Sasuke-kun's response came to me while I was walking home from work. The shadow flitted over me several times before I looked up. My heart flew to my throat when I realized the large bird was hovering above me, carefully out of my reach.
It was here.
Sasuke-kun actually wrote back.
I raised my hand slowly toward it. Even if because of our past encounter, the hawk and I could never be friends, it was going to have to get closer to me in order to deliver its message. It refused to land on my arm, so I had to make a grab for the tube attached to its foot. My fingernail caught just the edge of it and the rolled parchment fell into my hand before the bird flew off.
No chance of giving a return response then… Naruto was able to catch the hawk the first time. Maybe he would be able to do it again.
I looked down at the rolled paper and saw my name written in kanji. Just my name. Not Naruto's. I felt a fleeting form of flattery and possessiveness before I decided that I needed to get home and read it as fast as possible. I stopped walking at my leisurely pace and took to leaping from building to building instead.
Ino wasn't home yet, which was good as I wanted to be alone when I read my letter. I went to my bedroom, locking the door just in case before climbing onto my bed and leaning against the window. My hands were shaking, and I was suddenly nervous about reading it. I unrolled the paper, the back of it displaying my name. I held my breath before counting to 10 and then flipped it over.
My eyes scanned the entire letter first before reading it from the beginning, picking up random sentences, filling me with dread. 'I'm sorry' was written at least three different times.
'I will not be returning to the village.'
'Please try to move on without me.'
'I'm sorry for hurting you again.'
My eyes welled up with tears before I could read it properly. 'Thank you for always loving me.' That sentence caught my eye and I read it over and over again, trying to hold onto the small feeling of joy it brought me as long as possible. I would always love him. I would keep on loving him.
'Please take care of Naruto,' the letter ended. I read it again, as if it would say something different a second time. I read it a third time, skipping over the most painful parts and onto some sections that sounded more positive. He said he had found a purpose outside the village, and that he was currently working on a task that would redeem all the wrongs he had committed. I should be happy for him. I was, in a way; In the way that one is grateful for having the memories of someone who was no longer in their life.
I stared at the individual characters of the words, noting how beautiful and elegant his handwriting was. Then I read the letter again, slowly, from the beginning, hearing his voice in my head, feeling as though he was here with me, saying all these things. A tear fell onto the paper, smearing the ink slightly and I quickly blotted it with my shirt, not wanting to lose yet another part of him.
Naruto must have gotten his own letter. Sasuke-kun could have written all this to the both of us in one, but I was glad that he didn't. I didn't want to share this pain with Naruto. Not yet. This was something Sasuke-kun solely chose to give to me only and I wanted to treasure it as long as I could.
There was a knock on my bedroom door. "Forehead, did you eat? I'm ordering takeout from that vegetarian place down the road. What should I get you?"
"I-" I put a hand to my tight throat, sending in chakra to try to relax the muscle so my voice sounded clearer. "I did already eat. Sorry! They had leftovers in the breakroom at work."
"Oh, alright." I heard Ino walk away. I knew that it only bought me some time, as she would come check up on me if I didn't leave my room for the rest of the evening.
I rolled up the letter back tight, pressing it against my raw face. I got a whiff of campfire smoke along with the smell of parchment and for some reason, that tore a sob from my throat. I held the message to my chest instead, covering it with my hands like I was hiding a secret.
What do I do? What do I do?
The question repeated in my head as I looked around my room. My brain was trying to choose between fight or flight due to my distress. I couldn't scream at the top of my lungs like I wanted to. Ino would hear me. I didn't want Ino to find out. I didn't want her to know that she was proven right again. She had known that chasing after Sasuke-kun's love was fruitless because she had already experienced the heartbreak. I should have found some camaraderie if I went to her, support and understanding.
But I couldn't.
I felt foolish. I thought I had been different from her. I thought that Sasuke-kun would choose me back. Despite everything, I had somehow had that hope.
I needed to wait until Ino was gone, until I was alone, to freak the fuck out the way my body was screaming to.
And then there was Naruto.
I paused in my pacing. If Naruto got a letter, he would have gotten it the same time I did. Sasuke-kun would have made sure of it. I had a stupid thought that maybe Sasuke-kun's rejection was due to him wanting Naruto instead, but no. If he wasn't coming back to the village, he couldn't be with Naruto either. Naruto would be heartbroken.
Already, it seemed like Naruto had been holding himself together with threads. He didn't like showing it. Sometimes, it seemed Naruto could bounce back and forth from smiles to sobs over any situation. He didn't want people to know he suffered. He wouldn't seek out help. I would have to go to him. He would require my comfort. He would need me.
I realized for the last several months I had been his rock. Ino too. I had been the sensible one, mothering them around, making sure they were taking care of themselves.
I needed to be the rock. I stared at my shaking hands. I was crumbling to dust!
Ino knocked again at my door. "Hey, Sakura. What are you doing in there anyway?" I grabbed a kunai off from my desk without thinking, my brain suddenly settling with the choice of fight. Who was I going to fight? Ino?
I pressed the tip of it to my palm just above my wrist, blood seeping out slowly with my adrenaline. "I'm unpacking," I said in an incredibly calm voice, watching the red roll down my wrist from the pressure of the weapon. I had my hand over my desk, in a half-hearted attempt to keep the blood from hitting the floor, but it was dripping over the edge now and getting there anyway.
"Finally! Do you need any help?"
I watched the mess I was making, unconcerned by it as it spread, drip after drip. "I would like to have control over one room in this apartment, Ino."
"I just want to take inventory of what you have."
I pulled out a couple of tissues and attempted to clean the desk in slow circles. All it did was seem to rub the blood deeper into the grain of the wood, more blood still running down my elbow. "I don't want you throwing out all my clothes."
"But then we can buy new ones!" she whined.
"If I promise to go clothes shopping with you, will you let me do this in peace?"
"Fine, but I'm holding you to that! No excuse of you being on a budget!"
