You walk into the Precinct carrying several cups of coffee and placed them down on everyone's desk, a forced smile plastered on your face. After a few murmured pleasantries with the other Detectives you sit down, digging your nails into the fresh cuts that you made last night. The pain... it was so overwhelming but yet it was the only thing keeping you together... never in a million years did you think that you'd be in this position, but yet here you found yourself and you day dream back to the first time you inflicted pain on your body, well over a year ago now.
It had been just a regular Saturday, you'd come in for your shift and from the get go it had been one traumatic case after the next, ending with you having to shoot a prolific pedophile. That hadn't been the traumatic part though, he was scum of the earth. No, the problem was that the bullet ricocheted off of a metal beam and hit a little girl that he had kidnapped. The pedophile had been killed instantly and so had the little girl, the pain had overwhelmed you from the second you realised what you'd done. You fell to your knees and wept, your heart constricted painfully and you couldn't breathe... not even when you felt Olivia's warm arms scoop you up and hold you close to her chest, holding you while you scream how sorry you are.
"Shhh Y/N... you couldn't have predicted this. It's ok, honey... IAB will want to talk to you but I'm confident that you will be back to work within a few days. You're safe... I'm here!" She picked you up like you weighed nothing, getting you out of there and away from the chaos.
"Liv! The little girl... the little girl! Don't leave her in there with him! Pleaseeee!" You weep anxiously, still in shock over what had happened. Olivia held you tight and whispered soothing words, kissing your forehead and rocking you in her arms.
"Shhh..." She cooed, gathering you up and taking you to the car and back to the Precinct. From there it was a blur, you remember speaking to IAB with Olivia in the room and crying your eyes out. You also remember how surprisingly kind and gentle Ed Tucker had been to you, how he'd spoken to you like you were a child and how he'd told you it wasn't your fault, you remember that even Olivia was surprised by how genuinely kind he'd been. It went how Olivia had said it was going to go, that you'd be back on duty within a few days and that it was an accidental shooting. But you were still a wreck and Olivia had spoken to you, gently wiping a stray tear that fell down your cheek.
"Go home, Y/N. Try and get some sleep and if you need me then call! I mean it... day or night!" She tucked your hair behind your ear, the motherly gesture making your throat close up; you didn't deserve it after what you'd done!
You made your way back to your apartment, the first thing you did was get into a hot shower. The water felt nice against your muscles and you reach for the razor, beginning to shave your legs. It had been an accident at first, you'd accidentally pressed too hard into your leg and felt a sharp scratch. Before you knew it blood trickled down your leg, you expected it to hurt and it did... just not in the way you expected. You felt a release of pain that you'd been holding in for so long and before you could stop yourself, you moved the blade to your arms and cut them as though they were paper! Five or six long cuts on your forearm that began to bleed red. That was the day that your addiction started... the day the person within yourself died.
Coming back to the present, you dug your nails even deeper into the cuts. After that day, you couldn't go a day without slicing your arms or legs. You'd even moved onto your stomach now and you wondered where it all went wrong. You just sat at your desk for hours, not paying much attention at all until you feel Olivia's hand touch your arm and you flinch, from a mixture of pain and surprise.
"Y/N can I have a chat with you in my office?" Olivia spoke calmly and lovingly, moving her hand up to your shoulder and all you wanted to do was fling yourself into her arms and weep.
"Sure Liv!" You whisper softly, standing up and making your way to her office. You ignore the pain in your arms and thighs and stand in front of her desk. You're unsure as to what she wants and that makes you nervous! As if sensing your discomfort, Olivia gently sits you on the sofa by touching your arms. You hiss in pain and Olivia frowns, putting two and two together.
"Y/N what's happened? You've been really different over the last few months. Your concentration is severely lacking, you don't smile anymore and you just seem so sad. You can tell me, baby. You can trust me! I'm here... I'm... oh honey!" Olivia soothes, seeing your face crumble for the first time in about a year.
"I'm here, what's going on baby? Take a deep breath, I'm listening!" Olivia cooed and you just fell into her arms, hugging her so tightly that your knuckles turn white. You rest your head against her chest and sob, anxiously gripping her tight so that she couldn't leave you.
"I've been... I've been... cutting myself! I'm sorry, Liv! Please don't be angry with me!" You hiccup anxiously and Olivia picks you up and sits you on her lap, holding you in a way that she can inspect your body.
"Oh, sweetheart. Can I have a look?" She whispers gently and you nod your head, carefully pulling up your long sleeves. Olivia audibly gasps when she sees the cuts that scar your arms, also the fresh cuts that cover them too. You cry on her chest pitifully and she just holds you tight, kissing and cuddling all the pain away. Olivia reaches into the draw in front of her and pulls out a first aid kit, pulling out some antibiotic cream and some bandages.
"It's ok, Y/N I'm not angry with you. I just need to get your arms cleaned to prevent an infection ok? Sorry, honey but this might sting a bit!" She spoke softly and she was right, it did sting and you bite your lip to stop the winces and the tears. It wasn't long before she bandages you up and then pulls you back into a hug.
"How long has all this been going on?" Olivia kissed your head and you close your eyes, snuggling within the warm arms of your boss and surrogate mother. The way Olivia reacts to you and your problems is how you wished that your mom would deal with you.
"It started when I shot that little girl..." You whimper and Olivia shushes you, hugging you tighter and allowing you to cry for everything that had happened since then.
"Oh, sweetheart. I am so sorry... I should've checked on you after that, I should've seen that you weren't fine instead of leaving you to muddle through!!" Olivia presses a kiss to your nose and you hiccup, wanting nothing more than to stay tucked up in her arms.
"The first time it happened... it was genuinely an accident. My hand slipped and I pressed the razor too deep on my legs but then... the pain it just whilst it was overwhelming it felt nice to feel things ya know?" You speak freely to her, finding the strength to speak when she comforts you and doesn't judge you.
"I couldn't help it... I deserved it!" You whisper and Olivia pulls you in tight, kissing your forehead and stroking your cheek.
"No, baby. You didn't deserve it, I'm going to help you! I know you couldn't help it, but we will find you better ways to manage your pain ok?" Before you even know what's happening, Olivia picks you up in her arms and heads straight out of the Precinct.
"Where we goin' Mama?" You mumble softly, half asleep and snuggling in her arms. You felt safe for the first time in such a long time. A warmth floods through your body when she speaks next, you were safe. You were with 'Mama'.
"Home, baby. We're going home... Shhh Mama has you now. Mama is going to keep you safe!" She cooed, kissing your cheek and settling you down. It was true, she kept you safe, secure and loved. She helped you get through the pain, one step at a time.