AN: This includes rape

The first time it had happened was on July 1st. Something had been off with Amanda for about 6 months now, ever since her old Captain from Atlanta had come to visit. They had all noticed right from the start, pretty much since he had arrived at the precinct.

Amanda, Nick and Fin had just finished a difficult case and were in really good spirits. Amanda had been laughing and joking with vigour until she glanced into Olivia's office and saw the source of all her nightmares, the man who she feared above all else. Immediately she had gone quiet, her heart racing a mile a minute and her face going from a flush red colour to the colour of snow in less than 10 seconds. Fin glanced in her direction, a feeling of dread washing over him.

"You ok baby?" He said in a low voice, glancing between Amanda and the direction she was looking in. It took her a minute or so to register that Fin was talking to her, she shook her head slightly and put on a smile. Almost as though she was shaking the thoughts from inside her head.

"Course I am... I'm always fine!" She said quickly and turned her head away from her partner, he was always managing to work his way into her life and business and she couldn't have that, not when Patton was involved; he scared the living daylights out of her and she didn't want him to hurt the people who she was closest to.

After a short while Captain Patton and Captain Benson emerged from her office, laughing and joking. God, it made Amanda sick to her stomach! She could feel his eyes wondering over to her, it made her skin crawl and her stomach churn. She hoped as long as she kept quiet that he would just ignore her. She knew it was too good to be true.

"Detective Rollins! Look at you! Captain, might I have a word with my old partner?" Patton said with a smile, it was a smile that Amanda knew all too well! It wasn't a friendly smile, it was like a shark! Getting ready to hunt its prey. Amanda glanced towards Olivia, hoping and preying that she would say no. Olivia didn't seem to understand what Amanda was trying to say to her and instead, she smiled slightly.

"Of course, take as long as you like!"

Patton had taken that as permission to take Amanda into the empty interrogation room and rape her quietly, covering her mouth with his hand. She couldn't fight back, she couldn't scream because she was just so frightened! She was 2 feet away from a room full of her friends... experienced detectives and yet no one could help her. He had taken great delight in pounding into her and yanking her blonde hair until she yelped, begging for him to stop and to just go home! She wouldn't tell! She would keep his secret...

It had felt like hours until he was finally finished with her, whispering harshly in her ear that if she said anything to anyone then he would kill all of her friends. Amanda had gulped through sobs, she knew that he could do it! He had the power and reach to make it happen. He had smiled down at her and just left her there, crying silently on the floor.

That was the day when the Amanda Rollins that everyone knew had died.

After that day Amanda had become a nightmare to work with; turning up late or not at all, being exceptionally rude to her colleagues and friends, refusing to engage in briefings and the worst one of all, snapping at assault survivors! Something she would never have even dreamed of doing previously.

Olivia rubbed her temples in a circular motion, trying desperately to relieve the headache that she had coming on. This had all started around an hour ago, when Fin had charged straight into her office and said that he was refusing to work with Amanda.

"Woah! Fin what are you..." Olivia had begun, quickly putting her pen and paper down and giving him her full attention. This was not like him, at all! Never would he dream of just barging into her office without knocking, despite the close relationship that they had together. There was always this invisible line that neither one of them crossed.

"I... can... not... work... with... her... anymore!" He spat breathlessly, his body shaking in such a way that Olivia had him sit down in the chair and quickly poured him a glass of water. She knew that things had been bad between Amanda and the rest of the squad but this...

"Hold on... start at the very beginning. What's happened?" Olivia coaxed, starting to wonder whether she should've poured him some sweet tea instead. She grew increasingly alarmed when she saw tears rise in Fins eyes.

"Amanda... she's just an absolute nightmare. She turned up to the stake out 6 hours late, refused to explain why she was late, she stank of alcohol and when I told her to tell me why she was so late she called me a cunt and told me to fuck off, that I wasn't the boss of her! That I was a crap partner..." Fin rambled getting closer to tears with every word he was saying. Olivia was more and more bewildered as he spoke, what was going on! She knew she'd been a bit lax with all the detectives, as long as they got the job done and it was legal then she let them do what they wanted within reason! But this...

"Hold on... she was 6 hours late! Why didn't you tell me at the time?! This is absolutely unacceptable!" She glared slightly, feeling like her generosity had been taken advantage of. Fin wilted under her glare slightly, he felt like a child sat in the principal's office.

"I'm sorry Captain... but well I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt ya know? We're partners... at least I thought we were! But then when I spoke to Nick, El and Sonny they filled me in on just how bad she's been! She's even been snapping at the victims and..." Seeing the look of anger on his boss's face made him recoil back slightly, he knew he'd just dropped his friends into it now.

"You all kept this from me? You knew that she had been snapping at victims who have been assaulted?! You knew that she is so far off the deep end and not one of you came to me? I am so disappointed in you all... This won't be the end of it I can assure you! Just please get out of my office, I need to get to the bottom of it all!" Olivia snapped slightly and Fin had done as he was told, his head bent with guilt.

Coming around to the present, Olivia did not know what to do! Amanda had always been headstrong, wilful, even slightly defiant. But she had always been kind, thoughtful and brave too, never could she have imagined that she would behave in this manner. Especially considering the job that they were all in. Finally getting herself together, she stood up and made her way out to the open planned room that was littered with desks. There she spotted her, a numbness and anger about her that she had never seen before.

"Rollins, my office!" Her tone was clipped and straight to the point, she was furious and very disappointed in her. Amanda stood up, her walls very firmly in place and a sneer etched across her face. All the other Detectives held their breaths, never had anyone been so blatantly rude to their senior officer before and they didn't want to witness the fallout which they figured was inevitable. Once Amanda had entered Olivia's office, the door closed with a resounding bang. That shocked the other Detectives to continue on with their paperwork.