"I promise."
Ino finally went away, and I healed the wound to an angry looking scab. I dressed it with an antiseptic after cleaning off my arm, tissues and swabs carelessly thrown into my wastepaper basket. I kept the wound sore, so I could press on it every so often when my throat and nose were too constricted to breathe.
Once I was completely clean of blood, I picked up the parchment again, climbing back onto my bed and watching the sun sink below the horizon out my window. My head was still coming up with responses to Sasuke-kun's letter; things like how it didn't matter, I would wait for him, he could change his mind. There was no way to reply. He had made sure of that. Was this because Sasuke-kun thought Naruto and I wanted to progress without him? I wanted to explain ourselves. We were only looking to reach him, so that the distance didn't seem so far away.
As the night carried on, I was beginning to accept that things were over. I stared over the words in the dying light, finding sincerity in them. 'I will not be returning to the village.' Why? Why not ever? Why not even after he gained forgiveness and redemption?
Because he did not want to, and I didn't want to force him. I needed to set him free.
As soon as the sun began to rise, I dressed and went out for a run. It was a slow run. I had several hours before my next shift, and I didn't want to lap the village too many times. Part of me was afraid I would run into someone, but if I did, they did not get my attention. I kept my eyes on the ground right before me, each step feeling heavy. My chest was burning by the end of it.
I showered at work and started my day as normal. I had skipped breakfast, and with both my body and mind tired, I was able to function without any extra thinking. No one noticed the cut on my hand, as I effectively had it concealed with vinyl gloves. Whenever there was a break, whether it was a pause in someone else's sentence, or the few minutes waiting for a patient's test results to show, I felt a sick feeling creep into my chest, and I would press into my injury to chase it away. I could function while empty. It was when I was filled up with emotions that it was a problem.
As my shift was coming to an end, I had a thought of seeking out Naruto. Maybe I should have gone to him right away. I was up all night. It wasn't like I had been doing anything else.
But I didn't want to.
Talking about this to Naruto felt like finality. It would be truly over then. I didn't know what it would mean after. Sasuke-kun had told me to take care of Naruto. Did he just expect me to be supportive or did he mean to continue our relationship? Was that something I even wanted? It wasn't at the moment, not without Sasuke-kun, but perhaps maybe one day, once I had truly moved on.
Regardless, Naruto and I were still friends and that would never change. I needed to be there for him.
But I wasn't ready.
I didn't go home because I wasn't ready to face Ino either. Ino knew me too well and would be able to pick up that something was wrong. She probably already noticed that I was avoiding her. I didn't have much time.
I went to a training field instead. Perhaps Ino wouldn't find it odd if I was home late because of some evening training. I changed back to the dirty clothes I had worn during my run. I went to a more secluded training ground, knowing that all students from the academy would have been home at this time. The upper-level shinobi didn't train as much now that we were at peace. I still called out Lee's name in case he was somewhere I couldn't see. When I got no reply, I began to stretch.
I went through some basic forms first, loosening up my body. I didn't have a sparring partner which made what I could do limited, unless I wanted to destroy some things.
I picked up speed on my punches and kicks, hopping from foot to foot, being quick, but hitting the air wasn't very satisfying. I'd had gotten in trouble from ruining training grounds in the past, so when I jumped into the air to kick a crater into the ground, it was controlled, only allowing the hole to be 10 feet in diameter. All of my techniques were about control; That was the whole basis of medical ninjutsu. Storing that amount of chakra could only be done by having perfect manipulation, and it was needed in order to wield such power, or it could be drastically dangerous.
I didn't want to be in control.
I punched through a tree trunk, the speed and power of it made a clean hole without much splintering or damaging the look of the tree. I knew I had killed it anyway. It would slowly die from the affliction.
I ripped the 50-foot tree out of the ground and hurled it to who knew where, the sound of it whistling away into non-existence. I screamed after it now that I was truly alone. I screamed until I was hoarse, and I felt the emotions start to fill me up again. My hands in fists, the pressure on my palm was not enough to keep me together this time. Angry tears streamed down my face. I wasn't even sure who I was mad at: Myself for being stupid? Sasuke-kun? Naruto for letting me think we could all be together?!
I grabbed another tree, flinging it carelessly. I pulled out more, not even looking at them, as if I was ripping up a bouquet of flowers.
"I wasn't going to say anything…"
I dropped my latest victim with a thump in surprise at the unexpectant voice, my hands going to my chest in fright and letting out a gasp so high pitched it sounded like a squeak. It was really a miracle I heard him speak at all, with the noise of roots being forcefully pulled out of the ground and all of my shouting.
"... because clearly you were looking to be, and thought you were alone. But I am going to have to ask you to leave this particular tree alone, as I'm quite fond of it. I have yet to find one that is nearly as comfortable to sit in."
"Kakashi-sensei?! What the hell are you doing here?!" I shouted outraged. I was angry and embarrassed that he had seen me like this. I wiped my face with my hands, trying to reduce the swelling but it was too late now. He would have known I was crying.
Kakashi-sensei shrugged his shoulders from his position on a branch leaning against the tree's trunk. One arm was resting on his knee with his fingers keeping its place in his book. He lifted it slightly. "Training," he answered. He was not wearing the Hokage hat and robe. In fact, besides his usual mask he was in nothing but civilian clothes.
"Why aren't you in your office?!" I accused, sniffling.
"Can't I relax in the evening? It's not like I live there. Though, speaking of me being the Hokage, haven't we already had a conversation on how to treat the training grounds?"
"Yes, sensei," my voice was tight and pathetic. "I'll plant more trees. This won't happen again."
"Perhaps preventing it from happening again means addressing the reason it was happening at all. You seem… upset."
"I just got carried away."
"You are in tears."
