Chapter Six
The castle corridors were dimly lit as Rose made her way to the detention room, her footsteps echoing against the stone walls. She couldn't shake off the feeling of frustration that gnawed at her, a result of her impulsivity. She had acted without thinking, again, letting her emotions dictate her actions in the heat of the moment. Now, as she approached the room where she would serve her punishment, she couldn't help but resent herself for her lack of self-control.
Entering the room, Rose found herself alone, the only sound being the faint crackling of the torches that lined the walls. She took a seat at one of the desks, her mind swirling with thoughts of her recent actions and their consequences. Detention was nothing new to her, but today felt different somehow, as if the weight of her mistake bore down on her with greater force than before.
She took out her quill and unrolled a parchment. When Words Fail: Exploring the Boundaries of Violence. That was the title of the essay she was supposed to write by the next day.
She dipped the tip of her quill into the ink.
"I guess what I came here to write is that violence is bad and I'm sorry". She traced a line on what she'd wrote.
Why did she never use diplomacy? Was she really a violent person?
"Whoever is going to read this, probably already knows that I'm a terrible writer I'm not the best writer around." She gulped and took a sip of the water she'd brought with her from the Gryffindor Tower.
"So I guess this will do you'll have to focus more on the content and less on the form."
She took a deep breath. Was she even sorry?
"I don't really know what the exact definition of 'violence' is on a dictionary. As weird as it may seem, I didn't get my mother's fetish passion for books. To me, however, violence is whatever crosses the line of another's will. "
Did Scorpius cross the line? He did. He did since the very first time they had been partnered to study together. He'd kept pretending to know her. He'd kept imposing his own biased thought on her. Diminishing her, humiliating her even, by pretending to know her worth, by pretending to know the extent of her knowledge and of her wit. By never thinking of her as equal.
"Though I've been lucky enough to have never experienced physical violence directly, my home always felt like a war zone, where words were the chosen weapons. So, for me, violence can more than just getting soaked in the waters of the Black Lake."
And, to be absolutely fair, her wandwork, incantation, and intent were flawless. He'd flown like immediately like an hippogriff through the sky. Now, she hadn't really known how to control the range of the throw and he'd been bounced back of probably fifty meters. But the spell per se, also being the first try, had been pretty great.
"To me, for instance, it has always about the emotional bruises left by hurtful words that sting long after they're spoken. They say words are just words. I talk to people who blurt out whatever's on their mind without considering the consequences. Me? I'm the opposite. Words, to me, have always been harsher than actions. I've felt how words spoken in anger can cut like knives, how once they're out there, they stick in your head for good. I know what it's like to feel small and wounded, huddled on the floor. Each word can chip away at your confidence and self-worth, leaving lasting scars that never seem to fade. You hear them echoing in your mind on repeat, like a broken record."
She wiped a tear away with the sleeve of her robe.
"Sure. I guess you could say I'm messed up, maybe. I know that's what you're expecting me to say. I screwed up big time, no doubt about it. But it could've been worse. Maybe you wouldn't even have found out. I could've said to him that the only reason he acts all high and mighty is because he's just as scared as me to be seen for what he truly is. The son of a criminal. I could've said that his education, that makes him so much better than me, will never erase the pain and suffering his family caused. That his posture and preciseness won't bring back those who were slaughtered. I could've said it. I could've said it all, but I didn't. Because it's not his fault, just like I don't think it's completely my fault that I'm a total mess. I held back because words stick around forever. And when they're written down, they don't just stick with you, they're out there for the whole magical community to see. That's how you become 'The One,' but it's also how you become 'The stupid daughter of the brightest witch of her time.'"
"Look, I'm not saying it's cool to go all Hulk and start whacking people with sticks. I'm just saying, I never did that, and I do think that where I apparently don't talk enough, Scorpius talks an awful lot about things he doesn't know. And sometimes what he says is really hurtful. And sometimes, what he says really stings. Should I confront him about it? Hell no. I get it, you are teachers, you're all about teaching us diplomacy and communication and whatever. But let's be real, telling someone they're hurting you is like handing them a loaded weapon. What if they fully understand how much power their words have on you? What if you're just giving them more ammunitions to shoot you down with?"
She paused. Quill mid-air.
"People say it's all in my head. That I'm imagining enemies where there aren't any. That I'm paranoid, thinking everyone's out to get me. And maybe I've heard it so much that I've started to believe it. If that's the case, then I guess I'm sorry, but I can't change who I am. I've tried molding myself into someone I'm not, and all I got was lost. I've come to realize that I can only find myself in this chaos. So yeah, maybe it's all in my head. But even if it were happening inside my head, should that mean it's not real?"
She put down her quill, the ink blotches on the parchment serving as a testament to her emotional turmoil. With trembling hands, she pushed away the parchment and let out a choked sob. Tears welled up again in her eyes, blurring her vision as she struggled to contain the flood of emotions.
She lowered her head into her palms. Each breath felt like a struggle. The silence of the room enveloped her, broken only by the sound of her ragged breathing and the occasional sniffle.
