering his voice. He speaks to her like the world exists just between the two of them, and for the next few minutes they really do.
"Option two… is you let me love you." His sincerity catches her off guard. "You come home to me every night, and carry me with you every day. We won't be able to share a meal, I won't be able to help with the chores…. But we can share our time, and we can share our lives."
He moves closer to her now, pressing her backwards in the water until her back hits the edge of the pool. "You will never lose me, and I will never stop loving you. I'll show you how much you matter to me every single night, in all the ways that I know best. And when our end comes in 80 years, we will die together on the same day, and I'll never have to know another dreamless moment without you."
Her heart is a hammer pulsing through every single limb. He pins his hands to either side of her, cutting off any means of escape. Her blood races, and even though she isn't under water, she realizes she's holding her breath. She lets it out in a slow, controlled exhale.
"It sounds like a fantasy." Her voice is weak with want. Her face is too hot. His eyes are too hypnotizing.
But when he continues talking, they transform with a deep, sad longing.
"But in that time where we are together, your friends will go on to find real partners. They will go on to build families, have kids, and go through trials. Their relationships will be tested every day in ways that ours could never be. Even still, theirs relationships will be something they can share with everyone around them. They will all become better for it."
He swallows hard, placing a finger under her chin, forcing her to lift his gaze. "You and I would have each other, in every way that matters. But in other ways that also matter, you would be alone."
He lets go of her chin, allowing her to break the stare. "Still think that sounds like a dream?"
Her eyes prick with tears that refuse to fall. This thing that could possibly exist between them is just as much a double or nothing bet as anything else in this world.
"So what are you trying to tell me?" She asks.
"I'm trying to tell you that this is a beautiful dream. If you say the word, I won't talk you out of it. I don't think it's wrong to dream…but I do think it's wrong to settle just because you're afraid to get hurt. I can give you what want, but I can't give you everything you need. In a way, that's not fair to either of us."
A new weight settles into the pit that exists where her heart use to beat. She knows he's telling her the truth. Is maybe telling her the truth for the first time in their relationship. Sakura thinks back on his words, to what he's said about Shikamaru.
"How do I tell him?" She finally asks.
Kakashi shrugs, like the answer should be obvious. "Just… talk to him like you do with me. He's a smart guy, and he's pretty good at listening. I think you'll find it easier than you think." He cups her waist with his fingertips, both his thumbs run down her abdomen. "Just tell him what you want."
"And what about what he wants?" She defends, refusing to be distracted by his touch. "What if he wants someone else, and I… I don't know…"
"Shikamaru is a man. He isn't a traumatized boy that needs to be fixed. But that's exactly why he's good for you, and it's exactly why you're scared of him. He doesn't need you to take care of him. He's not your patient. He's your equal. And if he's really your best friend, you two will find a way to work things out."
Sakura's heart turns over, taking all her veins and arteries with it. She imagines telling Shikamaru how she feels. Of losing the love she's only just now accepted.
"Option 3." She states.
"What?"
"You said I had 3 options. So, what's option 3?" He may be a figment of her imagination, but he was still a Kakashi. She had to look underneath the underneath.
He knows she's being stubborn, but he doesn't chastise her for it. Instead, he shrugs. "You choose neither."
This is not what she is expecting to hear.
"Option 3 is you go live a life you would be proud to look back on, no matter what. You don't need anyone else to be complete. You are enough, Sakura."
Somehow, out of all the things he's ever said to her, this is what makes her love him most. And it is what finally makes her actually want to be brave.
"As for Shikamaru… Be with him or don't be with him. Be with me, don't be with me. Both could be fine options. Both of them come with risks. But even though you don't need a partner, I hope you find the courage to take that risk one day. To fight for love, no matter the cost."
A clatter comes from the locker rooms behind her. The exterior doors to the women's hot spring opens with a click. Chatter and motions erupt behind her. Of all the times for them to be interrupted, it had to happen now.
Her body goes rigid at the fear of losing him. What if he fights her next time she tries to bring him back? She's not ready to say goodbye just yet. She doesn't want him to leave…
She wants to linger in his arms, even for just a second more. She still doesn't know what she's going to do, how she's going to tell Shikamaru how she feels…
"You'll figure it out, Sakura." Kakashi says, reading her eyes if not her heart. She hopes to god he's right.
The he tilts his head, eyes smiling. He cups her face with the most gentle intimacy.
"Hold your breath." He whispers.
He says it like he's saying I love you.
Then, he pulls them both under the sink together to the bottom like stones. He leans in and kisses her like the world was dying and they were going out together with it. Like he wants to kiss her until there is nothing left at all. In that kiss, she sees their potential life together- those hypothetical 80 years of nothing but him.
He reads her thoughts, then kisses her deeper. He pushes an image back into her mind:
She's looking at her 80 year old self, wrinkled a weathered but still so strong. There's a band on her finger for a man she loves, but it's paired with a full life of purpose and meaning. Someone behind this version of her calls out her name. Her older self turns to look over her shoulder…but Sakura can't see who the caller is. But she knows intrinsically that this version of her is happy. Her face is full of love because she loves herself.
'No matter what you choose to do, this is what I want for you.' Yume-Kakashi thinks. They drift through the water like a fairytale dream. She is fully aware that she's about to drown, but the dream is so good she's prepared to die for it.
Kakashi however, has other plans. He gives her a last, quiet kiss, then bites her lip so hard the shock makes her yelp under the water. She swallows tangy mineral water and is burns all the way up her nose. When she opens her eyes, Kakashi is gone. She's floating in the water alone.
She races her air bubbles up to the surface, coughing and sputtering when she finally finds sky.
A crowd of old ladies jump in fright at the sight of a girl appearing from the abyss. Sakura doesn't hear what ever they call out to her. She is still trying to cling to the dream.
She goes into the locker room and finds a chair to sit in, dizzy from chakra levels nearly spent. She falls asleep there for over an hour. When she wakes up, she feels unbelievably refreshed.
She remembers Kakashi saying she was getting stronger, but this is the first time she's really felt like it. Two years ago, she would have been asleep for days after using her Jutsu for half that time. Somehow, she feels more energized than before.
She doesn't know what time it is, or how long she's been gone. But instead of rushing in stress or anxious worry, she heads back to her guest room at an easy walk.
She's ready to face the rest of the night…And maybe, maybe ready to be brave.