I clumsily wiped at my eyes. "Ha, ha! Um, it's stress. I mean, that's why people cry, because the body needs to get rid of stress. It releases oxytocin and endorphins and helps heal tissues. Really, shinobi not being allowed to cry is stupid, because they are constantly put through high stress levels. Training and exercise can only go so far. Crying is really quite healthy, and I really needed it today, because I'm so stressed at work. There's just so much to do all the time that I forgot to eat. It's probably that time of the month that I'm low in iron. I need to eat more spinach."
"I really should have taught you kids how to lie better."
I stopped my rant, hands on my hips. "Why didn't you teach us that?!"
"Eh, must have slipped my mind."
I stood there, staring at him with wide eyes, trembling.
"First lesson: Keep your lies concise. Clear and simple is best. And even you should know to at least keep eye contact."
I looked him dead in the eye. "I'm fine," I said.
He shook his head. "You swallowed. Try again."
"My mouth is dry," I muttered, staring at the ground.
"Eye contact, Sakura."
"Kakashi-sensei, I don't really need a lesson right now."
"What is it that you need then?"
I shook my head. "Nothing! Really!"
"I think what you need is to cry."
I bit my lip, refusing.
"I was just told how therapeutic it is. There's no sense hiding it. I already saw you."
I tore my gaze away from him, crossing my arms stubbornly. "I'm done now. I got it all out of my system. It was just a rough day."
"If I could take a guess, you went against my advice and wrote to Sasuke anyway, and he has replied with something unkind, which you have received around the time he sent his correspondence to me yesterday evening. It would explain why his message was a few minutes late. He's never late."
I had forgotten who exactly I was talking to. I realized Kakashi-sensei's past stern, unhelpfulness wasn't because he didn't have the time or care. He had been trying to protect us. I felt my face heat up again.
"Yes, Kakashi-sensei. Our lesson has surely been learned."
I heard him sigh, and then drop down from the tree. His shadow casted over me as I shamefully stared at the ground. "It wasn't meant to be a lesson." I fidgeted under his gaze. "Go ahead. Cry, Sakura," he commanded.
And with that, I could not stop it. My face crumbled and I hid it with my hands.
"Here, sit," he stated calmly, guiding me gently to the ground with him. I sobbed into my hands, ugly crying for several long moments. Kakashi-sensei waited patiently beside me. He had his book draped over his thigh, but he didn't pick it up to read it, even though he must have been bored just sitting there.
I cried until I could no longer breathe or sniffle through my nose. Since this forced me to breathe through my mouth, I was letting out loud gasping noises.
"Here." I looked up with bleary eyes to see that Kakashi-sensei was offering me something cloth-like and black. "It's all I have on hand," he explained. I realized it was a spare face mask. I was still hesitant to take it. "It's okay. Snot and tears are much easier to clean out than blood."
I took it, holding it to my nose as it was starting to run quite embarrassingly. I sat there, head pressed into my knees as I covered my mouth and nose with the mask.
"In a way," Kakashi-sensei murmured in a very quiet voice. I almost didn't hear him say it over my shuddering. "I see myself in Sasuke and a weird part of me feels responsible over the way he treats you."
"That's… dumb," I managed to mumble.
"I know. It's completely ridiculous. It also means that I'm not good when it comes to dealings of the heart or knowing words of comfort. But if it makes you feel better, or if you are worried about it, I've got Sasuke on a mission. I don't know what overdramatic thing he's said to you, but if you are worried about his well-being, I've got him busy to make sure he doesn't get lost in his own head. I'm not saying he's safe, exactly. Life as a shinobi will always hold risk, but I promise you I'll do my best to make sure nothing happens to him by his own hand."
I nodded my head, clutching my makeshift handkerchief. Sasuke-kun had told me he had found purpose in his letter. I should be grateful. I should be happy for him. What more could I really ask for? Sasuke-kun was serving his village as a ninja should, serving our village.
"Yes. Thank you, Kakashi-sensei…" I closed my eyes. "That is… That is good. It's better than what we could have ever hoped for, really. I… If I love him, I should be happy. It should be what's best for him, and not what I want. I was being selfish."
He put a hand on my shoulder. "No. You're being human." I felt another series of tremors threaten to reveal themselves. "Again, because I see myself in him, you shouldn't feel stupid because he wasn't emotionally ready to return your feelings. I don't want to give you hope of him coming around, because I can't say I've gotten much better at dealing with other people's emotions with age, but he will mature, be less angry, less cruel, and eventually, hopefully forgive himself. People hurt each other, especially people that they are close to. It's inevitable. And in turn the hurt people hurt others. It's a vicious endless cycle." He shook his head. "But as we get older, as we learn about the pain we inflict on others, we begin to understand ourselves and do our best to prevent it. You're very young, Sakura. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but there's a good chance that you'll fall in love again, with someone else. You might hurt that person. Maybe the next one too. But you will slowly learn. And maybe later Sasuke won't be such a brat and you will re-connect, but maybe not. I have faith that this generation will have a long, peaceful life, enough time to get it all figured out."
I had calmed down during Kakashi-sensei's speech. I had even stopped shaking. I was trying to let his words sink in. The hand that was on my shoulder gave my back a quick pat.
"Now, I don't know if you learned anything. Can't say I made much sense. You told me you didn't need any lessons and for that I apologize."
"It did sound like an old man's ramble," I quipped.
"Hmm, perhaps a long day of tree planting is a better lesson."
I laughed and had to blow my nose, so I didn't choke from my own mucus.
He got up to assess the damage of the training ground, clicking his tongue and shaking his head. "We're down five young cedars. I don't even know what sort of paperwork goes into ordering saplings."
I got up and wobbled over. "Don't worry about it Kakashi-sensei! I swear I'll get this all fixed up for you. I'll buy the trees myself!"
He stared at me, studying my face for any more signs of further weeping. He must not have been sure because he voiced, "All better now? At least to the point where we can safely hide our emotions from others like the good ninja we are?" His eyes smiled at me in good humor, and I tried to grin back, eyelashes still heavy with tears.