"What the hell do you think you're playing at!" Olivia began icily, glaring at her subordinate and friend. Amanda stared off into the distance, her jaw clenched and her arms folded tightly across her chest. She felt nothing, not anymore. He'd beaten and raped that out of her.

"Captain?" She mocked, her hands tightened into fists and Olivia could have throttled her. How dare she speak to her in that tone! Instead, Olivia gestured to the sofa and was surprised when Amanda actually sat down on it. Clearly she was going to have to try a different approach because shouting wasn't going to work.

"Amanda... what's going on? This is so unlike you! I've had complaints from other Detectives... rude to victims, rude to fellow officers, turning up late and drunk to stake outs or in some cases not turning up at all! Honey... please talk to me! Please let me in!" Olivia had sat down on the sofa beside her, although not too close; she didn't want to frighten her away. Amanda could feel her resolve start to waver; on the one hand she just wanted to bury herself into her friends chest and weep for everything she had lost but then on the other hand she was angry. So angry that she felt like her skin was crawling.

"Nothing is the matter! I'm fine!" Amanda snarled petulantly, wrapping herself in a protective hug and turning her head away. Olivia felt like she was dealing with a child and it got her thinking; she knew Amanda had to raise herself, that she'd never had a supportive motherly figure to fall back on. Maybe just maybe this might work.

"Amanda, sweetheart I'm not angry with you..." Olivia began and it was true; after seeing the way she was crumbling and trying to stop herself from crying was making her heart ache and suddenly she realised just how badly she had failed as a boss, friend and just a decent person in general. How had she not noticed how badly her friend was hurting.

"Please... please let me help you!" Olivia soothed, reaching her hand out to grab the younger Detective's. She gained in confidence when Amanda didn't pull away from her or snap with some sort of defensive comment. Instead, what she said next made Olivia want to cry.

"I can't... I don't know how! I can't say it!" Amanda chewed on her bottom lip, her resolve weakening minute by minute as her friend very slowly chipped away the armour. Olivia moved closer and stopped when their thighs were near to touching.

"I want to try something..." Olivia murmured and before Amanda knew it, she was plucked from the sofa and into Olivia's lap. She was tense at first, she'd never sat on anyone's lap before unless it was in some sort of sexual way. Pretty soon, she was encased in two warm arms, her head gently resting in the crook of Olivia's neck. Amanda could feel her body shaking slightly, desperately trying to keep the last of her dignity.

"Just let it out honey, let it all go. I'm here..." Olivia whispered gently, beginning to rock the younger woman back and forth within her lap. Before Amanda could even attempt to get some control back, she broke. She sobbed so much that she felt sick!

"There we go... there we go..." Olivia whispered, pressing gentle kisses to Amanda's forehead. She clung to Olivia's top as she wept angrily, how could he! How could he hurt her!

"It's Patton... he hurt me!" She gulped back sobs and Olivia felt her blood run cold. She was so stupid, how did she not see the signs? It all made sense, all of it did! Even from before he had asked for permission to take the young southern woman into the interrogation room.

"Liv..." She sobbed pitifully, terrified that she had upset her boss and that she would push her away. Instead, the opposite happened and Olivia pulled her in tighter. She kept the younger Detective squashed against her chest and Amanda didn't mind, in fact all she wanted to do was stay here in Olivia's lap.

"Can you tell me? What... did he... did he rape you?" Olivia whispered and Amanda sobbed harder, the nod of her head was just as good as verbalised words.

"He.. he did it to me in Atlanta, 5 or 6 times Liv! I was the only woman in a very male dominated role. He was so touchy and so sickeningly sweet... especially in private ya know? Then about a year after I started working there, I stuffed up a major case... he was so angry Liv!" Amanda spoke quietly and Olivia rubbed her back, gently encouraging her to speak by whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

"He held me down and he raped me... he said it was a punishment. I knew no one would believe me; he was so well respected, one of the lads, no one would believe me! He just took what he wanted from me... whenever he wanted it. That day when he came here... he raped me in that room, I couldn't fight back! I just... my body froze, he... threatened me!" Amanda let out another sob and Olivia pulled her closer, her own eyes filling with tears.

"I've got you, sweetheart. You're safe, it's just you and I... what did he threaten you with?" Olivia nuzzled her nose against Amanda's as though she was a small child and Amanda found herself never wanting that feeling to end, she was safe. She was home.

"He said he'd kill you all... I just was so frightened. He could do it you know... he could!" Amanda dissolved into tears and so did Olivia; her friend had suffered in silence to protect her friends. She felt like crap! She had failed her so badly.

"Just want it to stop! Please make it stop it hurts!" Amanda hiccuped, Olivia reached for a warm, soft blanket that she kept in here from when other survivors were testifying and draped it over the pair of them.

"If I could take away your pain then I would baby, I'm going to kill him for this!" Olivia's lips brushed against Amanda's nose, soothing her frayed nerves. The next thing Amanda said made Olivia burst into tears.

"You know Liv... if I'd had a mama like you growing up then maybe I wouldn't be so fucked up now.." Amanda twirled Olivia's long hair around her fingers and sighed pitifully, never wanting to leave this safe place.

"You know, I may not be your mom Amanda but if you ever need a mama bear hug or mama talks then I'll be here... right here by your side!" Olivia rocked back and forth, soothing the young woman who had become one of her cubs.

Now began the long road of making amends and getting help, but she knew that with Liv by her side that she could do this, she could be better.