AN: Male eating disorder! Couldn't wait to bring Carisi into this
Olivia came into the squad room carrying 7 or 8 pizza boxes stacked on top of each other. It had been a gruelling couple of weeks; they'd had a really difficult case involving a little girl who had been murdered by her older brother and it had been horrific! It was one of the most brutal murders that the SVU squad had ever seen and they were all deeply effected by it. Not one of them had gone home for more than a couple of hours in the whole two weeks and Olivia was so concerned for her whole team. She gently placed the pizza boxes on the table.
"Eat up all of you! I'm so proud of you all; you've showed nothing but dedication, professionalism and compassion throughout this whole case! I've spoken to the commissioner and he's agreed to give us all some extra time off over the next few weeks to decompress... once you've done your paperwork then you can head on home!" Olivia whispered, sending motherly glances to the entire team. She watched fondly as Amanda, Nick and Fin teared straight into the food, whilst Sophia and Elliot picked at it; they were typically more reserved than the other three. She frowned as she watched Carisi, he was just sat and watching everyone else eat.
Olivia had noticed for probably around 6 or 7 months that he'd not been eating properly. He used to come in with a big sandwich or a few slices of pizza most days but now he'd either come in empty handed or maybe with a small can of soup. He looked thin... really thin, his clothes were hanging off of him at odd angles and he was starting to look more like a little boy dressed in his father's clothes. She watched as he sat there, her heart constricted painfully as she watched his face crumble slightly.
"Carisi?" She said softly, making her way over to him and bent down slightly so she was at his level. His head snapped up and she saw the way his jaw tightened, the way his eyes filled with tears and the way his hands shook.
"Come to my office, come on..." She spoke softly and watched as the younger man just sat still, almost in a trance. She'd never seen him like this before, she'd never seen him shed so much as a tear in all the years that she'd known him. Olivia glanced around the squad room and saw that most of her team had left, desperately wanting to go home after spending so much time in the precinct.
"Liv... I'm sorry! I don't know what's wrong with me..." He heaved slightly and Olivia wrapped her arms around him, gently bringing him close to her chest. He just fell apart in her arms, his body shaking as he finally let out his tears.
"Disgusting... that's what I am... just disgusting!" He buried his face against her chest and wailed, his arms wrapping around her middle as he cried out all his pain. Olivia shushed him, gently running her hand through his short hair, she felt her stomach do knots.
"Listen to me, never ever call yourself that! You are not disgusting! Come on..." she soothed, gently taking his hand and pulling him into her office. She sat him down on the sofa and pulled the blinds down, giving them the privacy to talk about whatever was upsetting him.
"Now then... what's going on? I've noticed for some time that your appetite is gone, you've lost so much weight honey. So so much weight!" Olivia sat down beside him and he laid his head on her chest, soaking up some of the comfort she was offering to him. Carisi shrugged his shoulders slightly, hoping that maybe if he did that then she wouldn't ask him again.
"Don't shrug your shoulders young man! This is serious!" She chided, gently keeping him in her arms whilst he blushed. She always made him feel like a kid and that was sometimes very overwhelming.
"It's not... it's not to do with my weight Liv. I don't look in the mirror and think that I'm fat, it's nothing like that..." Carisi began hesitantly, hiccuping slightly as he tried to find the words to explain exactly what he was feeling. Olivia stroked his hair and pressed a kiss to his head, her heart broke for him.
"Shhh it's ok..." Olivia soothed, rocking them both back and forth. The amount of pain he was feeling was palpable and could be felt throughout the whole room, the poor kid. He didn't deserve this, no one deserved to feel like this and she wouldn't wish this on her worst enemy.
"It's just well... when things are out of control in my life, I try to control it with food. I've done it ever since I was young, I think the first time I did it I was 14. I can control what I eat, when I eat, how long I go without it... if I do something wrong on a case then no food! Or if I've done something good then I eat and eat and eat! Sometimes I..." he looked down as though he was ashamed and Olivia tilted his chin up, gently wiping his tears with her thumb.
"It's ok, honey. You can tell me! I'm not going to judge you, never ever will I judge you!" She cooed and Carisi's face crumbled again and he hiccuped, he'd never been so embarrassed in his life.
"Sometimes I eat so much that I can't move... I feel full and disgusting. So I make myself sick and then I feel better... I'm so sorry Liv! Truly I am..." Carisi hid his face against Olivia's neck and she just hugged him tight, gently rocking him to and fro.