"Nothing that maybe a few more good, harmless-to-trees, angry screams can't fix," I assured him.
"Good girl."
"Kakashi-sama! Kakashi-sama!" There were some distant shouts, and before the sound came closer, Kakashi-sensei was already gone, no trace of any teleportation smoke, just gone.
"The directory of those trees came from over here!" I heard someone else say. Pretty soon, three chūnin were coming into the nearby open field.
Fuck. I didn't have time to get rid of the redness in my face, and my cheeks, eyelashes and Kakashi-sensei's mask were all thoroughly soaked. More people would know that I had been crying.
"Haruno-san!" The three of them stared at me, gaping dumbly.
"What?!" I snapped.
"Is everything alright? Have you seen Lord Sixth?"
"He left early today, and we still need him to go over next week's budget! It's a 250-page document!" explained another.
"Does it look like I'm with the Hokage right now?!" I cut them off. "I'm just trying to do a little training, alone! Is that too much to ask?! It was me! I threw the goddamn trees!"
They stared at me with wide eyes. "Right. Of course. We are sorry for disturbing you Haruna-san. Please carry on!"
Another whispered to the other. "The Hokage wouldn't be trying to hide in this training ground with this much destruction. We should try the northwest one."
After they left, I heard Kakashi-sensei sigh in relief behind me. "Truely, no man deserves you, Sakura."
"Yeah, yeah." I turned to him. "You shouldn't be putting off your duties. 250 pages is going to take you hours to do." I knew. Tsunade-sama learned that the hard way.
He waved his hand. "That's a task for tomorrow. Or next week. I will be sure to avoid the northwest training ground, however. Happy training. No more damages." He patted my head like he used to do when I was 12 and I gave him a small smile back.
I stayed a bit longer at the training ground, alone, meditating and practicing my breathing. I decided I should see Naruto rather than go home. Honestly, being with Naruto was the absolute best excuse to give Ino of my absence anyway, but first I needed to make sure I was strong enough to face him.
A part of me had wanted to ask Kakashi-sensei's advice on what to say to him. Even if Kakashi-sensei did not know the exact extent of Naruto's feelings for Sasuke-kun, he knew Naruto well enough, and besides, Naruto's feelings were the same as mine. He would have addressed Naruto similarly to how he had addressed me.
I had to be calm like Kakashi-sensei. Calm, strong, and in control. All things my training had taught me.
I was a little afraid that Naruto had no idea. Would it have been possible that Sasuke-kun didn't even send Naruto a letter? Perhaps he knew that nothing he could say would get through Naruto's thick skull. Maybe he had sent me the letter, told me the plain truth, and meant for me to deliver the message.
Cruel and cowardly as it was, I could definitely see the appeal and effectiveness. Dumping anyone through a letter was low. Sasuke-kun wasn't above such actions.
If Naruto didn't know, it would be harder on me, but it would also buy me some time. I had gotten myself together at the moment, but I still felt raw and vulnerable and wasn't sure if it would hold under sudden pressure. I didn't think I could keep my face straight in front of Naruto. He would know something was wrong as soon as he saw me, but then we could just dive right into it and get it over with.
I knocked on his door, which was different from me just letting myself in or going through his bedroom window. After I had officially moved in with Ino, I was over less because I spent more time with her. I wasn't necessarily expected tonight, so a knock should have been proper.
Naruto answered the door. "Oh, there you are Sakura-chan. Come on in!" After opening the door, he disappeared deeper into his apartment. The nonchalant greeting was not what I was expecting. He must not have gotten a letter.
Sasuke-kun was such a fucking asshole! He planned on me telling Naruto for him! There hadn't been too many times that I wanted to throw Sasuke-kun through a wall, but this was one of them.
"Boy has it been a day!" Naruto exclaimed while I took off my shoes. He hadn't noticed my distressed face, which was odd, but I didn't want to question my luck so far. I needed to approach this delicately. He walked into his kitchen that was filled with boxes of what appeared to be some sort of canned drink. "Shikamaru's mom decided it was time to clean the basement of Shikaku's stuff."
"Oh," I responded.
"Shikamaru and I had to get in there first before his mom found the porn stash. And then I helped Shikamaru go through the stuff he wanted to keep and shit." Naruto shook his head.
"So, this is…?" I peered at the boxes. "Shikaku's beer? Shikaku's expired beer," I corrected when I looked at it more closely.
"Yeah, it's junk so I took it. Shikamaru kept one can. As a memento."
"Why didn't you just throw it out then?"
Naruto hadn't looked me in the face since I got here. He ran a hand through his hair. "It just seemed like a waste, ya know? We already had to burn the porn. Shikamaru couldn't keep it. I would have taken it, but it feels weird taking your friend's dead dad's porn…"
"Yeah," I agreed. "But…" I noticed several empty cans on the kitchen table. "Oh, you've been drinking it."
Naruto's somewhat hazy eyes stared at me for a moment before he answered with a "Yeah!"
I looked back at the expiration date which was a year before we were even born. "Naruto, this beer is older than you. It must have survived not only the Nine-Tails, but the attack by Pain too!"
"That's right!" he said, opening another can. "It's got the Will of Fire!"
He handed me the open can which I took before I thought to decline. "Beer doesn't get better with age like sake and wine. It gets flat. Ugh, and this smells horrible!"
Naruto sipped out of a can of his own. "It tastes the way it smells," he confirmed.
"Why did Shikaku have so many boxes of expired beer?!"
"I have no idea. We found a lot of weird shit, but my guess was that maybe his mom didn't like him drinking it. I don't know. Shikamaru might know. Because he tends to know things."
I counted about four empty cans on the kitchen table. "You should stop drinking them." I put the beer I was holding down and picked up the sticky cans off the table instead, taking them to the sink to rinse them for recycling. "Why is the floor all wet over here?" I asked, noticing a puddle in front of one of Naruto's windows. It really wasn't too surprising. Naruto's apartment tended to get messy when I was away for too long. I pushed what appeared to be a green scarf over with my foot to keep it from getting wet.