Time seemed to stretch on endlessly as she sat there, crying. Half an hour passed in a haze of anguish, each minute feeling like an eternity.
Random memories of past hurts resurfaced, adding fuel to the fire of whatever feeling she was experiencing. She felt like she was drowning, unable to find solid ground to anchor herself to.
When she felt she had no more tears to cry, with a deep breath, she straightened her shoulders and took the parchment.
She looked at her handwriting carefully for just a moment then she crumpled up the parchment and threw it in the trash bin nearby, took another one and dipped again her quill in the ink, wiping away the last tears from her face.
Title - When Words Fail: Exploring the Boundaries of Violence
Words are our go-to for expressing how we feel and what we think. But sometimes words don't seem to cut it. They can fall flat, leaving us scratching our heads and wondering if we're even speaking the same language.
When words hit a wall, it's easy to feel frustrated and tempted to lash out. But here's the thing: violence, whether it's throwing punches or hurling insults, never solves anything. It just cranks up the tension and makes matters worse. As civilized beings, we have to find smarter ways to deal with our differences.
It all boils down to listening up and showing some empathy. When we take the time to really hear what someone else is saying and put ourselves in their shoes, magic happens. We create this vibe where we're all on the same page, and conflicts don't spiral out of control.
I did wrong. I did some things I shouldn't have done, and I hurt some people in the process. And for that, I'm truly sorry, I have no excuses."
She blew on the parchment to dry it faster, then rolled it and placed it onto the professor's desk, making her way back to the Gryffindor Tower to sleep. "Tomorrow is going to be better. Tomorrow's detention is Hagrid."
The next day was quite warm. The air was soft and balmy, carrying the faint scent of leaves and wet grass. Trees rustled softly, while birds chirped and sang from their barren perches.
"Do you want me to talk to him?" asked Linda cautiously.
Rose shook her head.
"No Linds, it's not going to be helpful" she replied.
"He was never like this, Rose, when you two got together he was the sweetest person on earth. He was so happy. He kept telling he'd merry you now that you had given him a chance" said Linda, eyes over Rose's shoulder to look at Roy.
"I know, Linds, I know. This summer wasn't the best. He wanted me to spend all July with him and his family but I missed my granny and grampa so much. I wanted to be with them, so we got to see each other, like, once a week. Sometimes twice but never more. I think that pissed him off. He always brings that back when we fight. We're always talking about the same shit over and over again. I tell him that he's become aggressive and doesn't treat me right, he says that I never cared about him so the hell with princess treatment"
"I'm sorry" said Linda.
"So am I, Linds. I don't really want him around anymore and I'm kinda ashamed about it. He used to be my best friend."
"Oh, sweety, don't. It's nobody's fault. Love ends. People break up. He'll get over it eventually. You've been his first love, he made mistakes, he'll learn from all of this". Linda put her hand on Rose's arm.
"He's been mine. And he was mine. But what if this is as good as it gets? What if it always ends this way? One day all you do is laugh, and kiss, and laugh again, and do silly things, and make memories together, and the other you're just avoiding each other. At least I know him, right? What if my next one is worse. What if he ends up feeling like a complete stranger? I've never kissed anybody else. I've never been touched by anybody else. I don't know if I'm comfortable with the thought of somebody's hands on me"
"We are not talking about the fact that you may need or may not need someone else. Breaking up isn't about choosing someone new over your ex. It's about you. Are you truly comfortable with him? Are you genuinely happy? Do you feel mentally and emotionally healthy around him? Can you truly rely on him? But above all, ask yourself: Is the pain you're feeling still worth it?". In Lindsay's eyes, there was a palpable sense of concern, reflected in the furrow of her brow and the slight quiver in her voice. As she spoke, her gaze darted around, searching for reassurance or signs of understanding.
No, it was not. It wasn't worth it. All that fighting, all that avoiding conversations, all that resentment. It wasn't fair. This wasn't who they were. She'd known him for seven years. She'd loved that little boy with brownish hair and freckles like a brother. She'd fancied his teenaged self. She'd fell in love with the young man he'd become. But he had loved her all the way through school. He'd wanted her since the first day and her love had never been enough. Yes, she had fell in love, but that kind of love had never satisfied his need. She hadn't loved him the way he'd expected her to after so many years yearning for it. And that had ruined everything.
"I'm going to break up with him tonight"
I hope you're all doing great! It's been a minute since my last update, and I owe you all a big apology for disappearing on you like that. Life kind of threw me for a loop these past couple of years, and I found myself in a bit of a whirlwind. Between dealing with personal stuff and trying to keep it all together, writing just fell by the wayside.
But you know what? I've missed this place. I've missed the freedom of just sitting down and letting my thoughts spill onto the page. There's something special about sharing stories and moments with all of you, and I realized I couldn't stay away for too long.
So here I am, dusting off the old keyboard and diving back into it. I may be a bit rusty, but I'm excited to reconnect and get back into the swing of things.
Thank you so so much to Pilarofdoom for reviewing after so many years! It's really an honor to get to have your feedback still! Big hugs!