"Don't say sorry, baby. It's ok, I know how much courage it took for you to tell me. I'm so sorry that you've been struggling for so long, I can help you!" She cooed, wiping his tears with her thumb. She kept him in her arms for hours whilst he cried, crying for everything that this illness had taken from him.
"If you don't mind me asking honey, do you remember what happened when you first did this?" Olivia brushed her knuckles over his cheek and he shrunk down a little, nervously clinging to his boss.
"When I was 14... my dad started putting a lot of pressure on me. I had to get straight A's, I had to do football, basketball, track... I had to take all the gifted classes too. Oh, Liv I was exhausted!" Carisi wept, like he was still that 14 year old kid who didn't have a choice.
"I know baby, I know..." Olivia soothed softly, waiting for the young man to continue.
"I had no control over anything.. my mom had just died, I had my dad putting all this pressure on me... the only thing that I could control was what I ate, it became a challenge to see how long I could go without food because.. well it was better than crying! My dad said that only pansies cry..." Carisi laid down and let his head rest in Olivia's lap, his body heaving with sobs again.
"No... it takes a real man to show his emotions Carisi, I am so fucking proud of you! Your mom would be so proud of you too; there's no way that she couldn't be!" She soothed, gently stroking his hair and keeping him calm.
"I want my mom Liv... it's been 22 years but I can still remember her voice... the smell of her perfume, I remember when she would buy me fettuccine Alfredo and breadsticks from olive garden when I was sad..." He let out a sob and her heart shattered, she so badly wished that she could bring her back to him.
"I know, baby. I know! I know I'm not your mom and I'll never compare to her but if you ever need some mama advice or a mama hug then I'm right here! Now, how's about we get some fettuccine Alfredo with breadsticks? My shout?" She whispered soothingly, watching as his face lit up for a second.
"Come on, let's get you something to eat. I need one of my best Detectives to be on his A game!" She said affectionately, ruffling his hair with her hand
It was around two hours later when Olivia pulled up to her apartment, Carisi was sat next to her with two boxes of fettuccine Alfredo and breadsticks covering his lap. The smell of the food reminded him of his mom and tears filled his eyes, Olivia pressed a kiss to his cheek.
"Oh baby, I know..." She whispered softly, getting out of the car and waiting for him to do so too so that she could lock the car up. She made her way up to the apartment with Carisi following on behind her, clutching all the food boxes in his hands. She opened the door and locked it quickly behind them, taking the food boxes from him so that she could heat it up.
"Here come and make yourself at home! There's some beer in the fridge, just help yourself! The shower's through there if you want to use it, there's fresh towels in the cupboard and I think Elliot left some clothes in that drawer over there..." she trailed off, seeing his look of amusement.
"Yes, Elliot and I are together!" She said with a giggle and soon she found herself with her arms full of Carisi.
"If anyone deserves to be happy then it's you, Mama Liv!" He whispered and she smiled slightly, Mama Liv? Hmmm that name sounded good, she definitely liked that name.
"I'm sorry that I called you that..." Carisi blushed and Olivia waved him off, maternal instincts filled her entire body.
"You know that I'm here for you, don't you? That I'm here for all of you!" She whispered soothingly, allowing Carisi to head off and get showered and dressed into some comfortable clothes whilst she got the dinner all heated up.
By the time Carisi was dressed, Olivia had plated up some food for them and grabbed a couple of beers. She had started off smaller so as not to overwhelm him too much. He noticed and really appreciated it; he couldn't believe how much she had done for him and how much she was helping him through this really hard time. Olivia handed him a plate of food and sat down with him, trying not to watch him too much and trying not to put him off.
Carisi twirled the pasta around his fork and took small mouthfuls, chewing it down until it was mush. He took a swig of beer and repeated the motion, trying not to think too much about what he was doing. He kept forcing the food down until he had finished, motherly pride filled Olivia's body.
"I'm so damn proud of you!" Olivia whispered, finishing the last of her dinner and putting all the plates away and the leftovers in the fridge. Carisi blushed, a small smile on his face.
"You're the only person who's ever said that to me..." He whispered, allowing his head to rest in her lap. That broke her heart; he deserved better than this! So much better than what he'd been given when he was a child. She let her hand stroke his head and Carisi became sleepy, his guard was down.
"Mama Liv? Please don't ever stop looking out for us... for a lot of us you're the mom that we've always wanted and never had!" He yawned and rubbed his eyes sleepily, tears began to fill Olivia's eyes and her heart clenched.
"You will always be my babies.. I will always fight for you all... I promise!" She whispered and she meant every word, these were her kids now.