"That's my shrine!"
I turned to Naruto. "What?"
"Shikamaru's got a shrine for his dad, and Hinata's got a shrine for Neji, and I realized… my folks don't got one, 'cause they don't have any other family. And neither does Pervy-Sage…" I stared at him. None of that explained why the floor was wet! He walked over to me. "When you drink, you gotta pour one out for the dead."
I had known how many beers Naruto had already drank from the empty cans I found, but I didn't realize exactly how drunk he was until he started pouring some of it onto the floor. "Naruto!"
"One for Pervy-Sage." He poured before moving to the other puddle. "One for Dad." And then he stopped and took a swig. "Mom doesn't drink, so I've been taken hers for her. I'm sorry Mom. I know you're probably really disappointed in me."
I put my hands on his shoulders and guided him away from the mess. "We need to clean this up, Naruto. It's going to attract ants. And this is not how you make a shrine. There should be… an altar or a shelf or something. And you're supposed to keep it clean! It should have a tablet with their name or maybe a picture."
"I don't have any pictures of them," he answered hoarsely. But then he said more brightly, "But it's okay, because Dad's right over there!" He pointed to the window, and I realized he was referring to the Hokage Mountain. "And I guess my mom made that scarf. Or at least someone told me that."
I picked up the scarf off the floor. "Well, we're going to want to make sure this stays clean then." A corner of it had gotten wet from the beer so I took it over to the sink to wash it. "You know you can't put wool in a dryer, right?"
Naruto blinked. "I don't know anything," he admitted.
After I hung the scarf to dry, I got a mop and bucket together to clean the floor, throwing away various garbage as I came across it. "Wait!" Naruto cried right when I was about to throw something into the bin. "Wait, that's Pervy-Sage!"
I looked at the wet sticky thing I was holding in between my two fingers. "This is a popsicle stick," I told Naruto calmy, wondering if he was somehow hallucinating.
"Yeah, that's all I got to remind me of him, too."
I took a breath. "Okay," and brought that to the sink to wash it clean as well.
We moved Naruto's small coffee table in front of the window and placed the popsicle stick and scarf on it after the mess was cleaned up. "I might have a picture of Jiraiya-sama," I said.
"Really?"
"I don't know. I took a lot of pictures in our genin days. There might be one in there somewhere. I can't say it's a good one if there is. But you can have it until we find something better. I'm sure Tsunade-sama has better ones, and for your parents, they were both registered ninja. There would be pictures in records at the village archives. We'll talk to Kakashi-sensei in giving you copies."
Naruto nodded his head. "Yeah. Thanks, Sakura-chan."
"Have you eaten dinner? You should eat." I brought him over to the kitchen table, which was still pretty dirty, but I didn't want to take the time to clear it off just yet. Instead, I put a pot of water to boil first. Instant ramen unfortunately was the quickest option for dinner and even though I hadn't eaten all day, the smell of the broth was unsettling to my stomach. Naruto was never tired of ramen though, so I was sure he would still enjoy it.
I was used to doing these types of actions, taking over the role of carer. Naruto probably had a lot of fun with Shikamaru today, despite the solemn reason. Naruto's melancholy was always worse after he had fun or good company. Once I got some food in his stomach to absorb the alcohol, and then maybe some more plans on making his shrine look extra nice, he would be as good as new. I was pretty confident I could cheer him up.
Once the ramen was done, I was forced to clean off the table more to make room, and only then did I notice the crumbled looking letter. I recognized Sasuke-kun's impeccable handwriting instantly. I was so shocked by the reminder that I stopped mid-way of putting Naruto's bowl down, not even feeling the weight of it in my hand.
Naruto looked up at me, staring, noticing that I had noticed. "Bastard wrote back," he stated. The sound of his voice reminded me to put the bowl down before I dropped it.
I sat across from him, gazing into his face as he gazed back at me. I had never felt like I could truly communicate wordlessly like Naruto and Sasuke-kun could, but I felt it happening now.
Had I gotten one too, his eyes asked, and I could see the fear at his reasoning why I might not have. After getting his answer from my look that yes, I had gotten one, I could tell that he wanted to know what it had said.
I broke the eye contact, afraid he was gaining too much information too fast. "Ah, yes. Sasuke-kun dumped me too."
The noise of distress that Naruto made caused me to look up at him again. His mouth pressed tight together; he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan," he pushed out. "It was because of me. He dumped you because of me!"
I raised my hands, trying to get him to settle down as his breath came out too fast. "No. It is not your fault. It's neither of our faults, okay? This is what's best for Sasuke-kun for the moment now. We knew this, when he left. Even if he can't be in the village with us… we need to respect his wishes. We can still be there for him in that way."
Naruto laughed humorlessly. "Is that what he told you?"
I blinked uncertainly at him. "That he…" I didn't want to say 'has a mission' because I only knew that from Kakashi-sensei. "That he's found purpose. That he's working on a new goal, that's why he can't come back to us."
"Oh! It makes sense that's what he told you."
"What did he say to you?"
Naruto tilted his chin toward the crumpled letter. "Read it," he shrugged.
Even with Naruto's permission, it seemed taboo to read it. It wasn't addressed to me. I slowly picked up the letter, smoothing it out a bit to read it better.
I started from the beginning this time, but that wasn't the reason why it took me so long to finish it. It was hard to get through. Sasuke-kun's letter to me had been hurtful, but he hadn't been unnecessarily cruel. This was not the case.
I heard Naruto open up another can of beer while I still stared at the words, the snap seeming unusually loud. I didn't know what to say when I finished. After a moment, he asked, "Did you get to the part where he accused, I raped him?"
"He-he didn't say that…" I tried to say calmly.
Naruto smirked. "But that's what he meant."
I didn't respond. Because that was exactly what Sasuke-kun was implying. He hadn't used the word, 'rape' but it was upsetting enough to read regardless.
'I'm not a homosexual.'
'I will never be attracted to you.'
'I wasn't trying to lead you on.'
'I felt forced.'
'I felt you took advantage of the situation.'
'It disgusts me.'
"It's alright," Naruto said, after draining an entire beer can and crushing it in his hand. "Sasuke's always been a homophobic asshole." He had a faraway gaze as he stared at nothing in particular. "You know, when we were kids, and we fought… I mean, we were always fighting, but when we were verbally fighting, he'd bring up that whole kiss thing from out of the blue. And no matter how many fucking times I told him it was an accident, he didn't believe me! Like dude, why are you obsessing? Fuck that guy. Fuck him. Forget him."
I held the letter in my hand, analyzing it. "He's trying to get you to hate him," I said, understanding Sasuke-kun's tactic. "He's afraid if he doesn't hurt you enough, you will go after him again like you did before."
Naruto stared at me, trying to believe me. With the initial shock of the letter subsiding, the reasoning seemed obvious to me now. Naruto's emotions were still clouding his judgment, so I held his gaze steadily, willing him to understand.
"Well," he said with a breath and pulled another beer over. "It worked. It hurts. Still though," He paused after opening the new can, eyes distant again. "I don't remember very well. I was drunk that weekend, when it all started. Did I… take advantage…?" His eyes drifted over to me, as the question didn't just apply to Sasuke-kun.
I scoffed. "I was drunk too," I admitted. I was not entirely sure if Naruto could have convinced me into a polyamorous relationship if the drunken threesome hadn't happened first, however I didn't regret that weekend. "But Sasuke-kun was not," I reminded. "For any of it. What this is," I said holding up the letter, "are lies! Or at least, at the very worst, only half-truths. That doesn't mean he's still not a fucking asshole, but it wasn't you. It's not you. You're not disgusting, Naruto."
Naruto blinked several times. "Thanks," he answered slowly, but I could still see his brain working, over-thinking, and second guessing. "You know," he said, putting a finger to his mouth in his recollection. "Before we left that weekend, he brought you up. He hardly said two sentences in a row when we got back to Konoha, so I was just so excited he brought up anything that I latched onto the topic. I was going on about you or something, probably sounding like a love-sick puppy, but I was just saying how much stronger you had gotten. And then he says this to me; he says, 'Don't kiss Sakura.'"
I took a breath.
"And of course, I was an asshole, and I said, 'What if I already have?' and he responded, 'Don't do it in front of me. Don't do it, or I won't go.' He was talking about going to the onsen…" he explained. "... but I was really stupid, because for some strange… bizarre reason, I thought it was because he was jealous and that he liked me!" Naruto started to laugh a little insanely. "Of course, it was you!"
"We don't know that to be true."
Naruto shook his head after draining his current beer. "No," he said after swallowing. "No, I know. At the restaurant, I was feeling the both of you out. I was testing the waters. That time I sorta on purpose kissed him with the sake and beer, he was mad." He shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, he didn't say I couldn't kiss him, right? But when you kissed me, he was absolutely livid, to the point where he lashed out at you. He never does that. And that kiss was so innocent too! Obviously, it was just a joke. At that point, I knew." His head twitched to the side, almost like a flinch. "I knew what was going on. It made perfect sense; I just didn't want to believe it." He grinned humorlessly. "The dick kept kissing you all night after that. He wouldn't stop." Naruto's eyes softened as he looked at me. "I fucked it up. That's how I know I fucked it up for you. I'm so sorry."
My eyes were burning. I didn't believe it. Yes, Sasuke-kun had always been less rude to me than he was to Naruto, but that didn't mean he preferred me over him. He had so much trust and respect for Naruto. No one could feel that way and be disgusted at the same time, not like the way Naruto was believing. I didn't know how to explain this to him. At the moment, I couldn't think of the proof, I couldn't cite my sources. It was becoming clear that Sasuke-kun seemed more uncomfortable with the idea of a relationship with Naruto than with me, but I was suspecting that to be more due to the way he was raised rather than his actual feelings. Sasuke-kun's and Naruto's chemistry was something that I would never have, with either of them. In fact, I hadn't witnessed anyone ever have chemistry like they did.
I was actually really beginning to wonder if Sasuke-kun's behavior around me was just what he thought he ought to act when around a woman. I was the fairer sex. Best to let me down slowly and as gently as possible. He humored me in the moment, to be kind, then he let me go, mercifully, because I might not have been able to handle it any other way.
"You weren't there when we said goodbye," I said. "If he truly… wanted me over you, he would have let me go with him. You weren't there to stop it from happening. We could have just left you behind and never looked back."
Naruto snickered. "Think that's just because Sasuke's an idiot," he laughed. "But yeah, if he'd done that, boy would I'd given up! That would have been the perfect way to make you, his girlfriend."
My gaze dropped to the table, putting the letter down. It didn't matter now. It didn't matter which one of us was right. Sasuke-kun was still gone from the both of us.
"He sucks so bad," Naruto ranted over his beer. "What the hell is he doing?! Fucking dumping us through a letter, like an asshole coward. Never using his big-people words to our faces. 'Don't kiss Sakura.''' Naruto scoffed. "Don't tell me what to do!" He threw his empty beer can. "We were so considerate to him. We never left him out. We've been celibate for months. Fuck, I haven't even really been masturbating. This has all been for him!" He suddenly shot up from his seat, ramen cold and forgotten on the table. "I'm going to kiss you!" he declared.
My heart thudded a little harder at the statement, with what was just a bit of fear.
"I mean, as long as I'm not taking advantage of the situation. Do you want me to kiss you?"
I had been doing a decent job of being the supportive friend. I was trying to concentrate on Naruto's pain in order to ignore my own
Did I want him to kiss me? I had kissed Naruto so many times that I knew I didn't not want to. I liked kissing Naruto. Kissing Naruto now wouldn't change the situation. It shouldn't make it better or worse. I didn't know why I was scared.
I gave a small nod because saying no to him now seemed to be too cruel and I knew my fear was irrational. He rounded the table. I didn't have the strength to stand. He turned my chair around, having to bend over, hands on the backrest for balance. Then he just stared.
"Aw, Sakura-chan." One of his hands cradled my cheek. "You've been masking your face from me. I hate it when you do that." His thumb rubbed under my eye, over the dried salt that I forgot had been there, the rest of his fingers digging into my hair, relieving stress in my scalp I didn't know I had.
His lips replaced his thumb on my cheek. Was this what Naruto meant by asking to kiss me? His touches were light and comforting. I didn't know what I had been afraid of, for him to engulf my entire mouth? I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan." His lips were as gentle as rose petals. He did about three uneven pecks under each eye, the fingers of both hands now combing through my hair soothingly. "I got drunk. I went on about me, me, me. He hurt you too."
I opened my eyes to look into his clear bright blue ones. They were asking me to trust him, to apologize, to let him take care of me. Naruto's eyes were so blue, brighter than the color of the sky, warmer in hue. I had always thought of them as true blue compared to the cooler color I had seen in others. We stayed in our own space for a time, feeling the warmth of each other's faces, his eyes wandering over my dry and chapped skin. He glanced at my bottom lip for a second and I subconsciously moistened it. When I realized that he thought he had already gotten his kisses in, I tilted my face for him.
The kiss he gave me then was warm and sweet, with just our lips locking for several seconds. It almost felt to me as a goodbye kiss, to someone you never thought you would see again, so when he pulled away, I felt all my distress immediately return to me. I hadn't realized I needed Naruto's comforting touch until it was gone. He didn't notice my whimper as he took a step back, ripping away from me to turn around. "Fuck Sasuke! Making you cry," he grumbled. "How do you not know how to treat a girl right?!"
I was thinking that Sasuke-kun didn't seem to know how to treat anyone he was close to right.
"I mean, I don't have much experience in rejecting people, but there's gotta be a better way!" The tug I made on Naruto's shirt had him look back at me. Once he noticed my expression, he grasped my head again and gave me another kiss. It was quick, like he wasn't sure if that was what I had been asking for. I grabbed onto him desperately and he kissed me again. This kiss was a bit more satisfying. I moved my lips against him and the murmuring noise he made made me want things.
"Sakura-chan!" he gasped out, hands now on my shoulders as if he could keep me away. "I want to kiss you." He gave me another, this one wet on my cheek." I want to kiss you all the time." He kissed my neck. "Everywhere," he whispered. His hand moved down my arm. "So, tell me to stop or-"
"Don't stop," I commanded. As long as he was touching me, as long as we had contact, I didn't have to think about Sasuke-kun being gone; it wouldn't feel completely over. He kissed me some more, like he was trying to make sure every inch of my skin was acknowledged, fingers tracing my outline.
He suddenly stopped and looked at my hand; the angry looking wound burned slightly at his touch. I had taken off the bandage after my talk with Kakashi-sensei. I had wanted to feel it for as long as I could, to have it heal slowly, but I also thought it would be less noticeable without the gauze drawing attention to it. Naruto stared at the scab on my palm for several moments before his hard gaze returned to my fearful face. He obviously knew it was a self-inflicted wound, for why would I have not healed it otherwise? Embarrassed, I expected him to ask about it, accuse me, voice his opinion, be angry, but as I stared back at him exposed, he said nothing.
Instead, he grabbed the back of my head and kissed me the way that I had always known him to kiss. He was finally done being careful. I moaned loudly as his tongue swept through my mouth. He lifted me off the chair and onto the table, hands groping me everywhere. I was trying to swallow his tongue whole when he separated our mouths with a wet sound. His mouth was suddenly wide on my throat, much like a canine did to express dominance, each set of teeth on my internal carotid arteries. Then he sucked. My vocal cords were distorted when I whimpered in pain, eyes rolling back in my head. I felt the sting shoot through my nerve endings, as if destroying and eliminating all other feelings. Naruto released me quickly, unsure for a moment before I pulled him closer, his solid body knocking into me and sending us back onto the table, beer cans falling. He sunk his teeth in the junction of my neck and shoulder next, and though that was more pleasurable than painful, it had a similar effect. I withered, twisting and moaning out, not even caring that all my wiggling was making the flesh pull more.
Naruto stopped for a second, moving my hair from the ramen bowl and pushing it out of the way. The distraction didn't let me see him come down to bite my shoulder next, even as he pulled at my collar to do so. The bite was hard, and because I didn't have as much muscle there, hurt even more. The loud shout I made startled him.
"More!" I cried almost angrily, gripping the front of his shirt. He frantically tried to unbutton my blouse, but he missed a few, and it made it more difficult for him to wrestle it over my head. His breath was on my chest before the garment was completely free, his teeth sinking above my left breast. The moan of pain was closer to a sob, so he licked it soothingly, before tongue dipping into the cup of my bra. I ripped that off for him. Another hard suck on my nipple.
I crossed my feet behind his back and tried to pull him closer, but all that really did was make him slip and the table slide away with a loud scraping sound. His teeth grazed my ribs ticklishly. Whatever he could get his mouth around he bit down, anything else he would just suck the flesh behind his teeth until I let out the loud scream again.
It wasn't long before I was completely naked on the dirty table, shorts and underwear clumsily pulled down my legs. I could vaguely feel Sasuke-kun's crinkled letter underneath me as Naruto brought up my leg to bite the fleshy area under my thigh. The pain was the only thing that was grounding me, the only thing that I could focus on, so when Naruto started softly licking me instead, I protested. I yanked on his hair, but not hard enough to get him to stop. I laid there, breathing as Naruto licked at my clit. I couldn't feel the pain anymore, only half-vague reminders from my abused skin, but as Naruto slowly built momentum with his tongue, I thought maybe this was just as good, if not better. When I released, I would feel better.
Naruto's mouth was making vulgar wet noises when his hands reached blindly to find my own. I gripped at his fingers, most likely hurting but he gripped back just as hard. I pulled at him, at the same time pushing my hips into his face, my feet against the table for leverage. He groaned, his mouth seeming to open even wider as his tongue dipped inside of me before he gave an intense suck on my clit.
The jerk I did had me letting go of him, my body spasming in no logic. My head had forcefully turned to one side, eyes snapping open as I took in a deep breath. It was only then did I seem to have a complete thought as I noticed that the blinds to Naruto's window were open. Now after dark, with the lights on, we could be clearly seen from outside. We were on the third floor so it helped hide us from anyone that could be on the street, but it wasn't like there weren't other windows at our level. And I had been shouting rather loudly this whole time.
"Nar…" I started but stopped when I realized I had no voice. I swallowed and tried again. "Naruto…!"
He growled in answer.
"The… The blinds… are open. The-"
He wrapped his arms around my hips possessively.
"Stop for a… Close the blinds first…!"
Naruto ignored me, instead sucking again, hard and sharp, making me forget about the window as my body went into another seizure fit. Naruto continued, until I was cumming, and even after that, he wouldn't stop.
Being overly sensitive, the discomfort let me think again and I kicked Naruto in the shoulder hard enough that it caused him to fall back, stumbling to keep his balance. He looked feral, fluid heavy dripping from his chin and down his shirt. He half-heartedly wiped his chin with the back of his hand to lick it clean.
"Close the goddamn blinds!" I snapped. "Or take me to your bed and fuck me." The arm he slammed around my middle knocked the air out of me before he dragged me off the table and to his bedroom.
My feet and ankles hit a few corners on the way there, but I didn't care. For once, it was just relief to give up the control as he flung me onto his bed. The momentum had me twisted in the air slightly, and I landed on my hands and knees. There was no time for me to be embarrassed about the new position, as Naruto's large hot tongue ran from my bottom to top.
And then he was in me, with no warning.
The cry he had made was almost as loud as my own. He was pushing on my spine, making me curve more, his next thrust going even deeper. Each pump was hard, coming in at an instant sooner than the last.
I moaned uncontrollably, one of his hands coming to my head and pushing my face into the sheets. With him fucking me into his bed, I couldn't breathe normally. The lack of air made my senses hazy. I felt my back cracking as he put his weight onto it with his other hand. I submitted to him, letting my orgasm wash over me, but he didn't give me pause to rest after, as he just continued the abusive treatment.
I had the weird thought that Naruto could just fuck Sasuke-kun out of me, that when it was over, after all the pain and pleasure, I would just feel nothing. I was ready to feel nothing.
He had me in the same position for too long. My joints were sore. He fucked me numb that I didn't notice how long it took him to finish. Just at one point, I was no longer face first against the bed, as oxygen flooded my lungs. He held me against him, warm. I was so emotionally and physically exhausted that I was pulled to sleep without dreams instantly.
I woke up to the feeling of tickling, light gentle strokes. I was still exhausted, my body knowing this wasn't my normal time to wake up. The tickling continued, making me shiver, and I leaned in more to the warm body behind me. I didn't really remember where I was, but I knew I was with someone I trusted.
The fingertips caressed me, tracing my hips before skimming my areola. I smiled in delight as the touch went up my neck, and I bent my head to curve into the contact. The fingers were rough, sharp with callouses, sharper than Naruto's, and when his thumb traced the lining of my lip, it smelled like metal and woodsmoke.
I tried to open my eyes, but they seemed to be glued shut. I felt strands of silky hair brush my cheek. I made another attempt to open my eyes. "Sasuke-kun?!"
His mouth was on mine before I could say anything else, kissing me slow and sweetly. I reached for him with one hand, trying to twist and crane my head to be closer to him. Tears formed in my eyes from joy. I was so happy with surprise that I could not think of anything else.
When I realized we were both naked, I keened, being released from his mouth. I arched back against him. The feeling of his silky soft erection already moistened at the tip made me desperately want him inside me. When I reached back, I felt another hand, Naruto, also caressing Sasuke-kun's body.
It made sense that Naruto was here too. We were in Naruto's room. For a moment I thought that maybe I was dreaming, but I came to the conclusion that I was awake, and everything before had only been the dream. Sasuke-kun had never left us. Why would he leave us? We loved him.
Sasuke-kun began working his hand in between my legs, his fingers going in and out of me even though I wanted him inside me instead. I pushed back, rubbing against him, begging. He nipped at my neck, scoldingly, letting me know I needed to be patient. My body was feeling sore, but I didn't know why, and I didn't care.
When he finally did move inside of me, I was already drenched. We moved in slow, grounding movements, Sasuke-kun's hand tightly clutching my hip, pulling me into him. I could feel the knuckles of Naruto every so often, Sasuke-kun's breath hot on my neck.
The moan Sasuke-kun produced made me flutter against him. I'd never heard him sound like that before, not at that volume, not that needy. I whimpered as the pace became more forceful, more desperate. I could feel Naruto pushing himself into Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun making that alluring noise. I was clutching around him again, him pulsing inside of me.
And then I was empty.
There was smoke all around, filling my eyes and nose. I rolled over, arm searching for Sasuke-kun, but all that was there was a small depression of warm sheets. Naruto was still there, a little ways away, his face pressed down into a pillow, his arms underneath it and clutching it tightly. I could hear him shuddering and whimpering as my brain attempted to process.
I tried to use my voice, to call out to him or ask what happened, but I couldn't remember how words worked. The loud wail Naruto made woke me up enough to crawl over to him as fast as I could.
"Naruto…" I wrapped my arms around him as he sobbed loudly into the pillow. I held him tighter, as if I could hold his pieces together. He didn't acknowledge me as he continued. I tried to force myself that this was reality. This was what was real.
Naruto cried himself to sleep.